


Finding You

by AppleSpice



Category: The Boy (2016 Bell)
Genre: Adult Content, Angst, Attempted Murder, Darkness, Discipline, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Metamorphosis, Murder Mystery, Mystery, Possessive Behavior, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Resolved Sexual Tension, Slow Romance, Strong Female Characters, Unhealthy Relationships, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2018-09-17 03:30:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 123
Words: 278,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9302297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppleSpice/pseuds/AppleSpice
Summary: Alison Heikki is an adventure seeking girl trying to find her place in the world when she hears a ghost story about the Heelshire family. She decides to look for the allegedly haunted manor the night when Greta and Malcolm escape. She finds Brahms struggling with the screwdriver and makes a decision that changes her life forever.





	1. Beginning After the End

**Author's Note:**

> When I saw The Boy for the first time the thing that turned my imagination on was the whole atmosphere of the movie. I loved the eerie shots about the house and the whole idea of an actual person being behind the “hauntings” instead of a ghost. Then as I watched it again and again I fell in love with this amazing character and the mystery around him. I started to think what would happen if we added a girl to the story who can relate to this guy and wants to understand his mind so much that she chooses to be friends with him rather than running away. A girl who’s been struggling with her own darkness and being too scared of freeing it. What would happen then, how would Brahms react? That's how this story was born.
> 
> I upload every other day and I'm determined to write it until the story is complete and give a decent ending so please, don't let the high number of the chapters let you dissuade from reading. :)
> 
> This is my first time writing a fan fiction so comments and criticism are appreciated, also grammatical correction. If you like the chapters, please leave kudos and comments because they motivate me to write more. I carefully think over all the feedback and advice I get so I can improve.
> 
> Thank you for giving a chance to this story, I hope you'll enjoy it!

“Well done, Alison.” I said to myself loud in Finnish, my mother tongue. “Let’s give up everything and move to the UK without enough money to last for a month? Sure. End up in the middle of nowhere in the English countryside? Yes, why not? Go find an old manor haunted by the ghost of some dead kid? Hell yeah, sounds great!”

A hooting sound interrupted my sarcastic monologue.

 _“It must’ve been an owl.”_ I thought. I suddenly wanted to know the time so I pulled the old, muted phone out of my pocket and checked the screen. It was about five a.m. I grimaced with a whiny sigh and continued my journey through the dark forest.

I was firmly following the tight road that led me deeper in the tree maze by every single step I took. After ten more minutes of walking my feet were about to give in so I stopped again to rest and dropped the heavy backpack on the ground. I looked upon the sky and let out a frustrated groan. There was nothing unusual about the early autumn British weather, the grey clouds covered almost all the stars above and I felt incredibly lucky it wasn’t raining that night. “ _What would I do then? I certainly couldn't handle walking in the muddy forest, soaked in rain, I have enough things to worry about already.”_ I thought.

First of all, I was homeless. I left my hometown in Finland because it didn’t feel like home anymore. I'd always been a good girl, a decent person, I always did what my parents and society told me to do - I had good grades, the perfect boyfriend, got a dual degree at one of the best universities in my country, I was kind to people and helped everyone who asked me to help.

My life looked like a glittered box on the surface but my inner demons didn’t stop screaming at me every night that I wasn't happy at all. Those thoughts were eating me up from the inside and I couldn’t do anything to stop them. I felt like dying in my “perfect” life. When I shared my frustrations with my loved ones they only made fun of me for being a pessimist and assured me that was exactly how real life was supposed to be which I should’ve accepted. They tried to pressure me into getting married and having children with my ex-boyfriend because "that's what normal people do". They told me to work on my career, make a family and live a happily ever after. There was only one tiny problem with this idea. I wasn’t happy.

So I ran away.

Two years had passed by, I moved from country to country, I traveled, I volunteered. I was lost and desperately searching for something I couldn’t find yet. That was how I ended up in England, basically just picked another getaway destination. But things didn’t seem to work out the way I planned.

For the last few weeks I'd been staying in a motel near a small, friendly-looking English town on the North. I got a room and some food for helping out the cleaning staff in the old building until they decided to close the motel temporarily for renovation. Since then I couldn’t find another job, nor a place to stay.

That’s right. I was unemployed and homeless. Me, Alison, the “ _perfect, shy, good girl”_ Alison.

I started to laugh hysterically as the depressing thought crossed my mind. A good girl wouldn’t have gotten so excited when she heard stories about an old manor standing in the middle of the forest, left empty by its owners with a haunted doll inside. A good girl wouldn’t have decided to take the road on her own to find the manor because she didn’t have anywhere to stay. A good girl wouldn’t have miscalculated her walking abilities and wondered around blindly in the middle of the night.

I was exhausted and jumped by every small noise I heard but there was a different, weak sensation tickling my stomach from the inside. Something simply felt right about this sad, pathetic situation I put myself into. It was a disturbing thought but it was there in my head. Insane it sounds but getting lost in the nightly forest to find this empty haunted house felt right. It felt right because it was _my own_ decision. _It might be a careless and dangerous decision, but it was my way._ As I looked upon the dark blue sky a strange way my heart felt lighter than ever.

When I accepted that I was probably a crazy person, an almost cathartic laugh escaped my mouth. I was free at least. Free to be crazy and stupid. My relieved laugh didn't last for long as I heard a noise of rolling wheels and saw a car in the darkness.

 _“Is it coming from the Heelshire manor? I thought nobody has been staying there recently.”_ I thought to myself in surprise as I quickly hid behind a tree. I didn’t know who these people were and I got scared. I was definitely safer on my own.

The car was rolling slowly on the dirt road and when it took the sharp turn next to my hiding spot I caught a glimpse of the driver. A woman. She was around my age, probably a few years older than me. She was wearing a dark hoodie and her face looked dirty. But the most disturbing thing wasn't necessary her appearance but the odd smile on her face. She smiled like she just won a battle, as if she just defeated a monster. For a second I was sure I saw another person in the car who looked like a man, sleeping. _Or injured?_

 _“Stop seeing more into things than they are.”_ I scolded myself. _“And you’re the one who's judging that woman for her crazy smile after loudly laughing and talking to yourself only a few seconds ago? C'mon, Alison...”_

I pick up my backpack as I tried to forget about the car and continued my walk in the direction of the Heelshire manor.

I quickly summarized the things I knew about the building I'd been looking for. The owner was an old couple. They went on a longer holiday a few weeks ago but never returned, no one had heard about them since then. They had a son called Brahms who died in a fire accident in 1991 at the age of eight. _That means he'd be thirty-three by now._ The parents couldn’t let go of their son's memory so they made a life size doll resembling to the eight year old Brahms and raised it as it was a real child. I heard that they even tried to find a nanny for him.

A guest whose room I was cleaning in the motel shared some of his favorite ghost stories about the Heelshires' house. He told me that people believed the doll was haunted by the little boy’s ghost whose soul couldn’t cross the other world’s boarder and trapped in the doll ever since his death.

Well, not that I didn’t believe in some paranormal existing, I didn’t buy the haunted doll story. I believed people just enjoyed gossiping about this poor couple who had lost their child in tragic circumstances. And there weren’t many things I hated more than gossiping.

 

Suddenly I felt my heart jump as I saw the old Victorian style gate of the Heelshire property. I made it. I couldn't believe I made it. I found the manor in the middle of the night without getting killed by psychos or getting lost for good. After the first shock I walked through the open gate, towards the enormous building which looked more like a mini castle than a house.

I still had to walk for a few more minutes to finally see the huge heavy looking entrance door of the Heelshire manor.

 _So I’m really going to do this. I_ _’m going to walk into this huge, allegedly haunted house and stay here for the night..._ I was scared as my flashlight enlightened the giant door, the lump growing bigger in my throat second by second but there was another feeling defeated my fear. _Excitement? Adventurousness? Curiosity? A feeling of nothing to lose? Who knows...  
_

My heart started to beat even faster as I opened the heavy, wooden door. The creaking sound of the old material broke the silence of the night and sent a strong shiver down my spine.

 _Should I say something? Maybe a hello?_ After a second I decided to quietly walk through the house. I was scared and it seemed to be a wiser choice to stay quiet.

 _What if a burglar broke in the house and is still here?_ I took small steps as I reminded myself that I didn't have the right to be there either, quietly sneaking in a house that wasn't mine. I was just as mush as an intruder as a burglar would've been. I almost scolded myself for being a terrible person but before I could have got lost in my guilt, I saw _it_. There was a body in the first room I walked into.

I quickly placed my hands over my mouth to suppress the scream that desperately wanted to leave my lips. It was a long haired, bearded man's body. His eyes were open reflecting a terrified look of his last moments of life. He was clearly dead, a piece of porcelain sticking out of his neck. There was something else lying next to him. A doll. At least the body of a life size doll. The head was missing.

Then I finally realized where it'd gone. The head of the doll was shattered into a million tiny pieces all around the room.

 _Wait a second… Did the piece of porcelain sticking out of the bearded man's neck belonged to the doll’s face as well? Was he stabbed with it?! Is this the _Brahms doll I heard about so much?_ _ I stood there completely frozen, not being able to move _. Were the woman and man in the car part of this fight? They must have been, they came from the direction of the manor. What the hell happened here? Were they criminals? Burglars? Did they kill this man?_

The fear I felt was nothing compare to what I felt when I saw the red sign on the wall. “ _GET OUT”_ it said. It was written with blood.

“That’s it, I’m leaving.” I said loudly and flinched towards the entrance door.

That was the moment when I heard it again. A silent noise I thought I was imagining while examining the horrifying scene in the game room. It was a silent but painful moan coming from upstairs. Someone was there in the house.

For a few seconds I couldn’t decide what to do. My survival instinct screamed at me that I had to run as far as I could and never look back. _Be smart, run as fast as you can until your phone gets power and call the police._ I clenched my eyes as I felt my own hesitation.

 _“But what if someone got hurt and needs my help? I can’t just leave like I didn’t hear anything.”_ I thought.

I took a deep breath and started to take the stairs with explicit steps.

I saw some pale light coming from the fourth floor - which was the highest one - so I assumed the person whose sighs I heard was there. Heavy breathing pervaded my ears as I walked through the corridor, following the light.

I entered the room, my hear racing up in my throat even if I expected to see an injured person in there.

It was another man around thirty. He was lying on his back in front of the open door, quietly moaning and desperately trying to move his upper body from the ground without any success. He held his right hand around a screwdriver that was sticking out of his stomach.

A screwdriver was sticking out of his stomach...

_Yes, he definitely needs help._


	2. The Man and the Screwdriver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!!!!!! If you get injured or find someone who got injured, ALWAYS call the ambulance and seek for professional medical help immediately! Don't try to solve situations like this on your own! !!!!!!!!!

I dropped my backpack next to him as I got down on my knees and bent over his body. There was also something else I noticed immediately as I looked at him. He was wearing a porcelain mask on the left and middle side of his face which covered his lips and nose as well. The creepy mask was broken in half though, exposing his right cheek that was completely scarred. _Those are burnt scars. He must’ve been burnt years ago._

“Hey.” I said. “It’s okay, don’t move, I’ll try to help.”

I saw panic in the man's eyes as he looked up at me. It was weird. He almost looked like he wasn’t panicking about the screwdriver, more like he was panicking about me being there and trying to help him.

But I didn’t care, it wasn’t time for demanding an explanation. I quickly opened my backpack and found the small first aid kit. I silently praised myself for being an organized and fore-handed type of person so I always carried the kit with me during my travels. Although, it wasn’t much that I had and I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to do. “ _If an object sticks out of someone you shouldn’t remove it because it might cause unstoppable bleeding. You have to call the ambulance immediately."_  I recalled the warning words of the teacher from my first aid class at school.

I reminded myself that my phone couldn't find any signal so I was completely helpless. _Except if the house has landline phone._

“My phone doesn’t get any signal. Is there a landline phone in the house I can use?” I asked the injured guy in a shaky, impatient tone.

“No!” He shouted, making me jump.

“What? I need to call the ambulance for you or you might die.” I said to him.

“Don’t!” He argued in a deep, husky voice. “No ambulance.”

I froze for a second but then fortunately pulled myself together.

“Okay, there’s no other way then.” I said and picked up the small, grey scissors from the first aid kit and before the injured man could have reacted I'd started to cut his shirt open.

He painfully gasped when I carefully cut the fabric around the screwdriver. I finally reached the top of his shirt, setting free his entire stomach and chest. With my left hand I pushed some sterilized gauze bundle around the injured area while grasped the screwdriver with my right hand. I looked at the guy with a pitiful look and slowly pulled the screwdriver out of his belly.

He took it with his eyes clenched.

Then the bleeding started. I kept pressure on the wound and hoped for the best. _I can't believe he didn’t let me call the ambulance. Why did I even listen to him?!_ I felt irresponsible and stupid. I should have made the phone call anyway...

I studied sociology and criminology at the university and we had basic first aid training. Not much but at least it was something I could rely on, trying to recall every single detail I had learned about stabbed wounds.

 _“Never remove an object, always wait for proper medical help to arrive.”_   Tears gathered in my eyes as I saw the guy bleeding heavily and was hundred percent sure that it was my fault if he died, whoever he was.

Then I remembered it could be extremely important to comfort the injured person so I tried to calm down and forced myself to talk to him.

“It’s gonna be okay, you’ll be fine, just stay with me.” I told him in the tenderest voice I could speak in.

Fortunately, luck had been on our side and not so long after the bleeding got better. I believed the screwdriver had hit him around the intestines so if it didn’t get infected he’d probably survive.

“This will hurt a lot but you’ll be fine after.” I warned him as I got some medical alcohol in my hand.

The poor guy groaned loudly in pain as I streamed some alcohol in the wound. After I'd finished cleaning the wound, I put bondage on it and made some more pressure on it to help his body stop the rest of the bleeding.

That was the moment when he passed out. It didn't surprise me though - after all, I just removed a screwdriver from his belly.

*

I put the red pillow under his head I had found on the bed and placed some wrapped blankets under his legs to help his blood circulation. I checked his pulse. It was fine.

His green cardigan had slipped off his shoulders earlier as he'd been struggling in pain. I blushed a little when my gaze wondered for a few short moments at his exposed shoulders, biceps and hairy chest. I took a cover from the bed and carefully put it on him as I remembered the importance of keeping an injured person warm.

 _Who is this guy? Why is he dressed this weird way? Why is he so dirty?_ The man looked tall even in his lying position. He was barefoot and wore dirty, old-fashioned clothes. He looked like he hadn’t taken a shower in ages. His dark curly hair fell back when he threw his head back in pain. _Would he be mad if I removed the rest of his mask to put some wet towel on his forehead?  
_

I figured he wore the mask for a reason, obviously to hide his damaged face, but it broke in half and didn’t cover his scars anyway so it didn’t matter anymore. I hesitated for a little longer before reaching to his face and taking the rest of the mask off.

The left side of his face was free of scars, so was his nose, lips and most of his forehead. He looked quiet handsome even with his scars on the right side.

I found my way to the bathroom quickly, wet a towel, went back to the room and placed it on his forehead. " _What on Earth happened here?”_ I thought to myself while I was looking around in the room which looked like a venue of a deadly battle. Other than that, it seemed to be a child’s bedroom. A few toys were lying on the floor, probably fell down from the shelf. A picture of a puppy was hanging on the wall in a sloping position.

A dark thought crept into my mind, making me swallow anxiously. _What if the guy I saved was the attacker and had killed the other man downstairs? What if he also attacked the woman and the man in the car? What if I saved the bad guy’s life?_

His sigh pulled me out of my head. He gently cocked his head as he regained consciousness, then slowly opened his eyes. He lifted his head up looking down at his belly to check the wound and seemed slightly surprised when he realized his body was covered with the blanket. He then looked up at me, catching my eyes with his. Confusion appeared on him and all of a sudden he reached to his face and touched it. Panic appeared in his eyes immediately as the realization hit him about his missing porcelain mask. He quickly moved both of his arms in a protecting position against his head trying to cover the right side of his face as our gaze met again.

The amount of fear and panic I discovered in that look was absolutely disturbing but the shame in his eyes was even worse. I felt embarrassed as if I just saw something I wasn’t supposed to see.

He looked so fragile, so vulnerable as he looked at me between his arms like a hurt child would look at someone strong and powerful. It made my sense of justice kick in and I even forgot about the scary thoughts I had had about him only a few seconds ago. I had no idea who that guy was or what had happened to him but I knew one thing. No one should ever feel this bad about themselves because of their looks, no matter what.

“It’s okay.” I told him in a shaky but gentle voice as I slowly reached for his arms and mildly tried to pull them away from his face. “Hey, these aren’t the first scars I've seen in my life. I've seen much worse to be honest. You don’t have to be scared of me.”

My words made him let me pull his arms away from his right cheek but his shaky breathing stayed as he stared at me with wide eyes.

“It’s okay.” I repeated. “There's nothing wrong with you. Will you let me take care of you a little?” I continued without being aware of the fact that I automatically talked to him as if I tried to calm down a scared boy. “I stopped the bleeding and treated your wound but you should lie here still for a while.”

The guy yet didn’t answer, he was only gazing me with wide eyes as if I said something he'd never heard before.

“I go find a few things we might need here.” I said to him as I attempted to stand up but suddenly I felt his hand on mine. He squeezed with desperation in his action.

“Don’t leave me.” He begged. _Or demanded?_ I wasn't sure but his words made me freeze. It wasn’t what he said made me motionless but the voice he said in… I'd never heard a voice like that coming out of a grown man’s throat. It was the voice of a child, not a man. Shiver went down my spine and I even opened my mouth a little from surprise.

_What the hell was that?_


	3. Brahms

“It’s okay, I won’t leave you.” Somehow I pulled myself together. “I just need to bring some stuff from the bathroom. It’ll only take a few minutes, I promise.”

He nodded and slowly let go of my hand, still keeping his green eyes on my blue ones. I forced myself to send him a weak smile and walked to the bathroom. I found a white, plastic washbowl and took another small towel. I filled the bowl with warm water and walked back to the room still shivering from that creepy, high-toned child voice.

I sat next to the weird guy and put down the towel and the washbowl next to his head. I removed the still wet but cold towel from his forehead and wet it with the warm water. He winced as I gently started to rub his dirty face with the warm, wet material, started from the unharmed side slowly moving to the right. He watched my every movement, his eyes getting a softer, calmer look to them. When I reached his old scars he winced one more time, I could see the fear coming back into his light gaze only for a second until his breathing finally slowed down as I continued washing his face. He was staring at me like a child would stare at his mother while she was caressing his face at bedtime.

The weirdness of the situation reached a point where I wasn’t really sure what I was doing anymore. My hand was automatically moving on his face with the towel cleaning it softly, while my eyes were locked with his. _What am I doing? What am I going to do next?_

I forced myself to say something.

“What’s your name?” I asked the most obvious question I could think of. I didn’t get an answer, the guy only continued to stare at me. “I’m Alison.” I added.

“I’m not from here as you probably noticed from my accent.” I broke the silence since he still didn’t say anything. “I’m actually from Finland.” Still no answer, the only thing I got from him was a stare with a spark of interest in his eyes.

“Will you tell me what happened here? What happened to you?” I blurted out finally.

More silence. I started to get mad at that point that he didn’t say anything. _I know he can talk, why wouldn't he answer?_

“You do realize there’s a dead man downstairs with a piece of porcelain in his neck, don’t you?” I asked in an impatient tone. He at least nodded.

“Do you know what happened to him?” I asked.

“He was a bad man.” The guy answered finally in the creepy child voice. I ignored the shiver running down my spine as his eyes suddenly got a dark tint to them which I didn’t like at all. “He wanted to hurt her again. I needed to stop him.”

My heart jumped and my hand stopped with the wet towel in it. So he really was the one who killed the bearded man. I swallowed and threw the towel in the washbowl and reached for the dry one.

“Her? Who did he hurt?” I asked after I'd finished drying his face with the fresh towel. “I saw a woman and a man drive out of the forest, they seemed hurt. Was it her?”

I immediately regretted asking that question as I saw the man’s features get darker with a burning rage in his eyes.

“She… She asked for my help and after I'd given it to her she betrayed me and left me for him.” He said between his teeth in a low toned, husky voice. The sudden change in his tone scared the hell out of me. I saw his hands forming into fists which I didn’t want to see either. I could only guess that the woman or the man I saw had stabbed him with the screwdriver. I had been praised for my strong imagination for my entire life but it failed me this time. I couldn’t put together the pieces. Three men and that one woman, all three wanted her, one of them was dead, one of them got stabbed and she was driving away with the third one who was injured as well as I could see from behind the tree.

This was all too much for me. I was already in a minor shock after finding the dead man but now, my brain couldn’t take in more. No wonder everyone was creating ghost stories, ghosts would be still less crazy than these people. A ghost story would’ve been simpler than this messed up shit going on in the Heelshire manor.

“Is this funny to you Alison?” The man growled, his eyes sent me a death stare. I felt mild pain and I realized he grabbed my right wrist and squeezed it so tightly it was actually hurting. The physical pain finally pulled me out of shock and allowed me to take control over my body again. I immediately stopped the desperate chuckle I didn’t even realize I'd let out.

“No, I’m sorry, of course it isn’t funny.” I started to explain as I winced in pain. “It’s just… This story is too much for me to take in, I didn’t expect this when I decided to come here. Would you let go of me, please? You’re hurting me!”

He finally loosened his grip around my wrist but he didn’t let me go.

“What do you mean, Alison?” He asked still gasping from anger.

“What do I mean by what?” I asked back in a shaky voice.

“What did you expect to find here? Why did you come here?”

I hesitated first. I didn’t like talking about myself. Especially not about the kind of reckless things I had been doing lately with my life, things that made me look stupid. And let’s be honest, the reason I came to the Heelshires' home seemed stupid as hell.

“Well…” I started. Seeing his angry features and guessing what he was capable of I found it a better choice to start talking. “I was working in a motel not too far from here but it was closed for renovation. I couldn’t find another job and I’m kind of broke, I couldn’t pay for a room anywhere else, I don’t have any friends around here and I didn’t have anywhere to stay…” I took a deep breath. The guy was looking at me, waiting for me to continue.

“I… I heard some pub talks about the Heelshire family and their house. One of the motel guests even showed me a photo about the manor and told me where to find it. I don’t know, the picture and the stories I heard got stuck in my mind. I know it sounds incredibly stupid but I just couldn’t get it out of my head, I had a strange feeling like something was attracting me here.” I felt myself blushing and I nervously started to look at the ground instead of the man’s eyes. I felt embarrassed saying these words loud. I couldn’t even imagine how stupid I must’ve sounded.

“What kind of stories did you hear?” He asked suddenly.

“I heard that an old couple owned this manor. I heard they had a son called Brahms who died in a fire accident in 1991 but they couldn’t let go of his memory so they got a life size doll to take care of it like it was their son. People are also talking about a ghost story.”

“A ghost story?” The guy asked quietly, almost whispering. Besides the obvious anger his green eyes looked so disturbingly innocent that I couldn't decide whether I wanted to rock him to sleep or run away from him for good.

“Some people believe the doll is haunted by Brahms’ ghost.” I said while rolling my eyes.

“What do _you_ believe, Alison?” The man whispered, sending a shiver through my body again.

“I believe people talk too much and try to get satisfaction from others’ pain.” I said firmly. “Not that it didn’t creep me out that the house is allegedly haunted. But I didn’t have anywhere to go. I heard the owners haven’t returned from their holiday yet and nobody knows where they went anyway.” I could have sworn I saw a tint of sadness in his eyes when I said that but I ignored it and continued. “So I decided to find this place thinking if I couldn’t get inside the house I’d just stay outside for the night.”

“Outside?” He asked.

“Yes. I mean, I figured it’s still better to spend the night outside here where no one comes than on the streets. Well, at least I thought no one would be here. I didn’t expect to walk in after some kind of fight and find a dead man and another guy stabbed with a screwdriver. If I knew that I would’ve probably chosen the streets.”

“I’m glad you chose to come here, Alison.” He said in a more tender voice than before. I found it creepy and disturbing that he said my name loud almost after every sentence. This reminded me that I still didn’t know his name.

“So will you tell me your name?” I asked shyly, trying to avoid pissing him off again.

He cocked his head a little on the red pillow while looking at me with his green, doll like eyes.

“Brahms.” He said with his child voice.


	4. The Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my previous three chapters. I'm so grateful for your comments and kudos, it feels crazy that people read what's coming out from my head. :D
> 
> The next chapter is going to be a Brahms' POV chapter and I'm already nervous about that one. But for now, enjoy The Deal. :)

“What did you say?” I asked in a shaky voice. I didn’t want to believe what I just heard.

He didn’t repeat his name, just continued to stare at me silently. My stomach turned upside down when the realization hit me. His clothes, his broken mask, his child voice, he actually did resemble to a life size, grown up doll. I still wasn’t willing to believe it.

_“It must be some kind of joke.”_ I tried to convince myself. But then my eyes rolled down to his very much real burnt scars… My lips separated from each other as I reminded myself that Brahms died in a fire accident. His age would fit as well.

“You mean you are Brahms Heelshire?” I asked to gain some more time to think.

He nodded.

“But that’s not possible. He died 25 years ago.” I said with a fake calm smile.

He gently shook his head.

“So you didn’t die in the fire. You just… burned your face but got out alive, yet people think you’re dead.” I claimed in a disbelieving tone.

He looked away from me with sad eyes. He looked like a child who was caught doing something bad and felt guilty about it. It softened my attitude a little. I didn’t know what to say even if I had tons of questions. I didn’t know where to start and I was also scared of him.

“So you live here I suppose.” I didn’t dare to make him angry with asking about what happened tonight again.

He nodded.

“Does someone else know you’re alive?”

Nodding again.

“Your parents?”

More nodding.

“When are they coming back?”

“They aren’t.” He answered with a high-pitch but husky voice.

“Are you sure? I heard they only went for holiday.”

“They aren’t coming back. They left.” He said.

“How do you know?” I couldn’t help asking it.

“They told me. In a letter.” He said with his strong British accent still with that high toned, shaky voice as he looked away from my eyes again.

Did his parents leave him? Well, yes he was a grown up man but it was obvious that he had some serious issues as he talked and acted like a child. My guess was that he wasn’t been able to grow up after that fire accident. Was it because of the effect of the trauma? Or was he forced to stay a young boy by his parents because of some twisted reason? I wasn’t sure which option would’ve been worse. The situation itself was pretty bad. The parents, the owners of this property left for good, they left their house with their mentally unstable son in it who everyone believed was dead.

_“What did I get myself into?”_

My rambling thinking was disturbed by Brahms.

“You won’t leave me, will you, Alison?” He asked with his child voice.

“Do you want me to stay? In this house?” I asked.

He nodded.

“But… _Brahms_ …“ I started, forcing myself to say these words even if I was scared of his reaction. “You killed someone. His dead body is lying downstairs.”

Silence crept into the room. I saw Brahms’ features become darker.

“He deserved it, Alison. He tried to hurt her again and he hurt me. He broke my head. He ruined me.” He said.

“Broke your head…” I repeated. I suddenly remembered what I saw in that room, the doll’s head was broken into tiny pieces of porcelain. “You mean he broke the doll’s head…”

He nodded with a scary, fierce look in his eyes. I understood that in some twisted way he felt like the other guy tried to kill him by breaking the doll but killing the guy was still wrong in so many ways, even if he was a bad man.

“You don’t need to be scared of me, Alison.” He said like he could read my mind.

“Don’t I?”

He shook his head.

“I wouldn’t hurt you, unless you hurt me first.” He said slowly.

I started to think. One part of me was creeped out, constantly screaming that this was all insane and I should run and never look back. But there was some other feeling in me that gave me the shivers. The thought that I would do something unexpected, something even dangerous and crazy suddenly popped up in my mind, causing a strange, warm feeling in my stomach I had never felt before. I couldn’t explain what it was but I also couldn’t ignore it. Also, I was broke and I desperately needed a place to stay until I get my things together.

“I’ll be a good boy.” Brahms’ voice broke my thinking process again.

“Who was that two men and the woman and what happened exactly?” I asked suddenly.

Brahms visibly didn’t appreciate my question since his eyes narrowed and got darker again. I forgot he was still holding my wrist until he squeezed it again, although it didn’t turn into iron like the last time.

“Sorry Brahms but if you want me to stay here with you, you need to tell me. I can’t stay if I don’t know the whole story. I need to trust you, you know.”

He hesitated. I thought he would say no when he finally started talking.

“Mommy and Daddy got me Greta.” He started in his child voice.

“Okay...” I said to encourage him to continue, although it wasn’t an encouraging first sentence for me to hear.

“She had been taking care of me and she was mine to love and take care for.” He continued. “But he tried to hurt her again and broke my face so he had to be stopped. Then Malcolm… He tried to take her away from me. But she came back. I thought she really wanted to stay with me. She put me in bed, kissed me good night and then…” His voice became deep and shaky, his eyes starting to get that crazy frightening spark in them that he had earlier.

I swallowed as I asked.

“What happened next, Brahms?”

He slowly touched the cover around his stomach area.

“Did Greta stab you?” I asked. For a moment I thought he wouldn’t be able to control his anger but he finally swallowed and nodded.

“I never would have hurt her.” He growled.

“You threw her to the wall after?” I asked after looking around in the room, trying to recreate the scene in my head. “But she pushed the screwdriver deeper.”

I could read from his face that that was exactly what happened.

“Then she got Malcolm and drove away.” I whispered, sensing I might have gone too far. But Brahms only let out a growl and he put his hand under the blanket letting go of my wrist.

I reached for the blanket and lifted it away from him to check his belly. The bandage was bloody, though it wasn’t that bad as far as I could tell. I removed it as Brahms winced in pain. I carefully washed and cleaned the wound again and put a new bandage on it. I also gave him some anti-inflammation drugs for the pain.

 

“Deal.” I said suddenly after I put the cover on Brahms again. He gave me an uncomprehending look.

“I’ll stay for a while to take care of you if you promise you wouldn’t hurt me. No matter what. I promise I would never hurt you either. Deal?” Even _I_ was surprised at the level of confidence in my words.

“Deal.” He said with his low, grown up voice like he was trying to man up for a serious deal like this and to show me how seriously he would take our words.

“Great. So we have to discuss what to do with the body.” I said firmly.

I couldn’t believe those words came out of _my_ mouth.

*

The sun was already up but the trees around the house were still covered by the thick fog. I was checking the property with my eyes, at least the part of it I could see from the window. We didn’t have much time to make decisions and act. It must have been at least three hours since I saw Greta and Malcolm driving away. How long does it take for the police to get here?

I suddenly remembered the disturbing smile on Greta’s face when I saw her driving. I know she was probably in shock but I couldn’t get out of my mind a thought. She kind of seemed… Relieved. Brahms said the other man had hurt her before and he attempted to hurt her again. It sounded like she was in an abusive relationship with that man in the past. Probably Greta ran away from him at the first place, that’s how she ended up here in the middle of nowhere as Brahms’ nanny. The guy must have found her here. But Brahms made sure he couldn’t get a hand on her ever again, so maybe I was right and she did feel relieved in some point. It sounded bad but I wouldn’t blame her for that. And the guy in the car… Malcolm… He must have been a boyfriend or a close friend of hers.

I felt my brain wanted to explode as I was trying to put the pieces together from the tiny amount of information I had. I trusted my intuitions because I was good at figuring out real life crime stories based on only crime scenes or even less information. That was what I had been doing for years at university.

“Did Greta and Malcolm know that you were alive before tonight?” I asked suddenly looking at Brahms over my shoulders. He was already sitting on the bed with his hand on his bandage. I quickly put everything back to the shelf before, making the room looked organized.

“No.” Brahms answered silently in his child voice.

I made a humming sound. My quickly summarized final theory was that Greta had been hired as the doll’s nanny. Her abusive ex showed up, freaked out because Greta didn’t want to go back to him, tried to force maybe even beat her and broke the doll’s head in anger. Then the real Brahms completely lost it, came out from his hiding place wherever that was and killed the guy. Greta and Malcolm started running away from him but he took Malcolm down. Greta escaped but she came back for Malcolm. She tricked Brahms, pretending she was willing to stay with him. She put him in bed, then stabbed him.

When I finished putting together my assumption I already knew what I had to do.

“Can you walk?” I asked Brahms, forcing myself to ignore the voices in my head telling me I was crazy and a horrible person for what I was about to do.


	5. Building Me Up Again – Brahms’ POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter basically starts where the movie ends. Same scene, Brahms fixing the doll. I heard several people saying the ending scene of the movie doesn't make any sense. Of course it does, you just need to have imagination. :)
> 
> It was very hard to write this chapter, Brahms is a complicated character (but that's why we love him, don't we?) and it didn't turn out to be too long. But I wanted to show you what's going on in his mind at the beginning of my story. I also wanted to give you tiny hints about his life, past and about his mental struggles at the moment. It also prepares the next chapters where you're going to understand what the characters are up to.
> 
> Long story short, despite of the struggle, I loved being in Brahms’ head and I hope you will too.
> 
> Thank you for all the feedback you gave me and for all the kudos and comments, you are awesome. :)

I was sitting at my craft desk in my room. Tiny pieces of porcelain were lying on the top of the desk around me. The pieces of my head. _How incredibly humiliating._ Well, I knew it wasn’t my head physically, it was the doll’s head, but... It was still me, at least a part of me. Probably the most important part of me. They all loved the doll me. They loved and cared for it. They loved and cared for _me_ by it. That was the only way I had been feeling alive for a very long time.

I sat the body of the doll on a chair next to me and started to stick the pieces of porcelain together using the strongest glue I had. I started to hum my lullaby while I was working on building up my doll self again.

I loved working at my craft desk. Mummy named it craft desk. She always used to say I was gifted with my hands. I was the happiest person on Earth when she taught me how to sew. I was impressed how two or more materials become one and create something new, something completely different and unique. Patching, tinker, creating objects by hand had become my favorite activity besides reading. I adored books and stories but handiwork was different, it somehow calmed me down whenever I felt angry or frustrated. Mummy brought me all the tools and materials I needed to create new things in my room in the walls.

But her amazement had stopped one day. She didn’t accept the things I made or drew for her. Something slowly changed in her eyes when she looked at me. I didn’t understand what I did wrong. Well yes, my body started to act strangely. I grew a lot, I became strangely strong and big, my voice became deep and scary and all these silly hairs started coming out of nowhere. And the scars… They remained the same as before but in overall I looked bloody scary and somehow even the scars looked scarier on my face. I knew the changes scared both Mummy and Daddy. I understand that, it scared me as well, I didn’t know what was happening to me.

I even tried to repress the scary, deep voice when I realized how Mummy gave me a weak smile when I talked in my old, high-pitched tone again. I felt frustrated all the time and a burning rage grew in me like it wanted to make me explode. I wanted to talk to them and be with them, I wanted them to visit me more often in the walls. But they didn’t. I craved their attention and I did everything to get it but then they got angry with me, telling me that I was a bad boy with fear in their eyes when I threw things to the wall.

They adored the doll on the other hand. They took it everywhere with themselves, caressed it, fondled it. They told me we had to communicate through the doll from that time. They talked to the doll and I did everything as they said. I know they were talking to me, the doll was only a nicer, prettier and more lovable form of me for them to see every day. Greta acted almost the same. She loved me when she was taking care of me through the doll but when she saw how scary I look she didn’t want to have me anymore.

I looked at the porcelain face. I did everything I could to fix it, some tiny pieces were missing but it didn’t look that bad. At least it still looked prettier than my _real_ face. I looked at the broken mask lying in the corner of my desk as I let out a sigh.

_“I need to fix my mask later as well. I wish I had time for repairing it right now to show Alison my prettier face when I go meet her in a few minutes.”_

My heart jumped as I reminded myself that she already saw me like this yet she didn’t care. She wasn’t scared of my monstrous look. How is that possible? I slowly stroked my fingertips on both of the sides of my face. I closed my eyes as I tried to evoke the feeling of the warm towel’s touch when she was gently moving it on me. I couldn’t even tell how many years had passed since I felt someone touching my face like that even only with a towel. She saw my scars and she still saved my life. She did truly care about me.

_Not like Greta._

Anger started to grow inside of me as I walked towards my bed. I looked at my Greta doll which was lying on the sheets calmly. I took it in my hand. I reached for the red dress and pulled it down from her. I closed my eyes and smelled it one more last time. I felt like a heavy object was placed on my chest as the memory of her betrayal hit me. I violently kicked into the nightstand next to my bed causing the lamp to jig. I suddenly felt a sharp pain splat into my stabbed wound that made me flinch and let out a whine. It only lasted for a few seconds, only a milder pain stayed after that. I threw the Greta doll into the corner of my bed and covered it with one of my blankets. I didn’t want to see her for a while. I took the red dress and my now fixed doll self and left my room.

 

I found Alison standing in the kitchen. I stopped behind her and watched her putting soap, vinegar, salt and steamy water in a bowl.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Whoa, Brahms, you can’t sneak on me like this!” She jumped.

I lowered my head. I didn’t mean to scare her. She looked exhausted. Her face was pale and her long, light brown braid was a mess.

“I’m making a mix for washing the blood out of the carpet properly.” She explained with a softer tone.

“ _How does she know all these things?”_ I wondered.

“I studied criminology and sociology in school. I kind of… know how to manipulate a crime scene.” She answered my untold question. I raised an eyebrow on her.

“I’ve never done anything like this before of course. I’m not a criminal.” She said with an embarrassed look on her face.

I gently winced as she started to walk closer to me. _“What if she changes her mind about my scars?”_

She stopped around two steps from me and reached for the doll, then carefully took it in her arms.

“You fixed the doll as I see.” She remarked while studying the porcelain face. “You did a nice job. Good boy.”

I lightened up from pride as I heard her compliment.

She sat the doll on a kitchen chair.

“And _that_ belongs to Greta I suppose.” She pointed to the red dress lying on my lower arm. I nodded and lowered my head once again. It sure wasn’t a nice gesture to steal a girl’s dress. I didn’t want Alison to think I was a naughty boy.

“Give it to me.” She demanded and I handed the dress over. She hesitated like she wasn’t sure she wanted to touch it but then she took it.

“Okay, now go back to your hiding place and lie down.” She said pointing to my stabbed tummy. “I’m going to take care of the rest.”

“Thank you, Ali.” I said to her and left.

I went back into the walls through a secret entrance from the living room. My movements were slow as the pain started to increase around my wound. I could barely climb on the metal ladder upstairs to my room. Every step I normally took in a heartbeat now felt like slow agony. I collapsed on my bed after I finally reached it, letting out a painful sigh. Sweat started to roll down on my forehead heavily.

Greta wounded me badly. Not only physically. Her betrayal hurt in a way I couldn’t understand.

_“How lucky I am that Alison arrived. I could have survived the wound on my own but the loneliness is something I couldn’t bear. Mummy and Daddy, then Greta… They all left me.”_

_“She will leave too.”_ I heard a voice sneaking in my head. _“Everyone leaves you because you are a monster and you don’t deserve love.”_

“Shut up.” I said loudly and closed my eyes. All I heard after was a silent but evil laugh echoing in my head.

 _“I should rather move around in the walls and check on Alison just in case.”_ I thought ignoring the other dark thoughts I had about everyone leaving me.

I tried to sit up in the bed but my body responded with pulsating pain. I was too weak.

Shiver ran through my body.

 _“It’s colder in here than usual.”_ I thought and pulled the grey blanket over me but it didn’t help. My whole body started to tremble.

Then I closed my eyes one more time, finally allowing the exhaustion to take over.


	6. Tea Party with the Policemen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very long but Alison's story needed to be detailed.
> 
> I know it seems a little weird that Alison helps Brahms without too much hesitation but she has a reason for that which I won't reveal just yet. But you'll see. :)
> 
> I appreciate your feedback so much. It's funny how kudos and comments make me so happy but they do. :D

I was sitting at the kitchen table slowly chewing a banana-pecan granola bar I brought with me in my backpack. That was the first thing I have eaten since the previous day, still I couldn’t enjoy the sweet taste in my mouth. My eyes were sore and my body felt so heavy I could barely hold myself in a sitting position on the kitchen chair. I managed to take a quick shower and change my clothes before but it only made my desire for a soft bed and deep sleep stronger.

I heard a beeping sound coming from the laundry room. I swallowed the last bite of my granola bar and hurried to the dryer. I took out the red dress, remarking with relief it survived the drying process in some miracles way.

I forced myself not to think of the fact that Brahms stole Greta’s dress and kept it somewhere in his lair. Then a distant memory popped up in my mind. When I was in high-school I had a huge crush on this guy who I was friends with. We used to hang out a lot as friends and one time he got really drunk when we went out. The next day he couldn’t remember he left his hoodie at my place before his older brother picked him up and took him home. When he asked me if I had seen his sweater I said no. I kind of stole it… Only because it smelled like him.

I felt how my cheeks were getting red as I evoked the embarrassing memory from my teen years.

 _“It’s not the same as what Brahms did.”_ I tried to convince myself.

I went to the entrance hall and placed the dress in the red suitcase standing at the bottom of the stairs. I closed the suitcase and placed it next to the huge, already packed, grey bag. After that I dragged myself to the living room and lay down on the big, comfortable sofa. I closed my eyes as I let out a long sigh and fall asleep right away.

*

The distant sound of a slammed car door woke me up. It took a few seconds for me to realize where I was and adjust to the happenings of the previous hours. I jumped from the couch and ran to the window while tying my hair up in a ponytail with a white hair tie. I saw two police officers walking upstairs on the entrance staircase. A police car was standing not far from the stairs.

I was breathing in deeply trying to calm down my racing heart when I heard the knocking. I walked to the entrance door. I put on the most innocent facial expression I had and opened the heavy, wooden door.

The late afternoon sunlight blinded me for a few seconds as I was looking at the policemen.

“Good afternoon, young lady.” The older, grey haired officer greeted me.

“Good afternoon, sir.” I said. The other officer looked younger, probably was in his mid-thirties. They both looked confused as they shared a quick look with each other. Probably they didn’t expect a young woman answering their knocks. Probably they didn’t expect anyone to open the door for them.

“What’s your name, miss?” Asked the older policeman.

“Alison Heikki.” I answered softly, placing my round shaped, blue eyes on him.

“Do you live here in the Heelshires’ house, Miss Heikki?” Asked the older man again.

“Yes…Well, technically I arrived yesterday evening.” I lied.

“Where are you from, miss?” He asked.

“I’m from Finland.”

“Finland… Nice. Do you work for the Heelshire family?” The younger officer said finally. I could notice a touch of sarcasm in his tone.

“Yes, I do.” I endorsed. “I was hired by Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire a few weeks ago to take care of their son, Brahms.”

I was quite terrified how easily I was lying to these officers.

“Well, we are here due to a claim we got from Miss Evans.” The grey haired officer said.

“Can we come in?” The younger policeman asked impatiently.

“Of course, please come in.” I said with a firm tone and opened the enormous door wider for them to walk in.

I walked them through the entrance hall while they were looking around like they were trying to find shady signs in the house.

“Is Greta alright?” I asked in a concerned voice.

“Miss Evans is unharmed, although she claimed some concerning events happening last night in the Heelshire manor.” The older man said. “Although, I do not see any sign of a crime or fight happening here and you seem fairly unharmed as well, miss. But we need to ask you a few questions if you don’t mind.”

I nodded.

“Can I bring you tea?” I asked politely.

*

I was sitting on the couch in the living room with the two policemen sitting on two chairs, facing me. The fresh made tea was steaming on the small coffee table between us. I was embarrassed of serving tea for these British officers. Judgmental as it sounds but I heard tons of legends about how British people were obsessed with drinking tea. I heard that they preferred drinking it with milk even. I had no idea if these stories were true since I couldn’t imagine a nation where every single person liked the same thing. For example, we had tons of famous national food made of fish in Finland and I hated all of them, I hated fish. I had also no idea how I was supposed to serve tea after I found at least six different tea sets with different kinds of mugs, cups, jugs and fancy tea spoons. It probably didn’t matter to the officers too much since they didn’t visit for a tea party but this tea thing still made me anxious in some weird way.

The older officer made a soft chuckle after I let out a relieved sigh watching him taking a sip of his tea.

“So when exactly did the Heelshires hire you, miss Heikki?” He asked.

“Around a month ago.” I lied.

“A month ago?” Asked the younger police officer with a disbelieving tone. “Why would they hire a nanny if they already had one?”

I stared at him with innocent, wide eyes as I braced myself to tell the biggest lie of my entire life.

“I was looking for a job on the English countryside when I saw the ad of this family looking for a nanny. I contacted them and they reached me back telling me that they had already found a nanny but they would’ve felt better if another person helped her out. They had concerns how Greta could manage the manor and Brahms on her own. Well, you know…” I stopped looking at the policemen with a confused, innocent look. “I assume you know the story of the doll and what happened to the _real_ Brahms.” I said quietly.

“Of course we know.” They nodded.

“Well, I believe Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire were so worried about leaving the doll alone for the first time in 25 years that they wanted to make sure they had a second nanny if Greta couldn’t manage it. They weren’t mistaken to be honest…” I said.

“What do you mean by that, Alison?” Asked the younger cop.

“We agreed on starting from this day. Although I traveled to the neighbored town two weeks earlier to get to know the area.” I continued. “As I said I arrived in the manor yesterday evening. I met Greta and Malcolm. Greta somehow seemed a bit off, although that was the first time I met her. She said she hadn’t slept for days, because she had been having disturbing nightmares.”

“Nightmares?” The young officer asked.

“You know… Nightmares about _the doll_. Like the doll comes to life and tries to kill her and Malcolm and stuff like that.”

“I don’t blame her.” I continued as the officers didn’t say anything. “I mean, it’s kind of creepy, let’s be honest. But I would say it’s more sad than creepy. But Greta was a complete mess yesterday evening. She became hysterical. I had the chance to have a few words with his friend, Malcolm after she went to bed.”

I felt how shame and remorse started to grow inside of me and an inner voice roaring that what a bitch I was and it was just not right and fair to Greta and Malcolm what I was doing. But I forced myself to ignore it. I was already deep enough in the lies and there wasn’t a way back. I needed to stick to the story I created.

“What did he tell you?” The grey-haired policeman asked.

“He told me that Greta wanted to leave. They both wanted to leave. He said Greta started to lose her mind completely in this house. Not only the nightmares but she somehow got obsessed with the idea of the doll being alive. She found out a story about the Heelshires faking Brahms’ death and that he had been hiding somewhere in the house… She jumped for every sound she heard, she became obsessed with the house too. Malcolm started to freak out as well as he couldn’t sleep worrying about Greta.”

“Why didn’t they just leave then?” Asked the younger man.

“Malcolm said Greta somehow still cared about this doll. She felt like it was destroying her but she still didn’t want to leave it alone. Malcolm said she didn’t want to cause more pain to Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire.”

“Did Miss Evans mention a violent ex-boyfriend of hers?” The older cop asked me.

“No. But Malcolm did. He told me that the guy figured out where to find Greta and she was scared that he’d come here.”

“But he didn’t appear here last night, did he?”

“No, he didn’t.” I made a confused face as I would’ve been surprised to hear that assumption. “I never saw him. Malcolm said though the guy was in some of Greta’s nightmares. She dreamt about Brahms coming alive and killing the ex for her.”

The officers shared a meaningful look with each other.

“What happened later in the night, Miss Heikki?”

I took a clearly visible sigh before I started talking again.

“Malcolm and I went to bed as well. But… Sometime later I woke up to Greta screaming. I ran into her room. She had another nightmare. But that time she completely lost it. She was standing in the middle of her bedroom with a bat in her hand, crying and screaming how she saw the doll standing next to her bed… With her ex-boyfriend’s head in its hand…” I took a deep breath while looking at the policemen with a sad expression on my face. “Malcolm tried to calm her down and explain she only had a nightmare. But Greta pushed him away and… Hit his head with the bat. She was probably under the effect of her nightmare I suppose because after she hit him she immediately realized what she had done and started to cry. Then they decided that was it, they were going to leave right away. I tried to stop them since Malcolm was hit really hard, I mean his talking was a complete mess, he barely knew where he was. But Greta put her in his car and drove away with him. At least she promised me their first stop would be a hospital… Is Malcolm okay too?” I asked to decrease my burning guilt. I really hoped he was okay.

“He suffered a trauma on his head, he might have some minor memory loss as well, but he’ll recover soon.” The grey-haired officer answered.

“I was so scared when I saw the police car, I thought something bad happened to them.”

“Well…” The older officer let out a sigh. “They told us a different kind of story. Miss Evans was entirely out of control when they came to the police station, not making too much sense to be honest. She would talk about the Heelshire kid being alive as a grown man, wearing a mask, killing the ex-boyfriend of hers and then chasing them through the manor. But thanks to your help we have a clear sight of what is really going on here.” He smiled at me weakly.

“Although, I’d still like to look around in the house.” The skeptical officer said while he was finishing his tea.

“Of course.” I nodded. “I packed Greta’s suitcases, they are in the hall. I figured she didn’t want to spend much time in the manor when she comes back for her stuff.”

“That is very thoughtful of you, miss. We’re going to take her bags with us and give them to her if you don’t mind.”

I nodded as we stood up to start our walk through the manor.

 

It took about fifteen minutes for them to quickly check the scenes of the alleged fight.

“Was it Greta’s room?” Asked the younger one.

“No, it’s mine.” I lied. _Of course_ that was Greta’s room but I decided to put my things in there and lie about it after Brahms mentioned some opening in the closet that should’ve been covered as well. “The next bedroom was hers.”

We walked in there, the younger officer hurried to the closet and examined the inside of it. I swore I could see a disappointed grimace on his face when he didn’t find anything there.

“Where is the doll?” He asked as he raised his eyebrows.

“It’s in its bedroom.” I said.

“Can we see it?” He asked.

“Of course.” I said and walked them into the doll’s room. The Brahms doll was sitting on the rocking chair.

“What happened to its face? Was it broken?”

“Well… I didn’t want to tell you this…” I started with a guilty look on my face. “Malcolm told me that Greta broke the doll’s head a few days ago. She was angry and terrified after a nightmare and threw it onto the table. But she felt too guilty and she fixed it. Malcolm helped him.”

“Why didn’t you want to tell us that, Alison?”

“Because I didn’t want to get Greta into any trouble, she has enough things to worry about anyway.” I said.

 

“Thank you for your time, Miss Heikki, you were very helpful.” Said the grey-haired policeman when I walked them outside of the huge entrance door.

“Thank you.” The younger officer nodded as well while he was putting Greta’s suitcases into the trunk of the police car.

“Goodbye, Miss Heikki.”

“Goodbye and thank you.” I said and closed the heavy door behind the policemen.

I leaned against the door with my back and slipped into a squatting position burying my head in my hands.

“Fuck.” I said loudly as I heard the car doors slamming and the buzzer sound of the police car leaving. “What have I done…?”


	7. A Feverish Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter for you, I think it turned out to be quite good. I hope you like it as well but either way feedback is appreciated. :)
> 
> Leave kudos if you want to and you haven't already, they make me soooo happy. :D

The sun had already gone down and I was still sitting in the same position, leaning against the wooden entrance door, gazing in front of me intently. My body was screaming for a long, deep sleep. I did so much in only a few hours. I washed the dead guy’s blood out of the carpet, I covered the hole in the wall by moving a shelf against it. I covered and cleaned up all the signs of something unusual happening here. The worst part was hiding the body. My stomach made a strong turn as I remembered how we rolled the dead guy into a sheet and placed it into the giant freezer in the kitchen. I didn’t want to think about that it was in there and we still needed to take care of it later.

I was incredibly tired but my brain couldn’t stop. I simply wasn’t able to process what I had done. I lied to the policemen, I misled the police. That was a criminal offense on its own but I also helped cover a murder.

For a mentally unstable, dangerous guy that I met a few hours ago.

He wouldn’t have had to go to jail probably, they would’ve taken him into a mental hospital only. But if they ever find out the truth I sure have to go to jail.

I became a criminal.

 _“Why the hell did I do this to myself?”_ I asked desperately.

Then I remembered the terror and shame in Brahms’ eyes as he was trying to cover his burnt face from me. I remembered the way he was looking at me when I was washing his face, like no one ever touched it since he got burnt, moreover, no one showed any kindness towards him for a very long time. And that pissed me off very much.

 _“I couldn’t let them take him to a psychiatry, he didn’t deserve to be locked up in a place like that.”_ I thought while I was slowly circling my thumb around the tiny tattoo on my left wrist. My stomach turned again as the thought of a mental institute popped up in my mind. No, he definitely wouldn’t deserve to be there. He would be even better here on his own, forever lonely than in a place like that.

I made the right decision, even if I became a bad person by it. I felt guilty because of Greta and Malcolm as I basically convinced the policemen that they were insane. But I found Greta’s passport while I was packing her things and realized she was American. She can just travel back to the US, she can also take Malcolm with her. They can let go of what happened in the UK and start living their lives in peace there, together.

I didn’t blame Greta for stabbing Brahms though. I didn’t know the whole story of hers but I could imagine that she got terrified of him since everything must’ve happened so fast. Also, Brahms hit Malcolm on the head and Malcolm must’ve been close to Greta, probably I would’ve freaked out too if I were in her place.

But I wasn’t and I wasn’t her.

I heard my stomach growl and I reminded myself that all I had eaten was a granola bar in a day now. I forced myself to stand up, walk into the kitchen and make a sandwich for myself. I remembered again what was in the freezer so I decided to eat it in the living room.

As I finished I started to wonder where Brahms was. I knew he had been watching Greta’s every move while she was living here so I assumed he would’ve been listening to my conversation with the policemen as well. I expected him to come out after they left but he didn’t. I felt like I was alone in an empty house.

“Brahms?” I said, still expecting him to hear me.

“Brahms!” I called his name louder. “I know you’re here somewhere! Don’t you want to come out? I should check your wound!”

I got no answer.

He didn’t talk about his hiding place - he didn’t talk too much in general – although I figured he was somehow hiding in the walls since we had to cover the giant hole in it. I walked to the shelf that we had placed against the hole before. I tried to push it away but I wasn’t strong enough. Obviously Brahms had helped me moving it, so he did with the body. He shouldn’t have lifted heavy objects because of his wound but I couldn’t do it on my own. I leaned my forehead and palms against the shelf and breathed in heavily. I was so tired.

Then suddenly I remembered the closet in Greta’s - now my - room.

I hurried upstairs into the bedroom. I walked to the empty closet, opened it and stepped inside of it. I gently pressed its back wall. Nothing happened. I pressed it one more time but with a more intense motion. It finally opened up and I fell through the opening, finding myself inside of the walls.

A musty smell filled my nostrils as my eyes were trying to get used to the darkness. The passage led only one way from the closet so I started to take slow steps forward. It was scary as hell even walking in there, I couldn’t imagine how Brahms could’ve spent his whole life in it.

After the first turn I felt a bit relieved since I saw some flickering lanterns hanging from the walls. After several steps the passage separated into two different ways. Just as I expected. I didn’t think too much which one to take since I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and after an additional few minutes of walking I was perfectly lost in the maze of the walls.

A dark thought started to take over about getting trapped in there and never finding a way out. I started to think that it was a bad idea, a very bad one and I never should’ve gone into the walls. I wanted to find Brahms but at the same time bumping into him in there scared me. It was his “property” and I became an intruder at the exact moment I stepped into the passage without his invitation.

At the next turn I saw something in the darkness. My stomach jumped as I was walking closer to it. It was a metal ladder only going upstairs. Since I had no idea where I was at that point, I decided to climb up wherever it led me. When I got upstairs I realized there were passages divided into two again.

“Seriously?” I asked loudly.

But then I saw something in the wall in front of me which looked like a door. I opened it and I couldn’t believe where I found myself.

I was in a room. It wasn’t too small but it was very crowded with all kinds of stuff that you’d need. I instantly knew that was it that was Brahms’ hiding place, his liar. I felt like an intruder more than ever.

 _“He’ll be furious if he finds me here.”_ I thought, starting to get scared. I touched my right wrist recalling the painful feeling of his harsh squeeze from before.

Then I realized he didn’t need to find me, he was already there as well. He was in the bed next to the bricked wall, sleeping. I froze, almost didn’t dare to breathe, I didn’t dare to make a single sound. Then I figured it would be still better if I warned him I was there looking for him, than the possibility he catches me sneaking out from his lair.

“Brahms?” I called his name in a weak voice. He didn’t wake up, nor did he move. I took a few steps closer to the bed.

“Brahms?” I repeated in a louder voice, expecting him to jump but yet he didn’t wake up.

I walked closer, stopped right next to his bed. I saw his chest move up and down in the half-light. Then I noticed his forehead was glittering from sweat. I sat on the edge of the bed right next to him and put my hand on his forehead, sensing something wasn’t right. And I wasn’t mistaken, he was burning up with fever.

“Shit!” I said anxiously.

He partly opened his eyes as he felt my touch.

“Alison?” He asked in a lifeless voice.

“Yes, it’s me.” I answered and reached for the grey blanket to pull it away from him.

“Please, don’t! I feel so cold.” He said in a shaky voice.

“Sorry Brahms, I need to check your wound.” I said as I pulled up his shirt and lifted up the bandage. It looked inflamed but it wasn’t that bad as I expected from his fever. The skin was red but it didn’t look infected. I took the bandage back and tucked Brahms in with the blanket.

“I’ll be back.” I promised and left the room.

I needed to bring the first aid kit and some medicine. I was scared I couldn’t find my way back through the walls but in some miracles way I did.

 

I cleaned his wound once again and put cold, wet towels on his forehead, his wrists and his ankles. That’s what my mom used to do to me when I got high fever as a kid. I went to the small sink and poured cold water into a glass, then I sat back on the bed.

“You need to drink.” I said. He looked at me with slightly opened eyes as I slid one hand under his head. I felt how his hair was completely wet from sweating. I gently lifted his head up and brought the edge of the glass to his mouth, making him take sips from the water. I also gave him some anti-inflammation drugs after.

I was just sitting there quietly after that and wet the towels with cold water every time they warmed up. I didn’t understand the reason he had fever so high since his wound didn’t look infected. The only thing I could think of was the emotional stress and exhaustion intensified the effect of the physical injury. That could’ve been a valid reason I guess since I felt like collapsing myself as well.

I suddenly felt teardrops roll down on my face. I wiped them away with my hand. I was exhausted and still didn’t believe that I became a criminal, a bad girl. That’s not how I was raised by my parents and I felt unbelievably guilty. I started looking around with my eyes to find some tissues but I couldn’t find any.

Besides the lamp, the only thing on the nightstand was a letter. I remembered Brahms telling me that his parents told him they’d never come back in a letter. Was it the same letter? I took it in my hand after I checked Brahms’ breathing. It was slow and calm which meant he was sleeping.

 

_“Our Dearest Son,_

_Words cannot describe our heartbreak as we leave you now._

_We will not be back. We simply cannot bear to live with what we have allowed you to become._

_The girl is yours now. She is yours to love and take care for._

_May God forgive us all._

_Love always,_

_Mummy and Daddy”_

 

I quickly placed the letter back where I found it. There were more than one point that I found sinister in it.

“ _We simply cannot bear to live with what we have allowed you to become.”_ Does this mean… They killed themselves? Or they simply left somewhere far? I realized the reason they had been looking for a nanny was that they wanted to leave for good. _But suicide would be too much._

 _“Why?”_ I started thinking. _“Did they mean that Brahms acted like he was still a little child? Or is it something else I don’t know? Probably there’s a lot I don’t know but… Is he really that unbearable that his own parents couldn’t handle living with him?”_

 _“The girl is yours now.”_ I didn’t like that part either. How could they embrace him to owe another person?

And lastly. “ _May God forgive us all.”_ For what? For owing Greta or was there something much worse? A dark, twisted thought crossed my mind about Greta being a gift for Brahms but it was such a disturbing thought it made my stomach turn around.

_“Should I be more scared of him? Should I be scared of him in a way I haven’t really thought of yet?”_

He promised he wouldn’t hurt me if I don’t try to hurt him first. He said he wouldn’t have hurt Greta either.

I couldn’t do this anymore. My body was so exhausted that I needed a few hours of sleep right away. I decided I go back to my room and sleep a little then I come back and check on Brahms. And that was exactly what I did.

Before I fell asleep on my bed, I was still thinking about the way Brahms might have interpreted the word “hurting”.


	8. What’s In His Mind?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the last two long chapters here’s a shorter one.  
> I’ve already written the next ones and I promise some more exciting happenings are on the way. :) Enjoy.

The next day I woke up late in the morning. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I was still tired, but I needed to check on Brahms. I didn’t even bother changing my clothes for pyjamas in the evening, I just fell asleep in my jeans and t-shirt on top of the bed in the room that used to belong to Greta. I quickly changed my shirt for a clean one, put on a grey sweater and washed my face with cold water to wake up my system. I wasn’t happy about going back into the walls and to the lair but I had to, so I just did.

I expected to find Brahms sleeping in his bed so I opened the hidden room’s door without knocking.

“Oh… Hello.” I said in a confused voice. He wasn’t sleeping at all. He was sitting on his bed, now looking at me. I figured my timing was kind of bad since he was half naked, only wearing pants. As I could see he removed the bandage as well. There was a bottle of medical alcohol and some other tools for treating an injury on the nightstand. Some of them were mine, some of them weren’t.

I noticed the letter was gone.

It didn’t matter I spent the whole previous evening in there sitting on his bed, now I felt like an intruder again and I didn’t dare to go closer or make any move at all.

“You came back.” He said silently. I saw surprise on his face that he saw me standing in front of the door.

“You feel better I suppose.” I noted.

He nodded. I didn’t know what to say or what to do, I felt confused and embarrassed.

“So, see you later.” I said and reached for door.

“Where are you going, Ali?” He asked and I realized the child voice was back again.

I turned back.

“You seem much better so you are fine on your own, aren’t you?” I asked with a confused voice. He seemed like he could take care of his injury quite well on his own since he wasn’t almost unconscious like the previous evening.

“Please, don’t leave.” He said.

“Okay, fine.” I said with a weak smile, pretending a shiver didn’t just run down my spine from that creepy child voice.

I walked closer to him and stopped next to the nightstand.

“Would you please lie down so I can check your wound?” I asked.

Brahms did as I asked and lay down while keeping his green, doll eyes on mine and rested his head on his white pillow. I sat on the edge of the bed, the same spot I was sitting the day before.

The whole situation felt weird that I was in the creepy lair in the walls with Brahms while he was fully conscious, not being in an emergency situation like he was the before.

“It’s still a bit red and inflamed around the wound, but it looks better and I can’t see any sign of infection.” I claimed in a neutral voice. “Have you already disinfected it?”

He shook his head so I did it for him and put some clean bandage on his injured part while he was fixating between my moves and my eyes with his green ones. It was obvious for me that now he felt better he would’ve been capable of taking care of his injury on his own but he liked being taken care of by me.

“You still need to take anti-inflammation drugs and need to rest most of the day, okay?” I asked after I finished.

He nodded.

“So…” I started as I stood up from the bed. “I better keep going and make some breakfast for us. See you in the dining room.”

“Um…” I suddenly turned back to Brahms again, with an embarrassed smile on my face. “Can I use the ingredients and tools I find in the kitchen?” I asked.

I surely made a deal with Brahms about staying with him but it still felt unpleasant that I’d eat someone else's food I didn’t work for and use their stuff that didn’t belong to me.

He nodded with a confused look on his face like he didn’t expect me to ask that.

“Thanks.” I said and left the room, disappearing in the brick maze once again.

*

Breakfast was kind of odd. We were sitting in the dining room, in front of each other at the giant dining table and he was staring at me the whole time while we were eating. We didn’t talk to each other, an awkward silence was sitting on the room, leaving the sound of our chewing as the only noise in the large place. I didn’t dare to look at Brahms so I was fixating my porridge, pretending I was eating alone, although I felt his eyes on me instantly. I was wondering when the last time could’ve been when he had a meal face to face with an actual person.

“Did you like it?” I asked pointing to his empty plate after we finished eating.

He nodded while he was still looking into my eyes.

“I’m gonna go wash these.” I stood up taking the plates and walked back to the kitchen. I placed the white, wide-rimmed plates in the sink and started washing them. I saw the huge freezer from the corner of my eyes and it brought back the memory of hiding the dead guy in it. I felt how my anxiety grew so I tried to get the picture out of my head. I dried the plates with a dish towel and placed them back into the kitchen cabinet above the sink.

Then I turned around and bumped into Brahms.

_“Was he standing behind me the whole time? How come I didn’t notice he was there?”_ I asked myself.

He didn’t flinch, he didn’t even move, he was only staring at me with his glazed eyes. It felt intimidating but I couldn’t flinch either, I was stuck between him and the kitchen counter.

I realized he was tall before but that was the first time we were standing this close to each other and the top of my head didn’t even reach his shoulders. I looked up at him. His eyes were wondering over my face like he was seeing something interesting for the first time. I believed he didn’t see too many people from this close since he had been hiding in the walls for 25 years. He looked like he was waiting for something.

_“Is he waiting for me to tell him what to do next?”_ I wondered. I reminded myself he was mostly a child in his head as far as I knew.

“So, you should lie down and rest.” I told him. He didn’t say anything, nor did he move, he was still looking at me with wondering eyes. “I mean, you were stabbed only two days ago, I don’t think you should do anything else than resting for a few days at least. It’s not a scratch that heals in a day.”

He clearly hesitated. He looked pale with dark circles under his eyes, he was visibly weak and tired.

“I won’t leave you. We made a deal, remember?” I asked after I realized he didn’t trust me.

Only a few seconds passed, although it felt like hours when he finally nodded and turned around, then walked away from the kitchen without saying a word. I figured he was going back into his room inside the walls.

I started to wonder what might have been going on in his head, how did everything that had been happening affect him psychologically. As far as I knew nobody else had known he had been alive except his parents. I bet he didn’t have any intercourse with his parents though, maybe they had been communicating indirectly through the Brahms doll. But if that was true that would mean he had absolutely no idea about interacting with other human beings face to face. _Not at all._

I suddenly remembered how something caught my eyes the other day while I was sitting on his bed in his hidden bedroom. He had tons of books, they were basically everywhere in the lair.

_“He probably likes reading and has read lots of books during the years.”_ I thought. _“So most of the things he knew about the outside world and about human connections he must have learned from those books. “_

_I wish I had a closer look at those books to study what kind of stories he reads.”_ I wished, hoping Brahms didn’t have access to any “Fifty Shades of Grey” type of literature.

I let out a silent, desperate chuckle over my own sarcastic joke and left the kitchen.


	9. The Rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's Chapter 9.
> 
> What can I say? Alison finds the doll much creepier than the real Brahms. But you'll see. Enjoy. :D

I spent the next few hours settling in my new bedroom. I didn’t have much stuff so in reality I unpacked my things in an hour, the rest of the time I used for thinking how my world changed upside down in only a two days.

Later in the afternoon I decided to cook something for lunch. Or dinner… My system was completely confused and out of track because of the two days without enough sleep and eating regularly.

I hadn’t seen Brahms since breakfast but I didn’t mind at all. I’d been thinking about him a lot but I got to the point where I wasn’t sure what to do with him. When I promised him I would stay, I told him I’d take care of him but I meant taking care of his wound and stuff he couldn’t do by himself until he recovers.

Okay, I guessed that he had some special needs too since he was a child in some way and needed a nanny even, but I started to believe he needed more guidance than I thought. In the morning when I visited him in the walls, I realized he would’ve been capable of treating his wound by himself, he even started doing it but when he saw me there he wanted me to do it instead. And after breakfast he was waiting for me to tell him what to do. I sure needed to keep up and understand what that was he wanted from me. I haven’t decided yet how long I was going to stay there in the manor with him but for that time we still needed to get along with each other and I needed to find out how.

After I ate some of the meal I prepared, I was about to go upstairs and lie down a little. As I reached the highest floor, I suddenly heard creaking sounds coming from the walls. And then footsteps…

It sure was creepy as hell even if I knew it was Brahms. I leaned onto the wall in the hall, pressing my right ear on it while following the footsteps. But then it was silence again.

I frowned as I convinced myself Brahms wasn’t around anymore but then like he came out of nowhere, he stepped outside from his old bedroom, the one that belonged to the doll.

“That was pretty impressive.” I jumped, holding my hands over my heart like I was trying to stop it from breaking out of my chest.

Brahms’ facial expression looked confused, he probably didn’t understand why I said that since it was an everyday thing to him. He was holding my first aid kit that I left in his hidden room.

“Will you take care of my wound, Alison?” He asked with a childish voice. It wasn’t the creepiest child voice I heard him talking in before, it was more like a man trying to talk as a child. But it was still creepy enough anyway.

“I’ll check on it, let’s go to the bathroom.” I suggested. “How are you feeling?” I asked him while we were walking to the bathroom.

“Better.” He answered with a thick British accent. “Those medicines made wonders.”

“Good.” I smiled.

“Okay Brahms, I think you might need to sit here.” I said while moving the chair I found in the bathroom next to the bathtub. “And I sit here.” There was only one chair in there so I decided to sit on the edge of the bathtub.

Brahms sat down on the chair, partly facing me that I could reach his injured part. I noticed he had changed his clothes, he even smelled better and looked cleaner. Although I assumed he still hadn’t taken a proper shower which I had to admit was a wise choice since he had a hole in his flash and water could’ve slowed down the healing process. I wanted to put him in the bath since the first time we met to be honest, but I knew it wasn’t possible because of that wound.

He pulled up the black knitted sweater he was wearing, freeing his stomach while he was constantly searching for my eyes with his.

I did as always, I cleaned his wound, put a thick layer of cream which can be used for treating open wounds and put a clean bandage over it. Brahms seemed satisfied with the result as he was staring at me with adoration in his eyes. The last time I got that look was when I was babysitting a seven year old and I told him the “best bedtime story ever” as he mentioned later to his mother.

“You’re so good at this, Ali.” Brahms said.

“You could’ve done it by yourself as well, it’s easy.”

“But it’s better if you do it.” He answered with an innocent look on his face.

I sent him a smile as we both stood up from our sitting places. I felt how frustration was rising in me and I didn’t know how to handle the situation or how to handle Brahms.

“So I guess we’re done here.” I said and rushed to the bathroom door.

But Brahms reached to my arm and grabbed it, then pulled me back to him uncomfortably close still holding my arm.

“What’s the rush, Alison?” He asked slowly. “Is something wrong?” He was looking into my eyes, his stare was so deep that it make me think he was trying to look into my soul.

“It’s nothing.” I answered. My heart was beating fast, I automatically felt threatened by his gesture. I tried to calm myself down, telling myself he didn’t know how to act around another person and he didn’t want to hurt me.

“You seem anxious.” He said with an emotionless facial expression while he was wondering around my face with his doll like eyes.

“I _am_ anxious.” I started in a much more annoyed tone than I intended to, making Brahms’ eyes narrow. “I’m not quite sure what you want from me, Brahms.”

He looked me in the eyes, then his green ones started to wonder all over my face, still holding my arm. I’d never been a person who felt good about others touching me, I preferred keeping my personal space only for myself and the few people I was close to. No wonder I felt frustrated about Brahms holding his face and his whole body that close to mine.

He cocked his head and he suddenly let go of me. For my biggest surprise he left the bathroom without saying a word, leaving me there in silence.

 _“Did I say something wrong? Did I make him angry?”_ I wondered as I remembered how his reactions changed in a heartbeat from tender to threatening two days ago when I accidentally pissed him off by smiling at Greta’s betrayal.

I went out to the hall but I couldn’t see Brahms there.

 _“He probably went back to into the walls.”_ I thought as I walked into my bedroom.

I sat on the large bed. I realized I still hadn’t changed Greta’s sheets since I slept on the top of the bed last night, so I decided to do it then.

 

When I finished there was dark outside and I started to get sleepy again. I went to the bathroom to take a shower finally. Feeling the hot water running down on my body calmed my nerves a little. I took it slow, enjoying every moment of it since the last day I only took a shower in a crazy rush before the policemen arrived.

After I finished, dried my hair and put on my grey sweatpants with a dark blue, long sleeved t-shirt, I walked back into my room in a much better mood, not expecting the view that welcomed me there.

I jumped and I felt like my heart jumped with me too as I saw that the Brahms doll was sitting on my bed, facing me. I froze and got creeped out from the glazed eyes staring at me, for a minute I even felt like I was a character from a stupid horror movie with a haunted doll as the villain.

Although, in reality, I knew it was the real Brahms who put it there.

 _“Is he trying to scare me?”_ I asked myself angrily as I realized there were some kind of papers next to the doll.

I walked closer to the bed and took the papers in my hand. One of them was a list of rules.

  1. _No Guests_
  2. _Never Leave Brahms Alone_
  3. _Save Meals in Freezer_
  4. _Never Cover Brahms Face_
  5. _Read a Bedtime Story_
  6. _Play Music Loud_
  7. _Clean the Traps_
  8. _Only Malcolm Brings Deliveries_
  9. _Brahms is Never to Leave_
  10. _Kiss Goodnight_



The other paper was a schedule, a pretty strict one.

 _“So this is it? This is the way Brahms has been living?”_ I wondered.

It explained a lot though. The rules were probably for Greta to follow, and now for me.

 _“Save meals in freezer.”_ I read. _“That’s how he had access to food, he had been eating the saved, frozen meals.”_ Well, the freezer was obviously a forbidden zone for now since there was a body in it.

Not like Brahms needed to hide anymore and pretend he only existed through that silly doll.

 _“He doesn’t expect me to follow the schedule with the doll, does he?”_ I asked myself. Well, he placed the doll there as well, that meant that was exactly what he wanted me to do.

I turned my eyes on the doll’s fixed, porcelain face wondering over the dark cracks on it, the spots it had been shattered into tiny little pieces. Until Brahms stack them together again.

“Hell, no.” I said firmly as I rushed outside from my room with determined steps.

“Brahms!” I shouted. “Brahms, I know you can hear me, I need to talk to you right now!”

I assumed he was watching me and my reaction of finding the doll with the list and I was right because it only took less than a minute for him to come out from the walls. Again, he was walking out from his childhood room.

He had a confused and even scared look on his face, he couldn’t imagine why I was freaking out.

“No.” I said as I looked him in the eyes. He looked even more confused. “I found your message and no, I won’t do it. I won’t take care of the doll.”


	10. Flesh and Blood over Porcelain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is an exciting chapter and probably my favorite so far. It’s an important turning point in both of the characters’ development. I’m so excited to share with you all.
> 
> You’re free to give me kudos if you like the story and you haven’t already. It makes me so happy. :)

Brahms’ eyes suddenly got a dark, frightening shade to them.

I knew I might had been playing with fire but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to play that twisted psycho game with him, taking care of the doll and pretending he didn’t exist when I knew he was there alive, watching my every step from the walls. It just wasn’t right.

He took a few steps closer and stopped around three feet from me.

“We made a deal. You wouldn’t want to break our deal, would you, Alison?” He asked giving me the shivers.

I needed to pull myself together in my mind to stay strong and not to break no matter what. I forced myself not to break the eye contact even if I wanted to and tried to sound as confident as it was possible.

“We made a deal about me staying and taking care of you, Brahms. _You_ , not the doll.” I said.

I saw honest surprise on his face like he couldn’t decide whether it was a rejection or a compliment.

“I know you’re alive, we are standing here face to face right now, why would we communicate through the doll?” I asked.

He seemed confused and conflicted. Shocked even. He was wondering over my face with eyes like he was looking for some kind of a trap.

“Do you want to trick me, Alison?” He whispered between his teeth. “Do you want to stab me as well?”

“No, Brahms.” I answered. “I saved you, remember?”

“Why would I want to stab you if I were the one who saved you? I’m the one who’s been treating your wound.” I added because he didn’t say anything.

“Just follow the rules with my doll self and I’ll be good to you.” He said slowly, looking at me without blinking like he was scared if he missed a second, he would’ve found a screwdriver in his stomach again.

_Was that a threat?_ I was scared, he was big and strong and clearly had some anger issues but I couldn’t break. I needed to set down my own rules at the beginning as well.

“No.” I said firmly but on the inside I was shaking. “If I wanted to hurt you I would’ve already, I got opportunities when I was treating your wound. You did trust me then. What’s changed?”

I saw a familiar look on his face and I immediately realized when I saw it. He looked at me with the same shame in his eyes when he’d tried to cover his scars with his arms from me when we first met.

“I’m not scared of you, Brahms. Your face doesn’t scare me.” I said silently, almost whispered as I walked a step closer to him.

“You’re lying. Everyone is scared of me.” He said between his teeth.  “ _She_ was too. She liked taking care of me through the doll and when she saw _this_ , she tricked me and look what happened.”

When he said “this” he didn’t just point to his scarred face, he pointed to his whole body. I understood from that gesture that his parents must had been scared of him as he was growing up, becoming a man. They wanted him to stay a little boy forever. And he believed Greta was scared of his manly looks too.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Brahms.” I said as I slowly reached out for his arms to comfort him. “You deserve love just like everyone else. You don’t need to hide from me and live in the walls.” I whispered as my hand finally reached his arm.

He was standing there shocked, frozen, his green eyes widened while he was gasping. I saw fear in his eyes as I slowly moved my hand from his right arm to the unharmed right side of his face.

He winced when I reached it.

“A porcelain face can look flawless… But it’s hard, cold and lack of any emotions. Simply not real.” I said silently. “The real face you have might not be perfect but at least it’s real flesh and blood. It’s better with all the flaws because you can touch it, feel it… Not like a shiny but fake porcelain.”

I was holding his face in my hand, slowly circling with my thumb on his unharmed, soft skin and rough beard.

He closed his eyes, let out a sigh and pressed his face against my palm so he could feel my touch harder.

“You see, Brahms? Doesn’t it feel better than hiding in the walls?” I said gently.

“We can be friends.” I said a few second later but it seemed to be a mistake.

His eyes suddenly popped up and after that everything happened so fast I couldn’t even realize first what was going on.

I felt a sharp pain on the back of my head as I landed on the floor with Brahms on top of me. I lost my ability to see for a few seconds from hitting my head on the floor as he pushed me but when I gained it back I saw Brahms growling into my face with rage burning in his eyes. He was sitting on my crotch while holding my wrists in iron gaps, pushing them to the ground.

“Stop it!” I screamed while I was looking straight into his eyes. I felt dizzy from the hit but I tried not to panic and sound as demanding as I was capable of. “You promised you wouldn’t hurt me unless I hurt you first and I didn’t. So stop it right now!”

It felt like ages until a spark of panic appeared in his eyes as the realization hit him about what he was doing.

He suddenly let go of me, kneed up over me with shaky breathing, then stood up and literally ran away. He didn’t go back into the walls, he ran downstairs and from the heavy, creaking sound I assumed he left the house through the large entrance door.

I was lying in the same position on the floor for at least ten minutes until I was able to calm myself down. I slowly stood up, still feeling dizzy as I checked the back of my head. I couldn’t feel any blood which was a good sign. Fortunately a long carpet was covering the floor in the hall so I didn’t hit my head as hard as I could have on a different material.

I walked downstairs to the kitchen and opened up the freezer. I saw the white sheets in it that was covering the dead guy but I ignored it, I just couldn’t deal with the guilt besides the head ache and the tons of other emotions I felt. I took some frozen vegetables and closed the top of the freezer again.

I dragged myself into the living room and lay down on the same giant couch I had a nice few hours of sleep on before the cops made a visit. Before all my lies started. The lies that led here.

I held the frozen vegetables onto the back of my head while tears were leaking from my eyes. This time I didn’t hold them back though like I did back in the lair last evening.

I’d been expecting for something similar to happen. I knew Brahms was dangerous, I knew he had a giant amount of suppressed emotions and frustrations. He was like a ticking bomb ready to explode any time in my hands.

I knew it all and I still chose to stay with him.

_What’s wrong with me?_

I was wondering with my eyes over the tiny tattoo shaping a number “2” on my wrist while I was thinking desperately.

I didn’t understand my reasons. _Was I really that bored with my life? Did I really need this?_

I felt lucky I got away with a bump on the back of my head, it could’ve ended so much worse. He didn’t hit me or tried to hurt me intentionally but he did push me to the ground, accidentally causing my head to bump into the floor hard.

_I know he’s like a ticking bomb but what did make him explode like this? He seemed to like when I was touching his face and then bum… It all happened after I said that we could be friends. Isn’t that what he wants? Being friends? I don’t understand how that sentence triggered him in such an intense way._

I kept thinking about what Brahms might have thought, until I fell asleep on the couch.

*

A feeling of someone watching me woke me up. I had a headache and needed a few blinks to get used to visibility again. The first thing I saw in the half-light was Brahms’ face only inches away from mine, those dollish green eyes on me. They seemed red and wet. _Wait… Was he… Crying? No way…_

He was sitting on the floor right next to the couch. He quickly wiped his eyes with his hand what confirmed my guess that he had been crying or at least fighting against his tears.

He was staring at me with the guiltiest look on his face I’d ever seen in my life. He was holding his lips clenched and his chin low, while looking up at me with guilty eyes. He looked like a child who did something wrong and was reprimanded hard by his parents.

“Sorry.” He said in a silent, high-pitched man voice he sometimes used when he was trying to imitate a child voice but didn’t succeed from some reason.

“You could have killed me, Brahms.” I said in a cold voice. “Look what you did to me. I could have easily hit my head in a way that kills me. I’d be dead right now then.”

He clenched his lips and lowered his head even more but it wasn’t enough for me.

“You promised you would never hurt me. Why would you break your promise like that?” I continued.

“I didn’t mean to...” He said weakly, still fixating the floor with his eyes.

“This cannot happen again, do you understand me?” I asked in a cold voice. Brahms nodded, still keeping his head low.

“We need to create a new rule about never hurting each other physically.” I continued. “A new rule which cannot be broken, no matter what. What do you think?”

He nodded.

“Okay…” I said after a few minutes of silence. “You’re forgiven. But do not ever try to do that again.”

He finally looked at me with guilty but surprised and widened eyes because I told him I’d forgive him.

I was scared of him but deep inside I couldn’t let it go. It reminded me of every single difficult situation I had been in my life, the more difficult and unsolvable it seemed, the more I wanted to find the solution and work it through.

It wasn’t different this time either. I wanted to solve him, I wanted to solve Brahms.

I might have been a crazy person but there was a burning desire in me to understand the way this guy’s mind worked and I couldn’t let it go, even if it was dangerous. My parents and friends used to say all the time how my stubbornness and curiosity will be my death one day. Maybe they were right.

I slowly sat up on the couch, trying to ignore the pulsating pain in my head.

“Come, sit here.” I told Brahms pointing to the couch.

He sat down next to me.

“Alison...” He said in shaky voice with the sad, guilty look on his face.

“It’s okay now, Brahms.” I said silently and slowly reached for him, placing my hand on his and gently squeezing it. The skin of his hand was so much softer than I expected as I slowly started to write small circles with my thumb on his hand to comfort him.

He looked at me again and then all of a sudden he moved so close to me that our bodies were touching, placing his head on my chest.

I hugged him close to me as I removed a golden brown leaf from his hair which probably had stuck into his curls while he was outside in the forest.

I was hugging and holding him, caressing his wide back with one hand and stroking his hair with the other one.

That was the first time I touched his hair. Just like his hand, I expected it to be rougher. I kept playing with his soft curls, I held a lock of hair between my fingers and straightened it by stroking it and then let it go. I smiled gently as it curled back up to its original form.

A strange, warm feeling was erupting in my stomach but I didn’t exactly understand what that was. A part of me understood how odd the whole situation was. I honestly never liked people hugging me except a few ones. And now there I was in the middle of nowhere, in a spooky manor, with a dangerous guy who didn’t quite understand he was a grown up man and who was practically a stranger to me, pressing his face against my chest, hugging me.

But somehow deep inside it felt right. And I didn’t mean I felt sorry for Brahms and I wanted to help him. No. It was something else that I couldn’t explain yet. Like… I was exactly where I was meant to be.

I took a deep breath.

_“It won’t be an easy journey but so be it. I’m going to try raising him up, making him a decent grown up man and teach him how to survive in the outer world.”_ I thought while I kept playing with his soft hair.


	11. Goodnight Brahms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what so say about this chapter, I hope you'll like it.
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments, it means a lot to me.
> 
> As always, any kind of feedback will be appreciated.
> 
> Enjoy!:)

I didn’t know how long we had been sitting there silently on the couch, Brahms’ head resting on my chest, my arms around him and the top of his messy curls tickling my chin. I couldn’t see his face but his breathing was slow and calm.

After a while he moved his head away from me slowly, catching my eyes with his. He still looked guilty but there was a new tint in his eyes that I couldn’t identify.

“I’ll follow your rules if that’s what you want.” I said after a few minutes staring at each other. “But I need you to trust me. It won’t work unless you learn how to trust me.”

He didn’t answer, he was just staring at me, still with sad eyes.

“Please, say something.” I said in a gentle voice.                                                

I saw that he hesitated, like he was scared that speaking would have caused him some kind of pain. I didn’t like that he didn’t answer my questions and didn’t talk for the most of the time, although I understood he wasn’t used to face to face interactions with people.

“I’ll try.” He finally said in a childish voice. It wasn’t the believable, awful child voice, it was just a man would talk in a childish voice.

Suddenly a growling sound broke the silence that was sitting between us and I had to realize that was my stomach, warning me about the importance of such boring and inferior stuff like eating.

“I think I’m a little hungry.” I said. “Actually, I’m starving.” I admitted.

Brahms’ face brightened up with a spark in his eyes which I could only describe as enthusiasm. He stood up and walked to the tiny and short table next to the living room’s window. I couldn’t imagine what he was up to.

He turned back to me, holding a big, metal edged trey with a single white plate on it. I didn’t realize that had been there the whole time since I woke up.

He sat back on the couch and handed me the trey with anticipation in his eyes.

“Oh. Did you make these for me?’ I asked as I turned my eyes on the sandwiches on the plate, taking the trey into my hands.

He nodded with a tiny little smile under his beard.

“Thank you.” I said and put the trey down on the couch between us.

“Have you eaten?” I asked Brahms.

He shook his head.

“We can share, it’s quite a lot.” I offered and reached for a sandwich.

Brahms seemingly took my offer and did the same.

We had been eating quietly for a while, Brahms was constantly staring at me like he did so during breakfast.

I decided to break the silence.

“I know this must be hard for you, Brahms.” I started in a careful tone.

I noticed that his eyes narrowed a little right away.

“I mean, me being here, talking to you face to face, keeping an eye contact…” I wasn’t out of my mind, I didn’t intend to cross the line again, it had been enough excitement for one day. But we had to clear a few things up yet. “It must be way too much for you for now so I understand if you had enough of me and my face and you want to spend time alone.”

“I still want you out of the walls, that’s not the reason I’m telling you this.” I explained, trying to avoid him thinking I changed my mind and wanted him to go back into the walls forever.

“I couldn’t get enough of your face, Alison.” He said as he started to wonder over my face with his eyes.

_Whoa, I didn’t expect that coming._

“Is my face interesting to you?” I asked with a small smile.

“Yes.” He said after hesitating a few moments. “It’s flawless.”

“Thanks, I guess.” I said in a confused voice.

I believed he meant I didn’t have scars on it like him as he tried to compare my face to his.

We were staring at each other again for a minute until I broke the silence one more time.

“I have an idea.” I said.

Brahms’ eyes widened a little as he was interested in what I wanted to say.

“I know it’s a bit too much for you, Brahms and that’s okay. Please, don’t be angry again but I still don’t want to take care of the doll.” His face mildly twitched but I continued. “And since you definitely need to rest a lot until you recover, I was thinking we could do one thing together every day. Face to face, of course. Later when you’re ready we can add more from the schedule. What do you think?”

He was clearly considering my idea, although he was looking deeply in my eyes like he was trying to find the funny business behind my offer.

“That sounds fair.” He said finally. My lips automatically formed into a smile when I heard his strong British accent. I found it cool in some way.

 

“How’s your belly?” I asked after we finished our sandwiches.

“It hurts.” He answered in his childish voice.

I wasn’t surprised after he’d pushed me, run down on the stairs and had been wandering in the woods for hours.

“Come on.”  I said as I reached my hand to his after standing up.

He looked at my hand, then looked me in the eyes. Then he finally took my hand, following me upstairs.

I led him into the bathroom again and we sat in the same position on the edge of the bathtub as earlier that day. Brahms did the same.

His wound was a bit bloody again but it still wasn’t infected. I treated it the same way as usual and also gave him the same medicine for the pain and inflammation than before.

 

It was late night and we both were tired. I wanted to lie down on my bed this time properly in pyjamas and under the covers. Brahms looked exhausted as well and he obviously still was in pain because of his wound.

We were standing at my bedroom’s door.

“So good night, Brahms. See you tomorrow. I’ll be here so you’ll find me in the house when you’re ready, I suppose.” I said.

He nodded but didn’t move. I didn’t understand. _Is he waiting for me to go inside my room and close the door behind me?_

I sent him a weak smile as I turned around and stepped towards my door. But I suddenly felt Brahms’ grabbing me by my upper arm and mildly pulling me back towards him. My heart started to beat faster as I had no idea what was going on, what I did wrong this time.

I was facing him, looking up at him while he was still holding my upper arm with one hand.

“What is it?” I asked in a weak voice.

“Kiss…” He said in his shaky, forced childish voice.

_What? What is he talking about? He wants me to kiss him?_

Then the picture of the list of rules popped up in my mind and I realized the last rule was about a goodnight kiss. He wanted a goodnight kiss.

“Kiss...” He said one more time in a more explicit voice with anticipation in his eyes.

_I said I would follow the rules, I just said it._

I knew I had to kiss him goodnight, it wasn’t even a discussion unless I wanted to question the validity of my own words.

I filled the space between us by stepping closer to him. I gently squeezed his biceps with my right hand for support as I stood on tiptoe. I reached for the unharmed, left side of his face with my head and kissed his cheek. His skin felt soft under my lips and it was warm too, although not that hot as the other day when he had high fever.

He closed his eyes, I felt him holding his breath for a few seconds. I reminded myself that this must had been the first time someone kissed his cheeks in years. He mentioned Greta kissing him goodnight before she had stabbed him but I imagined the situation as she gave him a kiss only on his mask.

I slowly moved away from him and he let go of my arm.

“Good night, Brahms.” I said again with a small smile on my face.

“Good night, Ali.” He said calmly.

I turned around, walked into my room and closed the door behind me as I heard Brahms’ footsteps and then a creaking sound which meant he went back into the walls.

The Brahms doll was still sitting on my bed in the same position as it had been sitting when I angrily left the room a few hours earlier.

_“What should I do with do?”_ I asked only in my head since I was a little paranoid that Brahms would hear me if I asked it loud.

I carefully grabbed the doll’s waist and took it outside of my room and sat him on the rocking chair in in its own room. I moved the rocking chair with the doll on it closer to the wall behind the opened door. I didn’t want the creepy doll to be the first thing I see in the morning when I open my bedroom’s door which was placed almost in front of the doll’s room.

I walked back into my room and moved the list of rules and Brahms’ schedule on the commode.

I threw myself on the bed as I let out a sigh. I was lying there on my belly for a while, burying my face in the soft, white covers.

_“What a productive day…”_ I thought with some sarcasm while I was gently touching the back of my head, feeling a tiny but hard bump exactly at the same spot where I hit my head on the floor when Brahms pushed me.

I was so tired, I almost fell asleep again on the top of the bed but then I forced myself to stand up, turn off the lights and climb under the covers, finally allowing myself to sleep comfortably in an actual bed.


	12. Traps, Poetry and a Headstone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say I adore mystery fiction and I love hiding tiny clues in the lines which only make sense later as the story improves. Weather a character does or says something, it can mean more than it seems sometimes. Well, that’s my writing style, I hope you don't find it confusing. :D
> 
> I also like to bring a touch of comedy in darker stories. Or at least I try. :)
> 
> Anyway, kudos and comments make my day for sure and I'm grateful for every single one. :) Enjoy!

I woke up with a headache, the bump on the back of my head still hurt. Sunshine was breaking through the cloudy sky, filling the bedroom with a late morning light. I got out of bed to start my day, although I didn’t have too much to do. My arrival at the Heelshire manor was only less than three days and so much had happened since then, so all I wanted to do was resting. The pain in my head justified my desire for a calm and boring day as well.

After I was finished with my morning routine and changed my pyjamas for light blue ripped jeans and a grey sweater, I walked downstairs to the kitchen and made breakfast.

I put it on two plates, although I wasn’t sure if Brahms showed up for breakfast. I knew I was supposed to put the meals in the freezer for him as it was part of the rules but I wasn’t tend go near the freezer and I thought Brahms wouldn’t want to eat the meals which had been stored next to a dead body. Or at least I hoped he wouldn’t.

I left Brahms’ plate in the kitchen and walked with mine to the dining room. While I was eating my breakfast I was wondering if I could ever get used to eating at that enormous dining-table. _Probably not._

I washed my plate after I finished eating and took the list of rules in my hand. I quickly read it one more time.

_“Clean the Traps.”_ I read. _“Traps? What traps?”_ I wondered.

_“Are they for some kind of animal? Mice, rats, what else could it be for?”_

I took my green jacket and went outside through the back entrance from the kitchen. I thought the traps should be somewhere in the garden area since I didn’t see any sign of traps inside the house.

The fresh scent of the early autumn nature filled my nostrils. The first fallen leaves of the season were gently blown in the air by the soft wind. I was walking through the passageway behind the manor. It was hard to keep my eyes open for the potential traps since the atmosphere of the still mostly green property almost made me forget about everything else. I hadn’t been outside on the fresh air in two days and I enjoyed every moment of my unexpected walk. It felt so good, even my headache relieved.

I was wandering around the property and I even forgot about Brahms and the crazy, dangerous situation I got myself into. I was passing by a creepy sculpture shaping a woman when I noticed the small, grey stone thing on the ground. I walked closer and passed by it to see what it was but then I already surmised what it had to be. It was a headstone. Brahms’ headstone.

“ _BRAHMS_

_1983-1991_

_...he shall not perish,_

_but have everlasting life”_

My reaction to see the headstone was strong and unexpected. A deep sadness sat on my chest as I was anxiously rubbing the tattoo on my left wrist. I definitely didn’t want to see that headstone. A single teardrop rolled down on my cheek. I waited for more but it wasn’t followed by any. I felt a variety of dark emotions wanted to break through but I didn’t allow them. I closed my eyes, swallowed hard, then opened my eyes again and left the headstone without looking back.

It reminded me of something I didn’t want to think of.

 

On my way back to the house I found the traps next to the walls. I went back to the kitchen for a trash bag and came back outside to clean the traps. It wasn’t a pleasant activity to throw the dead rats into the trash bag but I had to follow the rules.

_“Did Brahms make these?”_ I wondered, holding one of the traps in my hands. It was made of woods and had “B.H.” initials carved into its side.

_“B. H. as Brahms Heelshire.”_ I thought.

I remembered how his secret room was crowded with all those hammers, screws, screwdrivers, buttons, different tools and materials you’d need for handiwork. And the doll’s face… When I collected the pieces of the porcelain head, I honestly believed it was impossible to put them together, some of them were so tiny and some of them became almost like dust. But I told Brahms to try to fix it anyway in case the policemen arrive and want to see if the doll was really shattered. But for my biggest surprise, Brahms did it, he fixed the doll exactly as I asked him to do. I was impressed by the great job he did as I was impressed with the traps as well.

 

When I went back inside the kitchen, I realized the breakfast I left for Brahms was gone, his plate was empty. I had an unpleasant feeling that someone was watching me. I shouldn’t have been surprised by the idea that Brahms was watching me from the walls but it was still an odd feeling. I couldn’t do anything about it yet though and I reminded myself that I was the one who chose my fate, I chose to stay even if I knew he had been living in the walls and he had been watching Greta as well.

I checked the list of rules again. Rule number six caught my eyes as it said: _“play music loud”_.

I loved music with all my heart. I passionately loved singing, playing the piano and the guitar. I couldn’t deny that I got a bit excited about the idea Brahms might have had a strong passion for music as well. Finally a common thing in the two of us. I couldn’t imagine though what kind of music Brahms might have liked. Somehow I couldn’t imagine him listening to pop music.

I had already discovered the study room or music room kind of place in the manor so I walked in there. I couldn’t think of another way of playing music in the room except the piano or the old gramophone, standing there. I chose the gramophone so I walked there to turn it on which I succeeded to do after a few minutes of clumsiness.

I jumped as the loud opera hit my ears.

“Holy shit!” I said. “This won’t help my headache.”

I turned down the volume only a little and found something more pleasant to my ears. I chose a slow piano piece.

“Better.” I said in a satisfied voice.

I went to the kitchen after that and cooked lunch.

Again, I put a portion on another plate for Brahms which I left on the kitchen table, then I went to the dining room with my plate. Not long after I started to eat, the feeling of someone was watching me increased, making me quite anxious. I automatically looked around in the dining room with my eyes.

My intuitions didn’t fail me. Brahms was standing in the door, holding his hands behind his back, staring at me.

“Brahms… Instead of staring, you can say hi when you’re around, you know…” I said in a mildly insulted tone. I couldn’t believe how well he had learned to move like a ghost without anyone noticing he was around.

“Do you want to join me for lunch?” I asked.

He nodded and picked up his food in the kitchen. He sat in front of me and of course didn’t stop staring at my face while we were eating.

_During breakfast I was thinking about how I could never get used to eating at such big dining table but could I get used to a pair of green eyes staring at me the whole time I’m eating?_

I found this thought kind of ironic so I made a small smile. Of course Brahms noticed it.

“What’s so funny?” He asked in his normal voice.

“Nothing.” I said. “I just got lost in my thoughts.”

“You do that a lot.” He nodded.

“No, I don’t.” I said as I felt myself blushing.

“Yes, you do.” Brahms didn’t let it go.

“How would you know that? You’ve only known me for three days.” I said.

“That’s enough for me to know, Alison.” He said in a soft tone.

“Because you were watching me through the walls today?” I asked.

“Only a little.” He said with a touch of embarrassment in his voice like he was caught.

“Then you must have seen I tried to follow the rules. I cleaned your traps and played music.” I said.

“I know.” He answered. “What are we going to do face to face today?”

I recognized some excitement in his voice but I felt his tone was careful as he still didn’t trust me entirely.

“Well, I don’t know. What would you like to do, Brahms?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t say something odd.

“Read for me, Alison.” He asked. More like demanded.

“Okay, I can do that.” I said relieved.

_Reading is easy._

 

We walked to the study room after we finished eating and sat at the small table there. Brahms opened a small book with a red, velvet cover and placed it in front of me.

I didn’t like what I saw. It was the poem called “Beowulf” from Anonymous. My eyes instantly caught upon several words I’d never seen in my life and I was pretty sure I didn’t know the right pronunciations.

_“With modern English translation”_ It said under the title.

_Is this modern to them…?_

“Can’t we read something else? Something easier to read.” I asked carefully, trying not to piss Brahms off.

“No, I’d like you to read this one for me.” He insisted.

“You do realize English is not my mother tongue and this poem is full of words that I can’t even read...”

He cocked his head a little and I could have sworn he had a playful look in his eyes as he looked at me.

_Awesome. He’s messing with me._

 

If the new words wouldn’t have been enough, the poem was long as well. When I read the half of it I was literally sweating, my throat was dry and my face was pink from embarrassment. I hated the situation, I hated how silly I must have sounded while I was reading it.

Brahms on the other hand seemingly enjoyed himself which made me even more frustrated. He didn’t laugh or visibly smile, he was just wondering over my face with his doll eyes as usual and his face suspiciously twitched every time I couldn’t read a word properly as his eyes got a bright spark to them, almost like he was smiling with his look. He sometimes corrected me when I simply gave upon a word.

Although the whole reading felt like a slow torture, there was at least one positive result of it. Brahms verbally communicated with me by helping me with the pronunciation. That was definitely on my agenda to make Brahms talk more since he usually answered my questions with nodding or nothing at all.

After I’d fought myself through the whole poem and finished reading, Brahms went back into his lair to lie down. He obviously was still hurting and needed to rest because of his stabbed stomach.

I went back to my room to lie down as well. I didn’t want to fall asleep since it was only afternoon, I only wanted to rest and relieve my reoccurring headache but I couldn’t help it. My eyes became too heavy and I just fell asleep almost right away.


	13. Who Needs Some Comfort?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter which is quite long, I hope you don't find it too boring though.
> 
> !!!!Alison's nightmare will have a great significance a few chapters later!!!! Just sayin'. :D
> 
> Leave kudos and comments if you want to make me smile. Because they do make me smile, I can tell that. :)
> 
> Enjoy! :D

It was already dark outside when I woke up from my afternoon nap. Only a mild headache remained from my migraine but I decided to take it slow and rest in my bed for a while, trying to adjust to the happenings of the previous days.

Later I got up, walked downstairs to the kitchen and microwaved some of the food I cooked earlier. I noticed the plates we ate lunch from were already washed, what made me think Brahms still felt guilty about what he had done to me yesterday. I had to admit I felt some satisfaction.

After I ate, I took a shower, brushed my teeth and put on my pyjamas. I’d mostly preferred to sleep in an oversized t-shirt and panties only but this time I decided to put on some knee length sweatpants as well since I wasn’t alone in the house.

As I walked outside from the bathroom I bumped into Brahms. There was something different about him and I realized what that was right away.

 _His beard was gone._ _He shaved._

I figured he’d done it sometimes since his beard wasn’t that big as a man’s beard who never shaved would’ve been, but it still surprised me somehow. I saw some tiny fresh red wounds on his skin, he must had cut himself with the raiser.

He was wearing dark brown pants, a simple white t-shirt and an old fashioned, knitted, light colored cardigan. And of course the inevitable bare feet which still looked funny with the warm cardigans and sweaters he wore all the time.

I was glad he changed his t-shirt and sweater for clean - or at least cleaner - ones but I didn’t really care about his clothes then. What caught my eyes was his now bare face which I had to admit I found very handsome even with the scars on it. I already noticed that after I’d removed his broken mask but now without his beard it was even more visible.

“Hi.” I said.

Brahms didn’t greet me back, he was just staring at me as always.

“What’s going on? How’s your belly?” I asked because I didn’t know what else to say and standing there in the hall quietly and staring at each other started to become awkward. Well, only for me, Brahms didn’t seem to have any problems with it as usual.

“It needs to be treated.” He said.

“Okay.” I agreed and walked back in the bathroom.

We sat at our usual spots, Brahms on the chair, me on the edge of the bathtub.

I decided to only disinfect the skin around his wound from then and leave out the wound itself. I couldn’t see any signs of infection in it so I figured it needed to be left alone to heal itself.

Brahms was happy about finally ditching the disinfecting process and he didn’t have to sigh in pain anymore as the alcohol touched his flesh.

I put the healing cream on the wound as well though, it only could help the healing process.

I was gently rubbing the cream into his skin, while I was wondering how he could be so fit. He wasn’t overly muscular, although he had lean muscles which made his body look perfectly symmetrical. His belly wasn’t purposely worked out – obviously not, he’d been living inside the walls – but it was flat and hard and I could see his abs when his muscles got tense. His chest and shoulders were wide and angular and the hair on his belly and chest made him look even manlier. It was still quite hard for me to get used to the fact that this manly, attractive guy acted like an eight year old.

The entire time I was treating his injury, Brahms was following my hands with his eyes. I found it strange because he mostly was fixating my eyes when I was treating his stomach.

After I’d finished and put bandage on him, I put away the first aid tools, washed my hands and moved towards the bathroom door but Brahms suddenly stopped me by grabbing my wrist, causing my heart to jump.

I hated when he did that grabbing thing instead of just calling my name or asking me to wait. I hated it because it scared me all the time and I felt I made him angry with something.

He slowly pulled me back towards him and he didn’t stop until I was right next to him. He was still sitting on the chair but he was so tall that I was only a tiny bit taller than him as I was standing next to him.

I looked him in the eyes. He looked into mine with a scared look like he was afraid of how I was going to react.

 _“React on what?”_ I thought. _“What is he going to do?”_

He didn’t let go of my wrist but he slipped his hand down on mine to hold the back of my hand as he was moving it to the unharmed left side of his face.

_He wants me to hold his face? Like I did it yesterday before he pushed me to the floor?_

He was looking at me with his green eyes like a scared little child as I started to caress his face so slowly like I was trying to discover a new area with my hand. His reaction was the same as yesterday, he closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh as he pushed his face closer to my palm.

I reminded myself again that he had missed this simple gesture for his entire life almost, just like every other form of human touch.

“Does it feel good, Brahms?” I whispered.

He opened his eyes, looked at me and nodded in a barely visible motion as I continued gently stroking his face.

The whole situation seemed way too intimate to me but I didn’t dare to say no to him, after all it was only a small gesture but it clearly meant the world to him. His skin felt warm under my fingers and the recent shaving made it smooth and even softer than before.

“Let’s go to bed, okay?” I asked after a few minutes of caressing him.

He nodded with a calm look in his eyes.

We went outside to the hall and stopped in front of my bedroom’s door again.

“Kiss…” Brahms said to remind me of the last rule from the list.

“Right.” I said and stood on tiptoes to reach his cheeks.

He turned his head a little so my lips touched his face a bit closer to his lips than I intended to, making a pale pink shade appear on my cheeks.

The skin of his face smelled like some kind of soap and it made me think he didn’t have any shaving cream or aftershave so he used soap for shaving. I liked the scent though, it was very simple but sweet and fresh at the same time.

After kissing him goodnight I went back to my room, turned off the light and climbed into my bed.

 

But deep sleep seemed to be too much luxury that night. First, I thought it was the fault of my little afternoon nap but it didn’t take much time to realize it was something else that bothered me.

Every time I closed my eyes I saw Brahms’ headstone that I discovered in the morning. I suppressed the stifling emotions one more time that were trying to break free and I started to wonder about the fire accident happened in the Heelshire manor instead.

All I heard was that the manor got up on flames on Brahms’ eighth birthday and he didn’t make it out. But I knew that wasn’t true because Brahms did make it out.

_Why would his parents tell everyone he was dead? Why would they hide him in the walls forever?_

_What if the fire wasn’t an accident and they were trying to fake their son’s death? That would make sense in some twisted way, but why?_

Then I remembered what the Heelshires wrote in their letter. _“May God forgive us all.”_

_What did they do? What if Brahms did something and they were just trying to protect him?_

The last thought burnt deep into my mind and made my stomach turn.

I didn’t want to think about the possibility that he was worse than I knew. Yes, he had a disturbed mind with anger issues but I thought it was all because his parents had made him live in the walls, separating him from other people and forcing him to stay a child forever. I truly, honestly believed he could be better, that I could help him.

The thought of Brahms being mentally unstable already before the fire never crossed my mind.

As I was lying in my bed I was still hoping it wasn’t true and it was all his parents fault that he became the way he was.

 

When I finally fell asleep I still couldn’t escape from the dark thoughts in my head but this time they haunted me in a form of a nightmare.

I dreamed about Brahms’ headstone.

_In my dream I was walking through the Heelshire property but it was much darker and all the plants were death around me. I suddenly found the headstone with Brahms’ name on it, just as it happened in reality._

_All of a sudden everything went even darker as black clouds were gathering in the sky above me. I looked upon the sky and when I looked back at the sign, there was a little boy standing in front of me behind the headstone, looking at me with glazed eyes and deep sadness._

_His face was burnt but not scarred yet, I could see his freshly burned flesh all over his face and neck._

_“Please, Alison.” He said. “Please, don’t leave me.”_

_I reached for him with my hand but before I could’ve touched him he suddenly flamed up and started to burn as he screamed my name in fear. Panic took over on me as I tried to reach him but I couldn’t, he was entirely up in flames, so was the headstone and all the trees, bushes and sculptures around us._

_“No! Please, no!” I cried loud._

I opened my eyes. I was lying in my bed, my whole body was covered in sweat and tears were rolling down on my cheeks.

Suddenly the bedroom’s door opened and I saw Brahms rushing into my room.

“Alison?” He asked in a terrified voice. He probably heard my scream and couldn’t imagine what had happened.

I couldn’t say a word, I was still under the effect of the nightmare I just woke up from. I sat up and wiped my tears with my shaky hands.

“Alison?” Brahms called my name one more time. “Are you alright?”

I finally put myself together.

“Yes, I’m okay. I had a nightmare.” I said quickly with a huffy tone as I got out of bed and hurried to the bathroom. At least I tried to get out to the hall but Brahms was in my way.

“Would you let me out, please?” I asked, avoiding looking at him.

“What did you dream about?” He asked without moving away.

“It doesn’t matter.” I said impatiently as I kept staring at his wide chest muscle to avoid his eyes. All I wanted to do was to lock myself in the bathroom and pour some cold water on my face.

“Please tell me, Ali.” Brahms didn’t give up, making me even more frustrated.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I said in an angrier voice.

“Why not?” He asked.

“Because it was bad enough to dream about it, I don’t want to talk about it too.”

“But I don’t want you to be sad and upset.” Brahms continued.

“I’m fine.” I lied.

“But you’re not.” He said and he gripped my right upper arm with one hand and reached for my face with the other one. He cupped my face with his hand, held it the same way I held his the previous evening.

I looked up at him finally. His gesture surprised me, I didn’t expect him to touch me, especially not in this comforting way. He was slowly stroking my face with the back of his fingers and I couldn’t believe how gently he was doing it compare to the fact he had probably no idea how to comfort or touch another human being. His slender, warm fingers were slowly stroking my cheek.

I almost felt proud of him that he learned something new when the sudden realization hit me that this wasn’t right, I wasn’t the one who needed love and gentleness, it was Brahms. I was fine on my own like I had been for two years now since I left my hometown. I didn’t need someone else to comfort me, especially not because of a stupid nightmare. I wasn’t a child, I was a strong, grown up woman.

“Just let me go to the bathroom, okay?” I said and he finally moved a step to the side so I could leave the room and Brahms standing there in silence.


	14. Into the Forest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 14 is here. I decided to make a few days time jump in the story to move forward a little. :)
> 
> Thank you for the kudos and comments you've given me, I appreciate every single one of them.
> 
> Enjoy.

Four days had passed since my nightmare and I had been in the Heelshire manor for more than a week already. It had been a peaceful four days mostly, Brahms was still recovering from the wound Greta caused him and I was trying to leave my guilty conscious behind and adjust to the new situation I put myself into.

I mostly met Brahms twice every day. We usually ate together once, breakfast or lunch and after that we spent some “face to face” time together. He asked me the same thing every day though, he wanted me to read for him. Fortunately he didn’t ask me to read the old poem from our first face to face activity, the books he chose were easier to read. He was sitting there at the table in front of me and wondering over my face every time.

After that he went back to his lair to rest every day. I figured he was watching me sometimes from the walls but I was pretty sure he was in his bed most of the time since I could see he struggled with the pain still, caused by his wound.

But he found me every single evening before bedtime and asked me to take care of his stomach and kiss him goodnight. That was something he wouldn’t have missed.

 

This time we were sitting in the large dining room, we just finished eating lunch. Brahms was sitting in front of me as always when we were eating together.

There was something I wanted to ask him for a while now but I’d never been brave enough to bring the topic up. It was a sensitive one for the both of us.

“Brahms…” I started as I tried to find the courage. “Can I ask you something?”

He looked at me with suspicious but also interested face as he nodded.

“It’s about _that_ day when you… Pushed me. And I hit my head on the floor.” I said in a quiet but firm voice.

I saw Brahms’ face twitch. I knew he didn’t want to remember that day, at least what he had done, how he lost control, freaked out and landed on top of me on the floor.

Anger and guilt reflected in his eyes at the same time.

“Where did you go?” I asked my question finally. “I heard the entrance door open and slam.”

“Why does it matter?” He asked back.

“It doesn’t.” I answered. “I was just wondering if you ever go outside. If you ever leave the house I mean.”

I saw he was hesitant but he answered.

“Sometimes.”

“Where?” I asked. I was honestly surprised, I didn’t expect him being outside more than that one time.

“Not far. Only into the woods.” He murmured.

I was wondering over his face silently.

“Are you surprised, Alison?” He asked.

“Yeah, I believed you’d never left the house since…” I said but I didn’t finish my sentence. I wanted to say since the fire but it wouldn’t have been a wise choice to say it to Brahms’ face loud.

But it was too late, Brahms already realized what I was about to say. For a second I thought he was going to lose it but then he spoke again.

“I did a few times.” He said in low voice. “But only during nighttime.”

“To not to seen by anyone?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Mummy and Daddy would have been furious if they caught me.” He added as he lowered his chin like he did something bad and felt guilty.

“What did you do in the forest, Brahms?” I asked, still surprised.

“Not too much. I was running mostly.”

“Running?”

“Moving. It helped when I felt… Angry. Breathing the fresh air. Don’t you love the scent of the forest, Alison? I’d missed it.”

“Wasn’t it scary, walking in the dark forest?” I asked.

“It doesn’t bother me.” He answered. “I got used to darkness.”

I understood he meant he got used to moving around in darkness because of the walls. He basically grew up and spent his entire life living in darkness. Literally. I was thinking of how incredibly sad that was and nobody should live like that when Brahms spoke again.

“Although, I’ve never been too fond of animals so I never went too deep into the forest.”

I made a humming sound.

“I have an idea.” I said suddenly. “Why don’t we go out for a walk? You could show me where you went the few times you were outside.”

“In… Daylight?” He asked.

“Of course.” I answered. “Only close to the house to not to be seen by anyone. And of course only for some slow walk because of your belly.”

He hesitated but I saw a spark of excitement lightning up in his eyes.

“Alright.” He said finally.

 

When we met at the entrance door Brahms seemed much more excited than before in the dining room. His eyes were bright, almost cheerful, although I saw the usual hesitance in that look, he probably still wasn’t sure about that I wouldn’t try to trick him somehow.

Brahms stopped after we walked down the stairs in front of the giant entrance door. He was standing there, his eyes widened as he was looking around the property.

I was standing next to him quietly, waiting for him to move or say something. I didn’t intend to take this moment away from him. That was the very first time in 25 years that he walked outside during daylight and felt the sunlight on his skin.

We were lucky for experiencing mercy from the British weather which it didn’t often have on people who wished to enjoy the sunshine. We were wandering through the Heelshire property with our coats opened. Although we were walking slowly, I noticed small grimaces on Brahms’ face as his wounded stomach caused him pain. We even stopped sometimes for a few minutes.

We were walking between the tall trees through the edge of the forest, the boughs and the few dead, already fallen leaves making a crackly sound under our feet.

“We can sit if you want to.” I said after Brahms’ walking got even more sluggish.

He nodded and we sat down on the leafy ground under a giant oak. The ground wasn’t warm but it wasn’t unbearably cold either. I loved being in the nature and the mysteriousness of forests, the tall trees, the scent of fall. I was wondering around with my eyes, trying to store the view in my head like a photograph, while I was playing with my long hair which I was wearing in a braid that day.

“You’re doing it again.” Brahms’ voice brought me back to reality.

“Doing what?” I asked, feeling my cheeks blushing because I guessed what he was going to say.

“Getting lost in your thoughts.” He answered.

“No, I wasn’t.” I denied it automatically.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Alison.” Brahms said in his childish voice.

I didn’t say anything.

“What is that?” He asked, pointing to my left wrist.

“What?” I asked back.

“Why do you have a number two on your wrist?”

I realized he was talking about my tattoo which he might have never seen before.

“It’s a tattoo, Brahms.” I answered.

“Does it ever disappear?” He asked in an interested voice.

“No. It stays there forever.” I answered.

Brahms frowned.

“Why would you do that to your skin?” He asked.

“Well, some people like the way tattoos look, for some people they have deeper meaning… It depends.”

“Does yours have a meaning to you?” He asked.

“Sure.” I said quickly. I didn’t want to talk about the story behind my tattoo.

“What is it?” He asked in an interested voice again.

“It’s personal.” I answered.

“Tell me.” He demanded. His voice was mild but there was a darker tint in his eyes, me saying no probably felt like a rejection to him.

“There’s always two sides of a story, nothing is black or white. And it’s also to remember…”

My voice got shaky and I couldn’t say loud what I was about to say. I simply didn’t want to talk about it.

“To remember what?” Brahms asked.

“Nothing.” I said.

 “Is it a person?” He couldn’t let it go, he was too curious. And I didn’t like that, I was getting more and more frustrated.

“Just forget it, okay?” I answered.

He cocked his head as he was looking into my eyes but he didn’t ask any more questions about my tiny tattoo.

 

“Give me your hand.” I demanded after sitting there under the oak in silence for another few minutes.

Brahms’ made a confused facial expression but after some hesitation he reached his right hand.

He had such big hands, mine looked like tiny little doll hands compare to his giant ones.

The sunlight was making his pale skin even whiter. I was playing with his hand, gently moving my fingers on it. His skin felt soft, except around his fingertips, I figured the handiwork that he enjoyed so much caused him some roughness there. His slender fingers and his pale skin made his hands look almost feminine except the fact they were big, even bigger than most men’s hands were. I remembered how much strength he had in them while he had been squeezing my wrist when I’d found him with the screwdriver.

He was watching every move I made as he still wasn’t sure what I was trying to do to him.

I wanted him to get used to touches and to the presence of another person. I was determined to teach him how to interact with people and how not to freak out if they did something he didn’t like.

I suddenly turned his hand around, making his palm face the sky. I sent him a playful smile as I started to write small circles on his palm with my fingertip in a quick motion.

Brahms suddenly pulled his arm away from me as he automatically let out a loud chuckle. He was ticklish.

“Finally, he smiles.” I said, smiling as well.

I’d never seen him smile or laugh before and I was happy that I finally was able to make him do it.

But all of a sudden the smile disappeared from his face, his eyes got a darker tint to them and he pushed me to the ground by grabbing both of my shoulders.

It wasn’t like the last time, he didn’t seem angry. He seemed… Interested in me. I was lying on the fallen leaves while Brahms was lying next to me, leaning over me with his upper body.

I automatically grabbed his upper arms as my brain interpreted his sudden reaction as a threat. But I knew he wasn’t about to hurt me, so I was trying to calm my racing heartbeat and my shaky breathing. I didn’t try to push him away, although I kept my hands on his muscles, just in case. Not like I could push him away even if I wanted to, since he was much stronger than me.

He was wondering around my face with his green eyes, carefully studying every detail of it. He was so close to me, his face almost touched mine.

Then he moved his head closer to my neck and sniffed.

_Is he smelling me…?_

I didn’t dare to say a word or make a move, I was just lying there with him leaning over me. I felt his warm breath on the skin of my neck as his breathing became heavier. I could smell his musky scent as well, while I felt his curls tickling my face.

He moved his head back over my face, wondering over it one more time.

“Do I smell nice to you?” That was all I could ask in a weak voice.

His eyes narrowed a little but after a minute of silence he answered.

“Yes. You do smell nice.” He said as he continued studying my face.

I moved my hand to his face, touching it slowly. But this time my left hand followed and I stroked the “forbidden” right side of his face with the back of my fingers as well. He winced and fear appeared in his eyes but I ignored it and gently moved my hand over his scarred skin. I felt the roughness of his burnt scars, his skin felt uneven and craggy under my fingers.

“Can you feel my touch on this side?” I asked silently in a calm voice.

“No...” He said as shame appeared in his eyes.

He let me keep stroking his scars for another minute in silence then he started talking again.

“Do you think I’m a monster?” He whispered.


	15. Monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello.  
> I’ve had some extra free time lately so I have everything written until Chapter 21. There will be a Brahms’ POV again, the reveal of Alison’s secret and some other exciting things. Yea, I’m kinda enthusiastic, I know.
> 
> Thank you for supporting this silly little story of mine, I still can't believe people actually read it. :D

“No, Brahms.” I answered. “I don’t think you’re a monster.”

His eyes brightened for a second with a fain spark of hope but then it faded away.

“But I am.” He said in a deep, husky voice and with a dark tint in his eyes.

“Why?” I asked silently.

“I look like one.” He whispered between his teeth.

I was still caressing his scarred cheek, as the sunlight allowed me to have a clearer look at his face. Yes, his skin looked pretty bad on the right side, his scars were deep and rough and a smaller scar reached the edge of his thin, light pink lower lip. But at the end of the day he only looked like a man and I had to admit, I felt a single butterfly flying around in my stomach as he was leaning over me and looking into my eyes with his light green ones.

_“Obviously, it’s only because I find his features handsome, nothing more.”_ I tried to convince myself.

“Yeah, Brahms, you look like a human being who got burnt. That’s not the end of the world, it doesn’t make you a monster.” I said, realizing I might had been a little insensitive but I couldn’t help it. “You feel like you are one because people made you believe it.”

“You don’t understand…” He said in a low tone.

“Yes, I do.” I claimed. “What happened to you face isn’t you fault.”

I hoped I didn’t cross the line. He looked sad and angry at the same time as he slowly pushed away my hand from his face.

“Yes, it is.” He said.

“What?” I asked. “How was it your fault?”

“I… It doesn’t matter.” He said quickly. “I’d like to go back inside.”

He turned his head away from me and I saw the sunlight sparkling on his dark brown curls. I thought he had black hair but there in the sunlight I realized it was dark brown which seemed black most of the time. Suddenly I felt an inexplicable urge to stroke my fingers through it but fortunately it only lasted for a moment then faded away, leaving only a little blush on my cheeks behind.

Brahms let out a painful moan as he stood up.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

He nodded but held his hand on his wound.

“Okay, let’s go back into the house so you can rest.”

We were slowly walking back to the house in a different direction which was faster in Brahms’ opinion. We were passing through the edge of the forest around the house when Brahms suddenly stopped causing me to bump into him and step on his foot.

“Sorry.” I said but he didn’t react. He was standing there in the same position frozen, staring through the tree maze.

“Brahms?” I called his name because he was creeping me out.

He was fixating one spot with his glazed eyes deep in the forest, like a predator would do it to its prey before the attack. The oddest part was that I couldn’t see anything there, only trees and some bushes.

“Brahms, you’re scaring me.” I said.

He then looked at me, not with the scary look but with a simply anxious one.

“What did you see?” I asked.

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.” He said.

“Hell it does, you completely freaked me out, like you’ve seen a ghost or something.” I said impatiently.

“I just don’t like that part of the forest.” He said while we were walking forward to the house.

“Why not?” I asked, still shivering from what just happened.

“I don’t know, Alison. I just don’t.” He said as he clearly closed the topic and I didn’t want to make him angry. It’d been a quite nice day, I didn’t want to destroy it so I was just walking beside Brahms quietly.

*

The next morning Brahms joined me for breakfast. I wasn’t an amazing chef and I cooked only because I liked to eat healthy, homemade food most of the time. So the fact he liked my porridge made me happy and proud.

After we’d finished eating the doorbell started to ring.

We looked at each other.

“Don’t answer it.” Brahms said in his husky man voice.

“But I have to. I’m supposed to be here with the doll. I’m the nanny, remember?” I said as I was walking to the wooden entrance door.

Brahms suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him so close that my chest was pressed to his hard body as he looked down at me. My heart started to beat faster.

“You’ll be a good girl, won’t you, Ali?” He asked in his child voice.

“You still don’t trust me, sweetheart?” I asked back in a cheeky tone as I stood on tiptoe and leaned closer to his face. “I tricked the whole police to cover you, Brahmsy.” I whispered.

He cocked his head to the side as he kept his gaze locked with mine, then he let go of me and left.

I gave him a few more seconds to go back into the walls, then after the creaking sound of his footsteps had faded, I opened the door.

A blonde, thirty something year old woman was standing on the top of the staircase with two huge bags in her hands.

“Oh. Hello.” She said.

“Hi.” I greeted her back.

“I’m Rose, well… I’d give you a handshake but my hands are full.” She said with a wide, confused smile on her kind looking, round shaped face. “The shop sent me, I’m the new grocery girl.”

“Of course, sorry for not noticing.” I chuckled in confusion as well, as I took one bag from her. “Please, come in.”

We walked into the kitchen and put the bags on the table. Of course, the shop had to choose another employee to deliver groceries for the Heelshires since Malcolm was gone. I didn’t know what exactly had happened to Malcolm after the cops’ visit but I hoped he left with Greta to the US. For all of our sake.

“I’m Alison, nice to meet you.” I introduced myself as we finally shook hands with Rose.

“Glad to meet you, Alison.” She said, looking at me with her warm brown eyes.

“So… You’re here to replace Malcolm I suppose.” I said while we started to pack the groceries out.

“Indeed.” She answered in a cheerful voice. “He’d quit before he left to America with his girlfriend.”

I let out a sigh in relief, hoping Rose didn’t notice.

“His girlfriend was the Heelshires’ nanny.” She continued. “But if I’m not mistaken you know it better than I do.”

“Well, let’s just say I stepped in the middle of the craziness when I arrived.” I told her.

“I bet you did.” She smiled.

“Does everyone know everything in this town by the way?” I asked in a confused and mildly insulted tone as I placed some tomatoes in the basket. The way gossips spread around that town about the Heelshire family pissed me off. Especially since I was a part of the stories as well.

“That’s how things work in small towns, I suppose.” She answered carefully, noticing she might had hurt my feelings.

“Sorry.” I apologized for my tone. “I know it’s not your fault, I shouldn’t have jumped like that.”

“That’s okay.” She said with a smile on her face.

“So you’re gonna feed me every week from now on?” I asked jokingly to change the topic.

“Yes, that’s right.” She laughed. “I’m going to come once a week with groceries just like Malcolm used to.”

“Aren’t you bored all alone in this house?” She asked carefully after we’d put away most of the food. “Don’t mind my nosiness, I just can’t imagine how a young and pretty girl like you can willingly stay in this creepy old place alone, far away from civilization.”

“I got bored with the civilization.” I explained with a small smile on my face. “Plus I couldn’t afford to be picky between jobs.”

“I see. An adventurer if I’m not mistaken…” She said jokingly.

“Maybe.” I answered, smiling.

I kind of liked this woman. If we’d met in a completely different situation we could’ve been friends. But not this time, not when I just became a criminal with a six feet tall baby under my guidance.

“So how’s Brahms doing?” She asked, making me freeze for a moment.

“You mean the doll…?” I asked.

“Of course I meant the doll, who else?” She laughed confused.

“He’s in his room. Resting on his rocking chair.” I said.

“Does he do anything else?” She joked again.

I didn’t say anything, only chuckled.

_If she knew…_

“Isn’t it creepy?” She asked silently. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to seem pushy, I’m just curious. Aren’t you scared sometimes here in the middle of nowhere, in this giant manor accompanied by that doll?”

“I’m fine.” I said, probably too quickly and not convincing enough so I continued. “I think the story about the doll is more sad than creepy. I’m not saying I’m never scared or creeped out but I feel like this is the place where I meant to be right now. I know it sounds silly...” I smiled confused.

“No, it’s not.” She smiled. “Just be careful, okay?”

I made a confused facial expression. _She can’t believe that stupid ghost story about the doll being alive…_

“I’m friends with Aaron and he told me how mad that poor American girl went. You know, the one who was the Heelshires’ nanny before you. Greta, I suppose.” She explained.

“Who’s Aaron?” I asked.

“Oh, he’s a policeman in town. The one who visited you last week.”

_She’s probably talking about the younger cop who was here. So now the grocery girl and the nosy, sarcastic cop are friends. God, I hate small towns…_

“I’m just saying if you feel lonely or scared, we can hang out. I don’t want you to end up like their ex-nanny.” She said carefully.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I smiled kindly.

“Great. So I should go now, I have some more work at the shop.” She said.

“Thank you, it was nice to meet you.” I said to Rose after I walked her out through the entrance.

“You too, Alison.” She said. “Please, take care, there can be monsters everywhere in this world, you know…”

Then she left to her car and I heard her driving away from the manor after I’d closed the door.

I let out a sigh, then I saw Brahms coming out from the living room. I was pretty sure he’d been listening during the whole conversation because he looked annoyed.

“I like her.” I said.

“I don’t.” Brahms said in a grumpy voice.

“Is there anyone you like?” I asked in a sarcastic tone.

He hesitated.

“I like you, Ali.” He said.

_That was sweet. Kind of…_

“You know you can’t go anywhere with her.” Brahms said.

_Okay, that wasn’t sweet at all._

“What? Why couldn’t I?” I asked.

He looked at me like I’d just asked the question with the most obvious answer in the world.

“You can’t leave the house. You can’t leave me.” He answered.

“I wouldn’t leave you, Brahms. I’d come back.” I said.

“No. You can’t leave the house. You also can’t have guests.” He continued in a deeper voice with narrowed eyes.

“That wasn’t part of our deal.” I said angrily.

I wouldn’t hang out with Rose anyway, she was friends with that policeman so it would’ve been too dangerous but still… I wasn’t get used to people telling me what to do. My own parents couldn’t tell me what to do. I couldn’t be tied up like a caged animal, I was free to do anything I wanted to.

Brahms stepped closer, filling the space between us.

“It’s part of the rules, pretty Ali.” He said as he slowly started to caress my face with his hand.


	16. Candlelight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Power outage in the Heelshire manor! Sounds good? I know it does.
> 
> Haha, sorry, don't mind my silliness, I'm in a funny mood today. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and on Thursday I'll show you what's going on in Brahms' head again. This one is partly an introductory chapter for the Brahms' POV but I think it turned out to be quite good anyway.
> 
> I'm so grateful for all the feedback you've given me and constructive criticism is very much appreciated too.
> 
> Enjoy. :)

I looked up at Brahms. His eyes were wondering over my face with a strange spark in them I’d never seen on him before. I wasn’t sure what that was.

_He’s right, it was indeed part of the rules, except…_

“Not leaving the house isn’t really on the list.” I blinked with innocent eyes, as the silly butterfly started to move again in my stomach while he was gently stroking my face.

His eyes narrowed a little more as he leaned closer to my face, his hand moving into my hair which I was wearing lose that day.

I automatically wanted to flinch and take a step back as I felt him intruding into my personal space that I was used to with other people, but I forced myself to stay still. I didn’t want him to realize I was feeling uncomfortable, I needed to seem as confident as possible.

He didn’t seem angry or frightening overall, he was just holding his face so close to mine that he was only a few inches away from me, looking into my eyes with that strange new spark in them.

“Are you scared I would tell something to Rose? That’s why you don’t want me to spend time with her? Because you still don’t trust me?” I asked as I felt his fingers slowly stroking my hair.

“No.” He said. “I’d like you to spend more time with me instead.”

“Oh…” I said surprised, my confidence died down a little since his words were much unexpected. ”I told you we can spend more face to face time together when you’re ready.”

He didn’t say anything, he made a humming sound only, while he was wondering over me up to toe with that different, new spark in his eyes that gave me the shivers. _What on earth got into him?_

“Brahms…” I called his name less confidently since I was getting more and more confused by that look. “What face to face activities would you like to do with me then? Other than reading.”

He cocked his head to the side then suddenly the innocent look came back into his eyes as he moved his head slightly away from my face, his hand stopped in my hair.

“We could play something. Or you could read a bedtime story for me.” He said with childish excitement in his voice, his tone got a little higher.

“Okay, I can do that.” I said with a confused smile. I somehow felt relieved that he was back to his childish self again. That was the Brahms I was at least familiar with.

 

We spent time until lunch with putting together a puzzle and playing board games. I had to admit I enjoyed it just as much as Brahms did, I couldn’t remember the last time I played with those kind of things and the last time I let myself being a child. It honestly felt good. It was also a nice way of making Brahms getting used to human interactions.

*

“Please read me a bedtime story, Alison.” Brahms asked in his childish voice around bedtime.

 “Okay.” I said with some hesitation in my voice. I knew it would be weird to read a bedtime story for this tall, manly looking guy. “Should we go downstairs and sit on the couch?”

“I’d prefer my room.” He said.

“Your room?” I asked confused. I obviously didn’t want to go back into the walls to his creepy lair and read him there. _How odd that would be._

He suddenly took my hand and led me into his old, childhood room.

“Oh… You mean _this_ room.” I said relieved.

He lifted up the red covers on the doll’s bed - the Brahms doll was still sitting on the rocking chair where I left it - then lay down.

His actions surprised me.

_Does he really want to sleep here? In the bed he probably hasn’t slept since he was eight?_

“Do you want to sleep here instead of your room in the walls?” I asked surprised.

He nodded after some hesitation.

“Well, alright.” I said as I walked to the book shelf to find some storybook and I chose a classic fairy tale one.

I went back to the bed and tucked Brahms in with the heavy covers. I figured he wanted me to, since he mentioned Greta had done the same before she stabbed him. He looked at me with innocent eyes, following my every move.

I sat on the bed right next to him, then opened the book and randomly chose a story. _The Princess and the Pea._

Brahms was staring at my face the whole time I was reading for him. I felt weird at first about reading a bedtime story for this grown up man but then I got lost in the story.

I was a nanny before and reading fairy tales and telling stories for the children was my favorite activity back then. While I was reading I felt like I went back in time before I decided to travel to the UK. For the first time since I walked through the manor’s door I felt honestly calm.

 

“Good night, Brahms.” I said to him after I’d finished reading the story for him.

I leaned to him, kissed his cheek, then walked to the lamp, switched it off and closed the door behind me.

I was glad he decided to spend more time outside of the walls and him sleeping in his old bed where the silly doll used to sleep made me feel he finally let the doll thing go which was a huge improvement.

On the other side, the thought he was sleeping in the room only a few feet from my own door gave me some chills. I got used to the feeling of being alone on the whole floor and it felt strange that Brahms was sleeping next door.

 _“I’ll get used to this as well.”_ I yawned as I started to get ready for my own bedtime.

*

The next day I read some poems for him - which weren’t filled with hard words like the first one I had to read a few days before – and cleaned the traps, cooked something to eat and put on some melodic violin music on the gramophone. Brahms was resting his injured belly in his lair in the meantime.

I decided to sit on the couch with a book I found in the study room and seemed interesting.

I was lost in the pages completely, I only got up from the couch to eat dinner. I noticed a part from the food was missing. I found it honestly impressive how Brahms could move around in the house - outside of the walls even - without me noticing it.

After I’d eaten, I went back to the living room to continue reading and I didn’t even notice I fell asleep with the book in my hand.

 

When I woke up it was almost nighttime. I heard how the heavy rain was knocking on the windows. I looked around and needed a few seconds to convince myself I was still in the living room because it looked so different.

There were at least twenty white candles burning around me in the enormous room.

_What the…_

“Brahms!” I jumped when I saw Brahms sitting in the dark next to me, staring at me. “What the hell? I almost had a heart attack!”

I took some deep breaths before I talked again.

“Seriously, you need to stop watching me quietly when I don’t know you’re around.” I said. “What’s going on here? Are we going to perform an exorcism?”

Brahms frowned at me as he obviously wasn’t used to my sarcastic sense of humor.

“The power’s gone.” He explained. “It happens a lot.”

_It makes sense, we are in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by forests and nature. Plus it’s raining as well._

“So is that why you lit the candles?” I asked.

“We always light candles when it happens.” He nodded. “We’ve got a lot of them.”

I figured he was talking about his parents as _“we”_.

“No more reading then, I guess.” I said in a resigned tone with a small smile, moving my eyes around the place that was sparkling in candlelight. It looked so mysterious and haunted, it got me the chills.

“It’s late anyway.” I said. “We should go to bed.”

But Brahms grabbed my hand as I attempted to stand up from the couch.

“What is it?” I asked as I felt my heart beating faster as always when he grabbed me.

Brahms didn’t answer, he only sat closer to me. Way closer than I preferred.

He was looking at me, his green eyes sparkling in the candlelight.

Then he leaned even closer and started to take deep breaths, his nose reaching the top of my head.

_What the hell is he doing? Is he smelling me again?_

We had been sitting there in the same position for over a minute and I was still frozen, thinking what I was supposed to do.

_Should I stop him? Should I explain him how inappropriate is to smell other people? But that sounds simply ridiculous._

When he did the same in the forest and he said I smelled nice, I believed he meant my soap or shampoo or something.

_But now that he’s doing it again… Could it be? Is he attracted to me… in a physical way?_

A shiver went down on my spine. I would’ve lied if I said the thought never crossed my mind. Not the idea of Brahms starting to feel attraction towards me or not, but the idea of him never touched anyone. I wasn’t naive, I knew even if he was partly an eight year old boy in his head, he was a man as well. A 33 year old man who had never touched anyone, ever.

The move of Brahms’ hands broke my thinking mechanism as he gently touched my cheeks and started to caress them with both hands.

He pulled away with his head, only he could look me in the eyes. He looked at me shyly, then his hands moved to my hair, slowly stroking it.

I wanted to tell him stop but I couldn’t. There was something in his eyes that made me freeze in the moment. I recognized the same, new spark in them which he had the previous day but it was mixed with his usual innocence.

He then did something even stranger. He stroke his fingertips on the unharmed side of his own face, then he did the same with my face, making a confused facial expression. He looked like he was trying to compare our skins by touching. Then he reached to his own hair and started to touch his dark curls, holding a lock in between his fingers, stroking it. After that he started to stroke my hair one more time, looking even more confused.

“What is it, Brahms?” I whispered.

The whole thing he was doing was weird but at the same time there was something innocent, pure and even sacred in his actions I didn’t dare to destroy.

“It’s just…” He started in his confused man voice. “You’re so different from me.”

“How am I different?” I asked gently.

“Your skin… And your hair… They’re so much softer than mine.” He said while he was still moving his hands between my hair and my face with a timid look.

“You’re so soft…” He continued but his eyes moved from my face down to my whole body as he swallowed hard.

“Because I’m a woman, Brahms.” I said.

He sent me a _“you don’t say”_ look.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean like that, of course you know, obviously. You just never _felt_ the differences, did you?” I asked.

He lowered his head a little, like he was embarrassed.

“How do our differences make you feel?” I asked silently to keep the conversation going.

I didn’t want him to feel ashamed, it wasn’t his fault he’d never had the opportunity to touch someone else’s skin and hair before.

“Strange.” He said after some hesitation and ran his eyes through my body one more time. “Very strange.”

I saw him swallow again in the flickering light, then I felt his hands slowly moving down on my face, neck, shoulders, and arms, then finally rested on my waist.

“Frustrated.” He said, still looking confused and shy as he gently squeezed my waist, then started to caress it with his fingers.

I knew that was the moment I had to stop him.

My brain wanted to say something smart but my lips didn’t move, my tongue stack to my palate and my mouth dried out.

“Brahms…” I started in a shaky voice.

I didn’t know what to say though.


	17. Pure - Brahms’ POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually I wasn’t planning it, but Christy asked me to write another Brahms’ POV and I decided to use his POV for something different than last time.
> 
> I have to clarify, it is not all that Brahms thinks of, but I attempted to show another important side of what might be in his head, meanwhile the story goes on of course. 
> 
> !!If you feel yourselves blushing or/and awkward by reading this chapter that’s cool, that means I did a decent job as a writer!!
> 
> I’m very nervous though, I hope I won’t disappoint you guys with this.
> 
> Feel free to give me feedback because it helps a lot.
> 
> Oh and have I mentioned that kudos make me happy? :D
> 
> Enjoy! :)

We were sitting on the sofa with Alison. She was so close to me that I could easily feel her softness by gently squeezing her waist.

“Brahms…” She called my name. Her voice was weak and shaky, even confused.

I didn’t understand why she felt confused. She seemed so confident all the time, even a minute ago when she’d asked me about how our physical difference made me feel.

There wasn’t only confusion I discovered on her face. She was scared. I got used to the fact that I scared everyone I loved, although this time I felt slightly disappointed. I thought she was the first one who wasn’t afraid of me and my scary looks. I didn’t understand what had changed in her all of a sudden.

 “It’s okay, Brahms.” She said after some silence. “It’s okay if you feel… Frustrated. It happens to everyone sometimes.”

_Really? Does everyone feel the same annoying frustration time to time?_

Her blue eyes were sparkling in the candlelight as she looked at me, causing my stomach to feel strange. Her cheeks were pink which made her look even prettier, although I didn’t know why she was blushing, she didn’t have anything to feel embarrassed of.

“If… If you have any questions, you’re free to ask me anytime.” She said.

_What does she mean?_

“What kind of questions?” I asked as I kept moving my fingers on her waist, then down to her hips.

“Well…” She said as she started to blush harder, her voice trembling. “The kind you’ve always wanted to ask but never had anyone to answer them for you.”

I tilted my head to one side.

I had so many questions, there were billions of things I didn’t understand. I also wanted to know more about her, I wanted to know _everything_ about her.

I still didn’t completely know though what kind of questions she meant but I nodded anyway.

“Okay. I think it’s time for bed.” She said with a small smile I didn’t believe was entirely honest because her voice was still shaky.

I hesitated.

Sleeping was the last thing I could think of.

I wanted to sit there with her, looking at her incredibly fine face, breathing in her scent, stroking my fingers on her soft skin, feeling the curves of her waist and hips... I wanted to do that all night but I couldn’t say no to the beautiful smile of hers. Even if I felt it wasn’t an honest one because she looked slightly scared of me still.

She stood up and took my hand, then led me upstairs to the bathroom.

Of course she didn’t forget about our wound treating routine, she had been taking care of my wound very well since the first time we’d met.

 

While she was gently rubbing the healing cream into the skin of my belly, the discomfort suddenly came back, as my body reacted to her warm touches in a way I didn’t want it to react.

_Oh no, not now…_

But it was too late, I couldn’t do anything to stop it, I simply couldn’t control it. All I could do was hoping she didn’t notice how my trousers got tighter from my growing bulge. I didn’t want her to see that my body acted in such a strange way for no reason.

I quickly looked at her to check if her facial expression changed but she only pulled a small smile on me.

_Hopefully she didn’t notice._

 

I lay down on my bed and let her tucking me in with the red covers after we’d walked into my room. That was the second night I slept in my old bed where my doll self used to sleep. But it was time for me to take it back and allow Alison to take care of me during bedtime as well.

“Do you want a bedtime story?” She asked. Her voice wasn’t shaking anymore, she seemed much calmer now that I was under the covers. I still felt a little hurt that she had suddenly gotten scared of me back in the living room. I didn’t understand why since I’d been such a good boy.

I nodded. I loved when she was reading for me. Her accent made her sound special and captivated me completely since the day I made her read the poem Beowulf. She was so adorable when she was determined to read all those words which I knew would’ve been too hard for her to read. I honestly liked her spirit, she was a fighter.

She enjoyed reading the fairy tale just like the other day. She was lost in the pages but unfortunately I couldn’t really focus on the story, I found myself lost in my thoughts about her.

I didn’t understand what Ali was doing to me. Of course, I already thought she was beautiful when I first saw her. She was like an angel who appeared by my side and pulled that damn screwdriver out of my tummy. Even after she had seen my real, scarred face.

But when I smelled her scent for the first time… That was different. I didn’t know what had happened but since then every time she was close, I felt electricity running through my body. Her closeness made the annoying frustration much worse and her presence made that raw desire stronger. It had been bad already before, but when she was so close to me it was sometimes close to unbearable.

I felt how shame spread through my entire presence as I thought about the things I’d do to her. _Touching her everywhere under her clothes, removing all the pieces of material of her body, hugging her close to me and just holding her in my arms, fully undressed… And then… Then I have no idea what._

 _“Stop it. Stop thinking of that, it’s so not right.”_ I thought to myself angrily, wishing I knew where those mad, disturbing thoughts were coming from.

I was watching her lips move while she was reading the words written on the pages. She quickly licked her lips with her fine pink tongue, making me swallow hard. I tried to focus on the story instead of those lips but I couldn’t. The strange passion-like feeling was too strong as I imagined how it would feel if I stroked my fingertips on her lips. They seemed so pretty and so soft…

_She gives me a goodnight kiss every night on the cheeks. Maybe… Maybe she could give one on my lips today…_

The thought of her lips on mine strengthened the strange feeling in my stomach.

_Would she mind it?_

I’d never imagined someone kissing my lips, my _real_ lips before I met Alison. My real face would’ve scared any girl away, so I’d only dared to dream about a pair of soft lips touching my porcelain ones. But since Alison wasn’t terrified of my scars, she even caressed and kissed my face, my thoughts changed. I started to imagine a girl’s lips on my actual, real ones. _Her_ lips on mine.

The sound of Alison slamming the storybook pushed me back into reality. She finished reading the story.

“Did you like the story, Brahms?” She asked with enthusiasm in her voice and with a wide smile on her face. She indeed really liked those fairy tales.

I nodded slightly. I felt embarrassed that I’d missed most of the story but the idea of feeling her lips on mine made my brain foggy.

I swallowed anxiously as she put the book back on the shelf and sat on the bed next to me.

_Am I really going to do it?_

I was hesitating.

_The last time I kissed a girl - who was mine by the way - I ended up with a screwdriver in my tummy. And they weren’t even my real lips._

The memory of how I’d gotten stabbed rose my rage for a moment but then I heard Alison’s voice again.

“Okay, Brahms, we’re done with the rules for today, we did it all.” She smiled. “Except the goodnight kiss of course.”

She leaned over me and I closed my eyes as she kissed my left cheek. While she was pressing her lips against my face, I turned my head until her lips landed on mine.

Shiver ran down my spine as I felt her soft, warm lips on my own. She flinched but I pressed my lips harder against hers, slightly lifting my upper body from the bed. I couldn’t help it, the electric feeling ran through my body and excitement took over.

I heard her suppressing a whimper from surprise but then she didn’t try to move away. She gently pushed me back to the bed, still holding her lips on mine. When my head rested on the pillow again she slowly moved away and I let her.

She was looking at me, her round blue eyes widened, her mouth partly opened. For a second I thought she would be angry but she just slightly frowned at me with a confused tiny smile on her face.

“Good night, Brahms.” She said firmly.

She then stood up from my bed in a quick motion, turned off the lights and closed the door behind herself, leaving me there alone in darkness.

 

I couldn’t fall asleep, I couldn’t stop thinking about how her lips felt on mine even if it only lasted for a few short seconds. I replayed the kiss in my head over and over again, wishing I understood the purpose of the yearning and craving I felt.

I could’ve used my hand on myself to help with the discomfort. That was the only way that brought me some relief but it was only temporary and the craving came back every time.

I let out a long sigh from frustration as I turned to my other side under the heavy covers. Suddenly I felt a mild but unexpected pain in my wound.

It reminded me of Greta. Her memory still hurt but the bad feeling and emptiness wasn’t that severe. I didn’t really think of her anymore, only the memory of her betrayal haunted me when I felt pain in my tummy. It still made me angry when I thought about how she had stabbed me.

But Alison was here now and I wasn’t alone anymore. She was gorgeous in every possible way, even if she was driving me mad by making those physical frustrations stronger.

Although, there was another thing that bothered me very much so, not allowing me to fall asleep.

It was a name.

_Daniel._

A few days ago when Alison had that nightmare I was already up because I couldn’t sleep from the pain my wound caused me. I went to the bathroom to find some medicines when I heard her talking. I silently opened her door and I saw she was still sleeping but she seemed to suffer from night terror. She was sweating, tears were rolling down on her cheeks and she was saying “Daniel”. I was watching her for a while but then I closed her door and left.

She woke up a few minutes later, screaming. I remembered the terror in her eyes when I ran into her room. She said she had a silly nightmare but I knew it was more.

She was terrified.

I tried to comfort her, caressing her cheeks, the exact same way she did it to me in the woods but she pushed me away.

 _“Why did she push me away?”_ I thought annoyed. _“Was it because of that Daniel?”_

I felt rage rising in me as I squeezed the edge of my pillow with shaky hands to be able to control my anger.

 _“How could I make her mine if she’s already someone else’s?”_ I thought desperately. _“What if she belongs to this Daniel already? I can’t steal her if she’s someone else’s, can I? A gentleman would never do that and Daddy always used to say I was a gentleman.”_

I felt like a heavy object was placed on my chest as I tried to hold back the pulsating rage and desperation that overflowed me.

_“I need to find out who Daniel is. I can’t lose her, I just found her. Or she found me, it doesn’t matter… I don’t want her to leave me, no, that cannot happen. I need to make her mine in every single possible way. I want her to be mine and only mine.”_

I finally fell asleep with those dark thoughts in my head.


	18. Phone Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter I've written in this story yet but I couldn't divide it into two different chapters because it'd be just weird then. It's mostly dialogues anyway. I hope you'll like it. :) Enjoy.

I woke up early in the morning. I saw Brahms’ door was closed so I assumed he was still sleeping, which was a rare situation because mostly I was the one who woke up later. I wasn’t a morning person for sure.

I went downstairs to make breakfast. While I was eating I was thinking of what had happened the night before.

The whole situation with Brahms had been difficult enough already. I decided to take care of him, teach him how to act around people and teach him about human connections. I honestly believed love can “fix” him. Not that cheesy, romantic bullshit that made my stomach turn but the love he had missed for his entire life, especially as a child. It was an honorable purpose but I didn’t really expect him to be attracted towards me this way.

I wasn’t stupid, I knew he’d been probably having all those desires but still, he was such a child, he’d completely acted like one until the previous day. The way he touched my waist and looked at me in the candlelight wasn’t innocent and childish at all. And then the goodnight kiss…

For a second I got terrified when he suddenly pressed his lips against mine and even lifted himself up from the bed as I tried to move away from him. But then I realized he might had been just simply overexcited about the whole situation since he had never kissed someone on the lips and I figured if I pushed him away I’d make things worse and make him angry even. I assumed he didn’t want to drag me into bed with him and attack me. He would’ve had plenty of opportunities if that was what he wanted, but he didn’t. So I didn’t try to flinch anymore, I just gently pushed him back to bed hoping a short goodnight kiss was all that he wanted and I was right, he let me go right away.

_On the other hand this is still bad because what if he wants more? If he’s attracted to me then he’s going to want more for sure, isn’t he? What am I going to do then? I promised I’d taken care of him but I didn’t mean in a way like that…_

For a heartbeat I let myself imagine what if I meant like _that._ The thought of touching him that way gave me a breakout of _goosebumps_. Not that I didn’t find him attractive because I had to admit that I did. When he broke into my personal space I only felt uncomfortable because I didn’t like when people did that to me, but overall his closeness didn’t bother me at all. I’d already realized that chemistry might have worked from my side as well.

But obviously it all didn’t matter.

Even if he was physically a man, he was still a child in his head, a child who I needed to tell bedtime stories, who needed to be tucked in and played with. Also, his values weren’t on the right track yet, he believed murdering Greta’s ex was okay and who knows what might had been in his disturbed mind besides that.

I felt naive, stupid even because somehow I still believed I could “raise him up” and teach him things about the grown up world without getting physical with him and crossing a line. His advances scared me but not enough to make me run away. I still believed that he wouldn’t do anything to me forcefully.

And _when he’s ready he’ll be able to get out of this property and meet people so he might find a girlfriend even and live his life like an ordinary adult man._

A silent voice in my head burst into laughter about what a dumb, naive little girl I was and I just can’t be serious, but I ignored it.

*

I didn’t really mind hiding away from the civilization in the middle of the forest, but it was time to call my family to let them know I was okay. There had been a few days before without sending signs to my mom I was alive somewhere in the world but then she always knew I wasn’t able to call or text her. This time she didn’t know where I was and what I was up to. I definitely needed to talk to her and tell her I was fine.

I found some landline phones in the house - one of them in my room - but they were all dead. I suspected Brahms was behind it so I needed to ask him.

 

“Brahms…” I started after I finished reading some book for him in the study room. “I need to talk to my family.”

His eyes narrowed and his facial expression hardened.

“Can you please uncut the lines so I could call them?” I asked because he didn’t say anything.

“Why do you want to call them?” He asked.

“To let them know I’m alive.” I grimaced forgetting how it wasn’t as obvious for him as it was for “ordinary” people. “I haven’t talked to them for two weeks, they must be worried.”

He kept staring at me, certainly didn’t trust me enough.

“No.” He said.

“What? It’s not a request, Brahms, I need to talk to them.” I added in an annoyed tone. “They’d call the police if they can’t reach me for so long.”

“But you could tell them anything. I couldn’t understand what you’d talk in Finnish.” He said.

“You need to trust me, I guess.” I said slightly offended. I couldn’t believe he still didn’t trust me after everything I had done for him.

We were looking at each other for another minute when I realized what he just said.

“Wait… Would you be able to listen to my conversation if I talked in English? Did you listen to Greta’s conversations as well?” I accused him angrily, ignoring how his face twitched as I mentioned Greta’s name.

 “That’s so not cool, Brahms. Everyone has the right to privacy. You can’t control everything and everyone around you.” I explained.

“Why not?” He asked with an honest, surprised look on his face.

“Because everyone has thoughts that’s none of your business.” I said. “How would you feel if you told me something personal and someone else would secretly listen to it?”

He hesitated, I saw he was considering what I’d told him.

“Alright.” He said finally. “But be good, pretty Ali.”

*

I was sitting on my bed, holding the black phone, while I was nervously playing with the wire and waiting for someone to pick up.

“Hello, it’s Mia.”

My heart started to beat faster as I heard my little sister’s voice. Mia was sixteen years old, ten years younger than me.

“Hi, it’s Alison.”

“Alison? Finally! Where on earth have you been? We’ve been worried about you, how could you disappear without a word?” I heard resentment in her voice, I felt she was angry with me for not returning her calls and messages.

“I’m so sorry, Mia.” I said in a guilty voice.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just don’t have power over here.”

“Are you in a desert or what?” She joked.

“In a forest. Still in England.” I answered.

“What are you doing in the forest? Tell me you’re hiding with a handsome British man and I’ll forgive you for not calling me back.” She said jokingly with enthusiasm in her voice.

I tried not to pay attention of the warm sensation in my stomach as I thought of the handsome British man I was actually hiding with.

“Funny. How’s mom and dad?” I changed the subject.

“Mom’s out, she went to a meeting.”

“And dad?”

“Well, you know… he’s dad…”

I knew exactly what she meant.

“Does he talk about me?” I asked.

“Sometimes he mentions what a disappointment you are and how he hopes I won’t turn to be like you…”

“So just the usual.” I said in a cold, emotionless voice.

“Yes. Mom tells him how you’re doing after you talk to her on the phone every time. He doesn’t say anything though, only nods.”

Just as I expected.

My dad had been angry with me since I chose to leave Finland two years ago. For a few months he tried to convince me to ditch this crazy idea of mine and come home, find a decent job and a husband and make a family just like all his friends’ children did. He hated I was a “rebel” and not the perfect little princess he wanted me to be. After he realized his attempts were unsuccessful, he simply stopped talking to me. He only acknowledged my existence when I traveled home for Christmas but he only pulled some fake smile then as well.

I felt how my guilt rose. I had no idea why I felt guilty about my father, but I still felt bad sometimes about disappointing him and I even felt offended that he thought I wasn’t the “decent, good girl” I used to be.

“How you doing?” I asked Mia. I didn’t want to talk about our father anymore. “How’s school?”

“Good. I got the highest score on a chemistry test last week.” She said proudly.

“Good girl.” I said, regretting it right away. I hated myself for telling my sister the same phrases my parents used to tell me all the time when I did what they wanted me to do.

 _“Life’s cruel, Alison. Just be a good girl and do what we tell you to do, then you won’t get hurt.”_ I heard my father’s words in my head. When I asked him why I couldn’t make any decisions on my own he simply answered _“because the world is dangerous and you can’t make it on your own, you need our help to become a decent grown woman who we can be proud of”_.

“So what are you doing in a forest?” Mia interrupted my thoughts just in time because they started to raise the rage that I’d buried in my unconscious a long time ago.

“I’m a nanny to an eight year old boy.” I answered. I hated lying to my sister but I obviously didn’t want to drag her into my lies.

“Cool. What’s his name?” She asked.

“Brahms.” I said.

“Like the composer?” She asked.

“Yeah, exactly.” I answered.

“It’s such a unique name, I love it.” She said in an enthusiastic voice. “Is he as unique as his name?

“You have no idea…” I sighed.

She chuckled.

“I hope he behaves well and hasn’t been giving a hard time to my poor sister.” She laughed.

“Hard time is my second name.” I joked with a sigh.

“I miss talking to you, Alison.” She said after letting out a chuckle again.

“I miss it too.” I said. “I’ll try to call you again soon I promise, but I mostly collapse into bed every night from exhaustion.”

“I understand. Try to call me as soon as you can though. I really miss you… I have to go now though, dad wants to help me with revision for a math test next week. And you know he doesn’t take no for an answer.” She sighed.

“Of course…” I knew it very much from my school years. He freaked out so much when I didn’t get the best grade, I was mostly locked into my room for weeks as punishment.

“Take care and call me as soon as you have time, okay?” Mia asked.

“I will.” I smiled. “Bye, Mia, you take care as well.”

“Bye, Alison.” She said goodbye.

*

I was a bit disappointed because I wanted to talk to my mom as well, but hearing Mia’s voice was definitely nice.

Not much later Brahms opened my door carefully.

He was standing at the opening, holding his hands entwined behind his back, looking at me shyly like he couldn’t decide what to say or what to do.

I was still sitting on my bed in a tailor seat.

“You can sit down.” I told him, pointing to the bed, guessing he wanted to say or ask something.

“What is it?” I asked after he’d sat on the edge of the bed in front of me.

“You didn’t talk to your mom, did you?” He asked. “She sounded much younger.”

“Were you listening to my call?!” I asked outraged. “Unbelievable.”

He lowered his head like he was caught doing something bad.

“She was my sister.” I told him after I saw his guilty look.

“What did you talk about?” He asked.

“Just usual stuff.” I said.

“Why did you mention my name to her?” He asked again.

“You don’t have to know everything.” I said coldly. I was still mad because of the lack of privacy in the house.

I realized Brahms’ eyes were getting darker so I decided to ditch the attitude though.

“She asked me what I was doing in the forest so I told her I’d been a nanny to an eight year old boy named Brahms.” I said grudgingly.

“Why didn’t you talk to your parents?” He asked.

“Because my mom wasn’t at home so I couldn’t.” I said.

“And your daddy?” He asked.

I flinched.

“What’s with him?” I asked back.

“Was he out as well?” Brahms asked.

“No. He was home.” I answered quickly.

“Why didn’t you talk to him?” He asked curiously.

“Because… He didn’t want to talk to me.” I said, avoiding Brahms’ eyes.

“Why not?” He asked.

“Why not, pretty Ali?” He asked again because I didn’t answer. I felt my heart beating faster as the dark emotions wanted to break through.

“He thinks I’m a bad girl.” I said as I swallowed hard. “Because I left home.”

“Why did you leave?” He asked after a few seconds.

“Because it felt more like a prison than a home.” I answered. My throat was dry and my facial muscles tightened. “My dad wanted me to do things I didn’t want to. He wanted me to be someone I wasn’t. So I couldn’t stay there anymore.”

“What did he want you to do?” He asked silently.

“Make a career, get married, have children, live in the neighborhood where he can control my every step. But I didn’t want to, I felt I was drowning in the life he wanted for me. I started to have nightmares and go crazy so I decided to run away.” I said.

We were sitting there in front of each other, Brahms staring at me and me fixating the tattoo on my wrist to avoid looking into his eyes.

“The same nightmares as last week?” Brahms asked suddenly.

I froze. I didn’t want to think about _that_ nightmare.

“Not exactly.” I answered.

“What kind of dream can be so bad you wouldn’t want to talk about it?” He asked slowly with childish interest in his voice.

“Fire…” I blurted out.

_I don’t want to tell him, I can’t believe it came out through my mouth. Why can’t I hold the words back?_

“What fire?” He asked with honest surprise on his face.

“In my dream I saw the headstone in the garden.” I saw how his muscles tensed as I mentioned his headstone. “There was a boy with burnt face standing behind it, calling my name but before I could reach him he was up in flames. So was everything around me.”

I couldn’t believe I told him.

_I need to stop._

“The boy…” He said silently. “Was it me?”

Tears gathered in my eyes.

“No. It wasn’t you.” I said, avoiding looking at him again.

“Who was it then?” He asked silently, frowning.

I didn’t answer. I felt the words wanting to come out from my throat but I swallowed hard to keep them in. I couldn’t let myself talk.

Then Brahms spoke again.

“Was it Daniel?” He whispered.


	19. Destiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd wondered why Alison helped Brahms without much hesitation, here it is.
> 
> I hope you'll like it, if yes you can give me a kudos, because it makes me motivated to continue this story. :)
> 
> Enjoy!

My heart jumped as I heard Brahms saying Daniel’s name. _How does he know about him? He can’t know, there’s no way._

“What?” I asked silently, wiping the teardrop from my cheek.

Brahms didn’t say anything, he was just staring at me, as he swallowed hard.

“How do you know about… Daniel?” I asked. I had to force myself to say his name loud after all those years.

“I heard you scream his name while you were sleeping. The night you had that nightmare.” He said finally.

I couldn’t say anything. My mouth felt dry as a desert and I constantly tried to swallow my tears.

“Who is he, Ali?” Brahms asked and I knew he wouldn’t let it go without getting an answer but I just couldn’t talk about it.

“I… I don’t want to talk about it.” I said still fighting to hold back my tears. “Please, don’t make me.”

“But I want to know. I need to know.” Brahms said. I saw that he became angrier but there was also a tint of sadness in his eyes.

“Why?” I asked. I suddenly felt the urge to run away and never stop running as my heart was beating so fast that I started to gasp a little.

“Just tell me.” He demanded as he sat closer and reached to my hand, perhaps to assure me it was safe for me to talk.

But I couldn’t do it, I felt my brain and chest could explode any minute due to the suppressed tears and emotions. I felt like a ticking bomb ready to explode and I couldn’t let that happen. So I pushed Brahms’ hand away and without thinking I jumped from the bed and started to run to the door.

I heard Brahms scream my name and “wait” but I couldn’t stop. I felt panic taking over my whole presence and I felt the only way to get rid of it was to run away from it. From all of my own memories, pain and emotions.

I ran downstairs and opened the back entrance in the kitchen. I ran through the passageway, the garden and half of the property.

I only stopped when my lung couldn’t take it anymore. I gasped and held my hand over my chest, feeling my heart wanted to break through it.

After a while when my panic had relieved and I was able to catch my breath, I looked around and realized I was standing at the edge of the forest.

I felt someone appeared a few feet behind me. I knew it was Brahms, who else would’ve it been? He was gasping as well, probably he’d tried to run after me as fast as his wound allowed him to.

I turned around to face him. I couldn’t believe he actually left the house alone during daylight. He really must have wanted to stop me.

We were standing there facing each other and gasping for a while until he spoke.

“Don’t leave me. I’ll be good and won’t ask about him again.” He said in a deep voice.

I saw desperation in his eyes.

He looked confused and hurt. He really thought I was trying to run away from him.

“I wasn’t running away from you, Brahms.” I said. “I was trying to run away from myself.”

We were standing there in silence again, only the sound of nature could be heard.

“He was my brother, Brahms.” I said suddenly. “Daniel was my brother.”

“Was?” Brahms asked carefully after a few seconds.

“He died when I was twelve. He was ten.” I answered, while I started to tremble.

I hadn’t talked about my brother to anyone for such a long time.

“Sorry.” Brahms said.

“You must wonder why I still dream about him after all these years.” I said.

Brahms didn’t say anything.

“I hadn’t for years. But then I saw your headstone and it reminded me of his.” I continued with clenched jaw.

“He was only two years younger than me. We fought a lot but still, since he was born I’d always felt like I needed to protect him from everyone and everything and guide him in life. I was his big sister, you know.” I let out a desperate chuckle as I felt my hands shaking.

“What happened?” Brahms asked. There wasn’t too much emotion on his face but I felt that he was truly interested in my backstory.

I swallowed hard as the memories overflowed me.

“I’m not sure you want to hear the whole story.” I said and I meant it.

“I want to know, Alison. I want to know you.” He said firmly as he walked a step closer.

I hesitated a little but then I started talking.

“My dad was at a meeting and my mom wanted to cook dinner but she missed some ingredients so she went to the supermarket, leaving the two us at home with our little sister who was a baby then. I was supposed to take care of them, Daniel included, I was the oldest. We fought about something stupid as usually so when he asked me to go and play with him outside I said no. He went out alone to the small wooden shed behind our house. What I didn’t realize he took matches with him to burn a candle in there.”

My mouth started to feel dry again as the memories of the most painful day of my life came back.

“He lit the candle and put it next to the shed’s door. We used the place for storing old junk so there were tons of our old school books and notebooks there. I know everyone would say what kind of a stupid idea is to light candles there and why a ten year old would play with fire anyway. But he was just a child and I should’ve taken care of him. I should’ve gone with him and taken the matches away from him.”

Brahms didn’t say anything so I swallowed and continued.

“He probably accidentally pushed the candle or something like that because all those damn paper materials flamed up and since the fire started right behind the entrance door…” My hands started to shake again. “I got over our little fight so I decided to join and play with Daniel but when I got there the shed was already on fire. I knew there was a loose board on the shed’s back wall and I managed to remove it. Daniel probably attempted to do the same as well because he was lying right behind the loose board. But he couldn’t do it, it was too much smoke in there… But I managed to pull him out.”

My voice faded as tears gathered in my eyes. I looked at Brahms.

“He was unconscious. His hands and his face were completely burnt. I… I could see his opened, burnt flesh everywhere on his face.”

I was still fighting against my tears, I tried to hold them back because I simply didn’t want to lose control over my emotions. I was scared that if once I start crying I could never stop it.

I saw Brahms swallowed hard as well, fear spreading in his eyes. I knew he was reliving his own real life nightmare about the fire and getting burnt as well.

“Then a neighbor saw the smoke and called the ambulance. They took him in the hospital but he died a few hours later from breathing in too much smoke.”

“I’m sorry, Alison.” Brahms said.

“It was my fault. I should’ve taken care of him. I was his big sister. It’s my fault he died.” I said. “Everyone thought the same. They never told me but I saw it in their eyes, the way they looked at me. Well, my mom didn’t, she blamed herself. She got depressed and started to talk to his dead son so she ended up in a psychiatry. My dad couldn’t look at me at the same way, he blamed me for what happened, I guess. Or at least at that age I felt like he did. I had been living at my grandparents’ house for a few months and only met my dad when we visited my mom in the mental hospital. It was a horrible place, the scariest place I’ve ever been to, after a while I cried every time before the visits but my dad kept telling me that was the only way I could see my mom. He said I had to be strong for my mom and I couldn’t cry in front of her so I basically had to learn how to control my emotions at the age of twelve. They let her out after six months fortunately but I still feel sick in my stomach if I think about that mental hospital. It was horrible to see my mom there as a child, you know...”

My words faded again as I was fixating at the fallen leaves on the ground. We were standing there in silence until Brahms asked the question I’d been expecting him to ask.

“Do I remind you of your brother?” He asked silently.

“I think you do.” I said as I felt shame taking over on me. “I didn’t realize it until that nightmare though.”

As we were standing there it became pretty obvious that the reason I didn’t even hesitate to help Brahms - even if it meant to cover up a murder - was because he reminded me of Daniel. Brahms’ face burnt as well when he was a child and he seemed so helpless, so insecure, it made me feel responsible for him at the exact moment I saw him. I just felt I needed to protect him from everyone, no matter what.

I also couldn’t let them take him away to a mental hospital since I got that traumatic experience about that place when my mom was locked up there. My rational side knew that those institutes are exactly for helping people but I was never able to get over how horrible and scary it was for child Alison.

I didn’t understand my reasons for protecting Brahms that easily but after my nightmare about his headstone I had to admit that on a subconscious level I started to feel like the whole situation was a second chance for me, given by fate, destiny, the universe or whatever it’s called to do better.

Suddenly everything was crystal clear about why I did what I did for Brahms.

I felt tears rolling down on my cheeks as clarity hit me.

“After my mom came home from the hospital and my parents started to work on making us a family again, things should’ve been at least a little better but they weren’t. Dad became obsessed with the idea of me and my sister getting hurt which I understand now but as a kid I believed he was angry with and upbraided me for everything because he tried to punish me for Daniel’s death. I tried to meet his expectations during my teenager years, I desperately wanted him to love me like he used to but it seemed impossible and he made me feel guilty for every small mistake I made, every single decision I made.”

“But staying in my hometown was the worst.” I continued. “From the day Daniel died we became the poor family who lost a child. Well, you should know how things like that work in a small town. All those gossiping… The blaming, the stigma… I was the death boy’s sister at school from then. I hated how everyone felt sorry for me and I hated they acted like I didn’t hear them talking about me. But I heard everything.”

I couldn’t hold my tears back. They were constantly rolling down on my cheeks and I didn’t try to swallow them anymore. I knew I should’ve stopped and not tell Brahms the memory I was about to tell him but I couldn’t help it.

“Once I heard some people talking a-bout…” My voice was shaking as I started to cry harder. “About how lucky we had been that my brother didn’t survive. Because it was still better to be dead than living with those burnt scars on his face for a lifetime.”

I completely lost it as I relived that memory. All those emotions I believed I’d been over but I’d been only suppressing for years, suddenly broke through. I felt burning rage, grief, shame and helplessness at the same time.

“How can someone say that? How dare they say that?!” I screamed as I started to cry almost hysterically, looking Brahms in the eyes.

He seemed heartbroken as well. His mouth partly open, his green eyes wide and filled with deep sadness. I knew I was hurting him too by telling those words but I couldn’t hold them back anymore.

He lowered his head for a while, I saw shame in his eyes as he took those words on heart.

He looked up at me again and I was pretty sure he didn’t know what he was supposed to do with me to calm me down. But then like an instinct had been found, he walked close to me and pulled me on his chest. I buried my face into his sweater as I grabbed at the material tightly with both of my hands and finally let my emotions overflow me.


	20. Stay with Me Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy late Valentine's Day, guys! :)
> 
> This chapter is much happier than the last one, I promise.  
> I’m not saying I’m not nervous about it though because I am. I'm quite nervous. :D But anyway... Enjoy!

We were standing at the edge of the forest and I was crying on Brahms’ shoulders - more like on his chest because I was too short compare to him - until no tears left. He was holding me and caressing my back in silence.

After I’d calmed down we quietly walked back to the manor. I sat down on the couch in the living room while Brahms was making tea for me.

I couldn’t believe how well he handled the situation and my small mental breakdown. He could’ve freaked out as well, especially because I knew how much my story had hurt him too since it was eerily similar to what had happened to him. But in a miraculous way he stayed calm and even comforted me while I was crying even if he’d never done it to anyone before. I had no idea how that happened but I was impressed with him and also very grateful he didn’t lose it as well.

“Thank you.” I said as he handed me over the steamy mug and sat down next to me.

He sent me a careful smile. It was only the second time I saw him smile and I couldn’t help but smiled back at him.

“Did you make the tattoo for your brother?” He asked.

“Yes.” I answered. “My mom used to tell us every time when we were fighting how we would be best friends when we grow up. The two of us against the world.”

I formed my lips into a grievous smile.

“The number two will always be with me even if he wouldn’t.” I said.

 

The rest of the day was peaceful and quiet. Brahms didn’t go back into the walls, he spent the entire day with me. He didn’t tell me but I knew he didn’t want to leave me alone and I was grateful for that. Although, I demanded him to lie down on the large sofa for a few hours to rest his belly, while I was reading a book for him and cooking dinner.

After that we were playing board games and I was telling him some of my happy childhood memories about my brother.

I hadn’t talked about Daniel since forever. I thought if I pretended he never existed I could fight the grief but it only made things worse for me, not realizing I had a nice amount of repressed pain and guilt inside me. It felt strange but relieving at the same time to finally let those emotions free. Brahms was listening to me silently most of the time, staring at me with his glazed eyes. He mostly didn’t say anything or didn’t have strong emotional reactions but he did listen to me and that was all that mattered for me then.

 

Around bedtime after the usual wound treating routine, we walked into Brahms’ childhood bedroom and I tucked him in with the red covers after he’d found a comfortable spot in his bed.

Suddenly I remembered how his lips had landed on mine the previous night when I kissed him goodnight.

 _“Does he expect me to give the goodnight kiss on his lips again?”_ I wondered hesitantly.

I went with his cheek anyway and he seemingly accepted it as he didn’t try to turn his head like the night before.

“Good night, Brahms.” I smiled at him.

He was looking at me silently with a bright spark in his green, dollish eyes.

“Stay…” He said suddenly.

His word sent a shiver through my body as my heart started to beat faster and the warm feeling appeared in my stomach again.

“Do you want a bedtime story?” I asked naively.

He slowly shook his head.

“You mean then, you want me to stay here for the night? Sleeping beside you?” I asked and swallowed.

He nodded.

I held a few seconds long break before I started talking again. _What do I do now?_

“I think you’re old enough to sleep on your own, aren’t you?” I asked, scolding myself in my mind that I couldn’t come up with something smarter.

“Please, stay.” He said again in a lower tone.

I knew I should’ve said a firm no and leave right away but I felt hypnotized by his gaze.

“I’ll be good.” He promised and I knew he didn’t mean it in a nasty way most adults would. He simply meant he wouldn’t hurt me.

“I know you’re a good boy, Brahms.” I said to him.

His eyes brightened as his childish mind took my words as a strong compliment.

The disturbing innocence in his eyes strengthened my guilt about the warm sensation spreading in my stomach.

I suddenly felt his hand on mine.

“Your hand is so cold, pretty Ali.” He noted.

“I think I’m exhausted both physically and emotionally. It’s been an intense day.” I said, trying to sound factual.

He started to move his thumb on the back of my hand, still looking at me with anticipation in his eyes.

His hand was so warm, it felt nice how his touch warmed up my ice cold hand. In a heartbeat I imagined how warm his hug would feel as curiosity and longing started rising in me.

I yawned and I started to feel cold. I was indeed exhausted.

“Alright.” I said hesitantly.

 _It’s only sleeping anyway._ I thought to myself but one side of me was completely shocked how easily I agreed to get in bed with a man who never had the chance to touch a woman in his entire life and obviously was attracted to me even if he looked innocent and childish at the moment. But I shut the alarming voices in my head screaming at me that I was only asking for trouble.

I pulled the cover away as I climbed into the bed next to Brahms. I looked up at him after he’d pulled the covers on us.

We were lying there, facing each other and looking into each other’s eyes for a minute. He was wearing a simple white t-shirt like every other night, his bare arms touching mine.

I leaned over him and reached for the small lamp on the nightstand on his side and turned the light off, leaving ourselves in darkness, expressing my clear intention to go to sleep finally.

Brahms snaked his arms around me, pulling me close to him. I didn’t try to resist, I placed my arm on his chest and rested my head on his upper arm, while he was still lying on his side, facing me in the dark.

I could smell his musky scent which I was already familiar with around that time. He was incredibly warm and I liked the way his hug was warming up my cold body second by second.

He was nuzzling the hair on the top of my head as he was slowly caressing my lower back. We were lying like that silently in the dark for a while but even if I felt exhausted, yet warm and safe with Brahms’ muscles around me, I couldn’t fall asleep. I knew he couldn’t either, since he was still stroking my back and breathing in and out sharply.

I was gently moving my thumb on his collarbone as I heard his breathing become heavier. He tightened his arms around me.

I suddenly felt his hand sliding under my t-shirt and started to caress my back and waist the same way he did before. I knew his unexpected, advanced reaction should’ve scared me off but for my biggest surprise it did the opposite. Feeling his warm touch on my skin sent an electric sensation through my body, causing my hand to make the move as well.

I gently stroked my fingers on his biceps, shoulder, neck, and finally reached his soft curls.

He let out a silent sigh as he gently pressed his body even closer to mine, then slowly started grinding against me.

I knew what we were doing wasn’t right and I should’ve stopped him. Even if there was nothing childish in the way he touched me and was moving against me, I knew he was just a boy in his head who I felt responsible for and he was disturbed and unstable as well.

But his closeness and his touches felt so good that I felt like a dark, thick fog was sitting in my brain, not allowing me to think rationally anymore. He felt so warm and smelled so nice that I simply couldn’t resist, nor deny the strengthening chemistry between us.

I moved a little so he could hit me at the right spot and slowly started circling my hips against his.

I let out a moan in pleasure which made Brahms’ hand slide down to my thigh and squeeze it, pressing my body harder against his as he let out a moan as well. I pulled my leg up a little and rested it on his hip, so I could feel him harder.

The fact that he was clearly enjoying my closeness even without removing any clothing, doubled my pleasure. I slid my arm from his sweaty hair under his arm, grabbing his shoulder from behind for support as we started to move faster, causing the old bed to constantly make creaking sounds under us.

I let out a moan and squeezed his shoulder harder as he pushed me over the edge by his movements, making me reach my climax.

I was trembling in his arms, pressing my face against his chest, trying to catch my breath.

After a few seconds my body softened and my muscles relaxed.

I felt Brahms was close too, although his harsh grinding felt unpleasant for my already relaxed, oversensitive body.

“Stop it.” I said as gently as I could.

He stopped moving but he let out a confused and even annoyed sigh, not understanding why I had to stop him. He even squeezed my thigh harder, deepening his fingertips in it to express his disagreement.

I tried to move away a little and pull my arm out of under his arm but he held me tight and didn’t let me pull away.

“It’s okay, just let me touch you.” I whispered into the darkness, still holding my face pressed to his upper arm.

My words finally made him loosen his arms around my body, allowing me to move my hand from his back to his chest, then in between us, down to his stomach and lower.

I didn’t intend to leave him that frustrated anyway, that wouldn’t have been fair. I tried to convince myself that was my only reason but deep inside I knew it wasn’t.

I had no clue what had gotten into me but the idea of being the first person ever giving him a hand fed my curiosity and the desire that was burning under my skin to touch him. I knew it wasn’t right but I couldn’t help it, it was the same feeling I felt when I was wondering in the dark forest looking for the manor. The thought of doing something forbidden, crossing the line and being bad made me want to do it even more.

He sighed heavily as I pulled his pyjama trousers and boxers down, only far enough that I could take his length into my hand. I sighed as well and gently bit my own lip as I felt him with my palm, starting to move my hand up and down on him.

I would’ve eagerly played with him for longer but hearing his needy sighs made me feel he wouldn’t have appreciated getting teased anymore.

He pressed his face harder against the top of my head and let out a loud moan as I increased the speed of my movements. Not long after, he squeezed my butt and let out a long, low sigh as I felt him spurting into my fist.

I gave some time for his breathing to slow down, then I wiped my hand in his t-shirt which was already messy anyway. I pulled his trousers up and hugged him close to me. In that moment I couldn’t care less about the mess, I craved his touch even more than before.

He clearly felt the same way as he moved a little to find a more comfortable position, while he was still holding me in his arms. He then rested his face on the top of my head again as I found the coziest spot on his shoulder. I was listening to his now calm heartbeat while he was slowly caressing my lower back until we both fell asleep, holding each other.


	21. Good Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still nervous a little but not as much as before the previous chapter. :D
> 
> I don't know what else to say, I'm very very grateful for every single feedback, kudos, everything, because they keep me motivated to write more.
> 
> Enjoy and let me know what you think about this chapter or about the story itself. :)

I woke up for the sound of twittering birds as the sun was shining through the window. For a second or two, I believed I was still in France where I had been working in a hostel during the summer. I was hugging something warm which felt incredibly relaxing. I kept my eyes closed and enjoyed the moment as I was unbelievably happy, feeling warm, calm and safe.

Then it hit me.

Suddenly all the happenings of the previous weeks came back into my mind, including what had happened the night before.

I realized I wasn’t in France. I was in the UK - more specifically in the Heelshire manor - and the warm thing I was hugging was Brahms’ hard body.

_Damn._

I felt his chest rising up and down in a slow rhythm with my head resting on it and I heard his calm heartbeats. My right hand was still touching his shoulder in the same position as we fell asleep, his arms around me.

I kept my eyes closed. I convinced myself that I can easily pretend last night never happened if I didn’t open my eyes. I didn’t want to face what I had done.

Suddenly I heard Brahms’ sigh and I felt him slowly tilting his head, his chin scouring the top of my head. He’d already woken up as well.

I opened my eyes and wiped the sleepiness out of them as I lifted my head a little so I could face Brahms.

He looked at me too, his light green eyes had a wan shade of pink in them as he just woke up.

I wasn’t quite sure how I was supposed to react. I wanted to jump out of the bed and run away from him and so from my guilty conscious but I didn’t want to leave him there just like that.

“Morning.” I said the most obvious thing I could think of as I sent him an embarrassed smile.

He didn’t say anything, nor did he smile back, he was just staring at me, still holding his arms around me.

“We should get up and, uh… Clean ourselves up.” I said, feeling my cheeks heating up as the memory of Brahms’ warm fluid filling my hand only a few hours ago emerged in my mind, waking up the sleeping butterfly in my stomach.

I tried to move away from him and sit up but he suddenly snaked his arms around me again and pulled me back on his chest, hugging me tight. He leaned his head closer to mine and buried his face into my messy hair, expressing how much he disagreed about breaking the contact.

I was lying there in his arms, letting him hold me, while I was gently fondling his face and hair, wondering how his body could feel so warm. It’s been a while since I was this close to a man, waking up next to someone with strong muscles around me, feeling protected and calm. Although, I didn’t remember anyone ever feeling as warm as Brahms. His effect on me was astonishing, in that moment I felt like I could lie there in his arms forever, careless, safe and warm, even if I felt my guilt rising constantly. The feelings his closeness triggered in me were absolutely shocking to me and the way I reacted to his touches rocked my whole world.

I knew I hadn’t been a saint and had done things before, but it had been always very hard for me to let someone close in a physical way. It didn’t matter how much I partied during the last two years, how many times I got drunk with exciting people from all over the world and how confident I looked when I was talking to people. Most of the time as soon as a guy made the move on me, my “good girl self” took over, dumping him before we could’ve gotten too cozy. It felt like I had a natural alarm system in my brain, not allowing me to have fun with someone.

I strongly believed I had a general fear of intimacy because it made me feel vulnerable and there wasn’t anything else I hated more than feeling vulnerable and weak. I had been like this since forever and I couldn’t really loosen up in the first half of my twenties either.

That’s why I was entirely shocked by my own actions this time. After all those guys I had rejected and all those rules I had set up for myself about acting like a decent good girl, here I was with an unstable man, who I’d known only for one and a half weeks, melting into his arms and climaxing under him, even if it happened fully dressed.

I didn’t understand what was going on, why he had this inexplicable effect on me.

Suddenly Brahms’ hands started off again with wondering on my back, slowly moving down to my butt. I lifted up my upper body so I could look at him.

“Okay, I think we should get out of bed now.” I told Brahms, my voice didn’t sound as firm as I wanted it to sound though.

Like he couldn’t hear what I just said, he continued to move his hand on me, looking deep into my eyes. Then he squeezed my butt gently but not in an innocent way at all.

“What do you want?” I sighed silently as I felt the warm sensation erupting in me. Not that I couldn’t guess what he wanted and I knew I wouldn’t give it to him, but somehow I didn’t want to push him away either.

He made me unsteady, conflicted and ambivalent and I hated that, it completely prevented my brain from working properly and I was incapable of making logical reactions.

In response Brahms grabbed my hips and pulled me on top of him with one firm motion. I pressed my lower arms to his chest for support and not to lose balance by his sudden movement. He then slowly started moving his hips under me, clearly answering my question about what he wanted.

“No, not again.” I sighed, feeling the electric sensation spreading through my body as I could feel Brahms’ excitement growing in between my legs. I let out a moan as I felt his hands under my t-shirt and automatically moved even closer to his body, placing my whole weight on him.

For a second I didn’t understand why he suddenly hissed in pain but then I remembered that the screwdriver incident had happened only less than two weeks ago.

“Sorry.” I said with a remorseful look. “See, you shouldn’t do any heavy activities or move too much. We really need to stop now.”

He slightly frowned at my argument with a tiny playful smile on his face, as he took my words as a challenge.

“ _That’s not what I meant.”_ I thought to myself but the next thing I knew was Brahms pulling up my t-shirt, removing the loose material in a heartbeat from my body. He slightly sat up with me still on top of him and took off his own t-shirt as well in a quick motion.

“Brahms…” I wanted to protest but before I could say anything, he pushed me back on the bed and partly leaned over me.

I let out a whine as he cupped one of my bare breasts and buried his face into the crook of my neck.

“Touch me.” He whispered into my ear.

Like I got enchanted by his words, I stroked my hand on his belly, feeling the bandage with my fingertips, then moved to his hairy chest, earning a moan into my ear.

He was caressing my breasts in gentle but firm motions, carefully discovering every inch of them, clearly enjoying his first time ever touching a woman’s soft humps.

In the meantime he was stroking his lips on my neck and my collarbone. He didn’t leave kisses on me, it was only a gentle stroke I felt, but it caused my body to shiver everywhere I felt his lips on my skin. His hot breath was burning like fire on the thin skin of my neck.

He looked at me with raw passion in his eyes, sliding his hand on the back of my hand and slowly pushed it down to his groin, making it clear what he wanted me to do.

I pulled down his trousers as he cupped my breast again, his warm touch causing me to let out a moan in pleasure.

I knew I was on the edge of losing control over my own desires but I was sure if I crossed a line, I couldn’t look into my own eyes ever again. I didn’t intend to go any further so I eagerly gave the same to him as the night before.

I was using my hand on him again and enjoying the amazingly arousing way he reacted on the grasp of my fist. He lay down, closed his eyes and threw his head back in pleasure, a single growl escaping his lips. His intense reaction made me lean over him and start to kiss his shoulder and the crook of his neck, gently sucking the sensitive skin over and over again, making him sigh louder.

I moved to his ear with my lips, gently biting and kissing it, until he couldn’t take it anymore and released in my hand one more time.

I automatically bit my bottom lip and sent him a playful smile after he’d caught his breath and opened his eyes again. I left a soft kiss on his lips, then got up, quickly put on my shirt and brought some tissues for him so he could clean himself.

I sat back on the bed next to him. As I looked around in the room with all those toys and Brahms’ childhood things around us, my guilt started to come back. Suddenly I was able to think clearly again and all the logical reasons why this was the worst idea ever overflowed my mind.

After Brahms was done with cleaning, he caught my hand, looked at me calmly and started to move his thumb on the back of my hand. He then moved his gaze through my body and I noticed the sparks of longing in his green eyes. I sensed that he still wanted me close to him.

But I knew what we had just done couldn’t happen again.

“See you at breakfast.” I smiled at him and gently freed my hand from his.

I got up and walked out of the room, leaving the shirtless Brahms still lying on his bed.

*

I looked in the mirror after I walked out of the shower. A drop of water was rolling down on my forehead from my wet hair as I looked into my own eyes. A pair of cold, dark blue eyes were staring back at me, not showing any sign of emotions.

I couldn’t believe what I had done. I was trying to summarize how I got that far with Brahms from removing a screwdriver from his belly but I couldn’t see the way there.

_What the hell, we haven’t even kissed…_

On the other hand, I slightly scolded myself in my head that I was just overdramatic about the situation since nothing serious had happened. I didn’t actually cross the line, I didn’t have sex with him.

 _“Don’t be such a child, things like this happen between people all the time. Grow up.”_ I told myself.

But the realization that this must had been a huge deal for Brahms only deepened my guilt.

 _“Did I just use him because I missed a man’s closeness?”_ I asked myself angrily. _“A mentally disturbed guy who was an eight year old in his head? Really, Alison?”_

I wanted to help Brahms to be better but with my actions from earlier I must had only confused him even more. I knew I didn’t want anything from him so I never should’ve done what I’d done. I only made things worse for him.

I couldn’t look into my own eyes anymore so I squeezed the towel around me and walked back to my room.

I dried my hair, put on my light blue ripped jeans and a white t-shirt with a dark blue sweater, took a deep breath and walked downstairs to the kitchen.

I cooked the usual porridge and chopped up two bananas into it, then put it into two white bowls. I took them to the dining room, waiting for Brahms to come down to have breakfast.

He appeared after ten minutes and sat down at the enormous dining table in front of me. His timing was quite good, it took the food around ten minutes to cool off so we could start eating right away.

I still wasn’t used to eating with Brahms. He was quiet and didn’t talk too much during mealtimes either so we were mostly eating silently with his green eyes on me. Sometimes I turned on the gramophone to at least hear some other noise than our chewing.

We weren’t talking to each other this time either, but this time it felt even more awkward. At least for me, I had no idea what Brahms was thinking. I couldn’t recognize anything different about his facial expression than usual.

Brahms was standing at the kitchen table with his arms behind him and staring at me while I was washing our plates. After I’d finished drying the dishes, I turned to him.

“Brahms, we need to talk.” I said. “Let’s go to the living room, okay?”


	22. Let’s Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter for you. I hope you'll like it and it's not too confusing. :)
> 
> Enjoy!

“Brahms, we need to talk.” I said. “Let’s go to the living room, okay?”

Brahms’ eyes narrowed but after some hesitation he followed me. I sat on the couch. He sat down next to me, holding his hands entwined in his lap, looking down at me. I felt tiny compare to him.

“I need to talk to you about what happened… In your bed.” I started firmly but my cheeks rushed with blood again as I remembered how good his touches felt on my body.

I noticed a few purple bruises on the pale skin of his neck, the result of my lips and teeth. I got a little surprised, I didn’t imagine his skin was so sensitive.

Brahms frowned at me because I held a longer break than it was necessary. I’d cleared my throat before I spoke again.

“It cannot happen again.” I said finally in a more explicit tone than I intended to.

Brahms’ eyes narrowed one more time.

“I think it’s better if I sleep in my own bed. Alone.” I continued.

His reaction was pretty bad, it made my guilt much worse than it was before. He looked at me with sad, disappointed eyes like a little child would whose favorite stuffed animal was taken away from him. But then some different kinds of emotions appeared as well, more serious ones. Shades of defiance and anger from getting rejected.

“Wasn’t I good?” He asked, his voice shaking.

His question broke my heart. The conversation was harder than I expected and I realized there might have been bigger problems than I thought and he might have been more clueless and confused than I believed he was. He looked fragile and offended.

I knew he was half a child so I couldn’t talk to him like I would talk to any other man. I also realized he thought he’d done something wrong and that was why he got rejected.

“You were a good boy, Brahms. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay?” I told him in a way I would have talked to a small child which made the words I was about to say incredibly odd, but I knew he needed to hear it. “You made me feel so good last night.”

I saw his look softened, although he still seemed sad and conflicted.

“If you were pleased then why wouldn’t you want to love me and take care of me anymore, Alison?” He asked resentfully.

_Yes, there are definitely bigger problems than I thought._

“I do want to but not like that.” I tried to explain. “It doesn’t mean I don’t want to give you love and take care of you.”

He still looked hurt but now he looked way more confused than before.

“Okay, let’s forget about me and about what I want for a minute.” I said in a determined voice. “I don’t think you need that kind of connection like we had last night. At least not yet, not for now, I mean.”

I saw Brahms frown, he pulled an eyebrow on me like there was a crazy person sitting in front of him. For a moment I believed as well that I was mad for telling a grown man who’d been waiting for getting physical with a woman for at least fifteen years that he didn’t need intimacy. But I reminded myself how dominant his inner child was yet, how insecure, fragile and abused he seemed and I was quite sure that little Brahms was the one who needed to be taken care of first.

Even if Brahms’ man side had those needs, I wasn’t sure how his dominant child self would handle them. I believed if he got engaged in sexual intercourse just yet, his personality could get even more damaged because his man side and childish side would be way more conflicted than now.

 _To find the balance between the two I need to make him believe he’s a man without forcing him to ditch all the childish things he does, I have to handle it naturally. The only way to do it without causing more harm to his disturbed mind is to raise the eight year old boy up._  I didn’t know where this idea had come from, it might had been just an intuition but it seemed logical and I felt like that was my only shot to “heal” him.

I had no clue whether my plan would work or not and how Brahms would react on it. I didn’t know for how long he could hold his desires back but on the other hand, I needed to protect myself as well. My body wanted to give him everything right away in the morning and it scared the crap out of me, I just couldn’t handle the feelings his closeness raised in me. I needed him to take it slow for my own sake as well.

“Look, Brahms.” I told him after I’d taken a deep breath. “I know you’re very smart so I’ll be just honest with you. I’m sure you realized what happened between us is kind of a grown up thing. And I don’t think you’re entirely grown up yet and that’s not your fault. You missed a lot of love in you life and I can give that to you. I’d like to allow you to be a child if that’s what you need for now. But the two things cannot work together, okay? You can’t act like a child and a man at the same time. And... And I know you feel those… grown up desires and I want you to know that’s completely normal and healthy, there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m gonna tell you everything later when the time is right. I promise.”

Brahms was staring at me like he would’ve heard something for the very first time.

I had no idea how much he knew about those “grown up desires” so to speak. I assumed his parents didn’t give him the talk since they made him believe he was a child. On the other hand, they could’ve just given him an educational book for instance, but last night strengthened my suspicion that they didn’t. He was only heavily grinding against me which made me think he didn’t exactly know what else to do.

I obviously couldn’t let him go to the “outer world” without that kind of information and even if I decide not to have sex with him, I knew I would have to tell him everything later.

We were silently looking at each other for a few seconds.

“All I ask is to trust me, alright?” I asked him. “You’re safe with me, Brahms. You’re safe and loved.”

He was clearly hesitated. I knew he felt rejected in some way but on the other hand the fact that I still wanted to take care of him and give him love calmed him down.

I knew the hardest part was only about to come because I had to try the impossible. I had to take care of the little boy but I also had to embrace his man side since I didn’t want him to stay a baby forever, I wanted him to grow into a man. _How will I do these two opposite things at the same time?_

 Brahms finally nodded.

“I trust you, pretty Ali.” He said in his child voice.

 _Whoa._ The creepy child voice gave me the shivers and not the good kind.

“Your natural voice doesn’t scare me, Brahms.” I smiled carefully. It was time for him to at least try to leave the awful forced child voice behind. That was my first attempt to embrace the man in him.

He looked shocked, his green eyes widened.

“I know it scared everyone else but it doesn’t scare me. I actually prefer your deep voice, it’s kind of manly. Which is a good thing.” I promised.

“You prefer this one, Alison?” He asked in his natural, low tone.

“Exactly.” I smiled. “I think it’s nice and I know it’s more comfortable for you. I’d like to hear it more.”

He was still staring at me with a conflicted facial expression but I was pretty sure I recognized a tiny different kind of spark in his eyes. A pale spark of gratitude.

“So… What would you like to do today?” I smiled at him, feeling relieved and mostly satisfied with our talk.

*

The sun had gone down already and I was done with cooking dinner. Brahms was somewhere in his beloved walls, I had no idea what he was doing in there.

I was standing in the study room and staring through the wide window. There wasn’t much that I was able to see from the dark property but staring outside through a window was what I liked to do while my mind was unstoppable about something. I had a thing for windows for sure, staring outside helped me organize my thinking.

My thoughts were bouncing between the happenings of the last two days. My family issues, my dad, Daniel, Brahms… I felt I’d been in an emotional roller coaster which had sucked all the energy out of me. Emotions and I weren’t friends at all, doing everything to avoid them had become my second nature since the age of twelve.

 _“No feelings, no pain.”_ I thought as I turned around and faced the old piano standing right in front of me. I gently stroked my fingers on the top of the over-used keyboard as a tickling sensation spread in my stomach. I slowly sat down on the aged, red piano seat and just stared at the old, yellow keyboard. It looked so inviting. There was something about sitting there and touching the keys that almost felt like home for my soul.

“Hello old friend.” I greeted the instrument silently.

I closed my eyes and started to hum a long forgotten song that leaked out of my memories. I didn’t press any of the keys, I was only stroking my fingertips on the dusty keyboard one more time, in such a tender way like I was afraid that it could be shattered into million pieces by a single touch.

I’d been humming in a smooth voice for a while, keeping my eyes closed and playing with the keys without pressing them. The soft melody pervaded the dead silent manor, leaving an almost haunted atmosphere behind.

I knew _he_ was standing there in the room. I didn’t need to see him with my eyes to know, my intuitions about him had never failed me before. He had that inexplicable effect on me no one had ever had, it was hard to confuse it with any other feelings, especially since the morning. The strange sensation his presence caused in me felt like it wasn’t even from this dimension. It was new, exciting, scary and simply impossible for me to describe.

“Good evening.” I said after I’d stopped humming. My voice was calm and tender as I spoke and opened my eyes finally.

Brahms was standing motionless behind the piano, facing me. He looked like a curly haired shadow in the half light, his glazed eyes were reflecting the light of the small Tiffany lamp next to the wall.

“You have a glowing voice, Alison.” He praised with honest surprise on his face.

I remained silent.

“Can you play?” He asked, pointing to the piano with his gaze.

“I used to play.” I answered. “And sing too.”

“Why did you stop?” He asked.

“Because I grew up.” I said factually.

“Can’t grownups sing and play the piano?” Brahms frowned.

“They can…” I frowned as well. “My parents wanted me to do something more useful instead of music, so I stopped.”

“Too bad.” He said as he bypassed the piano and sat next to me on the wide piano chair. “Play for me.”

“No.” I flinched.

“Why not?” He asked.

“I can’t… I don’t want to.” I resisted, lowering my head. “I suck at music anyway.”

At least that was what my dad used to tell me. After my brother had died he couldn’t bear me singing or playing the piano anymore and when I told him I wanted to pursue music forever, he forced me to stop it and focus on studying something “useful” instead, as he said.

“Your voice while you were humming… You sounded like an angel.” Brahms said in a dreamy voice.

_What?_

I looked at him.

“No, I didn’t. You’re just trying to make me feel better about myself.” I protested in an offended tone.

Now it was his turn to get offended.

“I would _never_ lie to you, Alison.” He said angrily.

I saw the dark, scary spark in his eyes as his hands formed into fists.

“Well… Thank you, Brahms, I trust you.” I told him as I got a little scared of his outrage. “But I won’t play the piano ever and please, respect my decision.”

I stood up from the chair and walked towards the door.

“I used to draw.”

I stopped in the middle of the room as I heard Brahms’ deep voice again.

“And sometimes paint as well.” He added after I’d turned around to look at him. “My parents weren’t pleased with it either.”

“Really?” I asked in surprise.

I shouldn’t have been surprised that he used to enjoy drawing and painting since I knew he still liked hand crafts but somehow it was hard to imagine him as a child with pencils and paints in his hands.

“Indeed.” Brahms answered in a wondering voice. “They had been embracing my activities until…”

“Until what?” I asked.

Brahms was hesitating, probably couldn’t decide if he should tell me or not.

“Until they started to believe it prevented me from playing with other children.” He said finally, lowering his head.

“Didn’t you like to play with other children?” I asked carefully, fearing he would be angry again.

He didn’t answer, he only clenched his lips and the embarrassment was replaced with a dark, sinister look on his face and I saw he was struggling with his anger once more.

He stood up from the piano chair and walked close to me, causing my heartbeats to race wildly. He cupped my face in both hands, looking me in the eyes and breathed in and out sharply.

It felt like ages until he finally talked again.

“Let’s have dinner, pretty Ali.” He said in a calm voice as he caught my hand with a gentle motion and guided me out of the study room.


	23. Naughty Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely love theorizing and writing about how Brahms' psyche would react on Alison's measures and actions. This chapter is mostly about that.  
> As usual, I tried my best to stay true to the Brahms we see in the movie. Enjoy! :)

I never wanted kids. Okay, that was a lie, not never. But since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a few years ago I decided I’d never want to fall in love ever again and I wouldn’t want a family either. I convinced myself I couldn’t find a man anyway who’s weird enough to understand the allegedly unique way my brain worked and strong enough to handle my confidence and stubbornness. So I accepted my fate that I was going to spend my life alone like a lonely but free spirited adventurer, traveling the world, find a new home and new friends time to time but never settle.

My best friend who knew me the most in this entire world told me I was just scared of commitments and permanence. She said I was just scared of letting someone love me and deep inside I knew she was right. But it didn’t matter because I didn’t want to change it. No man, no home and no kids.

But now, here I was with Brahms Heelshire, who had been making me feel every single day I was raising an eight year old on my own. A very naughty one.

Since we’d gotten too close to each other that night and I’d told Brahms honestly how I’d let himself to be a child if that was what he’d needed and he could trust me about it, he actually became more childish than ever. He completely acted like a child the entire day.

He wanted my attention every minute, I couldn’t leave him alone and I couldn’t have any alone time on my own. When I wasn’t reading or telling stories for him, playing with him, or doing housework, he wanted me to hug him, caress him, play with his hair or just hold him in my arms silently. He was surely so in need of love and affection that sometimes I thought there wasn’t enough hours in a day for giving it to him.

But that still wasn’t enough. In his “free time” he still had energy to do some naughty things to surprise me. He was incredibly playful and he started to get on my nerves with it. Things disappeared, then turned up later at the most unexpected spots in the house.

For example he stole my sneakers while I was taking a shower. When I asked him if he saw them he only gave me a cheeky smile. The problem was that the grey sneakers were the only shoes I had so I had to walk in socks in the house all day. I was lucky he didn’t steal my socks because then I would’ve resembled to him walking barefoot everywhere. The next morning my shoes were waiting for me in front of my door.

One evening I finally had some time to lie down with the exciting book I’d found. But when I wanted to get the book from the coffee table where I’d left it, I realized Brahms had changed it for the red velvet covered poetry book that he knew I hated so much. He was already sleeping but I felt the desire to wake him up and drag him out of his bed. Obviously I didn’t, I swallowed my anger and went to sleep. The next day when I walked downstairs he’d already switched the books back but he still had the nerve to ask me with a chuckle if I’d had a good time reading last night.

The worst thing was that he wasn’t just playful but he had anger issues as well and I knew he couldn’t control his emotions when he got angry so I couldn’t get too mad or shout at him. I was scared of his reaction so I never really tried to discipline him.

On the other hand I knew this couldn’t go for any longer. I figured playfulness might have been part of his natural, grown up personality which I didn’t mind at all, but this childish naughtiness had to go. He needed to learn he couldn’t mess with other persons’ stuff and sanity.

 

I walked out of the shower and wiped my wet hair with a towel. I reached for my hairbrush to brush my tangles when I realized it wasn’t there. It wasn’t anywhere in the bathroom more specifically. I knew it was Brahms again so I completely lost my temper as I hurried out to the hall and screamed Brahms’ name. I was so fed up, I even forgot I was wearing nothing but a tiny white towel around me.

It was one of those rare moments when Brahms came from the stairs instead of the walls. He had a playful smile on his face but his innocent eyes widened from surprise when he saw me with only the towel covering me. I was so angry I didn’t realize why he winced until he started to move his gaze up to toe on my body.

“Where’s my hairbrush, Brahms?” I asked as my cheeks rushed with blood.

He didn’t answer. I saw him swallow as he was running his eyes up and down between my body and my angry gaze.

“Do you see this?” I grabbed my long, wet hair and lifted it up. “I can’t dry this amount of hair without that hairbrush you stole, so just give it back.”

He pulled a small defiant smile on me.

“Don’t make me more upset than I am already.” I spat, trying to sound threatening. If there was something people couldn’t mess with, that was my hair.

“Your hair looks fine, pretty Ali.” Brahms chuckled. “But it’s on your bed, waiting for you.”

I hurried into my room and he was telling the truth, my hairbrush was indeed on my bed. He probably put it there while I was in the bathroom.

I took my hairbrush and walked back to the hall. Brahms was standing still in the same position, his arms hanging beside his hips. He had a smug smile on his face because he’d succeeded to fool me again which made me more furious.

“I’m seriously done with your naughtiness.” I told him, walking closer to him, gesticulating with my hand heavily, pointing towards Brahms with the hairbrush. “I spend every minute of my day with you, I do everything you ask me to, you have all my attention and that’s what I get in return? I’m so done. Next time you’ll get punished.”

Brahms frowned at me, rising his eyebrows high.

“You think I’m joking, don’t you?” I asked. “Well, no Brahmsy, be a bad boy one more time and I swear I’m gonna punish you hard.”

The smirk suddenly faded from his face, giving the place to an offended, dark look.

He slowly walked towards me and only stopped when he towered over me. I looked up at him as I heard his heavy breathing, not feeling so confident anymore.

He ran his eyes through my body which made me realize no matter how upset I got, it was obviously a bad idea to play the boss in a tiny towel. I’d already experienced what he was going to do next.

Since the night we’d spent together in his bed, he’d completely separated his childish and his manly side, letting the innocent, childish, needy Brahms rule the day. But occasionally for a few minutes the man took over, succeeding to break through the repression Brahms had locked him into. The man who was just as much in need of love and acceptance as the little Brahms, only a different kind.

So Brahms found me every time it happened and he always did the same thing. He cornered me and towered over me without saying a word, smelling and stroking me, while staring deep into my eyes, trying to show some kind of instinctual male dominance over me.

It scared the hell out of me every single time because I could literally see all those repressed desires and emotions in his eyes. There was something raw and even animalistic in that look, he looked like a predator ready to pounce on his pray.

But the worst thing wasn’t even that. The worst thing was that the sinister look didn’t only made me shake like a bowl of jelly because I was scared but at the same time it also made me feel… Aroused. And I felt extremely ashamed of myself for feeling that way. That wasn’t how a good girl would’ve felt, a good girl would’ve run and never looked back. And I needed to be a good girl in order to be able to control the situation like I’d always needed to.

I was suddenly pushed back to the present moment as Brahms slowly took the end of my messy, wet hair in his hand, lifted it close to his nose and sniffed.

I already tried to explain to him how rude it was to visibly smell someone and gasp into another person’s face but he told me he understood that and he would only do it to me. _Well, good to know._

He placed my hair behind my back and stroked his slender fingers on my bare shoulders and collarbone, keeping his sparkling eyes locked with mine.

“I don’t want to get punished.” He said silently.

“Then don’t be a bad boy.” I told him. “It’s easy.”

“Mummy and Daddy never punished me.” He said. It was crazy how he said those words a child would say but there wasn’t any sign of innocence in his eyes at that moment.

“They should have.” I had no idea how I got the nerve to talk to him that way but I couldn’t help myself. “Maybe you wouldn’t be such an entitled, naughty boy then.”

He steadily slid his palm under my neck and held it there, digging his fingertips into my skin over my collarbone. He slowly pushed me to the wall until my back was pressed against it. He was holding me there, looking deep into my eyes and breathing heavily into my face, pressing his body against mine. I kept the eye contact and tried not to blink constantly.

He leaned closer to my head and slowly stroked his lips down on my face until he reached my neck. He buried his face into the crook of my neck, pressing his nose and his lips against it, without moving. My knees started to tremble as I felt his heavy, hot breath on my skin and smelled the musky scent leaving his pores. There was a spark deep inside me, growing second by second, making me yearn for those lips to start moving on my neck.

My hips automatically wanted to get pressed harder against his but I forced them not to. I could sense how much Brahms was struggling not to lose control over his needs and I knew that the tiniest instinctual sign of surrender from my side could make him destroy the walls he’d built up to keep the raw desires inside.

So I just stood still without a hint of a move being made, breathing in and out sharply together with him.

After a while he pulled away and looked down at me again. I saw that the hunger partly faded from his eyes and I knew it was over for now, he was in control.

He slowly tilted his head on one side and a pale shade of shame appeared on his face.

“I’ll be good.” He promised with a nod and slowly let go of me.

He then turned around and hurried back to the stairs.

“I know you’re good, Brahms.” I said to his back, still under the effect of the previous heated moments. “You’re so nice most of the time and you already learned so much. I’m very proud of you, I hope you know that.”

I already realized praising him made wonders, it motivated him to do better, probably since he hadn’t gotten any compliment face to face from anyone.

He only turned his head back over his shoulder, while he was still showing his back to me. He was standing in the same position for some more seconds, looking like he was thinking about something important. Then without saying a word he left, walking down the stairs, leaving me alone in the hall with the hairbrush in my hand and the small, white towel around me.


	24. Pink Marshmallow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be a little boring, it's mainly about clothes. But I wanted to write a bathrobe into the story (you'll understand after you read the chapter) for future plans. (Yes, I know I'm weird. :D)
> 
> Enjoy! :)

I couldn’t deny that I was in a desperate need of some new pieces of clothing. I had a lot of stuff in my bedroom back home in Finland but since I’d moved away and changed countries quite often I got used to owe only the most crucial things. I also learned how not to clung to objects and only keep things I really needed. When I decided to travel from France to the UK the end of August, I sold and donated most of my things so I could move only with a backpack.

I still had everything I needed, although some of my clothes had become overused and some even ripped. My style was quite simple, I mostly preferred neutral colors, simple t-shirts, shirts, loose sweaters and jeans. When I was in a girly mood I wore my prettier shirts or just tried a different hairstyle with my long, light brown hair. Many people told me that I would’ve looked so pretty in girlier cloths and heavy makeup because of my feminine looking face and long hair but I didn’t really care about others’ opinion, I just wanted to feel comfortable with my style.

I hadn’t worried too much about my clothes since most of my t-shirts were still pretty new, until one day Brahms asked me why my blue sweater had a huge hole on it over my elbow. I felt embarrassed as I realized the hole was bigger than the last time I had checked. As I looked at myself in the mirror I realized my dark blue jeans were worn over the knee area as well. Other than that I only had my light blue ripped jeans, a pair of grey sweatpants and black yoga pants which three were new and in good condition at least.

Brahms recognized the embarrassed look on my face so he assured how much he liked me in those black yoga pants. Although, I was quite sure he liked them so much only because they were pretty tight, emphasizing my butt area.

He told me I should buy some new clothes if I wanted to but that made me feel even more embarrassed. _How could I let a man buy me new cloths? Moreover, a man who I’m not in any close relationship with at all. We are not a family or a couple or something like that._ It was already too much for me if I thought about the fact that he was feeding me and I was living under his roof.

On the other hand, I realized I didn’t have any other choice than taking Brahms’ offer since I wasn’t going to leave him and find a job too soon so I could afford buying new stuff for myself.

So the next time Rose visited me with the groceries, I asked her if she could order me some cloths. She said yes and informed me that the Heelshires had agreements with other kinds of shops too and I was basically free to ask for anything.

Anything, except toys because the Cribbs family owned the toy shop in town and the Heelshires didn’t have a smooth relationship with them. I had no idea why she mentioned it to me, why would I want to buy toys or why would I care about the relationship between Brahms’ parents and that Cribbs family, but I didn’t attach much importance to the question so I just nodded with a polite smile.

I asked Rose to get me two pairs of jeans, two sweaters, long sleeved shirts, a warm scarf and some oversized men’s t-shirts. I told her the t-shirts would be my sleepwear but in reality we discussed with Brahms that he needed some new simple t-shirts as well and we figured I could simply say to Rose those would be for me as well. I actually found it really scary what a great team we made with Brahms every single time when we needed to trick people.

I also put a long bathrobe on the list for myself, not to make the mistake again to come out of the bathroom in a small towel.

 

I thought it would take at least a week to get the delivery so I was really surprised when I heard the doorbell ring two days later.

 “So I’ve got everything from the list.” Rose said in an enthusiastic voice, she looked cheerful and energetic as always.

“Has someone ever mentioned you’re a superhero?” I asked her gratefully as we placed the paper bags on the kitchen table.

“Not really, but I take it as a compliment.” Rose laughed, her round face looking even kinder.

“Seriously, thank you so much, I don’t know what I would do without your help.” I smiled.

“I know it must be hard to be the new girl in town and adjust all the new things, so it’s my pleasure to help.” She said.

I smiled at her.

“Won’t you try them on to see if they fit well?” She pointed to the jeans and the sweaters I held in my hands, checking them.

“Now?” I asked in surprise.

“Of course, so I could bring them back to change them if they don’t fit.” She answered, visibly not understanding my hesitance. “C’mon, don’t be shy.”

I automatically pulled my lips into a grimace, imagining that Brahms is watching us right now from inside the walls.

“I can leave you while you’re trying them on if you want.” Rose told me carefully, believing I was just extremely shy.

I anxiously moved my eyes through the kitchen. Rose turned around her head as well.

“We’re alone aren’t we?” She asked with a confused smile.

“Yeah, of course we’re alone, I just…” I felt how my cheeks heated up from lying her again. “I just still haven’t gotten used to this huge house, sorry. Feeling someone’s watching me all the time and things like that, you know how it works in these old buildings.”

I tried to sound casual and funny and even waved with my hand as it was an insignificant matter.

“Okay, no wonder, this house is creepy.” She chuckled.

I smiled anxiously as I changed my yoga pants to the new black jeans, making sure my butt was pressed against the kitchen counter so it couldn’t be seen from the walls.

Fortunately all the pants and sweaters fit well and I liked all of them very much.

“Okay, so about the bathrobe…” Rose started after I changed back my old pants. “I know you wanted a long, simple one but that’s actually all the shop got in women’s size right now.”

She made a regretful face as she opened the last bag, taking out a pink fluffy something from it.

“Oh.” I said, my blue eyes widened as I saw my new robe. It looked extremely soft but the thing that freaked me out was the color. It was that Barbie pink color I could imagine a five year old would wear.

“Yeah, I figured pink isn’t really your color.” Rose said.

“Indeed… But I’m opened for new experiences.” I said jokingly, worrying more about the shortness of the robe, it was seemingly over knee length.

“Good.” Rose laughed at my joke. “So I need to go if you found everything fine with the delivery. But I’ll be back with groceries next week.”

“Everything’s great, thank you very much for helping me.” I said, walking her out.

 

I spent the rest of the day doing laundry because I hated to wear new things without washing them first. I loved the scent of freshly washed cloths.

Around bedtime I was checking myself in the old mirror in the corner of my room. I was wearing my grey knee length sweatpants I’d been using as sleepwear and I put on the soft pink bathrobe over my t-shirt to see how it looks on me.

The color was something between baby pink and harsh pink. I found it ridiculous on me, pink really wasn’t my favorite color and it was thick and extremely fluffy. It looked like it belonged to a life size Barbie doll. I saw my reflection slightly blush about how girly I looked in it, my cheeks now resembling to the color of the bathrobe.

 _“I look like a giant candy-floss.”_ I noted but decided I needed to make friends with the cute pink softness anyway so I hadn’t taken it off before I went to Brahms’ room.

Brahms was already in bed, waiting for me. He frowned with a smirk on his face as he saw me in my new robe. I tried to pretend there wasn’t anything different about me and sat on his bed, ignoring his smug.

“Would you like to hear a bedtime story?” I asked with poker face but I felt my cheeks were getting pink again. I hated that I blushed so easily all the time and couldn’t do anything about it.

Brahms nodded so I told him a story I’d heard when I was a child.

Instead of reading, I had told him stories and some old Finnish fairy tales during the last week. I adored tales and how children were listening to them with huge eyes when I’d been a nanny. I liked telling tales from my memories better than reading because it was a better opportunity for interacting with the kids. After getting to know their personalities I could choose them the kind of stories I believed they’d like and need to hear the most.

It worked well on Brahms as well. I mostly asked his opinion about the moral of the tale I told him and sometimes we even had a discussion about it.

I didn’t even realize he’d been stroking the soft material of my bathrobe in between his fingers probably during the whole story. He suddenly let out a small chuckle as he was wondering over the pink thing with his glazed eyes, touching the sleeve of my bathrobe.

“What is it?” I asked.

“You look like a large pink marshmallow.” He chuckled.

“Do you like marshmallows?” I asked not only to make him talk to me and build up a conversation but also because it was hard for me to imagine Brahms pecking at pink marshmallows in his creepy lair. I grinned as well as I tried to create the scene in my head.

“I do.” He answered in a bit higher voice, frowning a little. “I only ate them once though. I can’t remember how they tasted exactly. Only the sweetness in my mouth.”

His words sent a shiver down my spine. It was just weird listening to Brahms’ childhood memory. He’d never told me anything like that before, except when he’d mentioned how he used to like drawing and painting. Not like marshmallows should be part of children’s diet too often but I found it sad that he only got the chance to eat them once in his entire lifetime. That memory must’ve made him wonder about something because he was looking away from me with a slightly confused look.

“Didn’t your parents give you sweets sometimes?” I asked carefully, looking for any small reaction in his behavior.

He still looked like he was lost in his memories but started to look anxious as well.

“Sometimes. When I was a good boy.” He answered silently. “But they didn’t like when I ate too much of them.”

“Fair enough.” I said. “Did _they_ give you the marshmallows that one time?”

“No.” He answered after some hesitation.

My heart was beating faster as I knew I was walking on thin ice asking him about his childhood. _One wrong question and I could end up on the floor again with Brahms on top of me._

“My aunt.”

I raised my eyebrows from surprise. _Does Brahms have an aunt?_

“You have an aunt?” I asked.

He looked at me and I saw that his doll-like eyes narrowed and I knew that was it for today, no more questions were allowed.

I was somewhat shocked by the new information. It was so hard to imagine Brahms had any family other than his parents. _Is she the sister of his mother or father? Or does one of his parents have a brother and Brahms refers to the brother’s wife as his aunt? Is she alive or dead? If she’s alive where is she?_

Only that tiny piece of information rose so many questions in my mind and I was wondering how many others I would have if I knew more about this mysterious family.

I suddenly fell back into reality as Brahms pulled me on his chest in a quick, unexpected motion and snaked his arms around me.

“You’re like a giant stuffed animal.” He said cheerfully. “So fluffy.”

“I can give it to you and you can hug it anytime.” I said, talking about the robe.

“I like it better on you, pretty Ali. And I can hug you anytime while you’re wearing it. ” He answered.

I only made a humming sound as an answer.

I was lying in his arms silently for another minute and then pushed myself up from his chest.

“Okay now, it’s time to sleep.” I said as I leaned back to him to kiss his cheek like I’d done every night. “Good night.”

“Good night.” Brahms said with a tiny smile, letting go of the sleeve of my robe.

I turned off the light, closed the door behind me and walked back into my room while I was wondering if I could ask Rose to bring some marshmallows with the groceries next time.


	25. Painting and a Forced Bubble Bath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone!  
> I hope you're having a great weekend and I can add a little extra smile to your Saturday with this chapter. Or, if you're weekend isn't that happy then maybe cheer you up a little.  
> Either way, I hope you'll like it. Enjoy! :)

“What’s wrong with the weather?” I asked Brahms.

We were in the living room, I was curling up in the corner of the huge sofa, while Brahms was lying on his side comfortably, resting his head in my lap, his eyes closed. I was lazily stroking the dark, messy curls on the top of his head, while I was staring outside through the window.

The October weather clearly decided to go insane because despite of the previous rainy days, an unusual warm front hit the UK, causing a strong confusion in the autumn nature. There was almost like a spring weather, as sunshine warmed up the room.

“I don’t know.” Brahms answered, still keeping his eyes shut.

“Why are we sitting inside the entire day when it’s such a nice sunny weather?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” Brahms repeated, enjoying the pampering motions of my fingers in his hair.

We were both lazy and sleepy, the sudden rising of the temperature made our brain foggy and slow.

“Okay, that’s it.” I yawned. “We’re going out.”

“Are we?” Brahms asked with disbelief in his voice as his eyes finally opened up.

“Yeah, let’s go.” I said, gently spanking his shoulder to urge him to get up.

 

A few days ago I went down the basement to find some new candles when the power went out again. In the same room the candles were sorted, I found a pack of giant cardboard and a paint kit for children. I told Brahms we should paint something together one day and he liked my idea.

I remembered he told me he used to love drawing and painting as a child. Besides, I knew these activities can have a positive therapeutic effect on people, especially on kids, so I figured it might help him to express his suppressed emotions.

Now that the weather was so nice, we decided to paint outside in the fresh air. We went to the garden behind the house, laid down a huge grey blanket on the grass, put the cardboards and the painting kit and tools on it and we just started to express out creativity.

Luckily we didn’t need to wear our coats, we were wearing our old sweaters only. I obviously didn’t take the activity too seriously, I was just randomly painting different colored splotches on the huge paper, but Brahms was much better than me. He tried to paint the oak ahead of us and it didn’t look perfectly professional but he managed to mix the proper colors of the autumn leaves and in the end it looked very much similar to the real tree. I praised him a lot and I meant it, he was pretty good with it.

I was sitting in tailor seat, Brahms was reclining on his elbow with a paintbrush in his hand, while we were just painting silly colorful shapes on a clean cardboard together. He looked cheerful and seemingly enjoyed himself. He smiled quite a lot and seemed light and carefree like I’d never seen him before. I was proud of myself, it was a good idea to go outside and paint.

Brahms was playing with a paintbrush after he plunged it into water and then deep into a bowl of grass green paint. He pulled the brush too quickly out of the green liquid, causing a part of it to accidentally splash on my face and braided hair.

I flinched from surprise as I felt the paint splashing on my skin. I looked at Brahms, my eyes widened automatically.

“Oops.” He said with a regretful smile.                                                                  

_Oops? That’s it? He doesn’t even apologize?_

I made a humming sound and harshly frowned at him as I felt the cold paint running down on my forehead and cheek.

“Well, well, well…“ I grinned. “You shoot on a woman’s face and all you can say is oops… You’re becoming a typical guy day by day.”

“Why does it make me a typical guy?” Brahms asked as he chuckled at the view of my green face.

“You might understand one day.” I grinned as he reached to my face and started to smudge the green stuff on my skin with his thumb, while he was constantly smiling at me with a playful look in his green eyes.

I should’ve felt bad for making dirty jokes he couldn’t understand but I just enjoyed the situation too much and found it hilarious. He was so clueless that broke my heart but made him a perfect target of my dry sense of humor. I had to admit I found his naive reactions kind of adorable.

“Seriously?” I asked because he started to draw on my face with his thumb, still smudging the green paint. I could only imagine how I must’ve looked like but I somehow visualized Shrek in my head.

But it wasn’t enough for Brahms, he threw the paintbrush away and plunged his index finger into another bowl and continued to draw on my forehead with a fuchsia color, while he was letting out small chuckles again and again.

“Okay, Mr. Artist, you think I can’t fight back?” I asked jokingly and I plunged three of my fingers into the green paint and slowly stroked them through Brahms’ whole face and chin.

For revenge he plunged his fingers into all of the bowls one by one, getting a disgusting mixed color all over his fingers.

“No, no, no! Leave me alone!” I screamed and laughed at the same time, trying to move away from him but he was faster and the whole thing landed on my hair, face and cloths.

He chuckled again, as I tried to wipe the thick layer of paint with my hand, making it even messier.

“You’re gonna pay for this, Brahmsy.” I grinned playfully and jumped on him, trying to blend all the colors on him.

We’d been playing for a while, having a “paint fight”, laughing and screaming until we both were completely breathless. Brahms was lying on his back on the messy blanket and I was leaning over him, my lower arms resting on his chest and shoulders, while we were trying to catch our breaths.

“You look stunning, pretty Ali.” He said jokingly.

“Just like you.” I chuckled.

We were staring at each other silently, Brahms was moving his thumb on my upper arm and I was playing with a single dark brown curl around the nape of his neck. I’d already seen him laugh a few times before, but I’d never seen him this cheerful and careless. His light green eyes were sparkling from joy and his lips were formed into a wide grin. He had such a nice smile even with all the different colored paints on his face that I couldn’t help but smile back at him constantly.

I rolled my eyes down to his lips and I noticed he had a little fuchsia color on his lower lip. Without any hesitation I cupped his chin and slowly started to rub his bottom lip with my thumb to wipe the paint. I’d gotten used to touching him during the previous weeks since he wanted me to hug him and stroke him half of the day. That was why I hadn’t even realized how intimate my current action had been until I felt with my lower arm on his chest how his heart started to beat faster, his gaze falling down to my lips as well. I looked back up at him and I saw the pupils of his eyes expand as he was fixating my lips. I suddenly remembered how he pressed those lips against mine around two weeks ago. So much had happened since then.

I swallowed as I stopped moving my thumb, then placed my hand back on his shoulder.

“Mummy had never been fond of me getting messy.” Brahms said after he’d looked me in the eyes as well.

“She preferred you clean and dressed in a suit, I suppose?” I asked as I remembered the enormous painting in the staircase about little Brahms and his parents.

“I disliked wearing those suits so much.” He looked embarrassed as he spoke.

“Most kids hate suits and uniforms, I guess.” I told him. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Brahms. We all have free will to decide about things we like and hate, you know?”

He was silently wondering over my face with his pretty eyes.

“There’s nothing wrong with getting messy. All kids need that sometimes.” I convinced him.

“Well, it was a pleasure getting messy with you, Alison.” He answered.

His words made me smile again.

“Shall we go back inside?” I asked. “It’s getting cold now.” It was late afternoon and the sun wasn’t shining piercingly anymore and I started to feel chilly in my sweater.

We packed everything inside and decided to have a shower because we had paint everywhere on our face, hair and hands. I assumed Brahms had a bathroom or at least a bathtub somewhere in his lair because he’d never really used the bathroom in the hall. He was mostly pretty clean though which was definitely good news since I remembered how dirty he had been when we’d first met.

After I’d been done with my shower, got dressed and dried my hair, I opened my bedroom’s door and saw that Brahms was standing in front of it, probably waiting for me to get ready. He’d changed his clothes but I noticed he definitely hadn’t washed himself properly. A part of his face was still green, so was his messy hair.

“Brahms, why are you still covered in paint?” I asked him.

“I’m not.” He said hesitantly.

“Yes, you are.” I insisted. “Why didn’t you wash yourself properly?”

“Because I already did it in the morning. I also washed my hair then. I didn’t want to do it again.” He said like I was the crazy one for asking it.

I burst into laughter.

“But you’re green, you silly boy.” I told him. “How are you planning to go to bed covered in paint?”

Brahms gave me a shrug.

“You can’t sleep in your clean sheets like this.” I said. “Go, wash yourself properly, including your hair.”

“I don’t want to.” He said, making a grumpy face.

I couldn’t believe he was having a tantrum about a shower. I couldn’t believe he was having a tantrum at all, he’d never really had one before.

“You told me I wouldn’t have to do anything I didn’t want, Alison.” He said.

“Yeah, but there’s a logical reason why you still need to do it in this case. Your face and hair would color your nice, red sheets. You wouldn’t want that, would you?” I explained. “Go to the bathroom and take a shower so we can eat dinner finally.”

“No.” He shook his head, causing his partly green curls to bounce around his face.

It was kind of hilarious how this tall, manly looking guy with his hairy chest and stubble was having the most childish tantrum about taking a shower. I knew I had to discipline him since his parents never had done that. _That should be part of raising a child, doesn’t it?_

“Go to the bathroom, Brahms.” I said in an explicit tone. “If you don’t tend to clean yourself, then I will, but you can’t go to bed like this anyway. End of discussion.”

He was staring at me with the grumpiest face I’d ever seen in my life, but then he started to look slightly embarrassed as well.

He lowered his head and walked into the bathroom silently.

I followed him, leaving the door open since there wasn’t anyone else in the house. I turned on the tap and poured bubble bath in the bathtub. I loved the scent, it smelled like a mixture of peaches and vanilla.

Brahms was standing in the middle of the bathroom, holding his hands behind his back.

“Take off your clothes.” I urged him.

He looked away from me with an embarrassed look on his face.

“Are you shy?” I asked in surprise.

He lowered his head and slightly nodded.

“Come on, I’ve already…” I started with a confused chuckle but I didn’t finish my sentence. I wanted to say that I’d already seen him naked but I wasn’t sure it would’ve been a wise choice to bring up the topic.

Brahms looked up at me again shyly, waiting for me to finish what I’d started to say.

“I’ve been taking care of you for a while.” I said finally.

He hesitantly started to take off his clothes and I turned away, facing the door to give him the privacy that he seemingly needed.

After I’d heard the plashing sound of the water as he sat down in the bathtub, I turned around, moved the chair next to the tub and sat down. I turned off the tap, making sure the water didn’t reach Brahms’ wound.

Brahms was sitting between the bubbles silently, hugging his knees to his chest, still with a timid look. He had paint on his face, hair, on one side of his neck and on his shoulder too as the green liquid had flowed under his sweater as well.

I let out a sigh.

 _“I’ve done way more disturbing things since I’ve stepped inside the Heelshire manor than bathing Brahms.”_ I thought as poured the peaches and vanilla bubble bath on his curls.


	26. Punishment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the new chapter and I think it's quite a milestone in Brahms' improvement. ;)
> 
> Kudos and any feedback make me very happy but I'm sure you already know that. :)
> 
> Enjoy!

I was massaging the peaches and vanilla bubble bath into the dark curls in front of me.

I gently pushed Brahms’ head back to be able to wash the now green froth out of his hair with the help of the movable shower head.

I knew I was being ridiculous but I used some of my deep moisture conditioner on his hair, having an anticipating smug on my face. I was so curious to see if it was possible to make those curls any softer. Brahms didn’t protest against any part of the process, I was pretty sure he enjoyed being taken care of by me.

I took a white sponge and washed his shoulders, neck and face with it. It was a little hard to clean the right side of his face thanks to the unevenness of his scarred skin but I managed to make his whole face colorless and clean again.

Brahms was following my every move with his gaze, seemingly being pleased with my actions, although he was still timidly hugging his knees to his chest.

I needed to clean his nails with a brush as well because they were green, pink, purple and brown from all the paints.

The whole situation - washing a grown up man who would’ve been perfectly capable of doing it by himself - was something I should’ve found odd and disturbing but surprisingly I didn’t. It almost felt natural after I’d been taking care of this baby man for weeks now.

I even helped him shave. The bathroom must have been a guest bathroom or something because I found all these untouched toiletries in there, ready for someone to use them. I chose a raiser and shaving gel for Brahms and technically shaved his face. I’d never done it for a man before and it was weird first, my movements were clumsy but I was very careful not to cut him and in the end I did a quite decent job.

After I’d finish, I gave him a towel and left him alone in the bathroom to dry himself.

*

The next afternoon we decided to play a round of Ludo which we hadn’t played for a week then. I used to play it with Daniel and my parents so it brought up some nice old memories from my childhood before everything turned into a total disaster.

We were sitting at the kitchen table, I was packing out the tokens, dices and the board, while Brahms was fixating me with his gaze. I saw anticipation in his eyes which I didn’t quite understand. He hadn’t seemed this excited when we’d played board games before.

But when I opened the board I realized what he was waiting for. All the fields which had been originally white were now painted light blue. Brahms had painted them probably and he was waiting for my reaction to see the new design of the Ludo board.

“You can’t be serious.” I told him in a sarcastic voice. “That’s the best mischief you’ve got? Painting the Ludo fields blue?”

“It looks nice, don’t you think, Ali?” He asked with wondering eyes. “I can’t imagine how this color would look on your nails though.”

_Wait a second… This baby blue color looks exactly like the color of my one and only nail polish._

“Brahms…” I started with gritted teeth. “Tell me this is not what I think it is.”

He was staring at me with innocent eyes but I knew he was very much guilty.

I stood up angrily and hurried upstairs to my room to check if my nail polish was missing. I found it exactly where I left it but half of it was missing and the bottle was covered in baby blue on the outside as well, clearly someone had failed to use it as carefully as it should’ve been used.

_That’s it. I can’t take it anymore._

I hurried back downstairs with the nail polish in my hand, gasping in anger.

Brahms was still sitting at the table, having a small smirk on his face.

“Why?” I asked.

The table made a sharp, knocking sound meeting the glass material of nail polish bottle as I placed it in front of Brahms in not a well-mannered way at all.

“I was bored.” Brahms shrugged.

“Bored?” I asked between my teeth as I felt rage was building up in me even higher. “After I spend every minute of my day with you?”

He was blinking with his doll-like eyes, trying to look innocent. But he didn’t fool me this time.

I leaned closer to his face to look threatening, although I knew how ridiculous this scene would’ve looked for an outsider since I was only an inch higher in standing position than Brahms who was sitting on the chair.

“You’re in big trouble, baby boy.” I told him silently.

“Why would I be in trouble?” Brahms frowned, looking slightly confused by his new nickname.

“Remember what I promised you when you hid my hairbrush?” I said slowly. “I think I have to punish you this time.”

Brahms frowned at me again which only pissed me off even more. I hated when someone didn’t take me seriously.

“I’m serious, Brahms. Bad boys deserve punishment and you were a bad boy.” I said and I saw his eyes narrowed. “You need to learn that your actions have consequences which you have to take responsibility for.”

“Fine, I’ll be good.” He nodded.

“Oh, I bet you will. But I’m still gonna punish you now.” I told him in an explicit voice. “Stand up and go to your room.”

I pointed to the kitchen entrance with my index finger automatically. My heart was pounding because I knew how bad I could end up if my little experiment didn’t work out well, but I stayed determined and listened to my instincts.

“No.” He shook his head, causing his extremely moisturized curls to bounce side to side. His voice was deep and husky and I saw he finally believed how serious I was about punishing him.

“I said, stand up and go to your room!” I raised my tone a little but made sure I didn’t lose control over my rage and didn’t shout at him.

Brahms’ eyes widened, his lips partly separated, I saw he finally understood I wouldn’t let him get away that easily.

He slowly stood up from his chair and I placed my palm on the middle of his wide back to urge him to walk outside from the kitchen. We walked upstairs, I was striding behind Brahms. After we had walked into his old bedroom he stopped in the middle of it and turned around to face me.

I saw him swallow and look at me anxiously, not knowing what was going to happen and what his punishment would be. I saw a different spark in his eyes as well, which looked very similar to… _Fear?_

“Sit down.” I demanded while I was standing in front of him.

He hesitated for a few seconds and swallowed hard but then he did as I said. I ignored the fact the top of his head still reached my navel height as he was sitting in tailor seat on the floor, looking up at me.

“I’m gonna go do laundry and clean the kitchen, I’ll be back around in an hour.” I started, somehow feeling the importance of letting him know I wasn’t going to leave him. “You’re going to sit here in silence and think about what you did wrong.”

Brahms was staring at me, he looked grumpy and huffish but also frightened that this time he was really about to get disciplined.

“And don’t you dare leaving this room until I come back for you, do you understand? Not even through the walls.”

He nodded, while he was following me with his gaze until I closed the door behind me.

I didn’t intend to go downstairs to do laundry and cleaning. I sat down on the stairs and waited, my heart still racing. I didn’t know what was going to happen but I was terrified. I knew Brahms had never been disciplined, at least not since his parents had hid him inside the walls. I knew he was indulged and entitled which was crazy because on the other hand he didn’t get any love and affection face to face either. I also knew how sensitive he was about hearing what a bad boy he was. I had no idea how he would react on getting punished by me but I had a few versions in my mind, all of them quite scary.

And I wasn’t mistaken.

I jumped in my sitting position as his low tone scream pervaded the building, following by a sinister sound like something was harshly thrown against the wall.

I grabbed at the stair railing in fear like it would’ve given me some kind of support and safety. I clenched my eyes, wishing it all away, while I was listening to the frightening sounds coming from behind Brahms’ door. The sound of heavy objects meeting the walls as he destroyed his room.

A single teardrop left my eye as I literally heard him growl and cry out loudly. I felt like the whole floor trembled under me every single time something hard reached the walls. One of them was probably his fist.

I was scared, shaking as I imagined what he could do to me with that strength and rage if he left the room right now. I’d never seen him losing control over his emotions that much. All I could do was hoping he’d still stay inside his room.

Then suddenly it was all over. I was breathing heavily, still squeezing the rails as everything silenced again. I pressed my forehead to the back of my hand and sighed in relief, although I was still scared. The whole outrage didn’t last longer than a few minutes but it felt like at least an hour for me.

I waited for another ten minutes, hugging my knees but no noise could be heard from the room. I silently dragged myself down on the stairs but instead of doing the housework I’d wanted to, I made a tea and tried to calm myself down.

It was scary but still not that bad as I expected.

Even if his parents had been organizing their days around Brahms as I figured from his schedule, he was probably still craving their attention and affection all the time because he’d never gotten much directly. Since they’d been scared of their son becoming a man, I was pretty sure they liked when Brahms was quiet and didn’t show any sign of being around in the walls. And when he did so, they probably praised him what a good behaving boy he was. So for his damaged psyche “accusing” him with being a bad boy is one of the worst thing for him to hear because that meant he wouldn’t get love even indirectly. With this knowledge I assumed he would lose it once I’d really try to discipline him but it had to happen anyway.

I had another theory about the man in him who certainly looked at me as a woman. Getting punished by me must’ve been extremely humiliating for his grown up side.

These two reasons could’ve been enough to react with an outrage. No wonder he reacted the way he reacted and I couldn’t be angry with him for it.

After the one hour had passed, I walked upstairs and with a deep sigh I slowly opened his door.

The room looked pretty bad, it was basically trashed, everything was thrown away from the shelves, his table was upside down, all the toys and stuff were scattered on the floor. Except Brahms, the doll. He was still sitting on the rocking chair at the radiator, the glazed eyes staring into nothingness.

Brahms was sitting on the floor in the middle of the room exactly where I told him to sit, hugging his knees. He looked up at me, his eyes reflected sadness, guilt and a touch of shame from humiliation, which proved that I was right about how he felt about his punishment.

I sat down on the wooden chest at the bottom of the bed. Brahms followed me with his gaze.

“Are you alright?” I asked him silently.

He slightly nodded.

“Do you know why’d you get punished?” I tried to use a gentle voice as I talked to him.

He nodded again.

“Because I took away your nail polish and painted the Ludo board with it.”

It sounded ridiculous as he summarized the reason he got disciplined but I ignored it and tried to handle the situation as a very serious mischief.

“And because I’ve been naughty lately.” He added in a shaky, high-pitched voice. It resembled to the forced child voice he used to use a little, although he didn’t really talk like that anymore which I was very glad about.

“Exactly.” I said. “Your punishment is over now. I hope you learned from it.”

He looked at me again, now he seemed a little grumpy as well.

“You know that I… Love you, right? That’s why I’m trying to teach you how to behave around other people.” I said.

I didn’t remember when the last time had been I told someone I loved them. It was a hard term for me to use and I’d always treated it carefully.

Brahms slowly slid his body closer to mine as he was still sitting on the floor and leaned to me for a cuddle. I hugged him back and started to stroke his hair, suppressing a smile at his exceptionally soft curls, the result of my hair conditioner. I left a kiss on the top of his head, then rested my face on it.

I was wondering around in the trashed room with my eyes while I was hugging Brahms. I noticed a hole in the wall behind the half opened door, over the rocking chair and the doll. Seemingly Brahms punched into the wall, causing it to break in. I noticed as well that the back of his right hand was bleeding and bruised.

I swallowed hard as I reminded myself how strong this man was in reality, even if he currently looked like a cute, innocent, curly haired ball breathing in and out calmly in my arms.

After he’d pulled away from my hug, I took his fist into my hand.

“Come on, I’ll treat your hand and help you clean your room.” I said gently.

Brahms nodded and we silently started to fix the damage he’d done.


	27. Can You Purr?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit guys, I'm not entirely confident about the pace and timing of the story right now. Maybe I'm just a little overexcited about moving on with the main storyline, I don't know.  
> Sometimes I feel like it's a little too slow and might be boring if for instance I wrote more chapters only about Brahms' punishments, how they basically do the same things every day and stuff like that.  
> And then, the next moment I feel like I rush the story and the characters' development and everything should be slower because it's hard to follow.  
> I've been just feeling insecure about it lately. Sorry for the tantrum anyway. :D So after some thinking I decided to make a time jump again and not to write chapter after chapter about the same punishments and same stuff over and over. I don't know, maybe it'll be a little rushed but we'll see.
> 
> I'm done with complaining now. :D
> 
> Enjoy! :)

Another week passed by and I’d been in the Heelshire manor for a month already. Autumn was back again, honoring us with cold heavy rain, colorful fallen leaves and the unique scent of the late October nature.

The last week was a pretty intense but productive one. Brahms had been punished a few more times, more like every other day. He always got the same punishment, sitting in his room quietly. He didn’t have such a big outrage ever again though. The second time he lost it a bit as well but didn’t destroy his entire room. The third time he only pulled a very grumpy face on me but the fourth time I didn’t even have to demand him into his room, he knew what was going to happen, so he willingly walked in there and sat down on the floor.

I believed my disciplining method was working on him and the last time it became clear that I was right. Before I could even notice he'd hidden my sneakers again, he brought them back into my room and even apologized for taking them. I was sure he’d realized how childish his behavior was and he wouldn’t achieve anything with his naughtiness. I looked at this as a very important milestone in his improvement and I was incredibly proud that we'd gotten this far.

It wasn’t only a mental battle for Brahms, but so for me. I’d always been good with disciplining myself and holding back my emotions but this last week tested me as well. I knew I had to be demanding but on the other hand not attacking him, strict but still comfort him after his punishments. I knew I could never punish him with deprivation of kindness or love, so every single time I kissed him goodnight, told bedtime stories for him and hugged him, even when he pissed me off so much I simply didn't want to be around him.

He still craved my attention a lot, although I managed to set up a new rule about having at least two hours of “alone time” per day that we spent separately. I gave him some papers and pencils so he could draw something or he just read his books.

I also convinced him to go outside for a walk with me in the fresh air every day when the rainy weather showed some mercy over us.

Although he was just as stubborn as I was, luckily he was very smart as well. Most of the time when I explained something to him, he considered it and if it made sense for him then he accepted it. He was a very fast learner. I taught him about human connections, how it was not okay to hurt others physically and other important basic topics.

So overall, things were pretty good, Brahms was slowly growing up and I couldn’t be more satisfied with his improvements, although I knew the road was still long.

 

It was a casual rainy afternoon and I was sitting comfortably in the corner of the giant sofa, enjoying my “alone time”. I was admiring my freshly painted toe nails which I’d just executed with my baby blue nail polish. At least what left of it thanks to Brahms’ mischief.

I formed my lips into a wide smile as I reminded myself that those days were already in the past, Brahms had been behaving quite well during the last three days. I felt satisfaction, we’d been doing quite well compare to the circumstances.

“What’s going on? Alone time’s over?” I smiled as I saw Brahms walk into the living room.

Without any answer he sat down on the sofa next to me and looked at me with wistful eyes.

“What do you want?” I asked but I knew he probably wanted some touching or hugging like usually when he pulled that look.

And I was right. He took my hand and moved it into his hair, showing me without words how much he would’ve appreciated some stroking.

“God, you’re so needy.” I said with a chuckle. “Okay, alright. Come here.”

He lay down on his back and rested his head in my lap. I realized his hair was a little wet.

“Were you outside?” I asked.

“I cleaned the traps.” He nodded in my lap, looking up at me.

“You did what?” I asked in surprise. I didn’t want to believe what I'd just heard.

“I cleaned the traps.” He repeated, wondering over my face with his green gaze, he seemed curious how I’d react.

I was so shocked I even stopped moving my hand in his hair. That was kind of my “job” to do, it was part of the rules and taking care of him. _What got into him?_

“Why?” I asked with honest surprise in my voice.

Brahms looked at me like he didn’t understand my question.

“Because I don’t want the rats to get inside the walls.” He said, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, but… Why did _you_ do it?” I asked. “Isn’t it my job to follow the rules? You’ve never done it before.”

“I wanted to help you out, pretty Ali.” He said. “So you wouldn’t have to do it today.”

His voice was soft which was pretty new coming out from his mouth and it emphasized his thick British accent.

He almost sounded… _Charming._

“Brahms…” I frowned. “Are you trying to impress me?”

He looked away from my eyes like he was caught.

“You didn’t do anything bad, did you?” I asked in a distrustful voice.

“No, I didn’t.” He said with an offended face.

“Well then, thank you for helping me. I appreciate it.” I smiled, still a little confused as I started to move my fingers in his hair again. “You’re such a good boy.”

 

“Sing for me.” Brahms said suddenly after I’d been stroking his curls for a while silently.

I wanted to protest but then I realized I used to sing a lot for the kids I’d been taking care of during my previous nanny jobs. _This situation isn’t that different at all._

“What should I sing for you?”

“Anything.” He answered.

I cleared my throat as the butterfly in my stomach reminded me of that the current situation with Brahms wasn’t anything similar to my previous nanny experiences, it didn't matter how much I wanted to believe it was.

But surprisingly, after I started to hum Brahms’ lullaby, all those weird feeling faded away like they’d never existed. It somehow just simply felt natural singing for Brahms. I had to admit I’d missed singing so much.

Brahms looked pleased as well, as he closed his eyes and breathed in and out calmly, his chest rising and sinking in a slow rhythm.

He didn’t open his eyes after I’d finished humming and I assumed he’d fallen asleep and I couldn’t help but formed my lips into a small smile. He looked so calm every time I held him and he seemed so peaceful that I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

Sitting here with his head in my lap, some strange emotions started to overflow me. I couldn’t stop thinking about how Brahms’ life would be now if the fire thing had never happened and his parents had never forced him to live inside the walls. He was so smart, intelligent and good-looking, he was the “classically handsome” type pf man. I was pretty sure that a lot of women would’ve been into him and he would’ve had everything to be very successful in life. But fate decided differently and I found it incredibly sad. So much potential wasted.

_Would he be happily married to a nice girl, maybe with a cute, curly haired child on his own? Or would he be the charmer and jump from one woman’s bed into another all the time? Would he go to fancy parties and events with all those rich people? Or would he stay out of things like that and rather read his books and draw at home most of the time, maybe even be the lonely artist type?_

I smiled as I reminded myself that he’d read tons of contemporary books, many of them romances. I had a feeling he was very much of a romantic type of guy, probably with a desire for a never-ending love story.

My hand slid from his hair to his face, slowly stroking my fingers on his forehead, scars, lips and chin, down on his neck and stopped around his chest.

“You’re so handsome, it breaks my heart.” I whispered, the words somehow just escaped my lips even if I didn’t intend to say them loud.

I winced as I saw Brahms’ eyelids pop up suddenly. He wasn't sleeping.

“You think I’m handsome?” He asked silently with honest surprise as he directed his green eyes onto my blue ones.

“Yeah… Kind of…” I blushed.

A bright spark of excitement appeared in his eyes. He moved his gaze down to my lips and I noticed some longing in his look. I remembered the short kiss I’d left on his lips after that night we’d spent together in his bed. I blushed harder as the memory hit me and quickly suppressed the mild yearning that suddenly rose in me as well.

“I bet you would’ve broken lots of girls’ hearts.” I said with a grin to distract my mind about those confusing feelings.

“Why would I want to break someone’s heart?” Brahms frowned with a confused facial expression. “I wouldn’t want that.”

I let out a small chuckle, he was so naive and it made him sound adorable.

“Of course not.” I smiled. “You’re a good guy, Brahms.”

I kept stroking him.

As he was watching my every move, he reminded me of a black cat with his green eyes and his dark, almost black hair. His eyes narrowed a little every single time I stroked my hand on his forehead and through his curls, expressing how pleased he was with my actions. He indeed looked like a kitten.

“Can you purr too?” The words slipped out of my mouth, regretting it immediately.

“What?” Brahms asked.

“Nothing.” I said quickly.

Brahms slightly raised an eyebrow at me as I blushed. I couldn’t believe I just said such a stupid thing, I felt so embarrassed.

I gently moved my fingertips in a quick motion on the side of his neck. He automatically tilted his head to get rid of my fingers on him and made a grumpy face. I chuckled. He was so sensitive to my touches and so ticklish.

“Sorry.” I grinned because I knew he hated when I did that but his reaction was so funny, I couldn’t miss the opportunity.

He continued staring at me while I was caressing his dark hair and pale face. I had to admit I kind of enjoyed stroking him, it was very relaxing and honestly felt good even if I wasn’t the one who was receiving it.

“Would you like to change?” Brahms asked like he read my mind.

I hesitated. I’d been always the one who was pampering him, he’d never offered to change roles before and I was perfectly okay with it. I was the one who was taking care of him, not the opposite way.

“Sure.” I said anyway, not being determined enough to refuse the offer.

Brahms sat up and moved to the opposite corner of the sofa. I lay down, placing my head in his lap and looked up at him.

It was definitely strange and new being in his place now. First, when I felt his large hands gently moving around my face, chin and neck, I couldn’t get the picture out of my mind as he’d probably punched a hole in the walls when he’d gotten punished for the first time.

But then I was able to relax and enjoy his touches, the fear caused by the memory of his strength slowly fading away.

He’d been caressing me for a while, his slender fingers in my hair, his other hand on my face, neck and shoulders, while we were constantly staring into each other’s eyes.

I was calm and relaxed but I couldn’t completely ignore the tickling sensation in my stomach from his touches. Right then I couldn’t look at him as the naughty boy who I’d been disciplining and taking care of. Right then he was the man giving me love and gentleness while making me feel safe.

I suddenly had a longing-like feeling that I wanted nothing else more in the world than slowly pulling him down on the sofa next to me. Him lying beside me, so we could caress each other at the same time.

I tried to shake off the fantasy, I knew that I couldn’t feel this way. Although, I couldn’t stop wondering if I were brave enough to pull him down to me if the circumstances were different and we were just two casual people. Probably not. I wasn’t too brave around men I liked, I mostly rather ignored them and acted like a total bitch to them even if deep down I wanted to get closer. Mainly because I was too scared to do anything.

“Can you purr too?”

Brahms’ deep voice pushed me out of my thoughts. His lips were formed into a playful smile as he repeated my previous silly sentence. It made me happy that he was trying to make a small joke by imitating me. It meant that he was indeed growing up, a little kid wouldn’t have joked like that.

“Maybe. If you want me to.” I teased in a seductive voice automatically.

_Jeez Alison, what on earth are you doing? Are you trying to be flirty with Brahms? Have you lost your mind?_

Brahms let out a deep humming sound instead of answering, as he gently started to stroke my lower lip with his thumb, looking at me with longing in his eyes.

The fact that my little instinctual attempt to flirt actually worked, scared the hell out of me. It made me wonder what else I’d be capable of if I let my instincts to take control over my rational thinking.

I slowly sat up, shaking his hands off.

“I need to go upstairs to… Get some socks.” I pointed to my bare feet. “My feet are getting cold.”

Brahms cocked his head to one side, didn’t understand my sudden attempt to run away, but didn’t try to stop me.

I hurried upstairs into my room and closed the door behind me. I let out a sigh and clenched my eyes as I pressed my back against the door anxiously.

I felt relief was spreading inside me that I succeeded to escape just in time. Running away, not from Brahms but from myself. From the “bad girl” hiding inside me, rampaging wildly somewhere in a cage I’d locked her into many years ago.


	28. Beasts without Beauty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for giving me advises and feedback after the last chapter when I was complaining about my struggles with writing. I really appreciated them. <3
> 
> So I guess we can all sense the slight similarity between Brahms and Beast from "Beauty and the Beast". Cursed, lonely prince living in his castle, waiting for true love, looking scary, blah blah blah. It's obvious. Well, not for Alison, but we know she's a little crazy, right? :)
> 
> This chapter was inspired by the painting "Beauty and the Beast Dancing in the Moonlight" by Thomas Kinkade.

When I opened my eyes the next morning the first thing I saw was Brahms sitting on my bed, staring at me.

“Holy…!” I jumped, my heart missed a single beating. “How long have you been sitting there?”

“Not long.” He answered, looking a little frightened as well from my intense reaction.

“What do you want, Brahms?” I asked in a way ruder voice than I wanted to.

I was still sleepy and feeling forced to interact with another person right after waking up made me quite moody. I desperately needed some coffee, tea or just a splash of cold water in my face.

“Can I help you with breakfast?” Brahms asked.

I was blinking at him, trying to shake the sleepiness out of my eyes and wake up my system.

“You want to help me make breakfast?” I asked back.

My brain started to wake up properly now and I understood what he’d just said he wanted to do.

“Yes.”

I was cautiously wondering over his face with my gaze. _Is he trying to impress me again?_

“Porridge?” I asked.

He nodded with excitement in his eyes.

“Well, sure, why not.” I yawned after some hesitation. “Just give me a few more minutes.”

I lay back down and buried my face into the soft pillow, longing for a late morning snooze.

I waited for Brahms to leave but he didn’t move from my bed. I opened my eyes and faced him.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Waiting for you, Alison.” He answered, clearly not understanding what my problem was.

I sighed and rolled my eyes, mentally saying goodbye to my little snooze.

I got up from bed, went to the closet and took out my black jeans and a light blue long sleeved t-shirt. Brahms was still sitting on my bed, watching me.

“Um… I need to get dressed.” I said to him.

He still didn’t move like he didn’t understand the language I was talking in. His eyes were wondering over my whole body and it started to make me feel frustrated and - _of course_ \- blushed.

Suddenly he fell back to reality. He stood up and left without saying a word.

 _“God… He’s so weird.”_ I thought, still in a grumpy mood.

 

Teaching Brahms how to cook porridge was hilarious. I had to admit, I kind of enjoyed bossing him around in the kitchen. I’d never been talented in cooking either and usually I was the one who had been bossed around, while someone else was desperately trying to tell me what to do.

But Brahms was even clumsier than me and he visibly felt annoyed when I laughed at him but I couldn’t help it. I knew I was bad but I was happy and satisfied I found someone who had even less talent in the kitchen than myself. The funniest part was that it was only porridge which is the easiest food on Earth to cook.

I praised him anyway what a good boy he was and how great he was doing since I knew how well he’d reacted on getting praised every time.

“Awesome.” I said with a satisfied grin after we’d eaten all the breakfast. “Now that you’re a master of preparing porridge, you can make breakfast every day from now on. And I can sleep longer.”

Brahms frowned, visibly not being pleased with my little idea.

“I was joking.” I explained.

I noticed he started to get used to my sarcasm and silly jokes more, sometimes he’d realized I was only joking and a few times he’d even smiled at me when I’d said something funny. Or at least funny enough for my own entertainment.

“It’s such a pleasant surprise that you like eating porridge almost every morning.” I said to him after some hesitation.

“Why is it surprising?” He asked.

“I don’t know.” I continued in a wondering voice. “I don’t intend to sound stereotypical but I think it would be too light and sweet for many men. Wouldn’t you prefer heavy British breakfasts?”

“I like everything.” Brahms shrugged.

I smiled.

“I’m glad you’re not picky. You would be too big of a challenge for my cooking knowledge otherwise.”

Brahms let out a small chuckle.

“I’m pleased with your cooking knowledge, Alison.”

“Really? I wish I could tell the same about you.” I teased.

After a second or two he realized I was joking again.

“Very funny.” He said.

“Do you like everything because you’d been eating frozen food in your whole life?” I asked with a poker face.

Brahms’ facial expression hardened, as my unexpected question hit him.

I’d liked to do it to him occasionally, joking around casually and then all of a sudden ask him a  shamelessly direct, sometimes even cruel question about his past life. It was a weird technique and I had no idea where it came from but it actually worked, he was so shocked and confused most of the time that he even forgot to get angry. I didn’t intend to hurt him of course, I just wanted to make him talk about himself.

“Maybe. Probably.” He said, still confused.

“How is it to eat fresh food everyday now?” I asked.

“Nice, I guess.” He answered silently. “Some foods are good after unfreezing them but some are…”

His voice faded like he felt guilty about denigrating food.

“Some are what?”

“Abominable.” He blurted out.

“I have no idea what that means but it sounds pretty bad.” I said.

“Very unpleasant.” He explained.

“Okay.” I giggled. “I can teach you to cook some other basic foods. If you want to learn.”

“That would be nice.” He agreed.

“Awesome.” I grinned. “We’re gonna bake potatoes then later.”

*

That day when Brahms trashed his room when he got punished the first time, we decided to reorganize his whole place. At least we sorted out some of the toys, taking a few down to the basement because there were just too many in his bedroom, occupying too much space. While we were organizing his childhood stuff, I found a pack of puzzle in a small plastic bag hidden in the cupboard. I couldn’t find out what kind of a picture it was since I couldn’t find its original box and Brahms said he couldn’t remember that puzzle.

I’d put it away for a boring day and we decided it was time for putting it together today.

We basically spent the whole afternoon and evening with that puzzle at the enormous dining table. It was a pretty big one, around a thousand pieces and it ended up being a beautiful picture of the story “Beauty and the Beast”. It portrayed a dance scene, Beast was holding Beauty’s hand, asking her for a dance, his other hand on her waist, while she was looking up at him with enamored eyes. They were standing in a decorated gazebo in the moonlight, roses and flowers around them with the castle and a gorgeous landscape in the background.

“It’s such a pretty picture, it looks like a painting.” I noted in an amazed voice after we’d finished putting together the pieces.

“Indeed.” Brahms agreed, staring at the picture on the table.

“Do you know what story it's about?” I asked.

“It looks like Beauty and the Beast.” He answered.

“It is.” I nodded. “I wish it was complete though.”

A piece was missing from the middle of the landscape that we couldn’t find anywhere in Brahms’ room.

“I can’t remember reading Beauty and the Beast for you.” I wondered.

“You didn’t.” Brahms said. “I have the book. I used to read it a lot.”

I noticed Brahms’ eyes were reflecting a touch of sadness as he was fixating the solved puzzle in front of us.

“It is one of your favorite stories then, I suppose?” I asked, not quite understanding his melancholic features.

He slightly nodded without taking his eyes off the puzzle.

“Why do you like it so much?” I asked carefully but I already figured he must’ve related to Beast since in his whole life he’d been believing he was a monster.

Brahms hesitated.

“Do you think it could be real?” He asked, dodging my question.

I was sitting next to him but now I turned my chair a little so I could face him.

“Which part?” I asked.

“The whole story.” He answered as he looked me in the eyes finally. “Do you think Beauty would give a chance to Beast? In real life, I mean.”

My eyes widened a little as I looked up at him. I was confused.

_Is he talking about us, referring himself as Beast and me as Beauty? Or is he talking about himself in general, waiting for his romantic fantasy to become reality with someone?_

I was confused as well because I was used to the child Brahms mostly, his man side was still pretty new to me even if he had started to show himself more often.

I honestly had no idea what to answer.

“I don’t quite understand what you’re asking, Brahms.” I said. “Love stories can be real sometimes, I guess.”

Brahms looked shy and maybe even scared as he talked again. I was scared as well of what he was about to say.

“Do you think we could be like Beauty and Beast once?” He asked, his voice silent.

My heart started to race wildly but I couldn’t identify my own emotions.

I knew he liked me but I’d always believed he liked me only because I was a woman and he hadn’t seen too many of us, let’s face it. I always believed he wanted to get close to me only physically and it didn’t surprise me since he‘d never had the chance to be with a woman. But his current words completely shocked me.

I just couldn’t take him seriously though.

_He must be just confused, he’s in the middle of the growing up process, and he’s mixing up his feelings, desires and knowledge about life for now. He can’t be serious about wanting us to be together forever in a romantic relationship, can he?_

On the other hand I simply admired him. Even if he was probably not serious at all, it must’ve required a huge amount of courage to ask this question from another person and his bravery honestly astonished me.

“I…” I started in shaky voice, still struggling with expressing my thoughts. “Real life doesn’t really work like fairy tales do, Brahms. Life isn’t a fairy tale and we’re not fairy tale characters.”

He looked away from my eyes and he looked disappointed and… _Heartbroken_.

I slowly placed my hand onto his, which was resting on the table. He suddenly looked back at me, not understanding what I was doing.

“Beauty and the Beast sounds great and it’s a cute story but in our case there’s a tiny little problem with it. You’re not a monster. And I’m not Beauty.” I said firmly.

Brahms frowned, he looked confused.

“I believe we all are monsters and beauties at the same time so it’s just simply not realistic.” I added with even more determination in my voice. “Why would you think I’m like Beauty anyway?”

Brahms was staring at me like there was a completely mental person sitting in front of him.

“Because you’re beautiful. And a nice girl.” He said timidly.

“I don’t think I’m nice.” I protested, feeling my cheeks started to turn into a reddish color. “I don’t think I’m a nice girl at all. There’s a beast in me as well like in everyone… Actually, I can relate to Beast more than to Beauty. I think I’m a Beast too. Beauty is boring and… Too good. I hate boring. There’s no way I’m a Beauty.”

I withdrew my hand from his as I gesticulated a little during my passionate speech about how I could relate more to a monster than a romantic, pretty heroine.

I had no clue what had gotten into me but I suddenly felt burning rage overflowing me.

Brahms jumped as I passionately smacked the table with my palm.

“What a stupid story anyway!” I burst out. “You're not threatening me to kill my father. You’re not holding me captive and forcing me to clean your castle and be kind to you. I’m not a victim. I’m here willingly and I’d never looked at you as a goddamn monster. And hell, I’m not Beauty. I’m not a good girl and I’ll never be one. There’s at least as much darkness in me as in you, if not more, so if you want a perfect little princess that’s definitely not me. I’m not Beauty, I’m not a good girl. I’m Beast. End of discussion.”

I even stood up from my chair, while I was heavily gesticulating with my arms.

I had no idea why I’d gotten so angry and what that small emotional outrage was about but I felt like exploding from suppressed emotions.

Brahms was staring at me, his mouth partly opened in surprise, while he was watching my tantrum. For a moment I believed I unintentionally scared him away forever and he wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore.

But then he stood up as well after he’d gotten over the shock I’d caused him. He walked close to me but I grumpily looked away from his eyes as he towered over me.

He held one hand over my waist and with the other one he gently lifted up my chin, forcing me to look into his eyes.

I thought I’d pissed him off with my explosion but as I looked up at him, all I could see was honest interest in his sparkling green eyes, like he was looking at something he was seeing for the very first time.

“Alright, Beast.” He said teasingly as he let out a tiny giggle.

He then pulled me on his chest and started to stroke my hair, resting his chin on the top of my head.

I felt I was getting calmer and calmer every second in his arms. After a while he pulled away with his head so he could look at me again.

We were staring at each other for a few long seconds, then he leaned closer to my face, pressing his lips onto my forehead, leaving a kiss on it.

“Would you be so kind and teach me how to bake potatoes?” He asked in his deep voice charmingly, as he formed his lips into a smile, looking me in the eyes.


	29. Ghosts and Marshmallows - Halloween Part I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you like Halloween stories?
> 
> I know it's March and it's pretty much spring outside where I live already but I'm just obsessed with October and fall in general. My story began in September so I decided it's time for Halloween for Brahms and Alison. And it will be an intense night for them, no doubt.
> 
> There's quite a lot happening to them only in one day so there will be Part I-V, five chapters. Enjoy! :)

“Happy Halloween!” Rose smiled as she handed me over a pack of Halloween candies and chocolates. “It’s a gift from the shop as well.”

We were standing in the kitchen after we’d packed out the groceries. Rose’s next delivery happened to be on October 31, Halloween afternoon.

“Thank you, it’s very kind of them.” I smiled and placed the sweets next to the jack-o'-lantern with an evil grin on its pumpkin face. That was a gift from the shop too.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come to the Halloween party with us tonight?” She asked as I walked her out. “I know you’re not supposed to leave the doll but no one would know, I promise.”

“I’m sure…“ I started hesitantly, trying to find a good excuse. “I’m not feeling that well anyway and I’m not really in a party mood.”

“Okay, I thought I’d ask again though.” She looked slightly disappointed but she was still smiling politely. “See you next week then.”

I said goodbye to her and waited for her to leave, while I was standing on the porch. It was a cold autumn day, the fresh scent of the rain filled the air. It was a perfect weather for celebrating Halloween, although I believed mine would be exactly the same as every other day. I sighed as I watched Rose’s car disappear in the first turn of the property.

I was about to turn around and head back inside the house when I saw a shadow move between the tall trees at the edge of the forest.

_“What the hell was that?”_ I thought and decided to check it. I pulled the hood of my coat over my head to protect myself from the rain and ran towards the trees where I’d seen the shadow.

“Hello?” I asked, my heart was beating fast. “Is anyone here?”

I slowly stepped in between the oaks and walked a little deeper, wondering around with my eyes.

_“Strange. I could’ve sworn I saw someone.”_ I thought, but I couldn’t see anyone or anything extraordinary, only the tall trees and wet, fallen leaves covering the ground.

I let out a frustrated sigh, accepting that my imagination had tricked me and hurried back into the warm house.

 

After I’d taken off on my coat and muddy shoes I decided to go upstairs but I suddenly bumped into Brahms in the lobby.

“Where did you go?” He asked with a distrustful look on his face. He probably saw me through the window running into the woods.

“Nowhere.” I answered as I tried to bypass him, but he grabbed my upper arm and pulled back to his chest.

“I thought I saw something or someone behind a tree so I went to check it.” I said grudgingly. “But I was wrong.”

Brahms cocked his head to the side.

“No one comes here, Alison.” He said with a poker face, still holding me in his grip.

“Not even at Halloween?” I asked, my voice sounded a little shaky. “I mean, this house is a haunted mansion in some of the gossips I heard in town.”

“What’s so special about this day?” Brahms frowned, avoiding my question. “I’ve only read about it but always found it foolish.”

“I think it’s cool.” I said as I felt his hand sliding down to my waist. “Why do you find it foolish?”

“I’ve never understood why people would want to get scared willingly.” He answered in his deep voice.

“Well, everyone needs a break from boring everyday life, you know? In my opinion it’s not really about getting scared, it’s more about the thrill. They know ghosts and witches aren’t real but listening to spooky stories about these things can be exciting.” I explained. “Dressing up can be fun as well.”

Brahms made a skeptical face while he was moving his thumb on my waist.

“If we had the proper makeup, I could mask myself into a zombie.” I said jokingly. “Wouldn’t you like that?”

Brahms slightly shook his head like a child would have, staring at me like I’d just come up with the craziest idea ever. His reaction was kind of cute, I had to admit.

“Why would you blemish your pretty face, Alison?” He asked a little annoyed after wondering over my face. “People should be happy to have flawless appearances, why would they want to dress up as monsters?”

I recognized some hurt in his pretty eyes, he must’ve thought about his “imperfect” look and how he would be happy if he could get rid of his scars for good.

I reached for his forehead and brushed away the dark curls covering it. I cupped his face with both of my hands and stood on tiptoe to leave a small kiss on his scars.

Brahms seemed surprised, he even jumped a little. I’d never kissed his scarred skin before, I’d always gave the goodnight kiss on the left, unharmed side automatically, because I knew the nerves were damaged in the skin of the right side and he couldn’t feel the kiss there.

I slid my hands down from his face and rested them on his upper arms.

“When I was little, my older cousins pranked me once.” I started to tell him a memory from my childhood to distract his thoughts about his scars. “They used to live in the forest as well and one time they were babysitting me, one of them put on a white sheet and hid behind a tree. They told me there were ghosts living in the woods who kidnapped children occasionally. I didn’t believe them but then my cousin jumped out of between the trees with the sheet on him… I was terrified, it took years for me to not to be scared of forests and ghosts.”

Brahms were staring at me with his glazed eyes and then all of a sudden he started to laugh. I loved when I was able to make him smile so I laughed with him at my silly memory.

He cupped my face with one hand.

“So you think you saw a ghost behind that tree here as well, pretty Ali? That’s why you rushed to see it?” He grinned.

“Maybe.” I chuckled. “That was a traumatic experience for me in the past, it’s pretty serious.”

Brahms chuckled again, while he was caressing my cheek. Then his gaze wondered down to my lips. I saw the pupils of his eyes widen, sending a shiver down my spine. For a heartbeat I believed he was going to try to kiss me but he suddenly looked back up into my eyes.

“You’re so funny.” He said with a small grin again.

I smiled at him.

“I really thought I saw someone there, Brahms.” I told him in a concerning tone, really meaning it this time.

“There have been only two uninvited guests walking inside this house lately.” Brahms leaned a little closer to my face as he was trying to calm me. “One is… You know.”

“Dead. In the freezer.” I said factually since I wanted him to face what he’d done to Greta’s ex.

Brahms’ face had twitched before he talked again.

“Yes.” He said as I felt he pulled me even closer to him, tightening his grip around me. “The other one is…”

His voice faded again. He seemed hesitant and maybe even shy to say what he wanted to tell me.

I was staring at him, my round shaped eyes probably looked even bigger. I was curious what he was about to say since I knew the second uninvited guest was me. But he never finished his sentence.

“It was me.” I said, a little disappointed.

Brahms didn’t say anything again, he was caressing my face with one hand and holding me tight by my waist with the other one. His sparkly green gaze rolled down onto my lips one more time and I could see a timid look on him.

I started to think what I would do if he kissed me. I tried to reassure myself I’d dodge from his lips but the locked up “bad girl” in me was constantly repeating in my head that deep down I was waiting for him to do it, that secretly I wanted that kiss to happen just as much as him. _One kiss isn’t the end of the world…_

I forcefully suppressed the feeling in me and sent a small smile to Brahms.

“Let’s cook something for dinner.” I said and took his hand to lead him into the kitchen.

 

It was impossible not to notice Brahms’ diligence to be helpful in the kitchen. Basically he cut all the vegetables while I was cooking rice and washing the dishes we’d left in the sink earlier. I was quite impressed with him and a satisfied smug sat on my face as I thought about how badly he was trying to seem grown up after his childish behavior and all the mischiefs he had committed last week.

 

After we’d eaten dinner and played a round of Fungi – which was a board game, basically about collecting mushrooms in the forest – I went upstairs to take a shower. When I was done I saw Brahms was sitting on his bed, still wearing his light grey shirt and dark pants instead of his pyjamas. He was holding a book in his hand, probably got lost in the pages and hadn’t gotten ready for bed yet.

I thought it was the perfect time to give him the marshmallows, Rose brought me today. I took the package and walked into Brahms’ room.

He put down the book on the nightstand as he saw me.

“What is that?” He asked, pointing to the package of sweets.

I handed it to him.

“Do you remember when you mentioned you only ate marshmallows once and you don’t remember the taste of them?” I asked. “I added them to the grocery list last time.”

He was fixating the package in his hands, looking excited and anxious at the same time. Then he placed it on the bed next to him and looked at me.

“You don’t want them?” I asked in a confused voice after he hadn’t say anything, only continued staring at me.

I couldn’t read any emotions from his face but his eyes slightly narrowed.

He grabbed my upper arm with one hand and my hip with the other one, slowly but firmly pulling me towards him until I was sitting in his lap. His action surprised me a little, he never seated me in his lap before.

“I know what you’re doing, Alison.” He said in a husky voice as I felt him squeezing my hip a little.

“What am I doing?” I asked confused.

His eyes narrowed even more and got a dark tint to them which I didn’t like at all.

“You’re trying to make me talk about my past and my family.” He said silently. “You think if you give me these, I’d tell you more of my memories from before…”

His voice faded but I figured he wanted to say “from before the fire”.

I let out a sigh. I decided I couldn’t do anything else than simply ignoring his mistrust and paranoia.

I rolled my eyes at him as I took the package in my hand and opened it. I took out a pink marshmallow and moved it in front of Brahms mouth.

“Open up.” I said in a firm voice.

He hesitated.

“Come on, I know you want it.”  I said jokingly. “Don’t you?”

He moved his gaze to the marshmallow in front of his face, then looked back up at me with a mistrustful look still.

I let out a frustrated sigh and bit half of the soft candy.

“Yum…” I said, while I was chewing the sticky marshmallow. “We can share.”

Finally Brahms opened his mouth and I pushed the other half of the marshmallow in it.

I giggled as I saw his features soften as he started to chew.

“How is it?” I asked.

“Sweet.” He admitted.

“You want more?” I asked as I took a white marshmallow out of the package.

Brahms nodded and opened his mouth again so I could feed him. His eyes softened, the dark tint was entirely gone now.

He took a marshmallow in his hand as well and placed it in my mouth, as he pulled his lips into a wide smile at the situation, how we were feeding each other sweets.


	30. So Sweet - Halloween Part II.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another 10 chapters have passed by. So unbelievable, it feels like I just started to write this story yesterday...
> 
> I hope y'all will enjoy this chapter, I think it's pretty exciting and I really enjoyed writing it. :D
> 
> Brahmsy is learning something new again. :D Enjoy!

“They’re too sweet, I can’t eat more of them.” I giggled.

Brahms chuckled as well as he stuffed one more marshmallow into his mouth.

“Can I have them again if I’m a good boy?” He asked after he’d swallowed.

I got used to that he sometimes said things a child would say and used childish terms even if he was already talking only in his natural deep voice.

“You can eat them anytime you’d like. I don’t want to tell you what to eat and when to eat, you’re not a little boy anymore, Brahms.” I said carefully.

He looked at me with slightly confused face, visibly getting lost in his thoughts. Then I saw him swallow hard as he accepted the fact that he was indeed not a child anymore, even if we both knew it wasn’t that simple since he was still very childish sometimes. He obviously needed more time to adjust but at least we’d been through the hardest part.

“Do I still need to get punished if I do something naughty?” He asked.

_Smart boy…_

“Definitely.” I nodded.

He looked a little disappointed.

“Do you still feel the need of doing naughty things?” I asked.

He hesitated, clearly thinking about my question.

“Sometimes.” He said in a neutral voice. “But I don’t want you to be angry with me. I don’t like when you’re upset and sad.”

“That’s some strong motivation to be good, isn’t it?” I chuckled.

Brahms smiled a little and…

_Is he blushing?_

His left cheek was getting a pale shade of pink to it. It was a little hard to notice he was indeed blushing because his scarred side obviously remained the same, incapable of changing colors. I’d never seen him blush before and it was seriously weird to see him like that, it made him look even more human and an ordinary person.

He moved his legs a little under me to find a more comfortable position. I put the marshmallow package down on the bed and automatically started to play with a dark curl behind his ear, my other hand touching the collar of his grey shirt.

“I’ve never said thank you.” Brahms spoke silently, looking deep into my eyes.

“For what?” I made a confused smile, not understanding what he was talking about.

“For everything.” He added.

_Wow…_

My eyes widened, my lips partly separated from surprise. _Brahms says thank you to me. The entitled baby man is thanking me I’ve been taking care of him. Is this really happening now?_

“It’s very rude of me I’ve never said thank you before, Alison. After everything you’ve done for me.” He continued.

It was my turn to blush now. He’d made me blush a lot before but always by his physical actions and never by something had he said to me.

“It’s okay, Brahms.” I said with an embarrassed smile.

“No, Ali.” He said, bringing his face closer to mine so he would seem more serious. “You’ve never been forced to stay. It wasn’t your job to take care of me but you did anyway.”

I kept staring at him, being totally shocked by his unexpected words.

“You were never mine and you still chose to stay and help me, willingly.” He continued.

“I did… But Brahms, we don’t own people. Every single person on this planet is free to choose what to do and what not to do, you need to understand that.” I explained silently.

He looked away from me for a second and I saw he was considering what he’d just heard. Even if he didn’t visibly agree, I took it as a positive improvement that at least he didn’t get angry about it.

“I just wanted to say I appreciate everything you’ve done.” He said.

He stroked the part of my hair that was covering my face and placed it behind my ear. I felt my heart was beating faster, the exact same feeling started to grow in me that I’d felt on the sofa the other day when he’d been caressing me. Right now he wasn’t the little boy I’d been taking care of. Right now he was a man.

His green eyes wondered down onto my lips, the space between us shrinking… In that moment I knew he was going to kiss me.

I didn’t try to flinch now. It wasn’t like the last time with the goodnight kiss, he didn’t just press his lips against mine and held them there. This time it was a real kiss.

He was a little clumsy, he gave me a deep, sloppy kiss, causing my face to get way wetter than I preferred. His motions were extremely raw as he confidently pushed his tongue inside my mouth.

The unusual sweet taste confused me for a second but then I realized what it was. It was the result of the marshmallows he’d eaten only a few minutes ago. It was literally the sweetest kiss I’d ever gotten.

My heart was pounding fiercely, it was such a new experience to make out with Brahms after the one month I’d spent with him, basically as his nanny. It was new and I found it kind of exciting, the butterflies in my belly flying around constantly.

After a while I pulled away, ending the kiss. I couldn’t help but send a smile to him after we’d both opened our eyes.

“What is it?” Brahms asked, looking vulnerable and insecure about his very first kissing experience.

“Nothing.” I said and couldn’t stop giggling. “You taste so sweet.”

His features softened a bit, although he still looked slightly confused and embarrassed.

“How was it?” He asked impatiently.                                  

I hesitated to answer.

I heard that men automatically tend to give wet kisses because their saliva contains hormones that can increase women’s arousal so they subconsciously try to pass as much as they can to turn on their kissing partners. And I knew how instinctual Brahms was so his kissing method didn’t surprise me at all. Even if it wasn’t the most pleasant technic I somehow found it incredibly hot that his kiss was so natural.

“You don’t have to be that violent with your… tongue. You just need to take it easy and relax your mouth.” I told him, still smiling a little, feeling my cheeks were heating up.

Brahms was staring at me confused and I saw his face was getting pink as well.

“Like this…” I said and leaned back close to his face, ignoring the realization my “bad girl self” had been right all along about me not rejecting Brahms’ kiss. Not only I didn’t reject him, I was embracing him to learn and practice.

I closed my eyes and slowly pressed my lips against his in a tender motion.

He kissed me back and it was much better now, his movements softer. He was still very instinctual though, his kiss was sloppy with a strong but gentler tongue game.

I stroked my fingers deep into his hair as he slightly squeezed my hips, pulling me closer to his body. A warm sensation started to erupt in me as I felt Brahms taking over my pace and kissing technique more and more during we were playing with each other’s lips for longer.

After a minute or two, he pulled away to catch his breath. I was staring into his light green eyes deeply, my fingers still in his hair, my other hand gently squeezing his shoulder. We were breathing in and out sharply, the world around us even stopped existing for a minute.

I was longing for more. More of Brahms’ lips and his sweet taste.

I was just about to crush my lips on his again, when all of a sudden, a long, sharp creaking sound broke the silent knocking of the raindrops.

We both tilted our heads automatically into the direction of the hall as we both recognized the creaking noise of the heavy wooden entrance door.

Somebody opened it. Somebody was in the house.

Brahms gently pushed me out of his lap as he stood up from the bed but I caught his hand before he could leave the room.

“I’ll go downstairs, you go back into the walls.” I whispered.

“What?” He grimaced like I lost my mind. “You can’t go downstairs on your own.”

“Yes, I can and I will.” I said firmly but still silently. “We don’t know who it is, we both could be in huge trouble if someone recognizes you.”

He hesitated but finally nodded. He walked to the fireplace which wasn’t working anymore, removed the board from its opening in one quick motion and disappeared inside the walls.

My mouth opened from surprise. I knew there was an opening in his room but I’d never seen him actually using it and I never imagined it would be such a bizarre scene watching him leave through the secret entrance of the walls.

It was hard not to think of what had happened between us only a minute ago, the memory of his lips very fresh. But I forced myself to focus on the current moment while I was slowly walking down the stairs.

The storm became more violent and the manor looked even spookier in the half-light than usually. I saw the pale light of the jack-o’-lantern creeping out of the kitchen.

_“Happy Halloween, Alison.”_ I told myself ironically as I opened the enormous entrance door, the long, loud creaking noise sending a shiver down my spine.

I couldn’t see anyone outside in the heavy rain, what strengthened my suspicion that the person was still inside the house.

Suddenly all the horror movies I’d ever seen popped up in my mind when I heard a noise coming from behind me. I closed the entrance door and turned around but couldn’t see anyone in the lobby either.

The next thing I heard was footsteps and I was pretty sure they were coming from the game room, where the billiard table was standing.

I remembered the night when I’d arrived in the manor, walking inside the same room like a clueless, lost puppy and found the body of Greta’s ex. The current situation somehow reminded me of that night, although I knew everything was different now. I wasn’t clueless and lost anymore and probably I wouldn’t find a body there this time. At least I hoped so.

I slowly stepped inside the game room, my heart beating in my throat.

I jumped as I saw a shadowed figure standing in the middle of the dark room, showing his or her back to me, wearing a black, hooded jacket that was soaked by the rain. The whole picture was beyond creepy and I secretly started to hope that it was Rose trying to play some silly Halloween prank with me.

“Hello?” I said.

The person slowly turned around to face me.

She pushed her wet hood back from her face and I realized it was a woman around my age but it certainly wasn’t Rose. She walked a few steps closer to me.

“Alison?” The woman asked, her voice shaky. She sounded scared but at the same time… _Furious._

Even if she knew my name I couldn’t recognize her voice and I was pretty sure I didn’t know her. Somehow she still looked familiar though but I just couldn’t place her face.

“Who are you?” I asked, my heart pounding wildly.

The woman anxiously looked around in the room like she was scared that we weren’t alone in there. She then directed her greyish blue gaze on me again.

“I’m Sandy. Sandy Evans.” She answered in an American accent.


	31. The Mastermind - Halloween Part III.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been planning this storyline about Greta's sister from the very beginning, from even before I started to upload the story so I'm really excited it's finally happening now. I hope you'll enjoy it. :)

I needed a few seconds to figure out who Sandy Evans was. I knew she looked familiar and I realized I’d seen a photo on Greta’s phone when I’d been packing her suitcase. A photo about her and this girl. _“Sisters ‘til the end.”_ That’s what the sign on the picture said.

“I’m Greta Evans’ sister.” She said but I’d already put together the pieces then.

Besides the fear, I heard defiance in her voice, she seemed quite angry. I couldn’t imagine why she’d bothered to travel so far from the US but the fact that she was standing in front of me gave me shivers and not the good kind.

“I suppose you know who Greta Evans is.” She continued, her tone scornful.

“What are you doing here?” I asked when I was able to talk again from surprise.

“I’ve been looking for _you_ , actually.” She said.

“Me? Why?” This talk started to get more uncomfortable second by second.

“Why?!” She let out a sarcastic, sinister chuckle, looking at me like I was an idiot for not understanding her intentions. “You’re _Alison_ , aren’t you? The same Alison who made the whole town believe that my sister and her boyfriend were nuts?”

I realized she was angry with _me_. I didn’t blame her but still had no idea why she’d wanted to find me.

“What do you want from me, Sandy?” I asked, trying to stay calm.

I hoped Brahms would stay still inside the walls as well, although I was sure he’d been listening to the most awkward conversation of my life and I started to worry about his potential reactions.

Sandy chuckled one more time almost hysterically as she was seemingly getting angrier.

“I wanted to see the mastermind who managed to trick the whole police of this shitty town.” She spat.

I had to admit the “mastermind” adjective made my ego feel quite pleased, although I knew she didn’t mean it as a compliment.

“Here I am.” I opened my arms, feeling how panic started to take over on me, reminding me of how much I hated conflicts. “And I’m so sorry about Greta and Malcolm. I truly am.”

Sandy chuckled for the third time, leaving me with the perception how it sounded crazier and crazier every single time.

“You _should_ be.” She started her furious monologue. “Do you have any idea how broken my sister is? That she still has nightmares about what happened in this house? And don’t even try to deny it because I know my sister, I know she’s not crazy and she didn’t make anything up. She told me every single detail that happened.”

“I know she’s not crazy.” I had no idea what else to say or how else to react. I still didn’t understand what Sandy wanted from me besides raising my guilt higher.

For a moment I even imagined she had a gun with her and was about to shoot me or something but I ignored the insane idea, even she can’t hate me that much.

“I need explanation, Alison.” She continued impatiently as she walked a step closer. “Why did you do it and who the hell are you anyway?”

“I…” I didn’t know what to say.

_How should I explain to her I searched for the manor out of curiosity and helped Brahms because he reminded me of my dead brother?_

I couldn’t effectively think of a decent reasoning anyway because I couldn’t get my mind off my fear that Brahms would lose his temper and break out of the walls to attack Sandy. I was anxiously playing with the edge of my shirt, desperately trying to find the solution how to come out of this messed up situation without any damage.

“Do you have any idea how bad Greta and Malcolm felt after that crazy man had attacked them and when they asked for help the officers literally laughed at them? They said the Heelshires’ other nanny called Alison had told them the truth about how they were only imagining the whole thing?” Sandy raised her tone, seemingly not able to hold her rage anymore.

“I’m really sorry.” I said in a shaky voice, feeling like I was in a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.

“Why, Alison?” She spat the words angrily. “Did you hear about this goddamn nanny job and wanted to take Greta’s place? Because it seemed easy money? You knew the Heelshires never intended to come back and you wanted the house?”

It was shocking to hear her accusations. I’d never thought about Greta and Malcolm would come up with these theories, I thought they’d simply think I was crazy. I could live with the fact that others believed I was nuts but I couldn’t accept that they thought I was a materialistic bitch.

“Enough!” I finally raised my voice as well. “I’m very sorry about your sister but you know nothing, there are always two sides of a story.”

“Enlighten me, Alison.” Sandy gasped.

“Maybe I should walk you out first. I’ll tell you outside.” I said firmly, I was terrified that Brahms was about to have an outrage like he’d had when I’d punished him for the first time. And this was way more of an emotional situation than stealing my nail polish and painting the stupid board game blue.

“You’re a nice girl, aren’t you?” Sandy laughed in a sarcastic tone again, clearly without the intention of leaving the house.

“You need to leave, Sandy.” I tried to convince her in an explicit but also desperate voice.

“What did you do with the bodies?” She asked, ignoring that I was technically trying to throw her out of the house.

“Bodies?” I asked back, confused. _There was only one body. Cole, Greta’s ex._

“Don’t act like you’re stupid, I know how smart you are.” She accused. “That twat Cole and the other one.”

“Other one?” I perplexed.

Sandy visibly started to lose her patience as she came one more step closer with rage in her bluish eyes.

“Greta told me she’d stabbed the guy in the guts. The guy who’d been living in the walls. With a screwdriver. She said she’d probably killed him.” Sandy explained.

I swallowed as I felt my mouth were drying out. My facial expression obviously betrayed me, telling her everything she wanted to know.

“He survived?” She cried out with shocked face when she realized the truth about Brahms not being dead at all. “Did _you_ save him?”

Sandy’s eyes were sparkling from anger. I wanted to say something to calm her down but she didn’t let me speak.

“He attacked my sister! He almost killed Malcolm!” She screamed. “He was watching Greta for weeks from the walls! What is wrong with you?!”

“Sandy, please calm down.” I technically begged her.

On the other hand, I felt I wouldn’t be able to hold back my anger for much longer either.

Yes, I might have been a horrible person but I felt Sandy was about to destroy one month hard work with Brahms. If she wanted to take it all out on me, she could’ve just accepted my offer and go outside so we could deal with it, instead of pissing off a mentally unstable man with her tantrum and put both of us in danger.

But it was still not enough for her.

“How did you dare making everyone believe Greta was insane?! Thanks to you, even my sister convinced herself she’d lost her mind and only imagined everything that happened here!” Sandy just couldn’t stop screaming. “How did you dare protecting that mentally ill monster instead of an innocent woman?!”

I knew I shouldn’t have said what I was about to say but that was it, I couldn’t swallow my shameless comeback anymore.

“Maybe your sister shouldn’t have been that stupid, believing she’d been taking care of a ghost kid.”

The next thing I knew was Sandy’s palm meeting my face, making me almost lose my balance from shock as she slapped me.

For a moment everything silenced, I couldn’t hear a single sound around me as I felt a teardrop leaving my eye automatically.

But like a fighter would’ve done, I just clenched my teeth and wiped the tear away with my hand, quickly getting over the pain and the humiliation from the fact this girl had hit me. _I deserved it probably._

Although, I knew someone inside the walls wouldn’t get over Sandy’s action that easily.

I saw her jump as the walls started to tremble, knocking sounds coming from everywhere and the heavy sound of something getting thrown onto the walls from the inside.

“What was that?” Sandy jumped but I could sense that deep down she exactly knew what - or who - it was.

For a few painfully long seconds everything was silent again, only our heavy breathing could be heard. Then the noise of bare feet meeting the floor was coming out of the walls, then fading second by second as those feet were receding.

After another few long quiet moments Sandy’s face froze suddenly, like the devil itself would’ve appeared behind me. I turned around and I saw Brahms was standing in front of the door of the game room, with such a rage in his eyes I’d never seen before. _Ever._

He cocked his head to one side and before I could say anything he was already next to me, grabbing Sandy’s sweater under her neck, lifting her up by the material and pushing her against the wall like she was some ragdoll.

“No!” I panicked.

Sandy was screaming to let her go, trying to claw into the “monster’s” giant hand and kick him but Brahms was too strong and her struggle only made him even more furious.

I was terrified that he’d really hurt her and I didn’t know if I was able to stop him.

“Let her go, Brahms.” I asked him in an explicit voice.

He was gasping and literally growling in anger, still pressing Sandy against the wall, holding her in the air by her sweater.

“She hurt you! She hurt me!” He growled, still didn’t take his eyes off the shaking Sandy.

“I’m fine, Brahms. Look, I’m alright, I’ll survive. It was only a slap.” I tried to convince him desperately.

He tightened the grip around the collar of Sandy’s sweater and I had no idea what to do so I jumped between them. But Brahms easily pushed me away with his free arm.

I held on to the edge of the billiard table not to lose balance and now I really started to panic.

Then suddenly as a miracles idea, the picture I found in Greta’s phone popped up in my mind.

 _What if Brahms didn’t only mean Sandy was verbally hurting him by calling him a monster?_ On that photo the sisters looked so similar, almost like twins. _What if she reminds him of Greta and how she hurt him, stabbing him with the screwdriver?_

_This is my last chance._

“Brahms, listen to me.” I started in a firm voice. “You need to let her go.”

“No.” Brahms growled.

“She’s not _her_ , Brahms.” I continued. “She’s a different person, she’s never hurt you like _she_ did. Look at her, Brahms. She’s not Greta.”

I knew he understood it wasn’t Greta who he was pressing against the wall but I believed her face and her offensive actions were enough for him to make him relive the memory of Greta’s “betrayal”. Plus, Sandy hit me and even if it was only one slap in the face it could’ve been way more threatening to Brahms. The first and most important rule I’d set up for us was about never hurting someone physically and Sandy pretty much broke it.

Brahms turned his head and looked at me for a moment, then gazed back to Sandy.

I felt like hours passed by until he finally let her go.

Sandy quickly flinched towards the billiard table, pressing her back to it, still gasping in fear.

I was relieved on the other hand, saying a grateful “thank you” to my intuitions for not failing me this time either.

“You’re a good boy, Brahms. It’s okay.” I told him as I stepped a little closer to him carefully to calm him down.

He looked at me and his eyes softened almost immediately.

We’d been standing there for a while, the three of us frozen, only fixating each other, no one making any move or sound.

Then Brahms and Sandy left me out of the “staring game” and started to fixate only each other. Brahms looked calmer at least and Sandy was done with screaming for now, seemingly understanding she couldn’t make any sudden physical reaction in front of Brahms.

I didn’t know what to do or how to break the intense silence.

As I looked at Brahms, I noticed he started to have an embarrassed, even ashamed look on his face which I was very much familiar with from before. I realized Sandy was now staring at his scarred skin, her facial expressions reflecting dismay and repugnance. She’d probably never seen burnt scars that deep before.

Brahms lowered his head and held his arms over his face to cover the scars. The insecure little boy was back and I knew no matter what, I needed to fix the pretty much tragic situation.

“It’s okay Brahms, Sandy doesn’t care about your scars, does she?” I told him as I hurried next to him and started to rub his back in a comforting way, knowing how much my touches were able to feel him calm and secure.

“No, of course not.” Sandy said, putting herself together finally. She even forced a small smile on her face after my explicit gaze had met hers.

Brahms was staring shyly at Sandy from between his arms. He then slowly removed his hands from his face and looked down at me, like he’d been caught doing something bad.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured in a quiet, shaky voice, starting to feel guilty he’d lost control.

He then hugged me, burying his face into my messy hair, seeking for more emotional comfort, while I was gently caressing his back.

“It’s okay, Sweetheart.” I whispered instinctively.

I saw from between his arms that Sandy’s eyes were widened, her mouth partly opened as she couldn’t adjust to the extraordinary view how this big, terrifying man could turn into a scared little child in less than a minute.

Brahms pulled away from my hug and I sent him a small smile to assure him that everything was fine.

An awkward silence crept between the three of us as we were standing there, waiting for someone to say something. I let out a long but relieved sigh as the realization hit me. That someone needed to be me of course.

_Like every damn time in my life when things needed to be fixed between people. Every damn time when people lost control over their emotions I needed to be the one who stayed still and fixed the damages._

“Okay, I think we all need to calm down and sit down to discuss our problems like decent human beings. So… Tea, coffee anyone?” I asked them calmly and pointed to the direction of the opened door.


	32. But She Was Mine to Love - Halloween Part IV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's an early update with the next chapter (compare to the time I usually do it). Enjoy!:)
> 
> (I'm ridiculously happy about kudos and comments, you know? :D)

We were sitting at the kitchen table, accompanied by three steamy mugs and the giant jack-o’-lantern, grinning at us from the other side of the table. I was sitting next to Brahms who was fixating our unexpected guest constantly without even blinking. I moved one hand and rested it on his in his lap, just in case he would freak out again, even if I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop him. Sandy was sitting in front of us, at the opposite side of the table, her gaze was traveling between Brahms and me.

“I’m sorry for causing harm to your sister.” I broke the awkward silence carefully, my voice factual.

Sandy looked at me, she seemed defiant but way more in control of her emotions than before.

“She just started to believe she’d actually lost her mind. That’s why I decided to find you.” She sighed. “I wanted to talk to you about everything that happened. Greta and Malcolm don’t know I’m here.”

I felt how Brahms’ hand twitched as he heard the two names, so I decided to rather tell Sandy my story to avoid mentioning Greta and Malcolm again.

“I’d been working not far from town but the motel needed to be closed and I didn’t have anywhere to stay. I heard about this house, how it was left empty by the owners, I didn’t even know they had a nanny. So I figured I'd come here and stay until I find a job. Then I found Brahms with the screwdriver in his belly. I had no idea who he was or what had happened. I obviously helped him, what else was I supposed to do?”

Sandy was staring at me with hardened features but honest interest in her eyes.

“He told me a part of the story but mainly I put together the pieces by myself. I found your sister’s passport so I believed she would travel back to the US and it wouldn’t have done her any good if the truth came out about Brahms being alive anyway.”

I took a deep breath.

“I wanted to stay and help him, that’s all.” I pointed at Brahms with my head. “That’s the truth.”

Sandy hesitated, her features didn’t soften but a touch of sadness appeared on her face as she moved her eyes onto Brahms. Sadness mixed with pity and fear.

I felt she wanted to ask me why but she was too scared.

“We all have our reasons, Sandy.” I said silently, wishing Brahms wasn’t there to hear us so I could talk to her more openly without being afraid of triggering him.

I realized I couldn’t avoid the “Greta-topic” in this situation though, it was simply impossible, so I slowly turned to Brahms while I was gently stroking his hand in his lap.

“Greta didn’t mean to hurt you, Brahms.” I started carefully, my heart pounding. “She was just very scared, you need to understand that.”

I saw hurt and anger spreading in his green eyes but I continued.

“She wasn’t scared of your appearance, she was scared because she didn’t know you’d been in the walls that whole time. She thought, it was a… Ghost. Sometimes people fail to see what’s behind the surface because they want to believe something else. I wasn’t there, I didn’t see what happened exactly but I’m sure she just felt threatened when you asked for a goodnight kiss. She believed you wanted to attack her and hurt her bad. She didn’t get scared of you, she felt threatened by the situation, you know?”

Brahms was staring at me with narrowed eyes, seemingly didn’t quite understand what I meant.

“Why?” He asked me. “I wouldn’t have hurt her if she didn’t stab me first.”

I hesitated. My brain cells were wildly working on a solution how to sugarcoat things so I could explain Greta’s reaction to Brahms, but then I decided to simply be brutally honest.

“Because she believed you were trying to make love to her against her will.” I said finally.

I saw Brahms frown and for a few seconds everything went dead silent in the kitchen.

“But she was mine to love.” He said finally, his voice deep and husky.

I’d expected him to say that and it didn’t surprise me at all. I’d been actually very well prepared for this conversation for a while, I'd been just too scared to bring up the Greta topic.

“No, Brahms.” I told him calmly. “You can’t show physical affection towards someone who doesn’t want it because it’s a form of hurting. Even if it seems right to you at the moment.”

He frowned again but I saw he was thinking about the new information I’d just shared with him.

“Even if someone loves you it doesn’t mean she wants to give you physical love right away. And you need to respect that, no matter what. That’s part of love, Brahms, respecting another person. You can’t truly love someone without respecting their decisions. Okay?”

After a few seconds he nodded.

“So, that’s why Greta stabbed you. I’m not saying you deserved it, you know I’m on your side. I’m just trying to explain why she did it. It wasn't right she tried to kill you but she did it because she felt threatened by your actions and didn’t know what else to do.” I added, hoping I didn’t cross a line. “And I know why you hit Malcolm but that was so wrong and you know that. We’ve talked about this before that you need to use your voice instead of physical force, right?”

He lowered his head, looking away from me. I couldn’t read his emotions, whether he felt guilty or was simply thinking about what he’d just heard but I was happy he didn’t get mad at me.

“Are you ready to listen to Sandy?” I asked him. “She’s gonna tell us what happened to Greta, okay?”

Brahms slightly nodded. I was sure he didn’t want to hear it but at least he didn’t protest.

I looked at Sandy, who’d been watching our little conversation with Brahms silently with wide eyes, looking pretty confused, obviously it wasn’t an everyday scene to watch.

She cleared her throat.

“Well…” She started. “After they’d been out of the forest she called me on Malcolm’s phone. She didn’t make much sense first, she was hysterical. She scared the crap out of me actually. She was laughing, telling me how we didn’t have to be afraid of Cole anymore because Brahms had killed him. She then managed to tell me quickly what had happened and I demanded her to go to the police immediately. ”

She moved her eyes onto Brahms and practically spoke only to him.

“She didn’t want to tell anyone about you, she didn’t want to go to the cops. She even tried to convince Malcolm not to because she didn’t think it was necessary even if you survived.”

Brahms was staring at Sandy with glazed eyes, without reflecting any emotions.

“She traveled home to Montana the next day and Malcolm followed a week later.” She continued, talking to the both of us. “They were angry and confused that they hadn’t been taken seriously by the cops. Malcolm especially, he took it as a personal grievance since he knew most of the officers. But he still got over it easier than Greta. She…”

Sandy’s voice faded away. She was fixating the brown mug in front of her, looking like she was trying to find the words she wanted to say.

“The last few years have been pretty hard for her, you know…” She started, her eyes reflected sadness and anger, although she didn’t seem mad at Brahms and me this time.

I saw that she was hesitating whether to share Greta’s past with us or not.

“Because of Cole?” I asked carefully to help her out.

She looked at me.

“He’s really dead, isn’t he?” She asked and I sensed desperation in her voice.

“Yes.” I nodded. “He’s dead.”

She was moving her gaze between Brahms and me.

“Greta loved him so much.” She said with sadness in her voice.

I felt with my hand that Brahms’ fingernails deepened in his own thigh, so I squeezed his hand a little to warn him without words that he needed to take control over his emotions.

“But his love was toxic.” Sandy continued. “He… He was a monster. A real one.” She looked at Brahms as she said it.

“Everything seemed good first but he changed. He became obsessed with Greta. He separated her from all her friends, everyone. Even from me. He was so possessive over her that she had to call me secretly when Cole went to work. Then he started to drink more and more and after a few beers he became more violent. But even if he did horrible things to her she just couldn’t leave him. She somehow still loved him.”

That was mostly what I'd found out on my own but the worst part was only about to come as Sandy continued talking.

“She got pregnant. With Cole’s child. She… She obviously didn’t plan it but she was actually happy about it. I guess she felt like there was finally something good coming from that toxic relationship.”

I swallowed hard and my heart started to beat faster as I figured what might come next and it made me feel sick in my stomach.

“He of course swore he would change but one day he lost it again… He beat her very bad and… Then left her. Greta lost the child.”

Sandy looked upset and seemingly was fighting against her tears and anger.

“I’m so sorry.” I said silently.

I slightly looked at Brahms after I realized his other hand on the table formed into fist. He was holding his head low, looking away from Sandy and me.

“I want to see the body.” We both tilted our heads towards Sandy as she spoke. “I don’t care if he’s rotting in the ground, I want to see it.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I protested, slightly being shocked by her wish.

“Don’t tell me what's a good idea, Alison.” She said. “That’s the least you can do for us.”

I hesitated. I couldn’t really say anything, I was too surprised she wanted to see Cole’s dead body.

“I want to see it.” She repeated and this time she sounded like she was begging to me. “You know… Greta called me after Cole beat her up. I was the one who drove her to the hospital and who was holding her hand after her dead baby was taking out of her. I helped her leave that monster. But it still wasn’t over. He kept harassing the both of us. He appeared at my place, gave me calls all the time after Greta had come here. He threatened me that he would kill me if I didn’t give him this address... So where did you bury his body?”

I caught Brahms’ eyes.

“Actually, we didn’t.” I blurted out. “Brahms’ wound was pretty deep, he couldn’t do anything physically exacting and I couldn’t do it on my own, so…”

Sandy frowned.

“Where is it then?” She asked.

I didn’t answer, only shared a look with Brahms again and then looked towards the giant freezer that was standing at the opposite wall in the kitchen.

Sandy followed my eyes and her greyish blue ones opened up wide as she understood where Cole’s body was.

“Is it… in there?” She asked, her voice high and weak.

I nodded.

We were sitting there silently for a few seconds, staring at each other.

Then Sandy slowly stood up and walked to the freezer.

Brahms and I stayed still on our chairs while she opened up the freezer, put away the frozen vegetables which were covering the body and removed the white sheet so she could see Cole’s frozen, dead face. She was standing there without saying a word for a while, staring to the body. I couldn’t see her face, only her back so I wasn't sure about her facial expressions.

After a while she put everything back and closed the freezer.

“Let’s bury him.” She said suddenly as she turned around to face us.

“What?” I asked in surprise.

“I’ll help you.” She answered with determination on her face. “You can’t keep him in here forever, can you?”

“No, I guess.” I said, still shocked she wanted to help us bury Cole. “Are you sure?”

Sandy nodded as she walked closer to the table, standing right next to Brahms.

I saw fear and some hesitance on her face as she realized she was only a few inches taller standing there than the sitting Brahms. Her eyes slightly twitched as she noticed my hand on his, making me wonder what she must’ve thought about me.

“I…” She started hesitantly as she looked Brahms in the eyes. “I can’t forget you’d been watching my sister for weeks and planning to force her to stay here forever. But I don’t blame you for killing Cole. I’m actually grateful you freed us from that burden.”

_Amazing. That’s what he needed to hear. That killing the guy was an honorable thing to do. Just perfect, really._

I obviously wasn’t happy that Sandy basically praised Brahms for sticking a piece or porcelain into another person’s neck, it certainly gave me more work for later. But at least she seemed to make peace with him which was more important at the moment.

Brahms seemed embarrassed, confused and surprised at the same time but he just nodded.

“Are we really going to do this?” I asked with hesitation in my voice, although I knew Sandy was right, we couldn’t keep the body in the freezer forever.

Sandy looked a bit hesitant and scared as well, but then she firmly nodded.

“Do you guys have shovels?” She asked.


	33. Pride and Shock - Halloween Part V.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> So this is the last Halloween chapter. Not that they were too halloweeny but still... :D It's November now, yay.
> 
> Thank you all of you who comment or leave kudos because it helps me stay motivated on "darker" days. I'm very very grateful.

We looked like three swamp monsters as we walked back inside the house with shovels in our hands. Burying the body in a desolated part of the forest was the most bizarre and disturbing thing I’d ever done in my entire life and I knew it would haunt me in my dreams forever. I also knew this night would bond the three of us together for life since we’d become accomplices in Cole’s murder.

It was around four a.m. and we were all exhausted as we dragged our muddy bodies upstairs and took a shower one by one. I gave some clean clothes to Sandy she could sleep in and we washed and dried her muddy ones.

We didn’t really talk to each other, we were busy digging and then we were simply too tired to speak. After we’d become clean, Sandy said goodnight to us and walked into one of the guest rooms and locked the door behind her.

Brahms was sitting on his bed, waiting for me to say goodnight to him.

“You’re gonna sleep in my bed tonight.” I pronounced.

Brahms frowned, probably thinking he didn’t hear me right. But I meant it, I didn’t intend to leave him alone for the night. I might had been paranoid but I didn’t trust Brahms, nor Sandy that they wouldn’t try to attack each other during the night. I might have just overthought things but I decided it was still better to be too precautious.

“Come on.” I urged Brahms and took his hand, leading him into my room and closed the door behind us.

We climbed into the huge bed and turned off the tiny lamp on my night stand. Even if the bed was big, I ended up in Brahms’ arms as it’d been expected.

“I wouldn’t hurt her.” Brahms suddenly said into the darkness.

I didn’t answer, I was too tired for making a conversation.

“I know you don’t trust me and that’s why you wanted me to sleep here, pretty Ali. I’m not stupid. ” He whispered.

“I don’t trust her either.” I murmured, keeping my eyes closed.

I almost fell asleep when I heard Brahms’ deep voice again.

“Kiss?” He asked.

I didn’t answer, I was literally too tired to move. _He’ll survive one night without a goodnight kiss._

“Kiss.” He said again, now in a demanding voice.

“You’re in my bed now. I make the rules here. So why don’t _you_ kiss _me_ goodnight this time?” I whispered, my eyes closed, still didn’t bother to move. I hoped I could avoid moving my sore and tired body with this little trick.

Brahms hesitated and I thought he fell asleep without his desired goodnight kiss when suddenly I felt his thumb on my face, searching for my lips. After he’d found them, he leaned over me and gave me a small kiss.

He didn’t lie back down though. For my biggest surprise, he pressed his lips against mine one more time, now with a more explicit motion, forcing my mouth to slightly open up and return his kiss. I wanted nothing else more than sleeping but I was too tired to protest so I just let his lips and tongue conquer every inch of my own for the third time that night.

After he’d pulled away, I turned my head, buried my face into his side and fell asleep right away.

*

I woke up in Brahms’ arms, feeling just as warm and protected than the last time we slept in one bed. Although this time I couldn’t abolish the horrifying pictures from my head about burying someone. Someone, who’d been a walking, breathing human being less than two months ago, even if he was an awful one.

I carefully sneaked out of Brahms’ arms, hoping I wouldn’t wake him up, I took my clothes I wanted to wear but when I was about to open the door I heard someone move outside, going into the bathroom. I sighed as I realized Sandy was faster than me. I looked at Brahms, his eyes were still closed so I decided to simply change in my room.

After I’d put on my dark blue jeans and a cozy, beige, knitted sweater I turned around and saw that Brahms was lying in the same position but his eyes were opened and he was staring at me with a look on his face like he didn’t entirely believe what he was seeing.

“I thought you were still sleeping.” I jumped, feeling my cheeks turning into a hot mess.

Brahms didn’t answer, he was running his sleepy but surprised gaze on my body up and down.

_I hope he doesn’t believe I was trying to seduce him, changing my clothes in front of him._

“I’m going downstairs to make something to eat.” I told him and let out a yawn.

Brahms nodded and couldn’t suppress a yawn either.

*

“Just more coffee, please.” Sandy said after we’d eaten our sandwiches.

I weakly smiled at her tired face as I poured more coffee into her mug and handed over the steamy elixir. Brahms didn’t show up for breakfast what meant he whether fell asleep in his lair after he’d gone back inside the walls to change his pyjamas or he was watching us from inside the walls right now. I knew he was shy in general so his retreat didn’t surprise me at all.

Sandy decided to travel back to the airport and just buy a last minute ticket for the next available flight to back home. I called a cab for her but just to be cautious, I asked it for a little further from the house.

 

“Brahms!” I said, looking around in the lobby. “Don’t you want to come out and say goodbye to Sandy?”

For a few seconds nothing could be heard but then Brahms walked out of the living room with a timid look on his face.

He stopped next to me, holding his hands behind him as he looked down at Sandy.

“Goodbye, Brahms.” Sandy told him, she even sent him a tiny smile, even if she was still seemingly scared of him.

“Goodbye.” Brahms responded to her with a polite nod.

We put on our coats with Sandy and just when we were about to open the heavy entrance door Brahms turned to her again.

“Please, tell her I’m sorry.” He said in a timid but deep voice.

Literally, tears gathered in my eyes from pride in that moment. Maybe the Greta topic reached its end now with his apology, allowing us to move on and let it go finally.

“I will.” Sandy nodded with a small, surprised smile on her face.

 

I ordered the cab for a spot at the edge of the forest which was fifteen minutes by walking from the manor. We’d been walking silently with Sandy, stepping next to each other on the muddy grass and fallen leaves. Fortunately the rain stopped, leaving only a cloudy, chilly weather behind.

“What a fun Halloween.” I noted with sarcasm in my tone.

“For sure.” Sandy chuckled tiredly. “So… we’ll be accompanies forever, I guess.”

I only let out a long, resigned sigh.

“Hey, I’m…” She started. “I’m sorry for hitting you. It was so wrong and I’m really sorry for doing it.”

“It’s in the past now.” I answered, making a grimace as I relived the unpleasant memory of the hard slap in my face.

“I have to admit I was scared for my life when he lifted me up but he didn’t seem that bad as Greta described him.” Sandy murmured, talking about Brahms obviously.

“He’s not a bad guy, Sandy.” I said. “He’s very problematic and disturbed for sure but his parents kept him inside the walls for his entire life, I’m sure any of us would’ve gone crazy in his place.”

“I think you made him wonders.” She nodded. “He clearly listens to you. He obviously likes you very much.”

“Yeah well… It’s been a busy one and a half months.” I smiled as we were walking forward through the tree maze.

“Weren’t you terrified when you first met him?” She asked suddenly. “Sorry for asking but… It’s just so weird that a smart, young girl like you decides to stay and live with such a disturbed guy. I mean… The whole life is ahead of you, it’s just so unbelievable for me. No offense.”

Her question didn’t surprise me at all.

“I was scared but I always believed I could handle him and he wouldn’t hurt me. I just trusted my intuitions… You must think I’m crazy.” I answered with a small, desperate chuckle. “But… I lost someone in a fire accident when I was a kid and… He looked so insecure about his scars and so lonely that I just couldn’t leave him, you know… I just couldn’t.”

Sandy was clearly thinking about what she’d just heard.

“Like you said, all of us have our reasons, I guess.” She nodded.

“Yeah. And it’s not like I’m gonna stay here with him forever.” I added.

“Does he know that?” Sandy frowned.

“I guess so.” I hesitated. “I never told him I’d stay forever. I also explained him he can’t decide about someone else’s life so he must know for now that he couldn’t control me.”

“So you just want to teach him more about life and then leave, continue to live your life somewhere else?” She asked in a tender voice with honest interest about my plans.

“Pretty much.” I said.

Sandy formed her lips into a weird smile.

“What is it?” I asked with a mistrustful look.

“Nothing.” She answered, looking a little embarrassed.

“Come on, tell me.” I insisted.

“I saw how you looked at him.” She blurted out in a careful voice.

“What?” I laughed. “I can assure you no matter what you saw, it’s nothing like that.”

“Come on, Alison. I recognize that look in another woman’s eyes.” She held on her opinion.

I felt my cheeks were heating up, starting to feel uncomfortable in the conversation.

“If you’re talking about how I was holding his hand yesterday, it was only to calm him down, I obviously didn’t want him to freak out again.” I explained, trying to sound factual.

“I didn’t just mean that.” She said. “It’s simply the way you look at him.”

I didn’t answer. I exactly knew I was attracted to Brahms but a stranger telling me how obvious it was, pretty much shocked me.

 _I can’t be_ that _attracted to him, can I?_

“Okay. He didn’t sleep in his bed, did he? I saw a pack of marshmallows on his bed in the same position it had been before we went to bed.” Sandy added.

I automatically made a grimace about what great eyes she had.

“God, I’m sorry, I know it’s not my business.” Sandy apologized, noticing my facial expression. “I’m so rude.”

“It’s okay.” I said silently. “He has a room in the walls. I guess Greta mentioned it.”

I had no idea why I cared so much about what this girl would think about me but I would’ve felt incredibly embarrassed if she believed I was a silly, naive girl for falling for the bad guy.

“Okay, I understand. Sorry.” She nodded. “It’s just… That was so scary what he said about Greta being _his_ to love, you know? And Greta told me how he’d grabbed her and tried to make out with her when she’d put him in bed. With the mask on his face but still… Are you sure you’re safe with him? Only the two of you in that house?”

I sighed. In Greta’s place I would’ve been terrified for sure as well. But my case was different.

“I know it’s gonna sound bad but he was really convinced Greta was _his_ , thanks to that stupid letter his parents wrote to him. He’d been lonely without anyone even talking to him for his whole life and instead of experiencing real human connections he’d been reading tons of romantic love stories. I believe he created this romantic fantasy in his head about him and Greta, loving each other for eternity and in his mind it couldn’t have ended any other way than Greta realizing she loved him back and living a happily ever after. He didn’t realize what he was doing was wrong. I’m actually happy you decided to find me because at least finally I had the guts to explain to him how he can’t force someone’s love. Not emotionally, nor physically. And I’m gonna explain it to him again and again until he really understands.”

I held a small break, looking determined at Sandy.

“What I’m trying to say is he never thought I was _his,_ if it makes sense. And that’s a huge difference between Greta’s and my situation, I believe.”

“You’re really smart, aren’t you?” Sandy said with wondering face. “You’re also very brave, Alison. I hope you’re right and he doesn’t believe you’re _his_ now.”

“I’ve been trying my best to teach him that we don’t own people.” I murmured. “I’d just like to help him. I think he could live a mostly ordinary life in the future.”

“Are you sure that’s possible?” Sandy asked.

I hesitated to answer.

“I think it might be. He improved so much only in less than two months.”

“Look, I know we probably won’t be best friends but I just don’t want you to get hurt.” She added. “I mean… He might have changed a lot thanks to you, but the whole story about that little girl, Emily… It’s just way too sick.”

_What is she talking about? Who’s Emily?_

“Emily?” I asked with a confused face.

“You know.” She frowned at me. “The little girl whose body had been found in the forest at Brahms’ birthday, right before the fire started. Greta and Malcolm are convinced he killed her.”

Sandy’s words hit me more than if she'd just slapped me in the face again. I was shocked like somebody would’ve poured a bucket of ice cold water in my neck.

_Did Brahms kill someone else other than Cole?_


	34. The Emily Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Alison’s a bit clueless about stuff we know already so it's time for her to learn about Emily Cribbs, right? :)

“Yeah, sure, Emily.” I pretended I knew what Sandy had been talking about even if I had absolutely no idea. “Of course.”

“Those photos Greta found in the attic… What kind of crazy parents store photos of a girl who was murdered by their son? It’s kinda disturbing they put those pictures in the family album, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, you’re right.” I nodded like I hadn’t just heard it for the first time. “It’s very disturbing.”

We were standing there in silence, I was shocked by the new information I’d heard but tried not to show it to Sandy. I didn’t want to seem stupid and the clueless, naive little girl who protected the murderer without even knowing about half of his sins.

_But I need to know about what Brahms has done. I need to find out more._

“Did Greta find out the whole story about what happened to Emily?” I asked without revealing my unawareness.

“Well, Brahms didn’t tell her anything of course.” She murmured. “She only knows what Malcolm told her. There was this girl Emily who used to play with Brahms once a week, than on his eighth birthday her body was found in the forest, her skull crushed. The cops wanted to question Brahms but the place was up in flames when they arrived. They never found Brahms’ body. Greta and Malcolm believe his parents hid him inside the walls and the fire was an act to fake his death.”

“It’d be too much of a coincidence otherwise, wouldn’t it?” I asked after I swallowed hard.

“It’s not only that.” She started with honest worry in her voice. “Greta told me when she escaped, Brahms started to scream at her that if she leaves, he would kill Malcolm, just like the others.”

“The others?” I repeated, my heart beating fiercely.

“Emily probably. Greta believes he meant Emily and Cole. But who knows. There might have been others as well. Hopefully not. But _others_ , you know… There certainly was another person besides Cole and we’re pretty sure it was Emily.” Sandy said.

She was looking at me with pity and compassion in her eyes. Even if she believed I’d already known about the Emily thing, I couldn’t have known about what Brahms had told Greta about the “others” he’d killed.

I tried to keep myself together, not to break visibly but in reality I died that moment on the inside.

_There might have been something really wrong with Brahms’ brain even before he got burnt and been forced into the walls._

 

I didn’t get more new information from Sandy. When we reached the spot next to the old road, the cab was already there, waiting for its passenger. We said goodbye in between the trees without the old driver seeing me, we decided it was safer this way. Obviously, it wasn’t an emotional goodbye with hugs and tears, we didn’t intend to stay in contact and it was probably for the best. But the very last look we shared with Sandy reflected compassion from both of our sides. We knew we’d be chained together by the previous night for life.

 

After I’d seen the car leave I let my thoughts go wild in my head.

Sandy’s words hit me like lightening would hit a lonely tree on the open field. My legs were trembling, I completely froze and I wasn’t able to move.

_So it’s true. Brahms indeed was already disturbed before the fire. How do I stand a chance than to change him?_

First when Sandy mentioned the Emily thing, I convinced myself that there must’ve been another explanation. But if Brahms screamed at Greta he’d kill Malcolm just like the _others… That clearly means there was at least another person whose life he ended._

I started to feel sick in my stomach, so I pressed my forehead against a tree and clenched my eyes. I was taking deep breaths to calm myself down as I felt the cold, wet rind on my skin.

I didn’t exactly feel shocked because there had been something wrong with Brahms before the fire as well. Deep down I knew his parents probably didn’t hide him inside the walls for fun. But the fact that I was so blind and naive and I simply didn’t want to face the truth which had been right in front of my eyes all along because I desperately wanted to protect him and make a decent man out of him.

But this time it became a reality and I knew I couldn’t ignore the facts anymore. At least I got an explanation why his parents had tried to force him to stay a child forever. It was safer for them this way, they at least had some control of their son by telling him if he was a good boy or not. But even if they tried to protect him they only made everything worse. They created tons of suppressed emotions, desires and rage in him which only added more to his already problematic mind.

_“We simply cannot bear to live with what we have allowed you to become.”_

_More like, you simply cannot bear to live with what you have made him to become._ I thought angrily.

I turned around and pushed my back against the old tree, as I started to think how this new information changed things.

_I know now he’d never been an ordinary kid but I still don’t know what exactly was wrong with him. I know he’d been very shy and reserved, he didn’t want to play with other children for whatever reason and his parents tried everything to make him more social. They even blamed his creativity, his passion for drawing._

_I know for sure he isn’t a sociopath or psychopath, he has real emotions and capable of feeling guilt and compassion. So there still needs to be a chance to help him. I just can’t give up now, can I?_

My head started to hurt like hell, so much had happened only in two days. I decided to walk back to the manor, I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do.

_Should I run and scream for help? That would be ridiculous. I knew from the very first moment he was a murderer. He killed Cole, end of story. And I still chose to stay with him, didn’t I?_

 

I hadn’t been this far from the manor since I’d arrived in September and a tiny voice in my head screamed at me that I was a fool to walk inside that house and into Brahms’ arms for the second time. Right then when I was just free to leave.

_But I’m free to leave anytime, aren’t I? He’s not forcing me to stay here, he would just let me go if I decide to leave, right? I’m not his and I’ve never been. And I never will be. I can’t be chained up and he knows it._

These thoughts were racing in my mind as I opened the heavy wooden entrance door and walked inside the castle of the “beast” again.

“Brahms?” I asked carefully.

I thought he’d be standing there in the lobby, waiting for me to ask what had been taking so long. But he wasn’t there, nor did he answer for me calling his name.

I was walking into the kitchen to drink a glass of water, then I dragged myself to the living room to sit down on the comfortable sofa so I could rest a little after the long, crazy night. My steps were silent, I tried to avoid meeting Brahms now. I was so bad at lying, I didn’t know how I would hide my suspicious facial expressions and my rumbling thinking about the Emily thing from him.

I stepped inside the living room and I jumped as I saw the man of the house lying on the sofa, his eyes closed, his chest moving up and down in a slow rhythm. He was sleeping.

I walked closer while I was thinking how much I didn’t expect this view to welcome me. I sat down next to him carefully.

He was lying on his back, so tall he almost occupied the full length of the giant sofa. His head resting on a pillow, one arm on his belly and the other one right next to his head. He was wearing his dirty-white knitted cardigan, the light color making a nice contrast with his dark hair.

He looked so peaceful, calm, even adorable that in the moment it was hard to believe he could ever hurt anyone.

_Stop it, Alison. He’s not adorable. He murdered a little girl. You cannot think he’s adorable, for heaven’s sake! Everyone looks sweet when they’re sleeping, get over it._ I told myself pretty annoyed, feeling ashamed I thought Brahms looked innocent while sleeping.

_He’s not innocent at all._

I slightly shook my head like I just couldn’t understand how life could be so complicated and cruel sometimes. I took a dark blanket and put it on Brahms, covering him entirely, leaving out only his head.

Suddenly he let out a long sigh as he woke up. He opened his eyes and looked at me.

I’d been fixating his eyes for a while but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find the evil look in them.

“She’s gone.” I said to him finally, talking about Sandy. “You couldn’t stay awake as I see.”

I saw a little embarrassment on his face as he looked up at me.

“It’s okay.” I yawned. “I’m sleepy too.”

I realized how tired I actually was, I could barely keep my eyes opened and additionally, every inch of my body hurt from digging the grave.

Brahms suddenly lifted up the blanked, removing it from his body, then gently grabbed my upper arms, pulling me on his chest. When I was lying on him, he pulled the blanket over us, covering my back as well, then he slid his arms under the heavy material to hug me.

I sighed as I was finally able to relax my sore body. I wanted to start thinking of how I would ask Brahms about his past but I just couldn’t force my brain to work properly. Finally lying in a comfortable position in Brahms’ arms made me realize how exhausted I was. His scent was intoxicating me and the dark thoughts were gone in a second, I felt dizzy, my eyelids heavy like they were made of lead.

I fell asleep before I even knew it.

*

I woke up for some wet feeling under my skin. I slowly opened my eyes and realized I was lying on Brahms, his hard chest under my head. He was already awake, his fingers stroking my hair in gentle motions. There was something wet under my face and as I lifted my head up a little to look at Brahms I realized what it was.

I kind of drooled all over his dirty-white cardigan.

“Oops.” I said in a sleepy voice, trying to wipe my own saliva with my hand without much success.

Brahms moved his gaze onto the soaked spot of the material, then looked at me with a half-smirk on his face.

“You’re kinda comfortable, you know.” I tried to make a joke out of the slightly awkward situation.

He tilted his head a little, his smirk widened.

Right when I accepted he was probably in one of those “silent moods” when he simply didn’t really reacted verbally on anything I said to him, he suddenly decided to speak.

“We can sleep like this every night.” He told me.

“You’d be bored with it pretty soon, trust me.” I said jokingly. “Do you still feel your arm?”

“Not really.” He admitted.

I chuckled as I lifted my upper body so he could move his arm from under me. He made a small grimace because of his sore arm and turned to his side, facing me, our heads resting on the pillow.

“It would be worth it.” He said, looking me in the eyes.

I didn’t say anything, I felt hypnotized by his green gaze.

“I know you like sleeping in my arms, Ali.” He continued. “Does it make you feel safe when I hold you while you’re sleeping?”

His eyes were so green, his stare so deep I couldn’t focus on what he was speaking.

“Huh?” I asked with wondering voice, being lost in the sparkling greenness in front of me, not being aware of the world around me anymore.

“Do you feel safe with me, Alison?” He asked and I noticed shyness and impatience in his eyes at the same time.

I suddenly realized what he had just asked me, making me fall back on the ground. His question was not only advanced but also made me remember the whole conversation I’d had with Sandy a few hours earlier.

_How on earth could I feel safe with him when I just learned that he murdered a little girl, Cole not being his only victim?_

I was staring at him, waiting for the fear and delusion to overflow me but nothing happened.

_Why isn’t it happening? Where are the bad feelings? Where’s the fear? Damn it!_

“Alison? Are you alright?” Brahms asked, his voice reflecting honest worry, noticing the grimace on my face.

“I… I’m fine.” I said, my voice shaking though. “I don’t need protection Brahms. I don’t really need to feel safe with anyone, I’m fine on my own, you know? And in my own bed.”

“I’m a strong girl.” I added with a smile because he seemed hurt and disappointed. “And I’m proud of that.”

Brahms frowned, still looking a little hurt.

“What do you think about making dinner?” I asked him to end this pointless conversation about whether I felt safe with him or not.

“Fine.” He said, not sounding that enthusiastic than I’d expected.


	35. How to Deal with Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> Here's a new chapter. I hope you'll like it, I tried to write it in a way so Alison's struggles would be a little funny after all those serious stuff going on (and some more serious is about to come in the next chapters). Enjoy!

The rest of the day was pretty much the same like every other day before Sandy’s appearance. We cooked dinner, I was giving Brahms orders about what to do with the ingredients and he followed them without much hesitation. Besides that we didn’t really talk about anything.

I tried not to think about the Emily thing and tried to treat Brahms like nothing would’ve happened in the woods with Sandy. After the most insane Halloween in my entire life all I wanted was a normal, ordinary evening. I decided I would think about Brahms’ potential craziness after taking one evening break from the painful, endless thinking, giving some break to my tortured brain.

 

“Kiss.” Brahms reminded me of the last rule on his beloved list after I’d tucked him in.

“When did I forget about kissing you goodnight?” I asked a little annoyed as I leaned over his face.

“Good night.” I said after I’d left a kiss on his cheek like every other day.

But Brahms didn’t say anything, moreover, he was looking at me with disappointed eyes.

“What now?” I asked, having no clue what I’d done wrong.

As an answer, he removed his hand from under the covers and gently grabbed both of my upper arms. I was blinking at him, still not understanding what he wanted me to do.

Then he slowly pulled me close to him, back to his face. He closed his eyes, directing me into his lips until they joined together with mine in a soft, short kiss.

“That’s what you want?” I asked after pulling away slowly. “You want me to give the goodnight kiss on your lips from now on?”

He nodded shyly.

“Okay.” I said after some hesitation.

I didn’t want to argue with him tonight, all I wanted was a calm night and a nice, long sleep without stressing about anything else than deciding on which of my sides should I turn to feel more comfortable in my bed.

But it was clearly too much to ask from the universe.

 

I woke up in the middle of the night, gasping and sweating. I sat up in my bed, staring into the darkness and waiting for my heart to stop beating so fast.

I woke up from one of the worst nightmares I ever had. A nightmare that wasn’t exactly a nightmare because it had just happened in real life a day before.

I checked the small alarm clock on my nightstand and sighed painfully as I realized that only an hour and a half had passed since I’d gone to bed. The night was still very long and I already couldn’t wait for the sun to come up and fill my room with light. My stomach felt weird and not in a good way as I anxiously moved my sleepy, sore eyes through the dark room, realizing how scary it looked.

I lay back down on my pillow and pulled the heavy covers over my head. I clenched my eyes, trying to fall asleep again, constantly repeating in my head that it was a onetime thing, I wouldn’t have another nightmare about burying the body.

 

_I’m digging the ground with a shovel in my hand but I stop for a moment because I can’t bear the exhaustion anymore. I realize I’m wearing my grey pyjama sweatpants, my bare feet sank into the cold, soft ground. I’m taking deep breaths as I look around, noticing that I’m standing in the forest, surrounded by tall trees. Everything’s dark, I can’t see any further than the first oaks. I’ve never been this scared ever in my life, I know I have to dig this grave as deep as possible quickly or something incredibly bad is going to happen._

_I desperately continue digging when I suddenly hear whispers from the inside of the grave. It’s so deep that I can’t see the bottom of it, only darkness but I’m terrified what could be in it._

_As I look into the dark hole one more time, I start to feel dizzy, losing my balance and I try not to fall but it’s impossible to hold on to anything. The last thing I sense before I fall into the grave is the unique smell of the wet, freshly dug ground._

 

I suddenly woke up from the intense feeling of falling. I was even sweatier that before, my heart racing like it was planning to break out of my chest. I sat up again, gasping wildly. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and tilted my head to check the time again.

_Damn. It’s still only the middle of the night._

I looked around in the room one more time, like I was trying to find any potential threat, monsters, ghosts or anything evil in the darkness that could attack me. I’d never done anything as fast as pulling my foot under the covers when I realized my toes were sticking out. I came to the point where I had to admit to myself that I was completely terrified alone in the dark.

I felt ashamed about being a grown woman who just lost her common sense because of a stupid nightmare. But the worst thing was that I could still clearly smell the wet ground like I was sitting next to the grave instead of on my bed. The unique, odd smell in my nostrils made me realize that the fear I felt was way stronger than my embarrassment.

 _“Fuck it.”_ I thought and quickly jumped out of my bed, sprinting to the door like I was trying to run away from the monsters living under my bed.

I firmly opened the door and I was so terrified, being still under the effect of the nightmare that in that moment I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if there was a serial killer clown standing right in front of me, waiting for me to come out of my room.

But fortunately no serial killer clown was standing in the dark hall so I basically ran those few feet until I reached the door almost in front of mine. I placed my hand on the doorknob, checking if the fear was still stronger than the shame before I would completely humiliate myself.

But hell, it was.

_Who cares about dignity when the smell of the freshly dug ground is haunting me in the middle of the night?_

So I slowly opened the door, then closed it behind me right away, too scared of potential monsters following me.

I directed my gaze to the bed. The moonlight allowed me to get a clear sight of the amount of curly hair sticking out of under the covers.

Turning my head right and noticing the creepy doll on the rocking chair made me leave all my hesitations behind and hurry to the small bed, climbing under the thick covers and facing the owner of the curly mess in front of my face. He was showing his back to me since he was lying on his left side but I didn’t care, it was better than nothing. At least I wasn’t alone in a dark room. I pulled the covers on me until they reached my ear and I closed my eyes, still shaking from fear like a scared little girl.

After a minute or two Brahms turned on his other side, facing me. He leaned his left arm, being completely clueless about that part of his bed was already occupied by me. The harsh landing of his hand on my back instead of the soft bed woke him up immediately. I kept my eyes closed so I couldn’t see his face, but I could sense how he tried to see what the big bulge next to him was.

I could only hope he wouldn’t kick me out of his bed after hurting his feelings with my little speech in the afternoon about how much I didn’t need protection and someone else to make me feel safe while I was sleeping.

But fortunately he moved even closer and took me in his arms, closing me in his hug. He then rested his face on the top of my head and went back to sleep right away.

Now that I felt his muscles around me and his chest rising up and down in a slow rhythm, my heartbeat calmed down, my breathing took a normal pace again. I wasn’t scared about having a nightmare one more time, I finally felt safe to fall asleep.

_Yes, I feel safe with you._

But my mouth was too heavy, just like those words that couldn’t escape my lips this night, murmuring them only in my head. I fell asleep in a heartbeat, keeping the secret only for myself.

*

“What happened?” Brahms asked after we’d both woken up in his bed.

“What you mean?” I asked back, getting up on my elbows, with one arm on his chest.

“You clearly assured me yesterday that you preferred to sleep in your own bed, Alison.”

His green eyes were wondering over my face, looking confused but satisfied at the same time that I’d changed my mind.

“I…” I felt my cheeks were heating up bad, I not only felt embarrassed about my childish actions in the night but I felt ashamed too. “I had nightmares.”

“About the night before?” Brahms asked.

I saw he didn’t feel too confident about recalling the memory of digging the grave and burying the dead guy in it either.

I nodded.

“I thought it couldn’t be worse than hiding the body in the freezer and covering it with frozen food but… It was so much worse to actually bury it. _It_ was a _him_ not too long ago and we just dag a hole and buried him like it was nothing. I know he was a bad guy… I just… I could smell the wet ground when I woke up last night. I still can smell it.”

I recognized guilt in Brahms’ eyes as he was listening to my mental struggles.

“I’m so sorry, pretty Ali.” He said silently as he stroked the back of my head. “I know it’s all my fault.”

His sudden apology surprised me, I certainly didn’t expect him to say sorry and blame himself for everything we’d had to do.

His gaze was reflecting honest guilt and it somehow made me feel proud again just like when he’d asked Sandy to tell Greta he was sorry. He looked like he genuinely meant it and it made me think that he indeed made a great improvement and started to understand what he’d done wrong that night when Greta left him.

I felt proud of Brahms and also myself that we’d gotten this far. There was only one thing that destroyed my satisfaction and pride. The Emily thing and every other thoughts coming with it.

It was so unfair when things started to get finally pretty good and easy, I just found out this new significant piece of information that took away a big part of my trust in Brahms.

“What happened, happened. You can’t change the past.” I told him. “Just like any other bad things we’ve done in our lives.”

Brahms frowned, although I was quite sure he didn’t understand my hint. I wanted to ask him about Emily and the truth about the fire but I was too scared.

“You can trust me Brahms. You know that, right?”

“Why are you telling this to me, Alison?” He frowned again.

“Just saying.” I murmured. “Honesty is important to me and trust is crucial for it.”

Brahms’ eyes narrowed a little, his hand stopped on my hair. For a heartbeat I believed he was suspecting something but when he spoke again, his voice was calm and tender.

“I trust you, Alison.” He assured. “Honesty is crucial for me as well.”

I forced my lips into a half-smile, without breaking the eye contact, wishing he would’ve just told me the truth about his past on his own but he didn’t. That would’ve been too easy.


	36. Only over Clothes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sure you’ve already realized, but Brahms is getting a little more mature. He’s a fast learner, he’s kind to Alison and basically trying to do everything to make her love him. Alison just learned something really bad about him but he’s actually acting more human than ever and that makes her more and more conflicted every single day. I wonder how long she can live with these ambivalent thoughts and feelings. (Don't worry, not long. :D)
> 
> Also, Brahms' timing is pretty bad with making a move on her. But you'll see.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

Around a week had passed since Halloween but I wasn’t quite sure, I wasn’t counting the days anymore. All of them were the same, the same routine with tons of thinking on my side which I was doing secretly of course, trying my best to hide my thoughts from Brahms. I was still procrastinating asking him about the “Emily thing”.

Nothing really changed, except the tiny little fact that we’d been growing even closer to each other with Brahms. My nightmares were getting better, although I wasn’t able to sleep alone for a few more days. I went to Brahms’ room in the middle of the night and climbed into his bed, right into his arms basically. He knew I was extremely ashamed of myself for my “anti-independent grown woman behavior” so he never really said anything when we woke up next to each other again and again. He let me pretend nothing had happened and I was very grateful for it.

Another change was the goodnight kiss. I had to give it on Brahms’ lips every single night and I was completely fine with that. It was only a short kiss and I genuinely didn’t care where I gave it to him anymore. We grew so close physically since I’d held him a lot during the last two months, so his closeness was already as much the part of my life as eating breakfast or some other equally natural activity. It simply felt natural for me to kiss his lips. Although, it was another terrifying sign, how close we’d been growing with the – _let’s face it_ – murderous baby man.

On the other hand, we hadn’t shared another real, deep kiss since Halloween and that was the only consolation for my “good girl self” who felt incredibly guilty about how comfortable I was around Brahms after my knowledge about the death of little Emily.

So I’d been constantly struggling mentally and emotionally and trying to find a solution or the courage to simply ask Brahms about the “Emily thing”.

*

I was lying comfortably on the sofa, a soft pillow under my head and a book in my hands. I was reading a story about two brothers fighting for inheriting some treasures their parents left behind, only to distract myself from thinking about Brahms and his past.

It went surprisingly well when the curly haired man suddenly walked into the living room and sat down on the sofa right next to me. Without saying a word he lay down, snaked one arm around my body and placed his head on my chest. He basically lay on me, he even put a leg on mine.

“You’re the neediest person I’ve ever met in my entire life.” I said as I tried to get the messy curls out of my face so I could see the pages.

He didn’t say anything, he seemingly made himself comfortable on me.

I put the book on his curly head, technically using him as an underset so I didn’t have to hold the book anymore. It was a small one so Brahms didn’t protest against my actions, he continued cuddling me quietly.

 

“What does _afebrile_ mean?” I asked, finding a word on the page that was unknown for me.

“It means someone doesn’t have fever.” Brahms explained.

“Oh... Thanks.” I said.

“What are you reading?” He asked without moving his head from my chest.

“The doctor examining the man after he was poisoned by his brother.” I answered. “It’s basically about two brothers fighting and hating on each other.”

I sighed and put the book down on the floor and rested my arms around Brahms who was stroking my upper arm, my shoulder and my belly repeatedly. My hands automatically started to move on his back as well.

We’d been caressing each other silently for a while and I was unstoppably thinking about what Sandy had told me.

_Emily and Brahms. Brahms and Emily. Two children playing together, one of them ended with her skull crushed, the other one got half of his head burnt down and locked up inside the walls._

_Why did he kill her? Was she bullying him for being too diffident? Even then, how did he end up freaking out so much that he crushed another kid’s skull with a rock? He can’t be that uncontrollable, he didn’t try to kill Malcolm, nor Sandy._

The shameless move of Brahms broke my thinking mechanism, suddenly pushing me out of my head as I felt his hand sliding under my t-shirt, stroking my bare belly with the same motions as before.

I automatically did what I’d done every time when a guy had been too pushy. I simply reached under my shirt as well, taking his hand and placing it back on my belly but over my shirt. It was a very clear message to back off.

Then I simply sank into my mind, getting lost in my thoughts again like nothing would’ve happened.

_He hit Malcolm on the head, it could’ve ended the same tragic way as the Emily story, it was only luck he didn’t die. Even if he didn’t want to kill him, he could’ve died easily. Would have he handled Malcolm differently now that I explained to him that we don’t hurt people? Since he’s not a psychopath why wasn’t it obvious for him to not hurting others? Why can’t he hold his anger? Shouldn’t I be pissed at him for not telling me about his dark past? And most importantly, why do I feel this safe in his arms after learning more about his darkness?_

All of a sudden, Brahms’ hand was under my t-shirt again, forcing me out of my head for the second time.

I did the same, pushed his hand out of under my t-shirt but now with a more explicit motion.

He tilted his head so he could look at me, he probably wanted to check my facial expression if I was angry with him.

“Only over clothes.” I specified the unspoken rules of caressing.

“Why?” Brahms asked.

I rolled my eyes and let out a frustrated sigh.

“Just let me think, okay?” I asked in a moody tone.

Brahms didn’t rest his head back on my chest, he moved up onto the pillow so his face was in one line with mine. He looked me in the eyes.

“What are you thinking about?” He asked in an interested voice.

“Nothing. Nothing important.” I murmured.

“You think too much.” He noted.

“You don’t say.” I answered.

“It must be tiring.” Brahms said in a wondering voice.

“It is.” I blurted out. “It is very tiring.”

“Why don’t you stop then?” He asked, while he was still stroking my waist and belly.

“Because I can’t.” I answered silently in a resigned tone as I looked at him as well. “I can’t stop my brain.”

My head started to hurt so I wished I could stop thinking for a while.

“I might be able to help you.” He told me, his green eyes still locked with mine.

“How? Would you switch off my brain?” I let out a small, sarcastic chuckle.

“You just need to be in the present moment, Alison.” Brahms said.

I frowned at him with a skeptical facial expression.

“I needed to learn to let go and be in the moment or I would’ve gone mad by myself in the same room.” He explained, looking slightly embarrassed.

I was surprised that he was willingly telling me about his life inside the walls.

“You learned it as a child to survive but I don’t think it’s possible for me after 26 years.” I said.

Brahms was wondering over my face with his gaze.

“Why don’t you allow yourself to be in the moment, pretty Ali?” He asked finally. “How can you be so strict to yourself?”

I didn’t like his questions because they aimed to my weaknesses so I just looked away from him with a grumpy face.

“Let me fondle you.” Brahms said suddenly.

“I let you all the time.” I answered. “You’re doing it right now.”

“I mean, under your clothes.” He added.

I tried to ignore how his words sent an electric shiver though my body.

“Why?” I asked.

“You really just can’t stop thinking, can you?” He asked back with a half-smile.

I couldn’t help but giggled because he was so right. I just couldn’t let go.

“No, Brahms. I can’t let you do that.” I told him with a serious face now.

“Why not?” He asked. “I know you like my touches.”

“How would you know?” I asked with innocent eyes.

“Don’t dodge my question, Alison.” He said in his deep voice.

I hesitated to say anything.

“I… I can fondle you under your clothes if that’s what you want.” I said, still avoiding the straight answer.

“Can you?” He asked, stroking his fingers on my t-shirt over my belly area. “And how’s that fair?”

“I’m fine with it.” I tried to convince him. “I wouldn’t mind.”

 _If I touched him I would feel in control but if I let him touch me I’d feel vulnerable and I can’t let myself feel that way._ I answered his question honestly in my head, admitting to myself that deep down I was very much craving his touch.

He was gazing my face like he was trying to see through me and find my true reasons.

“No.” He said firmly. “I’d like to make you feel good as well.”

His words and determination made me smile. I stroked his face and moved closer to him for a cuddle, still smiling, while I was playing with his hair over his neck.

“No, Brahms.” I told him after looking into his eyes again. “Only over my clothes. Sorry.”

I turned on my side and faced the backrest of the sofa, turning my back on Brahms, expressing my intention to close the uncomfortable conversation.

Brahms didn’t leave though, he continued stroking my arm and waist. He then moved closer to me, his body clinging to mine from behind. He brushed my hair away from my neck and started to leave small kisses on the sensitive skin. Suddenly the electric feeling hit me hard, this time too strong to ignore.

Not long after, his kisses got wet and more passionate, causing my whole body to shiver.

“Brahms…” I sighed, panicking that I’d lose control. “Stop it.”

“You said only over your clothes. That’s what I’m doing.” He whispered into my ear.

I automatically pushed my butt backwards against his groin as my body desperately wanted to give in for the stimulation after all those weeks I’d demanded my hips to stay still. Brahms let out a deep groan into my ear and deepened the kisses he was constantly leaving on the crook of my neck. He pressed his crotch harder against my butt, letting me know about his growing arousal.

He was stroking my belly over the hem of my jeans, then started to play with the button. I sighed as he bit my ear gently and I let out a tiny chuckle as the realization hit me that he was doing the exact same thing I’d done to him a few weeks ago in his bed, kissing and biting his neck and ear. The idea that Brahms had learned those tricks from me, turned me on even more. I couldn’t order my body to stop, it automatically started to tease him, moving those hips of mine against his crotch continually, causing him to sigh loudly into my ear again and again. I formed my lips into a smug at what a strong effect I was able to make on Brahms.

I felt his hesitation but after playing with the button for a while, he slowly unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans. I breathed in and out sharply as I felt his hand under the material.

“That’s definitely not over my clothes…” I started to panic.

But my voice faded as his hand slowly moved under my panties, while I was trying to suppress the burning guilt about breaking my own “only over clothes” rule.

Brahms let out a confused moan as his fingers easily slid between my folds.

“Why are you so wet?” He asked, his voice quiet but full of lust.

I smiled as I remembered how clueless he was about female body.

“It’s because of your touches and kisses.” I said with a loud sigh, his hand feeling too good to explain more.

My words made him let out a silent groan again, then he continued kissing my neck while his fingers were slowly discovering the new, unfamiliar area, the leisurely strokes of his fingers causing my breathing to become shaky. I didn’t tell him what to do, I just closed my eyes and let him touch me the way he wanted to at my most sensitive spot.

I tilted my head backwards, offering his lips more access to my skin, while I was circling my hips against his crotch and moving my body on his hand at the same time.

Our delicious bonding didn’t last too long though because right when ecstasy started to overflow my entire body, the doorbell’s sharp sound pervaded the building, making the both of us jump.

For a moment I didn’t even know what was happening around me, I could only focus on Brahms’ body behind me and his hand under my underwear.

“What day is it?” I asked as we separated and sat up on the couch.

“Friday.” Brahms answered with an annoyed sigh. “Delivery day.”

“Damn…” I cursed as we both stood up.

After buttoning my jeans I moved my gaze through myself, being scared that my appearance would betray what happened on the couch a few seconds ago.

We’d been staring at each other for a while with Brahms, still under the effect of what had just happened between us. Then after reaching a silent agreement only by changing an explicit look, we left to the opposite directions, Brahms into the walls and I into the lobby to welcome Rose.


	37. In the Attic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever been in a situation where you were too scared to hear a straight answer so you rather chose to go behind another person’s back, still hoping that the truth wasn’t as bad as it seemed? That's what Alison chooses to do. Sad thing is that Brahms is just learning to trust her and he's doing pretty well.
> 
> Thank you so much for 208 kudos, I was so happy when I reached 200. I never would've thought when I started writing this that people would like it and support it from the very first chapter but it just feels incredible. It means the world for me after so much work I've put into writing this story about Alison and Brahms and making it as unique as possible. Thank you to all of you who support me!

“Absolutely no.” Brahms protested in an explicit voice.

“Why not?” I asked, my face red from anger.

I couldn’t believe an hour ago we’d been lying on the sofa with Brahms fondling me in a way he’d never done before and now we were standing in the lobby, fighting.

“Because you cannot leave the house. You said you’d respect my rules, Alison.” Brahms explained, the unharmed side of his face just as red as mine.

Rose left five minutes ago and we’d been arguing since then. The sweet blonde girl basically nagged me to hang out with her at least for a coffee in town because she’d been worried about me, sitting in a creepy mansion on my own. Brahms obviously freaked out at the idea I’d have some fun outside of his house.

“You need to be more flexible, Brahms.” I told him, trying to calm down. “She’s gonna get suspicious if I reject her all the time.”

“She’ll get over it.” Brahms argued.

“What if she won’t?” I asked. “She didn’t understand that I didn’t go to that Halloween party either.”

Brahms made a slightly hurt facial expression which I didn’t like at all.

“Did you want to go to that party?” He asked, his eyes narrowed.

“Yeah, maybe. Is that so wrong?”

“It is, if you wanted to go rather than spend time with me.” He answered angrily.

“I’m spending all my time with you. Literally all of it.” I started to lose my temper since I’d been doing everything for this guy for the last two months. “Maybe…”

“Maybe what?” Brahms asked.

I hesitated to answer but the words wanted to leave my mouth too much.

“Maybe I need some air.”

Brahms stepped closer to me.

“Do you feel like drowning with me, Alison?”

I couldn’t decide if he was mad or hurt. Probably both.

“I do sometimes.” I answered honestly. “But that’s not a bad thing, Brahms, it’s completely normal. I want to be here with you but sometimes I need to go out a little. Go for a walk, communicate with others, that’s all.”

Brahms didn’t say anything, I sensed how much he was trying not to have a tantrum.

“Why don’t you trust me after all this time?” I asked.

“Would you come back to me?” He asked after some hesitation.

“Of course I would. I’d drink something with Rose and then come back. I’d be out only for a few hours.” I tried to convince him.

He didn’t react, he was silently wondering over my face with his gaze, then suddenly turned his back on me and left. And I let him. He clearly needed to think on his own, probably he’d realize how abnormal it was to be so paranoid and possessive over people.

I went to the kitchen to start making dinner. While I was cutting and cleaning the vegetables, I was thinking about everything that had been keeping my mind occupied lately.

Mostly the "Emily thing", obviously. I got to the point in the past days where I literally started to get stomach cramps every time the topic popped up in my head. It was so frustrating how little I knew about Brahms’ childhood and I knew I should’ve simply asked him but I was scared. I was scared that he’d freak out and shout me out completely, all the hard work of the last two months going into waste. Or worse.

Then I remembered what Sandy had told me. She told me that Greta had mentioned she’d found a photo album with Emily’s photos in the attic. I’d been thinking about sneaking upstairs into the attic and search for the album but I clearly didn’t have the guts to do it. But my frustration rose so high now that I decided I was going to do it finally.

_Tonight._

 

I felt Brahms’ body clinging to mine from behind, his arms around my hips. I was standing at the kitchen counter, just finished washing the dishes from dinner.

“Okay, pretty Ali. I trust you.” He said calmly, resting his chin on the top of my head.

“You do?” I asked in surprise.

“Yes. You earned my trust.”

I turned around, meeting his gaze. I grinned at him, my triumph strong. I was able to convince him to let me go out with Rose.

“I’m proud of you, Brahms.” I told him. “You made a very grown up decision.”

He looked down at me and I saw pride in his green eyes. He was proud of himself as well for defeating his paranoia.

“You’re such a good boy.” I praised.

He sent me a small smile then suddenly pulled away, turned around and walked to the kitchen door.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“I’m going to take a shower.” He answered. “We can meet upstairs and read a bedtime story.”

“Are you going to shower in your room inside the walls?” I asked, trying to avoid looking suspicious.

_It would be the perfect opportunity to check the attic._

Brahms nodded.

“As usual.”

I smiled at him and watched his back as he left the kitchen and disappeared.

_It’s time to act._

I’d been trying to open the damn attic’s opening with the heavy bat I’d found next to the wall. I’d been fighting with it for a few minutes already without any success. It was so heavy, I was gasping from straining.

“ _Okay, one more time.”_ I thought, gathering all the strength left in me and pulling the shaft of the bat as hard as I could. For a moment I imagined how ridiculous I must have looked while I was literally clinging on the metal thing, using my whole weight to open it.

But this time I succeeded, it opened up, with small stairs landing on the floor. I partly opened my mouth from surprise, I didn’t believe I’d managed to do it.

For a second I imagined what Brahms would do to me if he caught me sneaking in the attic, investigating his well-hid past, but I quickly climbed up on the stairs, leaving my hesitation behind.

_This might be my only chance to go upstairs._

The dusty air filled my nostrils as I stood on my feet again after climbing up. It was dark but the opening gave me enough light to find the small bulb hanging from the ceiling.

I looked around, my heart beating faster as I imagined the most terrifying things I could find up there. But actually all I saw was old, abandoned stuff.

I was trying to find the photo album with my eyes and I suddenly caught a glimpse of a small wooden box standing right under the bulb. I sat on my knees next to it, feeling my heart pounding wildly as I found the family album on the bottom of the box.

_“Okay, that was pretty easy.”_ I thought as I opened the small, brown album.

The first pages were full of Brahms’ baby photos and even if I was scared to death that he’d find me here, I couldn’t help but grinned widely at the pictures. He was such a chubby baby, dressed in a thick, light blue sweater, holding a pink plush doll that was almost as big as baby Brahms.

I turned the page and the grin slowly faded away from my face. The next photos were about the child Brahms, around the age of seven. Those pictures weren’t as cute as the baby ones. Child Brahms looked grumpy and his features lacked any emotions on every single picture in the album, just like on the enormous painting in the staircase.

He didn’t seem comfortable being around with his parents and with that blonde girl.

_“Wait a second, is that Emily?”_ I thought while I was staring at the blonde girl on the pictures.

She looked a little bigger than Brahms, maybe she was a few years older. She had a cheerful smile on her face on every single photo which made Brahms’ inexpressive face look even odder. I noticed the girl was always in the middle, Brahms mostly stood in the background.

I removed a picture about the two children from the album to check it from closer. The way child Brahms was fixating the little girl was just way beyond creepy. _If there’s a thing “death stare” then it’s definitely it._

I turned the picture and noticed the handwriting on the back.

_“Brahms Heelshire & Emily Cribbs_

_8 th Birthday”_

_So this is her, this is Emily. The little girl Brahms murdered at the same day the photo was taken. Emily Cribbs. Cribbs…_

I was sure I’d heard that surname before. I frowned from concentration as I was trying to remember where exactly I’d heard it. My gaze automatically wondered down onto my still new, white long sleeved t-shirt that Rose brought me a few weeks ago.

Suddenly a conversation with Rose popped up in my mind.

She said the Heelshires had agreements with not only the grocery shop but also with other kinds of shops and I was basically free to ask for anything. _Anything, except toys because the Cribbs family owns the toy shop in town and the Heelshires didn’t have a smooth relationship with them._

I swallowed hard as I remembered Rose’s words about the bad relationship between the two families.

_Is it because Emily’s parents knew that Brahms killed their daughter?_

A strong shiver ran down on my spine as I looked back down at the photo.

I found it incredibly heartbreaking that the photograph I was holding in my hand was the last picture ever taken of both of those children.

_How could things end up so bad that the cheerful blonde was found dead in the woods? Maybe they went to play into the forest and things were getting bad, maybe Emily was scorning Brahms and he lost his temper and hit her with a rock._

For a moment the criminologist in me wished I could’ve seen Emily’s autopsy to know which part of her skull had been crushed and if the murder weapon was indeed a rock or something else. I truly believed that every single detail would’ve mattered to find out what had happened.

I sighed from frustration as I realized that I didn’t get much smarter by sneaking into the attic. My stomach made a turn as I imagined what Brahms would do in rage if he caught me upstairs, investigating his dark secrets. I put the photo back into the album and placed it in the box in front of me.

I switched off the bulb and quietly climbed down from the attic, my heart racing. I looked around but fortunately didn’t see Brahms anywhere near.

I barely touched the small staircase when it suddenly curled back up on its own, making a terrifying sound as it closed.

_Shit!_ I jumped, covering my mouth with my palm to suppress a scream.

But Brahms didn’t appear.

I was standing there in the hall for another few minutes, too scared to move. But the tall, curly haired man was still nowhere.

I walked inside the bathroom to wash my dusty hands, finally feeling relieved that I got away with my little secret visit in the attic. After my hands were clean and dust free, I went into my room to pick up my pink bath robe which I’d left on my bed in the morning. I walked back into the bathroom to take a shower quickly but I realized I’d left my hair brush in my room.

When I stepped outside of the bathroom I saw Brahms standing there in the hall next to my bedroom door, watching me.

“Jesus, Brahms.” I jumped. “You scared me.”

He didn’t say anything, he slowly walked towards me, only stopping when he towered over me. The bottom of his dark hair was wet, he clearly took a shower in his lair.

_Was he this tall before?_ I asked myself, swallowing hard as I thought about what he could do to me if I pissed him off with my secret investigation.

I couldn’t read his face but he didn’t seem angry.

“Why are you so jumpy, pretty Ali?” He asked in a tender voice.

“I’m always jumpy when I don’t hear you and you just appear all of a sudden.” I tried to force a smile on my face but I was shaking on the inside. I hated lying, I was so bad at it most of the time.

Brahms gazed me from up to toe.

“Why didn’t you get ready for bed?” He asked, his voice silent.

I swallowed but tried to sound as natural as usual.

“I needed to do some organizing in my closet before taking a shower and I got lost in it.” I lied and I was satisfied with myself, my voice pretty natural and firm. I even sent him a smile.

Maybe I was just hallucinating but I could swear I saw a spark of sadness in Brahms’ eyes. Sadness or disappointment. _Maybe even heartbreak?_

“Do you want me to tell a bedtime story for you?” I asked to cheer him up.

He didn’t answer, he only made a very short humming sound, his eyes wondering over my face. He then slowly closed me in his arms and hugged me the same way he’d done it usually. But then he pulled me even closer to him so our front sides would touch from up to toe. His body was warm and he smelled like fresh soap.

“Or…” He started slowly.

He buried his face into my hair, then moved his lips on my face down to my neck. I felt that my knees slightly started to tremble as I tilted my head a little to one side so his lips would have more access to my neck.

But he didn’t start to leave kisses on my skin. He only stroked his lips up to my ear and then stopped, tightening his arms around me like he was trying to pull me closer to him even if he knew it was impossible.

I heard his sighs and felt his warm breath on my face, not knowing what he was trying to do.

But then he talked again.

“Or you could tell me what you were doing in my attic behind my back.” He whispered into my ear.


	38. Rage and Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> I noticed lately that many of you asked me when I upload next or if I continue this story, so I decided to clarify and explain things. I upload every other day (I've been doing it since the first chapters), so the next chapter is coming on the 25th and so on. For now I can do it and upload this often but if I don't in the future, I'll let you know. I'm determined to bring this story to an end and obviously life can happen but if I need a break or something, I'll tell you. :)
> 
> Thank you for your comments after Chapter 37, I decided I wouldn't answer them in the comment section this time but I read all and you guys made my day for sure. It makes me so happy that you're excited about the story, I grinned like a fool after every single comment. :) <3
> 
> Sorry for the cliffhanger by the way, I know it was mean. :D Hopefully you'll forgive me after this one, although it'll continue, one chapter isn't enough to solve the mess Alison created. ;) Enjoy!

The blood froze in my veins.

_He knows._

I had no idea what to do, my heart had never beaten so fast before. He was holding me in his grip so tight, there was no way I could’ve freed myself. My forehead was still pressed against his chest and he was still keeping his lips on my ear.

I only knew one thing. No matter I was literally scared for my life, I had to try to stay as calm as possible because fighting and screaming would’ve pissed him off even more.

Brahms’ fist found my hair, grabbing a part of it, pulling my head backwards and forcing me to look at him. He was gentle though, he didn’t hurt me. _At least not yet._ As our eyes met I noticed he looked more hurt and heartbroken than angry.

“Give me a chance to explain.” I stuttered, trying not to shake but my voice clearly betrayed the fear I felt.

It probably wasn’t a wise sentence to say since a dark shadow appeared in Brahms’ eyes and the sadness and heartbreak turned into pure rage. I’d never seen him this angry and I finally realized in what a big danger I was as he tightened his grip around my hair, causing me to hiss in pain.

Then all of a sudden he let go of my hair and slid his arms down onto the back of my thighs, lifting me up in a heartbeat. I had no idea how I still got composure but I managed not to put up a fight or start to scream while he was taking me into my own bedroom.

He threw me on the bed and before I could’ve tried to sit up and move away, he sat on my crotch, placing his whole weight on me so I couldn’t escape from him. He leaned close to my face and grabbed both of my wrists, pinning them down on the bed next to my head.

I was literally shaking in fear under him, the burning rage in his eyes was something I could only imagine he was capable of but now there it was in front of me.

“I already gave you a chance, Alison.” He growled in my face.

“I’m sorry.” My voice was shaking, I turned my head so I wouldn’t have to look at Brahms’ terrifying facial expression.

“Look at me.” He demanded in his deep, husky voice.

But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was too scared to see the unfamiliar anger in his eyes.

He caught my chin with one hand and forced my head back into its previous position so our eyes could meet again.

“You know I can’t stand liars.” He gasped, his face only a few inches from mine.

“I’m sorry, Brahms.” That was all I could say. Even if we’d spent weeks hugging and touching, this kind of closeness wasn’t anything like that, it was intimidating and terrifying.

“Tell me what you were looking for.” He demanded. “And don’t you lie to me again.”

I didn't intend to lie to him one more time, I hadn't lost my mind.

“I w-was…looking for a photo album.” I stammered.

Brahms tilted his head, maybe he expected a different kind of answer.

“Why?” He asked.

“Sandy mentioned that Greta had told her about some photos she’d found in the attic. So I… Wanted to see them as well.”

“What kind of photos, Alison?”

I couldn’t decide if he genuinely didn’t know which photos I was talking about or he just wanted me to say it. But I decided it was enough, I was so fed up with silently being torn about everything that I just wanted to simply ask him.

“Photos of you and Emily Cribbs.” I blurted out.

Brahms’ thin lips twitched.

“Sandy told me about her, Brahms. I know everything.”

He was holding his lips clenched for a few very long seconds and I saw fear appear in his eyes besides rage.

“Is that why you want to go out with the grocery girl? Did you lie about that as well?”

“No!” I shook my head.

“Do you want to leave me, Alison?” He asked, his voice silent which made him sound heartbroken again.

“No, Brahms.” I said, although my voice wasn’t that confident.

“Don’t lie to me!” He raised his tone this time.

One part of me wanted to assure him that I would never leave without talking it through with him but my other half wasn’t so sure anymore after how much he was scaring me now. So I didn’t say anything, I just turned my head again, looking away from his eyes. I only wanted one thing and that was getting out of this horrible situation as quickly as possible.

Brahms didn’t say anything. He slowly let go of my wrists and sat up, still on my crotch. He formed his hands into fists, his body shaking from the intense emotions. For a moment I thought he was going to hit me so I automatically moved my arms over my face as a defense mechanism.

But he just released his fists and slowly stood up from the bed, looking down at me. I used my sudden freedom to sit up on my knees, flinching a little from Brahms.

Although, he didn’t do anything scary anymore. I looked up at him and I was surprised to see that the fury from his eyes was gone. He simply looked heartbroken. _Incredibly heartbroken._

“How could you, Ali?” He asked, his voice silent.

I was very much relieved he didn’t hurt me but in that moment his reaction was even worse than if he had hit me.

I couldn’t believe a minute ago I’d been scared for my life because of Brahms and now I was feeling sorry for him.

_How the hell can he make me feel so conflicted?!_

Words couldn’t describe the way I was feeling, I couldn’t say anything. I was literally fighting against my tears, I just couldn’t handle the intensity of the situation.

After another few painful seconds Brahms finally broke the eye contact, lowering his head. Then he turned away from my bed and hurried out of the room I had no idea where, leaving me there still sitting on my knees with a single teardrop rolling down on my cheek.

*

Some time had passed, at least an hour and I was still lying on my bed, hugging my knees. There had been complete silence in the building since Brahms had left the room. I didn’t know where he’d gone, whether he was still in the house or he decided to run into the forest like other times he couldn’t have controlled his emotions.

I felt ashamed for going behind his back and making him feel betrayed. Regardless the bad things he’d done, I didn’t want to hurt him. I wanted him to be better and feel better about himself and the world around him, not the opposite.

Until then I already figured out how Brahms found out I was in the attic. Although, I’d visited only twice his lair the first day we met when he had fever and couldn’t get out of bed, I remembered I had to climb up on a ladder to his room, going upstairs. I also remembered that the windows of the attic are covered with boards, so no one could see a walking figure in there. A figure, a curly haired shadow that probably appeared in the attic time to time. From these pieces of information I understood that Brahms’ lair must’ve been very close to the attic so he’d obviously heard me sneaking upstairs. Maybe he even saw me from the inside of the walls. If it was possible to look through them everywhere else in the house, why not in the attic?

I let out a sigh from frustration. I was angry at myself for not being smarter.

I rubbed my tired eyes. It was bedtime and I decided to go to bed, I couldn’t do anything else at the moment anyway and it was also possible that Brahms was watching my moves from the walls so I didn’t want to piss him off even more.

I took a quick shower, put on my pyjamas and went to bed.

I was turning from one side to the other then back, doing this for at least two hours. I simply couldn’t fall asleep no matter how hard I was trying.

I intentionally left my door opened but I still couldn’t hear any sign of Brahms being around.

_Where the hell is he? Is he that mad at me? Am I safe now?_

_“He wouldn’t hurt me. He just tried to scare me because I lied to him.”_ I tried to convince myself. He must’ve been incredibly angry at me but he still didn’t hurt me, he managed to control his rage. This thought calmed my nerves a little but then I remembered that I still didn’t know anything about the “Emily thing”.

_Wait a second. Does he believe he can get away with not mentioning the fact that he killed someone as a child if he just acts like a hurt little prince and hides inside the walls or wherever he is? How dares he accuse me of being a liar when he wasn’t quite honest with me either?_

I sat up angrily on my bed, gazing into the dark.

_Does he believe he can scare me and threaten me by pinning me on the bed and calling me a liar? Okay, it worked, it scared me indeed but still… I can’t play the victim and avoid the Emily topic forever not to piss him off. That’s not how life works._

I kicked away the covers and climbed out of my bed, then I went to my drawer and took out a pair of socks. I quickly pulled them on, and put on my grey sweater and sneakers. I hurried to the hall then.

I saw that Brahms’ bed was untouched so I knew what I had to do. Without much hesitation I went back into my room, then into the walls, using the secret opening in my closet.

Fortunately I still remembered the direction to Brahms’ lair, that wasn’t something one can forget easily. While I was walking in the secret passage, I was thinking that maybe it wasn’t as good of an idea as I thought.

_What if he’s already sleeping in his secret room and I wake him up? He’ll be more furious._

I knew I was asking for trouble but I simply couldn’t spend one more night with the unanswered questions I had about Emily Cribbs and Brahms so I needed to near the end of the issue once and for all.

I climbed up on the metal ladder and finally reached the sought door. I hesitated for a minute or two but then decided to get over with it, no matter how badly this night might end.

I slowly opened the door and looked inside.

“Brahms?” I called for him.

I didn’t get an answer so I walked in the hidden room. The small lamps were turned on but Brahms was nowhere, even if I called his name a few more times.

“Awesome.” I burst out angrily that I couldn’t find him.

I was standing in the middle of the room, holding my hands on my hips and wondering over with my blue gaze. I didn’t want him to believe I was secretly sneaking into his lair as well so I decided I was going to wait for him, even if it takes forever.


	39. I Am Here to Listen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone.
> 
> I know this chapter feels incomplete but I had to end it somewhere, otherwise it would be way too long. I hope you'll enjoy it though and in the next one Brahms tells all about Emily Cribbs. Have a great rest of the weekend and see you on Monday! :)

I walked close to the bed which was a mess, his blankets and pillow lying there on top of each other, creating a big bulge. I stroked a fingertip on the nightstand and realized how dusty everything was. Brahms clearly didn’t like cleaning. I suddenly caught a glimpse of a photo that was the only object on the night stand beside the small lamp.

I looked around one more time, being afraid of Brahms standing somewhere in the room but he wasn’t so I took the photo in my hand.

It was an old photograph of Brahms’ parents. I recognized Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire from the huge painting in the hall. The picture was creased and had a few creaks, Brahms probably had been having it for a long time. The couple looked a bit younger like on the photos I’d found in the attic, it must've been taken when Brahms was a baby.

My belly started to feel weird and some unidentifiable emotions appeared in me I wasn’t able to describe. I couldn’t understand why I felt this strange about Brahms keeping a photo of his parents.

_I mean, duh, he loves them, obviously. But why did the sight of the picture bring a lump to my throat then?_

After staring at the smiling face of the Heelshires for a while, I realized I’d never really thought too much about the fact that Brahms’ parents had left him. They just packed their things like they were going on holiday and they never came back. They said goodbye to Brahms in a letter, they just left him and whether they’d left for somewhere far or killed themselves – which I still didn’t want to believe -, Brahms would never see them again, ever. I’d never thought about how much he missed them or if he missed them at all.

But he did miss them, I was literally holding the proof of his love towards his parents in my hand. For a minute I even felt guilty and the lump rose in my throat that I’d never given a thought to what he must’ve felt about Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire leaving him and telling him in a letter that they couldn’t bear him anymore. He’d been lonely his whole life, his parents were the only human beings who knew about his existence and communicated with him at least through the stupid doll. And then one day they simply left him.

_No wonder he has trust issues, he’s possessive over people and scared that I’d leave him as well._

If his parents wanted to save him from criminal prosecution so they faked his death and hid him in the secret room that was something I could’ve understood.

_But then why didn’t they help their son better? They’re rich as hell, why didn’t they move away with him to the other side of the planet and start a new life? I’m a criminologist, I do know how corruption and these things work. They have tons of money, they could’ve easily gotten him fake documents or even find a bribable psychiatrist to help him._

But instead, they made him believe he was still a little boy and there was something wrong with him for growing into a man. They got him a “bride”, telling him she was his for eternity and basically he was free to do anything to her. Then they simply left, giving upon both Brahms and Greta.

I slowly shook my head to express my outrage and placed the photograph back where I found it.

I started to walk around in the hidden room, wandering in the crowded place. It wasn’t as tiny as I remembered. I let out a chuckle when I saw that Brahms even had some green plants in his secret lair.

I saw the small staircase in the middle of the room and I realized I hadn’t gotten an opportunity to look around upstairs before. Brahms was still nowhere so I decided to climb up and have a look on the “second floor”.

There was a desk upstairs with a pretty big lamp on it, several boxes and holders with tiny drawers. Fake pearls in every color and size, seizures, threads, pencils, craft supplies. Basically, everywhere I looked I saw tools for handiwork.

 _“The guy must seriously love crafting.”_ I noted as I took a big, A3 sized drawing paper in my hands which I found on the table next to the lamp, faced down.

I felt like my heart skipped a beat when I turned it to see what it was.

My lips separated and I moved a hand to my mouth in a quick motion to cover it from surprise. I suddenly started to feel dizzy so I sat down on the chair next to the craft desk, still holding the drawing in my hand, gazing continually at the rough paper. I was facing my own face or at least a graphite, two dimension version of it.

_He drew me. He drew me while I was sleeping._

I was holding in my hand an illustration of myself, sleeping. It was well-detailed, giving back all of my features, even my eyelashes looked the same as in the mirror. It was made from a point of view that Brahms could’ve seen me when I’d been sleeping in his arms.

My heart made a jump as I heard the lair’s door open and slam. I suddenly stood up from the chair, still with the drawing in my hand as Brahms walked inside the room with explicit steps like he was looking for something. _Or someone._

He stopped at the bottom of the small stairs as he realized I was standing upstairs. We were eyeing each other for a few seconds, he looked relieved and angry at the same time that he saw me there in his place.

“I was looking for you.” I broke the silence, my voice shaking again.

Brahms didn’t answer, his gaze fell down onto the paper in my hand, his green eyes widened up as the realization hit him that I was holding my own portray that he’d made.

Before I could’ve said anything else, he was already upstairs, towering over me.

He traveled his sparkling gaze between the drawing and my face, looking more scared than angry now.

“It’s beautiful.” I said silently. “I had no idea you were so talented.”

Brahms made a confused face as he lowered his head a little, looking away from me, looking slightly embarrassed.

“When did you draw it?” I asked.

“A few days ago.” He answered.

“Did you recall how I looked like while I was sleeping and you just drew it?”

I was honestly impressed with his talent, it actually amazed me.

Brahms nodded.

“I haven’t drawn for a very long time.” He added quietly.

“It’s really beautiful.” I said in a wondering voice. “No one has ever drawn me before.”

“Keep it.” Brahms said.

“No, I can’t.” I refused the offer, my cheeks heating up.

“Why not?” He asked, his voice slightly hurt.

“Because… You drew it for yourself, didn’t you?” I hesitated.

“I want you to have it.” He insisted.

I looked into his green eyes and murmured a shy thank you, what made his features soften finally.

Then an awkward silence crept in between us and I suddenly remembered why I’d come inside the walls in the first place. The “Emily thing”, his outrage and the burning anger in his eyes as he pinned me on the bed a few hours ago.

“Brahms…” I started, my voice shaky again. “You won’t hurt me, will you?”

Brahms looked at me again, he almost seemed hurt by my words.

“Why would I hurt you, Alison?” He asked, his voice deep.

“Because I lied to you about going in the attic and because I found out about Emily.” I explained, my usual confidence still somewhere far away.

Brahms walked a step closer so our bodies almost touched.

“You didn’t try to kill me, did you?” He asked like he didn’t even understand my assumption.

“Of course not.” I shook my head.

“Then I wouldn’t hurt you.” He explained as he slowly stroke his palm on my hair. “Although… You weren’t too good to me, were you, pretty Ali?”

My heart started to beat faster as the fear came back but at the same time his manipulative tone raised my defiance almost immediately.

“I’m sorry, Brahms. I truly am.” I apologized. “It was a mistake to sneak into the attic behind your back. I did it because I was too scared to ask you about Emily Cribbs.”

“How should I trust you after what you’ve done, Ali?” He asked, still in the manipulative voice which I couldn’t tolerate anymore.

“And how should _I_ trust _you_ after what _you’ve_ done, Brahms?” I asked back.

His eyes narrowed while he was staring at me with a confused face.

“What did I do?” He asked.

“Well, you haven’t been that honest with me either, have you?” I explained. “If you just told me about what happened _that_ day I wouldn’t have heard it from Sandy and this whole lying thing never would’ve happened in the first place.”

Brahms clearly didn’t like what I just told him but I didn’t care. I couldn’t live with those secrets anymore.

“I never lied to you, Alison. I warned you I was a monster, don’t you remember?” He said.

“Stop this nonsense, okay?” I hated he was calling himself a monster. “Don’t you think that maybe I have the right to know about everything since I’ve been living with you under one roof?”

He didn’t answer, his eyes narrowed even more as he looked down at me.

“Okay…” I told him in a forced tender voice. “This kind of things happen in every human relationship sometimes, you know? Lying and secrets and stuff. Obviously, your background is nothing ordinary but I still believe we can get through this if we discuss everything honestly.”

Brahms eyes became more confused, he probably didn’t expect me to be kind to him after everything had happened.

“I wouldn’t judge you after everything we’ve been through together. I know you feel betrayed but I’m here for you anyway. You know me, you know that even if I get angry I wouldn’t run away, screaming for help because I know you wouldn’t hurt me. Because I trust you. I made a mistake but you know I genuinely care about you. ”

After a short break I continued.

“I’m here to listen to you, Brahms. Just like you listened to me when I told you about my brother’s death, remember? I’m here to listen.”

He was staring down at me with glazed eyes, he seemingly didn’t know how to react.

“Let’s sit down to talk like grownups, okay?” I asked him.

He cocked his head to one side but then he finally nodded.

*

We walked back into my room through the secret passages, leaving the walls through the closet. I placed the drawing on the commode and then we both sat on my bed next to each other.

“Nobody has ever listened to me.” Brahms broke the silence finally, his voice confused.

“I know, Brahms. That’s one of the disadvantages of living inside the walls.” I sent him a careful half-smile.

“No. I mean, nobody has _ever_ listened to me.” He said with a slightly embarrassed face. “Even before.”

“You mean, your parents never let you do what you wanted?” I asked.

He shook his head, keeping it low.

I was waiting for him to start talking but we were sitting there in silence for a minute. I already accepted he wouldn’t tell me anything when he finally started to speak.

“They told me that I needed to be kind to everyone, all those annoying people who came to our house time to time. They told me I needed to smile at them, sit tight while they were talking about boring things and be nice to their children. They got angry when I didn’t.”

I made a grimace. Even if we were from two entirely different cultures and from such different circumstances, I still could relate to what Brahms was telling me. My father used to force me to be kind and smile at everyone to pretend we were a perfect little family after my mom had gotten out of the hospital.

“But I didn’t want to be nice to them.” Brahms continued. “I wanted them gone and I wanted to draw and read books with Mummy instead. Daddy forced me to wear a tie every time when someone visited them, he said a real man always wears a tie.”

“That’s bullshit.” I blurted out. Men in suits and uniforms weren’t my type to be honest.

Brahms’ looked up at me suddenly, his light green eyes widened from shock that I swore. The worst thing he heard me say before was “damn” and I was pretty sure he was too posh to swear like this.

“Sorry.” I said, my cheeks getting pink. “A real man can wear whatever he feels comfortable in.”

Brahms seemed a little relieved like the fact I didn’t want him to wear a tie would’ve comforted him in some way.

“Did those people scare you?” I asked.

“No, I just felt… Overwhelmed. And bored.”

“And their kids? Did they scare you?”

Brahms hesitated to answer.

“Yeah, a little.” He admitted with a nod. “They were so loud and… Intimidating.”

I found a little comical that Brahms called those children intimidating for wanting to play with him, meanwhile he was the most intimidating person I’d ever met, with zero respect for my personal space.

“What do you mean by intimidating?” I asked.

“They talked a lot, they tried to touch me a lot and played silly games.” He explained.

“Silly games like?” I urged him to go into details.

“I don’t know, just ridiculous games babies would play. Or scary ones. I was better playing on my own but they never let me.”

“Scary ones?” I frowned.

I saw him swallow hard as he looked away from my eyes.

“ _She_ liked to play scary games a lot.” He said silently.


	40. Scary Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brahms doesn't talk much but when he finally does, their talk doesn't fit into one chapter. :D I don't like breaking discussions into more chapters but sometimes that's the only way.
> 
> Here's the Emily discussion though, I hope you'll like it. Enjoy! :)

“She? Emily?” I asked.

He nodded.

“What scary games did she want to play?” I asked again.

“She brought her doll which looked exactly like her with the blonde hair and the dresses and… She wanted me to pretend I was the doll’s daddy and she was her mommy.”

I frowned. I expected something scarier than the little girl wanting to play family with Brahms. Although, I understood it could’ve been scary for him if he’d been that shy.

“It’s normal for a child to pretend to be her doll’s mom, you know?” I told him.

He pulled a “which side are you on” kind of face at me.

“She always complained to her parents and even to _my_ parents that I didn’t want to play her silly games. Mummy got very angry with me every time, telling me I needed to be nice to Emily or I destroy the future relationship between our families. They even forbid me to draw for a while.”

Brahms seemed furious while he was recalling the forced playtime with Emily Cribbs.

“She was a bad girl, Alison.” He added.

“What else did she do?” I asked, sensing there was something else as well.

“She told all the other children that I was…” His voice faded.

“You were what, Brahms?”

“That I was in love with her.” He blurted out. “And that I was going to marry her later.”

Brahms looked embarrassed and furious like the whole bully would’ve happened yesterday.

“Did other children make fun of you for what she’d told them?” I asked.

He nodded.

“They were very cruel. I told Mummy but she just laughed, saying how sweet it was what Emily had said and that one day I might marry her for real so I needed to be kind to her.”

I frowned again. That sounded like the parents were already planning their children’s marriage to bond their families together legally. _It isn’t a thing anymore, is it? I mean, Brahms was a child around 1990, not 1690, it sounds completely insane._

“Emily said I was the one who wanted to play scary games but it wasn’t true.” He said.

“What games did you want to play with her that she thought were scary?” I asked.

A sinister half-smirk appeared on his face that gave me the chills.

“I discovered the secret passages in the walls around that time. At least one opening, I was too scared to go deeper. But it was enough for her…” Brahms let out a small satisfied chuckle, sending shivers down my spine. “One time when she didn’t leave me alone again, I hid her doll in the passage and told her she had to go inside the walls to get it. She was crying but she freed the stupid doll anyway. She didn’t come over for a while after that.”

“Did she tell her parents about what had happened?” I asked.

“No, I think I scared her enough not to.” Brahms explained. “Although, Mummy and Daddy were very angry with me, telling me that they knew I’d done something bad and what a bad boy I was. They said I was ruining everything and I needed to be punished.”

His voice faded as he was recalling the memory of his parents punishing him.

“How did they punish you, Brahms?” I asked.

He started to fixate the bedding with his eyes. He looked embarrassed and mad at the same time and I noticed immediately that his scared boy side was back again.

“Did they hit you?” I asked silently.

Brahms slightly nodded.

“Daddy did. On my face.”

Suddenly it all made sense why he’d freaked out so much when Sandy slapped me in the face. I knew everything had happened in his childhood felt like it had only happened last month for Brahms.

“Did you tell them you’d found the secret passage in the walls?” I asked.

Brahms shook his head.

“I believed they’d be even more furious if they knew.”

It felt weird, hearing about Brahms’ childhood memories and his parents. I already knew a lot about Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire’s disciplining methods and I’d never even met them. That reminded me of something.

“Brahms…” I started. “You said your parents had never punished you. You know, when I threatened you with punishment once.”

Brahms looked up at me.

“They had not. Since… I moved into my other room.”

By “other room” he probably meant his lair. They never disciplined him ever again since the fire. _Was it because they felt sorry for him getting burnt?_

We’d been sitting there on my bed, looking away from each other’s faces. We both knew what was about to come and we’d been both procrastinating it as long as it was possible. Finally I decided to direct the conversation to the well-kept secrets of the Heelshires and the horrifying day.

“What happened on your eighth birthday?” I asked finally, my voice was quiet but firm.

Brahms looked up at me, his eyes reflecting fear. He anxiously started to play with the hem of my shirt’s sleeve over my wrist after I’d moved into tailor seat, facing him.

“I can’t.” He said quietly, almost whispering. “You’re going to leave me.”

“You need to.” I said, my voice as silent as his. “Besides, I already know you killed Emily.”

He suddenly moved his gaze onto mine, the pretty green eyes filled with fear and a touch of rage. He looked down on my hand again.

“Then you already know everything, Alison.” He murmured.

“I’d like to hear the story from you.” I said firmly.

Brahms had let out a long sigh before he started to talk.

“Emily came over for my birthday…” He said, fixating the hem of my shirt still. “I needed to pose for photos with her, smile… But I didn’t feel like smiling after what I’d got because of _her…_ Mummy and Daddy demanded me to play with her while the grownups were talking about grownup things. I wanted to stay with them but they sent me away, telling me they wanted to talk about things I was too young to understand.”

He held a small break, checking my facial expression, then he continued.

“Emily wanted to play in the woods and she dragged me very deep. She was loud and annoying like always. Then she wanted me to… She wanted me to kiss her.”

_Kiss her?_

“What? On the lips?” I asked surprised, even if I knew that was something children did sometimes and it didn’t mean anything bad. I recalled how I let a little boy give a tiny kiss on my lips during playtime at the age of seven.

Brahms nodded.

“But I didn’t want to, I hated her.” He continued. “She said she knew I loved her and she tried to kiss me so I pushed her away. She fell on the ground and she was very angry. I tried to leave but she came after me and pushed me back. I didn’t fall though… I’d never really told her bad things before but I was so angry after everything she’d done that I told her to leave me alone. And that she was a very mean girl. Then… Then she told me horrible things.”

He stopped talking.

“What did she tell you, Brahms?” I asked.

“She told me I was a coward and I’d never have any friends because all the children hated me. And she would tell everyone that _I_ wanted to kiss _her_ and I was a freak.”

Brahms swallowed, I saw he was getting mad as he relived those memories and hurtful words.

“I got very angry. I’d never felt so angry before. She started to call me names and she… She said that no girl would ever kiss me because I was awful so I should go cry to my mummy because she was the only one who would ever kiss me goodnight.”

“Wow. That was really mean.” I agreed.

The realization hit me like a thunderstorm why Brahms had been so obsessed with getting a goodnight kiss from Greta and now from me every single night and why he’d acted like it meant the whole world for him.

“What happened next, Brahms?” I asked, already guessing what might have happened.

But he didn’t answer, he was keeping his lips clenched.

“Did you pick up a rock from the ground and hit her on the head?” I pushed him to speak.

He suddenly became very anxious. He moved his hands over his head, shaking his head like a kid would act when he didn’t want to accept reality.

“I can’t remember.” He said, his voice shaking.

He was slightly gasping, his hands trembling as he gripped his own hair.

“What you mean you can’t remember?” I asked.

“I can’t remember. I can’t remember!” He screamed the last sentence, making me jump.

“It’s okay, Brahms.”

I caught one of his hands, rubbing it in a comforting way.

After a minute I managed to partly calm him down.

“I just can’t.” He said, looking me in the eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Brahms.” I told him. “I won’t make you remember, I promise. I just need you to tell me the last thing you remember and the next thing you remember, okay? Nothing in between.”

Brahms looked at me, his gaze almost burnt a hole in mine.

“I don’t know… I only remember the sound. The sound of her head breaking in. A bloody rock in my hand. The next thing I remember is that I’m running back into the house to Mummy.”

“So you don’t remember anything? How you hit her and what happened right after?” I asked.

Brahms slightly shook his head.

“Did this ever happen to you another time? That you had a blackout and didn’t remember things?”

“No, never. That was the only time.” He answered, looking incredibly embarrassed.

That was a good sign. That meant he hopefully didn’t have some serious mental disorder that would cause him memory loss.

“I think you have post-traumatic stress disorder.” I told Brahms. “Which means you experienced something terrifying in the past that your psyche can’t process properly so your brain blocks the memory or parts of it. You might remember once but you don’t need to force it.”

Brahms looked at me with guilty eyes.

“I killed her, Alison.” He said silently. “Whether I remember it or not. I’m a murderer. A monster.”

“You aren’t a monster, Brahms.” I told him.

“I am!” He said in an explicit voice. “Killing that bad man was nothing after what I did to Emily. I was a monster already anyway, what change did it make?”

His words scared me.

“Ending a life _does_ matter, Brahms, no matter what. You’re not God, you can’t decide who lives and who dies.”

“But these people were nothing, Alison. They both hurt others. They were worthless.” Brahms explained.

“But Brahms…” I started. “Deep down you know that it isn’t true. All lives matter. Maybe not to you but to someone. You can feel empathy, I know you feel that it isn’t right. Even if Emily was mean to you, she had her parents who loved her very much. Imagine what they must have felt for losing their child.”

Brahms cocked his head to one side.

“You’re probably right, Alison.” He said.

“Can I ask you something? Something I’d really like to know.” I asked.

Brahms nodded.

“What did you feel when you killed Cole?”

“I felt angry. I felt…” He started. “Burning rage… that was so strong I couldn’t stop, I wanted him to simply stop existing.”

“Because he broke the doll?” I asked.

“He broke a part of _me_.” He said, his voice more explicit again. “Greta loved the doll me. Everyone loved the doll me.”

“Was it the same as if he tried to kill you?”

“Yes.” Brahms answered firmly.

“What about Emily?” I asked without even blinking. “I know you don’t remember…killing her. But what kind of emotions do you remember you felt?”

I saw that he was trying to concentrate.

“Fear. Desperation.” He said. “I knew that I did something so bad that cannot be turned back, ever. But I believed Mummy and Daddy could fix it. They were so strong, they were able to fix everything.”

“Interesting.” I murmured, frowning my eyebrows. “What happened next? Did you tell your mom?”

“Yes. I ran to her, she asked where Emily was and I told her something bad had happened.”

“What did she do?” I asked.

“She looked scared. They all looked scared. They started to talk about me like I wouldn’t have been standing right there with them.” Brahms frowned.

“ _They_ _all_ looked scared? Who else were there besides your parents?” I asked, surprised. I expected other guests being around at the manor for Brahms’ birthday but it was shocking to hear that anyone else knew about what had happened, besides the parents.

“Just my family.” Brahms shrugged. “My uncle, my aunt and my baby cousin.”

I was staring at Brahms with wide eyes, I’d never expected anyone else to know about the “Emily thing”. I never expected Brahms to have family members other than his parents.

Then I remembered he’d mentioned once that he had an aunt. She was the one who gave him the marshmallows.

“I didn’t know you had an uncle and a cousin.” I said, still surprised.

“Daddy has a brother.” Brahms told me grudgingly.

“Oh…” I murmured. “So your aunt is his wife?”

Brahms nodded.

“And you have a cousin who was a baby when it all happened…” I added, trying to adjust to the new information.

Brahms nodded one more time.

“Your cousin must be the same age as me then.” I noted. “Do they know about you? That you survived the fire?”

“No, I don’t think so.” He said. “I was in my room when they visited every time and I had to stay quiet.”

“But they knew about what had happened to Emily, right?” I asked.

“Yes, they were there when I told my parents.” Brahms nodded.

“What happened after that?” I asked, trying to focus on the fire instead of the other Heelshires.

But Brahms seemingly wasn’t eager to tell me more. His eyes got a dark tint to them, not like he would’ve been angry with me, more like he didn’t want to think about the fire at all.

“It’s enough for today, Alison.” He said and I knew I shouldn’t try to force him since I didn’t want him to freak out again.

“Okay.” I accepted his decision.

I looked at him, lacking my confidence again. I knew there was another hard topic that needed to be talked through tonight.

“We need to discuss one more thing though.” I started with a sigh. “We need to talk about me leaving, Brahms.”


	41. What Are You Looking For?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're both struggling hard and it's no secret that the time when Alison makes her decision - whether she stays with Brahms or leaves him - is pretty close now.
> 
> Enjoy! :)
> 
> (The story itself won't end with Alison's decision but it will be a turning point to bring things forward. Thank you AelliaOlympia for asking. <3 :) )

Brahms facial muscles twitched, his eyes narrowed immediately.

“We can talk about it later, I know it was enough stress for one day.” I added, trying to sound confident. “But we just agreed how important it is to be honest with each other and I think this is something that we’ve been both thinking about a lot lately.”

“Do you think a lot about leaving me, Alison?” Brahms asked, the sudden darkness in his eyes betrayed how offended he felt. I saw rage, hurt and all those dark emotions appear on his face.

“No.” I shook my head. “I think a lot about my life.”

“Your life?” Brahms asked but his features remained the same, hard and cold.

“Yes.” I nodded. “I’d had a life before I came here. Not a great, organized one but I was doing my own things. I was traveling the world and looking for adventures all the time but… I might have gotten enough for now. Way enough excitement for a while.”

Brahms didn’t react.

“I don’t want to leave you but you know that I can’t stay forever.” I explained. “I need to get a job, earn money, get my own home and build a life.”

He still stayed silent which I found quite sinister, not knowing if he was about to lose control over his rage or he was “only” hurt by my words. I let out a long sigh, starting to get impatient even if I understood how bad he must’ve felt.

“I’m not saying I want to leave right now. I’m just saying it’s something that we both need to keep in mind, Brahms… I’ve always felt a little lost, you know? Like an outsider, no matter where I went or what I did. I’ve been always looking for something, I’m not quite sure what but anyway… I want nothing else more than to find myself and my path. When I just wake up in the morning with that satisfying feeling like _that’s it._ I haven’t given up yet so I just need to move on and keep looking.”

His green eyes turned into an emotionless gaze, suddenly all the previous darkness faded. Not that this was any better, moreover, his poker face scared me even more.

“Sometimes…” He started. “Sometimes what you’re looking for is right in front of your eyes, Alison. You just need to see it.”

I swallowed hard. I was pretty sure that he read this line in a book but it still surprised me what he just said. _What does he know about looking for something in the whole world when he hasn’t even left his house?_

“I don’t believe in coincidences.” He added, confusing me even more.

“You don’t?” I asked, totally shocked that Brahms was talking about what he believed in and what he didn’t. I hadn’t really thought he believed in anything for that matter.

He shook his head, his curls were bouncing from side to side.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason.” He continued. “You said it yourself, Alison, when we first met. Life brought you here because you needed to find something in this house.”

I couldn’t push a word out of my throat from surprise. I perfectly got used to the fact that he was capable of changing from a scared baby to a hot man quicker than it was possible to follow but my brain couldn’t adjust to how he turned from a hurt, possessive boy into this wise grownup in a second.

“Have you found it?” He asked.

“I…” I literally stuttered, wasn’t capable of saying anything smart.

He must’ve read these wise thoughts in his books but it was too much for me to handle the deep life lesson he was trying to share with me.

“I don’t even know what I’m looking for.” I answered finally. “I always thought I was looking for crazy adventures, wanted to save the world or just find a bigger purpose. But now I’ve experienced some pretty crazy, exciting things and I still don’t feel complete.”

Brahms looked honestly interested in what I was telling him and the whole situation started to feel like having a discussion with a friend about the meaning of life, sharing a bottle of wine on a casual summer evening. Which was crazy because it was _Brahms_ and nothing was “casual” about him.

“I…” I started but I had a hard time expressing by words what I was feeling. “I like being here with you because I feel like I have a purpose. Teaching you about the outer world and giving you the love you missed. But honestly, I don’t know how long I can do this, Brahms. I think I’ve done a lot, maybe… Maybe I’m done with raising you up. Maybe we reached our main goal and I can’t do anything else for you.”

He lowered his head, he seemed he was honestly considering what I told him even if he didn’t like it.

“I can promise you one thing though.” I sighed tiredly. “I would never leave you without telling it before. I won’t run away during nighttime or something like that. That wouldn’t be fair. You don’t have to be afraid of me disappearing without a word.”

“I’d be happier if you stayed here forever.” He noted.

“Brahms…” I sighed again. “You say these serious, deep things you can’t even understand the meaning of. You don’t want me to stay here forever.”

“Of course I do.” He frowned.

“I mean, do you want to grow old with me?” I asked, forcing myself to say those words which gave me the chills. “I know you don’t mean it, you just can’t be serious.”

He looked away from my face, lowering his head one more time. His eyes were reflecting defiance and he looked a little offended as well but I just didn’t know what else I could say to him, how I could cheer him up without telling him lies or giving him false hope.

I suddenly let out a yawn. I tried to cover my mouth with my hand but Brahms caught the contagious gesture. No wonder we were both tired, so many things had happened only in one day again.

“We should go to bed.” I said as I stood up from my bed. “It’s literally the middle of the night.”

 Brahms stood up as well after nodding and I walked him to my door.

“Good night, Alison.” He said.

I hesitated for a moment to talk but I didn’t want to go to bed with this annoying tension between us.

“I can’t sleep like this… That we’re fighting and hurting each other.” I told him finally.

I noticed a pale shadow of a small smile on his tired face.

“I can’t sleep without you kissing me goodnight.” He said silently.

Without any hesitation I stood on tiptoe and held onto his biceps for support as I kissed his lips.

*

The heavy rain woke me up a few hours after finally falling asleep. I realized it was still dark so I quickly moved my sleepy gaze through the dark room. I noted with a smug that I didn’t feel any fear. After all those night terrors I’d had about burying the body, I was finally confident alone in the dark again.

I was about to turn on my other side and go back to sleep with pride and these satisfying thoughts when I heard a silent creaking sound on the other side of my room.

I jumped as I saw the door slowly opening.

I quickly reached for the small lamp on my nightstand and turned it on in a heartbeat, feeling the lump in my throat growing from fear. I was blinking to get used to the sudden light but when I was capable of seeing clearly again, the cause of the creepy sounds and the opening door was already in my bed.

“What are you doing?” I asked Brahms who was pulling the cover on him after climbing into my bed.

He lay very close, making sure that our bodies were touching on as big surface as possible. He then looked at me, his eyes like a scared boy’s eyes.

“I had a nightmare.” He said, his voice high and shaky. It almost sounded like the long forgotten child voice, or at least the forced version of it.

“It’s okay, it was just a dream.” I told him in a comforting voice.

It wasn’t hard to figure out what he had dreamed about after recalling the dark memories of his childhood and the horrendous eighth birthday.

“It seemed so real.” He said.

He looked so terrified as if he’d never experienced a single nightmare in his entire life. It was strange to see Brahms like this, especially after how grownup he’d been behaving lately. But even before, when he was spending his days as an eight year old, he didn’t act like this, he never got scared of some nightmare.

“I…” He started, his voice was still weak. “I don’t dream. Ever.”

“What you mean you don’t dream?” I asked while I was rubbing my tired eyes.

“I just don’t. I haven’t dreamed since I was little.”

“Oh…” I murmured.

His words surprised me but then it made complete sense. Yesterday was the first time he ever talked about killing Emily. _Is it possible he simply stopped dreaming not to remember Emily and the fire? Or he might’ve dreamed sometimes but never really remembered any of it after waking up._

“It’s okay, Brahms.” I said to him. “I know nightmares can be scary but they’re not real. Even if they happened to you in real life, they’re already in the past now.”

Brahms looked at me with scared eyes still, he reminded me of a child whose parents forgot about and left in the kindergarten. His actions made my mother instinct kick in and without any hesitation I hugged him on my chest. That was clearly what he needed because he rested his head on me, clinging to my body in a tight cuddle. Before I could even notice what I was doing, I started to hum Brahms’ Lullaby for him while I was gently caressing his sweaty hair and back, like I was holding a baby boy in my arms.

It didn’t feel odd, not even for a second. It only felt natural and I couldn’t care less he was 33, I just wanted nothing else in the world than making him feel safe and loved, helping him forget about everything frightening he’d experienced in his past. Even if I knew he wasn’t innocent himself in the horrible happenings.

When I was sure he’d fallen asleep, I slowly reached for the lamp and turned it off, leaving us in darkness again. The same darkness that terrified me only a week ago, making me climb under _his_ covers and clinging onto _his_ body in hope of protection, not knowing that things would turn soon.

I carefully lifted my head and left a kiss on the top of the sweaty curls as I realized the truth.

_We both are scared children. Nothing more than two helpless children who feel frightened by our own darkness, the darkness that’s been haunting us, no matter how far we go or how desperately we try to keep it locked up. It’s been always there and always will be._


	42. Teach Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We know that Brahmsy is a scared baby, then the next moment he's a man with grownup desires. And I really like playing with this because it's so interesting and so much fun.
> 
> Also, let's talk about sex. (XD) I absolutely love reading those sexy fanfics about him but realistically, he probably wouldn't have a clue how to touch a woman properly. Like every single inexperienced person on this planet or even worse since he probably doesn't even have the theoretical knowledge about these things, right? (The only thing in my opinion that might help him out is his instinctual side which is very strong and guides him in the right direction sometimes.) That was what I thought when I wrote this chapter. I want to keep things real and I hope you don't mind it.
> 
> Anyway, that was just a thought I wanted to share with y'all. Other than that, enjoy this new chapter! :)

I woke up the next morning for something hard pressed against my butt. Feeling Brahms’ arms around me and his warm body clinging to mine from behind, I didn’t need to be a genius to figure out what that was.

“Good morning.” I said, sensing from his breathing he was already awake as well.

I tried to move away so I could turn around to face him but he didn’t loosen his muscles around me.

“Stay right there.” He said against the top of my hair, but his tone not demanding at all, he sounded like he was asking.

“Excited much?” I asked jokingly after he slightly pressed his hard body against mine a little closer.

“It does it every single morning.” Brahms murmured.

I desperately tried to suppress the chuckle that wanted to leave my mouth.

“Really?” I asked with the widest grin ever.

“Indeed.” Brahms said.

That was it, I couldn’t hold back my laughter anymore.

“Why is that so funny?” He asked, his voice embarrassed.

“It’s the same for every single man, Brahms.” I explained.

“Is it?” He asked with honest surprise.

“Yeah. Don’t worry, you’re perfectly normal. It means your body works properly.”

“But it’s so much worse now that I feel you so close to me.” He added in almost an indignant voice. “You make it so much worse, Alison.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty normal as well.” I told him. “Sorry.”

“How would you know that?” He asked after some hesitation, his voice confused. “How would you know that it’s the same for every single man?”

“I just do.” I said. “Because there are some facts about human body we all know, even about the opposite gender, you know.”

There was a few seconds silence in the room before Brahms talked again.

“There must be a lot I don’t know.” He said, sounded embarrassed again.

I couldn’t believe a few hours ago he climbed into my arm after his nightmare like a little boy would’ve into his mother’s arms to seek comfort and now we were close to have the talk about the birds and the bees.

I partly freed myself from his grip and turned around so I could look him in the eyes.

“What would you like to know?” I asked as I cupped his face, stroking my hand on it, slowly moving into his messy curls.

“Everything.” He said and I recognized enthusiasm in his voice. “I want to know everything.”

“Everything?” I asked with a small smile. “That’s too much knowledge, don’t you think?”

I didn’t know what else to say, I just kept stroking his face, feeling the roughness of his growing stubble. We were staring at each other for a minute and playing with each other’s hair.

“Make love to me.”

Brahms’ voice was silent but it sent such a strong electric shiver everywhere on my skin and literally my whole body twitched for a second. The conflict-like feeling was strong, a clueless virgin whose words I found more sensual than the words of any other men ever.

I sent him a gentle smile as I stroked the bottom of his soft hair.

 “Right now?” I asked jokingly.

“Anytime.” He answered.

“How would you do that?” I asked, still smiling at him in a tender way. I wanted to find out how much he knew about sex.

“Well…” He frowned, his unharmed cheek pink and his voice confused. “Just hugging tight without any clothes on. I mean, that’s basically it, right?”

I frowned too in a barely visible way.

“Yeah, you’re right… That’s it basically.”

In that moment I found him so cute that I couldn’t help but let out another chuckle. I certainly wasn’t ready to destroy the innocence he had inside him, even if I knew he’d been a grown up man for ages and it was definitely time for someone to destroy his childish innocence once and for all.

“You know…” I started, looking into his light green eyes. “You don’t necessarily need to make love right away. There are other things you can do to someone you want.”

“Like things we’ve done before?” He asked.

“Yeah, for instance.” I answered. “I mean, that’s fine to have sex right away as well but… You’ve never touched anyone before, have you?”

He looked away from my eyes for a moment, his confidence faded, giving place for the embarrassment on his face.

“It’s completely okay.” I said in a comforting voice. “I’m just saying that there are a lot to learn and sometimes it’s better to take it slow.”

We were lying there facing each other for longer. I was still playing with the dark curls in front of me, while Brahms was seemingly thinking about something important, being lost in his thoughts. After a while he suddenly looked into my eyes again.

“Teach me.” He said.

“What?” I asked, getting a little surprised by his words.

“Teach me.” He repeated firmly. “I want to learn.”

I was trying to figure out what I should do or say.

“You liked what we were doing on the sofa yesterday, didn’t you?” He said before I could’ve come up with something.

“Why do you think I liked it?” I asked back in honest interest in my voice. I was honestly curious about his reasons.

“Because I felt it, Alison.” He explained. “The way you were moving against me…”

“Good.” I said approvingly. “That’s a great thing that you watch your partner’s reactions. You always need to do that.”

I let out a confused sigh as I realized that I’d already started to teach him, that was exactly what I was doing right now. I sank into my thoughts while I was watching his handsome face.

_If I really want to leave soon to move on with my life, I need to make him ready for a grownup life on his own and teach him at least a very few basic things._

_“Stop being such a martyr, Alison.”_ I heard a derisive voice in my head. “ _You know exactly how much you like his touches, you know you wouldn’t let him touch you for charity. You don’t want to teach a poor little virgin, you actually yearn for being with Brahms before you leave for good.”_

“Getting lost in your head again?” Brahms asked jokingly, pulling me back into the present moment.

“Yeah…” I smiled.

“Are you thinking about what I told you?” He asked with anticipation in his eyes.

I nodded.

“I can teach you a few things.” I said, feeling my cheeks heating up. “But it would only be a onetime thing. And no making love. No sex. Deal?”

I saw an excited half-smile on Brahms’ face, even if I knew he wasn’t happy about the “no sex” and the “onetime thing” part.

“It’s always pleasure to make deals with you, Alison.” He giggled. “Although, has somebody ever mentioned to you that you’re slightly obsessed with your own rules?”

“Says who…” I made a clever comeback and couldn’t help but let out a chuckle at the absurdness of the situation. “Breaking other people’s rules and making my own. That’s always been my way, Brahmsy.”

“I’m not sure I like that.” Brahms responded, raising an eyebrow.

His facial expression made me grin at him.

“Okay then. Later?” I asked with a chuckle.

“Let’s make breakfast. Together.” He nodded.

As we got up from bed, I just couldn’t get the strange thought out of my head about how unbelievable it was that a few hours ago we’d been fighting and he was scaring the hell out of me. And now I promised I’d teach him about female body in practice. _Seriously, why the hell are we going through so many ups and downs?_

*

We went out for a walk later, using the unusual kindness of the November weather that didn’t bring us any rain that afternoon. It felt relieving to derive the tension of the previous evening with some physical activity. After a while our walk turned into a cat and mouse kind of game when Brahms stack a fist of autumn leaves onto my hair. I felt the urge to give it back to him, realizing his curls could’ve been a great home for the fallen leaves. I was having a hard time accomplishing my goal since he was so tall, making it almost impossible for me to reach his hair when he didn’t want me to do so. And he obviously didn’t want to, so I didn’t have any other choice than chase him through the garden with hands full of colorful leaves.

After we’d arrived back in the house from our little outside tag, we both took a quick shower and sat down at the kitchen table.

I let out a relieved sigh as I looked at the giant freezer next to the back entrance, realizing how better it felt to sit at the kitchen table, drink tea, and play board games without a dead person in the freezer.

There was one game I’d always wanted to learn for to play and that was chess. I started to nag Brahms a few days ago to teach me since he mentioned once he knew the rules very well but he’d never had anyone to actually play with him in the walls. He finally said yes and I was glad he did, I always thought chess players were kind of cool.

Brahms was a very good teacher, I couldn’t have asked for someone better. He was very patient with me and I didn’t even care about his satisfied smirks since he clearly enjoyed that this time he got the chance to boss me around. I deserved it after I’d made fun of his cooking knowledge so many times.

I was proud of myself though, I became quite good at playing the game at the end of the round.

 

“Thanks for making me a qualified chess player.” I joked as I placed our empty tea mugs on the kitchen counter. “I feel so smart now.”

I heard Brahms stand up from his chair too and walk behind me. He clang onto my body, snaking one arm around my belly area and stroke my hair with the other.

“Now it’s time for you to teach me something new, Alison.” He said silently, his words almost rolled through his lips.

I turned around still in his arm to face him. I looked up at him and saw a spark in his light green eyes which I was able to identify immediately. It was a spark of pure excitement.

I felt as if my stomach made a single turn, leaving a tickling feeling behind in my belly, which was way stronger than the usual sensation Brahms’ closeness raised in me. This time it was more like an… Itch. Even if we’d touched each other before, it was going to be different now. _This time he’s the one who’s going to touch me, not the opposite way._

I taught him so much about life and the outer world but the most appreciable lessons were definitely about human connections. The worst side effect of the secret life he’d been living was the loneliness, that he never experienced any form of human intercourse. I taught him so much about those things, maybe almost everything. There was only one thing I needed to teach him to be ready. It was time for the last lesson.

I swallowed hard as I took Brahms’ hand in mine, my heart pounding fiercely.

“Let’s go upstairs to my room, okay?” I asked.

He nodded and followed me eagerly to the lobby and then up on the stairs.


	43. The Last Lesson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a while since I last said thank you for your comments and kudos so thank you!!!! I appreciate every single one of them. <3
> 
> Oh man… So things might be a little awkward in this chapter but as I mentioned, I’d like to keep it real for the characters. Also, I know I need to work on my writing skills a lot more so don't judge me too hard. :D I don’t know what else to say, give me feedback if you feel like, I’m very curious about your opinions.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

We sat on the edge of my bed next to each other. It was already dark outside but the lamp on my nightstand provided enough light in the room to see perfectly. I left the door open since it wasn’t anyone else in the house from who we should’ve hidden. We hadn’t even done anything yet but my cheeks already felt hot as I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that we were alone in the huge house so basically free to be as loud as we wanted to. _No one would hear us anyway._

I looked at Brahms.

“So…” I started. “What exactly would you like to learn?”

I saw that Brahms’ unharmed cheek was getting pink as well, his eyes slightly confused.

“Anything you believe I need to know, Alison.” He answered.

The situation started to get a little awkward. My heart was beating in my throat, I was nervous and I suddenly started to miss the old “heat of the moment” feeling.

“Okay…” I murmured and stood up from the bed, sitting into Brahms’ lap in a way we were facing each other. He grabbed my hips in a gentle motion automatically as our gaze met. I stroked my fingers on his cheeks, then reached deep into his curls, still looking into his eyes.

“I can teach you how to pleasure a woman.” I told him silently, my voice unintentionally seductive.

I felt Brahms’ breathing becoming sharp and heavy, he moved one of his hands down onto my thigh, squeezing it a little.

“If you have any questions though, you’re free to ask.” I continued. “You can ask me anything.”

“I actually have one.” He said and sounded pretty shy, maybe even nervous.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Do women…” He started, his voice embarrassed. “Do women give pleasure to themselves as well?”

“Yeah, they do.” I smiled at him without being surprised that he was interested in that topic. “We all touch ourselves sometimes. Well, some people might not really enjoy it but yeah, women do it as well. Why’d you ask?”

His cheek turned from light pink into a more explicit color and suddenly I had a strong feeling why he asked.

“Brahms…” I started, my face getting the same harsh pink color as his. “Did you… Did you see Greta… touch herself like that?”

From the expression his features took I knew that he did. I tried not to imagine how he was watching her from inside the walls, it was too disturbing. On the other hand though, I had to admit to myself that if I were in his shoes, stuck in the walls and separated from the rest of the world, I would’ve done the same. Curiosity and desires would be probably too strong not to.

“I felt very strange.” Brahms frowned. “I didn’t know girls feel the same way. I didn’t dare to move… I was just standing there. I didn’t see too much, she was wearing her underwear but… It was bloody shocking.”

“But you know it’s not okay to secretly watch someone doing something like that?” I asked.

“I know.” He looked like he genuinely meant it, his face embarrassed.

I was trying to get the picture out of my head, even if I wasn’t surprised at all that something like that had happened.

“Ali…” Brahms’ voice pushed me out of my thoughts. “Will you show me how _you_ do it?”

“Why?” I asked, regretting right away that I told him he could ask me anything.

“To teach me how to please you, silly.” He said like it was the most obvious answer ever.

He was right though, it would’ve been a great way for him to learn. The tickling feeling in my belly came back as my bad girl side actually considered his request, constantly trying to silence the good girl in me who wanted to say a firm no. But I already knew which one of my sides would defeat the other this time.

“Well, Brahms…” I started, my voice playfully seductive. “Then you need to turn me on so much that I couldn’t resist touching myself.”

I saw lust spreading in his green eyes as he started to caress my waist, his other hand still on my thigh.

I didn’t intend to accept the role of the teacher who bosses a little virgin around. I decided not to tell him too much, only the most crucial things. Growing up locked away from society made one positive effect on Brahms. He was able to keep his instinctual simplicity, his natural trust in his body that almost all of us lost by getting too much information during growing up. He had no one to educate him how he was supposed to react in certain situations so the only thing that led him was his instincts. And I’d never dare to take his trust in nature away from him ever, even if I needed to teach him a few basic things.

I was leaving small kisses on his jawline and then stroked my lips on his rough stubble, pulling a small smirk as I heard his heavy breathing.

“Show me what you’d do to me.” I whispered and gently bit his earlobe.

Brahms didn’t need to hear more. Without hesitation he lifted me up and pushed me onto my back on the bed, with him on top of me. He kneed between my legs what automatically made them open for him. Then he pressed his crotch against me as he crushed his lips onto mine in a rough way.

I kissed him back, our lips joining together in a deep, passionate kiss while our hips were grinding against each other unstoppably. My hand in his hair, the other one deepening into his back.

The sudden intensity of his actions made me let out a moan in pleasure which quickly turned into a tiny chuckle. I knew exactly that was going to happen. His instincts were urging him to lay me on my back and grind his body against mine.

“Brahms…” I sighed against his mouth as I stopped moving my hips under him. “No... Not like this.”

He stopped moving as well as he’d opened his eyes, still gasping a little.

“It feels very nice but it’s kind of… taking it all at once, you know? You often need to be more careful and take it slow to get a woman excited.” I explained. “So just lie down next to me, okay?”

Brahms let out a frustrated sigh, not being happy about the idea of getting out of between my legs but he grudgingly did so and lay down on his side.

I sent him a smile as I stroked his biceps.

“Sometimes patience is key. You need to go with a lot of soft kisses, slow touches and gentle strokes.” I told him. “Also with words and compliments. You need to use your voice as well.”

“My voice?” He frowned.

“Women like to be complimented to, Brahms. They’d like to hear if you find them pretty and beautiful.”

“I do find you pretty and beautiful Ali but you already know that.” He raised his eyebrow again, making me giggle. He really didn’t get it yet but that was okay for now.

He kissed me and his kiss was unusually slow and gentle, he was clearly trying to please me by doing what I’d told him to do. Finally, it was more like a game of the lips, allowing me to feel how soft his lips were. Our tongues joined only later, deepening the kiss very slowly. After he’d pulled away for catching his breath, he leaned back over me and started to kiss my neck, his kisses wet and passionate but slow and patient at the same time.

His roughness a few minutes ago had already raised my craving for him but now all I could feel was pure ecstasy while he was kissing and sucking my neck and my lips alternately, increasing the intensity of the stimulation gradually, while his hand was fondling me under my t-shirt everywhere he reached.

He kept doing this until finally _I_ was the one who reached to my jeans and took them off slowly. I looked Brahms in the eyes, my own hand slipping into my soaked underwear.

“Take it off.” He whispered into my ear and I did so like I was under his spell.

He rested his hand on my inner thigh while I was playing with myself, exposing every inch of me for his gaze. He sometimes left small, sloppy kisses on my neck and my face, while he was watching the move of my hand with wide eyes, how I was pleasuring myself for him and only for him.

His gaze was reflecting something that was close to adoration, looking at my body like it was the most beautiful and most exciting thing he’d ever seen. Those sparkling green eyes on me gave me the feeling that I was a bad girl, which triggered me further and abolished the last bits of my shyness.

From a sudden idea I took his hand and slowly moved it onto my womanhood. He let out a loud sigh as his hand reached my hot flesh.

“Be gentle.”

That was the only instruction I gave him and he didn’t need to hear more. His hand slowly replaced mine, using the chance to prove to me again what a fast learner he was.

He didn’t need to do much, the circling strokes of his fingers made me breathless very quickly, my body had been craving that orgasm since our little bonding on the sofa, or maybe even for longer. I closed my eyes, let out a long whine and let the electricity take control over my body, grabbing a fist of the covers under us as Brahms made me come.

“You’re such a good boy.” The words slipped through my mouth unintentionally as I opened my eyes again, meeting Brahms’ smoldering gaze. He seemingly didn’t have any problem with getting praised like a boy, he eagerly accepted the compliment, letting out a silent moan himself.

“I was wondering if it is the same euphoric feeling as for men.” He noted with pure adoration in his eyes.

“Yes, it’s the same.” I smiled after I’d caught my breath. “But we usually don’t need a break so you can keep touching me if you want.”

And hell, he wanted. He was stroking his hand on me and we both knew he was losing a tiny part of his innocence as he was giving pleasure to a woman for the first time in his life. My desire for him was growing higher again second by second. He kept playing with me, leisurely discovering every inch of the yet unfamiliar but desirable female parts, until one of his fingertips partly slid in, unaware of his own actions.

“You can do that.” I told him with anticipation in my voice, longing for the pleasure his fingers could’ve given me.

Brahms sent me a confused look, he wasn’t sure what I wanted him to do so I placed my hand on the back of his and gently pushed it, making his middle finger slip deep inside me.

We sighed at the same time, me from the sudden pleasure and Brahms from surprise. I started to circle my hips around his finger, helping him find the way he was supposed to move his hand.

“Another one.” I demanded, yearning for more of him.

“What?” He asked silently, his voice confused. “It certainly wouldn’t fit.”

“Of course it’d fit.” I chuckled at his naivety, gently squeezing his biceps to urge him.

He carefully added another finger, making me let out a loud moan. My reaction assured him he was on the right path so he started to thrust with those two fingers more confidently.

I hadn’t felt like this for such a long time so I automatically moved my hips closer to his hand to feel even more. Then without any hesitation I started to rub my clit just like I’d done for him to see a few minutes earlier.

I was already close to lose control again but feeling my fingertips repeatedly meeting Brahms’ two fingers added another sensation to my pleasure. My climax was stronger than the previous one and I didn’t hold back my loud moan. I was in complete ecstasy and Brahms’ “bloody hell” was like a distant sound as he felt my body pulsating around his fingers rhythmically.

I roughly pulled him over me for a long, sloppy kiss, his fingers stilled inside.

Our gaze met after I’d been able to catch my breath and open my eyes, partly moving away my hips so his fingers would slip out. Then I quickly pulled back up my panties, using them as a shield to prevent us from going any further in the heat of the moment.

Brahms brought his two fingers closer to his face, still holding them together and he curiously examined my fluid which was something he’d never experienced before. His eyes slightly widened after tasting me on his flesh with a single lick. Maybe I should’ve found it bizarre but I knew his actions were nothing but natural and I found incredibly hot how curious he was about my taste.

He rested his head on the pillow next to me, looking deep into my eyes. We kept our gaze locked for a while silently, lazily stroking each other everywhere our hands reached the other.

“You were a very good boy.” I praised, breaking the silence.

Brahms didn’t say anything, he was just gazing my face. The lust from his eyes hadn’t faded yet and I knew what was going to happen next. He suddenly took my hand and pushed it onto his groin. He unbuttoned his trousers and pulled them down along with his underwear.

He took my hand again and placed it onto his erection, forcing my hand into a grip, then impatiently started to move my fist up and down on him. I didn’t protest, I kept my eyes locked with his as I let him move my hand on his length in a rough motion. I formed my lips into a half-smug, seeing how aroused my previous lesson made him.

After a while he moved away his own hand, letting me finish him off which I fervently did for him.

 

After we’d been done with giving pleasure to each other, we just kept lying on my bed quietly, sharing soft kisses occasionally. It was obvious that we both were still under the effect of what had happened but I knew I needed to close this little experiment of ours.

“Any questions?” I suddenly asked in a tender voice.

“No.” Brahms slightly shook his curly head. “Not for now.”

“Good.” I sent him a tiny, satisfied smile. “Then let’s go, eat dinner.”


	44. Giggles, Kisses and Confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!
> 
> I actually don't know what to say about this chapter other than enjoy reading it! ;)

There was a little giggling going on between the two of us during dinner. I felt like a teenager, like I’d never done anything similar to the little sexual experiment before. I constantly had to remind myself that I was 26 and for a long time not a virgin so I had absolutely no reason to act this silly.

Brahms wasn’t as awkwardly smiley as me but he rendered my grins which I liked very much. I wouldn’t have admitted to anyone but I found his giggling so sweet and so real that it honestly amazed me every single time he honored me with his smile. The scar that reached the edge of his lower lip, the thin, light pink lips forming into a wide giggle and the tiny unevenness of his teeth… Conflicting as it sounds but all those unique flaws made him look like an ordinary human being just like all of us. And I found it truly beautiful.

*

The rest of the weekend was calm and quite boring, allowing us to finally relax after the intensity of the previous days. We spent Sunday with doing housework, I showed Brahms how he was supposed to use the vacuum cleaner and other “tricky machines” as he called them.

We just finished laundry when he found me in my room.

“What are you doing?” Brahms asked as I sat down on my bed with the black phone in my hand.

“I promised Rose I would call her on Sunday.” I answered.

Brahms put the basket down which was full of our freshly washed clothes he just brought upstairs from the laundry room.

“Why?” He asked as he sat down on my bed next to me, pretending he didn’t know the reason I wanted to call Rose.

“You know why.” I frowned. “To discuss when we would hang out in town.”

Brahms didn’t say anything but he made clear with an awful grimace how much he didn’t support the idea.

“Don’t look at me like this.” I told him. “You said you trusted me and let me go out with her.”

“That was before.” He said firmly.

“Before what, Brahms?” I asked, blinking at him, trying to look innocent.

He clearly didn’t appreciate I was acting like I didn’t know what he meant, like I’d never gone to the attic and lied into his face. He suddenly grabbed my shoulders and pushed me on the bed gently, then leaned over me with his whole upper body.

His actions only surprised me for a second, I was getting used to the fact that he’d tried to show his physical dominance over me from time to time. It was natural and harmless until I didn’t piss him off too much.

“Staring at me with those pretty eyes won’t make me forget what you did, Alison.” He said slowly, bringing his face so close that the tip of his nose touched mine.

“What should I do to make you forget?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” Brahms murmured after some hesitation. He seemed a little confused now that he was in my personal space again, his face touching mine.

“I thought you’d already forgiven me.” I said.

“I have forgiven you.” He agreed as he cocked his head to one side. “That doesn’t mean I trust you.”

_I have to admit, that’s actually reasonable._

“Fair enough.” I accepted his argument while I was trying to ignore the butterflies in my belly now that his lips were only an inch away from mine.

I lifted up a hand and started to stroke his face, continuing to stare into his eyes.

“Brahms…” I started, my voice so sweet and tender that I actually surprised myself with it. “What if I said no to Rose and didn’t meet her? Would you be pleased then?”

Brahms’ eyes were confused, as if he couldn’t believe it was so easy to keep me home.

“Yes, I guess.” He murmured.

“Really?” My voice was even sweeter than before. “Do you like me, Brahms?”

“Of course I like you, Alison.” He said, looking more confused than ever.

I suppressed a smirk that it was so easy for me to confuse him.

“Would you be _truly_ pleased then if I didn’t go out with Rose?” I frowned but kept the disgustingly bland voice.

“What are you trying to say, Alison?” Brahms looked like he started to lose his patience even if he was very much confused still.

“You know that I don’t let anyone to tell me what I can and cannot do, right? And if you really like me then you like me this way.” I explained slowly.

Brahms frowned.

“It makes me wonder…” I continued. “Maybe you wouldn’t be truly pleased if I gave in that easily and said no to Rose just because you said so. You like that I’m stubborn. Maybe you want me to put on a fight because you like that I’m strong and you can’t control me.”

Brahms’ eyes slightly narrowed but I knew I was right. I knew I’d found a weak spot of his.

He moved his hand up onto my face and stroked his thumb on my cheek and lips, the tip of his nose still touching mine while my fingers were digging deep into his curls below his ear. My heart was beating like crazy and I couldn’t get the thought out of my head how much I enjoyed the situation. I knew I was playing with fire and I loved it.

“You think you’re smart, don’t you, pretty Ali?” Brahms whispered.

“I know I am.” I answered almost against his lips, my eyes innocent but I couldn’t hide the fire that was burning in my gaze, betraying how much I enjoyed the tension between us. I knew that was exactly the time I should’ve stopped teasing him but I simply couldn’t, I felt a tiny devil creeping under my skin, controlling the words I was speaking.

“And I know you love it.” I added.

Brahms’ lips were crushed onto mine in a heartbeat, his motion so rough it made me moan into his mouth as I kissed him back. My fingernails deepened into his sweater while I grabbed a fist of his hair with my other hand from the passion of the moment.

The next thing I knew was Brahms lying on me with his whole body and my legs tight around his hips. We kept kissing each other so hard we’d never done before. He pulled away to get rid of the unnecessary materials covering our bodies. And that was the moment when the black phone started to ring next to my head.

I hissed from the sharp sound, the sudden realization hit me about what we’d been doing and how I’d lost control over my desires again. I looked up at Brahms with a regretful look, trying to apologize without words, although I didn’t exactly know why I wanted to apologize.

“Take it.” He said in an annoyed voice, with a “why does this keep happening all the time” kind of look on his face.

I tried to calm down my breathing as I took the black phone, feeling the weight disappearing from the top of my body as Brahms lay down on the bed next to me.

“Hello?” I answered the call.

“Hi, Alison.” It was Rose’s voice, just as I expected.

“Hey.” I greeted her back, reminding myself that I was supposed to call her. “I was just about to call you.”

I turned my head to look at Brahms who was constantly rolling his green eyes.

“Really? What a coincidence.” Rose brightened up. “Have you changed your mind about hanging out?”

“Yes, I did.” I said. “I decided it was time to go out for a few hours.”

“Cool!” She joyed. “Don’t worry, Brahms will be fine on his own while we’re having some fun in town.”

She obviously joked about the Brahms doll but the real Brahms’ grimace and widened eyes as he heard what she’d said wasn’t a joke at all.

“So next weekend?” I asked with a small chuckle.

“I was thinking we could meet tomorrow evening.” Rose answered.

“Tomorrow?” My voice surprised. “But tomorrow’s Monday.”

“Yeah, we can sit in a pub on Monday as well.” She grinned at the other end of the line. “You mentioned you wouldn’t want to meet too many people so it’s better to go out on a weekday anyway.”

“Makes sense.” I agreed. “So tomorrow it is.”

“I’ll pick you up around seven, is it okay?”

“Perfect.” I nodded.

“Okay then, see you tomorrow, Alison.”

“See you tomorrow.”

I leaned over Brahms after I’d put down the phone.

“Come on, Brahmsy, don’t look at me like that.” I told him, after seeing his grumpy face. “It’s only a few hours.”

He didn’t change his grimace so I reached for his face placing both of my thumbs onto the corners of his lips, trying to force them into a smile.

“Smile for me.” I grinned at him.

“You don’t want to?” I asked as I moved my finger down to his neck, writing small circles on his skin.

My tickling brought a quick result since he automatically started to giggle, desperately trying to move away from my fingers.

“Not fair.” He said, his British accent strong which made me smile even wider.

“You’re right.” I chuckled. “But you’re so ticklish, I couldn’t help.”

He pulled a grumpy face at me again.

“Sorry.” I apologized jokingly.

“Fine.” He said, his face serious. “I forgive you.”

The fact that he was so serious and honestly meant it like I actually would’ve attacked him with tickling made me burst into a small laughter.

“You’re so damn cute sometimes.” I giggled, taking a curl between my fingers and started to play with it.

He made a face as if he couldn’t decide whether it was an insult or a compliment but he didn’t express his confusion verbally.

“Let’s put away the clean clothes, okay?” I asked but as I attempted to sit up he suddenly grabbed me by the arm and pulled me back onto him.

“What are you doing to me, Alison?” He asked, his voice deep and reckoning.

“What do you mean, Brahms?” I asked back, not understanding what he was talking about.

“You’re making me mad.” He answered. “I know I haven’t met many people in my life but you’re certainly the most confusing one.”

“How am I confusing you?” I asked silently, not really wishing to hear the answer.

“You make me do things I wouldn’t normally do.” He explained. “And I feel the urge to do even better for you.”

“Is that wrong?” I frowned.

“No. I don’t know.” Brahms murmured. “You’re so confusing.”

We kept eying each other for another minute, lying on the bed. I’d gotten a million times in my life that I was confusing and it was impossible to understand my thinking so it wasn’t too shocking that Brahms had noticed as well. I found it natural and a good sign that he was a little conflicted about his own changes and improvements. I’d been in the manor for two months which wasn’t much time compare to the years he’d spent alone in the walls and I knew everything had happened fast for him. I might have been pushing him a little too hard.

“You know what we should do tonight?” I asked him with a small smile.

He slightly shook his head, his eyes reflecting excitement.

“We should read The Beauty and the Beast.”

Brahms frowned at me, didn’t expect to hear that answer.

“You hate that story.” He said.

“But it’s your favorite. And I’d like to read it with you.”

First, I recognized some suspicion in his eyes but then it turned back into excitement and maybe even slight happiness.

“Can I make the tea?” He asked after a while and then I was sure. It was indeed happiness I saw in his light green eyes.


	45. Tipsy Squirrel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> Sorry for the late evening update but I've been very busy today. I hope this chapter's gonna make it up to you.
> 
> Thank you for everyone who left kudos for me, I can't believe I reached 300!!!!! Actually, I've gotten so many since the last chapter that I don't even know how that happened. :O But I'm very very happy of course. :D

“If you hear anything…” Brahms stuttered while we were sitting at the kitchen table on Monday. It was 6:55 pm. and we were waiting for Rose to pick me up. At least I was the one who’d been waiting for her, Brahms was rather anxious.

“What you mean?” I asked.

He’d been quiet the whole day, he was seemingly scared of the upcoming evening that I was going out for a coffee with Rose. He didn’t say a bad word about it though, which I believed was a good sign. At least he didn’t make a scene.

“People talk a lot, Alison.” He answered, anxiously playing with the salt cellar which we’d left on the table.

“What could I hear I don’t know yet?” I frowned.

“I don’t know.” He murmured. “Gossips.”

I slightly rolled my eyes at him.

“You know that gossips don’t have too much effect on me, Brahms.” I caught his hand which was still playing with the salt cellar, moving it back and forth constantly. I pinned his hand on the table, expressing how much his action started to get on my nerves, hearing the rhythmical knocking sound as the cellar met the table again and again. “Would you please stop? I’m getting a headache.”

I felt his hand twitching for a second as he felt my touch. He looked up at me and my heart started to beat a little faster as our gaze met. I automatically pulled my hand back from his and looked away from his eyes quickly, hoping my cheeks didn’t turn into pink.

“It isn’t the pub talk about my family which concerns me, Alison.” He said slowly. “I’m worried about what you might hear about yourself.”

I looked back up at him.

“Myself?” I frowned.

Brahms nodded, fixating my eyes.

“Daddy used to say people had very sharp tongues in the pub.”

I let out a defiant chuckle.

“I won’t get scared of some drunk people gossiping about me.” I said firmly. “I’m pretty sure most of them won’t even recognize me.”

Before Brahms could’ve said anything we heard a sound of a car stopping in front the entrance door.

We both stood up at the same time, looking at each other.

“I’ll be fine.” I said to Brahms. “See you in a few hours.”

As I wanted to hurry to the entrance door, Brahms grabbed my wrist and pulled me back to him.

We were looking into each other’s eyes for a few long seconds and I even thought that he changed his mind and wouldn’t let me go when he talked again.

“Have fun.” He murmured and it visibly took a great amount of strength and self-discipline for him to say those words.

I sent him a smile as I stood on tiptoe to give a kiss on his lips, expressing my appreciation for at least pretending to be supportive.

“Be a good boy until I get back.” I told him.

He sent me a tiny forced smile and let go of my wrist, allowing me to leave the kitchen. I looked back over my shoulder from the hall but he was gone, as if it was only a ghost I’d been talking to two seconds earlier.

I swallowed anxiously as I walked outside of the house to meet Rose when I realized I was going to socialize after spending two months separated from the world.

*

“So where are we going?” I asked Rose while we were sitting in the car.

“We’re going to the main pub of the town.” She said cheerfully as she took the sharp turn between the trees, following the only road taking us out of the forest. “We can drink a coffee or a tea.”

“Cool.” I nodded, my heart beating faster as my excitement rose for going out after all those time between the Heelshire manor’s walls.

“Well, you can drink something else obviously.” She smiled.

“We’ll see.” I said, although I didn’t intend to get drunk tonight, I couldn’t allow myself to lose control for too many reasons.

 

I was playing with the thought of how Brahms would react if I went home wasted when Rose stopped the car in a tiny, open air parking area next to a building that looked like a small, cozy house. We got out of the car and walked to the entrance of the pub.

_Tipsy Squirrel”_ , the huge sign said over the wooden entrance door.

“It’s got a funny name.” I noted.

Rose chuckled as we walked into the old pub.

The inside of the building was incredibly cozy and looked like a typical English pub. The Halloween decoration was still up with all the jack-o’-lanterns, fake cobweb and plastic bats which gave a spooky atmosphere to the place. Brown candles were burning on each table, adding a little more spark to the half-light.

We sat with Rose at a small table next to the fireplace after taking off our coats and hanging them on the huge hanger in the corner. There weren’t too many people there tonight but I was still constantly feeling every single gaze on us as we sat down.

“Hi Katie.” Rose greeted the pretty, dark haired waitress who turned up next to our table to take our orders.

“Hey Rose, I haven’t seen you in a while, where have you been?” She asked. It didn’t surprise me that Rose knew this girl, probably everyone knew each other in this small town.

 “I’d been busy with the shop.” Rose answered. “We’ve been having tons of work since Malcolm left.”

_“Katie”_ nodded compassionately.

“Who’s your friend?” She asked, looking at me.

“Alison.” I introduced myself as we shook hands.

“I’m Katie.” She smiled. “You’re not from here, are you Sweetie?”

“No.” I shook my head. “I’m from Finland actually.”

I saw that Katie’s eyes widened.

“Are you _that_ Alison?” She asked as if she just saw a ghost. “Are you the Heelshires’ nanny?”

My face twitched as I realized she knew my name already, not being happy about the sudden fame.

“Yes, that would be me.” I stuttered.

“Shut up, I can’t believe _the_ Alison’s here tonight.” Katie continued from surprise, her voice much more explicit than I preferred, attracting all the gaze to me in the pub.

“Leave the girl alone and do your job, Katie.” The old, grumpy bartender shouted across the place with a thick British accent that I could barely understood, urging Katie to take our orders.

“I’m so sorry.” She apologized, her pale face turning into a harsh pink color. “I’m pleased to meet you.”

“No worries.” I said.

 

“I’m so sorry about Katie.” Rose grimaced after the talkative girl had taken our orders and left. “She just probably heard the story about Malcolm and the American nanny. And you… She’s too curious.”

“Like everybody else.” I murmured as my gaze suddenly met the couple’s gaze sitting in the corner, probably talking about me.

“Curse of the small town.” Rose joked.

“Yeah, I know exactly how it works.” I said resentfully.

“Are you from a small town?” She asked.

“Indeed.” I nodded. “A pretty gossipy one.”

“So you’re experienced then.”

“You have no idea.” I murmured.

“What did you do to earn the fame in your hometown?” She asked with honest interest in her voice.

“I…” I stuttered as I the memory of Daniel hit me. “I lost my brother when we were children. People just couldn’t get over talking about him.”

“I’m so sorry.” Rose said in a guilty voice that she’d even asked me about my hometown.

“It was a long time ago.” I told her with a tiny forced smile. “He died in a fire accident.”

I recognized enlightment in Rose’s deep brown eyes.

“Yes. That’s why I can relate to the Heelshires that easily, I guess.” I answered her untold question.

“I have to be honest with you, Alison… I wasn’t quite sure why you’re taking this job so seriously but now I understand.” She shared.

I wasn’t hundred percent sure it was a wise idea to tell Rose about my brother since I didn’t like share my background with people, but at least she wouldn’t nag me to leave the manor more often.

 

“What about you?” I asked to change topic after Katie brought the coffee we’d ordered. “Did you grow up here?”

“No.” She said. “I actually from Dublin.”

“Are you Irish?” I asked from surprise.

“Indeed.” She nodded

“Cool.” I smiled. “How did you end up here in the middle of nowhere?”

“You’re probably not the only adventurer at this table.” She smiled back at me. “My family wanted me to be a dentist like all of the other family members but human teeth scared the crap out of me so I ran away.”

I let out a chuckle, believing she was joking.

“Are you serious?” I asked when her facial expression remained the same.

“Very serious.” She nodded. “I lived at six different places throughout the UK and then I ended up here five years ago. I like it here, it’s pretty peaceful.”

“There’s more common in us than I thought.” I frowned.

“Is it?” She wondered.

“Yeah, it’s similar to my story.” I nodded. “I went to university though and started working in Finland but I wasn’t happy so I left. It happened two years ago. I’ve been on the move since then, taking whatever job I find.”

“What did your folks say when you moved away?”

“My dad still doesn’t talk to me.” I rolled my eyes after taking a big sip from my coffee. “How about your parents?”

“They’re fine with my decision now. They even visited me last summer.”

“Good for you.” I sighed. “My dad will never accept my decision.”

“I’m sure he will with time.” Rose said. “Is he that mad only because you chose to move away from Finland?”

“He’s mad because I refused the perfect life he’d planned for me.” I explained. “The last push was when I broke up with my ex. Dad loved him, he’d been planning our wedding for a long time in his head probably.”

“God…” Rose grimaced. “How long had you been together with the guy?”

“Five years.” I answered, feeling a little lethargic remembering our relationship. “We went to the same university, we started dating right away and broke up almost three years ago.”

“That’s a pretty decent time at that age.” Rose smiled. “I’m 30 and my longest relationship lasted for five years as well. What happened? Did he cheat on you?”

“No…” I smiled. “We had a good relationship but… We wanted different things. He wanted to stay in Finland, get married and have children. I wanted to see the world, meet people from different cultures, find myself… I felt that he never understood me properly. He saw me as a little perfect princess but I don’t think I am. I didn’t want the perfect life so to speak.”

“I get that, trust me.” Rose agreed.

“He’s a great guy though and… Sometimes I still feel guilty for hurting him so much.” I murmured, fixating my coffee. “He deserved better than me. Someone who appreciates him more.”

“Nah, don’t say that.” Rose sent me a small smile. “It just wasn’t meant to be, that’s all.”

“So what about you?” I asked. “Are you seeing someone?”

“Well…” I noticed her roundish face heated up. “We’ve just had a couple of dates yet.”

“Nice.”

“Well… You actually know him.”

“Do I?” I frowned from surprise since I literally didn’t know any other men than Brahms in this town.

Rose nodded. “It’s Aaron. The policeman who questioned you after the American nanny had left with Malcolm.”

“Oh…” I stuttered. “That’s good, I guess.”

I didn’t know what to say. Rose was obviously free to date anyone she wanted to and I should’ve been happy for her but I couldn’t ignore the memory about the visit of the officers and how nosy the younger cop was. _It’s so not safe to be friends with Rose if their relationship turns out to be serious._

“You?” Rose’s question brought me back to the present moment. “Is there a special someone in your life?”

“No.” My tone was probably way too firm as I imagined rubbing my face with a huge piece of ice to cool my cheeks so they wouldn’t turn into red.

“Okay.” Rose laughed at my explicit answer.

“My ex had been my only boyfriend. I’ve never dated anyone else seriously.” I explained. “And I don’t think I could handle a relationship again. Ever.”

“Why not?” Rose frowned. “You’re talking like you’ve had five divorces.”

“Men find me scary, I guess.”

“What you mean?” She asked.

“They see me as a quiet, nice girl but when they find out that my thinking mechanism can be pretty scary sometimes, they just can’t handle me anymore. It almost feels like they see me as a monster when they finally see my true self.” I sighed. “Since my brother died I’ve had to be this fake emotionless doll to keep my family together, help my parents recover from the loss and show a good example for my little sister. And I feel like I could never truly be myself and let go of control. I think I’m waiting for someone who’d help me destroy these walls and free me from this cage I put myself into... So I guess I haven’t found a man who truly understands me.”

_“Brahms does.”_ The voice in my head started but I quickly silenced it.

“I know it sounds stupid…” I murmured, feeling ashamed that I shared with Rose my deepest desires.

I saw she was just about to react when the pub’s door suddenly opened. We both turned our heads to the direction of the new guests and my heart missed a beat when I recognized the sarcastic, nosy cop with four other guys on his side.

“It’s Aaron, isn’t it?” I asked Rose as I started to panic on the inside.


	46. Bad Company

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this chapter so much. Alison needed a getaway for sure, I hope you agree. :)
> 
> Sorry for the cliffhanger though... :D Enjoy!

“Yes, it’s Aaron.” Rose stuttered, her voice confused, her round cheeks pink. “I had no idea he’d be here on a Monday.”

Seeing her face, I didn’t doubt her words for a moment.  After a few seconds _“Aaron”_ noticed Rose and no matter how hard I tried to seem invisible like I wasn’t even there, he probably recognized me as well. I avoided his eyes but I saw his feet walking in the direction of our table and I knew right away that this was going to be a long night.

“Hi.” Aaron greeted us and we greeted him back as he shared an embarrassed look with Rose, unintentionally making it clear for me that neither of them had expected to bump into the other in the Tipsy Squirrel.

“Monday drinking?” Asked Rose, trying to sound casual but I could sense how embarrassed she felt. I normally would’ve found it funny and cute but not now that the policemen who I lied to about a murder was standing in front of me.

“Yeah, it was a random decision.” Aaron smiled at her, looking just as confused as Rose. “I wouldn’t have thought that we meet again, Alison.”

I tried to force a confident smile on my face as he turned his head to look at me.

“It’s pretty unexpected.” I said.

“How rude of me…” He said suddenly. “I haven’t really introduced myself now that I’m off-duty. I’m Aaron Vardy.”

“Hello Aaron.” I said with innocent eyes. “And you already know my name.”

“Indeed.” He answered. “I’m glad that this time we don’t have to meet in those… unpleasant circumstances.”

I’d swallowed hard before I pulled a sweet smile at him again.

I heard a short but loud laugh coming from the billiard table in the middle of the place. It was coming from one of Aaron’s friends who was holding a bottle of beer, looking at me while another guy was seemingly telling him something incredibly funny. My eyes narrowed a little because I assumed they were talking about me.

“Well, I let you carry on with the girls’ night.” Aaron told us with a wide grin. “See you later.”

I kept staring his back as he walked to the billiard table, joining his friends.

“He’s so nice, isn’t he?” Rose whispered to me, her voice suddenly resembling to a teenage girl’s voice who was talking about the very first crush of her life.

“When did you guys meet?” I asked to distract my thoughts about the danger of the situation.

“Actually, we’ve been friends for years.” Rose answered. “But then something changed, you know? I mean, I always found him cute obviously but I’d never thought that we could be more than just friends.”

The dark haired, dark eyed officer was incredibly confident and had some charm for sure but I couldn’t imagine how Rose was able to find him cute. Cute wasn’t the word I would’ve used for him, his intense stare creeping me out the same way it had scared me when he’d been questioning me two months ago. There was something in his gaze that made me think he knew I was lying to him about Greta, Malcolm and Brahms. There was something else too that made me feel uncomfortable but I couldn’t put my hand on what it was.

My face automatically twitched when I heard the same guy’s laugh again. I turned my head to the billiard table’s direction but the two men didn’t stop whispering and staring even when their gaze met mine.

I looked back at Rose, trying to ignore the rude friends of Aaron.

“Let’s have a beer.” I suggested, hoping I could handle the unwished stare easier after a drink.

 

Rose was a pleasant company, she was very talkative which was nice because it meant I didn’t have to talk too much about myself. She seemed to be a good listener as well, made me feel that she honestly was interested about my life, travels and opinion of the world in general. I had to admit, it was nice to have company other than Brahms for a few hours, talking about stuff he couldn’t have understood because of his special circumstances. I also missed talking to a female friend and even if I obviously couldn’t tell her about my current situation and “relationship” with Brahms, it was fun to have a fun chat about boys too.

I got into a much better mood after finishing my beer, I was able to relax and enjoy my night out more and more. Rose even offered to call some of her friends to meet us in the pub and after some hesitation I said yes, so three other girls joined us ten minutes later.

“I didn’t know I missed talking to people so much.” I admitted and I meant it. I’d been an introvert my whole life and I convinced myself I was completely fine interacting with only Brahms for two months but now that I was surrounded by people again in a nice pub, I realized how much I’d been craving the experience of meeting new people. The girls were very friendly and open minded just like Rose, not asking much about my “job” as the doll’s nanny. I knew we wouldn’t be great friends because I simply couldn’t let myself get too close to anyone after I’d become a criminal but it just felt nice socializing with these girls.

Unfortunately, our group wasn’t the only cheerful people in the pub. Aaron’s circle of friends were in a good mood as well, becoming a little louder after every single bottle of beer.

“Are they leaving?” I asked Rose as I saw Aaron and another guy stand up from their table, taking their coats.

“Yeah, I think Aaron’s the driver tonight and he drives David home. He works at the gas station, he probably needs to be there early in the morning. But hopefully Aaron comes back.” She smiled.

 _“Yeah, hopefully.”_ I told myself ironically.

“I’m going to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a minute.” I told Rose after another ten minutes had passed and she nodded as I stood up from my chair.

 

“Such a waste.” I heard the unexpected comment when I passed the table of the drunk guys after leaving the restroom.

I turned my head from surprise to look at the men. All three were staring at me with smirks on their faces.

“We’ve been talking about what a waste it is that you don’t come out more often, little girl.”

The guy had such a strong accent I was barely able to understand what he was saying.

“Tell me if you need company and I can come over. You must be so lonely living with a doll.” He added, making his friends chuckle.

“No, thanks, I’d rather choose the doll than bad company.” I riposted quickly.

All three laughed at the same time as if I’d just told them the joke of the year.

“I bet with my mates after the barmy American chic left. We bet you wouldn’t last longer than a month. I have to say we’re all very impressed.” The rude guy grinned. “The Heelshires must pay you heaps so it’s worth it for you.”

The other two men let out a loud chuckle again.

“Yeah, well, that’s none of your business.” I said and hurried back to Rose and the girls quickly but I felt that my cheeks were already getting pink. As I sat back on my chair I saw from the corner of my eyes that Aaron was walking into the pub, arriving back from his drive.

“Are you okay?” Rose asked, noticing the grimace on my face.

I nodded, trying to act like nothing would’ve happened when suddenly I heard a laugh louder than the previous ones, coming from the drunk men’s table.

“Hey Alison!” It wasn’t the same guy who’d teased me a minute ago, it was one of his friends this time, shouting across the pub. “Don’t watch Ghostbusters with the doll, it might have nightmares and start to cry for mummy and daddy.”

All three burst into laughter after that.

“Don’t take it out on the doll that no one wanted to watch Ghostbusters with you, Tony!” Katie, the black haired waitress shouted at the guy from behind the bar with a smug on her face.

I unintentionally caught Aaron’s eyes, who was watching the scene from the door. I quickly looked away when I realized he was walking to our table.

“I’m really sorry about the guys.” He told me with a serious face.

“You should civilize your mates, Aaron.” Chloe, one of Rose’s friends said. “They’ve been acting like wankers.”

Aaron let out a small chuckle as he accepted Chloe’s comment.

“They’re much more fun when I actually drink with them.” Aaron said jokingly.

“Why don’t you?” Rose asked suddenly and I noticed her face was getting pink again as she looked up at him. “I’m driving Alison home later, I can take you home too.”

Aaron’s warm brown gaze slightly widened and I swore I saw a colorful shade appearing on his face as well. It was really weird to imagine that this scary, rigid guy can look this confused because of a girl.

“Thanks Rose, but I promised them I’d take them home.” He said in a regretful voice, pointing to his friends who were still staring at me, although they’d seemingly calmed down a little. “Why don’t you girls drink more if you want to? You live a few corners from here anyway. I can take Alison home.”

_Wait, what?_

“I promised her that I’d be her drive, sorry.” Rose refused the offer.

“I don’t think she cares who drives her home, do you, Alison?” Aaron asked.

“I…” I stuttered, sensing I was deadlock.

“You can trust me, I’m a policeman, remember?” He asked jokingly. “Then all of you can drink a few more beers.”

I had no idea what to do. I didn’t dare to say no, it would’ve been too suspicious. He was right, he was indeed a policeman and I had no idea not to trust him.

“Sure, fine.” I nodded, even if I had a bad feeling about this whole idea.

Aaron sent us a smile and left so he could join his friends.

“Are you sure you’re fine with it?” Rose asked. “I nagged you to have a drink with me so I feel responsible for you.”

“At least we can have another drink then.” I smiled. “I mean, he’s a good guy, isn’t he?”

“Of course he is.” Rose nodded, so did the other girls around the table. “I’ve known him for years, Chloe’s known him forever. I wouldn’t let you go with a guy who I don’t trust, don’t worry.”

“She’s right, Aaron’s a gentleman.” Chloe agreed.

 

We drank another beer and then another and I was grateful I could handle alcohol pretty good since I obviously couldn’t let myself go home drunk. Not only because I couldn’t imagine how Brahms would react but I needed to keep my lips sealed and not give a hint of the truth that was going on in the manor.

After the third drink I decided I had enough and started to get tired anyway so I said goodbye to the girls and Rose and left with Aaron.

*

The police car was rolling in the dark, following the tight road deep into the forest. We didn’t talk too much to each other with Aaron, only a few words. My heart was beating fast continually because I didn’t trust him at all. Even if he was a policeman, I didn’t know this guy, yet I was sitting in his car, letting him drive me through half of the forest almost in the middle of the night. My guts were telling me it wasn’t right but I had to silence my intuition now. It was too late to change my mind and anyway, we were pretty deep in the forest, probably very close to the manor.

“So… Do you like taking care of Brahms?” Aaron asked suddenly, his voice calm.

“Yeah.” I shrugged. “It isn’t the hardest job, I mean.”

Aaron let out a small chuckle and I swore that there was something sinister in his laugh. _Is he getting suspicious again?_

“I can’t imagine how easy it must be to take care of a doll.” He said in a wondering voice. “It doesn’t talk back, does everything you tell him to and doesn’t make a mess…”

“Yeah, pretty much.” I agreed nervously.

 

A few minutes had passed when I saw a tiny dark road turning right just ahead of us. My rich imagination even made a cruel joke about what if Aaron makes the turn to scare me or to kidnap and kill me. I managed to silence my dark thought in a heartbeat but then he actually made the turn, causing my heart to miss a beat from the sudden fear.

“What are you doing?!” I asked in an explicit voice. “Where are we going?”

“I’m taking you home, Alison.” He answered, his voice emotionless.

_No, he’s lying, we haven’t passed the sharp turn yet where I saw Greta and Malcolm driving when I was looking for the manor in September._

“It isn’t the way to the Heelshire manor, Aaron.” I said, starting to panic.

“Relax girl, I’m gonna take you home but you and I are going to take a little bypass first.” His voice was still calm but I didn’t care anymore.

“Stop the car.” I said, never been so terrified in my life. Although, I knew if we stopped here in the middle of the dark forest on a tiny abandoned road, he could do to me anything and I wouldn’t have the chance to run away.

“Yeah, it’ll be fine here.” He noted as he stopped the car without turning the lights off so we wouldn’t stay in complete darkness.

A single teardrop rolled down on my cheek, not knowing what was going to happen. Every scenario I could imagine was horrifying.

“Get out of the car.” Aaron demanded, his eyes looking even darker than before.

I didn’t move and I was in complete shock, didn’t know if I should cooperate or try to fight him. He got out of the car, walking to my side and opened the car door.

“Get out.” He said again.

I didn’t know what else to do so I did as he said, leaving the car. My knees started to tremble under me when he slammed the door behind me.

He looked down at me as he grabbed my upper arm. He wasn’t as tall as Brahms but tall and strong enough so I wouldn’t stand a chance against him.

He pulled me a few meters away from the car and just when I decided that I wouldn’t go down without a fight, he talked again.

“You’re such a good girl, I can’t believe it. You don’t even scream.” He said.

“What would be the point of screaming in the middle of nowhere?” I stuttered.

“I knew you were an unusually smart girl.” He chuckled, sending a shiver down my spine. “It wouldn’t take long, I promise. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Wha-at do you want from me then?” I asked, my voice shaking. I didn’t believe him, I couldn’t imagine any other reason he’d brought me in between the trees than raping me or murdering me.

“We’re gonna have a little chat about Brahms Heelshire.” He answered firmly.


	47. Justice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a new chapter for you. Time to find out what this guy wants from Alison. Enjoy! ;)

Aaron’s words made me freeze completely. My body was still prepared for a physical fight, I still believed he wanted to attack me. I simply couldn’t get a single word out of my throat so Aaron used the silence to continue talking.

“I’ve been waiting for this opportunity since we first met. That I could catch you alone.” He said, his voice almost enthusiastic which creeped me out even more. “I can’t believe you finally left that house and we bumped into each other. What a lucky coincidence.”

He made absolutely no sense but finally I started to understand that in what a big trouble I was if he knew about the _real_ Brahms, I could’ve easily ended in jail almost right away. I decided to play clueless and his reaction might tell me if he knew that I’d lied to him or not.

“I don’t understand.” I started, my voice still shaking. “Why would you want to talk to me about a dead child?”

Aaron looked me in the eyes, his brown gaze examining mine, he was probably trying to find the truth in it.

“I’m sorry for scaring you, Alison.” He said suddenly, his voice more tender than I expected.

I didn’t know what to say, I was confused. _Isn’t scaring me the whole point he brought me here and literally cornered me? Doesn’t he want to scare me so I tell him the truth about Brahms?_

“Look, we couldn’t talk in the car, it’s a police car with a radio in it. It wouldn’t have been safe talking in there.” He explained.

“Okay, let’s talk then.” I nodded, not having a clue still what the hell he wanted exactly but I just wanted to get over with it, no matter what it was.

“Okay…” He nodded as well, leaning a little closer to me. “I wanted to tell you that I can help you. If you’re in trouble, you can tell me now, you’re safe here.”

“What kind of trouble would I be in?” I asked, crossing my arms in front of my body.

“Any kind.” Aaron answered firmly. “I can help you, even if you’re scared of… Something.”

 “Do you think I lied about Greta and Malcolm?” I frowned at him.

“I don’t know.” He said suspiciously. “Did you?”

“No.” I denied. “Why would you think that?”

“Fear can make us do crazy things, Alison. Maybe even lying to the police.”

I finally understood what he meant.

“Do you think…” I stuttered. “Do you think that Greta was telling the truth about Brahms being alive? Do you think he’s holding me captive?”

He was still staring into my eyes firmly but the almost invisible twitch of his facial muscles assured me that I was right.

“Look, I don’t know if you lied or not, I just wanted to tell you that if this was the case I can protect you.”

 _Wow._ I looked away from his face and started to fixate a dark tree with my eyes. I was still scared, the whole situation was too bizarre but now I was rather feeling uncomfortable than terrified. _He wants to protect me? At least it means he doesn’t know for sure that I was lying and Brahms is indeed alive._

“I’m fine, Aaron.” I told him, trying to sound confident. “I really am. I’m just living there in peace with the doll. I’m not in danger or forced by anyone. It’s just me and the doll.”

He was still wondering over my face with his brown eyes, trying to find any suspicious sign.

“Okay...” He said finally. “I believe you if you say you’re not in danger. But are you sure you’re alone with the doll in that house?”

“Yes, I’m absolutely sure.” I even tried to force a small, confident smile on my face.

Aaron’s eyes slightly narrowed as he crossed his arms against his chest as well, imitating my gesture. I knew I should’ve stayed quiet but I couldn’t help asking it. My guts were telling me there’s more to his reasons to believe Greta was telling the truth and I wanted to find out what.

“Why would you think that Brahms didn’t die in the fire?” I asked, my voice confused no matter how much I tried to sound natural.

He seemingly hesitated whether to answer my question or not, his gaze moving on my face.

“Doesn’t it sound logical to fake your child’s death after what happened to Emily Cribbs?” He asked suddenly, gesticulating heavily and then anxiously digging into his short, dark hair. “A fire would be the most obvious solution. They could easily say that the body turned into ashes, meanwhile you could hide the unharmed child…”

 _Unharmed, not so much…_ I thought to myself, recalling the deep scars on the right side of Brahms’ face.

I didn’t say anything, waiting for Aaron to tell me more and luckily he did so.

“I know it sounds awful but I’m sure you know that some people truly believe there’s a ghost haunting in the manor. Brahms’ ghost…”

I nodded so he continued with a loud sigh.

“When I was around fourteen, my friends and I decided to… kinda break into the Heelshire property.”

I swallowed hard, it already didn’t sound promising what he was about to tell me.

“There was something truly eerie about that house and the whole story. I mean two children died there the same day in mysterious circumstances… I know how horrible it sounds but we were just stupid teenagers who were bored and teased each other into it. We knew for sure that Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire went out to fulfill some social duties at another posh family so… We could easily got inside the property from the woods. We found the headstone in the garden… We were loud, laughing and shouting since no one was around there anyway. We drew lots who was the one who had to break into the house alone… I got to be the lucky one of course.”

My heart was racing like crazy while I was listening to his story.

“I didn’t want to do it, I knew we were going too far but you know… I didn’t want to seem uncool, even if I’m not proud of it now. The lads told me I had to go inside from the back entrance and stay in the house for at least ten minutes then I could leave. I did so, I could easily open the back entrance door with some trick I’d learned before. It felt incredibly wrong so I stayed downstairs and waited for the ten minutes to pass. It was dark but a small lamp was switched on in the living room so I just stayed there waiting when I started to hear strange noises. They were like footsteps and creaking sounds coming from upstairs. But I stayed calm and after the ten minutes had passed I left the house through the back entrance. The noises were creepy as hell but when I turned back to have a last look at the house before joining my mates, I… I saw someone in the window, standing there and watching me. It was dark so I blinked to see it more clearly but when I opened my eyes again it was gone. But I could swear I saw someone. It was a tall, dark shadow.”

“Sounds creepy.” I reacted, pretending his story didn’t touch me too much.

“I ran back to my friends and didn’t tell a soul about the noises and what I’d seen in the window. They would’ve laughed at me anyway. I was also ashamed of myself, breaking into a bullied and dead boy’s house like it was a haunted scare house people visit for fun. Later I convinced myself I hallucinated all of it because of the adrenaline but… After Malcolm and the nanny’s claim the memory came back. I didn’t know Greta but I knew Malcolm and he was a good guy. It’s still hard to believe that he made up a story because he went mad.”

“I can believe that.” I nodded. For a moment I even felt sorry for Aaron, it must’ve been hard to know that nobody would ever believe him. But I obviously couldn’t tell him the truth, I needed to protect Brahms and myself. “That mansion is indeed eerie, no wonder it makes people see things which aren’t real.”

“So you haven’t seen or heard anything strange in there, Alison?” Aaron asked, his voice still suspicious.

“I heard some creaking noises but it’s quite normal with this old buildings. Nothing special apart from that.” I lied.

“Are you sure?” He asked silently, leaning closer to me.

I kept the eye contact, wondering couldn’t he let go of this assumption that I wasn’t alone in the manor. Why is he so obsessed?

“Why would you want to know if Brahms is really dead or not? What different would it make to you if he was alive?” I couldn’t help asking it, hoping I didn’t betray myself.

“Because one day this town will be my town, Alison.” Aaron answered with determination in his voice.

“Your town?” I asked from surprise.

“After Will - the old man who I visited you with – retires, I’m the one who’s going to take his place. My father was a policeman too. He was the best and most recognized around here but he died four years ago. I want to take his place, being as good as he was.”

“What does all this have to do with the Heelshires?” I asked.

“I didn’t only become a policeman to follow my father’s steps.” Aaron explained with a serious face. “My biggest motivation was that I believed in justice, Alison. Justice is something that everybody would deserve, don’t you think? I want my town to be a safe place where everyone gets what they deserve. A place where justice is served properly.”

I swallowed hard and even started to sweat a little as Aaron said those words.

“So you’d lock up Brahms Heelshire forever if he was alive to do justice for Emily Cribbs’ family?” I asked him, expressing with my slightly sarcastic tone how obsessed I believed he was.

“Emily Cribbs’ family?” Aaron frowned. “No, Alison. Emily’s been dead for 25 years, her family was able to bury and grieve her. Nothing would bring her back to them, not even the truth.”

His answer honestly shocked me.

“What do you mean by justice then? Malcolm?”

“No.” Aaron chuckled. “I talked to him yesterday actually, he’s doing great. He’s living in Montana with Greta. They got married last week.”

“They got married?” I asked with honest surprise.

Aaron nodded.

 _Greta and Malcolm got married, that’s the news…_ But I forced myself to focus on the still unanswered question.

“Then who do you want to do justice for?” I frowned.

Aaron didn’t answer and I recognized a tiny spark of embarrassment in his warm brown eyes, as if he was scared of my potential reaction. Then suddenly I recalled what he’d said about breaking into the Heelshire manor. He said he’d felt ashamed for breaking into a dead, _bullied_ boy’s house. I automatically opened my mouth from shock when the realization hit me like a bullet.

“You want justice for Brahms.” I whispered.


	48. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late evening update again, sorry. I needed to reread the chapter one more time before uploading it, I wanted it to be interesting since it's a very important one. Very very important.
> 
> (!!! Just in case. If any of my readers or someone you know came from posh British families, you need to know that I do not believe you're like how I characterize the Heelshires and others in this chapter. The families of this small imaginary town have, well... let's just say, interesting ideas about life. But it's only a story, not real life. I felt like sharing this because I obviously don't intend to hurt anyone. !!!)
> 
> I love you all and I hope you'll enjoy this fresh chapter! :)

I hoped my question didn’t betray the truth about Brahms being alive. I needed to remind myself that this guy might be indeed a good guy and much cooler I thought he was but I still couldn’t trust him. We weren’t talking about stealing chocolate from the candy shop, we were talking about a murder. Multiple murders if we count Emily Cribbs as well.

“Did you know Brahms?” I asked, realizing he must’ve been the same age as him so they could’ve met easily in a small town like this.

“I talked to him once.” Aaron admitted with a nod.

“You did?” I asked, still in shock.

“He was two years younger than me. My father knew everyone who lived in this town or around the area. He believed it was part of his job to stay in contact with people, talk to them time to time, earn their trust… So let’s just say, he talked to a lot of people. And people talk a lot in this town, as you’ve experienced it yourself as well, I suppose.” Aaron told me.

“I have.” I nodded with a grimace. “Was your father a friend of the Heelshires?”

“Not exactly.” Aaron chuckled tenderly. “It was more like a polite, reserved relationship. My father visited them sometimes, maybe twice a year to talk about town business and share a drink. He did this basically with all those rich families around the area. It’s a little hard to explain…”

“Just try.” I said.

“It’s just that…” He continued with a sigh. “These posh families around here are extremely polite mostly. These people can be a very pleasant company to share a conversation with, they’re nice and friendly. The Heelshires especially, they were very generous, they gave high amount of financial support to the town for developments and stuff. They’d been very kind to Malcolm for instance, at least as far as I know. The same with my father and the police . Although, at the same time these families can be… Let’s just say, they keep the distant from people like you and me.”

“People like you and me?” I frowned.

“I know it sounds kinda shocking if you’re not familiar with these things but that’s what they do. They’re generous and friendly most of the time but never let an outsider into their own circle. They’re polite with you but you’d never be a real friend of them unless you’re from an equally _important_ family. That’s just how it works around here.”

“Okay…” I nodded, what I heard didn’t really shock me. It sounded bad but wasn’t something one wouldn’t expect. “But how’s all that connected to you and Brahms Heelshire?”

Aaron had let out a long sigh one more time before he started talking again.

“Ordinary lads like me mostly didn’t have the chance to get to know the children of these families. Those boys and girls had private teachers who visited them every day at their houses and obviously their parents never brought them to the playground where ordinary people brought their children. Those kids only socialized with each other. They were taught to be polite with everyone, even us of course but never to get too friendly. My situation was a little different because of my father. Sometimes he brought me with him when they visited these families.”

“So you’ve met Brahms during one of those visits?” I asked.

“Indeed.” Aaron answered. “I met all those children this way actually. Including Brahms Heelshire and Emily Cribbs.”

“You knew Emily as well?” I frowned from surprise.

“I did.” He nodded. “She was the same age as I was, two years older than Brahms.”

“How do you know that Brahms was bullied? Did he tell you?” I asked a little impatiently, having this hunger for more knowledge of Brahms’ childhood that had screwed him up so much.

I recognized a pale half-smirk on Aaron’s face. He probably liked that I was finally interested and cooperative.

“Everybody knew, Alison. All these families knew about it. Well, some of the kids were bullies, some of them weren’t but they all knew about Brahms Heelshire being tormented by some of the rich lads, so my father knew as well. And I knew it too this way. Sometimes parents think that their children don’t listen to what they talk about around them but they actually do pick up on everything. I heard my father talk about it with my mother. I also heard Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire talk about it with my father, although they tried to avoid the topic every time, it seemed like they were slightly ashamed of it.”

“Do you think Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire were ashamed of Brahms?” I interrupted Aaron.

“I wouldn’t know for sure but I’m convinced that they were. Everyone was complaining about how strange Brahms was and that he didn’t play well with other children. He didn’t even want to talk to them or interact with them at all. I don’t think the Heelshires handled their son’s situation well. Malcolm said that Mr. Heelshire had admitted to him once when he was drunk that he’d always thought that his son was odd. But in my opinion even if he was odd, they should’ve gotten him proper help instead of forcing him to act like other children did. I think they were ashamed of the uniqueness of their son whatever the hell it was, so they rather chose to pretend they were a perfect family and everything was fine and dandy. But obviously it wasn’t.”

Aaron had held a break before he continued.

“I’d met almost all the other children before I met Brahms. Usually my father shared a drink or drank a tea with the parents while their children were told to occupy me since I was a guest. They usually showed me around in their rooms, boasting about their awesome toys or fancy free time activities. Like I said. They were polite, talkative but kind of… stuck-up.”

“How was Emily Cribbs like?” I interrupted again.

“She was the same like the others but even more talkative. It was 25 years ago but I still remember that she was talking about her doll all the time, it was quite boring.”

I smiled bitterly as I remembered how Brahms was telling me the same.

“She talked about Brahms as well.” Aaron continued. “I don’t remember too much but she was telling me that they were gonna get married when they grow up and that her parents told her this.”

“Do you think the parents had some kind of deal about Brahms and Emily getting married?” Not that Brahms didn’t hint the same when we were talking about his childhood but I still made a strong grimace. Aaron undoubtedly noticed it as he answered.

“You need to understand one thing, Alison.” He said and his words gave me the chills since pressuring someone into marriage was indeed one of the rare things in the world I couldn’t understand. “These kind of families work a little differently. They cling to traditions desperately and they’re obsessed with the idea of… protecting aristocratic blood and wealth, so to speak. I know it sounds awful and cruel but this is how things are. Of course, they wouldn’t have forced Emily and Brahms into a marriage but it was a decision already made by the parents and they probably would’ve done everything to talk their children into it.”

“That’s so wrong.” I murmured.

“You’re right.” Aaron sent me a weak smile.

“So what about you and Brahms?” I asked.

“I remember I was a little scared when my father told me he wanted me to come with him when he next visited the Heelshires. I heard so much about Brahms from the other lads. That he was odd and scary. They were talking about him as if he was a freak.”

I slightly clenched my lips as I realized that it was actually hurting me listening to others hurting Brahms. I knew he wasn’t a saint but I just felt angry about those kids bullying him. _He wasn’t a freak. He was just a boy whose parents chose the pretense of the perfect family than considering their son’s needs. He’s not a freak. He’s just a man._

“But he didn’t seem so bad to me. He didn’t seem bad at all to be honest.” Aaron said. “We met a month before the fire. He was almost eight and I was ten. My first impression was that he seemed very shy, very timid. He didn’t talk, only when it was necessary and didn’t smile at all. His parents told him to show me his room so we went upstairs while Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire and my dad were downstairs. But instead of starting to boast about his toys or give me the swanky talk about his life, Brahms sat down on his bed with a book and started to read. It was actually shocking, I remember I was just standing there in the middle of the room, watching him with that book in his hands, ignoring me being there. I’m telling you, it wasn’t what I’d expected from the so called freak. He just wasn’t like the other rich kids.”

Aaron let out a small, confused chuckle and I suppressed a smile. It was so much the Brahms I knew.

“I asked him what he was reading and if it was interesting. Then I sat on the bed next to him and we kinda started to talk about books.”

“You like reading?” I frowned.

“Why, a policeman can’t have a passion for books?” Aaron frowned back at me with a smile. “Aren’t you a little judgmental, Alison?”

“Sorry.” I chuckled, sensing the irony in his voice.

“Brahms asked me why I was kind to him.” Aaron continued sharing his memory with me. “I don’t think it’s something an eight year old should ask, right? He seemed almost like happy that I wasn’t a complete asshole to him and I didn’t bully him because he didn’t want to play. He didn’t really grin or anything but I still got the feeling he was happy, you know? I… I don’t know what exactly happened in the woods on his birthday, Alison… but I’m telling you that it was the fault of the parents mostly, if not entirely. Brahms might have had autism or something, it doesn’t even matter but I’m sure that if he’d been taken seriously, that could’ve saved two children’s lives. And I’ve been even thinking…”

“What?” I asked but he didn’t want to tell me more.

“Never mind. I can’t say it loud, sorry. I’d commit a criminal offense if I told you what I think.”

“Okay, I want to know now.” I tried to convince him.

“Maybe once I’ll tell you but not now.” He shook his head. “But tell me. Where are the Heelshires? Where the hell did they go?”

“Um, they went on holiday.” I frowned like it was obvious even if I knew they’d left for good.

“Rubbish!” Hearing Aaron curse like this shocked me. “I don’t think they’re ever coming back.”

“Why would you think that?” I swallowed.

“Come on, Alison…” He said, fixating me with his brown gaze. “They got a nanny, two nannies sorry… And then they disappeared. Nobody’s heard from them since they left. Or have you?”

“No.” I shook my head, didn’t want to lie about it, knowing everyone in town would notice that the old couple disappeared sooner or later.

“It’s almost like they got a nanny because they knew they wouldn’t come back. Two young, pretty nannies…” He added and I knew it wasn’t an attempt to flirt with me. It was an assumption.

“What are you saying?” I asked but I knew exactly what was in his head.

“I don’t judge, Alison.” His words made me freeze but I tried to keep the eye contact. “I know it sounds odd coming from a policeman’s mouth but sometimes justice cannot be served by law and we have to accept that. I can’t imagine what a lifetime hiding from the world would do to an already disturbed kid but… I can protect you. But if the… circumstances would require, I could protect you _both_.”

My hands started to shake as I quickly examined his words in my head. _What if he’s lying and he wants to put both of us in jail? I can’t risk it, I just can’t._

“If he’s alive…” Aaron started silently, almost whispering.

“He’s not, Aaron.” I said firmly. “I’m pretty sure he’s dead. I’m so sorry.”

Aaron kept looking at me and I noticed disappointment in his eyes.

“Okay.” He murmured and I almost felt sorry for him that he kept remembering Brahms like a mature but shy eight year old who he could’ve been friends with if the fire didn’t happen right after the two had met. “But you need to promise me that you’ll be careful anyway.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Even if Brahms is indeed dead, there might be more in the background than you know, Alison. Than what we all know.”

His voice was so sinister and the way he leaned a little closer to me as if he was telling me a secret creeped the hell out of me.

“What you mean?” I stuttered.

“I don’t know.” He said, his voice confused. “But I have a bad feeling. I bet the Heelshires will never show up again. I just feel it in my guts that something’s not right. There’s just something else about this family, something wrong, I know it. All I’m saying is that they might have some dark secrets that can come back to haunt them after their vanishing. And since you’re the only one who stayed in that house… Their secrets might transfer to you whether you want it or not. Regardless you know about them.”

I couldn’t say a word. My mouth was dry and there was a huge lump in my throat growing bigger and bigger by every single sinister word.

“Okay, I think we’re done here.” Aaron said finally. “Sorry for scaring you and dragging you out of the car but I really needed to tell you this.”

“It’s okay, I’ll survive.” I stuttered.

“C’mon. I’ll take you home.” Aaron said and walked back to the car and I followed him, still thinking about what he’d said about the Heelshires’ secrets and I had no idea why but I was terrified.


	49. The “J” Word

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you miss Brahms? He wasn’t in the last three chapters and I kinda missed him a lot. I wanted to give these two a chapter break from the constant talking about the dark past.
> 
> It's the middle of the night here but when I wanted to upload this chapter I realized I didn't really like it so I decided to rewrite almost the whole thing until I felt satisfied with it. I know, #writersproblems haha. Sorry for the late update again but I needed to fix the many flaws before uploading it. But here it is finally. Enjoy! :)

The police car rolled through the old, Victorian style gate that Rose had left open a few hours ago when she’d picked me up. Aaron and I remained silent during what left of the ride, both of us were sank into our own thoughts.

He only stopped the car at the bottom of the stairs that led to the entrance door. He didn’t get out of the car to walk me to the big entrance door but he waited for me to get inside the house safely. I closed the door behind me and watched from the window how the car left in the between the dark trees.

I drank a glass of water in the kitchen, wondering if Brahms had fallen asleep while waiting for me to get back. A minor headache was spreading in my brain and I couldn’t decide if it was the result of drinking beer or the intensity of my night out. So many emotions were bouncing in me which started to suck the rest of the energy out of my body. I was standing in front of the kitchen counter with the empty glass in my hand, trying to identify what I was feeling exactly or at least count the emotions one by one but I couldn’t, no matter how hard I was focusing. I was a complete mess and all I could think of was getting a long, relaxing sleep.

I took down the glass and decided it was definitely time for bed so I went to the lobby to go upstairs. It was pretty dark there since I didn’t even bother to turn the lights on, except the small lamp right next to the door. I stopped on the second stair as I realized how dizzy I felt, probably because of the mixture of the beer and tiredness. I decided to go back and turn on the lights anyway so I could see more but when I turned back I noticed a dark, tall shadow standing in the hall, watching me.

I let out a loud scream even if I knew it was Brahms.

“Damn it, you can’t keep doing this all the time!” I shouted at him angrily.

I knew how jumpy he was so I was slightly surprised when instead of jumping from my scream he slowly started to walk closer to where I was standing. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs, right in front of me. I was still standing on the second stair and I realized how new and weird it felt that the top of my head now reached his eye level.

“I thought you were sleeping.” I said.

“Who brought you home?” He asked and I realized he’d probably saw the police car from the window. I also realized he didn’t seem happy at all, he more like seemed mad.

“A friend of Rose.” I shrugged.

“The policeman?” Brahms asked, his eyes becoming narrow.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “The one who was questioning me about Greta and Malcolm.”

Before Brahms could say anything I continued.

“Guess what. They got married.”

“Who got married?” Brahms asked and I immediately regretted telling him as I saw the sudden hurt in his gaze when he realized I was talking about Greta and Malcolm.

_Why did I have to tell him, what’s wrong with me?_

He looked away from me and he clenched his lips so much that they almost turned into a thin line.

“I’m sorry.” I murmured and he looked back at me but the pain didn’t fade from his light green eyes.

I couldn’t believe it. I thought he was already over her. _Why does he seem this hurt like Greta would’ve left him for Malcolm a week ago?_

“Do you still care about her? Do you still love her?” I asked automatically as I crossed my arms in front of my body. I didn’t want to say any more words but somehow I just couldn’t hold them back. I tried to convince myself that it was only the effect of the three bottles that the questions wanted to come out of my mouth desperately but honestly, I wasn’t so sure anymore.

First, Brahms’ eyes narrowed in a sinister way and I saw the now familiar sparks of rage in his gaze. He leaned closer to my face but then suddenly he raised an eyebrow high like he just realized something in the exact moment. He cocked his head to one side as he frowned.

“Why are you acting so strange?” He asked.

“I’m not acting strange.” I objected.

“Yes, you are.” Brahms insisted. “You sound like you’re… blaming me.”

And that was the moment when I noticed the weird, almost anxiety-like burning sensation somewhere around my stomach area. It felt like…

_No, no, no, no, no… That can’t be._

I was just standing on the second stair frozen after I understood what the weird feeling was, my eyes reflecting fear, while I was fixating Brahms’ green gaze.

He didn’t have enough experience in relationships and recognizing other people’s feelings so he wasn’t able to put together the pieces, fortunately.

“Why did _he_ drive you home, Alison?” He asked suddenly and now it was time for his tone to sound like he was blaming me.

“Because he offered and Rose didn’t have to drive this way.” I explained, my voice more annoyed than it was needed.

“You cannot be friends with policemen, it’s dangerous for us.” He added in a lecturing voice that started to raise my anger higher.

“He’s not my friend, he just drove me home, Brahms.” I told him, the volume of my tone rising a little.

“I don’t care!” Brahms spat. He didn’t shout but his voice became more explicit as well. “You promised you’d go out with the girl and she drives you home afterwards. Why did you get out of a man’s car then?”

I felt that my face were getting hot and probably red from rage, although I wasn’t sure whether I was mad at Brahms or whether I was hating on myself for feeling this way.

“You cannot tell me who I can be friends with or who I can talk to. You’re not my boyfriend.”

Brahms’ left cheek turned into the same reddish color as mine from anger but I didn’t care.

“But even if you were my boyfriend…” I continued between my teeth while I was heavily gesticulated with my hand. “You couldn’t tell me what to do then either.”

“Do you like him?” Brahms asked instead of reacting what I’d tried to explain to him.

“Yeah, he actually surprised me in a very pleasant way. He’s much nicer than I thought he was.” I answered.

“Is that so?” Brahms gritted between his teeth as he leaned even closer, although two stairs were still between us.

“Yes.” I said firmly. “But not the way I like you.”

He froze for a moment and I tried to hold myself back but again, I just couldn’t.

“Not that you care.” I added in a whiny voice.

“What?” He asked and he sounded pretty confused.

“Nothing.” I shrugged, feeling embarrassed and incredibly mad at him.

_No, I’m not mad at him. I’m angry with myself for feeling this way and acting this childish. Is the beer enough to be blamed for making me ridiculously oversensitive? I hope so._

“Because you’re still sad about Greta.” I blurted out since I knew he wouldn’t let me go until I tell him what I meant.

“Of course I’m sad about Greta, she stack a damn screwdriver in my belly.” Brahms frowned, his voice annoyed and confused at the same time.

“No, you’re sad because she married Malcolm.” I said but regretted right away, knowing I wouldn’t be able to look into the mirror the next day after how childish I’d been behaving.

Brahms looked at me and I saw enlightment replacing the confusion is his eyes as he finally understood.

“Are you jea…?”

“Shut up! Don’t you dare saying it loud.” I screamed, not allowing him to finish his question. He didn’t have to, I knew exactly what he was going to ask. I was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to handle hearing the word _“jealous”_ in this context.

I saw on his face that he had to concentrate harshly not to smug but seeing my facial expression, he wisely chose not to.

“You know what? Forget it. I’m probably just exhausted, that’s why I’m being weird. Sorry. Let’s go to bed.”

I wanted to turn around but Brahms grabbed me by my hips and lifted me up, then put me on the ground, snaking his arms around me. I looked up at him since my face were now at one level with his chest again due to the height difference between us. I felt my heart beating faster as he rolled down his pretty eyes onto my own.

“Kiss me.” He demanded.

“No.” I shook my head.

“I don’t care about Greta. I only care about you.”

“You’re lying.” I responded quickly.

“I would never lie to you.” He denied.

“Then you’re lying to yourself as well.”

“I bet you’re the most stubborn woman on Earth, Alison.” He whispered, his eyes filled with anticipation. “Kiss me.”

“No.” I resisted and covered my mouth with both of my hands tightly as his face came closer to mine. “You don’t tell me what to do. I only kiss you when I want to.”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t catch that.” Brahms said with a smirk but I was pretty sure he was only teasing me and he understood perfectly what I said even if I had my hands in front of my lips.

“Okay then.” He let out a tiny chuckle after I’d pulled a grumpy face at him.

He leaned closer and gave a kiss on my forehead which was followed by another one. Then I felt his lips moving towards my cheeks and finally reached the back of my hand.

“This won’t work, Brahms.” I mumbled behind my hands as I felt his warm skin on mine.

He sent me a tiny smile and hugged me close to him. He buried his face into the crook of my neck and then just held me tight in his arms. We’ve been standing like this for a while when I finally removed my hands from my face. I hugged him back, slipping one arm under his biceps and moved my other hand into his curls. After a while I was even able to forget about the scary things I’d heard earlier that night and about the sinister warning of my intuitions.

The effect his now well-known musky scent had on me was absolutely tremendous, almost tranquilizing me until I wasn’t able to think anymore. I didn’t care about the outer world from that moment and I was getting to the point where I just felt like kissing Brahms.

Our kiss was slow and deep, something eerily close to an emotional touching of the lips. I melted into his arms with my whole body while my lips were merging together with his. I was relishing the softness of his flesh and the taste of his lips that was unique and something only he had. I wanted to stay with him like this forever but I knew I couldn’t. The tickling of the butterflies in my belly slowly turned into a raw desire which caused me an urge to let him do to me anything he wished. I knew it was time to stop.

He kept leaving small, playful kisses on my cheeks after I’d broken off the deep kiss. I brushed away an unruly, dark curl from his forehead as our gaze met.

“Let’s put you to bed.” I told Brahms and he answered with a nod and a tiny smile.

He lowered his head for another short kiss which I rendered gladly, then we walked upstairs hand in hand.


	50. Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> You might hate me for this chapter. But I promise my intention isn’t just to tease you guys, I actually know what I’m doing and where it all goes. Just trust me and enjoy the ride. Everything happens for a reason.
> 
> Since it’s Chapter 50, I thought I’d share a few thoughts about this fanfiction. The chapter itself is quite short anyway, so I decided it was the perfect time to upload this with it as well. If you’re not interested in my emotional lines that’s perfectly okay, then please skip this part and go to the chapter right away. <3
> 
> But here is goes…
> 
> When I saw The Boy for the first time the thing that turned my imagination on was the whole atmosphere of the movie. I loved the eerie shots about the house and the whole idea of an actual person being behind the “hauntings” instead of a ghost. Then as I watched it again and again I fell in love with this amazing character and the mystery around him. I started to think what would happen if we added a girl to the story who can relate to this guy and wants to understand his mind so much that she chooses to be friends with him rather than running away. A girl who’s been struggling with her own darkness and being too scared of freeing it. What would happen then, how would Brahms react? The next thing I knew, I had these scenes in my head about the two and a complete backstory of the horrifying things that happened to this mysterious family, called the Heelshires.
> 
> So since I couldn’t get the pictures out of my head, one day I started to write it down to protect my brain from explosion (with a little exaggeration of course :)). Never have I written any fiction in English before so I was convinced that I didn’t have the vocabulary to get through even the first chapter properly. But then I started to write down how this girl finds Brahms, how she reacts, how she helps him and the next thing I knew, I had four chapters written on my laptop and they weren’t as bad as I’d expected. So I started to upload the chapters, although I didn’t expect any kudos or anything. I remember when I saw the first two hits, I was literally screaming and jumping because it felt so insane that someone else read what was created by my mind. I still wasn’t sure that I could even get to the half of the story I wanted to tell but the feedback I received kept me going patiently. And here we are now, at Chapter 50. Not that the numbers matter because they don’t but I feel like it’s still a milestone because I didn’t even realize I’ve written so much until now. I know it’s way way way far from perfect but despite of the struggles I had, it always felt natural to write it. I’m determined to finish this story and not leaving it without a decent ending. So thank you everyone for reading and commenting (special thanks for reading this chaotic thoughts of mine). I truly love writing this story and writing for you. :)

It happened the next day. Just as I expected. I couldn’t look into my own eyes in the mirror when I remembered my childish behavior from the previous night. _Did I really get jealous of Greta and made a scene about it? That’s so not me, I don’t make scenes. What’s this guy doing to me? He’s driving me mad._

I withdrew into my room after eating breakfast, telling Brahms that I was tired and needed some time alone to rest. But the truth was, I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. He made me insecure and vulnerable. Just like the night before. When I thought about his feelings for Greta I felt a weird, unusual rage in me, as if my inner peace was completely depending on _him_ , the way _he_ looked at me, the things _he_ told me and _his_ feelings about me. It simply made me vulnerable like I’d been stripped bare in the mountains covered in snow and he was the only person who could make me feel warm again.

This feeling had been getting strong day by day since we’d been growing closer to each other and that emotional kiss from last night was a clear proof of it. The usual goodnight kiss after turned out to last longer than it was supposed to be as well.

Not to mention the guilt, that was too strong for me to deal with. _First, I protected a disturbed murderer and now I’m falling for him? No, it’s too much. This has to stop._

If it wasn’t enough struggle for me, Aaron’s words were still bouncing in my head, making me feel sick in the stomach every time they popped up in my mind. It was hard to admit but Aaron was right. Something wasn’t right around the Heelshires and I could feel it in my bones, even if I couldn’t put a finger on what it was. I just felt it, I couldn’t get rid of my intuitions’ warning about something really bad was about to happen and this sensation was killing me.

 

I went back to my room after lunch as well, trying to keep the distance from Brahms. I knew I couldn’t hide from him for much longer but I needed to sit there with my thoughts for a while anyway.

When the Sun started to change into a red ball as sunset occurred and turned the whole sky pink, purple and orange, I heard a knock on my door.

“You can come in.” I answered, being surprised that he knocked at all. He’d never knocked before.

I turned my back on the ruby red Sun to face Brahms. He walked to the window and stopped next to me, looking down at my face.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” I asked in a wondering voice, moving my gaze back at the colorful sky.

Brahms didn’t answer, he just tilted his head to the same direction. We’d been staring through the window for a while when he spoke.

“What’s wrong, pretty Ali?” He asked, his voice silent and careful like he was expecting a horrifying answer.

First, I was convinced I wouldn’t say anything to him about my feelings and act like it was nothing but then for my biggest surprise the words just slipped through my lips almost unintentionally.

“I’m scared, Brahms.” I told him as I looked up at him, my voice just as silent as his.

“What are you scared of, love?” He asked tenderly. My heart jumped as I heard the nickname he’d given me, making me even more conflicted. It made me feel nice and calm on one side as he showed endearment toward me. But on the other hand it terrified me how manly it sounded as it came out of Brahms’ mouth, making him look stronger and me more fragile.

“You.” I stuttered, staring at him with wide eyes. “I’m scared of you, Brahms.”

“No, not like that.” I added, when I saw the hurt in his green eyes. “It’s this thing, this chemistry between us that’s scaring me. It’s just so strong and I… I don’t know what to do with it and how to handle things anymore. It was easy when you were more like… a child. But now that most of the time you’re… You’re a _man…_ I don’t know what to do with you, you’re confusing me so much.”

“Am I confusing you?” Brahms asked as he stepped closer, closing the small space between us. He cupped my face with one hand, touching my waist with the other one as he formed his lips into a tiny smile. It wasn’t a smirk or a smug, it was an honest smile.

“Yeah, but it’s not a good thing, Brahms. It’s bad and I don’t like it. I don’t like to be confused.” I said and gently freed my cheek from his hand to express how serious I was.

“It’s too much, I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready for feeling this way.” I added.

I saw that was hesitating to say anything but then he did anyway.

“You’re thinking about leaving, aren’t you?” He asked, moving a tiny step backwards. He didn’t sound surprised at all, he rather sounded sad and resigned which was even worse to see.

“I think it’s time for me to go and do something with my life. I like being with you but I can’t let these feelings define me, I need to move and find who I am.” I explained.

“Sure.” Brahms chuckled bitterly and the sarcasm I sensed in his tone strengthened the fight in me.

“My goal was to teach you about life and give you love. But what about me? I need to think about my own life as well.” I argued.

Brahms finally found the defiance in him as well.

“I could give it back to you.” He said suddenly.

“What?” I asked.

“I could give it all back to you, if you let me. All the love I’ve received from you. But you don’t even give the chance for me to take care of you and give you love. You just push me away and it’s so not fair.”

He sounded more desperate than angry but what astonished me was the way he’d been arguing. It wasn’t childish at all, it felt like there was a brand new Brahms standing right in front of me, a new, grownup, manly Brahms. For a second I felt unbelievably proud of him but then the pride was washed away by the fear of my realization caused. _Yes, he is a man. A man who I’m starting to have feelings for._

“I don’t believe you.” I blurted out.

“What do you mean?” He asked impatiently.

“How am I supposed to know if you want to give love to _me?_ ” I asked in an explicit tone. “Maybe you don’t even want _me_ to stay here, you only want _someone_ to stay with you so you wouldn’t have to be lonely anymore. There’s a huge difference.”

I couldn’t believe I told him this. That was something new even to me what I’d just realized a few hours ago. I was scared of being only a replacement, a tool for him to ease his loneliness and desires with. It was painful to admit but I feared that any other “cute” girl would’ve been fine for him to stay with him after spending his entire life alone. I absolutely hated myself for thinking this way but I couldn’t get it out of my head.

Brahms looked slightly shocked by the assumption and I used his silence to tell him more of my point of view.

“Yes, I might need to leave, at least for a while. And you can’t get offended because I’m making a decision about _my_ life after all this time I’ve spent with you. I need to put myself first this time. If you love me at least a little then you need to understand.”

“Fine, Alison.” Brahms reacted, grabbing one of my arms and pulling me closer to him. “I understand that you’ve never been mine. And you probably never will be. But then you can’t toy with me like this anymore, do you understand me? Once you want me and the next day you push me away and ignore me completely. I don’t like it and you need to stop. Because it hurts.”

He slightly squeezed my arm and his gaze indeed reflected hurt and defiance.

“You’re right.” I nodded. “I’m sorry. There won’t be any kissing and touching then anymore. Only the goodnight kiss. If you want to keep that one, of course.”

He expressed with a nod that he intended to keep the goodnight kiss until our final moments together. I sensed that he was in pain and so was I but the decision needed to be made. At least we were able to make a clean breast of it and discuss things honestly.

“It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” I said after a minute of silence. “I want to be sure you’re ready when I leave. I want you to have a life on your own, Brahms.”

“What? To have a life?” Brahms asked, staring at me like I was a crazy person and he might’ve been right.

“Yes.” I said firmly, bracing myself for telling him all about my chat with Aaron. “And I might know someone who would be able to help you with that.”


	51. Light at the End of the Tunnel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a new chapter and I think it speaks for itself, no need for me to tell more. Enjoy! :)

A day had passed and I was cleaning Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire’s bedroom. I’d never been in the enormous, old fashioned room before since I always felt like Brahms didn’t want me to go in there and touch the belongings of his beloved parents. But this time I couldn’t care less what Brahms would’ve wanted. I literally cleaned almost the whole house and no other room left for me to make tidy, even if I desperately needed to find something else to clean. Cleaning was what I did most of the time when I felt emotionally frustrated. I cleaned everything I could reach. And this time I felt way too frustrated to stop and sit down calmly with my rumbling thoughts.

The previous day had been harder than I expected. I knew that we had a strong physical connection with Brahms even if we’d been never engaged in a sexual intercourse with each other, but what I hadn’t realized was that how strong this connection was anyways. Every time he was sitting or standing next to me, I automatically reached for his hand, hair or basically anything of him to touch. It felt incredibly weird to read a story together on the sofa without curling up in each other’s arms. During reading I caught Brahms stroking his finger through his own hair, the same way I used to do it, the same way I used to play with his curls. The whole situation felt unnatural and yet, only one single day had passed.

Our talk about Aaron didn’t go as I’d expected either, moreover, it ended with a small fight. Brahms said he remembered when they both were teenagers and Aaron broke into the manor. As Brahms told me the story, he was actually more scared of Aaron than Aaron was scared of him. He knew that the teenage invader probably saw him through the window but he hoped he wouldn’t tell anyone or even if he did, nobody would believe him about what he’d seen in the “haunted” manor.

What Brahms didn’t know though, was that Aaron was the same boy who he’d met before his eighth birthday. Brahms had never forgotten the boy who was so nice and friendly with him, he told me that he’d always wished they could’ve been friends. I noticed that the idea of Aaron wanting to protect him against the crowd cheered him up a little but he still didn’t trust him enough to tell him he was indeed alive. He made it clear he’d never tell Aaron the truth because he was a policeman who we still didn’t know much about. He could’ve easily lied to me about his intentions. Although, I understood his carefulness, I didn’t like that Brahms was so judgmental and refused Aaron’s help right away without any consideration.

I started to rub the dusty bookshelf a little more roughly as I remembered our heated dialogue when suddenly Brahms found me in the Heelshires’ bedroom.

“What on Earth are you doing in my parents’ room, Alison? I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” He asked, in not a friendly tone at all.

I didn’t answer. I was too annoyed to say a word since it was obvious what I was doing as I just changed the dusty material for a new cleaning tissue in front of his eyes.

“Why are you ignoring me again?” He asked angrily.

“I’m not ignoring you.” I answered. “I’m cleaning.”

“You’ve been cleaning the entire day like a crazy person.” Brahms rolled his eyes.

“That’s what I do when I’m annoyed, okay?” I rolled my eyes as well.

“You have no reason to be annoyed, pretty Ali.”

“That’s what I’ve been telling myself as well.” I said. “You’re a grown up man, you can make you own decisions about your life and I need to respect that. Even if I think it isn’t the right decision. If you prefer to stay here in this house on your own forever that’s fine and it’s none of my business.”

“It’s not that I prefer to stay here on my own, Alison, you know that.” Brahms explained.

“I know. You just don’t trust Aaron, I get it.” I murmured and I understood his reasons. I didn’t fully trust Aaron either. “But I still hope you’ll at least think about it. I mean, what other choice do you have?”

Brahms let out a frustrated sigh and crossed his arms in front of his chest as I desperately continued to rub the shelf in front of me.

“I can’t remember the last time I’d been in this room.” He said silently after a while of watching me organizing the books on the shelf.

“How come?” I asked. “Doesn’t this room have a secret opening through the walls?”

“It had, in the closet. But Mummy and Daddy covered it so I couldn’t get inside.” Brahms answered. “Actually, this is the only room in the house I wasn’t allowed to visit secretly.”

“It makes sense.” I shrugged. “I guess your parents needed some privacy.”

“After my face had got burnt and they’d moved me into my new room inside the walls, I started to have those terrifying nightmares so I kept coming to their room and climbing into their bed in the middle of every night. After a few months they decided to cover the opening in the closet so I couldn’t come into their room anymore.”

I stopped with a book in my hands as his words hit me hard, causing a lump in my throat as I imagined what little Brahms must’ve been through. He almost never talked about his life inside the walls and there was something eerie in the way he said it. His voice was emotionless and so was his face, like it was the most natural part of a child’s life.

I automatically reached for his hand to comfort him when I realized we’d discussed that we shouldn’t touch anymore, so at the very last moment I pulled my hand back and placed the book on the shelf instead.

I started to free the area around the big safe between the shelves from dust, trying to forget about what Brahms had just told me, when I suddenly heard him making a humming sound.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Nothing.” He frowned. “I’m just wondering why Mummy and Daddy needed a giant safe like this.”

“What you mean why?” I asked in a sarcastic tone. “I’m pretty sure your family has lots of stuff to keep locked away in a safe.”

“No.” Brahms shook his head. “They keep most of the values in a bank. They said it wasn’t safe to keep them in the house.”

“Oh.” I frowned, still without having any second thought about a rich family having a safe in their home. “I guess you don’t know the combination, do you?”

“Of course I do. They’d told me before they left… I mean, they told the doll, knowing I was listening to them.” Brahms added after seeing my surprised face. “They said I might have needed it some day when I need help.”

“What?” I blinked at him, I didn’t want to believe what he’d just said. “What did you say?”

“They told me I might have needed the combination in the future to help me with something.” He answered.

“And you’re telling me this only now?” I asked in an explicit voice. “It might be very important, Brahms. It might be a solution for our problems.”

“Our problems?” He asked crossing his arms in front of him again as if he was getting offended by my words.

“You know what I mean.” I told him impatiently. “You’re in need of help right now.”

Brahms was staring at me like I lost my mind and for a moment I believed he was right. I couldn’t imagine what it must’ve been in that safe and what kind of help Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire thought Brahms would need but I was sure they didn’t just tell him - or the doll or whatever - that something important was in the safe for him. I hoped it wasn’t money because money itself couldn’t help Brahms’ situation.

“What are you waiting for? Open it.” I urged Brahms who was staring at the safe while rubbing his chin with one hand, looking just as anxious as I was.

I saw his Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallowed hard and pushed the numbers on the small keypad. We shared a meaningful look after the lock had made a clicking sound as the small, metal door had opened up. Brahms opened it wider and we both froze for a second.

There was nothing in the safe, except an envelope that was sitting in the middle, looking tiny in the huge, empty space. I immediately recognized the old fashioned, wax seal on the envelope because I’d already seen it on the letter that Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire had sent to Brahms. It was the Heelshires’ seal.

Brahms took the envelope out of the safe and I saw that his hands were slightly shaking as he brought it closer to his eyes so he could read the addressing on it.

“It’s from them.” He mumbled. “It’s from my parents.”

“I… I can leave you if you need privacy.” I stuttered in a careful voice, thinking maybe he should’ve read the letter alone.

He didn’t answer though, he was just holding the dirty-white envelope in his hands, fixating it with glazed eyes. I recognized a touch of disappointment in his green gaze as I looked up at him.

“Brahms…?” I called his name gently. “Are you okay?”

“It isn’t for me.” He murmured in a deep voice.

“What?” I asked with a shocked face. _Who the hell is it for then?_

Brahms looked at me with the most serious face I’d ever seen him pulling at me.

“It’s for Greta.” He said as he moved his hand in my direction with the envelope in it. “So I guess it’s for _you._ ”

My lips separated from surprise, while I was constantly moving my gaze between Brahms’ disappointed eyes and the letter. I didn’t expect that was going to happen and I didn’t know how to react. It was for Greta, not for me but I knew what Brahms had meant by saying it was for me. I became his nanny at the moment when I replaced Greta and accepted his rules, promising to take care of him. It was logical that I automatically became the addressee of the letter but it somehow still felt uncomfortable, especially after seeing how disappointed Brahms was that his own parents didn’t write the letter for him, whatever it was written in it.

Suddenly Aaron’s words popped up in my mind about the Heelshires’ secrets automatically transferring onto me after I was the last person staying in their house. I started to understand what he’d meant by that. _A hidden letter and who knows what other secrets this family had been keeping._

“Take it.” Brahms urged me.

“I don’t want it.” I stammered, looking at him with huge eyes.

“Take it.” He repeated, this time his voice more desperate, almost like pleading, assuring me that he didn’t want to read it either.

I couldn’t do anything else than taking it and opening the envelope with trembling hands. Somebody clearly had to read it and there wasn’t anyone else in the room other than us.

I’d cleared my dry throat before starting to read the letter loud so Brahms could hear it as well.

 

_“Dearest Greta,_

_If you read these words, you certainly know that we will not be back, as well as the truth about our Brahms. We can only imagine what you must think of us, how we were capable of doing what we have done to you.”_

 

I looked up at Brahms.

“Are you sure you want to hear it?”

“I do want to hear it.” He nodded, although I already saw the hurt in his eyes.

“Okay.” I murmured and continued reading.

_“We do not intend to find an excuse for our sins, besides the desperate act of two old parents who wished to assure the life for their beloved son they were not able to give him on their own._

_Our son is difficult but he craves nothing more than love and gentleness, the kind that we were not able to give him anymore. Although, you are able and if you are kind to him, he would be just as kind to you and take good care of you in return._

_We would never leave our son without assuring a safe future for the both of you and – God may forgive us – our grandchildren. This phone number will help you and might answer all the questions you have._

_We can only dare to hope that one day you find forgiveness in your heart._

_With love,_

_Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire”_

 

I looked up at Brahms after finishing reading the handwriting of the Heelshires. His eyes reflected so much emotions that I didn’t dare to say a word for another long minute.

“Is there…” He started but his voice faded for the first attempt of talking. “Is there anything else in the envelope?”

“Um…” I mumbled as I dag into it with my fingers. First I wasn’t able to find anything but then I pulled a small paper card out.

“It’s a business card.” I noted loud.

 _“Phillip Nelson”_ It said with a phone number under the name.

“Brahms…” I looked up at him as my heart started to beat even faster than before, finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. “This card might be the solution for everything. It might be the solution for your life.”


	52. I Don't Need You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These last chapters have been an emotional roller coaster and it'll be like this for a little longer. If you're not sure about why Brahms doesn't simply capture Alison, don’t worry, he’ll “tell you” a few chapters later. :)

“Maybe if we try to call him later…” I murmured, still holding the black phone in my lap.

“Maybe.” Brahms shrugged, clearly wasn’t as optimistic as I was about this Phillip Nelson person.

We tried to call the number on the business card, letting it ring for a very long time but yet, nobody answered.

“Come on, Brahms, he might be just busy or can’t answer it for whatever reason. Be a little more enthusiastic.” I tried to encourage the curly haired man sitting next to me on my bed, pulling a resigned face at me.

“We don’t know who that person is.” He grimaced.

“That’s why I’m the one who’s making the call.” I reacted. “You really have never heard about this man?”

“No.” Brahms shook his head, the dark curls bouncing in front of his forehead. “Never.”

“Maybe he knows about you being alive. Maybe he can get you fake IDs and access to your family’s money so you can move away from this town and start a new life.”

Brahms looked at me, his eyes suddenly resembling to a lost little boy’s eyes. It finally made me realize that I might have been too pushy with him.

“Sorry.” I said with a regretful face.

“For what?” He asked.

“For being impatient. This must be a lot to take in and I understand. But I don’t want you to hide inside the walls and live like a shadow anymore. I want you to be free. Because you’re my friend.”

Brahms’ eyes widened and I suddenly remembered what had happened the last time I’d mentioned that I wanted to be his friend. He freaked out and pushed me on the floor, causing me to have the biggest bump on the back of my head that I’d ever had in my life.

I swallowed, my muscles got tense, waiting for his reaction but nothing happened. He moved his gaze down onto my hand which was still resting on the phone in my lap. I followed his eyes as he placed his hand on mine, causing my heart to beat faster when our skin finally met. I didn’t move away but after a few seconds Brahms realized himself that he probably shouldn’t have done it after the decision we’d made about not touching and kissing anymore.

“Sorry.” He mumbled after pulling his hand away from mine in a quick motion.

“No, it’s fine.” I stuttered. “Do whatever feels right. You can hold my hand if that’s what you want.”

“What do _you_ want?” He asked.

“It doesn’t matter.” I answered quickly.

“Why wouldn’t it matter?” He frowned. “Why does it matter less what you want than what I want?”

“Because… You said it hurts you when I'm close to you because you know I’m gonna leave. So you’re the one who can chose to be close or not.”

Brahms hesitated for a while before reacting.

“Doesn’t it hurt you as well?” He asked silently.

“It does.” I stammered. “But it doesn’t matter.”

“How can you say that?” Brahms slightly shook his head to express his disagreement.

“Because my feelings don’t matter, I’ll just get over it later. Don’t worry about me, worry about yourself, okay?” I explained, my voice quiet and cold.

Brahms eyes reflected confusion and I hoped I was only mistaken when I got to see a spark in his gaze as well which resembled to pity.

He sat a little closer to my body and hugged me in a tight cuddle.

“When?” He whispered into my hair and he didn’t have to give me details, I knew exactly that he was asking me when I would leave.

“Soon.” I answered in a weak voice.

 _Before it gets too heavy._ I added only in my head.

He let me go after a while and looked down at me.

“I… I think I should call my family. I haven’t spoken to them in almost two weeks and… I feel guilty about procrastinating to call them.” I said.

Brahms nodded. “I can leave you.”

“No.” I said firmly. “Please, stay.”

He nodded again, clearly being happy that I wanted him to stay since I sent him away every single time when I’d called my mom before. He wouldn’t understand what I was telling her in my mother tongue anyway.

 

“Hi, Mom.”

“Alison? You finally called.” I heard my mom’s voice on the other side of the line.

“I’m so sorry, Mom. I was busy. How is everyone?”

“I don’t appreciate when you disappear like this, Alison.” She rebuked me without an answer.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t disappear though, you could’ve called me too. I mean, you know this number, don’t you?” I asked.

“I was busy too.” She answered, her voice was unusually annoyed. “What is going on with you, my darling?”

“Nothing, I’m fine. Why’d you ask?”

“Because you’ve been keeping such distant lately. You used to tell me about your jobs, your travels and the people you hang out with but you don’t tell anything since you arrived in England. If you’re in any kind of trouble you can tell me, honey, you know you can.”

“I’m fine, I really am, I promise.” I tried to convince her.

“Okay, okay. It just feels like you’ve been having a secret life that you don’t want to share with us anymore.” Mom complained.

“God, I don’t. It’s just that this kid’s been keeping me busy who I’ve been taking care of. Nothing special.” I lied.

I heard her let out a sigh.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” I asked, starting to think something wasn’t right at home either.

“I’m worried, Alison. I feel like I don’t know anything about my daughters’ lives and they shout me out completely. I don’t know how to help you two anymore.”

“Wait… What’s wrong with Mia?” I asked, my heart suddenly beating in my throat.

“She didn’t want me to tell you but she was in hospital.”

“What?”

“Don’t worry, honey, she’s okay now. She’d been having this horrible stomach ache, we thought it was because she’d been stressing herself out so much about school but then she fainted after a class. We took her in the hospital and it turned out to be a stomach ulcer.”

“But how?” I asked from surprise. My sister was healthy all the time, she almost never got the flu even.

“She’s been under a lot of stress lately in school, I’m pretty sure it contributed to her getting sick. You know her, she wants to do 120% all the time.”

“Or maybe dad wanted her to do 120%...” I said angrily.

“No, Alison.” Mom answered. “Your father told her to rest more actually.”

“Of course…” I rolled my eyes. “Can I talk to her?”

Mom sighed one more time.

“You know how much she loves you, honey, but she said she didn’t want to talk to you right now.”

“Why not?” I asked, my voice confused. My sister would’ve never refused to speak with me.

“She feels like you don’t want to talk to her.” Mom explained carefully. “She said you didn’t call her too often anymore and even when you did you didn’t want to share anything with her. She felt like she couldn’t talk to you anymore, Alison.”

“So it’s my fault she got sick.” I noted in an explicit voice.

“I didn’t say that, of course it isn’t. All I’m saying is that you could talk to her later because you’re the only one who she listens to.”

“I don’t need to talk to her to know what happened.” I started. I didn’t know why I was so angry with my parents but I couldn’t hold myself back. “You and dad pushed her so hard to get the best grades in everything that she couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Why would you think that, honey?” Mom asked, her voice offended which wasn’t a surprise after all.

“Because that’s what you did to me.”

“Alison…” She started in the rebuking tone again. “She had a bad period in her life but it’s over, she hopefully understood that she can’t be the best in everything. She’s going to be fine.”

“I don’t think it’s normal for a sixteen year old to develop a stomach ulcer.” I said, somehow couldn’t stop blaming my parents.

“Then you could come home and help us instead of being smart from another country. Your sister needs you. We had a discussion with your father and he said that maybe this moving from place to place life should be ended for now. Maybe it’s time for you to come home and finally settle.”

I tried to swallow my tears. They weren’t tears of sadness, I knew exactly what my dad’s opinion was. They were tears of anger.

“And what do _you_ think, Mom?” I asked, trying not to show how mad I felt because I didn’t want to fight with her, especially after what had happened to Mia.

“Maybe he’s right, Alison. Maybe it’s really time for you to move back home and start a normal life. And I’m sure that’s what your sister wants as well.”

“Great.” I said quickly. “It looks like you guys are lucky because I’ve been planning to move home anyway.”

“Have you?” Mom asked from surprise. “That’s great, honey. You see? That will be the best for all of us.”

“Sure, Mom.” I answered in a resigned tone, trying to find some kind of consolation in her words that I’m indeed doing the right thing. “I’m gonna call you when I have the plane ticket. I might be home in a few days.”

“I’m so happy, Alison!” She said, her voice relieved.

“Talk to you later.” My voice wasn’t happy, nor relieved. It just simply sounded sad. “Bye.”

“Bye, honey.”

 

“Why does everyone need _me_ all the time?” I asked Brahms angrily after standing up from my bed and put the black phone on the commode with a rough motion. “Why do _I_ have to solve everyone’s life? What about my own?”

“What happened?” He asked, still sitting on the bed. He was listening to the conversation but obviously he couldn’t understand a word which was probably for the best.

“My sister is sick. She’s better now, but they want me to travel home as soon as possible. I mean, duh, of course I’m going home for my little sister but it still pisses me off so much.” I was simmering with anger, while walking around in the middle of the room unstoppably.

“Why?” Brahms asked and I saw him swallow when he heard that I had to leave as soon as possible.

“I don’t know.” I spat. “Because they expect me to do what they demand me to do. They want me to move home for good.”

He was watching me walk around in front of the bed for a while, seemingly getting lost in his thoughts.

“What is it?” I asked after I’d managed to calm down a little. “What are you thinking of?”

“I don’t need you.” He answered with an emotionless face.

“What?” I asked, facing him while he was still sitting on the bed, our eyes being almost at the same level.

“I don’t need you, Alison.” He repeated. “You don’t have to solve _my_ life.”

I was blinking at Brahms, incapable of believing what he’d told me.

“I don’t?” I stuttered.

“No.” He shook his head. “I’m a grownup. I can take care of myself.”

“That’s good to hear.” I frowned as I walked a step closer to him, examining his face.

We both jumped a little when the phone started to ring.

“It’s my mom probably. She might have forgotten to tell me something.” I told Brahms as I took the phone and sat on the bed with it.

“Hello?” I spoke into the phone.

But for my biggest surprise it wasn’t my mom who answered. It was a man’s voice.

“It’s Phillip Nelson, solicitor.” He said. “I’m calling because I had an unanswered call from this number.”


	53. The Last Lullaby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the new chapter which is a tough one but just as much part of the story as the cute, happy ones. Enjoy! :)

I couldn’t make a single word leave my mouth for a few seconds. I was staring at Brahms with wide eyes, holding the phone against my ear.

“Hello?” I heard Mr. Nelson’s voice on the other side of the line.

“Um… Hi.” I stuttered finally. “I’m… I’m calling from the Heelshire manor. I’m Brahms’ nanny.”

I had no idea what else to say, the whole situation felt extremely surreal. _Can we really trust this man? Does he really know about the real Brahms?_

The silence I got as a reaction didn’t give me more confidence either.

“Is that Greta speaking?” The attorney asked, his voice became more serious and cautious than before.

“No…” I said. At least it was now clear that he knew about the Heelshires hiring Greta as a nanny. “Greta left. I’m the one who took her place, kind of… I’m Alison.”

“Oh…” Mr. Nelson murmured, sounding surprised. “Where did you find my number?”

“It was locked in a safe in the Heelshires’ bedroom.” I answered carefully. I had no idea if it was a wise idea to tell this stranger things like that but I didn’t know what else to do. So I decided to stick to the original plan and ask this man for help. We needed to trust Brahms’ parents because we didn’t have any other options.

“I see.” The man answered. “I suppose you know about Brahms’ situation then.”

“His situation?” I stammered, not being completely sure what he meant.

“His _real_ situation. Secrets hidden inside the walls.” He said.

“Yes.” I admitted.

“Dear God… So he did show himself to you…” Mr. Nelson mumbled, his voice weird, as if he was scared of the things he was about to hear.

“Well, yeah but he did way more than just showing himself.” I answered with a confused voice while I was anxiously playing with the phone cord. “We found your card and we need your help, that’s why I called you.”

“Are you pregnant?” Mr. Nelson asked, his voice now just as shaky as mine.

“What? No…” I chuckled from confusion, not because I found the conversation funny but because I realized how equivocal my previous sentence had been. “No, it’s nothing like that.”

“Is any of you hurt?” The attorney asked.

“No, we both are doing great. Brahms is doing way better than you assume. But he needs your help.” I tried to explain.

“How can I help him?”

“Well…” I started, looking at Brahms from the corner of my eyes. He was sitting next to me silently, holding his face an inch away from mine to be able to hear the conversation. “I need to leave soon. And I want him to able to live his life on his own.”

I let out a sigh which was followed by a few seconds of silence on Mr. Nelson’s side. He probably didn’t expect to hear me say that.

“Are you leaving?” He asked in a disbelieving voice, assuming that Brahms was holding me captive or something creepy like that happening in the house.

“I know what you think, Mr. Nelson but I’m not forced to stay or to do anything at all. He just wants a normal life with a clean slate. Can you help him with that?” I asked.

After some more silence Mr. Nelson finally started talking.

“Mr. Heelshire was my childhood friend and I took an oath to him and his wife to protect their son, no matter what, so… It is my obligation to help, Alison. I’d been expecting your call, well Miss Evan’s call but to be fair, I expected this conversation to be much more difficult… I apologize, that is why I sound off, I wasn’t sure I would be able to bear this conversation with the nanny, even… Even if I swore to my old friend that I do everything I can to protect his son…”

I finally understood why his voice was full of fear and now, relief. This man knew about the Heelshires’ plan to get Greta for Brahms and then leave the “pair” alone in the house. He knew about everything. He even expected Greta’s call after being forced into a relationship by Brahms. This man promised Mr. Heelshire that he’d protect Brahms no matter what, even from Greta, the real victim of this horror story. Assuming from the Heelshires’ letter, they hoped that Greta would develop some emotional bond with Brahms so after some time being held captive, she wouldn’t try to escape or to hurt him. They told Brahms the code for the safe, telling him to open it if he ever need help. They assumed Brahms would open the safe and find the phone number if he gets Greta pregnant or if something goes off and she gets hurt. Mr. Nelson would’ve helped Brahms in both scenarios.

I felt I was about to get sick from the sudden realization. I buried my face in my free palm, clenched my eyes and started to take deep breaths to prevent myself from throwing up in the middle of the room.

But all of that didn’t matter anymore. I needed to calm down and focus on what was happening in reality in order to accomplish my plan to be able to leave Brahms in safe hands. Mr. Nelson might have been a bad person for what they were about to do to Greta but he certainly had the power to help Brahms and he needed his help right now.

“So you’re saying you can help Brahms to build up a new life somewhere else?” I asked, after pulling myself together.

“Indeed, I can and I will.” Mr. Nelson answered, his voice now more firm. “We can arrange a meeting in the Heelshire manor for next week, same day, same time. Is it fine for Brahms?”

“Yes, it’s perfect.” I answered without asking the confused, tall man next to me. Not that he had any other important things to do.

“I’ll be there then next week. And… I’m glad to hear that you’re… Fine.” The attorney murmured in a guilty voice.

“Thank you, Mr. Nelson.” I said. “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Alison.”

 

I placed the phone on the bed next to me and looked up at Brahms’ confused face.

“So he’s coming here to meet me next week…” Brahms summarized, his voice incredibly insecure.

“Yes.” I nodded firmly. “You’re gonna talk to him so he can help you. And everything’s gonna be fine. I promise.”

“Even if you’re not going to be here by then.” He grimaced.

“You’ve got this, Brahms.” I sighed. “You’re one of the strongest people I know. Even if you don’t know it yet.”

“I am?” He asked with a sarcastic, bitter chuckle as he lowered his head.

“Yeah. I believe in you.” I told him. “You need to let Mr. Nelson help you, you need to trust your parents.”

I swallowed hard and my facial muscles twitched as I remembered that these people were ready to sacrifice a clueless woman’s life and the idea caused my stomach to make a harsh turn one more time.

“It was a horrible thing, wasn’t it?” Brahms asked silently, his face serious.

“Was what a horrible thing?” I asked.

“That my parents tricked Greta for me. They thought she wouldn’t want to be with me, didn’t they? They knew that she’d never love me. It was a horrible thing what they did because she should’ve stayed with me willingly without being forced and tricked. Like you did.”

Brahms seemed disappointed and incredibly sad that he was finally able to understand the truth.

“It’s none of your fault, sweetheart.” I told him, feeling that my heart broke for him in that moment. “It’s not your fault that your parents didn’t believe in you being good. The most important thing is that you believe in yourself, that you’re a good man. And we both know that you are.”

“So you believe in me, Ali?” He asked.

“Yes, I do.” I smiled at him.

I saw Brahms let out a long sigh but the he nodded and sent me a small but hopeful smile.

*

A few days had passed by and my last day had come in the manor. I had my plane ticket thanks to Rose who took me to her place so I could buy it on her computer. My bag was already packed, not that I had too many things to take with me. I left the pink bathrobe on my bed, without the intention of taking it to Finland. I rolled up and placed the drawing into my backpack though, the one about my face that Brahms had drawn for me.

The cab was there for me in the afternoon so I still had a few hours to spend with Brahms. He handled the situation quite well, although he seemed pretty sad the whole day, as well as the day before. We both had been anxious for the previous days, our mood unexpected, changing from happy to desperate.

Now we were sitting on the wide piano chair, in front of the instrument in the study room. Brahms asked me to teach him to play Brahms’ Lullaby before I leave and of course I said yes. I still didn’t intend to play though – I hadn’t played the piano since my father had forbidden it for me -, so I was placing Brahms’ fingers on the right keys one by one. It was much more fun to teach him this way anyway.

“You’re such a good boy, Brahms.” I praised. “Try to play it one more time.”

And he did so, only missing a key at the end of the melody.

“No, the other one.” I chuckled as I tried to place his finger onto the black key.

I tried to ignore the butterflies the touching of our skin caused in my belly every time I placed my hand on his. After a small battle, I managed to silence the voice in my head that was constantly warning me that these were the last butterflies Brahms would ever give me.

Suddenly Brahms’ fingers froze on the top of the keyboard like he didn’t want to play the lullaby anymore. He didn’t say anything, he was only fixating his own hand on the piano and I sensed that he was trying to suppress something he wanted to say to me. There was an unspoken tension in the room which had been growing second by second together with the silence.

“Don’t leave.” Brahms blurted out, still fixating the piano instead of my eyes.

“You know that I have to leave. My sister needs me. She needs me but you don’t. You said it yourself that you’re a grownup and don’t need me to take care of you anymore.” I argued.

“You’re right, Alison.” He nodded, finally looking into my eyes. “I don’t need you. I _want_ you. I want you.”

His last sentence hit me hard. I’d never taken him too seriously when he told me he wanted me to stay forever but somehow this time for a moment I believed he might have been at least a little serious. _What if he really wanted me? Me, Alison and not just a woman beside him._ The idea of him really, genuinely wanting _me_ was unbelievably scary because it made things even more difficult. That was the end, I had the tickets, I was about to leave in a few hours and we had to deal with it now, no matter what.

I stood up from the chair and walked out of the study room with explicit steps.

“Where are you going?” Brahms asked, following me to the living room.

I actually had no idea where I was heading, I just felt like running away from the emotionally intense situation that I felt was coming. I didn’t answer so Brahms grabbed my wrist but I pulled my arm away from his slight grip.

“It’s so not fair.” The words burst out of my throat. “You can’t ask me to stay after we discussed everything about me leaving!”

“Yes, Alison, you’re right. It’s so not fair.” Brahms shouted, making me turn back to face him.

“Life isn’t fair.” I told him in a loud voice, trying hard not to scream from frustration as I even walked closer to him. “But you knew from the beginning I wouldn’t stay forever. I never lied to you about my intentions. I never lied to you about anything.”

Brahms deepened his fingers in his own hair, as if he was trying to get rid of his tension by ripping out of his curls.

“Fine. Go then!” He said between his gritted teeth as he pointed to the direction of the door.

“I will!” I shouted into his face, sensing that the tension was about to explode. “I won’t be here in a few hours.”

“Good.” Brahms answered in his deep voice and the next thing I knew was his lips landing on mine, begging for the most desperate, needy kiss I’d ever experienced in my entire life.


	54. Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this was the hardest chapter for me to create and I even got a little emotional during writing it...
> 
> I don't intend to spoil anything but the story is far not over yet though so bear with me. The next chapter should be a Brahms' POV but I definitely need a day to recover from writing this one.
> 
> Thank you for all the comments and kudos guys, I appreciate them as always. <3

I didn’t try to resist, I let him kiss me hard. But it wasn’t enough, he didn’t stop there. I was pushed roughly so I lost my balance and landed on the sofa in a sitting position. Brahms was there in a heartbeat too, kneeing next to me, lay me down then on my back with a quick motion. I slightly lifted my upper body, pushing my lips against his as he climbed on top of me.

The tension in that kiss was almost unbearable. I pulled his head closer, trying to deepen his lips on mine harder, even if I knew it was physically impossible. I buried my fingers in his hair, grabbing at a fist of curls, while we were devouring each other so roughly, we almost forgot about breathing. Not much longer we fell apart, gasping and trying to catch our breath without breaking the eye contact.

“We should… stop…” I gasped and Brahms nodded, the hunger in our kiss seemingly shocked him as well.

He leaned back to my face though, giving me a much slower and smaller kiss.

“We can’t do this. Not now that I’m leaving in a few hours.” I murmured. “It would be much more difficult to say goodbye if we… We can’t do this to ourselves.”

“I know, Ali.” Brahms responded with a small nod, his voice sad and resigned at the same time. “But what if…”

“What if what?” I asked, while playing with his curls.

“What if I don’t let you go?” He asked in a deep voice.

I kept fixating his light green eyes as I stroked my fingers on his right cheek. I felt the roughness of the scars on his skin, the same scars that had given him so much insecurity during his younger years. The scars I taught him to respect as they were the part of him. A part of his body and his story which was nothing less than worthy in its own beauty and uniqueness.

I moved my gaze from his face back onto his eyes.

“You will. You will let me go.” I answered in a quiet voice.

“I could easily lock you in my room inside the walls and keep you forever.” He said slowly, still looking into my eyes. “You’re so weak, you couldn’t fight me back.”

“Yes, you could do that, Brahms. But you won’t.” I answered. “You wouldn’t do it because you know me. You know I can’t be caged and I wouldn’t be the same anymore if you lock me in the house. You’d be still better without me than watching me break and lose myself day by day. And you know that.”

Of course he knew, he was a smart man. His eyes betrayed his feelings, he knew that he couldn’t force me to do anything without destroying my wings, the same wings he loved so much. My free spirit and stubbornness made me who I was. He couldn’t keep me without changing that and he didn’t want to change me, just like I didn’t want to change him. That was the most precious lesson one could learn, the most crucial knowledge I managed to give him. Letting someone make their own decisions without judging and manipulating, even if it hurts us in the most painful way it is possible to get hurt. And he knew it and accepted it.

That was what convinced me once and for all that Brahms was ready, that he was a man. He finally understood what love was…

He slowly kissed me, this time in a much gentler way, increasingly deepening the kiss, as if he wanted it to last for eternity. And I didn’t resist, not for a second.

We loved each other slowly and leisurely like we had all the time the Universe could’ve offered for two human beings. Every time we broke the kiss for getting some air, we sank deep in each other’s gaze and the outer world with all the problems, anxiety and fear faded for that time. I kept my legs draped around his hips and my arms tight around his body, hugging him so close it was impossible for him to move away even for a moment. That must’ve been one of the reasons why no clothes had been removed from our bodies while we were kissing and hugging. Not that either of us cared about being fully dressed. We just wanted to hold the other and keep our gaze locked when our lips occasionally fell apart.

No man had ever given me such pleasure only by hugging and holding me so tight as Brahms did during our final hours. He repeatedly kissed me slowly and deeply, while our bodies were unstoppably moving together, his hips against mine and mine against his, not ready to let each other go for just a little bit longer.

 

After our desperate need and longing for each other had tranquilized, Brahms lay down next to me, holding me in his arms silently. We didn’t give up on kissing and touching though, slowly caressing the other everywhere our hands reached. That was how my palm found the rough scar close to his belly button, after slipping under his t-shirt. The scar caused by the screwdriver I removed when we first met. The exact moment when one simple decision I made changed my whole world. The wound still hadn’t heeled perfectly but close enough so he didn’t need bondage or treatment anymore. He was now free to live a whole, healthy life.

_A life I won’t be a part of._

I buried my face into his chest as I finally started to comprehend that this really was the end of our time together, these were the last minutes we’d ever spend with each other. Suddenly all the happenings from the last two months popped in my head, all the memories came back at once, making my eyes wet.

_I shouldn’t be so emotional because that’s what I wanted, right? I wanted to raise this guy up, make a decent grownup out of him so he can start to live an actual life on his own. I succeeded, I reached my goal and I should be happy about it. Then why do I have this awful feeling which almost stifles me like someone would be grabbing my throat and shaking me by it? Goodbyes are hard but why do I feel like something isn’t right about this particular one?_

I looked up at the pair of green eyes which reflected nothing else than desperation. My blue ones probably didn’t look better either as I felt like a scared little girl, clinging hopelessly onto the huge teddy bear in her arms before it’s taken away forever.

Brahms stroked the back of his fingers on my cheek and kissed me gently. The weight of the desperation I sensed in his kiss told me that the emotions had been creeping from his eyes onto his lips. It was all too much, the intensity of the situation took all the air from me and I started to drown in the emotions.

A single teardrop left the corner of my eye as I broke the kiss.

“I need to go, Brahms. I can’t stay, I just can’t. I just can’t.” I stuttered, my voice as desperate as our kiss.

I buried my face back into the crook of his neck since I couldn’t stand the disappointment I noticed in his eyes. This must have been the moment when he entirely and genuinely gave upon the hope that I’d change my mind.

“I’m so sorry.” I muffled into his neck, trying to do everything I could to be able to swallow my tears. I believed if I broke and started to cry, then I simply couldn’t leave. Ever.

“It’s alright, Ali.” He whispered but his voice had already become a little distant, preparing himself for the farewell. He lifted up my chin with his hand so he can kiss me for one very last time.

“I’ll come back.” I said after our lips had separated. I knew I shouldn’t have given him promises I might not be able to keep but I had to say something encouraging.

“No, love.” Brahms told me silently in his deep voice and I realized how shiny his green eyes were. I wasn’t the only one who was fighting against the tears. “You won’t. We both know it.”

“Brahms…” I stammered but my voice was too shaky to say anything, not that I knew what I was supposed to say anymore.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for.” He said as he moved away from me and stood up from the sofa.

I immediately started to feel cold as the physical contact was broken between us, the kind of cold that creeps under your skin, deep into your bones, making it hard to believe it’s possible to ever feel warm again. I sat up as well, staring up at Brahms with wide, watery eyes.

“Goodbye, Alison.” He said, sending a short, final look to me. He then disappeared in the hall, leaving only creaking noises behind as he walked inside the walls.

I stayed on the sofa in the exact same position for another half an hour, not being able to move. I felt horrible, guilty and just overall awful. I decided I wouldn’t let myself cry and somehow I managed to swallow my tears, creating a giant lump in my throat by the forceful straining.

After a while I walked upstairs, changed my sweaty clothes for clean ones and forced all my things into the huge backpack I hadn’t put away yet. In the meantime I had, I walked through the house, silently saying my goodbyes to the old building which had been my home for the last two months.

I secretly hoped that Brahms would come out of the walls for a last hug before I leave but deep down I knew he wouldn’t. I'd murmured a “goodbye Brahms” into the empty lobby before I walked out through the enormous entrance. I still had to wait another ten minutes for the cab to arrive and I could’ve sworn it was the longest ten minutes of my entire life.

 

The rest of my trip to the airport was like a movie I was watching as an outsider, not being part of the story. I felt nothing, only emptiness which was worse than being sad, angry or anything else. I was scared that I’d stay a glazed eyed zombie forever, while walking around at the airport, gazing into nothingness, but fortunately I didn’t.

After occupying my window seat, I stared through the window motionless, feeling that the lump in my throat started to grow again as I understood that it was really over, I was really coming home for good. And as the plane finally departed, I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore.


	55. Broken but Strong - Brahms’ POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the traumatic last chapter, here's a Brahms' POV which is kinda depressing, I know... I know that it’s hard to see this beautiful character suffer but it’s necessary for the sake of the story.
> 
> Btw, it had been planned from the very first chapter that Alison would leave him so I already knew it when I started writing "Finding You". It was such a big turning point and I'm so excited to carry on the story from here.
> 
> There's one more thing. I need to take a few days break to write the next chapter. After some thinking I decided it's for the best if I don't break the next thing I want to say into two or three ones and just write it in one long chapter. You'll see the point when you'll read it. Also, I have my birthday tomorrow so I might be a little busy. :) So please be patient, I'll come back in a few days with a long chapter and after that hopefully everything goes back to the normal routine. <3

“If you love someone, you let them go.” I still remember the catchy line from the tiny, golden book I stole from my parents’ bedroom around ten years ago. For ten years it had been my favorite, besides The Beauty and the Beast. A love story about a mortal man who falls in love with a fallen angel. The angel is terrified of the human feelings and desires she begins to experience, so she decides to get her angel wings back and return to Heaven. The man instead of pulling her back, helps her to find her wings but when the angel is finally allowed to return to the sky, she chooses him and the love they feel for each other. In the end she stays on Earth with him forever and turns into an ordinary, mortal woman so they can grow old together.

I could never understand why the hero would let his love leave him if he loves her so much. Not until I met Alison. After I realized I couldn’t break, nor possess her, I started to admire her strength and how free she was. She never let me tell her what to do and even if it drove me crazy sometimes, I have to admit, I adored her spirit. So I listened to the moral of my favorite story had told me and let her go to show her what she meant for me.

I wish I knew it was all lies… Alison was right, fairytales don’t come true, sometimes the angel gets so scared of turning into an imperfect human being that she chooses to leave and return in the sky anyway. Even if I was heartbroken, I didn’t blame Alison for getting scared. These desires and emotions were damn terrifying for sure, they might have been too much for such a gorgeous creature.

I was sitting at the piano, trying to play my lullaby she’d taught me to play before she left, although I couldn’t remember on which keys I was supposed to put my fingers on at the end of the melody.

_Come on, think harder…_

I felt frustration rising in me as I pushed five different keys one by one, still not being able to figure out the sheet music. I angrily punched my fist on the keyboard, causing the piano to let out a loud, false sound.

I smiled bitterly as I thought about how angry Alison would be if she saw what I just did to her beloved piano friend. I painfully pushed my forehead against the sheet and clenched my eyes, the smile quickly faded away from my face. No matter she never played the piano herself, I knew she loved that instrument to death. I remembered when I’d caught her sitting on the old chair, staring at the yellow keyboard with the strongest yearning in her eyes but still, she never would’ve pushed a single key. She was a musical girl with the most angelic voice I’d ever heard in my life. I adored music as well but what I was feeling while listening to the different pieces the gramophone played was nothing compared to the emotions her sweet, unearthly voice woke up in me every time she sang for me. My Alison was talented, no doubt. I never understood why his daddy silenced her. It was so unfair, a singing bird shouldn’t have been caged, it should’ve been free to let out the wonderful voice it’d got.

Suddenly I felt that my anger level jumped high so I left the study room and the old piano in it. I was angry at Alison’s daddy.

 _Maybe if he was more loving to her, my dear Alison wouldn’t have been full of suppressions and she wouldn’t have left me to get rid of her scary feelings for me and the terrifying desires I felt as well._ I was sure I barely knew anything about being a daddy but somehow I was convinced that their job was to love and protect their children, telling them that there’s no reason to be scared, even when the whole world crumbles. Mr. Heikki had failed to do it, that is for sure. Just like _my_ daddy…

I hoped my heat would cool down at least a little if I ran upstairs but I was clearly mistaken, the fury still rumbling in me like a tornado. I’d thought a lot about the sins of both of Alison’s parents and mine own, such as how those mistakes had influenced our entire life. Not only our childhood but the grownup decisions we made as well, even our relationship. But of course, I’d been thinking the most about my parents. The realization that they’d never loved me as much as they should have, was almost as painful as Alison leaving me.

I hurried into the bathroom to spur cold water in my face to help me calm down a little, but it didn’t do much. I looked up at myself in the mirror, looking deep into my own eyes as water drops were rolling down on my skin, disappearing in my growing beard which I hadn’t bothered to shave since she’d left me.

During the previous weeks I reconsidered my entire childhood and basically my whole life. I always forced myself to believe that Mummy and Daddy did everything for me after all. Lighting the fire to be able to hide me, keeping me inside the walls, getting Greta for me… But now I started to realize that they did most of the things rather for themselves than for me. They got a nanny to do _their_ job, teaching me things that _t_ _hey_ should’ve taught me, sharing the kind of knowledge that _they_ should’ve shared with me… They got me a woman and warned me that I should respect and love her but they’d never told me how to do that. Not to try to kiss her and drag her into my bed right after showing myself to her for instance, since that’s what men do and I wasn’t a man. Well, I was but they refused to share that information with me, moreover, they insisted that I was still a little boy and there was something wrong with me for growing up.

I realized my hands had formed into fists and started to tremble from rage, no deep breathing was helping anymore. I was so mad at my parents, I felt nothing but hate towards them for not loving me for who I was, for burning me and pretending I didn’t exist, for not teaching me about life and for believing that I was nothing but a monster.

The very next moment I found my right fist in the middle of the mirror and shattering it into tiny pieces, a part of them falling into the sink as I punched into the glass.

I gasped and tried to wash the blood which was leaking everywhere on my hand.

A month. Almost a month had passed since she’d left. Besides the loneliness I had to bear and the emptiness in my soul she had left behind, I’d been doing surprisingly well on my own. I went out for a run or a walk every day to be able to handle my anger, I did housework, I drew thousands of pictures of her flawless face, I prepared the meals I’d learned from her… Desperation had started to appear only a few days ago when I realized I was about to run out of food. I used up most of the porridge, rice, pasta and cans so I needed to buy more very soon. Every single day I got a little more desperate, not knowing what on Earth I was supposed to do.

Mr. Nelson never showed up, of course… I was waiting for him the whole day he’d promised he would come and even the days after, but he never arrived. After a day of struggling mentally and emotionally, I decided to be brave and call him. Me, Brahms Heelshire, directly communicating with a stranger. It was a very scary decision for me to make but nevertheless… He never answered my call.

I heard my stomach growl after closing the tap, desperation spreading in me again. _What am I going to do? I could go to the shop, if I walked through the forest long enough, I’d reach the town center. But then what? I can’t just walk into the shop with those scars on my face._

I was staring at my reflection in a separated piece of the mirror glass. The reflection of my face looked just as broken in the destroyed mirror as I felt on the inside. I stroked my fingertips on the scars as I let out a desperate sigh.

_I definitely can’t leave the property like this. Not only I’d scare people to death, someone might recognize me. Gossips spread in this town like plague, it could be enough if someone connects the pieces about a man with burnt face whom nobody has ever seen in town before. No, that isn’t an option._

_I could call Aaron though… Alison gave his number to me so I could easily call him._

I let out a loud sigh again, knowing I wasn’t brave enough to reveal myself to him. I definitely needed a few more days of starvation for doing that.

I took out the first aid kit from the bathroom cupboard and treated the fresh cut on my hand. The same way Alison used to treat my stabbed belly. A strong, sudden pain flamed up in my chest again as her memory overflowed my mind. _The sweet, stubborn girl… The only person who has ever believed in me. What if she made a mistake though? What if I wasn’t grownup and strong enough to solve this situation on my own? What if I still needed her to take care of me?_

_“I told you she was going to leave you. Just like everyone else.”_

“Shut up!” I screamed at the sneaky voice in my head, the voice I hadn’t heard for a very long time.

I couldn’t help but to feel mad at Alison as well. I didn’t want to be angry with her, I understood that she had an amazing, free soul and needed to be with her family but somehow uncontrollable rage started to take me over. I felt the pain so intensely that she’d caused by not choosing me, it was impossible to ignore. _I_ wanted to be the one who could’ve filled the hole in her life, the one who she’d been desperately looking for… A part of me regretted that I didn’t simply force her to stay with me.

_“Exactly. You let her slip through your fingers, you fool. You could’ve tied her to your bed until she realized that she belonged with you.”_

I tried to silence the voice in my head but this time I wasn’t strong enough. My suppressed desire for capturing the precious girl rose the level of my guilt so high that I couldn’t bear it anymore.

I was passing my room in the hall when I saw it. The doll, my old doll-self sitting on the rocking chair peacefully, staring into nothingness. I walked next to the chair and took my doll image in my hands, lifted it up to my face and looked into its glazed eyes. Its eyes had the same light green color as mine but they looked… dead. That was the very first moment when I finally saw what Alison used to tell me all the time. It’s all fake. Nothing but a porcelain puppet with plastic eyeballs. Not like the real, flesh and blood me. What I saw in the broken mirror a few minutes ago… _That_ , that was real.

I felt something tickling my left cheek and when I reached there with my hand to wipe it away, I realized that it was a teardrop. It didn’t stay alone for much longer, it was followed by many other.

“Bloody hell.” I said loudly as I got scared of my own tears since I hadn’t seen them in a while. Suddenly I felt an incredibly strong urge to throw the doll onto the wall, shattering it into million porcelain pieces, the same way it had been shattered three months ago.

But in the very last moment I changed my mind and decided to spare the porcelain boy’s worthless life which had sucked all the love away from me in the past. I quickly seated it back on the rocking chair and walked into Alison’s room instead. I looked around in the spacious place, letting the pain of her absence run through my body.

The first thing I saw was the completed The Beauty and the Beast puzzle on the commode, although it still missed one piece almost in the middle which we’d never found. It had been there since that night we’d put it together with Alison. She didn’t have the heart to demolish the marvelous picture. But I had… I placed both of my hands on the solved puzzle and started to destroy it slowly, painfully, just as the emotions were destroying me. When I was done, I left the heap right there and walked to the giant bed.

I grabbed the pink bathrobe she’d left there, brought it close to my face and sniffed. A beautiful woman with long, brown hair and large, blue eyes appeared in my head, smiling at me as looking like a big, pink marshmallow in her soft robe.

A distant sound of a car rolling closer and closer pulled me out of my fantasy. I hurried to the window, still holding the bathrobe in my hand.

_Could it be…?_

I knew it was too good to be true, it couldn’t be _her_. It wasn’t even only one person, they were more. I leaned closer to the window to see my guests’ faces and my heart jumped hard when I realized who they were.


	56. Time to Wake Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Thank you for your patience, the next chapter is finally here. The length is like two and a third usual chapters I mostly write which is crazy but I just didn't want to break it into separate pieces. Since it's so long, I'm gonna take another few days break again until the next update to get my notes and everything together.
> 
> I love this chapter and I'd been waiting to finally be able to write it for a very long time. :D I hope you won't find it boring. It's about Alison and I think it's very very important in her character development. I'm so excited to share it with you so here it goes now. :)

I was lying on the bed in my old bedroom, hugging a pillow I got from my parents when I was baby. My head was resting where my feet were supposed to be and I was gazing at the ceiling with empty eyes, blinking only occasionally.

A month. A month had passed since I moved back to Finland to my parents’ house and being at home didn’t go as smoothly as I hoped. I found out almost immediately after my arrival that my family was pissed at me for some mysterious reason. I thought it was so unfair to blame me for ignoring them and not coming home earlier but at the same time expressing how much they didn’t need me anyway.

_“I don’t want to stay home to rest and don’t tell me what to do anyway!”_ I recalled Mia’s, my little sister’s furious voice. _“You disappear for weeks, don’t care about me anymore and when you finally call me, you tell me nothing. Like you’re living some kind of secret life in England that you don’t want to share with me anymore. Then you come home and after ignoring me for months you act like you know better what’s best for me than I do.”_

I told her that Mom asked me to come home and take care of her because I was the one who she listened to. Mia answered “not anymore”, seemingly incapable of letting go that I’d been keeping secrets from her. _“What happened to being not only sisters but best friends even if you’re miles away from home?”_ She argued.

My dad was sitting on the sofa, listening to our fight, saying that Mia was right and he knew this “hippy” lifestyle didn’t make a good effect on me.

My mom was the only one who didn’t express her anger towards me for not being the perfect little girl they wanted me to be, although her reaction was even worse than my sister’s and dad’s little speech. She told me that I should be more understanding and patient with Mia and Dad because they’d been through a lot of stress lately.

On the other hand, no one ever asked me what I’d been through, not that I could’ve told them the truth anyway. So I had no choice than choosing loneliness, deep silence being my loyal companion during the last month. Obviously everyone calmed down a little since my arrival and we tried to communicate, having family dinners together but small talks didn’t seem to relieve the tension in the house.

I let out a long sigh as I thought about the last few weeks. It was strange to move back to my hometown again and it still felt weird even after a month. I couldn’t explain exactly what was wrong, it just felt like something was missing and I simply couldn’t find my place here. I applied for some jobs and went to a few interviews but my enthusiasm had left me a long time ago. I finally had a call the previous day from a local social support organization, telling me that I got the job and would be able to start next week. The work was related to my social studies and although it was mainly administration and sitting in an office which I hated passionately, I couldn’t afford to be picky. I spent my last money for the plane ticket from England to Finland and I was completely broke. My plan was to collect some money so I could move away to somewhere else and start a new life. It became crystal clear for me that this town wasn’t the right place for me as I felt nothing but emptiness since I’d arrived.

I met some of my high school friends to socialize with people. It was nice but I obviously only shared stories about my life before the UK. I felt awful and incredibly lonely, not being able to pour my heart out to anyone. I called my best friend as well, the one who’d been living in France but I didn’t want to drag her into my dark lies, especially because it involved a murder. So there I was, lying on my bed by myself, lonely with my memories and surrounded by my family who seemingly didn’t need me at all. I’d never felt so useless in my entire life.

I took the curled up paper in my hand that was lying next to me on the bed and opened it, then held it over my head. It was the drawing Brahms had created about my face. I let out another deep sigh as I stroked my fingertips on my graphite-grey cheeks on the creation.

It was time to face the facts about the emptiness that Brahms’ absence caused in me. I had to admit that I missed him a lot. I tried to pretend I didn’t but even after four weeks, I’d been still thinking of him all the time. I spent an abnormal amount of time wondering how he might be doing, how his meeting with Mr. Nelson went, if he still lived in the manor and so on.

I did everything to forget about him, unsuccessfully. I didn’t want to ease the memories but at least getting rid of the emptiness and the inappropriate thoughts I’d been having about him constantly. For instance, I still had to force myself every single night not to daydream about those goodnight kisses. The realization almost broke me when I understood that it wasn’t just about _me_ kissing _him_ goodnight. It was just as much about the opposite, _him_ giving _me_ a kiss before going to bed and words couldn’t describe how much I missed that.

Of course, my family and the people I met noticed nothing from my inner struggles, except that I’d been unusually quiet. I was lucky to be able to hide how emotionally unstable I was on the inside, one second being perfectly able to justify the reasons I left but the next moment feeling like I left behind a kid and a lover at the same freaking time.

I knew I finally needed to move on but I had no idea how. In my darkest hours I let myself play with the thought of traveling back to England but I rebuked myself immediately, feeling guilty for considering such a thing. _I’m the one who chose to leave after all and I don’t even want to go back, do I?_

I walked outside to the living room, leaving the drawing on my bed. No one was at home so I lay down on the couch and turned the television on, hoping it would distract my thought from Brahms.

Obviously it was too much to ask…

There was a “Notebook” type of romantic movie running on the first channel which I quickly switched for another show since romance was the last genre I wanted to watch. I was staring at the screen emotionlessly, switching channels one by one but literally everything reminded me of him. It felt like the Universe was trying to play a game with me. A very cruel one.

_A travel documentary about the English countryside. A commercial of some new hair product designed for curly haired men to tame unruly locks. An interview with the creators of a new horror movie with a life-sized doll as the villain._

I even tried a kids’ channel but they were playing the classic version of The Beauty and the Beast.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I asked in an explicit tone.

“Language!” I heard my mom’s voice who just arrived home with a full grocery bag in her hands.

I turned off the TV while rolling my eyes heavily and got up to go help her unpack the groceries.

 

“Come on, I’ll cut the end of your hair. Just like I used to when you were a little girl.” Mom offered after we’d been finished in the kitchen. My hair definitely needed a refreshment but I refused to visit the hairdresser since I was broke as hell.

“Whatever.” I shrugged and sat down on a chair.

“Can’t you seem at least a little happier?” Mom asked after bringing out the big scissors from the bathroom. I rolled my eyes again and forced my lips into a fake smile which resembled more to an ugly grimace.

“That’s exactly what you used to do as a child when I asked you to smile at someone you didn’t like.” She chuckled as she started to cut my long brown hair a little shorter.

“Is there something wrong?” She asked. “You’ve been so quiet lately.”

“I just don’t have anything to say, Mom.” I answered calmly as I understood the real reason she wanted to cut my hair. She tried to find the opportunity to talk to me about my melancholic mood and zombie-like behavior.

“I’ve never seen you so unhappy, darling.” She said silently, continuing to treat my hair.

I let out a bitter, sarcastic chuckle.

“I did what you wanted me to do. I’m home, aren’t I? I hope at least you guys are happy.”

“Yes, Alison, that’s exactly what I wanted. To see my daughter suffer like this. That’s every mother’s dream.” She answered, the irony in her tone shocking me.

For a second I even felt impressed with her how perfectly she practiced sarcasm. Never had I ever heard my mother talking like this.

“I just wish you talked to me.” She added in a mumbling voice. “About things happened in England.”

“Well…” I started hesitantly, realizing that I had to tell her something unless she never lets the topic go. “I was a nanny as you already know. I did my job every day, that’s all. The house was in the middle of the woods so I didn’t meet too many people. I went out once with the grocery girl who I became friends with. She was very nice.”

“That’s great that you had a friend, honey. What’s her name?” She asked with interest in her voice.

“Rose.” I answered. “She’s really cool.”

“And this family you worked for… Did they treat you well?” Mom asked, her tone more worried this time.

“Yeah, they did.” I smiled almost unnoticeably. “The parents went on a long vacation so I was alone with the boy most of the time and… It was a great responsibility, you know?”

“I understand.” She agreed. “Sounds like you were his mom as well, besides being his nanny.”

“I think so. He relied on me so much.” I nodded. “He… he just didn’t get the love he needed from his parents.”

“I’m sure you did a great job with him.” Mom praised.

“I think I did. Although, he grew a lot and it was very new for the both of us, I guess…” I explained without telling her details of the story. _Insignificant details like little Brahmsy is a grown man…_

“You felt he didn’t need you that much anymore, didn’t you? I know how scary it is when your child’s growing up.” She asked as if she was able to see right through me. “Was he a playful little one?”

“You have no idea.” I chuckled. “He was giving me hard times with his mischief.”

“Playful little boys can be hard to handle. Trust me, I’m experienced. Not that it’s any different with playful little girls.” Mom chuckled as well.

“Was I a bad girl?” I asked suddenly.

“No, honey.” She smiled. “You were the best girl a parent can wish for. You still are, no matter what you do. Even if you leave us again, you’ll always be my little girl, I hope you know that.”

I unintentionally formed my lips into a grin, which wasn’t a grimace but an honest smile this time.

*

After another eventless day I decided to take a walk, hoping the fresh December air will clear my head a little. It wasn’t snowing but the sky was covered in grey clouds, giving an eerie atmosphere to the blank streets of my small hometown. I didn’t have an exact destination, I was just walking down to the river. It was the first week of December but everywhere I moved my gaze I saw Christmas decorations, reminding me how much I wasn’t in a holiday mood. I felt like my brain had trapped sometime in October.

After another ten minutes of walking I noticed the old, metal gate of the town cemetery close to the riverside. My heart made a tiny jump as I realized that was the place my feet had been taking me from the very beginning of my walk. The place where I hadn’t been in a year.

I swallowed as I walked through the gate, disappearing in the maze created by the different tombs and headstones. A thick, greyish fog was sitting on the right side of the cemetery, assuring a haunting, spooky sight in the small cemetery. I didn’t have to walk too much to find the grave I was looking for. The one with the white headstone with the name of “Daniel Hekki” on it.

I’d been standing there quietly, staring at the sign before I sat on the small wooden bench which was placed at the bottom of the grave.

“Sorry for not coming earlier.” I said to the headstone like my ten year old brother would’ve been standing right in front of me with a smile on his face, exactly the way I remembered him. No voice left my dry mouth after that though, so I kept sitting there silently, thinking about how unexpected life was sometimes.

I had no idea how long I’d been sitting there sank into my thoughts, not caring about my frozen feet and hands. I didn’t even notice that someone walked to the bench from behind. I only looked at the person when she sat down next to me. It was my sister, Mia.

“I brought hot tea if you want some.” She offered, taking a thermos out of her small backpack.

“Thank you.” I accepted, longing for something warm.

“How did you know I’m here?” I asked after drinking small sips from the hot tea, still fixating the headstone in front of us.

“Mom said you’d left hours ago and didn’t tell her where you were going. So I figured you’d come here.” She answered in a serious voice.

I only made a small, humming sound so we both kept staring at the tomb.

“I wish I had the opportunity to know him.” Mia said after a while, obviously talking about our brother. She was only a baby when Daniel died, therefore she didn’t have any memory of him.

“He adored you.” I smiled bitterly. “He was nagging Mom and Dad all the time so he could hold you more in his arms. He was a proud big brother to you.”

Mia let out a small chuckle but it faded away quickly as she spoke again.

“It’s just like he never existed. No one ever talks about him. Like his name would be some kind of a curse word.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” I agreed as I understood how she must’ve felt about Daniel. He made a strong influence on her whole life growing up, yet she didn’t even remember him and she obviously didn’t dare to ask any of us about her dead brother. “And it’s time to change that. He was our brother and just as much a part of our family as we are, so he deserves to be remembered and talked about. Ask me anything you’d like to know.”

“Just tell me some of your happy memories of him.” Mia said, her pretty face brightened up.

“Alright.” I nodded with a smile and started to recall my favorite childhood stories about our brother.

 

“You should’ve seen Dad’s face when he found us covered in mud.” I laughed, finishing sharing a memory about me and Daniel sneaking out to play in the rain. Both Mia and I were wiping the tears from our cheeks which had been constantly gathering in our eyes from laughter after one hour of recalling funny stories about my shared childhood with Daniel.

“He must’ve been a badass, playful little kid.” Mia noted with a wide grin.

“God, he was.” I giggled. “Just like Brahms.”

I hadn’t even noticed for a few seconds what I just said, how the last sentence slipped out of my mouth. I carefully looked at Mia.

“I wish I had the opportunity to get to know your little Brahmsy.” She reacted after some silence. “It sounds like he’s just as naughty as our brother was.”

“Yeah, he likes mischief. He tricked me a few times.” I slightly nodded, not being entirely sure that I wanted to talk about Brahms.

“I wasn’t brave enough to ask before but…” Mia started, her face embarrassed.

“What is it?”

“Does Brahms have some kind of… injury or some kind of deformity on him?” She blurted out.

“Where’d you get that?” I asked from surprise, my heart beating a little faster.

“Well, you mentioned he was very insecure about his face. When I asked you on the phone why he was too shy to play with other kids. So I wondered if there was something different about his face.”

“Oh…” I stuttered, totally forgetting about that conversation I had with Mia on the phone. “Yes, he got burnt on the right side of his face and he has these deep scars…”

“Poor kid.” Mia said with compassion in her tone but she became quiet for a moment when she realized something. “Just like…?”

“Yes.” I broke her sentence. “He was in a fire accident just like Daniel. But he survived.”

Mia frowned and we both sank into silence for a few minutes after that. After a while I started to feel how exhausted and desperate I was from keeping those secrets only for myself.  Desperate to pour my soul out to someone, anyone basically, even if I knew that I shouldn’t.

“Mia… I want to tell you so much about England. But I just can’t.” I said to her, my voice shaky. “I’m so sorry for keeping secrets and shouting you out.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything, Alison.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry I acted like a drama queen. I regret treating you that way, you didn’t deserve that. Probably you had your reasons not to tell me your secrets.”

I hesitated a little before speaking again.

“I want to tell someone. It’s killing me.” I told her. “But I know I shouldn’t. You’re just a kid.”

I obviously didn’t mean to offend her but she I saw her sniff her nose grumpily.

“I might be young but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid.” She said, her voice still defiant. “Is it about a guy?”

I answered with a nod, feeling my cheeks heating up right away.

“Are you in any kind of trouble?” Mia frowned.

“No, I’m not.” I answered. “ _He_ might be though...”

“But who’s _he_? Did you have a boyfriend in England?”

“More like a very close friend…” I said, knowing I was walking on thin ice. “He _was_ in big trouble. I managed to help him and sort things out but I don’t know... I just have a bad feeling I’ve been trying to ignore but… It doesn’t go away. Maybe I left him on his own too soon...”

“What kind of trouble was he in?” My little sister asked carefully.

“I can’t tell you all.” I said. “But what I can tell you is that he had mental issues. Or something like that… He’s mostly fine now but the situation’s very complicated.”

“Is it some serious mental illness that he has?” She asked and I sensed worry in her tone.

“No, it isn’t an illness. I think it’s due to the fact that he didn’t get much love when he was a child. Or even later in his life. He...” I murmured, examining the words carefully so I wouldn’t give away too much. “He was sort of locked in the house for his whole life so he’s very shy and… I was the first person he talked to after a very long time being separated from the world.”

Mia didn’t say anything for a while, wrinkles appeared on her forehead while she was visibly thinking about something.

“Interesting.” She said suddenly. “These are almost the same things you told me about Brahms.”

I pulled a terrified face at her from surprise as I recalled our conversations on the phone and realized that Mia was right. I indeed told her those things about the “child” I was taking care of.

“Alison…” She started, her eyes widening from the spark of realization after she’d seen my guilty face. “How old is the little Brahms you were taking care of?”

“He’s… not that little.” I stammered in an embarrassed voice before blurting out his real age. “Thirty-three.”

Mia froze completely, her mouth partly opened.

“You were a grownup guy’s nanny?” She asked, summarizing the facts in one sentence.

“Nobody knows, Mia. Only you.” I added so she would understand the heaviness of my secret. But my sister was smart and I knew that even if she was so young, she was just as good with keeping secrets as I was.

“Jeez, Alison…” She blurted out and after that we were staring at the tomb in front of us in silence.

“You can trust me.” Mia said finally. “I’m from a liberal-minded generation, I don’t judge, okay? I trust you and I’m sure you knew what you were doing.”

I let out a relieved sigh.

“I know it sounds incredibly odd but he’s kind of cool.” I explained. “He’s a great guy who was a victim of his parents’ negligence and selfishness. Although, I really can’t tell you more of the backstory, I’m so sorry. It’s for everyone’s sake.”

“Okay, I won’t ask then.” She nodded, adjusting to the new information surprisingly quickly. “It’s kinda shocking but I have to admit, I figured you had some kind of troubled guy when you didn’t talk to me. I’m actually happy he isn’t a drug dealer or a gang member or something because honestly, that was what I started to think...”

“Thanks for the assumption.” I grimaced. I knew that Brahms could be dangerous as well but he wasn’t as bad as Mia imagined my secret friend.

“Do you have feelings for him?” My heart jumped from her unexpected question.

“You know I don’t do romance.” I tried to avoid the straight answer.

“That’s not what I asked.” She insisted.

“I miss him a lot.” I said. “I thought about going back but I can’t give upon my life for another person.”

“What life?” Mia asked and she wasn’t joking, her face remained serious. And she was right. I didn’t have a life here, at least not the kind that made me happy.

I let out a frustrated sigh.

“I believed I’d forget about him at least a little if I come home. I hoped I would. But a month has passed and… You have no idea how much I still miss his hugs… and his kisses.”

“Whoa… His kisses?” Mia chuckled, making me pull an embarrassed face at her. “Did you sleep with the secret guy you were taking care of? That’s so wrong but so hot at the same time. Was he a virgin?”

“For Heaven’s sake, Mia!” I slightly shook my head, feeling that my cheeks were pulsating from heat. “No, I didn’t sleep with him.”

“Why not?” She giggled. “You’re grownups. Well, Brahms might be like a teenager if he didn’t know anyone before you but still… You could’ve taught him.”

“I can’t believe I’m getting relationship advice from a seventeen year old.” I rolled my eyes.

“But seriously… He’s thirty-three and he’s never… God, he must crave to be touched by a woman.”

“Mia…”

“Okay, okay, I stop.” She giggled. “Wow… You’re even braver than I thought you were. I mean, having a secret thing with a secret man in the middle of the woods… It’s so badass.”

“Or stupid.” I shrugged resignedly.

Mia looked at me.

“Love is never stupid.” She said, her face serious.

Her last sentence crept into my mind stopping me from saying anything after that.

“Brahms would be very lucky to have you back on his side.” Mia told me. “But you need to feel lucky to have him as well. That’s how it should work. You’re right, you can’t just give upon yourself and run to help people every time they need you. Like you did for me...”

I looked at her, now she was the one looking guilty.

“I know it’s my fault you left him. If I didn’t get sick and make drama about you keeping secrets from me…”

“It wasn’t your fault, Mia.” I said. “I left because I got scared of the feelings I started to have for him and the secrets his family might hide. It was all too much.... Plus, he said that he didn’t need me anymore anyway so it was okay for me to leave. I don’t know, I was very confused so I left…”

“Okay…” Mia mumbled. “But someone has to tell you the truth finally so you can wake up. You tend to become a martyr sometimes, Alison. Not the bitchy one, but the one who genuinely thinks that the world would crumble if you placed yourself first for once. I’m sure that Brahms told you he didn’t need you because he wanted you to be with him for yourself as well, not only for him. But for your own happiness. He wanted you to be happy with him.”

I was staring at her with huge eyes, as if she had slapped me in the face.

“Look, I’m not saying you need to get married and be with him forever. I’m just saying, maybe you should consider your own needs after all this time of suppressing yourself. You need to feel satisfied with your own life, you deserve it. It’s not okay that you try to save everyone but yourself. I know you needed to do that since Dani died but it’s time to wake up now. So… Did you feel lucky to have Brahms as well? That’s the question you have to ask from yourself.”

_Wow. Just wow._

I’d always been the smart one most of the time but there was clearly one particular side of the world I could never understood. Romantic relationships. Romance had everything I was scared of and I found too twisted. Being vulnerable emotionally and physically in front of another person, incapacity of logical thinking, the cheesiness of it… I understood human reactions pretty well except romantic ones.

I honestly believed Brahms simply didn’t need me anymore. I never thought about he just wanted me to be happy with him for my own good as well. _“I don’t need you, I want you.”_ He even told me it but I was too dumb to understand what he meant.

My sister might have been young but she was still smarter in these kind of things than I was.

“Yes.” I answered after a while. “I felt lucky to have him. He made me feel special. I want to go back for myself as well. I want to figure out what’s this thing between us.”

That was the moment when I finally said it loud that I indeed wanted to go back to Brahms. And I knew that was what I genuinely wanted because even admitting it to someone woke up the sleeping butterflies in my belly, filling the emptiness of my soul.

My enthusiasm faded though immediately when I reminded myself that I was simply too broke to travel back to the UK.

“But I can’t go back anyway.” I told Mia in a disappointed voice. “I don’t have money for the plane ticket. I spent it all to be able to travel home.”

“I can help you out.” My sister offered.

“There’s no way I’d accept that.” I protested.

“Well, I knew you’d say that, so…” She started with a playful smile as she pulled some kind of paper out of her backpack and handed it to me.

I took it to check what it was and my heart missed a beat from surprise. I couldn’t believe she did it for me. It was a plane ticket to the UK.

“You leave on Tuesday so you have two days to say your goodbyes to this gorgeous town of ours...” She said jokingly but I grabbed and hugged her close to me, not letting her finish her sentence.

“Thank you.” I mumbled.

“It’s my apology gift.” She nodded her blonde head after I let her go from my cuddle. “And by the way. There’s already a good girl here so you can go back and live your weirdo badass life, freak.”

“Shut up.” I laughed and so she laughed with me.

*

It was Tuesday morning and I was getting ready for leaving to the bus station. I had to travel quite a bit to reach the airport in Helsinki where my flight departed. My mom and my sister wanted to drive me to the station so they were waiting for me in the car.

My dad said a quick goodbye after helping me putting my suitcase into the trunk and we’d walked back into the house. I watched him sitting at the kitchen table, his face disappointed as always when looking at me. I took my jacket and my hat, getting ready to leave but my heart was racing as I felt that a long hidden sentence desperately wanted to leave my mouth. I turned around to face my father one more last time.

“It’s not my fault that he died, Dad.” I said firmly.

He froze in the moment, his eyes widened as my words hit him unexpectedly.

“I can’t imagine how horrifying it must be to lose a child.” I continued. “But you have two girls who are still here and you need to take care of. You can’t be mad at me forever because I’m trying to find my happiness.”

He looked away from my face and started to fixate the kitchen table with glazed eyes. I figured he didn’t want to say anything to me and it was probably for the best so I picked up my backpack and walked outside. But before I could’ve closed the door behind me, I heard his voice.

“Three.” He said.

I stopped but only tilted my head to look at him.

“Three girls.” He added in a mumbling voice but this time I heard a tiny touch of determination in it. “I have _three_ girls to take care of, little Ali.”

_Little Ali_. That was how he used to call me when I was a tiny child. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d called me like this.

I sent him a tiny smile and left the house finally.

 

I was sitting next to the window in the bus, watching the well-known landscape passing by. The bus slowly left behind my hometown, the familiar trees, hills and streets. I watched it with a determined smile on my face and let out a sigh but it wasn’t a frustrated one this time. It was relieved and hopeful. I had no idea how Brahms would react when he sees me or if I find him in the manor at all after I’d told him to move away and start a new life.

But I felt in my bones that I needed to try, I needed to go back, no matter what was waiting for me in the Heelshire manor.


	57. Surprise, Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone!
> 
> In this chapter there are a bunch of surprises waiting for Alison. Three major surprises, to be more specific and of course, her return to the Heelshire manor is nothing she expected it to be like... Enjoy! :)

I was sitting comfortably on the backseat of the black cab which was crossing the dark tree maze, getting closer to the Heelshire manor by every single turn. The early evening darkness and the snowfall convinced the driver to drive slowly and carefully on the tight, slippery road. I was anxiously playing with the zipper of my coat, my heart beating faster and faster from excitement while I was watching the snowflakes melting together into huge water drops on the car window.

“You’re returning to the Heelshire manor in a dreadful weather, Miss.” I heard the old, grey-haired driver’s voice. We’d been sitting in the car silently for the whole ride so he probably tried to initiate a conversation as he clearly remembered me from the drive when I left the manor a month ago.

“I could’ve chosen a nicer day to travel back, couldn’t I?” I chuckled in a friendly tone, trying to hide that the last thing I wanted was a small talk with a stranger. I was too nervous and my stomach felt unstable as I thought about the conditions that can wait for me when I step inside the house again. One of these possibilities was that the house would be empty if Brahms had already managed to move away.

“Did you have a nice holiday, Miss?” The old man asked and I had to concentrate to be able to understand his question due to his thick British accent.

“It was a busy one.” I answered. “I had a lot to take care at home.”

The driver let out a confused, even embarrassed chuckle.

“I apologies for the assumption, Miss but I was convinced you’d never come back.”

“Well, I wasn’t planning to but then… I changed my mind.” I answered with a nervous smile.

“Of course… After such a horrendous tragedy…”

“Tragedy?” I asked, the lump in my throat almost blocked my windpipe for a second. _What is he talking about? What the hell happened?_

I looked in the driver’s ice blue eyes in the rearview mirror as he looked at me with a confused face.

“Oh… I thought you knew…” He stuttered. “The Heelshires’ bodies were washed out to the coast not far from their summer house. The papers say they committed suicide… Their clothes pockets were full of heavy rocks and they walked into the waves to drown…”

“They killed themselves?” I asked in complete shock. I knew that Brahms’ parents had left for good but I never would’ve thought they killed themselves for real. Especially in such a terrifying way… _I mean, drowning themselves in the ocean? How awful that is… Wait… Does Brahms know about this?_

“I apologize Miss, you shouldn’t have heard it from me. I honestly believed they told you, although the bodies were found only a week ago.” The old man added politely. “An awful tragedy, Miss, I’m telling you… Those poor people couldn’t live with the loss of their son anymore.”

I only nodded. I was still in such a shock, imagining what Brahms must have felt if he heard about how his parents had killed themselves so I completely forgot to ask who the hell “they” were.

 

“Oh, I’m sure that’s going to be taken care of, Miss.” The driver explained when I handed the money over him after he’d put my suitcase inside the manor.

“I’d like to take care of it by myself this time.” I insisted so he accepted the payment, said goodbye and left with the old-fashioned, black cab.

I’d been standing on the porch for a few minutes until I found my courage and opened the enormous entrance door. The familiar creaking sound felt almost homelike after I’d heard it so many times during my stay in the autumn. It felt like the house would’ve tried to welcome me back with its unique creaking noise as I entered from the snowfall.

I placed my backpack next to my suitcase and got rid of my snowy coat, hat and wet boots. The small lamp next to the entrance door provided enough light for me to see properly in the lobby and I started to wonder if the taxi driver switched it on or it had been already like this, meaning the house wouldn’t have been empty then.

I swallowed hard, my heart beating in my throat as I was taking the steps one by one, going upstairs slowly.

“Brahms?” I asked a few times but I never got an answer.

I walked inside the doll’s room and there he was, lying in his bed. Except it wasn’t the “real” Brahms. It was the doll under the covers, only its dark hair and porcelain face exposed.

_“Okay, that’s weird.”_ I told myself as I realized that I’d already forgotten how creepy that doll looked.

I walked through the hall, calling for Brahms unsuccessfully. There was clearly no sign of the tall man and I started to get desperate and disappointed that he might’ve left for real. I found the mirror in the bathroom shattered what made me think that he’d lost control and punched into the glass from anger.

“Shit.” I said silently, assuming it wasn’t a good sign.

I hurried into my old bedroom, letting out a sigh from surprise when I noted it was untouched, seemingly everything stayed as I’d left it. The few clothes I hadn’t taken with me to Finland were exactly as I’d left them in the closet, such as my bed the same way I’d made it. There was something that caught my eyes though on the commode. The Beauty and the Beast puzzle was destroyed, the pieces mixed together in a heap where I’d placed the gorgeous picture after solving it with Brahms. So it was true, he was really mad at me for leaving, destroying our puzzle was a clear sign of it…

_But where the hell is he?_

“Brahms!” I shouted his name desperately and so loud it could be heard anywhere in the old building, hopefully even inside the walls.

I gasped a little after my echoing sound had faded in the room, only followed by silence, no Brahms appearing. I looked away in my room with the burning disappointment in my chest when I heard footsteps coming from the hall. My heart was pounding while I was waiting for the person to reach my opened door, every cell in my body hoping that Brahms would walk into my room.

But it wasn’t him.

The stranger stopped at the entry, glancing at me with shocked eyes like he was looking at a lunatic throwing a scene in the middle of the house.

“He’s in his room.” The unknown man around my age said with a sarcastic frown. “Sleeping.”

I frowned as well but then I realized he was talking about Brahms, the doll. He thought I was looking for the doll since I was screaming its name. I took a moment to have a look at the stranger. The guy looked like as if he just stepped out of a fancy magazine’s cover. He was well-dressed, wearing a navy double-breasted cardigan and khaki jeans. He was muscular but not too large, his face almost symmetrical with piercing greyish-blue eyes. Every single short, blonde hair on his head seemed to grow perfectly organized where it was supposed to grow, carefully fixed and seemingly fresh cut.

I had absolutely no clue what this model-like guy was doing in the manor in the middle of nowhere.

“What are you doing here?” I blurted out, crossing my arms in front of my body to express my mistrust towards him.

For my biggest surprise he let out a sarcastic chuckle and imitated my gestures with his arms, letting me know that he was just as suspicious towards me as the opposite way. “I live here.” He said.

“You live here?” I asked in an unbelievable voice. “Who the hell are you?”

I had a feeling he wasn’t gotten used to the insolent, immodest tone I was using against him, his frowning became more explicit, his eyebrow rose higher.

“I’m Max.” He told me. “It’s kind of my family’s house.”

“Oh… Are you a relative of the Heelshires?” I asked, trying to comprehend the new information.

“I’m their nephew.” He nodded, still staring at me like I was a fool for not understanding the situation.

But finally I started to realize who this man was.

“Are you Brahms’ cousin?” I asked from surprise as I finally put together the pieces. “The son of Mr. Heelshire’s brother?”

“Indeed. But how would you know about my family tree?” He frowned again.

“Um… Well… Malcolm told me. Before he left. He was the grocery man…” I stammered, hoping that he’d believe my lie. Brahms said that his other family members didn’t know about him being alive and I obviously didn’t want to give away his secret.

“Right. I heard the story.” The cousin answered ironically. “And you are…?”

“I’m Alison. Alison Heikki.” I walked towards him and reached my right hand. My gesture seemingly surprised him for a moment as he looked down at my hand but then he took it and shook it with a strong grip.

“Wait a second…” Suddenly a spark of interest appeared in his eyes, which I couldn’t decide were grey or blue. “Are you _that_ Alison?”

“I guess so…” I murmured, realizing my “fame” reached the other Heelshires as well.

“I’m Maximilian Heelshire but you can call me Max.” He kept shaking my hand. “Pleased to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you.” I nodded.

“I’m glad you’re back. My father tried to reach you several times last week.”

“Oh… I didn’t know it was important.” I stuttered as I remembered an unknown number calling me a few times but I’d never picked it up, desperately trying to separate myself from the outer world.

“No worries.” Max smiled. “You came back anyway, didn’t you? Are you planning to stay?”

“Stay?” His question surprised me. _Why would he want me to stay?_

“Yeah. As the doll’s… Brahms’ nanny.” He said, rolling his eyes as he mentioned the doll.

He let out a long sigh after noticing my confused face.

“My aunt and uncle ordered a long time ago that the doll needs a nanny to take care of it no matter what, in case of anything happening to them.” Max explained. “We heard the stories about the ex-nanny, what was her name…?”

“Greta.” I helped him out.

“Yes, Greta. And about you. We heard what happened, how she went mad and you took her place. But then my dad heard from the grocery girl that you’d left too. He wanted to convince you to come back but you didn’t answer his calls so he posted the job advertisement yesterday. I’ll let him know that it isn’t necessary anymore. Well, only if you’re willing to stay, of course.”

“I need a job so yeah, I take the offer.” I answered after some hesitation. I still didn’t know what happened to the real Brahms and if he was still here in the house or not. But either way, I needed to find out so needed to stay.

“My aunt and my uncle would be happy to know that Brahms is in good hands. The grocery girl said you’d been taking good care of it.” He praised with a serious face.

“Hey, I’m… I’m sorry for your loss.” I told him. “The driver told me what happened to your uncle and aunt.

“Thank you.” The blonde guy nodded with sadness in his eyes. “I let you unpack your things and you can have dinner with me if you want to. I bet you’re hungry.”

“I’m starving.” I smiled.

“Amazing. See you at dinner then.” He said and left, leaving me alone in my room.

I let out the longest sigh ever as I lay down on my old bed, trying to adjust to the changes I walked into. But even if I had thousands of unanswered questions, the one that bothered me the most is where the hell Brahms was. A painful twitch appeared in my stomach every time I wondered why he hadn’t showed up and why I couldn’t hear or see any sign of him being around. I knew I didn’t have any other choice than to sneak inside the walls and find his secret room but I also knew I had to wait until bedtime now that I had company who could easily notice me disappearing from my room. And that wasn’t something I wanted to risk.

 

I took a shower and walked downstairs to join Max for dinner. Max was a very curious guy and talkative as well, asking me a lot about my life which didn’t make me too happy since I didn’t enjoy talking about myself most of the time. But he was nice and a good partner for a conversation anyway so it went pretty well.

“So where are your parents staying?” I asked.

“Well it isn’t our home obviously, we have a house in the North. We only moved here to take care of some legal issues and family business after my relatives’ death. Father is on business trips as usual.” He said, lowering his head a little. “Mother’s here as well but… She’s sleeping already, in her room... Let’s just say for now that she has special needs and on several medications which make her sleepy a lot. You’ll meet her tomorrow and I’ll explain everything you need to know. But it’ll be only the three of us most of the time.”

I nodded, not wanting to force him to tell me more tonight. I was incredibly nervous about my plan to check Brahms’ room later in the night and I wasn’t able to think about anything else than to find out if he’d really left. I was desperate and secretly hoped that I would find something that would tell me where he’d gone in that scenario. And I was incredibly impatient.

 

Max’s room was on the second floor and Brahms’ and mine on the third, so I couldn’t be entire sure when he went to bed exactly. I knew I needed to wait for longer than I preferred. I was lying in my bed, my covers on me. I needed to focus hard not to fall asleep in the darkness but my high adrenaline levels helped me stay awake fortunately. After going to bed I still had some pale hope that Brahms would show up in my room but he didn’t so around half past midnight I knew it was time to act.

 

Getting through the secret passages was creepy as hell just as the last time I’d done it but I tried to ignore the oddness of the situation. My heart was pounding as I opened the secret door and walked into the hidden room.

Deep inside I was hoping that he’d be sleeping in his bed but he wasn’t there, the room was empty. Although two of his lamps were turned on so my hope didn’t leave me entirely even if I knew he could’ve left them like that before leaving. Brahms wasn’t there but my eyes were caught on something pink on his bed. I walked closer and I realized it was my pink bathrobe I’d left on my bed before leaving for Finland. But it wasn’t only the robe itself that I noticed. I unintentionally formed my lips into a grimace as I saw a seemingly home-made, woman-sized doll lying on the bed, wearing my bathrobe. The dummy didn’t have a face but it did have shoulder-length brown hair. I tried to swallow through my dry throat as I nervously stroked my fingers through my messy hair, trying to get something out of the creepy sight but then I suddenly had an odd feeling of someone was watching me. Not only watching but standing right behind me.

I felt my heart trying to break out of my chest as I turned around and faced Brahms. The real, living Brahms, standing in the middle of the room, staring at me. I needed a moment or two to realize the detail which gave me the impression of something not being right about him.

He was wearing a mask, the same porcelain mask that shattered into tiny pieces the night I found him struggling with the screwdriver.


	58. Another Dead Person

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An early update today... I can't even say anything else other than enjoy! :) (And please don't hate me too much. :D)

I was standing next to the small bed, everything I’d been planning to tell him leaked out of my brain so I was just staring at him in absolute shock. Brahms didn’t say anything either but he slowly moved towards me until he entered into my personal space, towering over me. He lowered his head so his mask touched the top of my hair and then he sniffed. I didn’t dare to move or say a word while he was smelling me, I was shaking like a weak leaf in heavy wind. The unexpected details in Brahms’ behavior were somehow so wrong, it felt like as if we traveled back in time, back to the first day we met, back to the beginnings. Like the last three months never would’ve happened and it scared the crap out of me. _What the hell happened to him?_

His familiar scent filled my nostrils, although I assumed he wasn’t the cleanest person in the house right now. He wasn’t as dirty as when I’d found him with the screwdriver and he didn’t smell too bad either but certainly forgot about hygiene at least a little. I also noticed that he seemed a bit thinner than I remembered.

I looked up at his masked face, searching for his eyes but before I could’ve found the green pair I was pushed and landed on my back on his bed. He might have lost some weight but his strength didn’t leave him at all.

I still couldn’t force a single word out of my throat as he crawled on top of me. The sight of the terrifying porcelain mask was something one would never want to face, sending a strong shiver down my spine. I saw the deep crack in the middle where it’d been broken into half, just like the tiny missing pieces throughout the whole mask. My gaze finally found his behind the creepy doll face. They were the same green eyes I loved and knew better than my own but the dark tint was something I’d long forgotten about.

“Brahms…” I finally said. “What’s going on with you? What happened?”

He didn’t say anything, still staring at me like he couldn’t fully believe I was real and indeed lying there under him. He carefully examined every detail of my face, only then rolled his gaze back onto mine.

“Why are you wearing this awful mask?” I asked, my voice weak.

He remained silent so I kept trying.

“Take it off, please.” I said. “It’s scaring me.”

I reached for the piece of porcelain but Brahms grabbed my hand in a rough motion and pushed it away from his face. I started to panic, it all seemed like he’d forgotten about everything I taught him and changed back into the old, disturbed Brahms he used to be, hiding inside the walls and covering his face with the mask.

But then all of a sudden he sat upon me, reached for the piece of porcelain and slowly took it off. He placed it onto the nightstand and leaned back on me, burying his face into the crook of my neck and took deep breaths. I rested my hands on his arms and let him smell me again, not entirely sure what I was supposed to do. I wanted to hug him close but I wasn’t convinced whether that was a wise choice after seeing his weird behavior.

When he was done, he looked me in the eyes again with the remained darkness.

“Why did you come back, Alison?” He asked in a quiet, sinister voice that gave me the shivers one more time. But at least he finally spoke…

I didn’t know what to say, all my courage was long gone and obviously nothing left from my well-prepared speech from before.

“Because I missed you.” I blurted out anyway.

Brahms slightly cocked his head to one side, his eyes softening a little which was completely contradictory with his next sentence.

“You ruined everything.” He said, his voice firm and full of bitterness.

“What do you mean I ruined everything?” I asked desperately.

“My relatives moved in and my aunt has been taking care of me… the doll, I mean. She loves me so much and even follows my old routine when she’s not sleeping… But guess what?”

I sensed anger in his voice as he talked.

“Thanks to you it’s nothing like before.” He continued, his eyes sparkling from anger. “The kind words, the bedtime stories, the goodnight kisses… Nothing feels the same. I tried to pretend living like I used to before you stepped into my life, following my old schedule inside the walls while my aunt loving the doll but it doesn’t work. It doesn’t feel like it used to, it doesn’t feel right. Nor enough. I’m not a little boy hiding behind the doll and I can’t pretend to live like this anymore. You ruined me, Alison.”

“No Brahms.” I told him firmly, finally understanding what his problem was. “It’s a good thing. Of course you don’t want to live like this because you finally feel that it isn’t normal. You’re a person, you don’t belong behind the walls. It’ll never be the same and that’s great.”

“Then tell me, what am I supposed to do?” He asked, his voice filled with rage again. “You came, changed everything so I would never be able to go back into my old life and then… you left. You left without telling me what to do with the changes. I was nothing but a little experiment to you, wasn’t I?”

“It isn’t true.” I argued.

“It is! You thought you were so clever you could understand a disturbed mind like mine and change it, believing you’re a damn Dr. Frankenstein. And when your experiment was complete you left it to figure out on its own how to live life as a brand new type of monster.”

Brahms’ words hit me hard, I expected nothing like this to happen. And the worst part was that his accusation was partly true and I understood why he felt this way.

“You’re right, Brahms.” I told him, stroking his scarred cheek and his short but rough beard with my hand to try to comfort him. “Although, I didn’t expect to… fall for the subject of my little experiment. But it happened. That’s why I came back.”

He frowned a little, his eyes confused, trying to decide if he should believe me or not. I used his silence to ask what had been bothering me since the beginning of our unpleasant conversation.

“What happened with Mr. Nelson? Didn’t he visit you?”

Brahms kept examining my face as he talked, his voice emotionless.

“He’s dead. Just like my parents.”

 “What?” I asked from surprise, my eyes widened.

Brahms let out the most bitter, most devastated chuckle I heard in my entire life.

“I’m so sorry about your parents, Brahms.” I told him. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you.”

Brahms’ gaze was filled with sadness and pain as he looked down at me.

“So you missed me, huh, pretty Ali?” He asked a little ironically as his hand found my cheek, cupping it gently.

“I tried to forget about you but I couldn’t.” I nodded as I poured my heart out to him. I was terrified of what he’d say and it felt like walking completely naked through the most crowded street, giving the chance to another person to abuse my vulnerability as he wished. “Then I realized I couldn’t forget about you because… I wanted to be here. With you.”

I could’ve sworn I saw a spark of joy brightening up in the pair of green eyes above me but it faded as quickly as it appeared.

“Well, it’s too late now.” Brahms said, his words like a sharp blade right into my chest.

“Don’t say that.” I told him but he shook my hand off his face.

“But it is the truth.” He added.

 “It’s never too late.” I told him and tried to sound convincing but my voice was simply desperate. “I’m sure we can figure something out. I don’t want you to live inside the walls like a ghost. You don’t belong here.”

“Where do I belong then?” He asked.

“To freedom. With me.” I answered, almost whispering.

I was sure for a moment he believed it as well that there was always hope to turn life around and change everything for good. But then defiance came back onto his face.

“Go back to your room, Alison.” He said in his deep voice. “Just do what my cousin and aunt tell you to do and don’t visit me here again. You know it’s dangerous for both of us. They cannot find out the truth.”

He let me go and I stood up from the bed, not knowing what else to do. I obviously wasn’t going to give upon him this time but it became clear to me that I needed to play along at least for a little.

“Well, okay then.” I mumbled, trying to hide my disappointment. “Goodnight, Brahms.”

When I was in the opening, ready to leave I heard his voice again.

“And don’t forget. I see everything.”

I had no idea why he warned me about the obvious fact that he was going to watch me through the walls but somehow it still made me anxious as I left the secret room behind.

 

Although I left a few tiny teardrops on my pillow before falling asleep, I promised myself that this time I wouldn’t go down without a fight. I wouldn’t let him give upon his life, the hard work we’d put into turning him into a man and for most importantly, I wouldn’t let him give upon us. So even if the rejection hurt like hell, I fell asleep determined.

 

I slept longer in the morning than I was supposed to, although Max didn’t tell me anything about my work schedule so I chose not to do my morning routine in a rush. When I opened the closet to pick a cardigan to wear over my black t-shirt, I found something strange on the bottom of the huge closet. It was a newspaper and a note on top of it. It certainly wasn’t there the night before so I picked them up to see what they were about. I threw the newspaper on my bed and opened the folded note. It was a message from Brahms which he must’ve placed there this morning through the secret opening from the walls. His handwriting was much prettier than most adults’ handwriting would be.

 

_“Good morning, pretty Ali._

_We’ve been receiving the local, weekly newspaper since my relatives moved in. Well, it is the first one we’ve got since they only moved in a week ago but I believe you should see it._

_B”_

 

The first thought that crossed my mind was whether we were going to communicate like this from now on, in stupid notes and letters. The idea of him never talking to me face to face again pissed me off more than anything. _He can’t be serious about this nonsense, can he?_

After I’d managed to swallow my anger, I sat on my bed to check the newspaper. I turned the pages, running my eyes through all he articles but I hadn’t found anything special. I started to believe that Brahms tried to mess with me when I turned to page eleven and a name in the text caught my eyes immediately.

 

_“Case of Phillip Nelson Closed as Suicide_

_Well-known solicitor, Phillip Nelson’s case had been officially closed as suicide by the local police department._

_Phillip Nelson was found dead in his apartment on the 15 th November, shot in the head. Police stated that the gun found next to the body was the one ended Nelson’s life and it indeed belonged to him. The department refused to share detailed information on the solicitor’s alcohol level, although it was submitted “high”, also admitted that he had a long history of alcohol problems._

_Police didn’t order further investigation, claiming that it was a tragic but obvious case of suicide but after the appeal of Nelson’s two daughters, a full investigation was executed. After three weeks due to the lack of evidence of murder, the police team disclosed the case as suicide._

_No other fingerprints were found on the weapon and no sign of struggle or break-in occurred, the police said.”_

 

I kept staring at the short article on page eleven, completely shocked.

_Mr. Nelson killed himself as well…_


	59. The "Other" Mrs. Heelshire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Here's the next chapter which I kind of like a lot. I have no idea why but I think it's a hilarious one with some darkness in it. Poor Alison... <3

_So that’s why Mr. Nelson never showed up to meet Brahms. Because he was already dead._

The papers said he had alcohol problems and it made me wonder if he committed suicide for the same reason the Heelshires did, because he couldn’t bear his guilty conscious anymore. It all would’ve made sense if I hadn’t talked to him on the phone before his death. He knew that Greta was fine, so was I. He said he wouldn’t break his promise he’d made to Mr. Heelshire about helping Brahms. He actually would’ve done something good after the horrible plan about Greta, why the hell did he kill himself then? Did he develop some sort of mental problems due to his alcoholic past? If so, why would his daughters convince the police team to do a full investigation?

The criminologist in me agreed with the police to close the case as suicide but the timing still bothered me. _I call and ask him to help Brahms and he kills himself a few days after. Then the Heelshires’ bodies are found. It might be just a coincidence but a really odd one…_

 

I went down to the kitchen to eat breakfast. I made a giant portion of porridge and left it in the pot, hoping Brahms would find it later if he comes out of the walls to search for food. He looked a little underweight so I was determined to feed him well, even if I had to do it secretly.

I had no idea where Max was but it was a big house so he could’ve been somewhere in his room or outside. He mentioned last night he needed to step out very often to deal with some business stuff.

I went back to my room after breakfast to unpack my things. The picture of the creepy dummy in Brahms’ bed popped up in my mind when I reminded myself where my favorite fluffy bathrobe was. I wasn’t surprised that he needed a human replacement to hug at night, although I forced my brain to stop taking the thought any further. It wasn’t something I wanted to picture in my head.

I almost finished organizing my clothes when I started to hear a strange hum coming in my room through the open door. First, I honestly believed I lost my mind but then I heard it again. It sounded like a woman’s hum, a silent, familiar melody.

I went out to the stairs. The sound was getting louder and I was sure now that it was a woman’s voice and she was humming Brahms’ Lullaby. I swallowed hard as I walked down the stairs to the second floor, following the eerie melody, ascertaining that it was the creepiest thing I’d ever experienced in my entire life.

I reached the last door on the second floor, the lullaby coming from behind it. The door was an inch open, my heart was pounding fiercely as I opened it wider. The place was another bedroom with old-fashioned but feminine, delicate details. I recognized the rocking chair in the middle, it was the same chair from Brahms’ room. The source of the soft hum was sitting on it, slightly rolling back and forth. I could only see the back of the woman’s hair which was short and grey and I immediately thought of Max’s allegedly “special” mother, the “other” Mrs. Heelshire.

I walked closer and the sight gave me the strongest chills it was possible to get. Mrs. Heelshire was staring into nothingness, fixating a spot on the wall with glazed eyes, meanwhile she was humming the lullaby. The Brahms doll was sitting in her lap and she was slowly brushing its shiny, dark hair.

I was wrong before. _This_ was the creepiest thing I’d ever experienced in my entire life.

“Mrs. Heelshire?” I asked, my voice shaky.

She didn’t react like she wasn’t able to hear, nor see me. I was about to call her name one more time when I heard a deep, male voice behind me.

“Alison?” It was Max’s voice as he entered the room, making me jump and even hiss a little.

“I’m sorry, I just heard a hum and I thought it must be her…” I tried to explain myself.

“It’s okay.” Max answered with a small smile and turned to his mother. “Mom… This is Alison, Brahms’ nanny.”

Mrs. Heelshire tilted her head and finally looked at me with wide, blue eyes. I sent her a careful smile but she didn’t render my gesture. She hugged the doll closer to her body like she was scared I would take it away from her.

“Alison had been taking care of Brahms for a while and she’s going to continue doing a delightful job with him.” Max explained to her mother, while Mrs. Heelshire was still staring at me with a suspicious look. Even if I knew she wasn’t related to Brahms’ mom, she still reminded me of the woman on the enormous painting in the staircase, probably because of the similarities of their clothing and hair.

“She wouldn’t hurt my favorite nephew, would she?” The “new” Mrs. Heelshire asked his son, while still looking directly at me. Her British accent was thick but clear, it reminded me of the way Brahms talked most of the time.

“Of course she wouldn’t hurt him, Mother. Alison will be good to him like always.” Max tried to calm her in a tender voice.

Mrs. Heelshire sent another last examining look towards me, then turned back to the wall and the doll, continuing to brush its hair.

 

“She has mental problems but I suppose you already figured it out on you own.” Max said, talking about his mom. We were sitting on the sofa in the living room, sharing two cups of mint tea. “She also has memory issues so often forgets things. She can take care of herself mostly, she does everything alone including her daily routine but… Most of the time she’s deep inside her head, getting lost in her own world, you know… Her doctor said she doesn’t need a caretaker to be with her every day, we just need to make sure she’s taking her medication and take her to the hospital for regular check-ups.”

“I see.” I nodded. I had tons of questions but I wasn’t brave enough to ask.

“Let’s talk about your job then.” Max changed topic quickly. “You’ll mostly take care of the doll like you did before and do housework. My father was very pleased with the condition of the house when we arrived. Well, except a few minor things but I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. We were honestly impressed how clean and organized you kept everything even if you’d been living here by yourself with no employee monitoring your work.”

I answered with an innocent smile, knowing I wasn’t quite by myself.

“So beside of giving the medicines to my mother and checking on her a few times a day, you’ll do the same as before, nothing complicated. And I honestly don’t care if you follow the rules and schedule my aunt and uncle used to be obsessed with. I mean, we both know it’s just a doll, it won’t get upset if you forgot to tell him a bedtime story.”

“You’re right.” I chuckled.

“Also, Mother is so fond of that doll, she likes to keep it by her side sometimes and when it happens you obviously don’t have to take it away from her, just do something else then.”

“Understood.” I answered with a nod.

“That’s all for now.” Max smiled at me, showing his perfect, sparkling white teeth. There was something incredibly attractive, almost irresistible in his grin which no doubt would make a lot of girl fall for him very quickly. And he obviously knew that.

“The bathroom mirror on the third floor will be fixed tomorrow by the way.” He added suddenly with a tiny, almost invisible playful twitch in his eyes.

_God, the broken mirror, I totally forgot about it…_

“If you’d organized some kind of hardcore goodbye party before leaving, I promise I won’t tell anyone.” Max teased with a playful smile.

“I’m so sorry about the mirror. I’ll pay for it.” I said with an embarrassed face as I realized I had to assume full responsibility for Brahms’ action as if I was the one who’d broken it.

“There’s no need for that, Alison. It’s just a mirror, don’t worry about it, it’ll be fixed tomorrow.” Max insisted.

“Thank you.” I said, my cheeks pink even if I the guilty one in that story.

*

I was doing some cleaning in my bedroom while listening to music, using earphones. I sank into my thoughts about the sudden changes in my life and the unexpected new order that was waiting for me in the Heelshire manor. There was at least one positive side of the story though. I finally had an actual job for actual money.

I moved a little back from the shelf I finished cleaning when I bumped into something from behind. I let out a scream and removed the earphones from my ears in a quick, desperate motion.

But it was only Brahms who I’d bumped into. He was standing now in front of me, looking terrified in the door’s direction but no footsteps were to be heard from the hall. There was nobody around to hear my scream.

“Wow… I can’t believe you’re honoring me with a visit, Sire.” I told him in a sarcastic tone after I’d manage to calm my racing heart.

Brahms cocked his head, then looked down at me, ignoring my immodest greeting.

“I brought back your robe. I thought you might need it back.” He pointed to the pink, fluffy thing on my bed which I’d last seen on the creepy doll-woman in Brahms’ lair.

“That’s very generous of you.” I teased. “What about your girlfriend? Doesn’t she need it anymore?”

Brahms’ eyes narrowed immediately when he understood I was talking about the dummy he’d been keeping in his bed. I knew that my sharp tongue wouldn’t do any good for me, of course I knew it. But I couldn’t demand it to stop, my sarcasm was a natural defensive reaction to getting rejected by him the previous night.

He grabbed my left wrist in a tight grip and pulled me close to him, his green eyes lightening from anger.

“At least she doesn’t talk back all the time.” He growled in my face.

“Sounds cool.” I said and couldn’t stop with the brave comebacks. “Can you make a dummy for me as well? I’d love to have a man who does what I tell him without talking back all the time.”

“You just arrived and you’re already a cheeky, bad girl…” Brahms said between his gritted teeth while playing with my hair in a sinister way. “Finland certainly didn’t do any good for you.”

“It’s not about Finland.” I shook my head. “It’s about finding you hiding in the walls again.”

Brahms didn’t say anything so I continued.

“Although, I see you made some effort since yesterday. Clean clothes and… where’s the beard gone?” I teased him with a satisfied grin, examining his freshly shaved baby face.

“What do you want me to do, Alison?” Brahms asked but he couldn’t hide the pale pink color of his unharmed cheek. “I can’t walk up and down in the house like when we were alone.”

“I want you to stop ignoring me.” I said firmly, looking straight into the light green eyes I’d been missing so much.

“But I haven’t even started yet.” He answered in a wondering voice, pissing me off real bad this time but luckily he continued. “Seriously, what do you want me to do now that my cousin and aunt live here as well?”

“I don’t know, I want you to do things with me we used to do together. Playing and stuff like that.” I answered even if I knew he was right about the difficulty of our situation.

“Do you want me to play board games with you during the night secretly?” Brahms chuckled.

I frowned as I realized how stupid indeed the idea sounded.

“We can still play together...” He said suddenly with a shady, alarming grin. I didn’t need much time to figure out what he meant.

“No, no way. I won’t do it.” I protested, clenching my lips in anger.

“Yes, you will.” Brahms stroked my face with the satisfied smile on his face. “You heard my cousin. Your job is to take care of the doll.”

I was sure my entire head became red from rage when he let me go and withdrew in the direction of the closet. I wanted to stomp hysterically as a little drama queen who didn’t get ice cream before dinner but I just followed Brahms into the closet with explicit steps.

“Where do you think you’re going?! I’m not done with you.” I told him, trying not to raise my voice too much.

“Don’t worry, pretty Ali, I’ll be around in the walls. Have fun with the doll.” He said in a teasing tone as he disappeared in the secret passage.

I slammed the hidden door after him so harshly the whole wall trembled for a few seconds.

I walked back to the bed and sat down, crossing my arms in front of my chest grumpily. He knew exactly how much I hated the stupid doll. I hated it because it was a replacement for Brahms and it simply wasn’t good for his wellbeing. I refused to take care of him through the doll from the very first moment from three month ago and I couldn’t believe after all this time and all the struggles we’d been through to get him feel loved he forced me to communicate with him through a doll while he’d be hiding in the walls again. It was so much against my beliefs and it pissed me off more than anything else would have.

I took the pink robe in my hands after I’d been able to calm down a little. It didn’t seem dirty and one childish part of me actually considered not to wash it because it smelled like _him._ I hugged the soft material as I thought about the dummy I’d seen in Brahms’ bed. It might have been creepy, repulsive and ridiculous for me but it was a real comfort for someone who didn’t have the chance to feel the hugs and touches of another human being. It wasn’t creepy, repulsive or ridiculous. It was heartbreaking.

I stood up and walked to the commode, ripping a page out of my notebook and took a pen in my hand.

_“Sorry for making fun of your doll.”_

I rolled my eyes, took a deep breath and forced myself to write another sentence on the paper.

_“I’m probably just jealous of her.”_

I let out a sigh, still not believing I’d written down something like that. I hurried back into the closet, opened the secret door and placed the note on the ground inside the passage. Then closed the opening in a quick motion before I’d be able to change my mind.

I walked back to the bed then, grabbed the bathrobe and took it down to the laundry room.


	60. Still Playful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> A long chapter is here. It was originally divided into two with some other stuff together but I decided not to do that. I hope you like it. Enjoy! :)

I started to understand what Greta must’ve felt. After a few days the feeling of someone watching me was almost unbearable. The note with my apology I’d left for Brahms in the secret passage disappeared but he’d never showed up since then. The only thing I sensed from his presence was the pair of curious eyes on me the whole day from the moment I woke up until I went to bed, sometimes even during the night. I didn’t have any privacy at all, only in the bathroom after I’d examined every inch of it, making sure there wasn’t any secret opening in there. I knew Brahms probably didn’t watch me every moment of the day but that was the worst part of it. After two days I became so paranoid, it didn’t matter anymore. Anywhere I went, anything I did I felt like being followed by a ghostly shadow.

 I knew I couldn’t give up but during my worst moments I summarized my current situation and I was genuinely shocked how bad it looked. I was living in a spooky mansion with my boss, a man who lived secretly inside the walls, a mentally ill old lady and a creepy doll. I wished I was into writing because if I wrote a book about my current life, it would’ve made a kickass awesome novel.

Not seeing Brahms but feeling his gaze on me was one thing. But when he left tiny notes for me, well, that was the worst. In his little annoying letters he asked me to read certain books or stories for the doll and no words could describe how passionately I hated to be bossed around by him.

I knew it was a complete deadlock kind of situation because we needed to keep Brahms’ presence as a secret but his ignorance was quite shocking. Especially after I basically told him that I wanted to be with him which wasn’t something I usually told guys. The dark, sneaky voice in my head couldn’t stop saying that Brahms was only playing with me as a punishment for leaving him and I needed an incredible effort to silence the dark thought and not give up. I’d been lonely during the month I’d spent in Finland and now I was just as lonely again.

Sometimes I was so pissed that I lost it a little, for instance during telling a bedtime story for the doll and kissing him goodnight. Then I made ugly grimaces and grumpy faces at the wall, knowing Brahms was watching. I knew I acted childish but when I got nothing but ignorance as reaction I seriously needed to practice deep breathing techniques I learned at yoga class to be able calm myself down.

Music was the only thing that kept me happy. I loved that most of the time I was completely free to let my voice free in the manor which I’d never been in my entire life before. Max was out a lot and Mrs. Heelshire assured me she enjoyed my singing. My new free time activity was improvising and composing silly little songs which then I performed to the doll, knowing the walls had not only eyes but great ears as well. My favorite pieces were “Don’t you think you can ignore me forever” and “I don’t want to see more notes”.

Long story short, I was about to lose my mind.

 

I found a note in my closet again after having lunch one day. It said _“Come, play with me, pretty Ali!”_

I let out a loud, annoyed chuckle as I opened the secret door.

“Come out and show yourself if you want me to play with you!” I screamed and crumpled the note into a tiny ball then threw it into the passage.

Brahms’ enthusiasm didn’t fade that easily though. The whole afternoon he was following me on the other side of the walls but this time he made his presence quite clear. I not only heard creaking and footsteps the same direction I walked but sometimes also a firm scraping sound from the inside of the walls. He probably had something in his hand, maybe a metal stick or something that he stroked slowly on the wall, following me everywhere. It was scary but after a while I found it rather annoying that Brahms actually attempted to play some sort of cat and mouse game while we were separated by the walls.

“If you want to play, come out and take what you want face to face.” I said into the air loudly after forcing a calm but fake smile on my face.

I managed to ignore the scraping sound and fortunately he stopped after a while.

I was carrying a laundry basket full of freshly washed clothes through the hall on the third floor, enjoying the peaceful silence. I almost forgot about the happenings from earlier when all of a sudden something heavy was thrown into the wall I was passing by.

I jumped harshly and a loud scream escaped my throat, the basked almost fell from my hands. All I heard after was Brahms’ low toned chuckle echoing from behind the wall.

“You little…” I said between my teeth as I hurried to the wall after throwing away the laundry basket and slapped the same spot with my palm where I assumed the object had reached it. “I won’t play with you until you come out! You hear me?!”

I heard Brahms let out another chuckle as he slowly started to run. I follow his footsteps with burning rage, hitting the wall here and there, screaming at him.

“You’re the worst boy ever! You’re not even a child anymore, you don’t get to behave like one!”

I slapped the wall angrily one last time after reaching the end of the hall.

I’d been sitting on the floor with a grumpy face, hugging my knees for a while. I remembered the times when I’d punished Brahms and he’d basically gotten grounded by me. _“Amazing times…”_ I sighed longingly, knowing that I couldn’t do the same anymore because he was a grownup even if he didn’t act like one right now. If I tried to use punishment on him, he’d just probably laugh at me.

*

_I’m lying in my bed. I turn to my other side and I face the doll. He’s lying next to me, staring at me with its glazed, plastic eyes. I don’t freak out, nor I feel fear, I only feel calm and even… butterflies in the stomach? I stroke the porcelain face slowly with my fingertips, amazed by how sparkly it looks in the moonlight. I’ve never noticed before how beautiful the porcelain boy’s face is. I keep playing with the hem of its old-fashioned, grey cardigan, my gaze wondering on the flawless, shiny face. A desire is burning under my skin to kiss the porcelain lips so I hug the doll tight and gently press my lips onto its cold ones._

_I keep kissing him and he kisses me back. But it isn’t the doll anymore. It’s a living, flesh and blood man, resembling to the doll with his light eyes, dark hair and the same grey cardigan._

_“Brahms…?” I ask but he hushes me and presses his hot lips against mine. And I let him._

_We’re kissing passionately. He’s rough and dominating, all of a sudden ripping all my clothes off. I sigh loudly as I feel his hands and lips everywhere on my bare skin. He kisses me on my belly, then lower and lower…_

The alarm of my phone woke me up. I turned it off irritably and lay back on my pillow, gasping. I rubbed my eyes, trying to get out of under the effect of the intense, hot dream. My clothes were sweaty but it was nothing compare to the physical and mental frustration I felt. I wished my dream didn’t end uncomplete. My frustration was strong and at least I could’ve had a good time while sleeping. It wasn’t the first heated dream I had about Brahms lately but it certainly seemed the most real, hence the most painful.

I thought about touching myself but the moment I slipped my hand under the heavy covers I reminded myself that I easily could be watched right now and the paranoid, sobering thought destroyed my pleasure in a second. Not that Brahms hadn’t seen me fondling myself once already but that was a completely different situation.

So I just let out a long, frustrated sigh and got up, walking to the bathroom to pour cold water in my face.

*

Later that day after Rose’s grocery delivery I walked to the Victorian style gate to empty the mailbox. There was a package in there with my name on it waiting for me, it was so big it barely fitted into the large mailbox. I ran back to the house with it, right into my room with an excited grin on my face.

It was from my close friend, Barbara who lived in France and with whom I spent the summer working in a French hostel. She mentioned she was going to send me a package before Christmas but it was way bigger than I expected. The little letter inside made me smile like a fool and she even his a few photograph in it due to my “retreat from social media” as she called my current internet-free lifestyle.

My friend knew how broke I’d been before and the last thing I would buy for myself were girly things so it wasn’t a surprise that she sent a bunch of makeup, nail polishes and other tiny, pretty things. Other than that, I found two dresses in the package. One of them was a beautiful white, loose one, the other one a tight black with lacy details. _“For embracing both your angelic and demonic side.”_ Barbara’s note said. I loved them, both of the dresses were gorgeous. I decided to call her later to say thank you for her present.

 

In the evening after taking a shower I tried the sexy, black dress on. I hadn’t wore a dress like that since forever so the feeling was quite unusual. I stepped in front of the huge mirror in the corner of my bedroom and moved my blue gaze up and down on my reflection while my brain cells were rumbling wildly.

Brahms didn’t show up today either, nor he left a note for me. My frustration was still at the same high level and I started to believe that he was just as annoyed with me as I was with him. I let out a sigh, not knowing how long I could take his behavior anymore.

I slowly stroked my hand on my curves over the short black dress. It wasn’t too tight but the material was soft and thin… I caught myself wondering how Brahms’ touch would feel through the dress. _Would he like me in it?_

I thought about that several times we’d ended up or could’ve ended up in bed to share a night of passion with each other. I stopped him so many times before and I started to reconsider the validity of my choices. _Maybe I should’ve slept with him a long time ago, maybe then we wouldn’t be so frustrated with each other now. I might’ve been wrong for making a much bigger deal out of connecting with him on a physical level than I should have. After all, it would’ve been nothing but the most natural thing to do. All those suppressions because of my stupid vulnerability issues…_

I looked into my round-shaped, blue eyes.

_Maybe that’s what we both need. A nice, rough sex._

I imagined what would happen if I seduced Brahms. I let myself play with the thought of sneaking into his lair one night, wearing nothing but the fluffy bathrobe he loved so much. Or this dress… He told me not to visit him in his secret room but who cares?

I automatically bit my lower lip as I imagined what might happen if I really did it, the things he’d do to me… He’d rip the robe or the dress off my body in a heartbeat, just like in my dream…

_Or I’d totally scare him away._ My insecure side kicked in almost immediately. _He’s a virgin, it’d be his first time so he might not appreciate to be attacked like that._

I saw myself frown in the mirror. I knew I was too shy to make the first move anyway.

_By the way, since when do I have such a dirty mind? Do I really want to get fucked in that creepy lair with the gross dummy lying next to me?_

I took a deep breath while examining myself in the mirror. _This is ridiculous. I won’t seduce Brahms or anyone._

I tried to unzip the dress but I didn’t succeed, I barely reached it and the movement was way harder than zipping it. I’d been trying clumsily for a while, getting more and more annoyed when I finally managed to unzip the material. I pulled the dress up and removed it but my movement was so explicit that the black beauty flew across my bed and fell down on the floor.

I angrily climbed on the bed, trying to reach the dress while I was basically kneeing there naked, only wearing a thong.

“Got you!” I told the naughty dress and placed it on the bed carefully.

But as I stepped back on the floor, I saw Brahms standing in the room at the closet, staring at me motionlessly, his eyes shocked, his mouth partly open.

I jumped and screamed for the third time in one week. I automatically covered my bare chest with my arms, looking at Brahms with wide, scared eyes. I realized he saw me directly from behind as I’d been kneeing on the bed with slightly opened legs and a half-naked butt.

We’d been standing in the same position for a while, staring at each other without saying a word. Brahms’ green gaze wondered up and down on my body, the surprised look in his eyes turning into something stronger which I could only describe as yearning. I saw his Adam’s apple moving up and down as he swallowed, then I heard his breathing become a little heavier. The things I’d been fantasizing only a few minutes before popped into my mind, which turned my cheeks into a hot mess.

I knew I would never make the first move but the burning itch under my skin warned me if Brahms made it, I wouldn’t be able to reject him this time even if a tiny part of me was still scared of losing control.

_Come on, do something! Push me on the bed, Brahms, just like you did in my dreams!_

Brahms finally started to take small, slow steps towards me, towering over me by the next second. He rolled his eyes down on my body for one last time before looking deep into my blue gaze. I felt the edge of the bed pressed against the back of my knees, only a little push and I’d land on the soft covers. My heart was beating in my throat from excitement and because I had no idea what was going to happen. It was all up to him.

I sensed that Brahms was hesitating, couldn’t decide what to do. I saw him swallow one more time and all of a sudden he took off his own green cardigan and wrapped it around my naked body, covering my bare breasts. He looked down at me in a timid way, seemingly couldn’t decide if he’d made the right choice or not.

But it didn’t matter anymore since he did make his choice. After a hint of disappointment I couldn’t help myself and sent a small but honest smile to the polite, shy man in front of me. The balancing between two extremes – his raw instincts and politeness – made me like him even more.

“Thank you.” I mumbled.

Brahms answered with a small nod and a pink cheek.

I wanted to ask he’d been doing in my room but then I heard footsteps from the hall, approaching to the room. We’d kept looking at each other for another two seconds before Brahms walked into the closet and disappeared in it.

“Alison, are you in there?” Max asked while knocking on the door.

“Yes!” I answered, still a little confused. “I’m changing.”

I quickly put on Brahms’ green cardigan the way it was supposed to be wore and buttoned it. It functioned as an oversized sweater on me, reaching almost my knees. It covered my body perfectly, except the deep V-shaped neck, leaving exposed the skin between my breasts.

I hurried to the door and opened it. Max had a quick look on my body, his eyes slightly twitching.

“Is that a men’s jumper?” He asked.

“Yeah…” I nodded. “I like to wear oversized things. They’re very comfortable.”

“I see.” He chuckled with a confused look on his face.

“How can I help you?” I asked because he didn’t say anything else.

“Oh, I’m sorry for bothering you… I was just about to ask what you were planning to do tonight but I see you’re busy so never mind.” He blurted out.

“Well, actually, I’m finished with my work for today, the doll is in bed, just like Mrs. Heelshire so I was about to have a boring evening.” I smiled.

“Did you give my mother her medicines?” Max asked.

“Yes, of course. Just like every other day.” I nodded.

“Excellent.” He pulled that unique half-smile at me he sometimes did. “So… I was wondering if you’d like to share a drink with me.”

“A drink? You mean like going out?” I stared up at him confused. Max wasn’t as big as Brahms but still way taller than me.

“I thought about staying in the house but we can go out if that’s what you prefer.” He smiled playfully.

“No, I think I prefer staying.” I shook my head.

“Alright.” Max chuckled. “So see you in the living room in fifteen minutes?”

“See you there.” I sent him a smile and closed the door.

I changed the green cardigan for black jeans and a dark blue shirt and brushed my hair. I was secretly hoping that Brahms would come out again to tell me what he was looking for when he’d visited me before we’d gotten interrupted but of course he never showed up again.

I let out a long sigh and went downstairs to join Max. I definitely needed a drink tonight.


	61. Dreams Come True

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alison's just got back and she's already losing it a little. Brahms needs to get himself together finally, I know... :D
> 
> My chapters have been longer lately but if I have enough time then I rather choose not to break them into more small ones. I think that it's more "smooth" to read this way.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

We drank a few beers but didn’t stop there. After all four bottles were empty Max gave me whiskey, some fancy, British one. Not that I cared what I was drinking, I only wanted to forget about my problems a little. I hadn’t been drunk in a while and I didn’t plan to get drunk now either. Max was my employer so I couldn’t lose control in front of him.

Nice plans for sure but after the third shot I wasn’t so confident about my choices anymore. I wasn’t too drunk but I certainly reached a level where I loosened up and just enjoyed the moment. Max seemed to be having the same experience, he clearly enjoyed my company and became even more talkative. But this time he opened up about things he’d never talked to me before like Mrs. Heelshire’s condition.

“Mother loved Brahms since the minute he was born. My parents had been trying for a baby for a long time before that and it was an incredible joy for her to be at least an aunt to a child, you know…” Max explained. “My father doesn’t talk about my cousin much but... he told me that Mother used to protect Brahms even when he did bad things, even against his own parents. I was born when he was seven years old but of course, Mother still loved him a lot as well. Then the fire happened when I was a baby… They never told me what happened exactly, only that Mother has been like this since then. She could never recover from Brahms’ death. He was like a son to him.”

I felt sorry for Max. Her mom lost her mind after Brahms’ “death” so she could never be a real mother to Max. That was sad. I found the butterfly effect heartbreaking in the Heelshires’ case. So many lives getting destroyed or effected by the ignorance of Brahms' parents.

“So, you’re already a business man, aren’t you? I’m almost twenty-seven as well so I think that it’s impressive you got this far so young.” I praised Max to change topic.

“Thank you.” He nodded. “Why aren’t you working as a criminologist? That’s your degree, isn’t it?”

“I used to… But I guess it wasn’t really for me.” I shrugged.

“How come?”

“It was very exciting to study it. But when you actually face those horrible things people are capable of doing to each other and you have to deal with it every single day… It was too much.” I explained.

“What are your plans for the future then?” Max asked. “No offense but I assume you don’t intend to be a doll’s nanny for the rest of your life.”

“I don’t have a dream career anymore, you know?” I said in wondering voice. “I’d just like to live somewhere beautiful, far from big cities… Somewhere you don’t have to worry about those serious crimes I learned about. Maybe on a farm or something. Somewhere peaceful, where I can practice my music and sing every day. Just being in peace with myself and the world. That’s my biggest dream for the future, I guess.”

“That sounds… pretty simple.” Max smiled. “I’m glad you chose to be a nanny and ended up here though.”

“Are you?” I smiled back and realized he moved a little closer to me, our upper arms were touching and I was drunk enough not to care. I could see the few, pale freckles on his small, symmetrically shaped nose.

“Indeed.” Max answered with a shamelessly charming smile.

The next thing I knew was his lips pressed against mine. I completely forgot about myself for a second as my lips started to move together with his. He was confident, definitely knew what he was going for. His hands found my breasts very quickly and that was the moment when I realized what I was doing and how wrong it felt.

Like I was slapped in the face, I pulled away from him but not only from his face but flinched on the sofa at least three feet.

“What’s wrong?” Max asked.

“I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” I answered firmly, staring at him with widened eyes.

“Why not?” He chuckled and frowned the same time, I sensed he couldn’t really understand my reaction.

“I just can’t.” I repeated.

“But why not?” He asked again, almost laughing at me. “Give me a reason.”

“I had enough drama in my life lately. I don’t need more.” I answered with an embarrassed face.

“Do you have someone?” Max asked, still with the confused but cheeky grin on his face.

“Yes, I do. And I can’t do this to him.” I answered.

“A boyfriend in Finland?” He frowned.

“Yeah. Exactly.” I lied to cut the conversation short, although it wasn’t as easy as I hoped.

“Yeah, well… I don’t really care.” Max chuckled. “There won’t be any drama, I don’t want a relationship either. We have some fun and never talk about it again if you don’t want to. It’s not a big deal.”

His openness surprised me and I kind of respected him a little more for being honest without bullshitting and giving false promises to women.

“Fair enough but no. Sorry. I can’t do it.” I said, my voice confused but not because I reconsidered sleeping with Max. I was confused because I suddenly realized the familiarity of the situation, the guys I’d rejected the same way in my past life. It wasn’t just about Brahms. It simply felt wrong when Max kissed me for whatever reason, not giving me the kind of shivers I was looking for.

Max let out a loud chuckle, still not understanding why I kept telling him no.

“Of course you can do it. You want to. I felt it. The way you kissed me back…”

“That was in the heat of the moment. I’m drunk and I’m slow, sorry. But that’s all.” I answered, starting to feel dizzy again from the amount of alcohol I’d drunk.

“Come on, we don’t have to have sex then. We can do anything you’d like to…” He continued, obviously wasn’t used to getting rejected by women.

“I have to admit the way you’re trying to convince me is impressive but no.” I shook my dizzy head.

There was one thing Max Heelshire didn’t know about me. I was stubborn and when someone attempted to talk me into something, it only made me protest harder.

“But you’re so beautiful.” He noted in a tender voice.

 _Here it comes. Manipulation._ He started to make me anxious, even pissed me off a little. _He thinks if he can’t convince me to sleep with him by arguments, he can succeed by complimenting me. He can’t be serious…_

He cupped my face, trying to caress my cheek but I carefully shook his hand off. I started to feel very uncomfortable in the situation. I was sitting there drunk with my boss hitting on me, not really understanding that he got rejected. I felt dizzy and wasn’t sure about what I was supposed to do. I didn’t want to make him angry but I obviously wasn’t going to do anything with him either.

“It’s getting late and I promised my friend I’d call her tonight. I should go. Thanks for the drink.” I told him as I stood up from the sofa.

“Are you sure you want to leave?” Max made a last attempt but I answered with a firm nod.

“Good night, Max.” I said and left him sitting on the couch, watching me run away basically.

I almost ran upstairs, taking the stairs by two and closed the door behind me.

_What have I done…?_

I lay on my bed, staring at the white ceiling. It felt like the whole room was rotating with me in the middle so I clenched my eyes but it only made the dizziness worse. My brain was foggy but not foggy enough to justify my previous actions. Getting wasted and making out with my boss while Brahms was obviously watching it from behind the walls…

I felt a lump growing in my throat as tears ran down on my cheeks. I didn’t only felt lonely but also like a complete disaster who ruins everything. I was silently telling myself that I needed to get sober as quickly as possible to sort things out with a clear head but as I closed my eyes I fell asleep right away.

 

When I woke up I still felt dizzy and a little drunk. I checked my phone and it was still half past midnight which meant I’d slept no more than half an hour. I sat up on the bed, finding a bottle of water and a note next to me. First, I believed it was from Max as an apology for being so pushy but then I remembered how I’d locked the door before throwing myself on the bed. There was only one person who got access to my room even if the door was locked… _Brahms._

_“Please don’t be sad, pretty Ali! It’s killing me to see you cry.”_

 

I reread the note a hundred times but still couldn’t believe it. _Didn’t he see what I did?_ _Doesn’t he hate me for kissing his cousin back?_ I was more confused than ever, not understanding anything anymore.

_This is all madness. Everyone’s insane in this house._

I rubbed my achy head and drank big sips from the water Brahms had left for me. This shit started to feel too much and I felt a desperate urge to talk to someone normal and ordinary. I remembered I’d wanted to call Barbara to thank her the package so I took the black phone and lay back on the bed, hoping it wasn’t too late for a call.

“Alison? What the hell are you doing up so late?” I heard my friend’s voice, her adorable French accent calming my nerves right away.

“Hey. I just wanted to say thank you for your present. It made me the happiest person ever.” I answered in a sleepy voice. “And I also wanted to tell you that I love you.”

“I love you too.” She laughed. “Wait, are you… drunk?”

“No… Yes. A little.” I admitted.

“Good. You needed some fun time.” She said, her familiar French accent one of the sweetest things I heard. “I hope you didn’t drink alone though.”

“No.” I rolled my eyes as I thought about Max. “With my boss.”

“The old Heelshire?” She asked, her voice surprised.

“No. I haven’t met him yet.” I chuckled, imagining to share a drink with Max’s dad. “His son.”

“Oh, the handsome one?” She chuckled as well. Since my visit to Finland I’d been cautious about calling both my sister and my friend regularly and sharing some details with them about my life. Barbara didn’t know about the real Brahms though, I only told my sister about him. “I hope it wasn’t just drinking...”

“No.” I sighed. “We made out.”

“You did?” Barbara laughed, her voice a little surprised. “Cool, I told you that you needed to have some fun finally. But why are you on the phone with me instead of being with him then?”

“Because I don’t want to be with him, B.” I explained in a whiny voice. “He was pushy and annoying and anyway… I told him no and came upstairs.”

“God, you haven’t changed since the summer, still rejecting all the cute guys.” She let out a resigned chuckle. “You’re gonna get crazy in that house separated from other people. Not to mention, you sound kinda… frustrated. You need to let go and have some fun finally, even if it’s not with the handsome boss.”

“Don’t tell me…” I sighed again as I climbed in bed and under the covers with the phone in my hand. I was drunk and incredibly sleepy. “I’ve been having sex even in my dreams lately... And yesterday I had the most frustrating dream ever.”

“Who was the guy in your dream?” Barbara asked as she yawned, she was probably sleepy as well. “Do I know him?”

“Brahms.” I blurted out.

“Whoa… Brahms the doll? Okay, that’s nasty!” Her voice was surprised but I sensed she felt entertained by my clumsiness which I didn’t mind at all. Humor was the only way to get some sanity into my chaotic life at the moment.

“Not exactly. I was lying in bed and kissed the doll but it turned into a real man… who looked like the doll.” I said.

“That sounds more exciting…” Barbara chuckled.

“Yeah… He kissed me, ripped off my clothes and… started to go down on me. But then I woke up.” I mumbled.

“You must be really desperate.” Barbara noted with another chuckle.

“Yeah. And I think I’m gonna fall asleep now…” I said silently, my eyes feeling heavy and sore.

“Go to bed and sleep it off. You’re gonna feel better tomorrow.” She agreed. “Call me on the twenty-fourth though, we can have a Christmas chat.”

“I definitely will, B. Good night.”

“Good night, Alison.”

I closed my eyes again and fell asleep with the black phone next to me.

*

Hangover showed mercy on me the next day but I couldn’t tell the same about my guilty conscious. Brahms didn’t visit me and I wasn’t surprised, I figured he hated me regardless of his sweet note from the previous night. I would’ve done anything to avoid Max though but it wasn’t necessary because he was nowhere in the house, he’d probably left early for business stuff again.

I spent almost the whole day with the doll and Mrs. Heelshire, reading a book for them. I liked the old lady, she was timid and very quiet. When she wasn’t completely lost in her own dream world, she only told kind things to me or to the doll.

 

It was a beautiful full moon night, I could see a lot even after turning the lights off. I yawned as my gaze wondered over the round moon through the window, while lying in bed. I couldn’t fall asleep so I kept moving from one side to another when I heard a creaking sound coming from the walls, getting louder second by second. I saw the closet door slowly open and a tall figure stepped out of it, moving towards my bed.

I knew it was Brahms but I had no idea what he wanted. I was sure he was mad at me since he’d been refusing to visit me since I’d arrived back to his house. I couldn’t imagine how furious he was with me after what I had done with Max the previous night. And yet there he was, climbing into my bed, right under my covers. The curls around his head resembled to a dark shadow and although I couldn’t properly see the greenness of his eyes, I saw that his gaze was sparkling in the pale moonlight.

I wanted to ask him if he hated me or not and what the hell he was doing in my bed anyway but before I could’ve said a word, my lips got blocked by his hot ones as he kissed me hard.

I didn’t understand what was happening and why he was making the move on me all of a sudden but for a minute I didn’t even care. I returned the kiss I’d been waiting for over weeks and it was nothing like when Max had kissed me the night before. Brahms’ kiss was everything. My body so reactive to him that I started to shiver in his arms almost immediately, his effect on me astonishing. But it wasn’t enough for him, of course it wasn’t. He was dominating me in every single meaning, his kiss had never been so confident before. Then he withdrew a little and took off my loose sleeping t-shirt in one explicit motion.

He kneed over me, stroking both if his hands down on my skin, with a pace that was almost painfully slow. I had no idea what he was trying to do now but the sudden slow-down made me shiver again.

“Brahms…?” I asked in a weak voice.

“Shh…” He whispered.

I was listening to my own heavy breathing, lying there half naked with him kneeing over me. I only saw his silhouette in the moonlight, the curls sticking out of his head, covering his face like a wreath. I didn’t dare to move or say another word, while he was holding his palms on my hipbones.

It seemed like he was hesitating to do something but it didn’t take too long for him to decide. He grabbed the straps of my underwear and pulled it off in a heartbeat so roughly, almost ripping the thin material.

That was the moment when it all became clear to me what Brahms was trying to do.

He listened to my phone conversation. I was drunk and completely forgot about his access to listening calls in the house. He heard what I told my friend about the hot dream I had, how a man resembling to the doll climbed into my bed and tearing off my clothes. He also must’ve heard how I was bitching to Barbara about being physically frustrated. He was trying to turn my dream into reality.

I let out a moan when the realization hit me but Brahms silenced me with his lips again.

_This isn’t a dream. This is really happening now._


	62. Team Power

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments, you guys motivate me so much to keep going with this story. I was grinning after reading them like Alison will grin at the end of this chapter, haha. <3
> 
> Although, this isn’t about what you think it would be about BUT this is the beginning of some very emotional chapters aaaaand finally in a good way. All your patience is gonna pay off this week, I promise. :)

Brahms was kissing my lips and neck alternately, my hands under his shirt. Every cell in my body was screaming at me not to stop him but I finally understood why we hadn’t done it before. I wanted him but the time wasn’t right and his intentions weren’t right. Just like it had been never right before, at least not yet.

I made my decision quickly, relying on nothing but my intuitions, hoping they wouldn’t trick me. I broke the kiss and pushed him away a little.

“What is it, Ali?” Brahms asked, still gasping for air.

“Listening to my private conversations, just to mention one.” I answered, wrapping my naked body in one of the covers still in a lying position.

“But this is what you want, isn’t it?” He asked in his deep voice but I heard that he was genuinely confused. “You had a dream about us doing this.”

“But _you_ don’t. You just want to favor me, that’s why you’re doing it.” I explained calmly and tenderly.

“I want you, Alison. You have absolutely no idea how much I want you.” He tried to convince me.

“You do?” I asked, my ego feeling a lot better though.

Brahms let out a frustrated sigh as he grabbed my hand, placing it over his pants. I let out a sigh as well as I felt how hard he was but I quickly pulled my hand away.

“That’s not what I meant.” I said, suppressing a satisfied smug. “We have a lot to talk about, Brahms.”

“Like what?” He asked, his voice annoyed.

“Well…” I cleared my throat before starting. “You’ve been ignoring me since the moment I got back, you let me feel so lonely. But I know you’re lonely as well even if you shut me out. Then I let your cousin kiss me and now you’re trying to favor me by bringing my stupid dream to life.”

I didn’t need more light than what the moon was able to provide for me to notice how Brahms’ eyes turned dark in a moment. He leaned closer to my face, his lips almost reached mine one more time as he talked in the already familiar, sinister tone.

“He cannot go anywhere near you ever again. Do you understand me?”

His voice threatening and slow, obviously talking about Max.

“He won’t. But it was my fault as well.” I told him in a guilty voice.

“Do you really have a boyfriend in Finland?” Brahms asked, keeping the sinister tone. “And don’t lie to me.”

“What?” I asked back, not understanding first where he got that. “No, of course not! I only told Max so he’d stop hitting on me. Why would I come back if I had someone in Finland? And when did I lie to you about anything like that, for fuck’s sake?!”

“Watch your language, Alison!” Brahms gritted angrily.

“Sorry but you’re pissing me off, Brahms.” I continued, being careful about not to raise my volume though. “I told you I came back because I missed you, didn’t I? But do you want to hear the truth?”

He expressed with a nod and narrowed eyes that he would be pleased to hear it.

“I let your cousin kiss me because a part of me hoped your kiss isn’t that special after all. But I stopped him because… Because he wasn’t you. Because I found out that your kiss is so special that no one would be able to kiss me like you do. Ever.”

Brahms didn’t answer, he took a deep breath instead and pressed his forehead against mine as we were lying there in my bed, facing each other.

“Then why don’t you let me make love to you?” He almost growled against my forehead from the suppressed desires. Feeling his want for me sent shivers everywhere in my body, every single word coming out of his mouth made me want him more. “I can’t bear not touching you anymore, Alison. I wish I could just get rid of this...”

“Craving.” I finished his sentence.

“You feel it too, don’t you?” He asked.

“I do. We…we can get rid of it together. But we cannot solve our problems with sex.” I explained, realizing how wrong I was before when I thought seducing him would clear things up for us. “We can make love later but first you have to tell me what’s up to you.”

“Why do you have to be so stubborn, Ali?” Brahms sighed as I leaned over him to turn on the lamp but nothing happened.

“Power’s gone again.” I sighed as well but Brahms stood up from the bed without a word and walked to the commode, lighting a candle. He placed it on the nightstand next to us and climbed back in bed next to me.

“Thanks.” I told him, my cheeks rushed with heat as I finally saw the color of his eyes in the flickering light.

We kept eying each other for a while when I blurted my question out.

“Are you happy I’m back?”

He kept some break before answering.

“Yes. I’m happy you came back.” He said quietly.

I formed my lips into a barely visible smile as I felt relief. A negative answer would’ve broken me forever.

“Relax, I don’t want to do an interrogation, I just want to ask you one question actually.” I tried to calm him down, noticing how anxious he seemed. Talking was the last thing he wanted to do.

“Ask me.” He said to get it over with.

“How are you?” I asked. “I wanted to ask, how are you?”

Brahms looked like he didn’t understand my question. He frowned and tilted his head a little.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“It’s just a simple question, Brahms. I’d like to know how you’ve been feeling lately.”

Now he looked even more confused.

“No one has ever asked me how I’ve been feeling…” He stuttered.

“I know… But it’s important to talk it out if you’re not feeling well.” I explained silently.

“I’m not feeling well.” He said finally. “I’m hurt.”

I didn’t react verbally, I was looking him into the eyes and waiting for him to tell me more.

“You hurt me, Ali. Mummy and Daddy hurt me too. I hadn’t even noticed before, but when I did, I got so angry and I wished… I wished them to suffer wherever they went to get rid of me. Then my relatives arrived and I heard that Mummy and Daddy… killed themselves… I imagined how it would feel to drown with rocks in the pockets to keep them under the water… They did it to themselves because of me. Because they thought I was a bad boy. Just like Mr. Nelson.”

“No Brahms.” I whispered, holding his hand. “It wasn’t you. It was their own secrets and lies what killed your parents and Mr. Nelson.”

Brahms looked away from my eyes, starting to fixate the cover that was wrapped around me.

“I’m sorry for hurting you.” I spoke firmly but still silently. “I had my reasons to leave but I shouldn’t have cut all the contact between us. We could’ve talked on the phone or something. And… I have to admit that I was incredibly naive and stubborn. I should’ve known it wasn’t gonna be so easy that Mr. Nelson comes and everything’s perfectly fixed. It’s never that easy.”

Brahms’ features brightened a little after my.

“Although, I don’t appreciate to be punished like you’ve been punishing me.” I added carefully.

“I’m not punishing you, Alison.” He frowned.

“Then what would you call ignoring me since I got back?” I asked defiantly.

“Everything’s different now, don’t you see?” He asked back, his voice bitter.

I must’ve sent him a doubtful look because he started to explain himself.

“I don’t make the rules anymore. I’m not the one in charge. It’s _them_.”

“I get that your relatives can’t find out about you but… You can’t live the rest of your life hiding. It’s still _your_ house.” I argued.

“Is it really?” Brahms asked, his voice even more bitter. “I might not know much about legal issues but I do know that if there isn’t any will left behind, the relatives inherit everything. Don’t you see that I don’t even exist? I’m legally dead. My parents left the house for _them_ and I need to find out what my uncle is planning to do with it. So I have to wait. Patiently.”

I was pretty impressed how logically we’d been thinking but still didn’t quite understand the connection to our relationship.

“What does all of that have to do with you avoiding me?” I frowned.

Brahms clenched his lips and remained silent for a while but when I accepted this conversation ended there, he talked again.

“I can’t give you a future anymore.”

I didn’t understand what he was talking about.

“They died and I officially don’t exist so… my uncle inherits everything after my parents.”

I was still staring at Brahms probably with the dumbest look on my face, although I started to understand what he was trying to say.

“I can’t assure you a safe life, Alison. I’m officially dead. I’m not a Heelshire. I can’t give you anything. I can’t even give you my name.”

My eyes widened and my lips separated as I kept fixating Brahms. No man had ever told me something like that before. I recognized embarrassment and even shame in the way he was looking at me. I knew I needed to say something smart to him but I felt like the dumbest person on Earth in that moment.

“Maybe you’re not a Heelshire but you’re Brahms.” I stammered but it sounded more stupid saying it than in my head.

“What is it supposed to mean?” He asked with a shameful frown.

“Brahms is more than enough for me.” I answered. “Besides, we should work on the present for now, the future can wait. It might work out itself in the end.”

I couldn’t believe I said that. Me, Alison, the control freak all time organizer Alison. But I genuinely meant what I said. The future didn’t matter because we couldn’t do anything about it for now. We could do one thing, let go of the worries and live a little in the present after all those years of controlling and hiding.

“Do you know what I think?” I asked Brahms while playing with his hand. He moved his sad gaze on mine. “Despite of fighting a lot, we are a pretty awesome team since the very first moment we met. I mean, think about it… Removing screwdrivers, covering up crimes, lying to people… We did it all together.”

After noticing the playful look in my eyes, Brahms formed his lip into a tiny little smile.

“This honestly sounds terrible, Alison.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” I chuckled. “We should use our team power to create something good in the world instead.”

I saw the sparks returning into the pair of green eyes which filled me with hope for the first time since I’d arrived back to the manor.

“But seriously, Brahms.” I continued, sending a solemn look to him. “We can be friends or lovers, I think it doesn’t even matter for now. All that matters is that we are a great team and we can overcome anything together. We will find a solution. You need to have faith in us.”

“It’s mad, isn’t it?” He asked after some thinking.

“What?” I asked back with a small smile.

“I used to want nothing more than owning you. And now you just became my best friend, Ali.” He murmured. “I never had a best friend before.”

“I’m happy to be your best friend, Brahmsy. It’s an honor.” I grinned proudly.

Brahms sent an embarrassed smile to me in return.

“I’m proud of you, you know that?” I asked.

He slightly shook his head, the look in his eyes embarrassed again. He was still not used to getting praised face to face.

“I am.” I smiled. “You see, we can discuss anything. You learned to use your voice well and I’m really proud of you for that.”

Finally, some pride appeared in his gaze as well but after a while he rolled his eyes down on my covered body and I knew what he was thinking. My cheeks turned into a more vibrant color, remembering my own words about getting rid of our physical frustrations together.

“So… See you on the twenty-forth?” I asked shyly.

Brahms frowned though, raising his eyebrows high.

“Aren’t you traveling home for Christmas?” He asked.

“No, silly.” I chuckled. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Oh… You aren’t?” He frowned.

“Nope.” I shook my head with a small grin after seeing his confused face. “I discussed with my family that I spent a month with them so it was okay for me to stay here for the holidays. Your uncle makes a visit tomorrow evening and all your relatives leave on the twenty-forth morning. They’re gonna spend Christmas with some family friends and won’t return for a few days. It looks like you missed the most important part of my conversation with your dear cousin.”

“It looks like…” Brahms agreed, seemingly still couldn’t believe I would be here with him for Christmas.

“So it’ll be only the two of us.” I summarized in anticipating voice.

I saw Brahms swallow, his eyes filled with excitement as well.

“Although, we need to clarify that I don’t like Christmas, I hate the cheesy holiday mood as well so don’t expect me to listen to Jingle Bells all day.” I grinned.

He nodded but the spark of excitement in his gaze didn’t fade.

“Ali…” He started while avoiding looking into my eyes, his voice embarrassed.

“What is it?” I asked carefully.

“Will you have dinner with me on Christmas Eve?” He asked. His eyes were filled with insecurity, resembling to a teenage boy who’s asking out his first crush on a date.

“Absolutely.” I agreed, my cheeks burning hot.

Brahms’ left cheek turned into a pink mess as well now that I said yes.

“I’ll let you sleep now.” He said.

“Okay.” I nodded with watery eyes after a big yawn.

Brahms leaned over me and left a kiss on my forehead as I murmured a “good night” to him. He then left my bed and disappeared in the closet.

I found myself grinning like a fool after the creaking sound of his footsteps had faded. I let out a relieved sigh and blew out the candle on the nightstand, knowing I finally was going to have a calm, deep sleep.


	63. Before Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, one minute silence to honor my neighbors who had to listen to "O Holy Night" too because my earphones are broken. I needed to get in the Christmas mood to be able to write this chapter in the middle of May... My only regret about this story is not to write it during the fall/winter months, that would've been so much fun. But anyway... :D Enjoy! :)

I woke up with butterflies in my belly. I hadn’t felt like this for a very long time and it had bothered the hell out of me until I figured it out where the tickling sensation was coming from. One day left until Christmas… Not that I cared about Christmas. But it meant that all the Heelshires were going to leave the next morning. All of them, except one.

We’d spent two months on our own in this house but this was going to be different because now I was nervous to stay alone with Brahms. Even if I told him that it didn’t matter if we were only friends or more, deep down I knew that everything had changed by accepting my desires and feelings for him and even letting him know about them. Since that moment he hadn’t been just a friend to me who I’d been helping to grow up. He became the “potential man” and I couldn’t act around him the exact same way I used to. It was an insane feeling and the idea of that Christmas dinner turned my stomach into a ping pong ball every time it popped into my mind.

The whole day I was grinning and was doing my job as if I’d drunk a whole bottle of coffee. I had a lot to take care of besides my usual works and helping Mrs. Heelshire to pack her suitcase for the holidays.

Rose came over with the delivery and we drank a cup of tea together. I told her – just like to everyone else except my sister, Mia who knew the truth about Brahms – that Barbara was going to visit me from France and we were going to spend the holidays together. That was my cover up story because my parents, Rose and even the Heelshires already expressed their concern that I was going to spend Christmas completely alone. It felt wrong to lie to everyone but I wasn’t going to leave Brahms alone for the holidays so I didn’t know what else to do. I called Barbara later and told her that she was my cover story, telling her I was going to be with a guy and that piece of information was more than enough for her. She said it was the best news after listening to my desperate dream about the doll coming alive.

I had to have dinner with Max, Mrs. Heelshire and the doll and Max caught me alone in the kitchen after.

“I just talked to Father on the phone and he’s truly sorry he couldn’t be here tonight for dinner.” Max told me about Mr. Heelshire cancelling his plans to make a visit in the manor before the holidays. “He will show up later though and he can’t wait to finally meet you.”

“I can’t wait to meet him either.” I sent Max a polite smile.

“Hey, I wanted to ask if you’re mad at me for what happened between us the other day.” He changed topic, his tone changing as well to more direct. “I noticed that you’ve been avoiding me since then and I don’t like it, Alison.”

“Sorry for avoiding you, Max but I don’t know how to act.” I answered. “We crossed a line that night and I don’t want that to happen again.”

Max raised his eyebrows at me, his eyes twitching a little which made me believe he still expected a different kind of answer.

“I was drunk and wasn’t too nice but you were drunk too, weren’t you?” He asked and I didn’t quite understand what he was trying to say. “Okay, well, it’s not a big deal, nothing happened. I just wanted to tell you that I’m not sure when I’ll be back after the holidays. So please, take good care of my mother.”

“Of course, I will.” I nodded.

“So merry Christmas and see you soon, I guess.” He added, still frowning a little.

“Merry Christmas, Max.” I wished him back politely and left him there in the kitchen.

It wasn’t a pleasant conversation but wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

*

The next morning, on the twenty-fourth of December all the two Heelshires left and they even took the doll with them, Mrs. Heelshire didn’t want her “nephew” to spend Christmas without his family. Brahms came out of the walls after his relatives had left to discuss our evening. The fact that he seemed to wait for our dinner made me feel even more excited, the lump in my throat doubled by nervousness.

I wasn’t only overly excited about the dinner “date” but the things I’d been planning for after. I was planning a little surprise for Brahms for the evening and I was anticipating to see his reaction so much.

I figured that it was probably going to be the best Christmas of his life since it was the first year he didn’t have to spend it lonely in the walls, he wasn’t going to be alone this time. It was very difficult to tell him in the morning that I preferred to spend the day alone in my room and not to be bothered until the evening. He said he understood that I didn’t like the holiday atmosphere and didn’t want to celebrate Christmas, he respected my decision and was going to be in his secret room until dinner.

We’d had a talk about Christmas once before I left and it definitely made a strong impression on me. Brahms said that his parents decorated the house every year and acted like everything was normal, had a Christmas dinner and got tons of presents for him the next morning which they opened with the doll. Meanwhile he was sitting in the walls watching and I understood from his words how ambivalent he must’ve felt. He said that he wasn’t truly happy for the presents he got, he didn’t care about what kind of toys were in the boxes but somehow he always wanted more at the same time. I found the extremes in this story incredible. Brahms was like a spoiled brat on one side, getting everything he wanted on a materialistic level, but on the other hand he didn’t get the one thing he truly needed. Real, face to face affection and love. He said he got very excited for Christmas every year but at the end he was more frustrated after the holidays than before and those were the saddest and most unhappy times of his life.

When I remembered this conversation and recalled his disappointed eyes when I told him how much I disliked the cheesiness of the holiday mood, I understood what this must’ve meant to him. After some thinking, an awesome idea popped into my mind and although his sad gaze broke my heart when I told him I wanted to be alone in my room during the day, I needed time to prepare his surprise.

We agreed to meet in the kitchen around six p.m. and cook dinner together. Meanwhile the food was getting ready on the stove, I went upstairs to take a shower and dress up. I thought about wearing the black dress Barbara had sent me but I found it too explicit for Christmas Eve so I went for black jeans and a pretty, beige shirt. For shoes I only had two pairs of sneakers so I chose the newer ones.

I moved my gaze onto The Beauty and the Beast puzzle on the commode. Brahms had destroyed it while I’d been away but I started to work on it when I got back and it was finally finished. I put together the last pieces the previous night. I stroked my fingertips on the puzzle, that one piece in the middle was still missing but other than that the picture was complete again, exactly like it was meant to be. I formed my lips into a satisfied smile, watching Belle and the Beast dancing and then left the room to meet Brahms.

*

“You want more?” I asked Brahms after he’d finished two big plates of the meal.

We were sitting at the enormous dining table, our seats facing each other. We didn’t use any Christmas decoration but covered the table with a beautiful white cloth and lit some candles to create a little bit of the festive atmosphere. I was so excited that my heart made a jump every time he looked at me. I was lucky for being so hungry because I wouldn’t have been able to swallow a single bite otherwise due to the lump in my throat that Brahms’ presence caused me. I had never imagined that I would allow myself to have a crush on the man at the other side of the table but I did, I came back to find out what that chemistry was about between us and finally there we were, working on the answer. Only the two of us again in the empty Heelshire manor.

My cheeks rushed with blood as he moved his light green gaze on me.

“I am absolutely full, Alison.” He answered.

“Are you sure?”

“Indubitably.” He nodded. “I don’t need to be stuffed, although I appreciate your attention.”

“Stuffing you is kind of my apology.” I murmured.

“Apology for what?” Brahms frowned after he’d placed his fork and knife on the empty plate.

“For leaving you here to starve for weeks.” I admitted in an embarrassed voice.

“I’m not blaming you, Alison.” He said, noticing the guilt on my face.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“I’m not your child, you didn’t have to stay to feed me.” He answered firmly.

“I know.” I mumbled. “I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m happy your relatives decided to move in just in time. I mean, what would’ve you done if they didn’t?”

“I don’t know, I figured I couldn’t go to the shop with these, someone could’ve found out I was alive…” He explained, pointing at his scars. “I believe I would’ve called Aaron.”

“Really?” I asked, trying to picture the potential conversation between the policeman and Brahms.

“Yes. I mean, I didn’t have any other choice. But then my relatives arrived.” He said.

“Do you like them?” I asked suddenly.

Brahms looked at me and I could’ve sworn I recognized a pale tint of darkness in that look.

“Let’s not talk about them tonight, shall we?” He asked politely in a tender voice.

“You’re right.” I said quickly.

Brahms had been quiet the whole time we’d been eating, just like usually so I was determined to make a conversation with him.

“How is it?” I asked when I saw him taking a small sip of the wine I’d poured for the both of us before dinner.

“It’s… luscious.” He answered, trying to extinguish a grimace.

“What?” I giggled, never heard that word before but I figured it meant delicious. “You know you don’t have to pretend for me.”

He moved his pretty gaze on me.

“It’s awful.” He blurted out and sent me a small smile after hearing my cheerful chuckle.

“Haven’t you tried any alcohol before?” I asked.

“I have. I tasted some once my parents were out but I hated the taste. I don’t understand why people enjoy it so much.”

“I think it’s more about the effect it can make on people than the taste.” I explained, realizing it probably wasn’t a wise choice of topic after my little drunk act a few days ago.

I felt my cheeks heating up again so I reached for the glass of water on the table. But halfway my shaky hand met the glass of wine unexpectedly, making the glass tilt. I tried to catch it but it was too late, a big red puddle was soaking into the white cloth already.

“Damn, I’m so clumsy.” I said in an embarrassed voice, jumped from the table to go to the kitchen for some cleaning tools but Brahms’ voice stopped me.

“Please, stay.” He said calmly, watching the awkward scene motionlessly.

“But I might not be able to wash it out if it dries.” I frowned.

“Please, leave it there, Alison.” Brahms insisted in a tender way, not showing any sign of emotions though. “I don’t care about the cloth.”

“Okay.” I sat back on the chair, my hand finding the glass of water in the end without causing any other damage.

I felt the color in my cheeks rising for at least the hundredth times that evening, while taking sips of the water. Brahms was holding his hand entwined on the table in a prayer position, his eyes fixating me as if he was trying to see my soul.

“You look so different.” He noted suddenly.

“Different?” I frowned. “What you mean?”

“I don’t know.” He answered, his gaze wondering over my face. “You’ve been acting strange the whole evening… You’re looking at me differently. And your cheeks are constantly pink.”

My heart was beating fast, trying to hide my embarrassment by looking straight into his eyes, although it was obviously too late.

“Am I different in a negative way?” I stuttered.

“No, Alison.” Brahms let out a tiny chuckle. “It makes me want you even more.”

The sip of water I was drinking almost went down the wrong pipe when I heard his last sentence.

“I’m just a little confused when you’re around.” I admitted. I couldn’t believe I shared something like that with a man, making myself emotionally vulnerable for him. But it was Brahms and somehow I trusted him more than other guys I’d got to know before.

“Am I confusing you?” He asked silently, a playful look appearing in his eyes and I knew the pink color of my skin turned into red in a heartbeat.

“Yeah, I guess…” I mumbled.

We’d been sitting there silently for a while, Brahms gazing me meanwhile I was desperately trying to avoid his eyes.

“So if you’re finished eating as well then… maybe we should go and… collect the dishes.” I stuttered, my voice shaking.

“Please, wait.” Brahms said after I’d stood up from the table. He did the same and passed the table, walking towards me. He was wearing a white shirt, black pants and the dirty-white cardigan I liked so much on him.

My heart was beating in my throat as he was getting closer and entered into my personal space.

“I know that you dislike Christmas, Alison and we haven’t agreed on giving presents to each other but…” He started and it was now clearly his turn to get embarrassed. “I can’t wait until tomorrow to give it to you.”

I was staring at him with wide eyes.

“Please, close your eyes.” He said and after some hesitation I did so.

He took my left hand and I held it for him, keeping my eyes closed. I felt him wrapping something tiny around my wrist and then braced it, his hands slightly shaking while doing it.

I opened my eyes after he’d let go of my hand, moving my gaze down. I found a small, black and white string bracelet on my wrist, decorated with pale, purple details in the middle. I was absolutely astonished and shocked, his kind attention was so unexpected. I didn’t expect him to give me a present.

“Did you make this?” I asked, staring at the bracelet.

“I know it’s only a tiny thing…” Brahms nodded timidly, holding his arms behind his back.

“It’s beautiful.” I looked up at him and recognized some relief in his eyes. “Thank you.”

We both were so confused around each other that I couldn’t decide which one of us was acting more out of character. Our behavior was the exact opposite of our usual confidence.

“Actually, I have something for you too.” I told him, knowing it was time for his surprise.

“You do?” Brahms asked, looking honestly surprised.

“Yeah, but… I can only give it to you in my room so… Shall we go upstairs?” I asked, my voice shaky again and my face hot.

He nodded with a tenderly suspicious facial expression but I also noticed excitement in his eyes which of course raised my nervousness higher. I blew out the candles on the table and took Brahms’ hand to lead him upstairs to my room.


	64. Christmas Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter though… I have a feeling that you guys will be happy with it (not that it’s so well-written but because of what’s happening in it) which you all deserve after being teased for months. I put so much work into writing this chapter because I wanted it to be decent and I’m mostly satisfied with the result. But it’s your turn to tell me.
> 
> So all of you who wanted to see love and our Brahmsy happy, here you go. :)

I led him to my room but we both stopped at the closed door. I looked up at Brahms and saw growing excitement in his eyes as he heard the soft melody of “Silent Night” coming out of the room. I sent him a diffident smile and pointed at the door.

“It’s all yours.” I told him, my heart racing in my chest for seeing his reaction.

“Can I open it?” He asked and I realized that his boy side was back, being genuinely excited for his Christmas surprise.

“Of course, open it.” I urged him.

After giving me a last shy and confused look, Brahms placed his hand on the doorknob and opened it in a slow motion.

We heard “Holy Night” louder as we both entered the room. I’d opened a Christmas playlist on my tablet before going down for dinner to strengthen the effect when Brahms walks inside the room and it worked. He froze as he looked around, his eyes opened wide, his lips separated from surprise.

I made an incredible effort to bring the Christmas atmosphere into my room just for him to be able to live through his Christmas fantasy and this time having someone on his side to celebrate with. I was searching for the Heelshires’ hidden holiday decoration in the basement the whole morning, then spent the afternoon with turning my room into “North Pole”.

I was pretty impressed with the result. I found tons of colorful lights so I managed to cover everything with them in my room and even to make them work. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was when I even found a small faux Christmas tree in the basement and of course the different decorations for it. I placed the tree on the top of the shelf and it honestly looked cool. Although the fireplace obviously didn’t work, I decorated it as well and hang all the red and green socks on it that I found. My favorite thing was the little cozy corner I organized, placing soft blankets and pillows on the ground so we don’t have to sit on the bed. I also put a tray on the blankets with a pack of tiny marshmallows, two mugs and a thermos filled with hot chocolate.

I hoped Brahms wouldn’t notice me bringing all those stuff up to my room from the basement but seeing his shocked face I assumed he’d been too sad today even to watch my actions from the walls. He must’ve been sitting in his liar the entire day.

It was the sweetest thing I’d ever done for a man but it was so worth it. The reaction I got from him was priceless, rewarding me with an emotion I could barely see on his face yet. He simply seemed touched.

“But you hate Christmas.” Brahms noted but there wasn’t any suspiciousness in his eyes, only joy and excitement.

I shrugged a little, staring at him shyly while the unknown, soft male voice was singing “Silent Night”. Brahms took a step closer, looking down at me.

“You did this only for me?” He stuttered, his eyes huge.

I gave him an embarrassed but proud nod in return. Then I tilted my head back so I could lock my gaze with his, placing my hands on his chest.

“I wanted you to have it.” I said in a quiet voice.

Brahms moved his hands around my waist and for a heartbeat I was able to see the reflection of the colorful Christmas lights in his eyes as they got wetter. We ended up in a hug while the intense Christmas melody pervaded the room and in that moment I knew I was right, this kind of present was exactly what he needed. I stroked my palm on his back while he was holding me tight, the both of us getting a little emotional. I felt how happy he was and nothing else mattered in the present.

Brahms only moved away with his head to be able look at me, his arms still around my waist.

“What are we going to do next?” He asked, staring at me with the gaze of an excited little boy.

My reaction was a smile, so tender I didn’t even know I was capable of, my hands finding his cheeks in a caressing way.

“We’re gonna do everything.” I answered. “We’re gonna sing Christmas songs, drink hot chocolate with marshmallows on top, read Christmas stories, maybe play board games... Oh, and my sister wouldn’t have let me go without her favorite Christmas movies so we’re gonna watch them all one by one during the next days.”

Brahms formed his lips into an excited giggle what melted my heart into a puddle of cane syrup.

“But most importantly, we’re gonna enjoy the moment and just… be together.” I added as the music player switched for the song “O Come, All Ye Faithful”.

I took Brahms’ hand in mine with a wide grin and dragged him to the blankets and pillows so we can begin celebrating.

 

We basically did everything from my imagined list and for my biggest relief the nervousness was soon gone. Electricity ran though my skin every time our hands touched and his gaze gave me the butterflies when he looked at me but it finally wasn’t the awkward kind of excitement. We spent an amazing evening together, we were able to put away all the pain we’d caused to each other recently. Tonight was all about love and joy, just like a perfect Christmas Eve should be.

 

It was late night when we decided to go to bed, the both of us making big yawns.

We brushed our teeth together which we sometimes used to do before I’d left to Finland. I changed my clothes to my grey pyjama sweatpants and a t-shirt in the bathroom while Brahms was waiting for me in my room. He said that he wanted to sleep in the doll’s bed so he doesn’t have to climb back up to his lair in the walls.

He was sitting on my bed but stood up and walked towards me after seeing me step into the room.

“Haven’t you forgotten something, pretty Ali?” He asked, holding his arms behind his back.

“What?” I frowned as I looked up at him, noticing playfulness in his green eyes.

“I think it’s time for us to reintroduce some of the well-functioning old habits into our daily routine, don’t you think?” He said as he started to stroke the end of my hair between his fingers.

“You want a goodnight kiss?” I smiled.

His gaze wondered over my lips so I stood on tiptoe and gave him a small kiss, shivering after a little.

“I actually missed this.” I admitted, feeling my cheeks heating up.

Brahms pulled me back to him, closing me in his arms. I hugged him back and rested my face on his chest, inhaling his unique musk which I would’ve never admitted to him but was the most pleasant scent for me in the entire world.

“Thank you.” He whispered into my ear.

“For what?” I mumbled, feeling intoxicated by his scent.

“For the best evening of my life.” I heard the answer.

I pulled him even closer to me into a tight cuddle, closed my eyes and I knew I didn’t want to let him go tonight.

“Do you want to stay with me for the night?” I asked him shyly but it didn’t seem like he was planning to let go of me anytime soon.

“I’d be pleased to stay with you, Alison.” He answered, pulling away only after our agreement was born.

We both climbed in my bed, then tucked ourselves in with the heavy covers but I didn’t turn off the light on the nightstand yet.  Brahms hugged me close, it wasn’t even a question that I was going to end up in his arms. We were lying on our sides face to face with each other, I was playing with a dark curl behind his ear while he was stroking my face with his thumb.

“Aren’t you sad about not spending Christmas Eve with your family?” Brahms asked suddenly.

I looked deep into the pair of green eyes in front of me.

“But I am spending it with my family…” I answered, my voice serious just like my face.

I saw the timid smile fade from Brahms’ face, his eyes widened like he heard something he’d never, ever expected to hear.

“I don’t care what will be between us, or that I’ve only known you for a few months.” I continued, my heart pounding from the heavy sentence I was about to say. “You are my family too, Brahms.”

I noticed an entire rainbow of emotions in his eyes as he looked into mine. Shock, joy, excitement, tenderness and even a touch of fear by the serious words … It was all followed by a kiss, a little longer and deeper than the goodnight kiss, hugging me on his chest after. I heard his heavy breathing as he pressed his face against mine while we were cuddling and we both felt it then…

A kiss wouldn’t be enough tonight.

Not long after, his lips found mine again, melting together passionately. Our hands made the next move, mine digging into his curls, while Brahms’ hand was caressing my waist, our lips fell apart only to get some air. My palm slowly glided down on his neck and biceps when I crushed my lips onto his one more time, now rougher and harder. Brahms’ hand slid under my t-shirt and splayed across my lower back, his lips now brushing the sensitive skin of my neck and ear.

I started to undo the buttons of his shirt, my desire for feeling his bare skin was too strong to ignore anymore. A hint of panic in Brahms’ eyes reminded me of his innocence but when I stroked my palm on his exposed chest and belly, the fear disappeared forever.

He reached for my t-shirt but I was faster, hiked it up and removed it from my body, assuring a free access for his hands to my bare breasts. His touch was so hot, almost burning my skin as he left wet kisses on my collarbone and the crook of my neck. I unbuttoned his pants, expressing how much I wanted him to get rid of all the material covering his body and I didn’t have to ask it again, he pulled them off and threw them on the floor.

I kicked the covers away from us to take off my own pants, earning an excited sigh from Brahms. It was no mystery anymore where we were heading to.

“I want you so much.” I purred but he silenced me with another passionate kiss.

He sat upon his knees to take off my panties and I helped him by slightly lifting up my hips, keeping our gaze locked the whole time. His eyes were sparkling from anticipation and excitement, a pale nervousness hidden underneath. I felt the same way, my heart beating fiercely as he lay back down next to me, taking off his own underwear as well.

We were kissing and cuddling tight again, I felt Brahms’ naked body touching with mine almost everywhere. For a moment I was hit by a strange sensation about how special this was. His mind was pure, not being poisoned by any false beliefs or inessential knowledge.

For him hugging bare was already making love.

But we didn’t stop there, how could we? I stroked my hand on his chest one more time and he did the same until his hand slipped in between my legs. I let out a moan as I felt two of his fingers entering just like I taught him before, craving his hand ever since then. I panted and tried to bring my hips closer to his hand to feel his fingers harder while he was slowly moving them in and out. I grabbed a fist of his hair, digging deep into his curls again, pulling his face closer to mine, a tiny smug towards me betrayed how much my strong reactions pleased him.

My hand found the way down to his groin as well, stroking my hand on his most sensitive spots, making his breathing sharper. I was gently brushing my fingertips on his erection, exploring the thickness, hardness and shape. I had felt him in my hand a few times before but this was different, a strong longing was building up in me, adding another sensation to what his fingers were doing inside. I kept looking into Brahms’ eyes while he was pleasuring me, massaging my clit and burying his two fingers in me alternately.

Muscles tensed and my breathing became irregular, my need for him was no secret anymore. I didn’t even try to hide it, I let him know with loud sighs that not much needed for me to end around his fingers. And that was exactly what made Brahms withdraw.

My disappointment only lasted for a short moment because I knew what was going to happen next, biting onto my lips from anticipation. His instincts urged him to move on top of me so that was what he did, positioning himself between my already shaky legs after I’d opened them for him.

He leaned over me and pressed his lips against mine. I dag my fingertips into the flesh of his back while we were kissing, feeling his manhood sliding up and down smoothly between my wet folds. A clear proof of my ache for him.

My heart was pounding like crazy because I knew it was really about to happen this time.

I had a hint that he wasn’t entirely sure what he was supposed to do with me, his bulge rubbing against my slit only as the result of his natural instincts. I moved my hips a little until the tip of his erection entered, making both of us gasp. Brahms stopped moving and looked down at me insecurely, even a touch of shock appearing in his eyes. But I knew he trusted me the most in the whole world, one small emboldening look being enough to reassure him. He slid inside, making my lips fall apart as he filled me with his whole length.

Brahms made a strangled noise as he felt me stretching around his manhood and he even remained motionless for a few seconds. I hadn’t had sex for a long time so I needed that time as well to get used to his size and for the trace of pain to go away.

He then started to move very slowly, it all being unexplored and new to him. I kept moving my hips to meet his yet clumsy thrusts, staring at the man above me almost with adoration in my eyes while he plunged into me over and over again. We were finally so close to each other with nothing between us. No distance, no walls and no clothes, nothing was separating us anymore.

I was so wet, my juices were everywhere on his flesh, making him slide in and out smoothly and easily. His movements got rougher quickly as his instincts guided him in the right direction. I clutched his shoulders while he was thrusting harder and faster, making the both of us whimper from the exquisite pleasure.

He was invading all of my senses, his moans, his musk, the touching of our skin everywhere, the hardness of his muscles around me… I deepened my fingertips into his back while kissing and sucking the skin of his shoulder, tasting the salty sweat that was leaving his pores.

Our lips met again in a desperate, sloppy kiss. I felt that he wanted to go farther, closer and deeper so he only slid out a little during his thrusts, then sank as deep as it was possible.

“Yeah, do it like that!” I whined against Brahms’ lips.

His movements made his pelvic bone constantly rub my clit while I felt him stretching me deep inside the most pleasurable way possible. I was on the edge of my orgasm and I felt that Brahms was close as well, he muffled a moan and I saw from the corner of my eyes that he grabbed onto the pillow case. He buried his face into the crook of my neck, his movements started to get out of control, his hips pounding against mine in unforgivingly rough motions. My eyes soon rolled back from ecstasy.

“You feel so good, Brahms!” I cried out and let out a loud whine, gasping and shaking under him as I orgasmed. I was trying to meet his thrusts during my climax, clamping my legs around his hips, trying to pull him even deeper. Brahms growled into my ear as my pulsating vagina clenched onto his erection and made him come right away. I felt him stilling deep inside while he was throbbing, then he sank into me with a few last rough thrusts while filling me with his warm cum.

Our release was earth-shattering. It was satanic and divine, sinful and sacred at the same time.

It took a while until our bodies stopped trembling and we were able to breathe calmly again, finally, the long-waited relief arrived after all those months - in Brahms’ case years - of suppressed desires. We’d shared a deep kiss before we opened our eyes and our gaze found each other.

I couldn’t hold back my satisfied smile while I was gently stroking his face.

He slowly pulled out and lay down next to me, resting his head on my shoulder, then I reached for the covers and moved them over us, tucking in our naked bodies. I sensed that Brahms was a little fragile after we’d destroyed his well-guarded innocence, so I left small kisses on the top of his head while caressing his back to comfort him.

A few minutes later he pulled away a little, moving his head up onto the pillow so he can face me.

“You’re the best boy ever.” I praised. Even if he was now a man in every possible meaning, his insecure side still needed to hear my compliments.

”Am I?” He asked silently and I kissed him on the lips to show him that he had nothing to worry about.

We kept staring at each other calmly, feeling that no words were needed anymore. After a while, Brahms’ blinks became longer until his eyelids closed.

“God, you’re such a man.” I whispered to him with a small chuckle, leaving a kiss on my sleeping man’s cheek. I turned off the lamp on the nightstand and curled up in his arms.

I knew we had a lot to talk about but it could definitely wait until the next day. I closed my eyes and fell asleep on his chest right away, feeling safe, calm, happy and relieved.


	65. Bloody Amazing Holidays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> This chapter might be a little weird but I decided there shouldn't be taboos in this story and why not anyway. :D It's based on a suggestion from StorytimeDreamer. I think it's very interesting to see Brahms' reaction even if I'm not sure if I wrote it well enough. I didn't have enough time to write the whole conversation into this chapter so I decided to break it instead of just rushing something stupid in the end. I hope it's not that bad after all and you'll like it. Thanks for the awesome idea, StorytimeDreamer! :)  
> Enjoy! :)
> 
> (Sorry for the title btw, I couldn't miss the opportunity... :D )

“Merry Christmas!” I told Brahms after our lips had separated from a passionate kiss. He was lying under me, his body covered in sweat just like mine.

“Merry Christmas, Alison.” He said, still gasping a little in his afterglow.

I let out a small chuckle as I got off him, lying down on the bed next to the curly haired man. He rolled on his side and pulled me to him for another kiss.

“What?” I asked because he gave me a wondering look after our lips had fallen apart.

“I wish we could wake up like this every morning.” He answered with a serious face, resting his hand on my bare thigh.

I giggled at him, while playing with his dark curls.

“You mean afternoon, don’t you?” I purred and started to leave small kisses on his chin.

The alarm clock on the nightstand said it was already half past noon.

“Sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night.” He mumbled with a touch of guilt.

“I’m surprised you even remember.” I frowned.

“Of course I remember.” Brahms insisted with some defiance in his voice that I dared to assume he didn’t remember the quick intercourse we had during the night.

Our first time clearly wasn’t enough for Brahms since he woke me up only a few hours later, ready to experience the breathtaking relief one more time. I still could’ve sworn that neither of us was fully awake, even if we both remembered it. Then in the “morning” we did it again for the third time, a little slower and longer, just to make sure he got rid of all the cravings he’d been carrying for such a long time.

I bit onto my lip as I remembered how the word “fuck” had slipped out of Brahms’ mouth while I’d been riding him and how it had pushed me over the edge as well. Hearing the otherwise shy and polite man accidentally curse like that while twitching under me was definitely the hottest thing I’d ever experienced in my entire life.

“What are you thinking of?” His deep voice brought me back to the present moment.

No answer was needed though, my pink cheeks and playful giggle betrayed my thoughts. Brahms let out a satisfied chuckle as he pulled me to him for a kiss again, knowing exactly what I was thinking about.

“Tell me.” He demanded with a smirk against my lips.

“I’m thinking of what we just did.” I answered. “And how good it felt.”

Suddenly a slight embarrassed smile showed up on his face while he was caressing my thigh with his thumb.

“Did I make you happy, Alison?” He asked after some hesitation.

“Yeah Brahms, you made me very happy.” I kept playing with his hair. “Did _I_ make you happy?”

He nodded with a timid look in his eyes again.

“So...” I murmured and just couldn’t stop giggling. “Now that we’re both happy, can we get out of bed and have breakfast? Or lunch or whatever…”

I sensed some hesitation on Brahms’ side, he was clearly considering not to let me go now that I finally was “his” but the loud growl of his stomach made him decide otherwise.

“Can you bring me a towel?” I asked him after he’d got up from bed.

He nodded and went to the bathroom then returned with one in his hand.

“Thanks.” I said as I took it.

Brahms was standing motionlessly next to the bed, his gaze was moving up and down on my body like he was waiting for me to start cleaning myself.

“Can you please stop staring at me? I’m kinda embarrassed.” I said, my cheeks rushed with blood.

Brahms cocked his head to one side and frowned, clearly not understanding what my problem was. He took the towel back from my hand and sat on the bed.

“What are you doing?” I asked with a surprised and embarrassed smile when he brought the towel in between my legs.

He slightly raised his eyebrows again like his actions were the most natural thing in the world and my drama was simply unnecessary. I kept staring at him with round eyes while he was cleaning me, his motions so gentle and caressing like he was trying to polish the most precious object in the world.

“Thank you.” I mumbled when he was done.

Brahms sent me a smile and threw the towel into the basket where my other clothes had been waiting for the laundry day.

*

After breakfast my belly started to act weird with a mild pain in it but then fortunately it went away so I decided to call everyone I needed to. My family seemed to have a pretty good time, I talked to Mia and my mom but even my dad wanted to talk to me and wish me merry Christmas which was unbelievable. I was happy for them, they deserved to have decent holidays after all those bitter celebrations, avoiding my dead brother’s name. I also needed to give a call to Barbara and Brahms promised me he wouldn’t listen to my call which I hoped he didn’t because my friend asked me about my “mystery boyfriend” and if I spent the night with him. I didn’t want to lie to her so I said I could only tell her details about the guy in person and since she was a very good friend of mine she knew I’d never say something like that if I wasn’t serious, so she just let it go. I called Rose as well to wish her merry Christmas and let her know that I was alive and fine.

I took a shower after finishing my phone calls, enjoying the hot water running down on my skin. It felt so good and relaxing for my muscles, my body was craving the warmness. That was the moment when I started to feel it again. The mild pain in my lower abdomen, feeling it mostly on one side. It resembled to a slight period cramp but it wasn’t time for it yet so I ignored it, blaming the hot chocolate from the previous evening.

We spent the afternoon in my Christmas room, curling up on the blankets next to the non-working fireplace and watching a Christmas movie on my tablet. Brahms seemed to enjoy it but after a while he enjoyed my company better than the film. I experienced the same thing as well, his curls happened to be much more interesting to play with. Then all of a sudden his lips and tongue became too pleasant to refuse and overall Brahms himself was too exciting, distracting all my attention from the movie.

After a while we gave up and lay down on the blankets, slowly kissing and fondling each other. I told him that I wouldn’t have sex with him for the fourth time in less than a day because I felt a little sore but Brahms seemingly didn’t take my words seriously. His hand slid onto my womanhood over my pants, making me ache for him again. Not long after I completely gave in for him but then suddenly I had a feeling that something just wasn’t alright.

I grabbed Brahms’ hand and pushed it away.

“I’ll be back.” I claimed then stood up in a heartbeat to rush to the bathroom.

*

There’s one thing every woman needs to learn for sure about their own bodies. Periods love awful timing. Mine happened to choose Christmas day this time.

I assumed that the rough sex was to be blamed for the early visit but the pain was more unexpected. I didn’t have bad cramps every time I got my period, only occasionally and of course, this was one of those times.

When I wandered back into my room and lay down on the blankets, the pain was getting worse already.

“Are you alright?” Brahms asked, snaking his muscles around me.

“Yeah, it’s just my belly, it hurts.” I nodded, finding a comfortable place in his arms. “Can we just cuddle and watch the movie?”

He nodded while examining my face.

“We missed half of the film.” He noted.

“Yeah.” I chuckled. “You’re too exciting, Brahmsy.”

 

We watched the movie almost from the beginning again and at the time it ended, my cramps got almost unbearable. I switched off the tablet and dragged myself up to the bed, curling into a ball under the covers.

Brahms lay down as well and hugged me from behind.

“Is it that bad?” He asked, his voice betrayed how worried he was.

“Yeah…” I moaned painfully.

“It might be because of something you ate.” Brahms guessed, placing his hand on my belly.

“No, it isn’t.” I answered. “I got my period.”

“Your what?” He asked back after some hesitation, his voice confused.

_Of course, he doesn’t know…_ I let out a whiny sigh, physically incapable of playing the teacher right now so I just mumbled a “doesn’t matter” and forced his palm under my pants, pushing it against my lower abdomen. The warmness of his touch so good, relieving my pain for a while.

After a few minutes it got worse though and I pushed away the clueless guy’s hand, scraping into my pillow instead.

“Brahms…” I whined. “Do you remember where we put those painkillers I gave you after removing the screwdriver?”

“Yes, Ali, I remember.” He nodded. “Do you want me to bring you one?”

“Make it two. Or three.” I gasped.

After two minutes Brahms returned with a pill and a glass of water in his hand.

“I said two.” I complained, swallowing the painkiller with a big sip of water.

“You can’t get two, Alison, it’s too strong. You refused to give me more than one at the same time, don’t you remember?” Brahms explained.

Of course I remembered but I didn’t care, my cramps were too intense for paying attention at my overall wellbeing.

“Thanks.” I said and lay back on the pillow. “Now, let me die on my own please.”

I saw panic on Brahms’ face as he took my words seriously.

“God, I won’t die, Brahms, these are just natural period cramps.” I told him in a way more annoyed tone than I intended to. “It’ll go away in a few hours, okay? Just let me be alone until then.”

He visibly hesitated a little but then finally left me so I can suffer silently on my own.

*

A few hours passed and I felt much better, hoping my misery was over for the month. Or at least the awful cramping part of it. I checked the alarm clock and it was already 7:53 so I put myself together and walked downstairs.

I found Brahms sitting comfortably on the sofa with a book in his hand.

“Hey.” I said as I sat down next to him.

He placed the book on the coffee table and turned to me, still looking worried.

“How are you?” He asked.

“Much better.” I answered, feeling a little embarrassed after remembering that I’d sent him away in such a rude way. “Sorry for being grumpy, I was in this awful pain and I just wanted to be alone until it goes away.”

“You don’t have to explain, Alison.” Brahms stroked my face with the back of his hand in a caressing way, earning a grateful look from me. I moved closer to him for a cuddle, finding the comfort that I needed in his arms. We’d been cuddling for a while when Brahms’ deep but confused voice broke the silence.

“What’s a period?” He asked.

I looked up at him, his green eyes reflecting curiosity and a tint of embarrassment that he didn’t know what was wrong with my belly.

“Women bleed every month for a few days.” I answered. “And it gives us bad cramps sometimes.”

“Are you bleeding?” Brahms frowned but I noticed a spark of enlightment in his look as if he’d already heard about something like that.

“Yeah.” I nodded with an embarrassed smile, it obviously wasn’t an everyday conversation with a thirty-three year old.

“From where?” He frowned again.

“Well…” I cleared my throat to hide my weak voice. “From _down there_.”

Brahms’ gaze fell down onto my pants, over my crotch area. I saw his eyes widening from shock as his lips separated and I had to admit to myself that deep down I found his dismay hilarious. I let out a sigh after suppressing a chuckle because I knew it was time for us to have “the talk”.

“Haven’t you heard about it before? That women bleed regularly?” I asked.

“I think I’ve read something in a book but…” He stammered.

“But it wasn’t explained.” I finished his sentence.

Brahms looked me in the eyes again, his face now embarrassed.

“It’s part of growing up, you know?” I told him tenderly. “Our bodies need to grow up too which starts in our early teenage years. That’s when the bleeding happens to girls for the first time. But everybody changes physically, boys, girls, everyone. And it’s damn scary. It’s scary even if you have all the kids around you who go through the same things. I can’t imagine how scary and shocking it must be for someone who has no one to explain what’s going on.”

The curious look in Brahms’ eyes turned into shame and sadness even, he probably realized that the latter was about his situation.

“But no one can stay a child forever, Brahms.” I added with a serious face. “These are good changes, even if they were scary when we were younger.”

I recognized doubt on his face, not understanding how bleeding and all the terrifying stuff from puberty can be good.

“The craving you felt was nothing but natural as well, I hope you know that.” I explained after sending him an encouraging smile.

“I’m not sure I know, Alison.” He admitted shamefully.

“Okay…” I cleared my throat one more time. “Everyone has these kind of desires for certain people they meet. First, when you’re very young, you just want to hold their hands, kiss them, maybe a few touches… Later it isn’t enough anymore and you want more, you want to have sex with them. Like we did as well.”

Brahms was staring at me, his face was getting pinker and pinker but I knew that on the other side he was dying to know everything about the mysterious desires.

“Every adult’s doing it. It’s one of the most natural things to do.” I continued. “You felt so frustrated because you had these needs but never had the chance to live them through. But it’s part of human connections too. We all need intimacy in our lives.”

“Why do women bleed?” Brahms asked after some thinking.

I quickly made some thinking as well and decided that it was no need to sugarcoat things, he was a grownup and pretty smart, he could handle the new pieces of information.

“Because our bodies prepare for pregnancy every month. But when it doesn’t happen they need to get rid of the… extra tissues and stuff… But Brahms…?”

“Yes, Alison?” He stared at me with curiosity and confusion in his eyes.

“I have to ask…” I started. “Do you know where babies are coming from?”

“Well…” Brahms mumbled. “From their mummy’s tummy.”

He frowned like I was the crazy one for asking it.

“Okay. And do you know how they get in there?”

This time he didn’t seem so confident anymore.


	66. A Little Baby Who Looks like You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I have bad news. Unfortunately, I need to break up with my update schedule again because I won't be able to do it until next week. There are some unexpected things happening in my life right now and I need to travel between countries this week and then figure out a lot of things. Although, the good news is that I'm going to work on the story anyway because writing is my drug, it makes me forget about my problems and life in general. So you don't need to worry, I'm still very enthusiastic about this story and I'm gonna keep working on it, only my schedule fell apart for now.
> 
> Other than that, there are some incredibly shitty things happening in the world as well, what actually motivates me to work even harder on my (still clumsy) writing skills to be able to be a "real" author one day and help as many people as possible to find a safe place inside their fantasy even if the world crumbles around us. This time I tried to create a short but heartwarming chapter to make us all a little happier, I hope I succeeded and you'll like it. <3
> 
> Enjoy and see you sometime next week. :)

Brahms was looking at me with confused eyes after listening to my question about the “bees”. I assumed he’d gotten at least a few pieces of the great picture thanks to the tons of love stories he’d read but on the other hand, I knew he must’ve been confused as hell.

“It’s okay to be confused, Brahms. Just tell me how much you know or what you think and then I’ll explain everything. Nobody can figure out these things by themselves, alright?” I tried to comfort him with my words after seeing his embarrassed face.

Brahms nodded and let out a long sigh before starting to talk.

“Well, it requires a man…” He mumbled and I reassured him with a slight nod and a smile. “Mostly.”

“Mostly?” I giggled.

Brahms’ face rushed with blood as he shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

“It always requires a man.” I corrected him, causing him to raise an eyebrow at me.

“Oh…” He frowned as if he realized something. “Do you need to make love to get a baby in your belly?”

“Yeah.” I nodded, his quick thinking surprised me a little. “You’re a very smart boy.”

A hint of pride in his green eyes told me how much my praising pleased him, although I was sure that he still didn’t know the whole story.

“I only thought because of what we did. That’s how a man’s seeds get inside a woman and create a baby for her, isn’t it?” He asked.

“Exactly.” I told him. “Have you read about… seeds as well?”

“It was mentioned in some stories and poems but I never really thought about what it meant.” He nodded.

“Well, now you know.” I smiled and Brahms returned it, his left cheek changing into a pink mess.

We’d been sitting there quietly for a while, he seemingly sank into his own mind while I was preparing myself for telling him every tiny piece he’d missed from a biological aspect. He needed to know the details as well and I was trying to put my thoughts together when he suddenly made another question.

“Alison…” He frowned and I noticed he looked a little more pale than usual.

“Yes, Brahms?”

“What if…” He stuttered. “What if I created a baby in you last night?”

I needed to muffle a chuckle after seeing his shocked face and the way he chose his words sounded extremely cute and hilarious but then I reminded myself that his question was actually very much valid and it wasn’t laughable at all. Now that he asked, even my heart started to beat a little faster and I suddenly felt the urge to swallow, my throat becoming as dry as a desert.

“It’s not that simple to get pregnant.” I explained, trying to convince myself as well. “For some people it happens at their first time but many couples need to try for months or even for years to have a baby. It depends on so many biological issues and luck even. That’s why I’m actually happy about bleeding right now, because it means that the chances of you getting me pregnant are very low.”

Now the confusion returned into Brahms’ eyes but… There was something else, maybe another type of emotion I saw in them… _Wait a minute… Is he disappointed?_

“Brahms…” I frowned after identifying his disappointed look. “You wouldn’t want me to get pregnant, would you?”

After hearing my question and noticing my surprised face he also seemed guilty and even ashamed.

“No, of course not.” He murmured.

“I think you’d be a great daddy one day though.” I told him, trying to say something encouraging to him and I succeeded, his eyes brightened up a little.

“You think so?” He asked shyly.

I nodded and started to move my thumb on the back of his hand to comfort him.

“Can I tell you a secret, pretty Ali?” He asked silently.

“Sure, Brahms.” I answered.

“I always wanted to have a family on my own. I always dreamed about a girl who’d stay with me, take care of me and love me regardless of how scary I looked or that I… lived inside of the walls. A girl who’d let me love her and take care of her as well. And… maybe even have children with her one day…”

For the few seconds Brahms was talking, it felt like the whole house silenced, making his words sound haunted and eerie. It was so strange but refreshing to see him open up like this and the fact that he had dreams - like real life, vivid dreams – sent a shiver down my spine. He was just an ordinary guy who’d been dreaming about a life he thought he could never have. His biggest dream, his biggest desire was something so simple, clear and honest that it broke my heart a little.

“If that’s your dream, you can reach it. I know it.” I told him. “You can reach anything, Brahms.”

He looked at me with a slightly embarrassed face about sharing something so personal with me, with the first person in his life. Behind the thick fog of doubt in his eyes I recognized a small spark of hope and it strengthened my faith as well. Everything was fine if he kept having hope.

“But you know, Brahms… We still have a lot to figure out in our lives. I need to find out a lot about myself and you need to do the same as well.” I explained to him, hoping I wouldn’t destroy his slight optimism. “You can start working on bringing your dream into reality after we solve our current problems with ourselves.”

“You’re right, Alison.” He nodded.

“Of course I’m right, I’m always right.” I sent him a playful smile. “And by the way… do you have any idea what a baby is like?”

Brahms frowned, not really understanding my question.

“They’re quite annoying.” I chuckled. “They cry a lot, they don’t care if it’s the middle of the night and you’d like to sleep. We’d need to spend every minute of our time with the baby, we’d need to feed him every two hours, change his nappy over and over again, sing for him, hold him…”

“Him…?” Brahms asked, seemingly failed to catch the significance of my little attempt to convince him about the difficulties of having a newborn.

I only shrugged as an answer, feeling my cheeks getting hotter.

“Why would you think it would be a boy?” He asked with a frown.

“I don’t know.... I… I just pictured a baby boy in my head who looks like you.” I stammered, the words slipping out of my mouth.

_I can’t believe I said that. I can’t even believe I thought about something like that. What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t even want kids and now I’m picturing a baby in my mind who resembles to Brahms…_

Brahms kept staring at me, looking just as surprised as me about what I just said about our non-existing child. He was blushing as well but I could’ve sworn I saw a tiny smirk appearing on his face.

“I believe we would have a little girl who looks like you, Ali.” He noted pretty confidently.

I let out an embarrassed chuckle, not knowing what to answer to him.

“Well…” I started after some hesitation. “Regardless of the gender, the baby would need all of my attention and I wouldn’t have too much time for you anymore. I’d probably need to play with his or her hair instead of yours…”

Brahms’ eyes twitched and widened as he heard my last sentence, then he made a grimace automatically. But after pulling a grumpy face at me and grabbing my wrist, leading my hand into his dark curls I knew I nailed the argument and I was convincing enough for him not to think about having a child again in the near future.

I suppressed my satisfied chuckle as I started to dig into his hair and gently playing with his soft curls.

“So…Do you want to hear the story about the little cells?” I asked him.

“The little cells?” He asked back.

“Yeah. There’s still a lot that you need to know, sweetheart.” I grinned at him.

Brahms cocked his head to one side while his gaze was wondering over my face.

“Don’t worry, I’m gonna teach you everything.” I purred and gave a kiss on his lips.

Brahms returned the gesture, kissing me back, then pulling me to him after our lips had separated. I made myself comfortable in his arms and started to explain human reproduction from cell to cell.


	67. Last Day Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I'm back.
> 
> Thank you for your patience and all the good vibes you've sent me in your comments!!! :) I can't return to my old updating schedule or any schedule unfortunately since my days are super chaotic right now (some days I have tons of time to write, other days no time at all). So sometimes I'll upload more often just like I used to but sometimes less frequently, it'll depend on my days. But I can promise you that I won't leave you without a new chapter for weeks and I won't disappear.
> 
> About the rest of the story:  
> I organized all my notes and mostly put together the rest of Brahms' and Alison's story in my head, including how I want it to end. There are basically two battles they need to fight yet, one against themselves and one against others. Some of the chapters will be a little darker than I've written before, I hope you'll like those as well. If you have any suggestions or anything you'd like me to write into the story, please don't be shy and ask me because I'm writing it for you guys.
> 
> Soooo here's the new chapter, enjoy! :)

It was January twenty-ninth when we got our late but strongly desired white Christmas. The weather didn’t stop after giving us a little snow though, it had been snowing the whole night and the whole morning. We couldn’t have been more excited for the long-waited sparkly flakes covering the entire Heelshire property, the first thing we did after having breakfast was rushing to the white garden, right into the snow.

We spent hours outside, enjoying the gift of the late December days like children. Building a giant snowman - even sticking a carrot into its head as for a nose -, having a huge snow fight and just messing around in the snow until our coats got soaked and we both were shivering from the chilly air.

When we couldn’t handle the cold anymore, we decided it was time to go inside to warm up our frozen toes and fingers but our cheerfulness hadn’t faded for a second. Our cheeks were flushed accompanied by a wide grin, even after leaving our new friend, Frank the snowman on his own in the middle of the winter garden.

I took a hot bath, then made tea while Brahms was taking a shower as well. I rushed upstairs into my room but as I passed the half-opened bathroom door I saw him standing in front of the mirror, staring at his reflection with big, glazed eyes.

I stopped and knocked on the door after hesitating a little. Brahms only moved his gaze towards me for a second as the knocking pulled him out of his thoughts he’d been visibly sank into.

“Hey. I didn’t mean to scare you.” I told him gently as I walked into the bathroom and stopped right next to him.

He didn’t answer, only moved his eyes back onto the Brahms in the mirror, examining his half naked body as if he was seeing his reflection for the first time. His loose fabric pants were hanging low on his hips, exposing his uncovered belly area and I saw his lips partly separating as he slowly stroked his fingertips on his own left biceps and hairy chest, moving it down until reaching the button of the pants. I was watching him for a while, trying to figure out what must’ve been in his mind but I realized it was just better to simply ask him.

“What are you doing?” I asked in a tender voice, not intending to break the intimate moment he’d been having with his own reflection.

Brahms shrugged a little without breaking the eye contact with the other Brahms inside of the mirror, embarrassment spreading on both his and the mirror Brahms’ cheeks.

“I’ve been so angry with it ever since it changed so suddenly…” He spoke slowly and quietly in almost a dreamy voice.

“You mean your body?” I asked, assuming he was talking about his own appearance.

“Yes.” He nodded. “I always found it scary… Terrifying. So tall and big and… hairy.”

The honest grimace that he sent to his reflection almost made me giggle but I force my facial muscles to suppress it, I didn’t want to make fun of him.

“So much out of control…” Brahms continued, still fixating himself. “It used to make me so frustrated, so desperate…”

“Not anymore?” I asked, hoping for a negative answer.

I noticed he was frowning a little while thinking about my question. I used the silence to move my gaze up and down on his body in the mirror. I stopped my wondering eyes on his angular shoulders which I’d cried on when I’d told him the story of my dead brother, then the lean but strong muscles which meant the safest spot when they were closing me in a hug. And the wide chest on which I could always rest my weary head and find comfort. The round, purple scar pearled on his pale skin, reminding me of not only the pain and misery he’d been through but the fact that how close it brought us to each other. And only, just only a little bit lower the dark, thickening hair leading to the secrets hidden under his pants…

Brahms was beautiful. He was damn beautiful.

“All I see is a gorgeous male body.” I smiled at his reflection in the mirror.

“Are you really attracted to this, Alison?” He frowned, pointing at mirror Brahms’ body.

“Yes, Brahms. I am.” I told him with a firm nod. “Just as much as you’re attracted to the softness of _my_ body.”

A hint of acceptance merging together with appreciation spread in his green eyes which almost seemed blue in the sharp lights of the bathroom.

“I leave you alone. I’ll be downstairs.” I smiled at him encouragingly and walked outside to the hall, giving the two Brahmses the privacy that they needed.

*

Later that day we were sitting comfortably on the sofa downstairs, Brahms’ back leaned against the backrest, me sitting in his lap and facing him. He was holding his arms tight around me so I wouldn’t slip out of his grip, while my arms were around the back of his neck, my gaze examining his handsome features. I just couldn’t get enough of his face, adoring it so much. He was handsome in a classical way but there was something unique in his features which I loved and made Brahms Brahms, the scars only adding more to his uniqueness.

He was quiet as usual, staring deep into my eyes, watching how I occasionally formed my lips into gladsome grins. The truth was that here and now I was simply happy to be in his arms, doing nothing but holding him as if we had infinite time to sit there in endless peace.

I moved my gaze down on his unusual clothes which made me giggle even harder. He was wearing one of his still quite new white t-shirts with the green cardigan but the thing that I found hilarious was the pair of grey suspenders crossing his shoulders. I hadn’t seen the old-fashioned piece of clothing in a very long time and I totally forgot how funny and boyish he looked wearing the suspenders.

I started to play with the worn-out accessories, stroking my fingers on them, even hooking a fingertip into them and pulling a little while making small chuckles. Brahms was keeping his head low and following every move of my hands, probably wondering what on Earth I was trying to do.

“You look so adorable.” I grinned, receiving a confused look in return. He had absolutely no idea why I was calling him cute and whether it was a compliment or an insult. “You look like a movie character from the eighties.” I continued.

Brahms obviously had decided it wasn’t a nice thing to say because he pulled a hurt face at me, making me chuckle harder. I leaned closer to his body for a hug, leaving small kisses on the crook of his neck. My smirk wasn’t something I could hold back as I realized how he started to shiver under my lips.

“The most handsome movie character from the eighties, I mean.” I whispered into his ear.

“Are you saying this because of my clothes, Ali?” He asked, his face embarrassed.

“Because of the suspenders you’re wearing.” I answered. “People don’t really wear them like this anymore.”

“They are for keeping my pants on me.” He frowned, assuming I didn’t know what those were used for. “My pants are a little loose.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” I nodded, knowing we wouldn’t have the chance to buy him new pants and a proper belt in our current situation. I also knew that Brahms had been wearing his father's old clothes since his parents hadn’t bought him new ones too often and I had no intention to tease him about it. “You’d look good in anything.” I complimented.

Brahms kept eying me with a suspicious look, clearly not believing the words leaving my mouth.

“Kiss.” He demanded to make sure that nothing had changed about my feelings and I was still into him, still “his”. I fulfilled his order eagerly and pressed my lips against his in a gentle motion but he didn’t seem to have patience anymore. He was rough, his possessive side taking over right away as a reminder of who I belonged to. I usually didn’t appreciate his controlling behavior but this time I let him own my lips as much as he liked, enjoying every moment of him dominating me.

We looked at each other after our lips had fallen apart and we didn’t need words to know what the other was thinking of. We hadn’t slept together since Christmas day, I’d been only caressing his hair all day long and gave him a hand a few times when we felt like the hugging and kissing game went too far.

I let my fingers slip deep into his curls as we started to kiss again, Brahms’ hands falling down onto my butt, pulling me closer to his body, making me sigh against his lips.

“Did you hear that?” He asked suddenly, his eyelids popping up like he heard some kind of a strange noise.

“No…” I whispered into his ear after convincing myself about Brahms being just too jumpy. I brushed my lips on his neck, leaving wet kisses along the way but then I heard it too. A car door slamming and the next moment the loud, creaking sound of the huge entrance door as someone entered the house.

We reacted as fast as we could, jumping from the couch and running to the window. Mrs. Heelshire was walking towards the house carefully in the snow with a tall, old man supporting her.

“Is that your uncle?” I whispered and Brahms reacted with a nod, rushing to the closest secret opening located in the fireplace. He removed the cover from the gap and disappeared like he’d never existed.

“Thank you Alfred.” I heard a man's voice from the lobby, probably Mr. Heelshire’s voice. Alfred was the name of the taxi driver who had driven me back to the manor as well. He must have carried he Heelshires’ suitcases inside the house.

“My pleasure, Sir.” I recognized the driver’s voice and the next thing I heard was the door slam again as he left the manor.

I realized I was still standing in the middle of the living room frozen when the old couple stepped into the same room as well. I was still shocked, I didn’t expect them to arrive until the next morning.

“Good evening.” I greeted them, trying to sound as polite as possible, just like to hide my surprised face.

“Alison…” Mrs. Heelshire hurried to me with a big smile and gave me a hug which was at least as unexpected for me as their early appearance. “Brahms has missed you so much, my dear.”

“I missed him too.” I smiled politely, my gaze moving at the old man - Brahms’ uncle, the “other” Mr. Heelshire – who was standing behind his wife, examining me with his huge, blue eyes. He was wearing a grey suit with a red tie and Brahms, the doll was sitting on his lower arm.

“Would you be so kind to hold our nephew, dear while I introduce myself to Miss Heikki?” Mr. Heelshire asked his wife who eagerly took the doll in her arms and hugged him close to her fragile body as if she was asked to hold a real little human.

“Hi Brahms, I hope you had fun with your family during the holidays.” I forced myself to talk to the doll as well but my kind words were worth it, Mrs. Heelshire sending me a proud and satisfied smile.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you, Mr. Heelshire.” I shook hands with Brahms’ uncle.

“It is a pleasure, Miss Heikki. My son told me so much about you.” He smiled politely, directing his eyes straight onto mine.

I was trying to show the most innocent smile I had while I was wondering what Max might have told his father about me.

“I have to admit I was a little anxious about you spending the holidays alone in such a big house but Mrs. Heelshire assured me that you had a friend from France staying with you. I suppose she hasn’t left yet.” Mr. Heelshire’s gaze moved onto the coffee table and I suddenly felt the blood freezing in my veins as I saw the two mugs standing there.

_Damn it, we totally forgot to take our empty mugs to the kitchen._

“Oh… No.” I stuttered in an embarrassed voice. “I just… love tea so much that I made two different flavors for myself. My friend has already left.”

I returned Mr. Heelshire’s stare confidently, hoping my lying skills didn’t betray me this time either.

“A tea lover… I’m impressed.” He answered with such a tender voice that gave me the chills for some strange reason. His eyes were blue just like Max’s eyes but even lighter. They reminded me of ice cubes. “I apologize, Miss Heikki, I’m a little particular about my employees inviting guests. I assume that you already know about Mrs. Heelshire’s condition and I’m afraid strangers might upset her. But I’m sure you understand, I heard you’d been taking such a good care of her.”

“Of course. I understand. I won’t have guests again in the future.” I nodded, although I wasn’t quite sure what he meant by strangers might upset Mrs. Heelshire.

“Marvelous.” The uncle smiled, my answer was exactly what he wanted to hear.

*

I had dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire and – of course – the doll who was my responsibility again. The old man was a pleasant company just like all the other posh people I’d met, they definitely knew how to bring a conversation forward politely. He asked me a lot about myself, my family, my studies and travels. He was a little reserved though, not like his son, Max. By the way, Max wasn’t going to return for a while which was good news for me after what had happened between us only a week ago.

I felt sorry for the real Brahms though, he had to return to his old habits and have his dinner alone inside the walls again. After I’d changed to pyjamas and climbed into my bed, he appeared in my bedroom, sitting down on the bed next to me.

“What’s up?” I asked as he climbed under my covers as well. “Wanna stay?”

He looked at me shyly as if he hadn’t spent every single night with me during the last week.

“I got used to you sleeping next to me.” I told him, my face a little embarrassed.

Brahms started to caress my cheeks and sent me a big smile that deepened the adorable dimples above the corners of his lips.

I kissed him goodnight, finding a comfortable spot on his chest after.

“Good night, Brahms.” I told him as I closed my eyes.

“Good night, Ali.” He answered.

“Good night, Frank.” I murmured, talking to the snowman we’d built in the morning even if it was standing outside. _Obviously, since it was a snowman..._

Brahms let out a mild chuckle at my sleepy last sentence, left a kiss on my forehead and blew out the candle on the nightstand.


	68. Defenseless Brahms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the new chapter and it's based on an awesome suggestion I got from LiiKorn about depriving Brahms from his ability to see for a few hours. Alison is getting better in accepting her desires and slowly getting rid of her inhibitions as well. Yep, it's a smutty chapter. :D Enjoy!

“How are you feeling today?” I asked Brahms during our late breakfast. The man who claimed he’d never been sick in his entire life got a cold after our little adventure in the snow. It was the third of January and I’d barely seen him since that day because he preferred to suffer silently in his lair. I couldn’t nurse him during the day because Mr. Heelshire provided me with some extra housework and cleaning tasks. I was sure the uncle had a mild form of OCD, he wanted every corner of the house perfectly clean and became horribly pale when something wasn’t at the exact spot he’d left. By every single evening I was so exhausted that all I wanted to do was throwing myself into bed and sleep.

Although, bedtime was the only time when I got to see Brahms, he visited me every day before going to sleep. He refused to sleep in my bed though just like every other physical contact between us and he started to get on my nerves with his distanced behavior. He was probably right about not being an experienced sick person since he made such a big deal out of a cold, it was almost funny. He was convinced that I'd catch the cold from him which he didn’t want for me because it was the most horrendous feeling ever, he said.

When I told him he wouldn’t get a goodnight kiss then either, the needy little boy crawled out of his subconscious though. I would never be able to forget the disappointed eyes he'd been staring at me with until I gave him a kiss on the forehead.

Long story short, despite of his cute pink nose, Brahms was an annoying drama king while being sick and I was at least as relieved as him when it was finally over.

“I’m feeling healed and amazing.” He responded in such an over-dramatic tone as if he defeated a dragon or something. I felt the urge to roll my eyes so hard I was almost able to see my own brain. “When are my uncle and aunt going to return?”

“Tomorrow around noon.” I answered.

Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire left early morning for a regular psychiatric checkup with Mrs. Heelshire’s doctor, leaving me here with the doll. And of course with the real Brahms but they didn’t know about that infinitesimal detail.

“Eat your breakfast.” I demanded and he did as I said while I was unpacking the groceries Rose had brought an hour ago.

 

“Will you help me organizing my clothes? We can do something fun after.” I asked Brahms, handing him the laundry basket filled with my clean clothes. I had no idea what kind of fun activity he’d like to do but I recognized a spark of excitement in his eyes as he nodded.

 

“Wear this for me.” I heard his voice from the closet, placing the last shirt on a hanger that I asked him to put away.

“Wear what for you?” I asked, sitting down on the bed.

He walked out of the closet with the sexy, black dress I’d gotten as a gift from Barbara.

“Maybe I will once…” I shrugged, the distant memory of my little fantasy about seducing him with the dress popped into my mind.

“Wear it now.” He insisted, causing my natural alarm system in my brain to switch on as I heard his pushy tone. He’d been acting a little bossy lately and I didn’t like it, I hated to be told what to do.

“No.” I shook my head firmly. “Not today.”

“You can wear it tomorrow then…” Brahms murmured, hanging the dress back into the closet.

I let out a big, sarcastic chuckle. “Should I clean the house and babysit the doll in that fancy dress so you can watch me wearing it all day?”

Brahms' tiny smirk made it clear for me that it was exactly what he’d liked me to do.

“I enjoy watching you.” He noted as he sat on the bed as well, burying his face into the crook of my neck.

“What do you want to do today?” I asked while I was playing with his curly hair.

“I don’t know.” He muffled against my neck. “You could teach me something.”

“What do you want me to teach you?” I frowned.

“I don’t know. Something new.” He answered. “Something I don’t know.”

I made a humming sound, my mind started to wonder what kind of life lesson I should give him while I was lazily stroking my fingers through his curls. _“I enjoy watching you.”_ I recalled his previous words. Then my gaze stack on the black eye cover lying on the nightstand which I sometimes wore during sleeping and an awesome idea popped up in my head. _Awesome for me at least, Brahms is gonna hate it no doubt…_

“Do you trust me, Brahms?” I asked him, suppressing a giggle already.

“Of course I trust you, Alison.” He frowned, pulling away so he can face me.

“So you do trust me and wanna learn something new…” I summarized the facts, couldn’t hold back my smug grin anymore.

“I suppose...” He nodded hesitantly.

“We can play a trust game.” I grinned, making Brahms raising an eyebrow. I grabbed the black eye mask and sat back next to him enthusiastically.

“Are you ready to give up control and vision for one whole day?” I asked playfully.

“No. Absolutely not.” Brahms shook his head when he realized what I wanted him to do.

“Come on, it’ll be fun!” I nagged. “One day without your sense of seeing, it’s not a big deal.”

“Have you lost your mind, pretty Ali?!” He freaked out.

“It’s a perfect opportunity to prove your trust to me.” I argued.

“You said we’re going to do something fun. And you’re going to teach me something new.” He said with a grumpy face, crossing his arms in front of him.

“It will be fun. And you’re gonna learn a lot, I promise.” I giggled but Brahms looked like a stubborn boy who decided not to go to school today.

“Okay, forget it. You’re right, it was a stupid idea. You must be too scared…” I changed my tactic, hoping he’d take the bait.

“I’m not scared. I’m a man now.” He said with defiance in his voice and I knew I succeeded. “So what are the rules of this game?”

“Well, the only rule is that you cannot take the eye cover off until bedtime, no matter what.” I grinned. “Okay, you can take it off I you need to go to the bathroom.”

Brahms pulled a doubtful face at me but nodded anyway.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you. Your only job is to trust me and your other four senses.” I took the eye cover in my hand. “Ready?”

I saw him swallow and I knew that he was terrified when I covered his eyes with the black material. I wasn’t an evil bitch, I didn’t find joy in his fear and I certainly didn’t do it to torture him but to help him lose control after relying on observing in such an unhealthy way during his entire life.

“How is it?” I giggled.

“Dark.” Brahms grimaced and I’d left a kiss on his cheek to reassure him before taking his hand and led him to the living room. I decided to start with something easy like reading a story for him so he can just sit and listen to my voice.

 

After reading, I made him play the piano which was hilarious. I placed his fingers on the keys one by one to play a short melody. Eating lunch wasn’t less entertaining either, watching his attempt to eat everything on his plate without seeing the food. I helped him occasionally and praised him for not giving up.

“Open your mouth, you’re getting a treat for being a good boy.” I chuckled.

“I’m not sure I want to.” He protested.

“It’s about trust Brahms. You need to trust me that I wouldn’t give you something disgusting.” I explained so he opened his mouth after some hesitation and I pushed a Christmas cookie in between his lips which we’d baked together at Christmas.

“Thanks, Ali.” He said after biting off the gingerbread man’s head.

“See? I told you, you can trust me.”

My favorite part of the afternoon was when I led blinded Brahms through the house. We were holding hands, walking very close to each other while wandering in the manor for hours with small breaks. I led him downstairs to the basement, then upstairs to the doll’s room, making him touch different objects and guess what they were.

I knew he hated the whole thing but he wanted to prove to me so much he just did everything I told him without removing the cover from his eyes and I was honestly impressed with him. He even laughed together with me when a bite of the meal landed in his lap during dinner. The “old” Brahms never would’ve laughed at himself so carelessly but now his action felt like a touch of fresh air.

 

“How can I shower?” He asked after he’d managed to brush his teeth without seeing the toothbrush or anything else.

I hummed and frowned, realizing I actually hadn’t thought about that type of problem.

“I bathed you once before, don’t you remember?” I shrugged, recalling our outdoor painting and how I needed to wash the green paint off him a few months ago.

“That was different.” He hesitated.

“How come?”

“I… I was more like a boy back then.” He stammered, making me smile a little.

“Okay…” I said and opened the tap over the bathtub, pouring my favorite vanilla-strawberry bubble bath in it.

“What are you doing?” Brahms asked when he recognized the sound of running water.

“Well, I’m gonna take a bath.” I said confidently as I started to strip bare, smirking at the fact that he wouldn’t see me. Before I could’ve climbed into the bathtub though, Brahms had caught one of my wrists with such a perfect motion as if he was able to see everything even if I knew he wasn’t. He pulled me to him and stroked his palms down my back, rested them on my butt then and let out a sigh as he realized I was indeed fully naked.

I broke out of his grip, guided by a sudden idea and lit the candle I’d been keeping in the bathroom in case of a power loss. I turned off the lights, leaving myself with the flickering flame of the candle only.

“Now I can’t see properly either.” I told Brahms timidly. “You can join me… if you want to.”

“Are we going to have a bath together?” He asked in an embarrassed voice but I’d already started to strip him as well. I noted with a tiny chuckle that only the idea of sitting in the bubbles with me made him ready for… well, everything.

Even if the bathtub was larger than most bathtubs, we could barely fit in there together.

“You’ve been doing very well the entire day, Brahms.” I praised. “I’m so proud of you.”

“I don’t like this, Alison. I feel completely defenseless and vulnerable. Although, I like when you’re proud of me.” He said while lying under the thick layer of bubbles, caressing my waist and my butt.

I formed my lips into a satisfied smile and closed my eyes for a few minutes. I let myself just lying in the hot water, breathing slowly, inhaling the vanilla-strawberry scent and enjoying Brahms’ closeness. Meanwhile, I was teasing him by stroking his inner thighs upwards without reaching his male parts, repeating the same process going from his chest down his belly and finally stopped my hand over his hipbones.

Brahms let out a disappointed growl into my ear.

“Do you enjoy playing with me, Alison?” He asked, gently squeezing the back of my thigh.

“Yeah…” I answered in a seductive voice. “You’re my favorite toy.”

He tried to catch my hand to force it on his desired spot but I was faster and pulled my arm away from him. It was easy since he couldn’t see anything.

“No, Brahms.” I giggled playfully as Brahms expressed his frustration with another groan. “Tonight we’re gonna take it slow. It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey, you need to learn that. Well, it can be true in any context…”

His lips found mine for his second attempt and forced his tongue into my mouth roughly, my intuitions telling me that I might get a harsh payback later for toying with him.

After a few devouring kisses we decided to get out of the already fading bubbles, drying our wet bodies with a towel.

I led him in my room without removing the cover from his eyes, then pushed him carefully on the bed, joining him after to carry on with the crazy waltz of our lips. Every time I felt him losing his patience I withdrew a little, proving to him that I was the one in control tonight.

I lay on my back and took Brahms’ hand, moving it on my naked body so slowly it felt almost agonizing.

“This isn’t fair.” He whined about the mask covering his eyes. “I want to see you so much.”

“You don’t need to see me, you just need to _feel_ me.” I told him while I was enjoying him leaving soft kisses on my neck. “When one of your senses is blocked the other four strengthen. Stop thinking about the lack of your vision and try to rely on the rest. You’ll realize that you can actually feel me stronger by touching, listening to my voice, smelling and tasting…”

Brahms stroked his tongue on my collarbone and I needed to take a break in my speech to let out a long, deep sigh.

“Use those four senses to find control.” I added but he was already taking my advice, his lips exploring the skin of my belly area. They were moving up again until they found my nipples which were already hard for him.

My fingers were digging deep in his somewhat wet curls while he was gently kissing and sucking my nipples, the roughness of his short stubble scratching the skin of my breasts.

I had to admit to myself… I loved everything he was doing to me.

“I want to kiss you everywhere, Alison.” Brahms claimed, his voice full of lust. “Can I do that?”

“Yes…” I sighed, my brain too foggy to realize what his words might have meant.

His lips began to move downwards again, spending some time fondling my belly around my navel and even lower. He lifted up my legs and pressed them against my stomach so he can climb in between my thighs and grab my hipbones with a gentle but firm motion.

All of a sudden I was pulled closer to his face, dragged into the puddle I’d already created on the sheet. The gasp I let out was louder now as I felt Brahms’ wet lips sliding up my inner thigh towards my hottest spot, his other hand caressing the sensitive skin of my other thigh. I knew he wasn’t an experienced lover so I needed to let him explore with his own tempo, even if it felt like a sweet, slow torture.

He was kissing my groin and the external part of my folds what made my brain cells melt into a mess. His breathing got heavier like he was trying to breathe my scent in harder, the hot air he exhaled condensed on my moist womanhood over and over again.

Then he tasted me...

He slowly dragged his tongue up my clit, causing me to let free a loud whine, my hips bucked against his mouth a little. Brahms tilted his head as if he tried to look into my eyes even if I knew he couldn’t see through the eye mask.

“Did you like that?” He asked and I moaned an approval as for answer, Brahms burying his face back in between my thighs.

He was using his lips and tongue at the same time, kissing deeply and avidly. He let me know about his hunger by the soft moans he sometimes muffled against my slit, his fingertips digging into the curves of my hips. My fist found a grip of curls and I needed all my mental strength not to force his head against my sex too hard, reminding myself that it was his first time licking out a woman.

_I am his first._

The pleasing thought wedged into my mind, doubling the pleasure his tongue was giving me.

_I'm his first woman in every possible meaning. The first he kissed, the first he fucked and the first he tasted…_

I was so moist that Brahms was close to drink from my fluids, he swallowed repeatedly, his saliva soaking into the already spreading puddle under me. Short after, the swirling of his tongue and the squelch of his mouth was too much for me to handle, my hips couldn’t stay still anymore. I let them move against Brahms' lips constantly until I came hard around his face, screaming his name in ecstasy.

He kept fondling me with his lips until my breathing normalized and even a little longer, kissing my inner thighs again. It was the most satisfying feeling ever that the man who had just licked me until I came for him, didn’t want to stop pleasuring me at all. I didn’t want him to stop either but a little devil in my mind was urging me to return the favor.

“Come here, handsome.” I told Brahms as I grabbed his biceps and pulled him on me. My lips merged together with his right away, allowing me to taste my arousal on his tongue.

He shoved his hips against mine with a greedy motion and I had to dodge a little bit to avoid him sliding into my soaked vagina.

“Not today.” I chuckled and gently pushed his shoulders to make him lie down on his back. I couldn’t see his eyes under the black cover but I sensed his disappointment from the frustrated sigh he made. I smirked as I sat up and leaned over his naked body, rolling my gaze on him from toe to up.

“Alison?” He asked shyly, even with a hint of fear in his voice since he had no clue why I was sitting over him in silence and what I was about to do to him.

“You’re so beautiful…” I said rather to myself than to him, stroking my fingertips from his hipbones up his hairy chest. My lips soon followed, kissing his neck and chest, enjoying the long sighs escaping his mouth.

After teasing him a little longer my lips were wandering on his belly area, making Brahms’ hips buck against me with want, his mild whimpers almost suppliant. A smirk formed on my face and without hesitation I slowly dragged my tongue on his hard shaft from the base to the tip. Brahms was winded for a second and I saw him reach for the eye mask.

“Don’t you dare taking it off!” I warned him so he stopped, grabbing at the edge of the bed instead as he made the most frustrated growl I’d ever heard in my life. “Good boy.” I chuckled as I took his shaft in my hand, taking a glimpse at its glistering tip.

I’d been longing for this ever since daydreaming in Finland about coming back to the manor, telling how I felt about him and doing all kind of dirty stuff with him. My cheeks rushed with blood as I was finally honest with myself and accepted the desires I'd been having for him. Being a good girl or not, sucking Brahms’ dick was a significant part of those fantasies.

I slowly licked off his salty pre-cum from the tip, then started to suck it in a gentle way to tease him farther, causing his entire manhood to twitch in between my lips.

I loved the strong effect I was able to make on Brahms, his reaction was just as delicious as his flesh which disappeared inch by inch in my mouth. He brought his hand on my face, trying to examine if I was really doing what he believed I was doing. He cupped my face while I was slowly bobbing my head on him, his moans becoming wilder when he finally perceived that I was indeed pleasuring him with my mouth.

He was still holding my face, his thumb now touching my lips. I let his erection fall out of my mouth, then I wrapped my lips around his finger in the heat of the moment as I continued caressing his shaft with my hand. I was sucking his thumb while stroking his erection, feeling that he wasn’t going to last for much longer.

I switched back his thumb for his manhood and Brahms couldn’t hold back his hips any longer, bucking them against my face while his fingers were digging in my messy hair. I speeded up the bobbing of my head to a pace that was hard for his hips to keep up with.

He suddenly pulled my hair a little as if he was trying to make me flinch from him. He was about to reach his climax.

“It’s okay, let me taste your cum.” I said, my words made him let out a deep groan. I didn’t have to do more than to wrap my lips around him one more time, his sticky fluid filling my mouth the next moment.

I swallowed it all, sucking and licking off every last drop so nothing would go to waste, while mumbling to Brahms how yummy he was.

I wiped the saliva from my face as I climbed up to him. My hands slip onto the eye cover and I finally removed it.

“Hey there.” I smiled after he’d stopped the heavy blinking, his eyes getting used to the sharp light of the lamp.

He rolled his gaze down my naked body, then looked me in the eyes with a satisfied but slightly shocked look, making my cheeks heat up again.

I stood up to take on my pyjamas and Brahms did the same as well. After we’d lain back into bed and pulled the covers on us, Brahms just couldn’t stop staring at me again.

“What is it?” I asked tenderly.

“Is it normal what we did?” He blurted his confused question out.

“Did it seem abnormal to you?” I laughed.

“No, it felt very pleasant but… is it something that people do to each other?” He asked, looking a little ashamed of his lack of experience.

“Yeah, Brahms, it is.” I smiled at the clueless man. “Some like it, some might not but yes, it is something people do to each other as part of sexual intimacy.”

He seemed a little relieved now that he was able to place our previous action in his belief system.

“Haven’t you fantasized about kissing someone… everywhere?” I asked.

 “I have.” He admitted, his left cheek pink. “But I didn’t know that it was an actual thing. I just felt a desire to… taste you everywhere.”

I sent him a smile automatically.

“It’s so beautiful, isn’t it?” I asked in a soft voice. “You’re the living proof of what we did was nothing but natural.”

“What do you mean by I am the proof?” Brahms frowned and started to play with my hair.

“Well, you never heard about pleasuring someone this way before, yet you felt a desire for it. It was instinctual.” I explained.

“I want to do it again.” He said firmly and I let out a small chuckle in return, kissing his lips after playfully.

“Good night, Brahmsy.” I told him as I made myself comfortable in his arms.

Brahms switched off the lamp on the nightstand then turned back to me so we can hug until falling asleep.


	69. Mad Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Heelshires' secrets start to reach Alison, although she still has no clue what she got herself into. Things are getting a little faster and crazier than before, I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story.
> 
> I haven't mentioned in a while how much I appreciate your feedback. Seriously, you have no idea how much every single piece of feedback motivates me to write more (even constructive criticism) so thank you for the kudos and comments you leave for me guys!

“Thank you Mrs. Heelshire.” I mumbled as the white-headed lady placed a cold towel on my forehead.

Brahms was probably right about his sickness being contagious because the next day I got ill too. I’d been feeling unwell the entire day, my throat was sore and my head hurt but around bedtime I literally fell into bed with high fever.

“It’s alright, darling.” Mrs. Heelshire babbled, caressing my face so gently like she was trying to calm her own child. I was lying under the covers while she sitting on a chair next to my bed, nursing me the whole evening. The Brahms doll was there with me as well sitting on the edge of the bed, its plastic eyes staring at me emotionlessly.

Mr. Heelshire walked into the room with a glass of water and a pill in his hand.

“Thank you, Mr. Heelshire.” I said and took the painkiller. It felt a little odd that this old couple - my employers - were nursing me after I’d been taking care of myself since I had moved away from home.

“Are you entirely sure you don’t need me to call a doctor for you, Miss Heikki?” The uncle asked, his voice polite but distant as usual, unlike his wife’s who was treating me like her own daughter.

“I don’t think it’s necessary. I hope it’ll go away on its own.” I forced a smile as much as the fever allowed me to make a happy face.

“Of course it will go away, darling.” Mrs. Heelshire said in a sweet tone. “You will feel much better tomorrow, you’ll see.”

“Alright. I’ll let the two of you alone then. Three of you…” Mr. Heelshire corrected himself after taking a glimpse at the doll. “Good night, Miss Heikki.”

“Good night. And thank you again.” I told him.

“Isn’t he a true gentleman?” The aunt asked, after Mr. Heelshire had left the room, closing the door behind him.

“You’re very lucky to have a husband like him, Mrs. Heelshire.” I smiled.

The old lady let out a bitter chuckle.

“I knew he was a gentleman from the moment we first met, but lucky…? No dearie, I wouldn’t say that.”

I frowned and wiped away some warmed up water dripping out of the wet towel on my forehead.

“Every young woman dreams of a man who not only treats her like a lady but who can be faithful as well.” She continued in a soft, dreamy voice. “Too bad it is too much to ask.”

“Do you think men are unfaithful?” I asked carefully. I understood the insinuation about her husband but I obviously couldn’t just ask her if Mr. Heelshire cheated or not.

“Oh, I know that they are, my darling.” She nodded. “They give you a beautiful child and then run into another woman’s arms.”

I made a regretful grimace, being kind of shocked about Mr. Heelshire cheating on his wife. _Does that mean it happened after Max was born?_ I wasn’t a judgmental person, I was an honest believer that there were always two sides of a story and we shouldn’t judge something we can’t understand. _But cheating on your partner after having a baby with her is a whole new level of betrayal, isn’t it?_

I made a humming sound while thinking, although Mrs. Heelshire hadn’t finished her life lesson yet.

“That silly redhead girl... She might have been young and shamelessly pretty but she didn’t know what she was walking into.” She murmured, staring at the tea mug on the nightstand. Her face remained emotionless which made her words sound almost eerie.

“What happened?” I finally dared to ask after some hesitation.

“Oh, it was a long time ago, darling. She’s gone now.” The old lady tilted her head to look into my eyes in a sudden motion, her voice becoming cheerful again, her unexpected mood change gave me the chills.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through something like that, Mrs. Heelshire.” I told her, wondering how cruel life can be. This woman had a healthy baby boy after such a long time longing for a child but then lost her beloved nephew and the love of her husband. No wonder she lost her mind.

“I always wanted a beautiful and kind daughter-in-law like you, my dear. So pretty with such a good heart…” She smiled at me.

I kept staring up at her with fever burning in my sore eyes and I could’ve sworn that the room became deathly silent around us.

“Although, I’m afraid that my Max wouldn’t be good to you. He’s not too good to girls and you deserve a gentleman.”

The words I heard about Max freaked me out like hell even if I had no idea what exactly she meant.

Mrs. Heelshire leaned over me and started to stroke my hot face again. I knew she was a mentally unstable old woman and I shouldn’t have been surprised that she was speaking some odd things but still, I couldn’t stop shivering and it certainly wasn’t only because of the fever. There was something in the way she said those words… as if… she was trying to warn me.

I clenched my eyes for a long second and tried to cope with the odd things I heard, not knowing it was nothing compare to what was going to come next.

“I wish my Brahms wasn’t still a little boy, I’m sure you would make a wonderful couple.”

My eyelids popped up and my heart started to beat a little faster.

“I know he’s very shy but he’s so fond of you, dearie and you love him as well, don’t you?”

I kept blinking at her, not knowing what to answer or how to react at all. _She’s talking about the doll slash the eight year old Brahms her imagination created, isn’t she?_

“That’s right, I see it in your eyes. A woman’s eyes always tell the truth like a mirror. Reflecting all of her emotions and I can tell that you’ve been having _those_ sparks in your eyes lately. Ever since the holidays.”

“Sparks?” I stammered but Mrs. Heelshire kept smiling at me in such a mysterious way that confused me even more.

_I can’t have any kind of sparks in my eyes since I’m not in love with the real Brahms. I’m not. Sure, I have feelings for him but that’s far from falling in love which I am not. Right?_

I felt a mild desperation taking over my emotions but the old woman’s voice pulled out of my head again.

“His mother and father want a wealthy girl for little Brahms. Like that noisy, blonde one… But I’m sure he loves you so much more.”

“Emily Cribbs?” I asked but she never answered, only her greenish blue gaze wandered over my face one more time.

I moved my legs a little to find a more comfortable place after lying in the same position for a while now, which made the doll accidentally fall on me. I completely forgot about the fake Brahms sitting there on my bed and the sudden weight on my legs caused me to jump and hiss a little in panic.

“Oh, Brahms.” Mrs. Heelshire babbled as she leaned over me again and seated the doll back to its previous position. “I told you to sit tight like a good little boy. Good boys don’t hurt their nannies and you are a good boy aren’t you?”

She turned to me then, her words silent as if she didn’t want the doll to hear us.

“He loves you, darling but he might hurt you if you’re not good to him. He’s a bad boy sometimes.”

I swallowed hard as I moved my gaze between the porcelain boy and the aunt.

“Like he hurt Emily?” I asked but I regretted right away when I saw Mrs. Heelshire’s face darken.

“He already payed for it, darling. He knows he can’t hurt other children.” She mumbled, her voice shaking like she was fighting against her tears. “He needed to be punished for what he did to that poor girl so they... they burnt his face. I didn't want them to do it, he is my favorite nephew... I tried to stop them but I couldn't. And my dear Brahms has burnt scars on his face now. My poor, poor Brahms… He’s so lucky you love him regardless.”

My heart made a sudden jump and for a minute I believed she knew. She knew that Brahms was alive.

“Burnt scars?” I stuttered.

“Yes, darling, those scars…” She stroked her fingertips on the cracks of the doll’s porcelain face.

I let out a relieved sigh as I realized she was talking about the damages the doll had suffered when Cole had shattered it into hundreds of tiny pieces. She didn't know about the real Brahms, she just believed that the cracks were scars from the fire.

“Who did burn him, Mrs. Heelshire?” I asked. “His parents?”

“I tried to stop them, God knows I tried.” She whispered, a few teardrops rolling down her pale, wrinkled cheeks. “But they couldn’t have lived with the shame… That was the only way, they said. When I saw the fire I knew they did it to get rid of their _problem_. They never loved my poor Brahms as I did.”

She made a small break and sniffed while I was staring up at her with wide eyes, my heart racing in my throat as I found out the truth.

Brahms' parents tried to kill him on his eighth birthday.

“Come on, Brahms. Let’s leave Alison rest, shall we?” Mrs. Heelshire’s face and voice changed back into her usual cheerful dreaminess as if the previous conversation had never happened.

She said good night and lifted up the doll, leaving my room so I can go to sleep.

But sleeping was the last thing I could think about. My brain cells were constantly rumbling around the new pieces of information I’d received from the aunt.

His parents tried to kill Brahms to protect their reputation.

I suddenly felt the urge to run to the bathroom and so I did, throwing up the very next moment.

_How could I be so naive to believe they were just trying to protect his son? It would’ve been a stupid idea to fake his death and hide him so he can stay with them forever but it would’ve been led by a good intention at least. But no, they were much worse people than I thought. What kind of monsters are capable of burning a child alive? Their own child…_

*

I was standing in front of the closed opening of Brahms’ secret room inside the walls. I couldn’t quite remember how I got there, my body was trembling and my head wanted to explode. But I didn’t care, I needed to see him.

Without hesitation I opened the door and walked into the lair with explicit steps, causing the clueless Brahms to jump hard on his bed where he was sitting.

“Alison? What are you doing here?” He asked as I walked closer. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. No. I’m not.” I mumbled, my voice shaking. “I wanted to see you.”

Brahms pulled a worried face at me since I hadn’t visited him in his hidden place since the day I’d arrived back from Finland. But now here I was, almost breaking the door at him.

“You look pale.” He noted. “Are you sick?”

“I had a conversation with your aunt. She told me awful things.” I whined. My head felt suspiciously light and my muscles couldn’t hold my weight anymore so I sat down next to Brahms. At least I tried to sit down but my body couldn’t fulfill the orders my brain had given so I almost fall on the mattress, Brahms catching me just in time. He seated me in his lap and snaked his arms around me.

“I caught it from you... The flu or whatever it was that you had last week.” I mumbled as I buried my hot face into his muscles.

Brahms left a kiss on the top of my head and started to stroke my hair in a comforting way.

“What did Auntie tell you?” He asked, reminding me of the reason I made a visit to him at the first place.

“Em…” I murmured, not knowing how I was supposed to tell someone that his parents had probably tried to murder him when he was a child. “Horrible things. About your eighth birthday. About the fire.”

Brahms withdrew a little so he can look at me, his caressing hand stopped in my hair.

“And about your parents.” I added indistinctly.

“What did she tell you about my parents?” He asked in his sinister deep voice which he used when he tried to sound frightening.

I was a mess, my head hurt, I felt incredibly weak, dizzy and cold. I was a mess but our whole life was a mess as well anyway so I decided to simply tell him.

“Your aunt said that your parents had tried to kill you after you’d hit Emily.”

We both had been remaining silent for a while until Brahms eyes started to sparkle with pain.

“She said she’d tried to stop them but they wanted to burn you alive.”

“No, they didn’t.” Brahms said silently to repress a great amount of rage flaming up inside of him.

“They weren’t protecting you, they tried to get rid of you for good. I know it must hurt like hell but you need to face the truth Brahms.”

“You know nothing about the truth, Alison.” His tone sounded so threatening that probably every normal person would’ve started to run but I knew him. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me even if he was about to have a break down.

“Brahms…” I mumbled, my body trembling in his arms from the fever.

“Auntie has mental problems. My cousin told you, remember?” He said, squeezing my waist a little. “They would never…”

His voice faded and I knew this conversation had to be ended immediately. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore, I just couldn’t watch him suffer.

“I love you.”

That was all I could say, resting my dizzy head on his chest again. I tried to cuddle him tighter to relieve the cold I was feeling and he pulled me closer to him as response.

“You would never cheat on me after having a baby, right?” I muffled against his cardigan. My thoughts were bouncing between each shocking thing Mrs. Heelshire had told me and the fever didn’t allow me to choose my words properly anymore.

“What?” Brahms asked back in a confused voice.

“You wouldn’t want someone else, would you?” I asked again. “Because… Because I only want you.”

“I only want you too, Alison.” He said tenderly, although he still sounded confused.

I didn’t even comprehend his answer, my head felt too heavy but light at the same time.

“What were you reading?” I asked after opening my eyes, noticing there was the local newspaper lying on the bed next to us.

“Nothing.” Brahms said, turning the paper over in a quick motion.

“I want to read it as well.” I said.

“Why?” He asked.

“To be aware of what’s going on in the town we live in.” I mumbled and tried to take it in my hand but Brahms placed it into a further spot.

“Let me see it.” I reached for the paper again but almost fell from the sudden movement I made. I was too dizzy and too exhausted.

“You have fever, love.” Brahms noted after stroking my forehead with the back of his hand. “No wonder you don’t make much sense.”

I finally grabbed the newspaper and hugged it to my chest. Not that I was in the condition of sitting down with a cup of coffee to read the local papers but somehow I felt victory that I managed to take it from Brahms.

“It’s time for bed.” Brahms said and stood up, gently pushing me out of his lap but keeping his arms around my waist to support me.

“I think you’re right.” I nodded as I noticed that my pyjamas were soaked with sweat.

*

I threw myself on my bed, the newspaper falling out of my hand on the floor. Brahms climbed in bed with me and gave a goodnight kiss on my lips. He closed my shaking body into his arms in a protective way and that was the last thing I remembered from the crazy night I spent with this mad family.


	70. Burn Little Brahmsy, Burn! – Brahms’ POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, the poor baby, I can’t even…
> 
> It’s probably the most disturbing chapter I’ve ever written but also the most exciting one. Brahms is having a nightmare about his child self on the famous eighth birthday. But it's not quite a dream only... Obviously, this is written in his POV. Enjoy!

_I know I have to run. My heart is racing up in my ears as I do. I’ve read so much about being in shock but I’ve never imagined it would feel this bad in real life. I’m passing tall trees and wide bushes as I’m running back to the house. I hear the dry twigs crushing under my feet and I’m still holding to the heavy rock that crushed her head._

_I know I did something bad, something really-really bad. That’s why I have to reach Mummy, she’ll know what to do, she always knows what to do._

_I finally see them, they’re sitting on the benches in the garden, Uncle is standing next to them. Mummy stands up as she sees me but Daddy, Uncle and Auntie look at me as well._

_“Brahms… What have you done?” Mummy asks. “Where is Emily?”_

_I hug her and buries my face into her pretty jumper, breathing in her perfume. Mummy is so comforting… Yes, she will definitely know what to do._

_She flinches a little from me, her blue eyes staring at the rock in my hand. She looks terrified when she sees the red blood on the sharp edge of the rock. Emily’s blood._

_“I’m so sorry, Mummy.” I tell her, looking up. I feel so small compare to her now as her gaze is reflecting dismay and fear._

_I’d like to hand the rock over her, I don’t want to hold it anymore. It’s sharp and heavy and has Emily’s blood on it. Now I see Daddy jump from the bench as well._

_“I hit her with the rock. She didn’t move anymore.” I tell the grownups. “Please, don’t be angry, Daddy.”_

_Daddy steps closer to me in such a sudden move I’m scared he’s going to hit me but he just grabs my arm. I cover my face with both of my hands anyway, preparing myself for his palm._

_“What did you do, Brahms?!” He screams, shaking me violently so I start to cry, the rock slipping out of my hand and landing on the ground. I know I did something really horrible this time and they are all devastated._

_I’m trying to recall what exactly happened, the words she told me or what we were doing before so I can explain my actions to Daddy but I can’t. No matter how hard I try, I can’t remember anything. I can only hear the sound of her skull break in and see her lying motionlessly on the ground, the bloody stone in my hand. The next thing I recall is running in the woods to find Mummy. What happened in between? I can’t recall._

_“Let him go…” Mummy frees me from Daddy’s grip._

_I lower my head to the ground but I can’t see the grass, my tears blocking my sight completely. They’re whispering to each other while I’m crying and sniffing._

_After a while they all leave me and disappear in between the trees the same direction I was running out of the woods. Auntie stays with me, she knees down on the grass and hugs me._

_“Shh, darling, it’s going to be alright.” She whispers in my ear, her soft voice and closeness calms me a little so I stop crying. She wipes the tears from my face with her hand as she looks at me._

_“What is going to happen, Auntie?” I ask her, I’m still terrified even if I’m not crying anymore._

_“I don’t know, sweetie.” She says, her voice shaking. “But we’ll find a solution, I promise.”_

_I find her words comforting so I hug her again. My baby cousin starts to cry so Auntie takes him out of his carriage to rock him in her arms._

_“It’s okay Max, it’ll be alright.” I tell him as I reach up to Auntie’s arms and stroke my baby cousin’s blonde hair._

_We stay like that for a while when the other grownups arrive back. They start to talk to each other so Auntie puts Max down and joins them as well. I can’t hear what they’re saying but they seem to be in panic, arguing about something. Probably about me._

_I feel guilty that they’re scared and even fight because of me. It’s all my fault. Why do I have to be a bad boy, why can’t I just be good and make Mummy and Daddy proud instead of mad? I should have done as they said and played with Emily her silly games._

_Mummy is crying and I want to tell her to stop, she shouldn’t cry because of me but I dare not say a word. I don’t want to make them angrier. They all take a glimpse at me occasionally which makes me even more anxious. I hope they find the solution. Auntie promised that they would. Plus Mummy’s here and Mummy always finds a solution for every problem we have. I trust Mummy._

_“Have you lost your mind?! You cannot do that!” I hear Auntie’s voice, she’s shouting at the others but Uncle silences her._

_“Watch your tone, Elsa, the child is here, listening. They don’t have any other choice.”_

_“No. I won’t let you do that.” She continues to argue. Mummy cries even more, she’s almost hysterical. I don’t understand why she’s crying so much over Auntie’s words._

_“You’re right, brother. We do not have any other choice. Come on, darling.” Daddy says and supports Mummy’s waist by placing his arm around her. “Come on, son.” He tells me the same as well._

_“No!” Auntie cries out and jumps between me and the other grownups, hugging me so close to her that I find it hard to breath for a few seconds._

_“What’s happening, Auntie?” I ask her but she only starts to cry in response._

_“Let him go.” Uncle demands but she doesn’t do as he says so he rips me out of her arms and I suddenly have a feeling that something bad is going to happen. “Take care of the baby until we come back.”_

_“Please, I’m begging you! His your child. Your only child.” She talks to Mummy and Daddy now but Daddy already pulls my crying Mummy away towards our house._

_Uncle grabs my arm, I reach for Auntie but she’s too far now. I still hear her scream at Uncle as we leave her with little Maxie._

_“What kind of people are you?! You are all monsters, do you hear me?! God have mercy on your souls if you hurt that child!”_

_Her scream slowly fades, although I still hear my baby cousin’s cry but soon it’s only a distant sound._

_“Come on, Brahms, we’re taking you inside the house.” Daddy says as Uncle is leading me by holding my hand._

_“What are we going to do in the house, Daddy?” I ask, looking up at him._

_He’s avoiding looking at me but mumbles that they’re going to hide me because the policemen can be here any minute and they would take me away forever. “You wouldn’t want that, would you, Brahms?”_

_Of course I wouldn’t want that, Daddy. I feel a little more relaxed now, my Auntie was wrong, they won’t hurt me, they would never hurt me. They want to save me from the policemen who want to take me away from home._

_We walk upstairs to the third floor and Daddy opens the attic. I’m scared again, I hate it up there. I’ve only been upstairs once and it was the most frightening place I’ve ever been to._

_Daddy and Uncle leave then, I stay in the hall with Mummy. She knees down and closes me in her arms while she’s crying._

_“I’m scared, Mummy.” I tell her, tears gathering in my eyes as well._

_“Don’t be scared, Brahms. It will be over soon, I promise. This whole nightmare will be over.”_

_“I’m sorry, Mummy.” I cry. “I’m sorry for being a bad boy.”_

_Mummy starts to cry even more, burying her face into my shoulders and I feel angry with myself again for making her so sad._

_Soon Daddy and Uncle return with a big, white candle and a small can-like object._

_Daddy knees down and hugs me as well._

_“I can’t do it, I can’t.” He cries as well._

_“You don’t have to, brother.” Uncle tells him. “I will.”_

_Both Mummy and Daddy kiss me on the cheeks. “Just be a good boy Brahms and do what your uncle tells you.” They cry and I nod._

_This time I indeed will be a good boy._

_Uncle lifts me up high and puts me on the last stair of the tight staircase. I climb and stand up, finding myself in the horrible attic. Uncle soon follows and I hear Daddy talking to my sad Mummy before they leave._

_“This is the only way, my dear, you know it. He’s so weak not only physically but mentally as well. He could never live a normal life and do what normal people do, he could never interact with anyone other than us, never go to university, never fall in love with a woman. It is the best for him as well…His suffering will end at least.”_

_Uncle pours the content of the can on the floor and everywhere around us. I believe it is water because of its clear color, although it smells strange. I don’t like the scent of it, it smells strong and disgusting._

_“Okay, Brahms… You need to light this candle after I close the opening to be able to see in the dark, alright?” Uncle gives me the big candle and a pack of matches. “You know how to light a candle, don’t you?”_

_“Yes, Uncle.” I nod with a serious face. I’m trying my best to act like a grownup and cooperate. They’re trying to save me after all._

_“Good boy.” He praises and leaves a kiss on my forehead._

_“You’ll come back for me after the policemen leave, right Uncle?” I ask, my heart beating fast as I think about staying here in the dark attic for too long._

_“Of course we will.” He answers with a sad smile on his face and climbs down the stairs._

_I stay on my own with the candle and the matches in my hand. There’s just enough light coming inside through window to see what I need to see._

_But I don’t want to see the rest. I’d like to wake up now!_

_Come on, wake up, wake up, WAKE THE HELL UP!_

 

My eyelids finally popped up as my brain managed to escape from the dream world my brain had created but yet, my relief was nowhere. It didn’t feel like waking up from a nightmare which wasn’t really a surprise since I knew exactly that it wasn’t only a nightmare. It was the bare truth about my eighth birthday, the day when everything changed.

I was gasping for air, my heart pounding madly and my body was covered in sweat. The only comforting thing was the warm, soft body lying under the covers next to me and the slow, regular snuffle she was making.

I got rid of my wet shirt, then reached for the glass of water and drank a few big sips. I snuggled up on Alison’s chest after that, organizing her arms around my naked upper body carefully so I wouldn’t wake her up. My poor Alison was sick and I didn’t want to distract her rest. I hugged her tight and buried my face into the crook of her neck, the only place I was always able to find comfort.

It was a wise choice to sleep in her bed tonight.

I kept fighting against sleepiness, hoping I wouldn’t fall back asleep but I quickly lost the battle. Soon I found myself in my real life nightmare again.

_I’m scared, feeling like monsters are watching my every move from the dark, dusty corners but I try to focus. I need to be a good boy and do as they told me to do. I need to light the candle. Maybe it’ll scare away the monsters._

_I place the candle on the floor and attempt to light a match. My first attempt isn’t successful so I take another one, scratch the rusty brown head on the side of the tiny box in a quick motion. This time I manage to do it, after the popping sound a small flame appears. I put the box down on the floor and takes the white candle in my hand instead._

_I light the candle wick._

_I’m feeling a hint of pride that I could be good and do what Mummy and Daddy told me to do. I throw away the used match, smelling the pale smoke leaking from its head. I’m standing there in the middle of the attic with the candle in my hand, still feeling scared though, checking all the dark objects in the crowded place for potential monsters._

_I think about Emily. The sound of her skull crushing and her motionless body on the dirty ground. I hurt her bad, very bad. She was always so annoying and energetic but after I’d hit her she never moved again. For the first time ever she seemed so weak, so calm and so… dead._

_Emily is dead._

_I killed her, I heard the grownups whispering it. I don’t entirely understand what it means to kill somebody but I know that she will never be able to play again, or do anything at all because of me. Maybe they will put her body in the ground like they do to dead people._

_My stomach starts to feel horrible and a dark, heavy sensation spreads somewhere in between my tummy and my heart. A horrible remorse. I hurt her really bad. A single teardrop leaves the corner of my eye, rolling down my cheek. I want to wipe it away with the sleeve of my shirt and I realize I don’t want to hold the candle anymore, I need to put it down. That old, wooden shelf over there will make it…_

_I place the candle on it._

_I hear my own scream as I suddenly fall on my back after the entire shelf flaming up, I even lose my ability to see for a while. The next moment I feel the most dreadful pain on the right side of my face. Never in my life have I felt such pain._

_I’m not sure I’m crying from the unexpected pain or from the shock but all I can do is to start screaming for Mummy. When I’m finally able to see again, I notice that almost everything is burning around me, the whole attic is covered in flames._

_“Mummy! Mummy!” I panic and start to cry harder, trying to open the attic’s door but it’s locked. “Help me, Mummy!”_

_The air is getting unbearably hot, my body starts to sweat and I can smell the freshly burnt flesh of my cheek. I let out a loud scream again as something big crushes onto the closed opening, I manage to climb away just in time, avoiding the burning object to land on me._

_I breathe in the thick, grey smoke over and over again, coughing as I feel it bruising my throat. I flinch away from the spreading flames as far as I can and I know that’s it. There’s nowhere to hide from the fire and I’m going to burn alive. I hug my knees, trying to cover my burnt head while crying, screaming and choking on smoke when I suddenly recall the secret passages inside the walls._

_I remember how I found an opening to the attic not too long ago and I wasn’t brave enough to climb inside the dark, monstrous place. But it has to be on the opposite side of the attic so I pull myself together, trying to find all the remained strength in me. I drag myself in the direction of the secret door. It isn’t really hidden like the other openings in the house so luckily it isn’t too hard to find._

_I find it soon, it’s right there._

_I manage to escape in the last moment before a part of the girder collapses and the entire attic flames up in fire._

_I climb into the passage, standing up right away and start to run while coughing and gasping heavily. I feel like I need to be as far from the fire as possible. The next moment I hear a loud explosion, the ground trembles under my feet and I have to hold on to the wall to keep my balance._

_I bump into a metal ladder, going only up but I don’t think or hesitate, I climb up and find another opening upstairs I’ve never found before. I open it and walk into some kind of secret room or bunker. I notice a bed next to the bricked wall and I manage to drag myself to it before I pass out._


	71. Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> I have a fresh chapter for you guys. Enjoy! :)

I woke up for my own cough. My throat was dry and I felt the urge to drink something. It was early morning, right before sunrise. I reached for the glass of water on the nightstand and drank, realizing that I was feeling much better compare to last evening, I wasn’t sweating nor freezing anymore, my forehead wasn’t burning up with fever. Something was missing though and I needed a few second to figure out that Brahms had put me in bed last night and he’d stayed with me, holding and caressing me until I fell asleep.

_Where did he go?_

He’d never left me other times we’d fallen asleep together in each other’s arms so I found it a little weird. I took another sip of water when I heard a silent sniff from the opposite corner of the room. I wiped the sleepiness from my eyes and tried to see it better in the half-light of the early winter morning.

I jumped a little when I noticed a figure curled up in the corner, hugging his knees to his chest. I put down the glass immediately and climbed out of bed.

“Brahms?” I whispered but he didn’t answer. He wiped his eyes with his hand and that was the moment when I realized that tears covered his entire face.

“What’s going on?” I asked in a slight panic as I sat on the floor in front of him.

He quickly wiped the rest of his tears as if he was trying to pretend he wasn’t crying at all. I noticed he wasn’t wearing any shirt, his upper body was completely exposed.

He brushed a long, dark curl away from his forehead that reached his now pink gaze and prevented him to see me properly. He still didn’t say a word, only stared at me with a devastated look which totally freaked me out. We’d been sitting there in full silence for a while until he was ready to talk.

“You were right.”

That was all he said and the contradiction between his desperate, tearful eyes and the dry, factual voice he was talking in scared me to death. I knew there was something horrible going on and the awful feeling gave me stomach cramps right away.

“About what?” I stuttered, trying to recall our conversation from the previous evening.

I went to his lair to tell him what the aunt had said about his parents trying to murder him by setting him on fire. I looked at Brahms with terrified eyes, a giant lump growing in my throat.

“Tell me it’s not what I think it is…” I said, tears gathering in my tired eyes as well.

When Mrs. Heelshire told me those dreadful things I honestly bought every single word. But after sleeping a few hours and clearing my head from fever, a part of me hoped that it was only the imagination of a mentally unstable old woman and nothing more. Trying to burn you child alive… It was simply too horrible to be true.

“It’s all true.” Brahms whispered, the words almost rolling through his lips, the words too heavy to bear.

I didn’t know what to say, I was in shock. _So it is true. Brahms’ parents wanted to murder their eight year old son._

“Do you remember how it happened?” I asked carefully after a minute of staring at each other, my gaze reflecting dismay and Brahms’ eyes filled with pure sadness.

“I’ve always remembered it.” He murmured. “I just… managed not to think about it… I convinced myself they loved me and they… made it up to me by taking care of me for so long.”

I clenched my eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath, trying to stay calm and not to freak out from the intense emotions.

“Do you remember everything from that day?” I asked.

“No.” Brahms said. “Only from the part where I’m trying to find them with… the rock in my hand. I tried to remember when I was in the dream I had last night so I could explain them why I did what I did but… I couldn’t.”

“Will you tell me what happened after you tried to find your parents?” I asked.

Brahms lowered his head and I knew that he didn’t want to tell me the story but I just couldn’t let it go anymore.

“I know it’s horrible.” I pushed him carefully. “But I promise it will be at least a tiny bit easier if you talk it out to someone.”

I sensed that he needed to find some more strength in him to share his terrifying memories with me and I waited patiently.

He told me everything after, keeping his head low and his gaze fixating the floor instead of my eyes the whole time. I was listening to him silently, trying to invisibly wipe the tears that gathered in my eyes from time to time. It was just too much, too disturbing and I was close to lose it when he told me how he’d been screaming for his mother.

I tried to suppress my emotions though, I convinced myself that if Brahms didn’t cry then I wouldn’t have the right to do it either.

“I… I saw a bed in the secret room so… I… I dragged myself there and passed out from… fro-om the pain…” He stuttered and his voice started to shake more, then simply faded as he sniffed his nose repeatedly.

“It’s okay, Brahms.” I stammered. “You’re allowed to cry. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

He shook his curly head and clenched his lips, fighting against his tears.

“It’s okay. I’m here for you.” I told him silently.

Suddenly he looked up from the floor, right into my equally wet eyes.

“They never loved me, Ali. They never did.” He blurted out and broke the very next second, couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. I didn’t hesitate, not for a moment. I climbed next to Brahms and hugged him, letting him press his face against the top of my head and his tears soak into my hair.

I didn’t hush him or tell him fake, comforting words, I was only holding him tight while he was crying.

I’d imagined several times how it would be when he’d finally let his repressed pain free but it was nothing like I’d expected. He wasn’t hysterical, didn’t scream or anything close to that and it wasn’t scary at all. It was just incredibly sad and heartbreaking, making me cry with him a little as well.

When he was done, I stood up and brought some tissues for him. We climbed back into bed and I tucked his shirtless body in, then started to caress his burnt cheek. It was a brand new feeling because now I knew exactly how he’d gotten his scars. It wasn’t the right time to tell him but I had to admit to myself that I loved and respected his scars. He wouldn’t be _him_ without those, they made him who he really was. A warrior.

“You’re such a strong boy, Brahms. Such a strong _man_.” I told him silently while I was staring into his tormented eyes.

I was now fondling his messy but soft hair to make him feel loved and safe as much as possible.

“What happened after?” I asked in a careful voice. “After you woke up in the lair.”

He looked away from me again, trying to recall the rest of the story.

“I woke up for this awful thirst. And burning pain…” He started. “The pain was so severe that I think I started to cry right away. It was almost unbearable, like my face was still on fire. I couldn’t really think clearly, just wanted some water so I walked to the sink I found and drank… I held my face under the tap as well to relieve the burning pain, not that it helped… But then I… I looked into the mirror.”

Brahms took a small break and swallowed hard, his eyes reflecting dismay.

“The glass was dirty and obscure but I could still see… someone that wasn’t me. I saw a person with an opened face, I could see blood and damaged flesh everywhere… Even some black parts… And I noticed that a part of my skin was washed down by the running water… into the sink… It was the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen, Ali.”

I kept stroking Brahms’ hair to encourage him.

“I remember that I got sick even and just couldn’t stop crying.” He continued. “I wanted Mummy so much so… I tried to find her. It must’ve been night time, the house was empty, only my parents were there. I found them in the living room… They seemed devastated. I remember them sitting on the sofa silently. Mummy was staring into nothingness with these empty eyes and Daddy was drinking… whiskey, I guess. I wasn’t watching them for long because I was in pain and felt so sick, I just called for them from the walls.”

“They must have believed they heard a ghost. Or their guilty conscious.” I shook my head. Words couldn’t describe how disgusted I felt about the action of the Heelshires.

“I think so.” Brahms nodded weakly. “They both jumped from their sitting place. Then I climbed out of a secret opening… Daddy dropped the glass so it shattered and I think Mummy fainted. She fell on her knees in front of me. I thought their reaction was out of joy because I survived…”

Brahms grimaced, his voice as bitter as the most repulsive medicine in medical history.

“They treated my wound after and… I’d really like to forget it, Alison. I honestly believed that I was going to die and passed out every single time they did it. I told them how I escaped from the fire and they moved me into the lair a few days after. It was a long process to heal and I only remember the pain and the constant wound cleaning and bandaging process. I was given a lot of pills as well until my face slowly recovered. I mean, I felt healthy again but not whole… Every time I looked in the mirror I saw a repulsive monster.”

“I hope you know now that you don’t look like a monster, Brahms.” I told him but he just stared at me with sad eyes. “You’re so hot… regardless of your scars.”

“Hot?” Brahms asked and he placed his palm on his forehead.

“Not literally. It means… sexually attractive.” I said with an embarrassed face. “God, I forgot you didn’t know what these slang words mean. It wasn’t appropriate to say something like that, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright, Alison. I’m glad that you find me… hot.” He frowned, some sparks of life reappearing in his gaze which was a good thing at least.

I stayed quiet from embarrassment by my own words, waiting for the ground to open up and swallow me.

“How did your parents treat you after everything they’d done to you?” I asked finally.

“I believe they were scared of me.” He answered. “They were basically begging for my forgiveness every single day. I asked Mummy why she hadn’t helped me and she said she couldn’t hear me. They told me that I needed to stay hidden in the passages and got the doll to distract people but you know… it soon became much more than a distraction. After my wounds were getting better they stopped visiting me so often. They told me that it was dangerous and we needed to communicate through the doll. Mummy did everything for me, Daddy was rather quiet and distant. He rebuked me through the doll when I wasn’t behaving. When Auntie and Uncle visited me, I was required to stay quiet and sit in my new room. They never learned the truth about me being alive.”

“You didn’t really understand, did you? That they… you know…” I stammered. I was sure little Brahms didn’t realize that their parents tried to kill him.

Brahms shook his head.

“No… Not until my late teenage years. I was busy with the awful physical changes that we discussed the other day… A few years later I had a nightmare… The same as last night and that was when I realized what had happened. I was sad and shocked but I convinced myself they’d changed. I told myself I needed to be a good boy and got obsessed with the rules because… I felt that they loved me while they were sticking to my schedule and organizing their life around me. And when they missed a point, I became very angry… Throwing tantrums, messing with their things… I made Daddy furious several times but after I grew so big he never came into my room to shout at me face to face. He was probably scared of me.”

We were lying under the cover, holding each other for a bit longer while I was trying to adjust to the things he’d shared with me when something popped into my mind. A thought that had been bothering me the whole morning.

“Brahms… What about your uncle?” I asked.

“What about him?” He asked back.

“I don’t know, it sounded to me as if he was the one convincing your parents to kill you… Not that they were less innocent but still.” I explained.

“I gave a second chance to my parents, why couldn’t I do the same for Uncle?” Brahms frowned.

“But they’re gone now…” I answered carefully. “Your uncle’s still here. I’m not pleased with the idea of living with a child murderer.”

“I don’t think he’s dangerous but even if he was I wouldn’t let him hurt you.” Brahms said.

“I’m not scared for me.” I said. “At least not from him. But I don’t know, Brahms… There’s just something fishy about him. About them all. Even Max… Mrs. Heelshire said something about him... not being good to girls.”

“They’re the only family I have.” Brahms whispered, avoiding my eyes.

“Really?” I pulled a hurt face at him.

“Other than you, of course.” He corrected himself and kissed me on the forehead. “And Frank, the snowman but sadly, he’s going to melt soon.”

I let out a small chuckle and Brahms did the same.

“You rarely joke but when you do your jokes are quite funny.” I praised admiringly.

“Let’s sleep a little longer.” Brahms yawned and closed his weary eyes, hugging me to his chest.

I did the same, pulling the covers on me, knowing that regardless of the joke he’d made, this was going to be a hard day for the both of us. Especially for him.

“Ali?” I heard his exhausted voice.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“I love you.”

That was the first time he said those three words, making me finch a little bit in his arms. It was so new to hear him say that he loved me. I made a tiny smile automatically, keeping my eyes closed as I spoke to him one last time before falling back asleep.

“I love you too, Brahms.”


	72. It Always Starts with the Tiniest Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I brought you this short chapter today. I think it's very important because it builds up the base of the storyline but I promise the next one's gonna be long and more interesting. Enjoy! :)

The Heelshires insisted to me staying in bed for another day, even if I tried everything to convince Mrs. Heelshire that I felt better. He sent me back into bed, made herbal tea for me and told me stories about her childhood and younger years. I found them very interesting but no matter how hard I was trying, I couldn’t get Brahms’ words out of my head. It was hard to think of anything else than the screams of this woman when child Brahms was ripped out of her arms and how she supposedly couldn’t handle the guilt and the shock so lost her mind not long after the horrifying day.

Not to mention Mr. Heelshire… Every time he walked into my room to check upon me or when we bumped into each other in the kitchen, I felt this sudden rage building up in me. Brahms might have forgiven to him but for me it was impossible to look at him the same as before. _If you did something so cruel once, is it realistic to change from a monster to a normal, kind-hearted person? Is it even possible? Is he capable of feeling empathy at all?_

I was obviously pretending that everything was fine but my thoughts were rumbling inside my head about this crazy family from morning to nighttime.

*

It was late afternoon when Mrs. Heelshire had another “episode” when she got lost in her own head, sitting in the rocking chair in her bedroom, staring at the wall with the doll in her lap. She was completely senseless for the world around her and I never attempted to bother her when it happened.

I was feeling better though and decided to use my more positive mood to clean my up in my room. I threw away the used tissues, changed the sheets and took the empty tea mugs downstairs to wash them.

I was changing back the clean sheets when my bare toes touched something on the floor. I got on my knees to check what it was and I noticed I’d stepped on the local newspaper which was resting halfway under the bed.

I recalled how Brahms had been reading it in his lair two days ago when I’d visited him. I also remembered how I’d gotten it from his, taking it with me to my room, dropping it on the floor and completely forgetting about it even being there.

I took the papers in my hand and sat on the bed. I spent the next ten minutes with scrolling the pages, looking over the titles of articles, then slowly making big yawns. I had no idea why Brahms found these papers interesting enough to read them every week, there was literally nothing interesting going on in a small town like this. Articles about local markets, churches, events… Some news from the big world, business stuff, blah blah blah and that was basically it every week.

_He must be really bored to find this entertaining. I should probably get him some new books to read…_

I was just about to throw the papers away when a picture caught my eyes. It was a photo of a pretty, redhead woman with a wide grin on her freckled face.

_“Memorial for Missing Woman Jessica Holt?”_ The title said.

I raised my eyebrows high as a snippet from the conversation with Mrs. Heelshire popped into my mind about the young redhead Mr. Heelshire had an affair with around the time Max was born. The aunt also mentioned that the girl had been gone for a long time.

I let out a humming sound. _Maybe there is something interesting after all…_

I read the short text carefully. It was about this woman called Jessica Holt who disappeared twenty-five years ago, more exactly one week before Brahms’ eighth birthday. No one had ever heard from her since then and nobody knew what had happened to her or where she’d gone. She had an older sister who was thirty-one when Jessica disappeared and even if after all those years, she still couldn’t let go of her sister’s memory.

The article was mainly about that the sister, Mary wanted to create a memorial for the twenty-fifth anniversary of her sister’s disappearance but the town wasn’t really happy about the idea. She’d been fighting for the permission to build the memorial anyway and raise awareness about the unsolved mystery of Jessica’s disappearance since the young woman seemed to be sadly forgotten by the town.

*

“Have you seen this article?” I pointed at the page when Brahms visited me in the evening.

“Yes, I have.” He nodded.

“And? What’s your opinion about it?” I asked while examining his face.

“Nothing.” He frowned, clearly not understanding where I was going with my questions.

“Isn’t this woman familiar to you?” I asked another one, shoving the picture beyond the article to Brahms’ face.

“No, Alison.” He shook his head a little impatiently. “Why are you interested in this article so much?”

“Because…” I murmured. I decided not to tell him about his uncle having an affair around the time of his horrendous birthday. Even if I was hundred percent convinced about Mr. Heelshire hiding something, I was happy about Brahms being capable of forgiving him. I didn’t want to shock the tormented soul with another one of his uncle’s sins so I decided to keep it as a secret. At least until I find out more about Jessica’s disappearance.

“I’m listening.” Brahms urged me.

“Because your aunt mentioned the case of Jessica Holt to me the other day. And I wondered if she ever met her. Or if _you_ ever met her.”

“Me?” Brahms frowned. “This is the first time I see her face.”

I let out a loud sigh from disappointment. I was hoping that Brahms might tell me something new about Jessica. I had no idea what I was expecting to find out but my criminologist intuitions told me I needed to go after the missing girl’s story and as usual, I didn’t talk back to my intuitions.

Suddenly, we both pinned around in the direction of the door when we heard footsteps coming from the hall.

“You need to leave.” I whispered to Brahms but he was still staring at me motionless as if he was waiting for something.

“What are you doing? You need to go now.” I told him.

“Kiss.” He reminded me that he wouldn’t leave without fulfilling his beloved tenth rule.

I did so, kissed his lips quickly but he snaked his arms around my waist, not allowing me to break the kiss for a few long seconds.

“Brahms…” I muffled against his lips in panic to warn him that his relatives would open the door any moment.

He finally let me go with a small smirk on his face and then hurried into the closet, disappearing the last moment before the Heelshires stepped into my room.

“We wanted to see before going to bed if you’re feeling alright, Miss Heikki.” Mr. Heelshire said. “Are we interrupting?”

“No, of course not.” I shook my head, my heart pounding. “I was just getting ready for bed. Thank you for checking on me.”

“Of course, dearie.” Mrs. Heelshire smiled on her husband’s side. “Brahms says good night, he’s already in his bed like a good little boy.”

I smiled back at her but my eyes sneaked onto Mr. Heelshire then. I couldn’t miss noticing how the old man was quickly moving his ice-blue gaze through my entire room, even frowning a little. _I hope he didn’t hear me talking to the real Brahms…_

But Mr. Heelshire put on his tender smile the next moment. He told me how glad he was that I was feeling better, then left my room, supporting his wife with his arm around her waist.

I let out another sigh – a pretty relieved one this time – and threw myself onto the soft covers. I started to fixate the ceiling with my eyes, wondering how long I could keep doing this, secretly hooking up with the allegedly dead man living inside the walls.


	73. Coward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Falling in love is beautiful but absolutely terrifying.
> 
> I think I told everything with this one sentence, why should I write a whole chapter about it, right? Haha, kidding, of course one sentence isn't enough. :D Enjoy!

“Are you finished?” I asked Brahms.

“Yes…” He mumbled, staring into emptiness.

“You barely touched your food.” I pointed at his plate.

“I ate half of it.” He shrugged.

We were sitting at the kitchen table, having dinner together. Fortunately, Mr. “Creepy” Heelshire left for two days to meet Max and take care of some business issues so I was left with Mrs. Heelshire, Brahms the doll and Brahms the man. The great trio.

Since the aunt was already sleeping we decided to have a late evening dinner with Brahms. I had at least, he only ate a little then continued staring in front of him, sinking into his head. I noticed he’d been acting strange lately, his green eyes had this dreamy fog on them and he refused to eat, only playing with the food most of the time. I could’ve believed it was because of the horrifying truth he finally admitted about his parents and uncle but he’d started to act weird already before that night.

“You’ve been eating so little lately… like you were an actual eight year old.” I frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know…” Brahms murmured. “My stomach’s been acting strange.”

“Are you sick again?” I asked in a worried voice after taking his plate and throwing away the rest of his leftover. “Has the flu decided to attack your stomach this time or what?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” He answered.

“Does it hurt?” I asked him, walking closer to him. I placed my palm on his forehead to check his temperature but it was fine.

“It doesn’t hurt.” He answered, his voice confused. “It just feels strange. I can’t really explain.”

“Do you have any other symptoms?” I asked, looking into his eyes. He was almost as tall as me in his sitting place so it wasn’t too hard to look straight at him. I took his hand in mine and I frowned in surprise as I realized that his hand was sweating as if he was nervous or overexcited.

“My heart’s beating faster all the time. Sometimes I feel like it’s hard to breathe… And there’s this strange sensation in my belly like… I’d be excited all the time.”

He’d shaken his head in dismay before he continued.

“And my mood’s been very uncontrollable as well. Sometimes I feel like the happiest person in the world and the next moment I just feel sad and desperate even. And…” His voice now faded.

I swallowed hard and my heart started to race as well as I heard his other “symptoms”. I finally had a guess what might have been behind his “illness” and it scared the crap out of me.

“And?” I asked, suddenly feeling an urge to run away and hide from him and from everyone.

”And it feels like it has something to do with you, Alison.” He continued. “When you’re around and when I think about you the awful sensation in my belly gets worse. But I think about you all the time so… It feels like you completely invaded my thoughts and it’s driving me mad. What’s wrong with me, Ali? Am I sick?”

_He’s so innocent. God, he’s just so innocent…_ That was the only thought bouncing madly in my head while my heart was breaking into a million pieces because I knew I was gonna hurt him bad. And because I knew he deserved so much better.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Brahms.” I told him but I couldn’t control the shakiness of my voice. “You’re not sick.”

“What is it then?” He asked, staring at me with the purest look I’d ever seen in a man’s eyes.

“I think you’re falling in love with me.”

An electric sensation ran down my spine from my own voice as I said those words to Brahms and it wasn’t the good kind of shivering. It was too wild, too intense and simply too terrifying.

Brahms kept staring at me with an empty and slightly confused look on his face and I was sure he didn’t believe me.

“But… We’ve been already loving each other for a long time, haven’t we?” He frowned in an uncomprehending way.

“Yeah but… that’s different.” I mumbled, trying not to blush or look dumb because hell, I felt dumb when I had to talk about romantic emotions.

Brahms was examining my face silently and my frustration was rising high, I felt more and more uncomfortable in the situation.

“So this is _it_?” He blurted out suddenly.

“What you mean?” I swallowed.

“This is how being in love feels?” He asked, his face reflecting dismay, maybe even a touch of disgust.

I didn’t answer, his question actually surprised me.

“I’ve read so much about falling in love and I imagined it differently.” He frowned again.

“How did you imagine it?” I asked, fixating the kitchen door with my eyes, secretly already planning a runaway route.

“I imagined it being the most beautiful and most special feeling ever. I thought it would make me feel simply happy and joyful.” He answered.

“Well, if you’re indeed falling in love then it’ll get much more intense but…” I explained but I stopped in the middle of the sentence, still avoiding Brahms’ eyes.

“But what?” He asked.

I took a deep breath.

“But it only makes you feel that happy if the other person falls in love with you too. Otherwise unrequited love is the most painful misery.” I gabbled as I lowered my head even more.

My quick sentence was followed by the most horrible silence between us.

“You know what?” I asked when I realized that my hands started to shake. “I need to go and… take a shower. It’s getting late.”

Before I could’ve even flinched from him, Brahms grabbed both of my upper arms so I can’t move away. Our faces were at the same level as he was sitting on the chair and he was so close, that I could feel the warmth of his breath on my skin when he spoke.

“And you’re not falling in love with me, Alison?”

He talked so slowly that every single word burned a hole into my eardrums.

I didn’t answer. I simply couldn’t. I couldn’t even look him in the eye, I was fixating the collar of his shirt instead.

“Look at me.” He demanded, his voice still quiet. He didn’t sound frightening at all, he just sounded… incredibly heartbroken.

I looked into his eyes finally and his gaze seemed even more devastated than his tone.

“You said you loved me, Alison. You said it yesterday.” He reminded me of my own words while we’d been holding each other in bed the previous morning. He sounded almost pleading as if his whole life was depending on my answer.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t give him what he wanted to hear because I didn’t even know what I was feeling. I wanted one thing in that moment, getting out of this conversation.

“I told you that it’s not the same.” I told him, my tone was a little attacking even if I didn’t intend to sound like that. “It’s not the same kind of love. You can’t force someone to love you that way, it’s just not possible, Brahms. Falling in love with someone is… too serious and different and scary and I… I’m not…”

I couldn’t finish what I wanted to say, although I didn’t even know what I wanted to say either.

Brahms’ green eyes told me everything about his feelings though as I was able to identify at least three sad emotions in them. Disappointment, pain and even shame… But what followed was even worse.

He slowly let go of my arms, looking away from my face for a few seconds.

“I’m… I’m going to bed.” He stuttered, avoiding my eyes as he stood up from the chair. Never had I felt so tiny compare to him as he turned around and left without even looking at me.

I was standing motionless next to his empty chair for another ten minutes, frozen into time and space. I knew I broke his heart. I didn’t mean to, I never meant to hurt him but I couldn’t lie to him either about something so serious. And the truth was I had absolutely no idea how I felt about being in love. I just knew one thing. I knew that it was a luxury I couldn’t allow myself to experience for now.

I loved Brahms, of course I did. I loved him as a person with all his flaws and imperfections. I also had feelings for him… Romantic feelings.

_But it’s still not the same as falling in love, it just can’t be. Falling in love is a bigger deal. It’s a serious business, once it happens you can’t just get out of it and turn it back. Once you’re in, then you’re fully in and there’s no way out anymore. And I can’t let myself fall like that, not with him, not this time when everything seems to fall apart around us._

*

I obviously slept terribly that night. The guilt was awful. I dreamed about Mr. Heelshire setting me on fire in the attic while I was holding the Brahms doll in my arms It was talking to me, saying that I should’ve loved him while I could but it was too late now, we both were gonna die.

If the nightmare wasn’t enough, my throat was still a little sore accompanied by a headache. I tried to stay busy the next morning with making breakfast for Mrs. Heelshire and listening to a strong, intense piece of classical music instead of the usual soft melodies I played during breakfast. Mrs. Heelshire even noted with a chuckle that I must’ve been in a fighter mood today morning.

But it still wasn’t enough distraction from my relationship with Brahms and when I caught my stomach slightly cramping by the thought of how I missed the goodnight kiss last night, I knew I needed a getaway from the manor.

I came up with a plan to go to town but I needed Mr. Heelshire to allow me to have a day off. It was insane but I actually couldn’t wait for the uncle to get home so I could talk to him and ask him if I could leave Mrs. Heelshire with him only for one day so I can go to town, visit Rose in the shop and just have some fun after all those weeks of hard work for the Heelshires.

He arrived around ten a.m. and for my biggest surprise he said yes without any hesitation, moreover, he called a taxi for me. I didn’t hesitate either, I quickly thanked him, got my coat and ran to the main entrance, being a little scared that he might change his mind before I leave.

I was hoping that Brahms wouldn’t notice me leaving but of course he did.

“Where are you going, pretty Ali?” He asked, blocking my way after bumping into each other in the lobby.

“What the hell are doing out here?!” I whispered to him angrily. “Your uncle might see you!”

“He’s in the bathroom. I made sure.” Brahms answered.

“I’m going to town. To have some fresh air, maybe it’ll help me heal from the flu.” I said to him. “I’ll be back in the evening.”

“So you’re going out to have some fresh air?” He frowned.

“Indeed.” I nodded confidently. “I might go to the library as well… to get some new books for you to read.”

“For me?” He asked from surprise.

“Yeah, for you.” I smiled innocently.

“There are plenty of books in this house, Alison.” Brahms said, suspiciousness appearing on his handsome features.

_He doesn’t trust me…_

“But I thought I could bring you some new ones. Something written in _this_ century.” I answered and he seemingly didn’t appreciate me covertly criticizing his old-fashioned taste for literature.

“I don’t believe you.” He said suddenly. “I think you’re hiding something.”

“What?” I blinked at him with my big, blue eyes. “What would I hide?”

“I don’t know.” He answered. “I have an idea but I hope I’m mistaken…”

“What’s your idea?” I swallowed.

Brahms leaned a little closer to me, examining my face.

“Maybe you’re going to town to investigate.” He answered.

“Investigate? About what?” I asked, sending him a small, confident smile.

“I don’t know, for instance… about missing gingers you became obsessed with.” He said, his words wiping the smile from my face.

“You mean Jessica Holt?” I asked in surprise, pretending I didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m saying.” He whispered. “I know you, Alison. I know how your brain works.”

“Nobody knows how my brain works.” I told him with defiance in my tone as I turned my back at him.

Brahms grabbed my arm as it was expected and pulled me back to him.

“You can’t fool me, Alison.” He said, his voice becoming a little threatening this time. “I might not know what falling in love is but I’m not stupid.”

His words reminded me of the painful conversation we had yesterday evening and I started to feel a little ashamed. Brahms looked at me as if he noticed how my confidence had faded so he softened his grip around me.

“You better not toy with me, beautiful.” He said slowly.

My heart started to beat faster as he called me “beautiful” but I tried to ignore it.

“Don’t you find it odd that Mrs. Heelshire knew Jessica and then she just disappeared?” I asked after letting out a loud sigh, still determined to keep the uncle’s affair as a secret from Brahms. _No way would I tell him the truth. He’s suffered enough._

“Ali… You need to stop.” Brahms sighed as well.

“That girl might be dead, Brahms.” I insisted and I could’ve sworn that Brahms’ eyes twitched for a second, a hint of fear appearing in them.

“What are you trying to say?” He asked.

“What if… your uncle has something to do with that woman’s disappearance?” I blurted out, being terrified of Brahms’ answer and his facial reaction told me how furious he indeed was.

“Listen to me. You need to let this go, Alison. Find another hobby.” He said.

“I’m a criminologist, investigating _is_ my hobby, Brahms.” I answered and he just tilted his head to the other side in frustration.

“Then rather get yourself a crime book from the library. Promise me, you let Jessica Holt’s story alone.” He insisted.

“Okay, I promise.” I rolled my eyes.

“Good girl.” Brahms said and I automatically stepped on tiptoe to kiss him.

He flinched at the last moment, looking surprised and even a little hurt at me. I didn’t need more body language to realize how inappropriate my actions were after mostly telling him the previous night that I wasn’t in love with him.

“I’m sorry, Brahms. I’m so sorry.” I told him, this time looking straight into his eyes.

“You told me that it’s impossible to control who you love and you don’t so it isn’t you fault, I guess.” He mumbled bitterly.

“It’s not that, it’s just… I’m just scared, okay?” I whispered, knowing that there was exactly where the wall was standing, protecting my vulnerability from the world so I can never get hurt.

“It’s okay to be scared, love. You used to tell me this, remember?” He asked and I found his voice so comforting that for a tiny moment I almost let go and let myself fall but somehow I managed to stay strong and not to break mentally.

Brahms was staring at me a little longer and then slowly pressed his lips against mine. He kissed me passionately without hesitation, moving down my neck after. I moaned in a shaky, weak voice that I needed to go and how the driver can arrive any minute but he didn’t stop for another minute. He then finally decided to finish the kiss by closing me in a tight cuddle.

“I really need to go.” I gently pushed him away.

“How is it going to be, Ali?” Brahms asked after we’d separated, his voice full of insecurities.

“What you mean?” I asked back.

“Well, you know… That I’m… falling in love with you and you’re… you’re not feeling the same.” He answered, his head low and his gaze sad.

“We’ll find the solution as always. I promise, it’ll be okay.” I told him, although I had no idea how it can be solved.

Well, that was a lie because I actually had one in mind but I definitely wasn’t ready for that kind of solution.

_“Coward.”_ I heard my inner voice but I hushed it, said goodbye to Brahms and then left the manor, knowing I chose the badass crime investigator role instead of true love.


	74. Some Secrets Might Kill You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I'm back with a new chapter. Alison gets a partner to investigate with. :)
> 
> Enjoy!

I was walking up the tiny streets of the village after asking the driver to stop at the end of the forest. Although, I had a lot of things to do, I definitely needed a small walk to get some fresh air and figure out my next move.

I crossed the old stone bridge over the creek, admiring the white, sinuous main street leading to the town center. It was a usual January forenoon weather – clear, chilly and moist. There hadn’t been much snow falling during last week but there was still enough for my footprints to be visible as I walked up the mostly hollow street.

I kept thinking of Brahms’ accusation about me coming to town to investigate. I automatically made a grumpy grimace and grumbled a little to myself about the sharp mind of Brahms. It scared me to death how he was able to read my thoughts sometimes and it made it close to impossible to keep secrets from him.

But this time I did lie to him anyway.

I recalled how I’d tricked him only one time in the past, going to his attic to have a look at the family album with pictures of him and Emily Cribbs and my stomach twitched from the memory how angry he got when he found out about me lying in his face.

But nevertheless here I was, lying to him three times in one week this time.

I kept his uncle’s affair as a secret, then I promised him not to investigate about Jessica Holt and… well. The third secret was different but even more confusing and hurtful. I wasn’t only lying to him but to myself as well, hiding my romantic emotions in a barrel somewhere deep in my unconscious so no one can have access to them. Not even me. Yes, it was easier this way. It was much easier than admitting to myself that I didn’t want to live without Brahms, not for a day and that I was just as much in lo…

A sharp grating sound of tires scouring the snowy road with the heavy braking pulled me out of my thoughts and I had to jump so the car wouldn’t hit me.

I was gasping as the driver – a middle-aged man – jumped out of the vehicle and asked me if I was alright. After a few seconds of terror I nodded and even apologized, knowing it was completely my fault.

The man drove away after he’d made sure I was fine, rolling his eyes and murmuring to himself how unmindful youngsters can be, meanwhile I was rebuking myself about my own lies almost getting me killed literally a minute ago.

My brain cells were too busy bouncing between my secrets to notice physical threats like approaching cars and I had to decide then. _I can’t live like this for much longer, I need to get my shit together._

I let out a sigh and tried to earn focus back at the original reason I was walking on the streets of the village. _Jessica Holt._

Like my thoughts possessed magical power, I realized I was standing in front of the local library, exactly the building I’d been looking for. It was standing between the bakery and the pharmacy next to the tiny main square of the village.

I didn’t hesitate much, I crossed the tight road and walked into the old building.

*

I was holding three books, three pieces of modern literature I believed Brahms would appreciate. I’d been walking between the tall bookshelves for almost an hour, being determined to find the most suitable novels for him. _I should keep at least one of my promises to him and get some nice, new stories for him to read._

I’d already noticed the small coffee shop with an internet corner on the first level of the library and I aimed the cozy area with my footsteps. The perfect place to google Jessica Holt.

I ordered a Cappuccino and sat in front of a computer, placing the three books on the table. I took a quick but suspicious look at the people around me, checking if anyone could see what I was doing on the computer. It was early afternoon on a weekday so fortunately only a few people were hanging out in the small library. A blonde guy around my age, sticking his nose deep into a heavy looking book, an older man drinking coffee in the opposite corner while working on his laptop and two old women sitting at a table not far from mine, gossiping about the town and occasionally taking short glimpses at me.

I ignored their stare and focused on googling Jessica Holt instead. It was pretty easy, one of the first results was an article about the beautiful ginger, smiling at me from the computer screen.

My enthusiasm didn’t last for too long though since I found a few more articles about the unsuccessful search for her but neither of the texts were much useful for me.

They were all about this freshly graduated woman, Jessica who had disappeared in mysterious circumstances one week before Brahms’ eighth birthday. Her parents and sister had been looking for her for months without any result, but even after they claimed that Jessica never would’ve left them without a word. I wasn’t able to find any information that could connect the mysterious redhead to the Heelshires, except one article in which the writer was concerned about the tragedies happening in the small town in such a short period of time, including Jessica’s disappearance and the murder of Emily Cribbs along with the death of Brahms Heelshire.

I let out a disappointed sigh as I suddenly caught words from the old women’s conversation.

“I’m telling you, nobody would nurse that mad Elsa and the doll without a good reason. I bet she’s been involved in a romantic relationship with one of those people. For what other reason would such a successful young man visit that horrendous manor so often unless for a girl? What’s his name again?”

“Maximilian.” The other woman answered in a judgmental voice. “Almost as ridiculously posh as Brahms.”

The first lady let out a small chuckle. “I agree my dear. I’m sure you’re right, she must get a thing for one of the Heelshire men. What would be a more beneficial deal for a pretty foreigner than marrying into a wealthy family like the Heelshires?”

“Absolutely.” They continued while sending a scornful look to me. “Although…We all know that the old Heelshire enjoys spending his time with young women as well. Maybe it isn’t the son, maybe it’s the daddy...”

I felt my heart pounding from anger and I was just about to speak up for myself. I was trying to work out a witty interruption in my head that I could throw at the malicious gossipers but someone else was clearly faster than me.

“It’s such a lovely day, ladies. Too lovely to make false accusations about the only foreign guest of our tiny town, don’t you think? Do you honestly believe that she deserves such an awful reputation for taking care of a doll and a mentally ill woman?”

I turned around to see the owner of the deep, familiar voice and I wasn’t happy when I found out who it belonged to.

It was Aaron Vardy. Aaron as the cop and as Rose’s boyfriend.

Surprisingly, even if he was way younger than the two women, they listened to him and turned their backs on me to mind their own – or another defenseless gossip victim’s – business.

“Alison… What a pleasant surprise…” Aaron greeted me in a cheeky tone, reminding me of the high level of sarcasm he’d practiced.

“Nah, surprises aren’t really my thing.” I told him with a small grimace, warning him that he wasn’t the only one with such a special gift.

Aaron made a tiny chuckle at my clever answer and seated himself at the table right next to me, making me flinch a little.

“I can protect myself, you know?” I asked, pushing my chair a little further from him.

“I just didn’t want your feelings to get hurt.” He said so gently that I almost believed his theatrical act that he indeed cared about my emotional wellbeing.

“You know best that my feelings don’t get hurt that easily.” I grinned jokingly at him as if we were old friends meeting in a pub.

“Yeah, you’re right. I forgot how tough you are. No need of my protection…” He continued teasing me.

The last time I met Aaron he took a small roundabout in the woods while driving me home from the Tipsy Squirrel pub. He offered his protection which I kindly refused, not intending to tell him the truth about Brahms being alive. I also found out that night about the policeman meeting Brahms once when they’d been children and the two actually getting along quite well. I hadn’t met Aaron since then, although I heard a lot from him because my friend Rose had been dating him for a while now.

I let out a small but bitter chuckle as I reminded myself that I might be in need of protection actually due to the fact that I’d been working for a child murderer. I tried to shut the disturbing thought out of my mind as Aaron talked again.

“How was your Christmas? All alone in that big castle…” He japed.

“I wasn’t alone.” I slowly shook my head. “I was with my friend from France. I’m sure Rose mentioned it to you.”

“What makes you think that we talk about you?” He smirked.

“Well… We both know that you’re interested in me more than you should be, right? Does Rose know about that?” I returned the smug, trying to ignore the tickling sensation in my stomach, warning me that I was actually enjoying our little sarcastic conversation. I liked that I was able to come up with something smart every time Aaron teased me and that he was just as sarcastic as I was. He definitely wouldn’t get confused easily and I just knew the feeling was mutual, he liked the unstoppable sharpness of my mind as well.

“Does Rose know about what?” He pulled his eyebrows high, pretending he didn’t knew what I was talking about.

“About our secret rendezvous in the woods.” I whispered so no one would hear us. “I bet you didn’t tell her.”

“If I remember correctly we agreed on not to mention it to her.” Aaron’s eyes slightly narrowed, making me grin triumphantly. “You haven’t told her either, have you?”

“Of course I haven’t. You were just trying to protect me. Well, from only an imagined danger but you were led by a good cause after all.” I answered.

“That’s right.” He nodded. “Mm… I always knew you were good with secrets.”

I frowned at him with a defiant face so he continued.

“I knew that you’re the type of person who for sure can keep a secret, Alison. And that’s what makes you dangerous.”

“Dangerous?” I raised an eyebrow. “You think that I’m dangerous?”

“Well, maybe not for others but… for yourself. I think that you’d be capable of keeping other folks’ secrets until all the dirty mess comes after you and puts _you_ in danger at the end.” Aaron explained and I saw triumph in his eyes, knowing he found my weakest spot this time.

I lowered my head a little which probably betrayed the validity of his assumption even more.

“Nice bracelet. Did you get it from your French friend?” He pointed at the string bracelet around my wrist Brahms had made for me, his voice still sarcastic as if he knew I was lying about spending the holidays with Barbara.

“So what's exactly a policeman doing in the library?” I asked, dodging his question.

“I told you I have a passion for books.” He frowned and he was right, he’d in fact mentioned it when he’d told me about his tragically short friendship with Brahms that they’d read books together. “I didn’t know you liked reading as well though.”

“I didn’t. But one can change…” I shrugged jokingly. “I’d been sick and asked for a day off to get some fresh air.”

“Nice.” Aaron nodded. “And Mr. Heelshire let you go just like that?”

“Yeah, it was pretty easy.” I frowned. I was surprised too that the uncle let me go for an entire day without hesitation after all those weeks he’d been expecting me to keep every corner of the house clean all the time.

“So why aren’t you out there in the fresh air then? What are you working on?” Aaron pointed at the computer screen in front of me. He clearly couldn’t take his mind off me hiding something bad.

“Why do you have to be so nosy?” I rolled my eyes.

“Why haven’t you visited Rose in the shop now that you’re here in town, having a day off?” He asked back.

I had to admit to myself that even if this Aaron guy went on my nerves, I found his company surprisingly fun at the same time. I appreciated how smart he was and the thing that someone wasn’t offended by my sarcastic jokes was something I’d been missing for a long time.

I still couldn’t trust him with the biggest secret I’d been keeping about the real living Brahms but I could share some other stuff with him. _He’s a cop after all, he might help me._

“Okay, you got me.” I sighed and opened the search window on the computer, exposing all the articles I found about Jessica Holt’s case.


	75. Partner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a fresh chapter, although it's very short. I don't like breaking them into more tiny chapters but I only had enough time to work on this first part and I didn't want to leave you without an update for too long.
> 
> I don't know if you guys enjoy reading mystery but in my story there's a very strong crime-mystery base of what happened in Brahms' childhood and I feel like it needs to be executed well. Actually, I had two reasons to make Alison a criminologist. I wanted her to be able to understand broken minds like Brahms' psyche but I also wanted her to be able to go after the crimes and secrets of his family. I wanted her to be strong and experienced enough so she could stay on Brahms' side when the truth comes out instead of falling apart mentally. Let's face it, Brahms' only chance for a sane life is someone who's emotionally resilient as hell and not afraid of crazy.  
> Realistically, everything comes with a price though. The "side effect" of this emotional toughness is to be terrified of showing your vulnerability and feeling too intense emotions (like falling in love). But hopefully she'll figure that out soon as her character develops as well.

“Why are you interested in the Holt case?” Aaron asked after quickly checking the articles on the computer screen.

“Maybe I’m just bored.” I shrugged, a slight frown appearing on my face.

“I don’t buy that.” Aaron chuckled sarcastically but at the same time making sure that his tone remained silent so no one can hear us. We were sitting in a library after all.

“This town is too small for coincidences, don’t you think?” I asked.

“What coincidences?”

Aaron kept eying me with his eyebrows high and curiosity sparkling in his warm brown gaze. My sigh was long and deep, almost like a preparation for sharing my crazy theory with the police officer.

“The other day Mrs. Heelshire was giving me life lessons about unfaithful men.” I started.

“And?” He smiled cynically.

“And… She said Mr. Heelshire – I mean her husband, not Brahms’ father – had an affair with a young redhead after Max had been born.” I explained.

“So you think the older Mr. Heelshire fooled around with this Jessica girl? Because she had red hair as well?” Aaron asked without showing any emotional reaction.

“I know, the connection between the two is pretty weak, based on hair color but… But Mrs. Heelshire also mentioned something like the silly girl not knowing what she was walking into and that is doesn’t matter anymore because she’s gone now.” I added.

Aaron made a humming sound as if he was thinking about my words.

“Also, those rude women over there said that the old Heelshire enjoyed spending time with young, pretty girls.”

“I see…” Aaron finally spoke.

“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” I let out a disappointed chuckle.

“No, your assumption’s fairly based, Alison…” He said with a serious face now. “What I’m trying to figure out is why you’d be interested in your employers’ love life and it doesn’t make much sense to me. Unless…”

I honestly admired the sharpness of this guy’s mind.

“Unless you think they had something to do with that girl’s disappearance.” He pointed out.

I didn’t break the eye contact and my confidence assured Aaron that he really got me this time.

“This is a very serious assumption, Alison.” He whispered to me, even looking a little shocked.

“I’m not accusing anyone with anything. It’s only a thought. I know it’s crazy and I know you must think that I have too much time to think while being alone with the doll and a mad woman in that house. But… I don’t think Mr. Heelshire is a good person and I have an awful feeling.” I was shocked as well how desperate my voice sounded.

“Why would you think that he isn’t a good person?” Aaron frowned and I only lowered my head instead of answering his question. _How could I tell him the truth about the fire on Brahms’ eighth birthday without revealing the biggest secret of all? How should I explain to Aaron that I sure know about the Heelshires murdering Brahms without telling him the source of the information?_

“Did he hurt you?” Arron pushed the questioning about the uncle further, his voice filled worry.

“No. He didn’t.” I shook my head. “He’s been actually very kind to me.”

“What is it then?”

I looked up at Aaron, directly into his brown eyes. It was hard to admit but I found something relaxing, something even… _comforting_ in them that I wasn’t able to explain. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to tell him all to get rid of the burden the most horrifying secret of the Heelshire family had placed onto my shoulders…

But I couldn’t.

“I can’t tell you.” I protested. I knew I couldn’t lie to him, he was too smart and it almost felt like he was capable of reading people so I decided to simply ask him to trust me. “I really can’t. At least not for now. Please, don’t ask me more. I just feel in my guts that something isn’t right, that’s all.”

“Alison…” Aaron started painfully slowly. “If you know something… If you know about a crime he committed, you need to tell me. Or someone else who can help. And if that’s not even about you then you’re kinda obliged to tell, you know?”

“I know.” I sighed. “But please let this go. I’m not asking you as a policeman. I’m asking you as…”

“A friend?” Aaron frowned with a barely visible half-smile in the corner of his lips.

“Yes.” I nodded.

I expected him to start teasing me about how I used to see him as an enemy and now I’m asking his help as a friend but he didn’t. He just sent me a small nod, while his face remained as serious as before.

We’ been sitting there quietly, staring at my empty cappuccino cup in front of us when suddenly Aaron broke the silence.

“There used to be some gossiping about the Heelshire brothers, especially about the older Heelshire…” He said. “Most of them were obviously only pub talks but some villagers claimed to see him with younger women… Even with Jessica Holt. Then Emily’s murder happened along with the fire and Brahms’ death so the town found something more exciting to talk about, I guess. I’m not saying these are relevant stories but obviously we can’t be sure.”

“What about Jessica’s case?” I asked. “Do you know something that’s not in these articles?”

Aaron let out a frustrated sigh.

“As you know, I was a child back then when she disappeared. But I remember my father working on her disappearance which was closed as a simple runaway case. That basically meant the girl was an adult woman and must have secretly left to start a new life somewhere else. Although…”

“Although?” I frowned, fixating his face harshly to be able to comprehend every single word he was sharing with me.

“She was reported missing a week before Brahms’ birthday. There wasn’t any evidence of crime but then some time after the tragic birthday I caught my father in his office drunk with an empty whiskey bottle, surrounded by tons of papers and police reports. He never drank, it was the only time I saw him drunk. He was mumbling that what a failure he was and how he failed to protect his town. He also said he could only hope that once I’d be able to forgive him because he needed to protect me first. Everyone else could be second.”

My head started to hurt from concentration as I tried to place Aaron’s childhood memory into the whole picture.

“Do you think your father was blackmailed to hide evidence? Was it in Jessica’s or Emily’s case?”

“I’m not sure. I’m not sure if that’s really what happened.” Aaron murmured. “But later… I looked into the Jessica Holt case while I was writing my thesis during my final year at the academy. I actually studied all the questionable criminal cases from the area. And I couldn’t find anything shady, it indeed looked like an obvious thing. She got bored with the small town life and ran away, that’s it. But I don’t know… It seemed too simple. Almost like… oddly simple. And after Emily’s death and the fire everyone forgot about Jessica Holt.”

“Haven’t you found anything particular in the report that looked strange?” I asked.

“No. I mean…” He whispered. “Her mother claimed that Jessica had always been a rebellious girl who liked to keep secrets from her. She finished her studies but she always talked about traveling to some exotic places far away from England. But her sister’s report was completely different. At least what’s left from it...”

“What’s left from it?” I asked.

“It was only a very short line about the sister being mad and completely broken. It was added that she was hysterical and the rest of her report was stated to be non-valuable due to lack of sanity. It was also suggested for her to be transported to a mental hospital but she refused.”

First, I didn’t quite understand what he was trying to say but then I remembered the article I’d read about the memorial she’d been trying to build for her lost sister.

“She didn’t seem like a mentally unstable person in the articles…” I noted.

“Exactly.” Aaron nodded.

“Do you think that she knows something?” I asked.

“She might.”

“I assume you know where she lives…” I stared at Aaron with innocent eyes and I saw on his facial expression that he already knew what I was about to ask him to do.

“You do realize I can lose my job.” He said.

“If you just drive me to her house that’d be way more than enough for me. I don’t want to make any trouble for you.”

“No.” Aaron insisted in a determined voice. “I wouldn’t let you talk to her on your own, you might terrify that poor woman with those big scary eyes of yours.”

I chuckled at the teasing.

“Besides, this is _my_ town. My responsibility, remember?” Aaron added and I sent him an anticipating smirk.

“Let’s get to work then, partner.” I told him and stood up from the chair enthusiastically. “Let’s go and visit Miss Holt.”


	76. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!
> 
> Another chapter's here. :D I wish Alison and Brahms were able to trust Aaron more. That would be so much fun, they could be great friends, I think... I honestly have no idea anymore what I would do if I were in Alison's place. She's in a deep mess and gets deeper every day.

I was standing on the porch of a small brick house, only its roof was painted with a dark grey color. The tight wrought iron gate was left open, assuring a free entry for uninvited guests. We had to cross the tiny but neglected front garden that was clearly overrun with weeds even if everything was frozen and covered with a thin layer of snow.

We changed a nervous but enthusiastic look with Aaron after pressing the doorbell. We didn’t have to wait for too long, very soon a middle aged woman opened the door for us.

“Can I help you?” She asked with a friendly smile. Her freckles were almost invisible hidden under deep wrinkles, dark circles witting under her blue eyes. The stylish bob haircut emphasized her natural looking red hair and made her weary features look younger.

“Good afternoon.” We both greeted her politely. “We’re looking for Mary Holt.”

“I am Mary Holt.” She answered. “Who are you?”

“I’m Aaron and this is Alison.” Aaron introduced us. “We’re so sorry for bothering you, Miss Holt. We’d like to talk to you about your sister’s disappearance, if you have time for us.”

Miss Holt let us in almost without hesitation, leading the way into her living room. I was a little surprised even if Aaron had expected the woman to let us in easily since no one had been showing much interest in her beloved sister’s case for decades. She was probably happy that someone finally showed interest towards her and her family.

She indeed seemed excited and even served tea with biscuits before joining us in the living room, making herself comfortable in a comfortable looking armchair.

“You’re the Heelshires’ nanny, aren’t you? How is life in that big, scary looking manor?” She asked me with a friendly but curious smile and I saw with the corner of my eyes that Aaron’s face slightly twitched from a suppressed chuckle. He knew how annoying I found that every single person seemed to know who I was as if I was a celebrity.

“Yes. I am. I’m doing quite well there.” I answered with a sweet smile to hide my frustration. I wasn’t ready to talk about myself, I would’ve rather heard about Jessica.

“Do you live alone, Miss Holt?” Aaron asked and saved the day for me.

“Please, call me Mary.” Miss Holt said politely. “Yes, I used to be married but got divorced not long after… my sister had disappeared. My ex-husband couldn’t handle my… so called _obsession_ with finding Jess or at least figuring out what happened to her. I wasn’t always alone since the divorce but never got married again. You young people probably don’t know yet but marriages often don’t work as you’d like.”

“Do you have any children?” I asked, hoping that my question wouldn’t feel too nosy for her but Miss Holt seemed to enjoy talking about her family. She must’ve been lonely for a long time.

“Yes, darling. We had twins with my ex-husband. They were thirty last month… Give me a second, I’ll find you some photos.” She answered and pulled her cellphone out of her trousers’ pocket.

Mary handed her phone over and the next moment I found a strawberry blonde woman and man grinning at us with the Hollywood sign below their heads.

“Are they living in the US?” I asked.

“Yes. They both live in California. They traveled home a few months ago to visit me.” Mary answered. Her voice wasn’t particularly sad, it was rather resigned with a hint of pride. “Bot of my children became great travelers. They actually resemble to Jess, she’s always been an adventurer. She was planning to travel the world during our entire childhood.”

“How’s the memorial’s case going, Mary?” Aaron asked quickly because the woman’s blue eyes became suspiciously wet.

“Not so good.” She answered, now her sadness turned into slight anger. “The town leaders say that we shouldn’t build something for a girl who left our home without a word and never returned. But I think they just don’t want an everyday reminder for the undetected occurrences happening around this tiny town. Like that little girl’s murder… Emily, right? They never found her killer, have they? They assume it was the Heelshire boy but nobody really found out anything. Then her memory went into rubbish just like my sister’s. As if they never existed. They couldn’t even find out what had caused the fire the poor Heelshire boy died in. I’m telling you, the police and the justice system in this town work differently than in the rest of the country.”

I took a short glimpse at Aaron and noticed that his eyes slightly narrowed as Miss Holt made a harsh critic on his father’s job.

“Did you know Brahms? Or the Heelshires?” I asked the woman quickly.

“No, I never met them. They only moved in those posh circles.” She chuckled as if I asked something impossible.

 _Damn it._ I honestly hoped that Miss Holt would know something about Mr. Heelshire and Jessica’s affair, if it indeed happened. But she never even met any of the Heelshires... _Great. Just great…_

“Can you tell us about your sister, Mary?” Aaron asked.

Miss Holt’s sigh was long and loud, filled with the deepest pain and frustration.

“She was the happiest and most energetic person I’ve ever known.” She started. “She was six years younger than me and ever since our father had left us I’d been feeling responsible for her, you know? I mean, I was the older one… She wasn’t only my sister but also my best friend…”

“I have a younger sister too, Mary. I can hundred percent relate to feeling responsible for them. I can’t imagine what you must’ve been through...” I noted after her voice got a little shaky.

“I’m glad that you understand, Alison.” She sent me a bitter smile. “Our mother was a very strict, rigid woman. Her expectations were always high and Jess liked to test her nerves as Mother used to call her mischiefs. She was very independent and wild, even when we were younger. She used to fight a lot with our mom… basically over everything and of course, I had to be the judge in their arguments most of the time. Mother criticized Jess a lot… Her boyfriends, clothes, behavior, everything. Her boyfriends mostly… She was a very pretty and social girl, had a lots of boys around her all the time. It used to drive Mother mad…”

Miss Holt let out a small chuckle as the memories overflowed her but after a second or two her giggle disappeared.

“She told me to look after Jess and try to make a good influence on her so she’d choose the right man… Well, it looks like I failed badly.”

“Why’d you say that?” Aaron frowned.

“She ended up choosing the wrong man. The worst, if you ask me.” Miss Holt answered. “He was married and had a child recently.”

I felt the sudden tension in the air between Aaron and I as we both fixated the woman harder, hoping we’d get the information we came for.

“Do you know who he was?” I asked a little too impatiently.

“No.” Mary shook her head and I heard Aaron let out a silent but disappointed sigh. “She kept his identity in secret. Even from me.”

“What happened?” Aaron asked.

“Jess studied teaching, specializing in helping problematic and disabled children. But after her graduation everything seemed to go down quickly. I remember her getting into this big fight with our mother... She wanted Jess to start working in the hospital at the children’s ward but my sister didn’t want to. She wanted to see the world, travel and meet as many new people as possible. She was a pretty, freshly graduated young woman, she just wanted to have fun and enjoy life, who’d blame her for it?”

Mary had taken a small break before she continued recalling her memories.

“Jess moved away from home the next week. She said she’d found a well-paid job that can be a great financial base for her future travels. Mother wasn’t happy about it because my sister wouldn’t tell her what the job was about. She said her employers asked her to keep it as a secret that she was working for them. So we had no idea what, where and for whom she was working.”

“She didn’t even tell _you_? You were her best friend.” I asked, imagining if Mia kept her job as a secret from me.

“No, darling. She didn’t. I tried everything, I begged her to tell me after I’d started to feel like her job made a bad influence on her.” Miss Holt explained. “She was busy all the time, stopped visiting our mother but barely talked to me either. Her secret job had separated her from us, even from me and her best friends. I stopped nagging her for a while because she truly seemed happy… But then she… She became huffy and even busier than before. That was when she admitted the truth to me. That she fell in love with a married man around the area. She said she didn’t tell me because she felt incredibly ashamed since… the man just had a baby with his wife. She promised me to end the relationship and try to fix everything but then… She just disappeared. One day she met me, we drank a cup of tea in town and she promised she’d fix her life and talk to me every day because I was worried about her. But the next day she didn’t show up at our meeting point, nor did she call... It's been twenty-five years ago. No one has seen her since that day.”

I changed a meaningful look with Aaron. _That’s it. The man had a baby before the affair. It had to be Brahms’ uncle._

Miss Holt’s snivel forced us to look back at her again.

“She would’ve been fifty yesterday…” She said and wiped her tears with the back of her hand.

“We’re so sorry, Mary.” We both said.

“Can we have one last question?” Aaron asked carefully.

“Of course, darling. I’m so happy that someone still cares about my sister in this foolish town.”

“What did you tell the police when they interviewed you about Jessica?” Aaron asked, trying to find out if the police report was indeed fudged.

“I told them everything.” She answered. “Everything Jess had told me about this secret man, their affair, everything… Mr. Vardy interviewed me. He was a really kind man, we talked calmly for at least an hour about my sister. He promised he’d do everything to find her but… you know, other tragedies happened in less than a week. He just became too busy, I assume… It’s just the worst feeling to lose someone like this… We could never bury her and… I don’t even know if she’s really dead and what happened to her. It’s like a never-ending grief.”

I stared at Aaron, my eyes widened. We didn’t need to hear more, although I still had a last question.

“Miss Holt… Mary…”

“Yes, Alison?” She smiled after she’d wiped the rest of her tears.

“The secret job Jessica had… Do you have any idea what it could be?”

“Oh, I had many ideas, darling. Mad ideas… But now I simply believe there wasn’t even a job at all. It was just about the secret relationship with this married man and she was so ashamed that she made up a story about the non-existing secret job. Maybe she felt so bad she indeed ran away from her guilt, who knows?”

*

“That was harsh…” I summarized our visit at Miss Holt’s when we were already sitting in Aaron’s car.

“But we got what we came for.” Aaron said. “At least most of it. I think you were right about the older Heelshire having an affair with Jessica Holt.”

“But we still don’t have proof. We still can’t be entirely sure it was her.” I shrugged.

“No. But we can be sure about Mary’s police report being changed. She wasn’t mad. She wasn’t hysterical. She had an hour long calm conversation with my father about Jessica and the affair. And somebody didn’t like that, somebody didn’t want the town to find out.”

“So they blackmailed your dad to change the report.” I nodded.

“But who?” Aaron frowned.

I looked him in the eyes.

“Isn’t it obvious?” I asked impatiently. “Brahms’ uncle, Mr. Heelshire.”

“How can you be so sure?” Aaron asked, returning my stare.

“How couldn’t I?” I dismayed. “We only know Jessica promised to fix things. She might have wanted to end the affair or even come clean to Mrs. Heelshire… He probably wasn’t happy about it.”

“But the wife knew about the affair, she’s the one who told you, isn’t she?” Aaron interrupted my sentence.

“Yeah, you’re right.” I admitted. “But maybe Mr. Heelshire told her only later, we don’t know that. Maybe he only told her after she’d lost her mind because of Brahms’ death. We have absolutely no idea what Jessica was planning to do. She could’ve threatened Mr. Heelshire, she might have wanted him to leave his wife and marry her instead. She could’ve been pregnant, who knows?”

“What are you saying, Alison?” Aaron raised his eyebrows one more time.

“In any case, Jessica could’ve ruin Mr. Heelshire’s reputation forever. I think he wanted to get rid of her so he killed her.” I answered in a determined voice.

“Alison…” Aaron hushed me, even if we were sitting in a closed car. “You’re a criminologist as well, you know that you cannot accuse someone with murder without evidence.”

“I know…” I murmured. “But this is what must have happened, right?”

“It’s a possibility but no, actually we still don’t know. She could’ve simply just run away to start a new life. He could’ve payed tons of money for her to leave, what about that theory? Why do you have to think about the worst?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right…” I shrugged.

“Slow down a little bit, alright?” Aaron smiled, trying to hold back my enthusiasm. “By the way, why the hell are you so sure that Mr. Heelshire is capable of murder?”

My heart suddenly started to pound fiercely and I lowered my head to avoid Aaron’s eyes.

“Alison…?”

“Because… Because he already did it once before.” I stuttered, sensing that I wasn’t able to carry this burden alone anymore, I needed to tell someone.

“What...? What are you talking about?” Aaron asked and I recognized a hint of panic in his otherwise calm voice.

“He killed his nephew. He killed Brahms.” I blurted out finally.


	77. Trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's so much happening in this chapter and you'll hate me for the cliffhanger, sorry... :D Still no Brahms but he'll appear finally in the next one which is nice because I already miss him. :)
> 
> Enjoy!

It was already dark outside, the windshield of the car was frozen in the cold winter evening. I was sitting on the front passenger seat while Aaron was staring at me just as frozen as the spooky branches around the car, swinging from side to side in the chilly wind.

“What did you just say?” Aaron asked in complete dismay.

“He murdered Brahms, Aaron. And his parents helped him.” I answered, my voice shaking. I was terrified of his reaction but I needed to tell him. I might keep the biggest secret about Brahms being alive but I felt too guilty not to tell Aaron about the crime the Heelshires’ committed. I felt guilty because Brahms wasn’t only a friend and a lover to me I needed to protect. _He’s also a victim of attempted murder and child abuse._ One of those victims I took an oath before my own graduation to protect and seek justice for, no matter what.

He deserved someone else to know about what had happened to him.

“How’d you get that?” Aaron asked, still being in shock.

“Mrs. Heelshire told me.” I lied.

“What exactly did she tell you?”

“She told me that they were hanging out in the garden on Brahms’ eighth birthday with Brahms’ parents, Mr. Heelshire and Max who was a baby back then, while Brahms was playing with Emily Cribbs in the forest. Then Brahms appeared with a bloody rock in his hand. He told them he couldn’t remember what had happened but he might have hit Emily with the rock. They disappeared in the woods and left Brahms with his aunt, then came back and… basically discussed to kill the child because he was too problematic and they didn’t want people to find out that he might have killed Emily.”

I took a small break to examine Aaron’s reaction but he was following my monologue carefully.

“Mrs. Heelshire – the aunt – tried to stop them, basically begging them not to do it but… They took Brahms to the house. The next thing she saw was the attic up in flames.”

I intentionally left out the worst part about what had happened next up in the attic but I needed to tell the story from Mrs. Heelshire’s point of view to protect the grownup Brahms’ identity.

“This is insane. This would be one of the most horrible things I’ve ever heard.” Aaron said with a poker face. “But let’s face it. Mrs. Heelshire is not a reliable source…”

“You don’t believe me?” I asked.

“I believe _you_ , Alison.” He said. “But _she’s_ mentally ill…”

“Because his eight year old nephew was ripped out of her arms and burnt alive by his own parents and uncle!” I lost my temper a little bit. “Besides, she was right about Mr. Heelshire having an affair with Jessica, wasn’t she?”

“God, this is mad…” Aaron buried his face into his palm then stroked his fingers through his short, dark hair.

“You asked me why I believe that Mr. Heelshire’s capable of murder so… here’s the answer.” I said to him.

“But if this is all true about him murdering Brahms…” Aaron started. “You do realize that you’re living with a potential sociopath.”

“Yeah, I do…” I mumbled.

“That’s it? Why aren’t you freaking out? You should be terrified and leave like, I don’t know… _Tonight_.” Aaron rebuked me but I shook my head.

“I’m not scared of him. Even if he’s a murderous sociopath and killed Jessica as well, he doesn’t have any reason to hurt _me_.”

“Has anyone ever mentioned to you that you’re absolutely crazy?!” Aaron freaked out at me. “I can’t let you go back into that house.”

“Yes, you can. And you will. I’ll be safe. Think about it, what possible reason would he have to hurt me? Absolutely nothing.” I insisted.

“Well, I don’t care. I wouldn’t wait until he finds one. I just want to protect you…”

“Why are you so obsessed with protecting me?!” Now it was my turn to freak out.

“Because that’s my bloody job!” Aaron raised the volume of his tone as well.

We’d been sitting there in the car silently for a while until we were able to calm down a little.

“Fine.” Aaron spoke. “But I want you to stop digging. I want you to let this go and find another job and leave as soon as possible. Plus, you need to tell me immediately if something’s off, you understand?”

“Yes, sir.” I rolled my eyes, although I knew he was right, I should’ve left a long time ago.

Aaron cursed a little to himself how insane this town was and started the engine.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“We’re going to Rose’s.” He answered as if that was the most obvious and natural thing to do after our secretly investigating a possible murder.

“What?! Why?”

“We tell her the truth about bumping into each other in the library. We were sitting in there until now, talking about books and your very exciting job, then decided to visit her in the shop. Together.” Aaron summarized our faked program for the day.

I wanted to tell him how awful we are for lying to the sweet Rose but I changed my mind. It was time to grow up and stop complaining, Rose shouldn’t be involved in this mess. It was still more forgivable lying to her than putting her in danger.

So I’d just nodded silently before Aaron drove us to the shop.

*

It was almost midnight when Aaron and Rose drove me back to the creepy, old manor that had been functioning as my home for a while now.

We picked up Rose and went to a restaurant together to eat something. We stuck to our story with Aaron, pretending like nothing unusual would’ve happened during the afternoon. At the end of the day I was able to shake the stress off at least a little and actually had some fun with them. I’d never seen the pair together like this and I had to admit that they seemed truly happy with each other. They were a beautiful, sweet couple.

We said our goodbyes and they drove away, leaving me by myself on the porch of the Heelshire manor.

Suddenly, a strong, tickling sensation forecasted over my belly area that no matter how much I tried to repress it, I’d been missing Brahms and I was anticipating seeing him.

The mental image of dark curly hair, a pair of bluish green eyes and adorable dimples brought a wide grin to my face when all of a sudden I heard a strange noise coming from the woods.

My heart skipped a beat and I pinned around, trying to see the source of the crackling sound. I knew it was the noise the snow made as something or someone was stepping on it but I needed to find out who it was.

“Hello?” I asked with a slight desperation in my voice. Paranoia had been definitely accompanying me since the terrifying theories I’d come up with.

I slowly walked to the edge of the tree maze, my heart racing up in my throat. I remembered how I’d climbed into Brahms’ bed after burying Cole’s body in the woods and for a moment it was hard for me to believe that here I was three months later, willingly walking into the same woods completely alone in darkness to find out who the hell was following me.

“Who’s there?” I asked but this time my question was followed by an actual answer.

“It’s me, Alison.” A pleasant but scared female voice echoed from behind a tree and the next moment a woman’s figure joined the voice as well.

It was Mary Holt.

“Mary?” I asked from surprise, quickly checking the dark property with my eyes to make sure nobody was watching us. “What are you doing here?”

“I drove up to the property not long after you’d left.” She admitted. “I hid my car at the last turn next to the road and walked. I know I promised to keep your visit a secret but I needed to see you.”

“Me? Why?” I frowned.

“Look, I know it might sound odd…” She started and pulled something out of her coat’s pocket, handing it over. “It belonged to Jessica. And I’d like you to have it.”

A beautiful, antique medallion with a thin gold chain was sitting in my palm. I didn’t know what to say, I was shocked by the gesture and by the fact that it was so important to Mary she’d been waiting for me in the cold for hours just to give me the medallion.

“My sister had given it to me the day before she went missing. She said it was an apology gift for treating me bad and betraying my trust. But… I think I’ve been having it for too long. You probably can use it better than I could. You seem like a kind and brave girl, just like Jessica was. Please, take it. It should be yours, not mine.”

“Alright.” I stammered. The whole situation creeped me out and I didn’t want to keep a missing girl’s jewelry but I didn’t dare to refuse. “Thank you.”

Mary sent me a relieved smile and squeezed my hand.

“Take care of yourself, Alison.” She said and disappeared between the dark trees as if she was never there.

I kept staring at her empty spot for a little longer, desperately trying to adjust to the crazy happenings of the day until I started to feel dizzy and my throat sore, my body sending me a memo about still being sick.

_I should go inside, drink some hot tea and lie down to rest. I wonder what Brahms must be doing… Is he mad at me for not being able to answer his question about falling in love with him or not? God, I don’t want him to feel bad, I want him to be… happy. Aaron’s right though, it was insane for me to stay in this house with these crazy people._

_But how the hell can I convince Brahms to leave with me? This is still his home, the only home he’s ever known. Not to mention he’s never left the property in his life, ever. Let’s face it, he might have changed a lot and got far already but he’s still not flexible enough for taking such a big step... Maybe if I…_

“Have you forgotten the first rule, Miss Heikki?”

I jumped hard and suppressed a loud scream as I heard Mr. Heelshire’s voice from behind. I turned around and faced the old man as he was getting closer to me from the opposite direction Mary had left.

“No guests…” He reminded me in a sinister voice after he’d stopped only inches away.

I knew I was in trouble. I could only hope that not as big as I could imagine myself being in after everything I'd found out…


	78. Double Rebuke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.
> 
> Sorry for the delay, I've been very busy during the previous days. I'm actually looking for a job and trying to move to a different country which sucks all the energy out of me.
> 
> I hope you'll like this new chapter though, Alison really needs to take in a lot lately...  
> Enjoy! :)

I tried to say something to save myself, but my vocal cord was just as insecure as my trembling knees. _Was he following me? Was he listening to my conversation with Mary Holt? Does he know that I’ve been investigating about him and Jessica?_

“I don’t know how you know this woman, Miss Heikki but I have to remind you that you’re getting paid to take care of the doll and my wife…” I heard Mr. Heelshire’s threatening voice.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Heelshire.” I stuttered. “I had no idea Miss Holt would come here to see me.”

The uncle was examining my face while I was desperately trying to avoid looking into his ice-blue gaze.

“Why would a stranger give you such a precious gift that belonged to her beloved sister?” He asked sinisterly as he took a glimpse at my palm.

_Damn it._ Everything happened so fast that I completely forgot about still holding Jessica’s medallion in my hand the same way. I quickly closed my fist around the jewelry and noted that the old man had definitely heard our conversation with Mary.

“I don’t know.” I answered quietly. I did everything to try to look innocent but my heart was pounding like a prey animal’s, getting trapped by a dangerous predator.

“Why wouldn’t you spend your free time with a more… _suitable_ friend like that friendly grocery girl?” He asked.

_Was that an insult for both Rose and me…?_

“I did spend my day with her.” I told the uncle a half-lie, secretly begging for the universe for him not seeing me with Aaron to drive to Mary’s house.

Mr. Heelshire let out a cynical humming sound.

“You should go inside and warm yourself up, Miss Heikki.” He said without giving upon the fixation of my eyes. “You’ll need your strength to keep up with your work around the house tomorrow. I have some work to do in town tonight but I’ll be back in an hour.”

I didn’t say anything, only made an embarrassed nod. For a few seconds he actually made me feel ashamed of myself for investigating behind my employer’s back. He might be a cheater but there’s no evidence against him being guilty in Jessica’s murder. Moreover, she might not be dead at all.

I watched Mr. Heelshire turn around and walk away while I was standing at the same spot, completely defeated. Then all of a sudden the picture of the crying Brahms popped into my mind.

Seeing him suffer as he shared the darkest memory of his entire life with me… Imagining a little version of the man I loved, choking on smoke and screaming from pain the freshly burnt wound caused him…

I felt some kind of unknown motherly instinct starting to kick in me the very next moment.

_They_ did this to him. _He_ did this to him. _He_ tricked Brahms, burnt him, took away his entire life and sentenced him into lifelong imprisonment with the scars as an everyday reminder of the tragedy, making him believe every single day that he was nothing but a monster…

_He_ did this to my Brahms.

“Mr. Heelshire!” I called the uncle’s name, toughening up by my own thoughts.

Mr. Heelshire stopped and turned around to face me again but it wasn’t enough for me. I walked closer to him, fear leaving my body second by second and got replaced by anger.

“The woman I met before… She was Mary Holt. Jessica Holt’s sister. I wonder if you used to know Jessica…”

For a second Mr. Heelshire’s eyes reflected pure shock. He’d probably never expected me to have the nerve to question him like this. Then suddenly, the shock turned into a threatening spark in his cold eyes and I didn’t feel that confident anymore.

“Did my wife tell you?” He asked, his voice silent which was actually way scarier than as if he was screaming at me.

“Tell me what?” I frowned, pretending I didn’t know anything about his relationship with Jessica.

He let out a short, devastated chuckle which assured me that he exactly knew that I knew about the affair.

“I made a mistake once, Alison.” He said with defiance in his voice. I somehow found it odd when he called me on my given name instead of the polite ‘Miss Heikki’. “It was a tremendous mistake but I can assure you that I paid for it. I feel terribly sorry for Mary Holt and… I know her sister left because of me.”

I kept staring at Mr. Heelshire. I was surprised. I never expected him to start explaining himself to me, I rather expected him to… attack me or something like that.

“That medallion Miss Holt gave you…” He continued. “Jessica got it from me as a gift. I gave it to her for her twenty-fifth birthday.”

I swallowed as I grabbed at the hard metal jewelry through my coat’s pocket. I wanted nothing else than to take it and hand it back to Mr. Heelshire so I wouldn’t have to keep it. I didn’t want to keep the lost girl’s necklace and now that I knew about who had given it to her I definitely didn’t want to have it.

But somehow a voice in my unconscious demanded me not to give it back to Mr. Heelshire. I might have been paranoid but I had a feeling that it was exactly what he wanted me to do.

“What happened to her?” I dared to ask after some hesitation. “What happened to Jessica?”

“She left.” Mr. Heelshire claimed with a poker face. “My wife, my dear wife already sensed that I… wasn’t faithful to her. I know there’s no excuse for what I did but not being able to have a child for decades made us apart... You’re too young, you cannot understand what we had been through during the years… Then I met Jessica and… she was patient, kind and understanding… I know it was a mistake and my guilt made me tell my wife. But she said she’d known it for a while but… she was too happy to care because our son was finally born. She said she wanted me as happy as she was… That was the moment when I knew how bad I was hurting that woman, the woman I chose to live my life with. So I told Jessica that we needed to end our... relationship.”

“How did she react?” I asked, pretending it was a normal everyday activity to discuss my employer’s love life with him.

“She wasn’t happy first but then she understood it was the right thing to do. She said she needed to leave to start a new life somewhere far away from this place because it would’ve been too painful for her to stay here. She was also scared that my wife would tell her mother even if I promised she would never do that. We said goodbye around a week before Brahms’ birthday and I’ve never seen her since then.”

My stomach made a turn as I heard the uncle mention Brahms’ birthday. The day when he and the parents attempted to murder Brahms…

I hadn’t decided yet if I believed Mr. Heelshire or not. It was a legit story he’d shared with me but if he was a sociopath he could easily make up something like that just to convince me.

“I hope I was able to satisfy your curiosity, although I recommend you to keep that pretty nose of yours out of other people’s business, Miss Heikki.” Mr. Heelshire added and seemingly closed the unpleasant conversation.

“Yes, Mr. Heelshire.” I said, forcing a guilty look on my face. “I’m sorry for being nosy and… of course, you can expect my secrecy.”

“Marvelous. You’re apology is accepted.” He said after some hesitation. “Now go inside the house and please, don’t forget to make Mrs. Heelshire take her medication.”

“Of course.” I nodded and I hoped that I was able to satisfy him with my reaction and apology. “Good night, Mr. Heelshire. Drive safely to town and back.”

He nodded back, then left in the direction of his car. I let out a sigh and hurried to the manor.

*

I quickly took a shower and drank a cup of herbal tea before going to bed. I assumed Brahms had already fallen asleep because he hadn’t showed up.

I was lying on my belly on the bed, already wearing my pyjamas. I was staring at the opened medallion Mary had given to me. I secretly hoped that I would find something useful, a tiny piece of information inside the jewelry and that was the reason Mary wanted me to have it so much. But no… it was just a picture of two redhead girls – Jessica and Mary – placed inside.

I let out another frustrated sigh and closed the medallion.

“What do you have there?”

Brahms’ voice made me jump and hiss from surprise. He was stepping out of the closet and I had honestly no idea how the hell he’d been able to sneak out without me noticing the creaking sounds of his bare feet meeting the wooden floor.

“Nothing. A friend gave it to me.” I answered quickly, trying to hide the jewelry behind me but Brahms was faster.

He didn’t rip it out of my hand violently but he sat down on the bed next to me and reached for the piece of metal.

I could’ve sworn his green eyes reflected dismay for a second as he examined the medallion but I was probably wrong because he placed it back on the bed right after.

“Where have you been?” He asked instead of questioning me about the necklace.

“In the library.” I answered.

“The whole day?” He asked.

“No. I met Aaron there and we visited Rose in the shop, then had dinner together.”

I realized how Brahms’ eyes narrowed as I mentioned Aaron to him.

“He’s Rose’s boyfriend so you have nothing to worry about.” I added to calm him down.

I noticed a sudden hint of insecurity and embarrassment on his face which confused the hell out of me, I didn’t understand what his problem was about me hanging out with Aaron.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him.

Brahms hesitated a little bit meanwhile he was visibly doing everything to avoid looking straight into my eyes.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured.

“About what?” I frowned.

“To make you run away.” He answered, looking like he was genuinely sorry about something.

“What are you talking about?” I asked. “I can’t follow you.”

“It’s probably my fault that you feel like you need to spend time with other men, because, em… Because I told you that, you know… That I’m falling in love with you.” He mumbled.

_So this is what his embarrassment is about…_

I leaned a little closer to him and even rested a hand on his which made me realize that his hands were wet from sweating. Guilt built up inside of me immediately because I never wanted him to feel this anxious about me. That was what convinced me to come clean about what I’d been doing earlier this day. Although, I was still conscious about not telling him that his uncle cheated on Mrs. Heelshire.

“That’s not why I was hanging out with Aaron, Brahms…” I started. “We were… we were doing something… something bad I promised you I wouldn’t do.”

A deep wrinkle appeared on the middle of Brahms’ forehead and disappointment spread in his eyes as he realized what I must've been doing with the young policeman.

“Tell me you weren’t investigating about the redhead…”

I didn’t answer, making it obvious for him that it was exactly what I’d been doing. Brahms’ features darkened and he ripped his hand out of mine with a rough motion.

“I told you to stop digging and let this go…” He gritted between his teeth.

“I know, Brahms and I’m so sorry for breaking my promise.” I said, trying to save myself. “But your aunt mentioned she knew Jessica and I wanted to look into her case a little bit. That’s all. We went with Aaron to talk to her sister and…”

“You did what?!” Brahms’ green eyes widened, not allowing me to finish my sentence.

We were sitting there on the bed, facing each other for a few more seconds.

“You just can’t behave like a good little girl, can you, Alison?” Brahms asked slowly.

“I told you that I’m not a good girl.” I threw a brave comeback at him.

I knew that a few months ago Brahms certainly would’ve lost it after a sentence like that but now he was just fixating my eyes while his eyes were sparkling from successfully suppressed rage.

“I don’t understand why you’re so angry with me, Brahms.” I told him, fighting against my tears. I was exhausted and I hated my whole day. I hated what we had to find out about Mr. Heelshire, I hated Mary for giving me that goddamn creepy medallion, I hated the uncle for rebuking me and I hated myself for disappointing Brahms.

“Because I don’t want you to investigate about missing girls, this is why.” He said angrily.

“But why not? It almost feels like you don’t want me to find out more about her…” I wiped my wet eyes, desperately trying to hide my tears from him.

“I just… I feel like I’m losing you, Alison.” He claimed.

“Why? It doesn’t make any sense…” I said.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Brahms added, leaving me without a proper answer.

I kept staring at him and at least I finally managed to swallow my tears.

“Let’s leave. Together.” I said silently but in a determined tone after I'd calmed myself down a little.

“What?” Brahms asked from surprise.

“We should leave for good. We shouldn’t stay here with a child murderer. Let them have the house, you don’t need it. You don’t need any of it. Leave with me and we can figure out something else. Together.”

I’d never seen Brahms’ eyes getting this big but I knew that he was at least considering my offer.

“You’re asking too much from me, Ali.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to leave. I’m not ready.”

“Will you ever be ready?” I asked but I already knew the answer.

“I don’t know.” He said with a sad but honest hint in his gaze, leaving a soft kiss on my forehead.

He stood up from the bed the next moment, hurried to the closet to disappear in between my clothes, never looking back again.


	79. Bad Girl and Bad Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my Dear Readers.
> 
> I'm so excited about this chapter. It's very long but I didn't have the heart to break it into two because it has everything in it this way. Emotions, a little bit of conflict, smut and a huge secret that you're gonna find out. Oh, and also a short Brahms' POV at the end that I know most of you like reading the most.
> 
> I hope you'll find it interesting and exciting. Enjoy! :)

I probably could’ve been used to occasionally not sleeping well in the Heelshire manor after all those sleepless nights I’d spent with turning from one side to the other in the enormous bed. I could’ve already become resilient to the craziness I’d experienced during the last four months but somehow I couldn’t forget about the Jessica Holt case. I desperately wanted to find out what had happened to her and if Mr. Heelshire was telling me the truth or not.

The uncle kept his promise though about providing me with enough work the next day. I was indeed given so much housework that I was barely able to keep up with my chores. I had no idea if it was my punishment for being nosy about the old man’s personal life, a form of distraction to keep me away from further investigation, or it was simply about his usual obsession with living in an organized, clean house.

Probably a mix of everything.

After the whole day cleaning the house, organizing cupboards, washing, cooking plus following the doll’s schedule at the same time, I literally fell into my bed. Brahms showed up to get his beloved goodnight kiss but I was so rude to him that he rather gave up and left after a few minutes of listening to my tantrum about his uncle being a complete whacker.

It was no wonder I was pissed about not being able to sleep after such a tiring day. I kept staring at the dark ceiling and started to wonder if I could fall asleep easier in Brahms’ arms. _Probably yes._ I felt safe in his hug every time we cuddled, he was so comforting. Not that he was here with me now…

_“Maybe you shouldn’t have been such a bitch to him. Again…”_

I let out a long sigh after silencing the brutally honest voice in my head. I knew that it was right though… I’d been acting awful with Brahms during the last few days, since I’d found out about Jessica and how the Heelshires tried to murder the little Brahms.

“Okay, that’s it.” I said to myself, jumping out of bed and leaving the room in determined motions.

I decided to drink some lemongrass tea to help me relax and maybe even fall asleep. At least I didn’t need to be afraid of bumping into Mr. or Mrs. Heelshire in the kitchen since it was quite late and they’d been sleeping for a long time now.

 

I was taking small sips of herbal tea when I suddenly heard a noise coming from the game room. It sounded like someone would’ve opened something, creaking noises and footsteps.

I put down my half empty mug and silently walked into the other room.

I felt relieved and excited at the same time when I saw the familiar tall, curly headed figure standing in the darkness.

“Good evening.” I greeted him after switching on the lights.

Brahms didn’t said hi back, he was just nictitating in the sudden light so he can see me properly.

“What are you doing downstairs in the middle of the night, Alison?” He asked, bypassing the billiard table to reach me.

“I couldn’t sleep.” I shrugged. “What about you?”

“I couldn’t sleep either.” He answered quickly and I noticed a slight embarrassment on his face.

“Were you thinking of me?” I asked in a seductive tone, regretting it right away as I saw his embarrassment turning into shame.

He didn’t say anything, only looked away from my eyes, fixating the billiard balls.

“I was.” I told him to break the depressing silence between us. “I was thinking about you.”

“You were?” Brahms asked in a cynical voice, moving his defiant gaze onto mine.

“Yeah…” I nodded and brought my face a little closer to him. “I missed you.”

I couldn’t fool him though, he was too smart and knew me too well.

“I don’t believe you. I don’t believe that I’m the reason you couldn’t sleep, Ali. I believe it’s Jessica Holt, isn’t it?” He asked.

I rolled my eyes and sighed in a very much frustrated way.

“Are you sure you never met Jessica when you were little? Your aunt clearly knew her so she might’ve visited her here or even your parents could’ve known her…” I started, still insisting to not telling him about the affair but he interrupted my reasoning anyway.

“Here we go again…” Brahms let out an annoyed, almost furious chuckle. “No, Alison. I didn’t meet that Jessica girl. I never knew her. And I want you to forget about it finally.”

“There’s just something I can’t get out of my head, Brahms… Mary, her sister mentioned that Jessica told her she had a secret job. Right before she disappeared. Don’t you think that’s a little odd? What if she indeed had a job, maybe something dangerous? Maybe it had something to do with your aunt…”

“That’s enough.” Brahms said in a firm voice. “I don’t want to hear any more of this nonsense.”

I pulled a grumpy, almost angry face at him. _Can’t he understand how important Jessica’s disappearance might be?! Why isn’t he listening to me?!_

“I’d like you to focus on something else instead.” He insisted.

“What?” I spat in a whiny voice.

“ _Someone_ else, I mean.” Brahms corrected himself, a pale shadow of embarrassment appeared in the gorgeous green eyes again.

I pretended I didn’t understand the hint he’d given me so he just decided to show me what he meant. He pulled my body close to his and pressed his lips against mine.

I returned the kiss.

It was slow but deep, gentle but hot at the same time. He was gently pushing me against the billiard table, the edge pressed againt the middle of my back. I stroked my fingers through his soft curls and soon my skin prickle with goosebumps.

After a while, I realized that maybe I shouldn’t play with him like this, telling him that I wasn’t ready to love him back in every way it’s possible to love someone but getting steamy with him the next day… Maybe it wasn’t a decent thing to do.

“Brahms…” I said after breaking our kiss. “What do you want from me?”

He looked deeply into my tired eyes, the next moment I was lifted up by him, then seated on the edge of the billiard table, our eyelevel at the same height. I was kissed in a slow, sensual way again, although when he moved closer to me, right between my legs, it was no mystery anymore what he wanted from me.

He brushed his lips on my neck, my soft whimpers letting him know that he was very close to break me.

“Come on, beautiful.” Brahms purred into my ear, leaving small kisses on my earlobe. “Do you remember how good it felt to be together? So close to each other… Don’t you want that again?”

I kissed him in return and snaked my arms around his muscles, letting his hand slip under me t-shirt. I pulled away a little after, just as much as I needed to so I can look into his anticipating eyes.

“No. I don’t want to get pregnant.” I slightly shook my head, although my voice didn’t come out as confident as I hoped.

Brahms’ answer was something though I’d never, ever expected him to say.

“I’ll be careful.” He said. “I promise.”

I couldn’t help but to let out a small chuckle.

_Here we go. Brahms Heelshire is promising me to be careful during making love. It looks like I really succeeded to make a proper man out of him._

“You’ve had sex only once in your entire life, Brahms.” I grinned at him. “Okay well, three times. You cannot be careful, you’re simply not experienced enough to… you know. To pull out in time.”

Brahms obviously didn’t appreciate my little speech about his clumsiness, even if we both knew I was right.

But like nothing would’ve happened and despite of the validity of my concerns, he continued to kiss me, one of his hands in my hair, the other caressing my skin under my t-shirt.

“What if they hear us?” I broke our moment one more time to ask the most obvious question.

“They’re deep sleepers. They never wake up for any noise.” Brahms answered impatiently, moving his hand up my bare thigh in the direction of my pyjama shorts. “So be a good girl for once and stop fighting your feelings.”

His last sentence pressed the alarm button in my head.

_He cannot tell me what to do. Nobody tells me what to do, especially not to be a good girl. No freakin’ way._

“For the last time… I am _not_ a good girl!” I told him grumpily.

“I know that you are.” Brahms purred against my lips but I pushed him away.

“No I am not!” I protested like a five year old who couldn’t have candy before dinner.

I knew how ridiculous I was for making a scene about what he was calling me but I just couldn’t help myself. I’d been incredibly stressed out about everything and I’d been keeping too much repressed emotions.

But Brahms seemingly had enough of my tantrum for one day.

I noticed some new sparks in his eyes and definitely not the good kind. He couldn’t tolerate my ignorant behavior anymore and it made him more demanding and maybe a tiny bit even… violent.

“So you’re telling me you’re a _bad_ girl, huh?” He gritted and I noticed that my confidence wasn’t so strong anymore. “I can treat you like a bad girl if that’s what you prefer.”

I kept staring into his gaze, literally feeling how the rest of confidence was leaving my body. After almost a minute of fixating each other in silence, I decided it was time for me to leave. I felt exhausted and embarrassed for having a tantrum for the second time in one night. It was definitely time for bed.

But Brahms thought otherwise.

“I’m not done with you.” He said calmly after my failed attempt to get off the billiard table.

“I’m sorry for acting out, alright? What else do you want?” I asked him.

He formed his lips into a half smirk as he examined my face. His gaze fell onto my lips then.

“Your lips. I want your lips.” He answered.

_Alright._

I brought my face closer to him, although we were only a few inches away from each other anyway. I tried to give a kiss on his lips but he pulled his head away the last moment.

“No, love.” He chuckled. “Not like that.”

My lips automatically separated from shock as I heard him say “not like that” because now I knew exactly what he meant. _He wants my lips but not like that. Obvious, isn’t it?_

But somehow hearing these words leaving Brahms’ mouth was simply shocking. The innocent Brahms’ mouth who a few weeks ago didn’t even know about the thing he was asking me to do now.

But it was getting even more shocking.

He snaked his arms around me, slightly lifted me up only to help me off the billiard table, down on my feet.

“Get on your knees.” Brahms demanded.

I couldn’t answer, nor could I move. I was completely frozen by his words. He’d been demanding before but never in a sexual context. He always had been the “weaker” and more controllable one since I was much more experienced than him.

But not this time.

I kept looking up at him with huge, scared eyes. The new situation rocked my world and honestly shocked me. _A man demanding me on my knees? The man whom I’ve been fighting with for dominance for months is now demanding me on my knees to pleasure him. Should I do it? Is this my defeat?_

The tiny hint of humiliation was nothing compare to the excitement I felt as I slowly got on my knees in front of Brahms, not breaking the eye contact, not even for a second.

I noticed him checking my facial reactions while he was opening his trousers which assured him that I wasn’t doing as he said because I was scared of him. No, not at all. It wasn’t only _his_ gaze that was filled with pure anticipation. He knew that I enjoyed it the first and only time I’d done it for him.

I watched Brahms pull down his underwear, freeing his hardness for me. I opened my mouth without him asking me to do so, letting him slide between my lips and he let out a long sigh as he felt my hot lips closing around his shaft.

I felt both of his hands in my hair as I started to bob my head on him, tasting the salty drops of his fluid leaking for me.

“Yeah…” Brahms sighed. “Show me what a dirty little girl you are...”

I already felt dirty in the most exciting way possible but his unexpected words sent an electric shiver through my whole body. I loved the fact that he started to understand the point of some of the things he couldn’t understand before. Dirty talk, for instance.

For a while the only thing that could be heard in the nightly silence was the squelching sounds and Brahms’ silent whimpers. I occasionally let his erection fall out of my mouth so I can catch his gaze, staring up at him with wide eyes and caressing him with my hands in the meantime. I noticed that he barely blinked which made me smug a little. The last time I pleasured him this way his eyes were covered with an eye mask, not allowing him to watch what I was doing to him. But this time was different and he didn’t want to miss a single moment of the satisfying sight. Me sucking him off.

I stroked my tongue on his shaft from bottom to top, then took him back in my mouth, enjoying the soft moans he was making from pleasure. My hand wrapped around his manhood to support the bobbing of my head and I felt Brahms’ fingers deepen in my hair, pushing himself further in my mouth. I coughed for a second but the situation was too arousing to care, letting a man control me for the first time in my life.

“You’re so good, love. You love sucking me, don’t you?”

I moaned a “yes” to him and let him fuck my mouth a little rougher, sensing that my underwear was just as wet as his erection in between my lips.

“You were ri-ight, ah… You’re such a bad girl, aren’t you?” Brahms mumbled, seemingly couldn’t stop talking after he’d tasted the additional pleasure his words can give us.

I was bobbing my head on him faster, licking and sucking his entire shaft until his breathing became irregular and his moans wilder. He came with a low toned growl, releasing his salty liquid inside my mouth. I couldn’t deny how much I loved the taste of his cum so swallowed hard until nothing left.

I opened my eyes and looked up at him, our gaze met in awe, still under the effect of what had just happened. I wiped my mouth, still kneeing in front of his crotch and constantly searching for his eyes while he was pulling up his trousers.

Brahms grabbed my upper arms and stood me up on my feet with one gentle but confident movement.

“Let’s go to bed, shall we?” He asked, more like demanded, his voice calm and soft though.

I nodded quietly and we walked upstairs to my room.

 

“Are you staying with me?” I asked after getting ourselves comfortable in my bed, secretly hoping for a positive answer.

“Do you want me to stay?” He asked back with a poker face. I realized that my pleasing performance wasn’t enough to make it up to him for the crazy behavior I’d been throwing at him lately. It was a completely unfamiliar feeling that the more he seemed to be fed up and distant, the more I wanted to please him and get back his love and affection.

Just as I arbitrarily snuggled up on Brahms’ chest, a strange, creaking sound echoed in the hall. My heart skipped a beat because first I thought someone opened _my_ door. But then I realized it wasn’t mine, it was probably the closest room’s door that opened.

The doll’s door.

“Stay here, I’ll go check it.” I whispered to Brahms who was fixating the door with narrowed eyes like a predator ready for the fight.

I tried to swallow through my dry throat as I carefully opened the door and walked into the hall. The lights were on in the doll’s room so it was obvious that someone was in there.

I took slow steps before entering Brahms’ old bedroom.

“Mrs. Heelshire?”

It was the aunt, sitting on the bed, hugging the doll on her chest. I noticed that tears covered her wrinkled cheeks and her blue eyes were pink.

“I had a nightmare and needed to see him.” She mumbled, her voice shaky.

“It’s alright, Mrs. Heelshire. Let’s take you back to bed, okay?” I asked her tenderly, feeling a little relieved that it was only the crazy old lady taking a night visit to the doll.

We laid the doll back into bed, covering it with the heavy covers.

“I dreamed about him growing up and becoming a healthy, strong young man. I came to see him but he was still a little boy…” The aunt wiped her tears while I was leading her downstairs to the second floor where her bedroom was located.

“It’s my fault he could never grow up. Because I couldn’t save him.” She added weakly. “I hope he can forgive me once.”

“I think he’s already forgiven you, Mrs. Heelshire.” I tried to calm her after helping her into bed. I was glad that she had a separate bedroom from Mr. Heelshire’s and I didn’t have to wake up the creepy old man.

“Thank you, darling.” The aunt looked up at me after I’d given her a sleeping pill to help her fall asleep. “You’re the warmest girl I’ve ever met. Much more caring than that redhead who stole my husband…”

My heart started to beat faster as I heard her bring Jessica up again.

“Jessica Holt?” I whispered but the aunt only sent me a half-smile and gently squeezed my hand.

“I wish he’d told me the truth earlier so I didn’t have to find out on my own.” She murmured. “But men like to keep their secrets only for themselves, you know dear? That’s how they are… Believe me when I say that every single one of them hides something from the woman they love.”

I gently freed my hand from Mrs. Heelshire’s grip.

_Not all of them. Brahms would never do that to me. He wouldn’t keep secrets from me. He loves me too much to be secretive, I know that. I can trust him, he’s different from any other men I know._

I said goodnight to the old lady, making sure she was comfortable and tucked in properly. Then I left her room to finally have a nice, deep sleep in Brahms’ arms.

_BRAHMS’ POV_

I still couldn’t sleep, even with her in my arms.

My thoughts were bouncing between so many things keeping my brain busy lately. Her breathing was calm and slow, my pretty girl was sleeping deeply on my chest. _My Alison._

She taught me it wasn’t proper to own another human being but in her case I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to love her hard, I wanted to have her in every possible meaning, I wanted to take her over and over again… I simply wanted to love her, that was all. I wanted her with all the darkness she had in her. She was perfect and she was mine. And only mine.

_Hopefully one day she’ll realize that she belongs with me and she’ll be able to love me back the way I love her. She’ll be mine then. Forever._

But until then I couldn’t let her leave and I couldn’t leave with her either. _What would happen if we leave to the unknown and then she decides to leave me? It would be much easier for her to leave me if we were out of this house, wouldn’t it?_

_No, I can’t let that happen. We need to stay until she wants to be mine as well. Maybe even a little longer, just to be sure._

I knew we were meant to be together, I knew that once we were going to be together, how could it be differently?

That was the main reason I felt horrible about betraying her trust.

I checked his breathing again and when I reassured myself that she was no doubt sleeping, I carefully pulled my body from under her, placing her pretty head on the pillow instead. I slowly get out of bed and left the room through the door.

I felt bad for her but as Daddy used to say, there are some things you’d never want your other half to find out about you. Some secrets were better to stay buried forever.

I walked into the hall and stopped right under the attic’s opening. It was dark but I didn’t mind at all, I was used to darkness. After hesitating a bit, I opened the attic, pulling down the small staircase which led upstairs, hoping that Alison wouldn’t wake up for the noise. I was listening for a while but I couldn’t hear anything so I slowly walked upstairs, closing the opening after myself.

The staircase curled back up and the small door closed but it was alright. I knew how to get out through one of the secret openings into the walls. How could I not know after that was what had saved my life twenty-five years ago?

My heart started to beat faster from sudden rage as I remembered what my parents and my uncle had tried to do to me. I breathed in and out deeply to calm myself down, just like Alison had taught me.

It worked, after a minute I was completely fine. Thanks to my Ali.

Guilt spread inside of me again for lying to her as I recalled how much I could thank to her, how much she’d taught me and how gentle she’d been with me ever since she’d removed the damn screwdriver from my belly. I could owe her for giving me a life, yet here I was, betraying her badly.

_Calm down, you don’t have any other choice. You need to keep your secret if you don’t want her to leave you._

I tried to convince myself about the validity of my choices as I kneed on the dusty wooden floor and opened the small box in front of me.

_Ali, Ali, Ali… The smartest girl I’ve ever known in my entire life._

I let out a long, frustrated sigh as I took the old family album in my hand.

_Smart or not, she needs to understand that there are some things she better not find out._

I started to hum my lullaby in my mind only, recalling some of the secret, hidden memories from my childhood, meanwhile turning the pages of the album one by one. I finally found the one photo I was looking for. The one about Emily and me on my eighth birthday before all the nightmare started. I slid my index fingertip under the edge of the photo, successfully freeing it from the album.

My stomach twitched from guilt as I took a glimpse at Emily’s cheerful face but I did everything to bury the horrendous feeling that tried to invade my chest. It wasn’t time for those feelings now.

That wasn’t why I came upstairs.

I placed the photo about the two of us on the floor and moved my gaze onto the other picture that had been hidden under the birthday photo. After examining it for a few seconds, I took the second picture in my hand, bringing it closer to my face to see it better.

There were two people on this one as well, one of them was me. I kept staring at my eight year old self’s cheerful face. Mummy once said that this was the only photo of me where I was smiling carelessly and wasn’t grumpy. She was right.

The reason of my happy features was the other person in the picture. My best friend, the only friend I had before Alison.

A young, redhead woman hugging me, smiling at the camera.

I cocked my head to one side and gently stroked my fingertips on the shiny photo paper, examining Jessica’s perfect face, letting the memories overflow my emotions.

_Alison can never find out that Jessica was my first nanny. My secret nanny. My friend._

_My Jess._


	80. Apology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know why but I’m a little obsessed with writing scenes about Alison teaching Brahms something new that he could never find out on his own in the walls. I feel like these scenes are very interesting as they're about a man who learned about life only from novels and conversations he accidentally overheard.

The alarm of my phone woke me up the next morning. I turned it off between two tired groans without fully opening my eyes, then turned onto my other side, trying hug Brahms. There was a tiny little problem with that though.

He wasn’t in my bed.

I opened my eyes to search for him but he was clearly nowhere in the room.

_Strange… He always waits for me to wake up in each other’s arms every time he sleeps in my bed. Why did he leave so early? Especially after last night…_

I felt the butterflies going wild in my belly as I recalled what had happened in the billiard room the night before. I never liked controlling men but there was something incredibly hot in Brahms’ confident behavior and the way he demanded me to pleasure him. I had to admit that I’d never been able to let go properly with any men before because of my vulnerability issues and the fear that they’d find my bad girl self odd. But with Brahms it seemed to be different and I kind of found out the other day that I… trusted him. The question was whether I trusted him enough to show him everything. All of my darkness, my deepest desires, dreams, fears and everything that comes with it.

I was still scared that he liked my ‘nice’ and ‘cute’ side better and I’d disappoint him, maybe even scare him off with my crazy, fiery self.

_“He seemed to be able to handle your tantrum and dark thoughts pretty well last night…”_

The pleasing idea of my inner voice sounded like a touch of fresh air and strengthened the tickling feeling in my stomach. _What if he really is the one I’ve been looking for…?_

I swallowed as my heart started to beat fast from excitement and of course, a hint of fear from the new, intense feelings.

 _“Okay, it’s time to get up.”_ I said to myself and got out of bed to start the day.

*

The chores Mr. Heelshire gave me had been keeping me busy again until the afternoon. Then the old man finally got bored with bossing me around in the house and decided to show some mercy on his ‘servant’.

“Thank you, Miss Heikki for your hard work.” He said and I could’ve sworn I saw a half-smirk appear on his face. “I’m leaving to meet my son now so you’re free for the rest of the day. Obviously, you still need to watch Mrs. Heelshire and give her the usual medicines she’s taking.”

 

Mrs. Heelshire was taking a nap in her bedroom an hour later and I finally had a little time for myself. I was sitting on the sofa, relaxing when I suddenly heard someone trying to play Brahms’ Lullaby on the piano.

It was no mystery who it had to be.

“Hey.” I said to Brahms after hurrying into the study room.

He stopped playing with the keyboard as he heard my voice, although he didn’t greet me back, nor did he look at me.

I walked next to the piano chair.

“What’s going on?” I asked, sensing that something wasn’t right because of his sad features.

“I’m so sorry. I hope you can forgive me.” Brahms mumbled in front of himself, his voice weak and even sadder than his face.

“About what?” I asked. I was totally confused about his unexpected apology. “What have you done?”

Brahms finally looked at me with a little frown as if he didn’t understand my cluelessness.

“For what I did to you last night.” He said.

Now it was my turn to frown back at him as I noticed that he wasn’t only confused. He also looked ashamed. I sat down on the wide piano chair in tailor seat, facing him.

“What did you do to me last night?” I asked in total confusion which seemingly made Brahms even more embarrassed.

“Well, you know…” He murmured. “I forced you on your knees and…”

He didn’t finish his sentence but I understood what he meant. I didn’t understand though why he was apologizing for what had happened between us and why would he feel bad about it.

“You didn’t force me to anything, Brahms.” I told him. “I wanted to do it.”

My words didn’t seem to be enough to cheer him up though.

“I loved doing it, you know that. I even told you how much I was enjoying it, remember?” I added.

Brahms looked me in the eyes with even more confusion than before. I honestly didn’t understand what was happening, he clearly hadn’t gotten any problems with going rough on me yesterday while I’d been giving him a head.

“Did you enjoy being on your knees in front of me?” He asked with honest surprise in his deep voice. “Really?”

“Yeah, I guess... Yeah, I _did_ enjoy it.” I nodded confidently.

“But it’s wrong, it’s a bad thing to do to a woman. It wasn’t right asking something like that from you.” Brahms frowned, making my eyes open wide.

“Where’d you get that?” I asked him.

Brahms took a glimpse at me anxiously with scared eyes.

“From my uncle.” He answered.

“What?” I asked in dismay.

“Not directly.” He added.

I was still staring at him in shock so he continued.

“On my eighth birthday I was trying to run away from Emily. I ran in the house to hide while everyone else was outside. I hid under Daddy’s work desk in his office room. Then… Daddy and Uncle stepped inside, not noticing that I was hiding in there…”

I was listening to Brahms carefully, feeling that something very bad and awkward was going to follow.

“Daddy seemed angry. He was telling Uncle that he needed to stop whatever he was doing and focus on his family instead. I think they were arguing about a woman who… wasn’t my aunt.”

I tried to swallow the growing lump in my throat. It was obvious for me right away that they were arguing about the uncle’s affair with Jessica Holt.

“Uncle said he hadn’t seen the other woman in a week and she wasn’t a problem anymore. He told Daddy that the woman was angry with him first for sending her away and she didn’t even want to say goodbye… _properly_ so… he demanded her on her knees to have some… _goodbye fun_ as he called it. Daddy wasn’t happy, he told Uncle that he was really rude but Uncle was just laughing at him. He said that Daddy shouldn’t worry about it, he’d already got rid of the other woman because she’d become too emotional and clingy. In the end though, Uncle agreed with Daddy that it wasn’t a nice thing to do to a woman and that she… hated doing it and only did it to… please him so he wouldn’t break up with her...”

“Okay, I think I’ve heard enough.” I stopped Brahms quickly, my stomach turning from one side to the other. “I’m so sorry you had to hear that conversation at such a young age, Brahms.”

“I had no idea what they were talking about… Until last night. When I did the same to you, Alison. But I didn’t mean to hurt you, I promise I didn’t mean it… I’m so sorry. I recalled that conversation only in the morning and that was when I realized what it was really about and that I’d done something awful to you.”

I let out a frustrated sigh, burying my face into my palms for a few seconds.

I felt truly sorry for Brahms. He had so many false beliefs buried in his mind unintentionally and he didn’t even know about it. I’d been working really hard on erasing the amount of bullshit he’d read or heard but it looked like I still had a few things to do.

“Listen to me, sweetheart.” I looked up at him and took his hand in mine. “You didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t hurt me. You didn’t force me to do anything. I wanted to do it just as much as you did. If I didn’t, I would’ve told you to stop. If you ever do something I don’t like I’d let you know right away, alright? And I expect you to do the same. But to make it clear, I have absolutely nothing against… getting on my knees for you. I want you and… that was one of the hottest things I’ve ever done.”

Brahms still looked confused but at least a little relieved as well.

“Look… I know it might be a little confusing.” I continued and felt the color of my cheeks rising because of what I was trying to explain. “It’s okay to be a little rough during… sexual activities, you know? Sometimes it feels better to be slow and romantic but… sometimes it feels nice to be rougher with each other. There’s nothing wrong with that if it feels good for the both of us. I have absolutely nothing against making you feel good that way. Well, I’m sure there are people who don’t like it and it’s completely fine too. We’re different and that’s okay, you just need to watch your partner’s reactions… Which I think you managed to do quite well. You felt that I liked it too so you kept going. I’m… proud of you for learning so quickly.”

It should’ve felt incredibly odd to praise him for something like we had done last night but it worked. Brahms clearly felt better, even sending me a relieved smile, making the little dimples on his handsome face more visible.

After returning the smile he’d given me, I decided to add something to my monologue, although… It seemed to be a mistake.

A very big mistake.

“Your uncle was a jerk for misusing his power over Jessica and forcing her to do something he knew she didn’t like doing.”

For a few seconds none of us said anything but then Brahms' dismayed voice broke the silence.

“What did you just say?” He asked, turning completely pale.

For a while I didn’t understand what was happening, what I did wrong but then I suddenly realized… I said Jessica. I said her name while talking about Mr. Heelshire’s lover. I obviously knew that she was the woman the Heelshire brothers had their conversation about. But Brahms didn’t know that.

Not until now.


	81. The Secret of the Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. I know I updated yesterday but I've already written the next chapter and I just feel like sharing it with you guys right now. Enjoy! :)

“It was Jessica Holt, Brahms. The woman your uncle had an affair with.” I answered. I believed it wouldn’t be a problem for him to hear the truth since he already knew about his uncle having another woman besides his wife. _Why couldn’t I tell him it was Jessica? He said he didn’t know her, then why would he care anyway?_

But for my biggest surprise, Brahms _did_ care.

“Where did you get that? How do you know it was her?” He asked, panic spreading in his eyes.

“From your aunt and Jessica’s sister Mary and… your uncle admitted to me as well. He caught me talking to Mary the other day so he didn’t have any other choice.”

Brahms was staring at me, his eyes completely glazed as if he was watching a ghost. Then all of a sudden two other kind of emotions appeared in his gaze and they weren’t too hard for me to identify. Pure disgust and rage.

I swallowed, thinking that I was in trouble for keeping the affair as a secret and not telling him sooner.

“I’m so sorry Brahms for lying about my investigation, I just didn’t want to upset you and make you hate your uncle even more. I had no idea you already knew about him cheating on your aunt.”

My explanation didn’t soften Brahms’ features, not at all.

I started to panic but then I realized he looked like he didn’t even hear what I was telling him. And he didn’t seem like he was angry… At least not with me.

His reaction was intense and completely unexpected. He pulled his hand out of mine in a rough motion, jumped from the piano chair but basically fell back on it the next moment from visible dizziness.

“Brahms?” I called his name, not knowing what was going on, why the hell he reacted this way.

He didn’t answer, nor did he look at me, he was staring in front of me with such a strong disgust on his face that I was worried he might throw up in the middle of the study room. His breathing became irregular and heavy like someone’s breathing who was about to have a panic attack.

“It’s okay, just breathe slowly.” I told him, placing my hand on his back for support.

After a while he finally got physically better, although he still looked devastated.

“What’s wrong, Brahms? What the hell is going on here?” I asked and needed all my strength to be able to keep the calmness of my voice and not to freak out.

“I’m going to kill him.”

His threatening sentence for sure didn’t help me calm down.

“No, you won’t kill anyone.” I told him in the most confident tone I was capable of speaking in. “Just talk to me.”

Brahms turned his head and looked me in the eyes, his gaze reflecting rage but at the same time… _Shame?_

“I’m so sorry, Ali.” He said. “I’m sorry for lying to you, I… I just didn’t want you to leave me.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“I lied to you when I said that I never knew Jess.” He blurted out.

My lips separated from each other from surprise.

_He knew Jessica Holt. He knew her and… Wait a second. Jess...? Was she a “Jess” to him? Were they that close? What on Earth is going on here?_

“Greta wasn’t my first nanny. Jess was. She was my friend, the only friend I got before you, Alison.” Brahms explained.

I needed a minute or two to put the pieces together. _So_ _Jessica indeed got a secret job. She was Brahms’ nanny._

I covered my mouth from shock when Mary’s words popped into my mind. _She said that Jessica studied childcare and specialized in helping problematic children. Brahms’ parents most likely didn’t want anyone to find out about them hiring a ‘special’ nanny to help Brahms with his issues. Oh God… Probably that’s how the uncle met Jessica. During a family visit at Brahms’ parents…_

_That’s why Mrs. Heelshire was constantly comparing me to Jessica. Because Jessica was Brahms’ nanny as well. Just like me._

“Brahms…” I started, my voice devastated. “For Heaven’s sake, Brahms! How could you keep something like that from me?! This might be the most important piece of all!”

“I’m sorry, Ali.” Brahms said and I saw that he genuinely felt bad for lying. “Please, don’t leave me! I’ll never lie to you again, I swear. I’ll be good. I’ll be the best boy.”

_What…?!_

“I can’t believe you still don’t trust me, Brahms! Why the hell would I leave you?” I asked and just couldn’t hold back my disappointment.

“Because everyone does!” Brahms freaked out, even raising his tone at me. “Don’t you see it?! Every single person I ever cared for left me. Jess left me, my parents left me, Greta left me, even Mr. Nelson rather chose to kill himself than meeting me. Auntie and you are the only ones who haven’t left. I can’t lose you, Alison, you’re everything. Don’t you understand?! I cannot lose you! You’re my best friend. You’re the love of my life.”

I hadn’t gotten many love statements before. Maybe that was the reason I couldn’t handle Brahms’ emotional outbreak properly. I was staring at his wet eyes in the dumbest way ever, my thoughts were rumbling wildly between everything I just heard.

“Well…” Brahms spoke again when he realized I was unable to say a word. “At least I know now that Jess didn’t leave because of me as I always believed.”

“You thought _you_ made her go away?” I asked, my throat dry as a desert.

Brahms nodded and rage burned up in his eyes again.

“My parents brought her to our home to fix me. I thought I disappointed her somehow and I was such a bad boy that was too much even for her so that’s why she left. Now I know it wasn’t me, it was _him._ It was my uncle who hurt her and sent her away. It’s _his_ fault I lost my only friend.”

“Well, there’s definitely a lot he’s guilty in.” I agreed. “No offense, Brahms but you have a crazy family. And definitely not in a good way.”

Brahms was fixating the carpet with his eyes, his hands were still formed into fist.

“Please, just try to calm down. Remember what I taught you, we always need to think logically. You can’t let rage and revenge drive you. We need to keep calm and figure out our next move.”

I slid closer to his body on the piano chair and forced his arms around me so I can join him in a comforting cuddle.

“I’m here for you and I won’t leave you.” I told him silently while caressing his back. “Besides, we’re in this together.”

“Are we?” Brahms asked, his voice more tender.

“Yeah, I guess. I don’t know, I just have this crazy feeling that… it’s not only about you anymore. I feel like I already got involved in your family business somehow as well.”

“I’m sorry, Alison. I never wanted you to get involved in this craziness. It’s killing me to see you getting obsessed with all of this, Jess, my uncle and everything. What if he indeed… killed her?” Brahms stammered.

“I don’t know. Whe…” I bit my tongue in the middle of the sentence as I realized I shouldn’t upset him even more.

“What is it?” He asked and I knew he wouldn’t let it go anyway.

“Where’s the body then?” I asked carefully, feeling Brahms’ muscles twitching around me as he imagined his friend as a ‘body’. “There always has to be a body in a murder case.”

“I heard Mummy and Daddy talking that the police had searched most parts of the woods around our property after my birthday. You know, to find traces of… Emily’s murder.”

“You think they would’ve found Jessica then?” I frowned.

“I don’t know, maybe. It’s a very big area though…”

I let out a frustrated sigh, burying my face in Brahms’ knitted sweater.

“I always imagined her happy.”

The weight of his words felt like a torture in the silent room.

“I always thought that even if she left me, she was at least living a happy life somewhere. She loved traveling, she taught me a lot about different cultures and other countries… I always imagined her traveling some place exotic and pretty…”

“Maybe that’s exactly what she did, Brahms.” I tried to comfort him even if I didn’t believe my own words.

“Either way, at least she said a proper goodbye to me on my birthday. Face to face, not in a letter as my dear parents did…”

Brahms’ words were like a lightening in the clear sky.

“You saw her on your eighth birthday?” I looked up at him in shock.

“I did.” Brahms nodded, not understanding why I was freaking out about it. “She visited me secretly. She even gave me a birthday gift. It was the plush duck on the shelf in my old room. She said she was sorry for leaving but she needed to go. She said she loved me and she’d never forget me. She also asked me to keep her visit as a secret because my family wouldn’t be happy to find her there during a family event. Especially Auntie…”

“Brahms…” I started. “Jessica was officially last seen a week before. Everyone assumed she disappeared a week before your birthday without a word. But she went back to say goodbye to you. Do you know what that means?”

“That means she was planning to run away.” I answered my own question. “Maybe she wasn’t murdered after all.”


	82. The “B” Team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think Aaron knows about Brahms or he genuinely accepted that it was only his imagination when he saw him while breaking into the Heelshire manor as a teen? I know it was months ago but you might still remember Aaron telling Alison about the prank his friends made him do so he broke into the house. :)
> 
> Btw, the next few chapters after this one will focus on the relationship between Ali and Brahms and less on the Jessica storyline. So bare with me. :D

“How do you know all of this?” Aaron asked from the other end of the line.

I decided to call him after our conversation with Brahms. Brahms was sitting next to me on the bed silently while I was talking to the policeman.

“You promised me you wouldn’t ask any questions about my sources.” I reminded Aaron about the deal we’d made. _I tell him everything I know and he trusts me without asking questions. That was our deal._

I heard him let out an annoyed sight.

“Alright. So we know that Jessica was Brahms’ secret nanny. We also know she was seen on his birthday and went missing only after that.” He summarized.

“Indeed.”

“And she was seen by whom exactly?” He asked ironically. “Oh, right, you can’t tell me that tiny irrelevant detail…”

“Aaron, please stop…” I whispered in the phone, taking a glimpse at Brahms who seemed pretty frustrated listening to our conversation.

“Alison… You’re telling me that Jessica visited _someone_ on Brahms’ birthday. Only to say goodbye to this secret person who wasn’t Mr. Heelshire. Obviously, the only person who could share this with you must be the one Jessica had visited... You do realize how this looks like, don’t you?” Aaron continued.

“I do.” I answered, burying my face in my hands, my voice devastated.

“Give me one reason not to ask you the _only_ question I have in mind.” He demanded.

I knew exactly which question it was. It would’ve been a short, simple one. Something like… _“Is he alive?”_

“I could’ve chosen not to tell you any of this. But I told you because I trust you. Because you’re the only person I feel like I can count on with this investigation thing I’ve been doing and who doesn’t believe that I’m nuts. And because… God, I can’t believe I say this… I feel like you wouldn’t judge me, Aaron. You promised me that time in the woods that you wouldn’t judge me.”

A few seconds of silence followed my monologue. I knew that I didn’t have to tell him more and _the_ question wasn’t needed to be asked anymore.

_He knew anyway_.

Maybe he wasn’t hundred percent sure but he knew. He knew from the beginning, even when we first met and I lied in his and the older cop’s face that Greta’s story was fake and there wasn’t anyone living inside of the walls. Aaron was the only person in this town I could never fool.

“I won’t ask it, Alison.” He said finally.

“Thank you.” I sighed with relief. “You have no idea how grateful I am.”

A little silence sat on the phone line again.

“So many tragedies around this one boy.” Aaron said suddenly. “No offense but honestly… It seems like every trace, every tragedy leads back to Brahms. Emily Cribbs, Jessica Holt, his parents’ suicide, his aunt going mad… Did I forget someone?”

“Actually, yes.” I answered after changing a meaningful look with Brahms. _If we decided to trust Aaron, then I should tell him about the lawyer as well._ “Mr. Nelson.”

“The lawyer who shot himself in the head?” Aaron asked. “Please, don’t tell me he had something to do with Brahms too.”

“Brahms’ parents left his name and number for Greta to find if she… ever needs help. I found it in their safe since, you know… I was the new nanny so technically it was for me.”

“You contacted him, didn’t you?” Aaron asked, his voice shocked.

“I did. Right before I traveled home to Finland for a month. When I came back he was already dead. I learned it from the newspaper.” I explained.

“And you want me not to ask about the kind of help you needed, I assume…” Aaron mumbled but he already knew the answer.

He let out a humming sound.

“Did Mr. Nelson know about… you know, the Heelshires’ little secret?” He asked.

“Which secret?” I asked with a bitter, sarcastic chuckle even if I could have a great guess which secret Aaron was talking about. Obviously, about the one I refused to talk about. That Brahms indeed survived the fire.

“You know which secret, Alison.” Aaron answered firmly.

“Yes.” I said quickly. “But Mr. Nelson was the only one who knew besides the parents.”

“Alright. So you contacted Mr. Nelson, asked for his help and then before he could’ve done anything he killed himself.”

“Exactly.” I nodded.

“What about Emily Cribbs?” Aaron’s question reached me a little unprepared. I didn’t expect him to ask about Emily, although it was a logical question. He was obviously curious about what Brahms might have told me about his own sins.

“What about her?” I asked.

“Well… I believe you know a lot more about her death as I do thanks to your… reliable sources.”

I cleared my throat as I saw Brahms’ eyes narrow.

“My _source_ is suffering from PTSD.”

I clenched my eyes after saying it, realizing how ridiculous it sounded.

“He can’t remember?” Aaron asked in a disappointed voice.

“Indeed. Although… I’m pretty sure he hit her with a rock.” I answered quickly, avoiding looking at Brahms.

“And you still think you’re safe with your… _friend_ …”

“Yes.” I said firmly, ignoring Brahms’ hurt eyes. I knew he must’ve hated that he had to listen to us talking about him, pretending he didn’t hear every single word.

Aaron let out another long sigh.

“So… If Jessica was killed, where’s the body then? Bodies don’t just disappear as far as I know.”

I formed my lips into a cynical smile. That was my very first thought as well. I found it truly amazing how much alike we were with Aaron, our brains worked almost the same, logical way.

“You know… Maybe there wasn’t any crime after all.” Aaron theorized. “Maybe Jessica simply ran away. I mean, she was clearly planning her getaway, that’s why she came back on Brahms’ birthday to say her goodbyes, right? Maybe we saw too much into it and we already know everything. The Heelshires didn’t take their son’s issues seriously so he ended up hitting that poor girl in the head. Then they tried to kill Brahms to get rid of their problem and guilt at the same time. Brahms’ aunt couldn’t deal with her guilt so she went mad. Before all of this happened, Mr. Heelshire had already ended his affair with Brahms’ nanny and maybe who knows… Maybe he just bought a plane ticket for Jessica and sent her away. Think about it. I would’ve been a positive deal for both of them. Jessica wanted to travel and Mr. Heelshire wanted to get rid of her. She secretly got back to say goodbye to Brahms but left the next day for good. Maybe that’s all what happened and we simply overthought it.”

“Maybe.” I agreed.

“I mean, seriously… There’s no sign of Mr. Heelshire being involved with another crime besides trying to murder his nephew.” Aaron added.

“You’re completely right.” I agreed again. “Maybe that’s really it and they’re just trying to find a good buyer for the manor. Both Mr. Heelshire and Max are businessmen, maybe that’s all they’re up to, nothing else, nothing shady at all. But Aaron... Then why do I still have this sick feeling in my stomach?”

I sensed some hesitation on Aaron’s side of the line.

“I don’t know Alison but I have the same feeling. It’s just… like something still doesn’t add up, there’s still a missing piece in the story. Like we would’ve missed something…”

“But what?” I asked impatiently.

“I wish I knew.” Aaron sighed. “What’s bothering me the most is that every single clue has one thing in common…”

“Brahms.” I murmured into the black phone, keeping my eye on Brahms’ grumpy face next to me. He obviously didn’t appreciate Aaron and I discussing his life and his involvement in all the disturbing things happening during the last twenty-five years in town.

“Exactly.” I heard Aaron’s answer.

We sank into silence again but then Aaron asked me an unexpected question.

“What’s he like?”

“What?” I asked back but Aaron didn’t repeat his sentence.

Not that he needed to, I understood that he was asking me about the grownup Brahms. I looked at the curly headed man next to me and it was surprising to see that he didn’t look angry at Aaron for asking about him. He was staring at me with honest curiosity and almost anticipation in his green eyes. He was curious about how I’d describe him.

“Shy. Quiet. Still a little childish.” I started, sensing that Aaron was listening to me in deathly silence. “Stubborn. Resilient. And very smart. He’s such a fast learner.”

My heart was pounding while I was waiting for Aaron’s reaction. I’d only talked about Brahms to my sister, Mia but I didn’t tell her the whole backstory about him living inside the walls.

“Just like I remember him.” Aaron noted with a factual voice.

“He obviously was… disturbed. But we’ve been working very hard to change that and I think he’s done a great job.” I added.

Aaron hummed a little instead of answering.

“He’s amazing.” The words had already slipped out of my mouth.

I only realized after that maybe I shouldn’t have said something like that about Brahms to Aaron. It might’ve been a little too much information to share with the cop as I basically let him know that Brahms was much more than a friend to me.

“Is he?” Aaron asked with some slight sarcasm in his tone.

I cleared my throat anxiously as I saw from the corner of my eyes Brahms smirk.

“Wait a minute… Why aren’t you freaking out?” I asked Aaron in a confused voice.

“Should I be?” He asked back.

“I’m sure everyone else would be.” I mumbled.

“I’m not everyone else, Heikki.” He answered jokingly in a faked hurt voice. “Besides… Deep down I always knew. But you want to know when I became perfectly sure? Rose started to tell me around Christmas time that you seemed oddly happy on your own in that creepy house. She believed you had a secret lover. That was when I became sure about… everything.”

I anxiously touched my hot face and I knew it must’ve resembled to a lobster in color. So Aaron didn’t only know that Brahms was alive but also that I was hooking up with him. _Awesome._

Aaron still wasn’t done though.

“You’re probably the most annoying smartass on this planet so I trust your sense of judging others’ values. I might be crazy but I don’t believe you’d fall for a bad person.” Aaron added.

“Wow… That’s very kind of you… Too bad I don’t have any tissues with me.” I tried to joke but deep down I was the most relieved and grateful person on Earth.

“Funny… Please, tell him I’m sorry for breaking into his house when we were younger.” The policeman asked. “I didn’t mean to scare him.”

“I will.” I promised. “Talk to you later?”

“Definitely. No pressure but I’d be delighted to meet the both of you.” He answered.

“I’ll let you know when he’s ready.” I smiled as I noticed embarrassment on Brahms’ face. “And Aaron… Thank you for trusting me and risking your job for me. For us.”

“No worries. I clearly have a different opinion of what my job should be about.” He chuckled. “Alright then. Call me if anything suspicious happens. But you know the rules…”

“Rules?” I frowned.

“You have to call me twice a week on different days than Rose’s delivery so I know that you’re okay. You’re still living with a psycho old man, remember?”

“Yes, sir. Rules are rules.” I grinned.

_Wow, Brahms and Aaron would get along even better than I thought they would…_

“Good. Talk to you later.” Aaron said goodbye.

“I will. Bye.”

I turned to Brahms and let out a very long and very loud sigh from relief after putting away the phone.

“I think you have a new member in your defense team.” I told him in an excited voice.


	83. Let’s Have Some Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't originally planning to write this chapter, I wanted Alison to recall this in a flashback but I changed my mind. I felt like the characters needed this chapter so I had to be flexible. :D
> 
> (Funny fact: It took me months to be able to write down the word "cock". It looks like I'm losing my writing innocence together with the characters... lol)

“You remind me of my favorite book, Alison.” Brahms noted after our lips had fallen apart from a deep, sloppy kiss.

He’d come for his everyday kiss a few minutes ago and the goodnight kiss was an ongoing process ever since then. He was lying on my bed next to me, his upper body clinging onto mine, his hand caressing my cheek. “You’re so beautiful… Looking like an angel in that white shirt and the white covers.”

I stared up at him. His eyes reflected love and adoration, the pair of greenness literally glistering from romantic desires and vulnerability as he unintentionally opened a window through his eyes for me to see into his soul. He made himself so fragile with those explicit emotions that I could have easily crushed him, just like he was made of the same porcelain as the Brahms doll.

My heart missed a single beat because in that moment I saw it clearly. He indeed was falling in love with me. I could see it in his eyes. He was staring at me exactly like a man in love would look at his lover.

Before I could’ve sank into the thought of how much his overly emotional gaze terrified me, I pulled his lips back onto mine for another kiss, letting the pleasant shivers and spreading goosebumps distract my not too gentle thoughts about the situation. My fingers dag in his hair as he kissed me back and a thick fog started to invade my brain, fortunately covering everything else than the physical connection we shared.

I loved making out with Brahms.

He had the prettiest pink lips a man can have. They were small but so soft, I could’ve spent hours tasting them. The occasional touch of the scar that reached the edge of his lip only made his kiss solely _his_ which some kinky way excited my senses further.

I gently sucked on the tip of his tongue as a closure of the kiss and for a short moment the connection sent an achy sensation down my woman parts. The pulsation was so severe that it hit me completely unprepared.

I wanted to kindly ask Brahms to fuck me then and there but before saying a word, I reminded myself that I actually hadn’t said anything after his previous compliment.

“That’s very sweet of you, Brahms. But I thought your favorite book was The Beauty and the Beast.” I told him, playing with an unruly curl over the back of his neck.

“That’s my other favorite read.” He answered and pressed his lips against mine one more time.

I was fondling his back and shoulders while we were kissing, my underwear already uncomfortable from the sticky fluids my body was reacting with.

“Do what you did before.” Brahms asked me with lust and curiosity in his voice.

I let out a tiny satisfied chuckle, knowing that my little playful trick pleased him so much. I repeated the game, sucking on the tip of his tongue slowly and gently. Our giggle was followed by a very explicit, very open kiss, we tongued each other in a playful, arousing way. Two top buttons of Brahms’ shirt had been already undone accidentally, making it easy for my hand to slip under the grey shirt and caressing his chest. His chest was the hottest thing I could have touched, covered with dark hair. The perfect mix of softness and roughness.

“Brahms…” I said silently while staring into each other’s eyes.

He looked at me curiously.

“You wanna have sex?” I asked my simple question.

Brahms’ eyes twitched from surprise, although the small gesture was barely visible.

We still hadn’t done it since Christmas – I got my period, Brahms got sick then I got sick, not to mention the other circumstances distracting us from each other. Distracting _me,_ more specifically.

I wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to do after hurting his feelings so badly a few days ago with my hesitance about the “being in love thing”. But making out with him for almost half an hour woke the sleeping devil in me and raised my ache for the curly haired man.

I knew he felt the same way, craving intimacy just as much as I was.

Brahms didn’t say anything, didn’t give me an answer. He got up, walked to the door and turned the key twice to lock us in the room. I sent him a small smirk as he joined me in bed again, taking his actions as a positive agreement.

I opened the drawer of the nightstand and took one of the condoms I brought with me from Finland. I thought it would be a perfect pub talk material if I bought something like that in this small, gossipy town so I was precautious enough to bring some with me from home. I was prepared and had great plans with them. Since I only had a few packs, my plan was to ask Brahms to learn how to withdraw before his orgasm, while using the protection. So by the time we use up all the condoms, he would already know how to withdraw. I knew it wasn’t a safe method but that was the only thing I could come up with in the middle of the forest when I was allegedly living with an old couple and a doll only. I definitely didn't need people to start guessing who I was hooking up with.

So I was determined to make him practice until I can trust him with not cumming in me. Although not tonight, tonight I just wanted us to have fun. _Safely._

“What’s that?” Brahms asked.

“Protection. For safe sex.” I answered, feeling the color of my cheeks rising.

He still frowned, following the small package with his pretty eyes as I placed it on the nightstand.

“It’s not a big deal, I promise. Just trust me, okay?” I asked, suppressing an embarrassed grin.

But Brahms was fortunately just as turned on as I was and didn’t have any other questions. He leaned on me instead and started to kiss my neck right away. I let out a longing sigh, reached for his shirt immediately to undo the rest of the buttons.

I was enjoying his bare, hot upper body while we were making out, we clearly couldn’t get enough of each other’s taste. I unbuttoned his trousers next and Brahms got rid of them but it still wasn’t enough for me.

“Everything.” I told him, hinting that I wanted him completely naked in my bed, meanwhile I took off my own pyjama t-shirt and panties impatiently.

But Brahms didn’t need to be urged either, he was very much ready for me. He snaked his arms around my naked body and pulled me close to his, one hand around my waist, the other grabbing my butt, moving me onto his desired spot. We shared a wet kiss and I knew that I certainly didn’t want more tease tonight.

Between two heavy breaths I reached for the colorful package, carefully opened it and took the condom out.

I smiled playfully at Brahms whose slightly nervous gaze was following my every move.

He didn’t need to be nervous though, by the time he understood where it was going and how that kind of protection worked, I had already managed to roll the condom down to the base of his erection. He let out a sigh as he looked down at his manhood with wide eyes but until then I was already on top of him.

Brahms looked up at me, our gaze met in anticipation and his confusion disappeared in a moment. He placed both of his hands on my thighs, squeezing them gently. His touch was so hot, it made me yearn for more.

“Let’s have some fun.” I whispered into his ear and slipped down on him, moving my hips against his hardness.

“I want more.” Brahms said in a husky voice. His words were unexpected and I loved it. I loved hearing his voice in a situation like this.

“What do you want?” I smirked.

“I want to be inside you, Alison.” He answered impatiently, rubbing himself against me to present his clear intentions by actions as well.

He didn’t need to ask again, I sank onto his shaft and guided him into my body. We sighed at the same time and kept the eye contact while I was taking him in slowly, inch by inch.

I hissed when he bucked his hips in a greedy motion and slid in with his whole length.

“Careful there!” I warned him. I enjoyed being on top but the sudden stretching was quite painful in this position.

My words made Brahms remain motionless until I got used to his size, he stayed still and let out long sighs while I was circling my hips carefully on him.

After a while my sighs got a little louder, a little wilder and Brahms started to move under me as well, following the slow pace of my hips. I used his chest as a support for my weight while I was riding him, his hands were moving on my hips and belly in the meantime. He cupped both of my breasts, his touches resembling to the gentle circling and thrusting of our hips.

“You’re so pretty.” Brahms sighed, moving his gaze along with his hands on my body.

I sent him a smile and a seductive look in return while enjoying the now pleasant stretching he was causing me.

He felt so good. His lustful stare, his gentle, hot touches on my skin and his erection in my body… Slowly, I felt like I was in Heaven and I let him know with more intense, more frequent moans how much I was enjoying him.

Brahms could read the signs and let his hands fall down my hips, grasping as we both moved a little rougher.

“Are you having fun, love?” He moaned along with a smirk as I slipped one of my hands up to his shoulder for more support when our hips met in rougher slams.

“Yeah, Brahms…” I whimpered, looking into his sparkling green eyes again. “I love it so much.”

Apparently, Brahms wasn’t the only one who discovered the beauty of dirty talk. I felt like my physical reaction wasn’t enough to show him how much I was enjoying his body, I wanted to tell him that I loved everything we were doing to each other.

“I want to do this every day with you, Brahms.” I started. “I want to feel you this deep in me every night. I want you to fuck me every single night from now on.”

I literally felt his cock twitching in me as I said those words to him, the both of us gasping as we fucked each other harder.

I wasn’t done talking though, I just couldn’t stop mumbling to him.

“I want to feel your dick deep inside of me every ni-ight.” I told him and didn’t hold back my needy whines. “You’re so good, Brahms. You’re fucking me so well…”

My own dirty mouth made my body twitch as well as Brahms started to bang me rougher from under. The next moment he clenched his eyes and growled as he grasped my butt almost with bruising strength.

“Hold on, just a little longer.” I begged him and continued to ride him hard.

The outer world completely stopped existing around me. I could sense nothing else, only my pleasure, the grip of Brahms’ hands around my butt and his cock moving in me, sliding as deep as possible with every thrust.

I came hard and placed my whole weight on him, almost collapsing into his arms. Brahms wrapped his muscles around me, buried his face in my hair and followed me with a loud groan, plunging me hard while he was cumming.

It took a while until we were entirely done and was able to connect our lips in a satisfied, slow and intimate kiss.

I got off him and carefully took the used condom off, making sure his fluids stayed in it. I even tied a small knot and stuffed it back into the package for hygienic reasons, meanwhile Brahms was watching my actions calmly with curiosity in his eyes.

“It felt very pleasant but I have to note something… Feeling you without that thing was even better, Ali.” He claimed politely.

“Oh, shut up!” I chuckled as I made myself comfortable in the crook of his arm and snuggled up with his still naked body. “I was curious to see how long it’d take for you to say something like that.”

“Did I say something bad?” Brahms asked in a confused voice.

“No, silly.” I giggled, leaving a small reassuring kiss on his chin. “It’s just something that probably everyone says at least once in their lifetime.”

“Okay. Cool.” Brahms sent me a relieved smile.

“Cool?” I laughed, never had heard something so ‘slangish’ leaving his pretty, posh lips.

“Awesome.” He topped himself with a grin.

“Oh my…” I chuckled. “I’m making such a bad influence on you.”

I tilted my head so I can kiss him and when our gaze met I knew that we both had the same idea.

“One more time?” Brahms asked with a playful spark in his eyes.

I answered with a nod, knowing exactly what he meant.


	84. Swan Lake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> So I'm moving to another country and I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to own a new writing routine. Hopefully it won't take long and I can write in the meantime as well. I'm really excited about what's to come next in the story and I'm so so so ready to write it all! :D
> 
> To make my chaotic update schedule up to you, this chapter has the length of two so it's a double fun for you guys. I hope you'll like it, enjoy reading and see you soon! :)

_I’m gasping, my heart is racing in my throat. Small drops of sweat are rolling down my forehead while I’m running. I know I need to reach her, everything depends on this chase._

_My “prey” is fast, although I sense a touch of hesitance in her movements. It almost feels like she doesn’t want to run away from me in the end, she wants me to reach her._

_She’s teasing me. She’s toying with me, I’m nothing but her plaything._

_She occasionally takes a glimpse at me over her shoulder and chuckles, her thick red hear waving after her in the darkness, just like her long black dress. She looks like a seductive but dangerous demon._

_She’s leading me into the woods. I’m having a horrible feeling about the dark oaks, the smell of the fallen leaves adding more creepiness to the intense chase but I ignore it all. I can smell something else too, it’s a familiar scent that fills my nostrils._

_Wait, I know this scent. I’ve smelled it before… The smell of the wet, freshly dug ground._

_“Jessica, wait!” I scream at the girl when we reach a dark glade in the middle of the forest._

_She suddenly stops, so do I. I’m gasping for air and wiping my sweaty hands into the innocent looking white dress I’m wearing. I notice that I’m barefoot, my feet are partly sank into the soft, muddy ground._

_I slowly walk up to the girl. “Please, stop running away from me.” I ask her in a pleading voice._

_She finally turns around to face me._

_I have no idea why but my heart almost stops when our gaze finally meets. The first thing I comprehend is the most enthusiastic, crazy spark in her light colored eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. That spark scares me to death, it’s so intense, almost like a demonic glister._

_“You’ll never catch me, Alison.” She whispers, the ginger crown covers a part of her pretty, freckled face and sinister smirk._

_“Please, just tell me…” I beg her. “Just tell me what happened to you.”_

_Her loud chuckle echoes in the nightly silence, sending shivers down my spine._

_“Please…” I continue desperately._

_“Why would I tell_ you _?” She asks, examining my face with that intense look in her eyes._

_“Because I need to know. I need to know so I can move on.” I feel a teardrop tickling my cheek._

_“You already know the truth, sweetie.” The redhead frowns. “You just cannot understand. That’s why you can’t put together the pieces of my story.”_

_“Why can’t I understand?” I ask._

_Jessica leans a little closer to my face, her spicy but sweet scent mixing up with the horrible smell of the wet ground. For a heartbeat I feel a strange, shocking physical attraction but it fortunately fades the next moment._

_“It’s simple, Alison.” She says in a sinister tone. “You can’t understand my secrets because you’re not worthy.”_

_“I’m not worthy?” I ask back, feeling the worst disappointment overflowing my chest._

_“No. You’re not worthy for my secrets.” She nods with a scornful look._

_I let my head fall low, fixating the shiny, old fashioned medallion she’s wearing over her black dress. Her words hurt me bad. She might be right, I’m not worthy enough for such a precious knowledge._

_“Ah, don’t you start crying now.” Jessica raises the volume of her cynical tone. “You’re so pathetic. Such a martyr. You think that you’re better than everybody else, don’t you?”_

_I look up at her again, her words thrust deep into my soul as if she stabbed me with a sharp blade._

_“You’re judging me for what I did to a married man but you’re not that different, are you?” She continues. “You’re just as dark as I am.”_

_“No, I’m nothing like you.” I resist but she let outs a loud, sarcastic laugh._

_“Of course you are. It’s time for you to get off that high horse and face it. Look at yourself! You’re just as bad, dirty and mad as I am.” She spits with the gaze of a maniac. “And he knows it all, darling.”_

_“What…?” I stutter._

_“That’s right.” She chuckles. “He knows exactly what a filthy, broken girl you are.”_

_“Shut up!” I grit between my teeth, trying to silence the redhead as if Brahms was hiding somewhere between the oaks and listening to our fight._

_“You can’t fool him with that innocent face of yours. He sees right through you. He knows that you’re a dirty little whore, just like I was…”_

_I can’t hold back the rage anymore, my anger feels like it’s not even from this world. I try to hit the freckled face in front of me hard but somehow my fist can’t reach Jessica. I just stand there, gasping while she’s laughing again._

_“That’s it, Alison! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You need to let it free. You need to feel everything, you need to learn the fear of losing the man you love to understand me. But first, you need to let your man take you with all the ugliness you’ve been hiding inside you. Then and only then you’ll be able to understand my secrets.”_

_I want to say something, I want to protest but I don’t have my voice anymore._

_“Remember, Alison. You aren’t better than me. You’re just as dark as I am.”_

_Jessica sends me a cruel smug and turns around, her red hear brushing my face. Before I could catch her, she starts to run again and she’s already too far._

_I know I need to keep chasing her. But before I do, I wipe the tears from my cheeks. I know what kind of tears they are._

_The tears of facing the truth._

 

I never told Brahms about my nightmare. How could I when it was partly about him and my biggest fear? Him leaving me because of realizing that I wasn’t the smart, organized, sweet girl he thought I was. Not to mention that my dream was a clear sign of me starting to lose my mind.

So when we woke up next to each other, I did what I was the best at to hide my true feelings. _Distracting him._

“So what about the book you mentioned?” I asked him after I’d managed to silence the alarm on my phone.

We’d been up for a little while, sharing a few kisses and caressing each other’s naked body under the covers.

“The one with the character I remind you of.” I added.

“I stole it from my parents’ room.” Brahms shrugged with an embarrassed face like he was caught. “It’s about a man who falls in love with a fallen angel. You remind me of her.”

“I remind you of an angel?” I grimaced.

“You do.” Brahms nodded with romantic feelings in his blueish green eyes.

He leaned over me for a kiss. My stomach sent me a not so pleasant sign about nightmare-Jessica’s warning, that I should let my inner monster out and the idea felt even more terrifying after Brahms telling me I resembled to a goddamn angel. _He shouldn’t be seeing me as a perfect, angelic creature. He should be seeing my flaws as well. It’s so not right._

“What happened to the angel in the story?” I asked after we’d finished kissing.

“Well…” Brahms started and looked into my eyes tenderly. “She chose to become a mortal woman so she can stay with her true love and grow old with him. The story is about her struggles before making the decision. She was obviously scared of turning into an imperfect human. But she defeated her fear and chose love instead.”

I nodded and made a humming sound while Brahms was staring at me with the most vulnerable, most gentle look in his eyes I’d ever seen. I knew now why I was so terrified of that delicate spark in his gaze. I’d always been the brave, confident, decent girl to him, who had been taking care of him, showing him the right path to become a better person. I was terrified of disappointing him by showing my chaotic, broken self. I couldn’t let myself love him because he wouldn’t love me if he found out about the fact that I needed guidance and protection just as much as he did. I was weak when I was with him. Weak and vulnerable.

I let out a long sigh and shook off the disturbing thoughts.

“Okay, it’s time to get up.” I told Brahms to end our romantic morning.

*

It was early afternoon and fortunately Mr. Heelshire was out again. I finished my chores for the day but I wasn’t able to relax. My body maybe but my mind couldn’t slow down, my thoughts were constantly bouncing.

Exceptionally, I wasn’t thinking about the Heelshires’ secrets and Jessica Holt. This time the thoughts and ideas harassing me the whole day were much more related to myself.

I was sitting at the piano, staring at the gorgeous instrument with eyes of burning desire. A desire for expressing myself. All those trapped feelings and emotions I wasn’t able to let go, slowly ripping me apart from the inside.

_Dad used to say that it wasn’t okay to waste time on playing but now I know he was so wrong. Playing should be part of every grownup’s lives regardless of their age or circumstances._

I was a nanny for a year after I moved away from Finland but then I changed jobs and that was basically the last time I played carelessly as a child.

Until I met Brahms.

Brahms taught me about the importance of letting go and just slow down for a second every single day and let myself be in the moment without worrying about life.

He showed me that it was okay to play, to hug, to love fearlessly even if it means that we get fragile and we might get hurt. _All of us have a child self under the surface who we all need to take care of and listen to from time to time._ I spent months of listening to Brahms’ little boy self, giving him love and healing his tortured soul.

_But what about my little girl self? She might not be that hurt as Brahms’ inner child but it was definitely time for me to finally take a look inside and not outside. It was time to listen and just… play._

I placed my hands on the ancient, yellow keyboard, knowing that music used to be _my_ tool to express the things I couldn’t get out any other way. To truly listen to my inner voice and just be in the moment.

I felt my heart racing as if I was planning to do something scary and difficult. I felt some deep wrinkles appearing on my forehead while I was trying to recall the notes of an old song I used to play as a child every time when I felt overwhelmed with the world and needed a getaway.

I closed my eyes and sank into a deep peace of my mind where I could relax, be myself and truly, honestly let go.

I sensed that my breathing was finally becoming slower and more regular, so after ages of keeping myself away from my favorite instrument, I finally started to play.

After a while I let my voice follow the move of my fingers on the keys, the two balancing each other perfectly and creating a passionate, dramatic, almost heart-breaking melody. Now that after all those years I finally let go of a false belief and ended the imprisonment of my own emotions, I didn’t hold back any of it.

I let the intense sound of the piano and my singing voice pervade the Heelshire manor, clearing it from all the wicked spirits and dark secrets hiding in the haunted building. The mad thing was, while I was singing and playing, I felt like I could get through anything and there was nothing I needed to be scared of. I was safe and strong. Confident and powerful. Almost untouchable.

I was in complete control but it was nothing like the control I used to know before. It was a new kind of power I tasted. It wasn’t about desperate suppression, it was about control only that exact moment I was in.

I was gasping and shaking with joy when I reached the end on the intense melody, my skin was breaking out with goosebumps and I felt an unearthly pleasure I hadn’t felt in a very long time. In that moment the whole world was mine.

“Wow, that was…” I heard a male voice behind me, breaking my moment. I turned around and caught Max’s blue gaze who was standing in the middle of the music room, watching me.

I hadn’t seen him since Christmas and his appearance was quite unexpected but still not enough to ruin the joyful feeling that playing my favorite song on the piano had caused me. Moreover, I realized that I was still very much under the effect of this new, almost addictive euphoria. Now that I got in touch with my instinctive, wild inner self, I didn’t want to hide it anymore.

“That was what?” I raised an eyebrow at Max instead of greeting him and stood up from the piano chair.

“Different. You’re different, Alison.” He frowned as I started to walk closer to him with slow motions while keeping the eye contact.

Max moved his gaze down my body for a moment and I noticed that longing spread in his eyes. Longing mixed with some confusion.

_He’s your toy. He wants you. You seduced him with your voice and now he’s confused. He’s vulnerable. He’s fragile and you’re the one who made him weak. He’s your plaything._

I had no idea what got into me, where this sneaky voice came from. It felt like my actions and words weren’t controlled by the usual, factual Alison. I was controlled by something raw, something intuitive and wild I wasn’t familiar with.

I walked into the confused guy’s personal space, only stopped inches away from him. He didn’t flinch but I could sense his confusion, he was completely shocked by this new side of me.

And I loved it. I loved the new scenario.

When we were kissing drunk on the couch a month ago, he was the one who made me feel confused and fragile. Now it was my turn to make him feel weak.

“Am I? Am I different?” I asked, looking into his eyes seductively.

I saw him swallow hard while he was fixating my face.

_Yes, he’s exactly like a toy._

“How can I help you?” I purred, stroking my fingertip on the hem of his shirt.

“Em…” Max stuttered. “I ju-ust… stepped by to pick up some papers my father forgot to take with him. We can’t work without them.”

I took a few seconds break, only staring into his clueless, blue eyes with a smirk on my face.

Then I left the room and returned with a black map in my hand that Mr. Heelshire had left in the living room.

“Is this what you’re looking for?” I asked Max slowly, still in the seductive tone.

I had never felt something like this before, I simply enjoyed keeping this overly confident, model looking man completely wrapped around my fingers.

“Yes, thank you.” Max stammered.

“Cool then.” I suddenly changed my tone back to my normal, casual self so I confuse him further. “Have a great rest of the day.”

I sent him an innocent smile and flinched a few steps backwards, grinning on the inside at his hesitance and how much the blonde Heelshire wasn’t able to handle the new situation.

“Okay, you too. Goodbye, Alison.” He said finally, clearly not knowing what else to do.

I watched him leave the room and then the house, listening to the sound of his car’s engine. I was standing motionlessly in the middle of the music room with a satisfied smirk, holding my arms behind my back just like Brahms used to hold his all the time when he was waiting for something.

_Speaking of the devil…_

After some creaking sounds and footsteps a heavy breathing could be heard from the music room’s opening. I turned around and saw Brahms slowly approach towards me, wearing the same outfit with the green cardigan and the suspenders as when we first met each other. The only exception was that instead of the undershirt, he was wearing one of the white t-shirts I had ordered a few months ago.

His eyes were sparkling from rage, he obviously didn’t appreciate the scene he must’ve been watching from inside of the walls.

I ignored his anger, I acted like nothing would’ve happened. I wrapped my arms around his neck the exact same moment he reached me and towered over me to look threatening.

“Hi doll.” I greeted him in the same seductive voice I had been talking to his cousin a few minutes ago.

Brahms’ reaction was the same as his younger relative’s, looking down at me shocked and confused.

“Doll?” He frowned and even forgot that he was supposed to be angry.

“Yeah…You look like a life size man doll.” I gently bit into my own lip and let out a humming sound as one of my hands slipped under his suspenders over his chest.

Brahms’ eyelids stilled open as I stepped on tiptoe and kissed him hard passionately. He whimpered in my mouth as he kissed me back but pulled away only a few seconds later.

“What’s happening to you?” He asked, looking down at me suspiciously.

I still didn’t let him go though, I was clinging onto him tightly, keeping my arms around his neck.

“Did you hear me play and sing, Brahms? Did you hear my song?” I asked him. I couldn’t see my own eyes but from the still lasting euphoria I could safely assume that my eyes got the crazy sparks of obsession and joy in them.

“I heard you.” Brahms nodded. “You were amazing.”

I blushed a little because of his compliment. _He likes my voice, he likes my music._

“I haven’t played the piano for such a long time, Brahms.” I told him silently.

“I know, love.” He said gently and stroked the back of my head with his hand. “It made you look different… It made you so… passionate.”

“I feel so good. It made me feel powerful and… Free.” I mumbled.

Brahms was examining my face and suddenly his eyes narrowed.

“Although, I don’t like when you look at my cousin like that.” He noted.

“I don’t care about him, Brahms.” I shook my head. “I’m yo…”

I missed a heartbeat when I realized what I wanted to say. I almost said it but bit on my tongue just in time, staring up at Brahms with dismayed eyes.

“You’re what?” He asked.

For a tiny moment I believed he exactly knew what I wanted to say but then fortunately, the confused look returned to his features.

_Not saying it doesn’t make it less true. You know that you’re his._

I mentally whispered a “shut up” to my own sarcastic inner voice.

“It doesn’t matter.” I told Brahms quickly. “I just wanted to say that I’m not interested in your cousin. Or any other men, to be fair.”

“You better not, love.”

His deep, rough voice sent some electricity down my back as Brahms pulled my hair in a gentle way so he can press his lips against mine.

“You belong to me. And only me.” He continued growling into my face. He didn’t look mad at all, he just looked like he was trying to convince me about something obvious and natural. “One day you’re going to love me the same way as I love you. You’ll see.”

My confidence was long lost, I was blinking at him like a scared little girl. The fragile, innocent look in my eyes and my silence made Brahms seem a little surprised.

“You’re the most interesting person on the planet, Alison, I swear.” He murmured.

“Why?” I asked in a shaky voice, already fear his answer.

“You’re so… dual. So bipolar.”

I swallowed hard. Brahms obviously wasn’t talking about the illness. He was talking about something else.

“You turn from being factual and emotionless into this dangerous, passionate creature so quickly. When you were playing that song and even after… It was like another Alison. Then all of a sudden you’re back to the innocent girl again.” He explained, looking into my eyes. “You’re so interesting.”

The nightmare about Jessica popped into my mind, her words echoing in my head. “ _You can’t fool him with that innocent face of yours. He sees right through you.”_

I was devastated. _Brahms really knows._

It was scary but at the same time I felt something else, something more positive. _Excitement maybe?_

I had never met a man before who wasn’t scared and didn’t run away from me after finding out that I wasn’t exactly the reserved, quiet, cute girl they believed I was. For the first time of my life an incredibly pale spark of hope started to grow in my heart. _What if… What if he’s different?_

But Brahms still wasn’t done talking.

“Do you know Swan Lake?” He asked suddenly.

I nodded and stuttered a weak “yes”.

“If I had to say one melody that reminds me of you, that would be it. The last song.”

“Does Swan Lake remind you of me?” I asked.

“Yes.” He nodded, lazily playing with my hair the meantime. “I always imagined the swan story differently.”

I didn’t say a word, only returned Brahms’ intense stare and a slight panic started to spread in me.

“I always imagined that Odette and Odile were the same person. The curse she got was to separate her two sides. Light and darkness. And it was never about which girl the prince would choose. It was about whether he can understand that the white and the black swan were one and whether he takes them together as a whole.”

I had no idea if Brahms purposely didn’t acknowledge that I was gasping and shaking, his words shocking my entire world. He even let out a chuckle as if he was telling me a bedtime story about rainbows and unicorns.

“Well, he failed badly, didn’t he?” He added factually and even sent me a small smile, pulling me onto his lips again for a short kiss.

“Let’s go eat lunch.” He said and took my hand.

I didn’t want to move but the way he was holding my hand was so comforting, so protective that I just calmed my breathing down and let him lead me to the kitchen.


	85. Hello Black Swan - Part I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys. Here's the new chapter. I know, I know... Finally. :D Good news is that I have the next chapter (Part II. of this one) already written so you can expect an update in the next two days. ;) I'm so excited about what's about to come in the story, I hope you are anticipating it just as much as I do. <3

“What are you doing? What’s wrong?” Brahms asked in a worried voice when he found me standing in the bathroom, staring at my reflection in the mirror.

I was wearing the black, lacy dress I got from Barbara for Christmas. Jessica’s medallion was hanging in my neck, giving a delicate touch to the outfit while my freshly washed light brown hair was covering my shoulders and my back.

I wasn’t examining my look though. My gaze rather stuck together with my reflection’s gaze, while we were desperately fixating each other’s dismayed eyes.

“Alison?” Brahms called my name again.

“Yes?” I suddenly turned my head towards the confused guy.

“What are you doing?” He asked, rolling his eyes down my dress. “Are you going somewhere?”

“No.” I shrugged.

“Then why are you wearing that pretty dress?” He frowned. I recognized suspicion and a little bit of longing in his voice, he was probably thinking whether I had dressed up for someone else or for him.

“Because it’s so pretty.” I answered.

“Where are your shoes?” He asked with his thick British accent after taking a glimpse at my bare feet.

“I’m at home, I don’t need shoes. Where are yours?” I asked back in a cheeky tone.

“I’m at home too.” He answered, the left side of his face slightly pink. He still didn’t like wearing shoes, nor socks in the house, he was barefoot most of the time.

“Alison…” Brahms started in a shocked voice. “Is that Jessica’s necklace that you’re wearing?”

I looked up at him again, my hand automatically closed around the medallion on my chest. I ignored the shock in his eyes and continued staring in my own.

“You look like her.” He noted silently.

Oddly, Brahms’ words hurt me and pleased me at the same time. It hurt me because I didn’t want him to see someone else in me but it pleased me a little as well and I didn’t really know why. One thing was sure though. For the first time in my life I was focusing on my own feelings and own needs instead of the fear of hurting others. First, I didn’t even realize how sad and hurt Brahms sounded when he mentioned Jessica.

“Yeah. I’m just like her.” I murmured to the mirror suddenly, recalling “nightmare Jessica’s” warning about how alike we were.

“What did you say?” Brahms asked in complete shock.

“I’m just as bad as her.” I repeated and walked up to the tall man. Brahms was standing in the bathroom door frozen as I hugged him, wrapping my arms around his waist and digging my nose into his warm cardigan. I was breathing in his scent deeply while thinking about how unpredictable I had been since that stupid nightmare. I was honestly worried about my own sanity.

“Alright.” He stuttered, clearly couldn’t handle the situation. “You know what? Let’s have a nap.”

“A nap?” I chuckled. “How old are you? Five?”

Brahms’ eyes narrowed a little bit from my teasing.

“I had a nightmare and slept terribly.” He said defiantly.

“You had a nightmare?” I looked up at him from surprise. “About what?”

“It doesn’t matter.” He mumbled.

“Tell me.” I demanded. I thought it was strange that we had nightmares at the same time.

“No, Alison. I don’t want to talk about it. Pease, don’t ask it again.” He answered in a rough, determined voice. “I’ve been having nightmares lately and sometimes it makes falling asleep hard even. So I’m very tired.”

“Okay.” I said. “Let’s have an early evening nap then. Together.”

Brahms’ features softened.

“Can you sing for me?” He asked and I nodded with a smile, knowing that he still had much of his childish, clingy side in him.

*

An hour later I was lying in my bed with Brahms. He was sleeping under me, holding an arm around my hips, his hand resting on the back of my bare thigh under the black dress. I kept my face buried into his t-shirt, close to his armpit while listening to his regular sniffing.

It was only eight but Mrs. Heelshire was already sleeping as well. She said the same thing as Brahms, that she had a nightmare last night and couldn’t sleep. To be honest, I found it really odd that all of us had a nightmare at the same night. As usual when the old lady suffered from insomnia, she wanted to take sleeping pills to solve the problem and fall asleep easily so I gave her two and from a sudden idea I took a pill back to my room as well.

It wasn’t for me though, it was for Brahms.

I hadn’t noticed it before how exhausted and anxious he seemed so I figured he might need something to help him relax. He accepted the pill so now he was sleeping under me like a little baby in his mother’s arms.

Not like me. I was tired as well but every time I almost fell asleep, an intense, dramatic melody creeped into my mind and I just couldn’t get rid of it.

The finale from Swan Lake.

I had no idea how I could recall the song so easily, I couldn’t even remember when I had last heard the music but it felt like yesterday. It was accompanied by Brahms’ words about me having two sides and resembling to the characters from the swan story. Character, more specifically as Brahms was convinced that it was about one girl with two sides, two personalities. Light and darkness.

After a while of suffering I started to hum the melody to myself, hoping it would go away then. But of course it didn’t. It actually made it worse.

I sat up on the bed, staring into the half-light. Only a small lamp in the corner was providing some light in the bedroom. I pressed my forehead against my knees and grabbed at my hair with both of my hands as panic started to spread in my chest.

_Lalalala laa la laa, la la la la la laa…_

I threw myself back on the bed desperately, right onto Brahms’ chest and buried my face in his armpit while sliding my arm under his cardigan to find more comfort. The sleeping pill must’ve been very effective because he didn’t wake up for my sudden movement, he continued to make the same, long sniffs.

I remained motionless for a while but it didn’t help, the disturbing melody stayed along with the insane thoughts about my dark side. My emotions were like a roller coaster, some excitement joined to the ride as well.

_What if it wasn’t that bad after all? What if it was just overly emotional, passionate, seductive, wild, crazy, instinctive and free? Are those qualities considered to be ‘bad’ and ‘dark’?_

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I jumped out of bed and left the room quickly, running downstairs to the music room. I didn’t know why there but after a few minutes of gasping I understood. I felt the urge to search for the Black Swan album and play it at maximum volume. _It might help me get rid of the suppressed emotions and the song repeatedly roaming in my head._

I knew that Mrs. Heelshire wouldn’t wake up for the loud music, two of those pills must have been enough to knock her out for the rest of the evening and hopefully it did the same to Brahms. Not that I cared. I was at a state of mind where I genuinely didn’t care about what anyone would think about me.

_They might think that I’m crazy, who cares? Maybe they’d be right, I might be indeed crazy._

Listening to the intense finale of Swan Lake gave me some oddly disturbing satisfaction. On the other hand, my frustration was rising only higher with every note which was incredibly scary. I had no idea why I felt so upset, I could only focus on Brahms’ and nightmare-Jessica’s words alternately, how bipolar and weird I was with this dark side in me which I was never able to accept and let free.

_I might be a bad girl after all._

It was an earth-shattering discovery for me. I claimed so many times that I wasn’t a nice girl, that I wasn’t a perfect princess but somehow I never really meant it. Somehow I still suppressed my flaws so I wouldn’t have to face them. It would’ve been too painful because I’d been still seeing myself as a perfect housewife with a perfect job, a perfect husband, perfect children and a nice, big house. But not this time. This time I accepted that I couldn’t live like this anymore, pretending and taking care of everyone else’s needs except my own.

It was time to face my true self.

_Yes, I might be a bad girl. I might want a different life, far from the glittered fake reality I used to wish for myself. I might never work as a criminologist again, I might be a singer and do whatever jobs I find to pay my bills for the rest of my life._

_I might choose a man as a lifemate who killed people and who has just as much darkness in him as I do. I might run away with him and live a secret life somewhere far from here. We might never have children. Or maybe we will have a lot and instead of being perfect babies, they will be like him. Like us. Weird._

_Who cares? I don’t even know what will happen in my life and that’s okay. That’s all okay._

And for the first time of my life it was indeed okay.

I realized that I was standing in front of the small mirror hanging on the music room’s wall and I was staring into my own eyes again. But it was different than before. This time I was _really_ looking into the blue gaze, genuinely accepting the creature who was staring back at me. It was me. Alison.

My heart was racing in my throat and I was gasping for air, tenaciously squeezing the lower hem of my dress. I mentally welcomed my reflection in the mirror, saying hello to real Alison.

Then I noticed that Jessica’s medallion was still hanging round my neck.

I grabbed at the jewelry and ripped it off me with a rough motion, staring at the medallion with terrified eyes as if I was seeing something dangerous. _Sorry, Jessica but it’s not my problem. Time to let go._

I desperately ran to the balcony and opened the door wide so I can hurry outside. The chilly winter air was stinging my bare skin, my feet was almost frozen onto the marble floor of the balcony but I didn’t care.

I made a strong, overdramatic swinging motion with my whole arm, throwing the necklace as far as I could, panting and shaking after.

Even if I knew it was impossible to hear anything thanks to the loud music screaming from the room but I could have sworn that I heard the medallion land and break in two.

The satisfaction the imagined sound brought me was even more disturbing than the devastated joy the Swan Lake music was causing.

Although it still wasn’t enough, how could it be?

I wanted to feel more. I wanted to feel every single emotion I had been depriving myself of. And I knew how to do that, how to help myself losing control over them even harder.

I hurried into the living room, my frozen feet smashing against the floor over and over again while I was running. I picked up the whiskey bottle Mr. Heelshire was keeping in his cabinet, the same drink we had drunk with Max before Christmas. I didn’t stop though, I pushed the opening in the fireplace, climbed into the secret passage and started to run with the bottle in my hand.


	86. Hello Black Swan - Part II.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I promised, here is the second part of Alison going a little mad. I was waiting for 85 chapters / seven months to write this one but finally the time has come... :D Enjoy!

The next thing I knew, I was sitting on Brahms’ bed in his lair, the whiskey bottle standing on the nightstand. The level of the drink was much lower in the bottle than the time I had entered the hidden room. I could still hear the Swan Lake music, the gramophone repeating the last song again and again, even if it wasn’t that loud from the inside of the walls. I understood now why Brahms had asked me to play music loud so he can hear it as well from his room.

I’d been examining the crowded place with my drunk gaze while drinking, the alcohol slowly kicking in and I started to feel dizzy. I lay down on the grey and brown blankets, the creepy woman doll lying next to me helplessly. I recalled when I had arrived back to the Heelshire manor in December and found my pink robe on the same doll, Brahms trying to replace me so he can hug "someone" in his bed even if I wasn't there anymore. A tiny, cynical chuckle left my lips as I thought about the memories we had shared and the amount of craziness happening ever since then. _Let’s see…_

I got the sad news about Brahms’ parents killing themselves, then Mr. Nelson’s suicide. I met Brahms’ still living relatives, his uncle, aunt and cousin. Max made a move on me and I kissed him back which was obviously a terrible idea. I thought I lost Brahms forever but then we managed to overcome our problems and found each other again. We shared an amazing Christmas Eve and slept together for the first time. After that, things started to go down again and Brahms told me about his own family trying to burn him alive on his eighth birthday. I found out about Jessica Holt and her mysterious disappearance as well. I also got to know that she used to be the Heelshires’ secret nanny twenty-five years ago. After that, I became friends with Aaron, and basically told him about Brahms being alive. Nightmares and getting to know my own dark side was an ongoing process since then.

And it all happened in less than two months…

I grabbed the neck of the bottle and took a big sip of whiskey in lying position, saying cheers to the busiest and most insane less than two months of my life. I placed the bottle back on the nightstand a little too harsh, my movements weren’t that balanced anymore.

I noted that the small bed was pretty comfortable comparing to what it looked like with the metal bedstead and the thin mattress. I got to the point where I didn’t even care about the dummy’s rough arm pressing against my bare skin the black lacy dress exposed. I just wanted to lie there in _his_ bed for eternity, feeling every single emotion I had not allowed myself to feel during the past years.

And they were all there. Passion, hate, rage, hurt, insecurity, loneliness, fear, yearning, helplessness, desires… Soon, my breathing became heavier as I was getting closer to lose control.

I turned on my belly and buried my face into Brahms’ pillow, still gasping. It had a spicy, musky scent mixed with sweat. _His_ scent.

After lying there motionlessly and just breathing for a while, I felt my hand slowly moving under my belly, than slipping between my legs. And I didn’t order it to stop, not at all. I let out a small whimper as my fingers slid under my panties and found my most sensitive spot.

I was breathing in Brahms deeply while caressing myself, enjoying every single moment of losing control and doing something forbidden. The hint of being bad and dirty, pleasuring myself secretly in my lover’s bed was the most arousing thought I could have had in that moment. The fact that I was rubbing myself in _his_ bed, in his hidden room next to the repulsive doll he had been hugging at nights was no doubt the most intense trigger for my dark self.

Soon the ecstasy urged me to grab onto something hard so I squeezed the metal bedstead under the mattress. That was the moment when I felt something odd, something inapposite with my left hand.

I stopped what I was doing with a confused sigh and touched the different material under the bed. It was definitely something that shouldn’t have been there. I curiously pulled the hard object from under the mattress to see what Brahms was hiding under his bed.

It was a tiny book with a golden cover.

I was curious about the hidden book but I was also too drunk to read a whole story so being guided by a sudden idea, I hid the tiny book under my dress to save it for later. I definitely wanted to find out what kind of a book Brahms was hiding under his mattress in a secret room where nobody had access to anyway.

 

Ten minutes had passed and I felt the alcohol’s effect stronger and stronger. My situation wasn't needed to be sugarcoated though. I was completely wasted.

I hoped that Brahms was still sleeping deep enough not to find me until I’m done with my insane project to bring my emotions onto the surface so I can get rid of them once and for all.

After a while the long-waited results arrived and I found myself crying desperately, pressing my face against Brahms’ already soaked pillow. All the emotions I had been keeping locked up in a cage, now were overflowing my entire presence and as I expected, it wasn’t pretty. I simply couldn’t handle the intense feelings any differently than crying so I just let go, allowing myself to scream, shake and cry hysterically.

Passion, hate, rage, hurt, insecurity, loneliness, fear, yearning, helplessness, desires… I finally felt them all clearly.

And for the first time of my life, nothing else mattered…

*

I was slowly breathing in and out, fixating the side of the nightstand with my eyes, although my vision was a mess after the amount of whiskey I had drunk. Crying for who knows how long obviously didn’t help my sore eyes either. I was still lying in Brahms’ bed, my right cheek pressed against his pillow, although I was now calm and exhausted.

I suddenly heard a creaking sound and then the lair’s door slam.

“Bloody hell.” Brahms said when he found me totally drunk, lying in his bed I’d never slept before, hugging his creepy handmade doll.

Somehow I found his reaction incredibly funny and started to giggle right away as he sat on the bed next to me.

“What the hell did you do?!” He asked with wide eyes. Using slang to curse in anger was so not Brahms which made me laugh even harder. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

“It’s so funny.” I sent him a drunk smile, feeling dizzy even in a lying position. “I can see two of you. Two Brahmses. Brahmsy Number One and Brahmsy Number Two.”

“You’re a mess, Alison. And you’re scaring me. I woke up for the Black Swan music at maximum volume.” He continued rebuking me, his voice angry and shocked.

“You were right, that music really suits me.” I chuckled. “But don’t you worry, Brahmsy. I’ve been just hanging out with your doll friend.”

Brahms’ green eyes became even wider, as much as it was possible for them to get wider than they had already been. He moved his gaze onto his doll next to me and panic appeared on his face along with shame.

On the other hand he didn’t need to worry. I was drunk and didn’t find the dummy disturbing anymore. Obviously, it wasn’t healthy but… Was living inside of the walls any better? The doll was a replacement of human touch and closeness which he couldn’t get from a real woman. It looked creepy but it was a mix of a stuffed animal and well… a woman doll, which it was.

“You shouldn’t be here, Alison. This is so not right.” Brahms shook his head.

“I like it here.” I answered simply.                      

Even if I was drunk, I could see the dismay on Brahms’ features. He couldn’t imagine how anyone would enjoy lying in a small bad inside of the dark walls.

“Okay, that’s enough. Let’s go back into your room. You should get sober.” He demanded.

“No!” I told him with a grumpy face and grabbed the creepy doll’s arm. “Dolly is lonely. She needs my company.”

“What?” Brahms stuttered as if he couldn’t decide whether he was supposed to be angry with me or ashamed of himself because of his doll.

“She hated me first because you cheated on her with me. But she forgave me and now we’re BFFs.” I grinned proudly.

“BFFs?” Brahms asked.

“Best friends forever. Dolly is my best friend now.” I answered as if it was the most natural thing in the world to make friends with a dummy. But hey, I was drunk.

“That’s not her name.” Brahms noted defiantly but I missed the opportunity to ask what her name was then. Probably it was for the best. “Okay, love. Let’s go.”

“But she’s lonely, Brahms.” I told him with teary eyes as I tried to stand up but fell back into his arms from dizziness.

“You’re adorable even when you’re repulsively drunk. You know that, Alison?” Brahms said and his features softened.

The next thing I knew was Brahms taking me on his shoulders and standing up with me, mumbling a little about how much heavier I was than he thought which made me chuckle again. I was waving and said bye-bye to the doll while Brahms was taking me out of his lair, across the passages right into my room.

 

“I don’t want to see you like this ever again.” Brahms told me after throwing me onto my bed and sitting next to me.

“No one tells me what to do.” I protested from the pillow. After his small bed mine felt like it was a giant’s bed.

Brahms seemingly didn’t like my answer but he managed to swallow his probably not so kind answer.

“No one makes me feel like you do, Brahms.” I added, staring up at him angrily. “What are you doing to me, huh?”

I desperately wanted to keep the words inside but it was impossible. They wanted to be heard for too long and I was too drunk to hold my intense emotions back.

“You’re confusing me so much, Brahms. And I hate it. I hate everything about it.”

Brahms looked hurt and offended.

“So you don’t love me anymore, Alison? Not even the way you used to?” He asked but I ignored his question. I just wanted to tell him how I felt and how mad I was.

“You think that you’re the monster but you know what? It’s me.” I continued, a sudden unexplainable rage burning inside of me. “Do you have any idea how many men tried to make me love them? But you know what happened every single time? I showed them another side of me. I showed them who I really was. And they got scared of me or I hurt their feelings bad. And you know what? I didn’t care. I didn’t care about any of them. They weren’t strong enough to handle me so they all needed to leave anyway. Love is overrated and it only makes people mad. Love is nothing but weakness.”

Brahms was looking down at me with a shocked gaze but the hardest part was only about to come.

“And you…” I told him, unable to look straight into his eyes because of my drunkenness but I tried anyway to express how serious I was. “You’re confusing me so much. And it makes me helpless and vulnerable and… weak. I hate to feel vulnerable. Nobody makes me weak, nobody!”

A teardrop left the corner of my eye as I kept speaking in a tone that was very close to sound disgusted.

“I hate to feel vulnerable. It makes me feel sick. You make me f…”

I swallowed the end of my sentence first because it was too hard for me to say, even being drunk. Brahms was staring at me with sadness and fear in his green eyes, he was terrified of what I was going to say.

“You make me fall in love, Brahms.” I told him though finally.


	87. Surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry guys for making you wait for so long, my life is a little chaotic right now. And it's a damn long chapter. I tried to break it in two many times so you can read at least the half sooner but it just didn't work the way I wanted it to work. You need to know though that a day can't pass without me thinking at least ten minutes about this story, writing the rest of it in my head if I don't have time for actual writing. I'll miss it so much once it will be over, I can't even think about it... I think that's another reason it takes for me to write so slowly because I want to give this story a proper ending.
> 
> But anyway... Here it is, the next chapter. Thank you for being patient and for all the comments, kudos, feedback. Have fun with this fresh one! :)

_I told Brahms that he made me fall in love._

The last thing I remembered from the previous night was that I told him I was falling in love with him as well. I recalled how I’d fallen asleep almost right away while Brahms was trying to make me repeat my statement, unsuccessfully of course.

Currently, I was sitting on my bed with a bottle I had found on the nightstand, taking huge sips of water. I had a headache, felt dizzy and dehydrated, the sun blinding me so badly that I was seriously considering pulling the covers back on my head.

But there was something even worse than being hungover.

I knew that I needed to talk to Brahms about what had happened the night before. It was time to give up the distracting behavior so we can finally talk about our relationship in an honest way.

I was hoping that he would give me some more time though to bring myself back to life after the amount of whiskey that was still in my system.

_“It could be worse. I just feel a little tired and dizzy with some headache but that’s all. At least I’m not sick or anything like that.”_ I thought while standing under the shower, the warm water making miracles to my body and mind.

I brushed my teeth twice because I was convinced that my breath smelled like the Tipsy Squirrel pub on a Sunday morning.

I checked on Mrs. Heelshire after finishing my shower but she said she wanted to listen to music with the doll and then go for a big walk through the property. Since Mr. Heelshire was still out with Max too, I could’ve felt useless but no way. Today I was glad that the old man wasn’t around and the aunt rather chose to spend her day with the doll than me.

My head still hurt a little but I managed to eat some leftovers from the previous day, then simply locked myself in my room accompanied with another big bottle of cold water. I started to feel better and I wasn’t that tired anymore. _I could just get up and look for Brahms to get over with ‘the talk’._

My stomach protested with a short, sudden cramp and my racing heart had the same opinion. It was incredibly hard to admit how scared I was of talking to him about my feelings.

_Pathetic._

I silenced the sarcastic voice in my head and decided to check the tiny book with the golden cover instead, the one I had found under the waist area of my black dress before taking my clothes off for shower.

Curiosity started to rise in me as I picked up the book from the nightstand and opened it.

The same moment a small object fell out of between the pages, disappearing in the thick covers. I let out a frustrated sigh while digging in my bedding to find the thing whatever it was.

_No way!_

A surprised chuckle left my throat when I realized what the mysterious object was. A puzzle piece. Probably ‘the puzzle piece’ from _The Beauty and the Beast_ puzzle which we couldn’t find anywhere with Brahms. The silly boy must have used it as a bookmark and forgot about it.

I jumped from bed and hurried to the commode where I’d been keeping the gorgeous puzzle since I’d put it together at Christmas. I bit onto my lip from excitement as I put the last piece into the hole in the middle and noted that it fit. It fit perfectly.

I was standing there, looking at Beauty and Beast dancing in the moonlight, feeling proud of myself for completing the puzzle after such a long time. A hint of a strange feeling hit me about how complete the picture looked.

I shrugged and dragged myself back to bed and started to examine Brahms’ book. _“The Angel Who Lived” written by John N. Wright._

I frowned as I read the title. _Isn’t this the same story Brahms adores so much? The one with the angel as the main character who I reminded him of? It must be._

 

A few hours later I was still lying on my side, staring through the window. Till now, a glistering white layer covered the whole Heelshire property and the snowfall still wasn’t finished. Moreover, it turned out to be so severe that it almost resembled to a serious snow storm.

I took a glimpse at the closed book next to me. I read the whole story, I read it all.

I didn’t know what to think though. On one side, I wanted to jump back and forth in my room from excitement like a teenage girl who just found out that her crush loved her back. On the other hand, I still wasn’t sure whether Brahms interpreted this love story in the right way and it made me feel sad. He told me that the story was about a fallen angel who was scared of becoming a human but did it anyway so she can live a happily ever after with her mortal love.

But I knew from experience that the story wasn’t really about an angel being afraid of human imperfection. She was scared of something else.

_That’s it. I need to tell him. I need to talk to Brahms, I can’t procrastinate this anymore._

I walked to the human-size, antique mirror and stopped in front of it. A pale, confused young woman returned my stare with roundish blue eyes and messy hair from lying in bed all day long. An oversized black t-shirt. That was all she was wearing over her panties. It was a careless choice of outfit for such a cold day but I was only hanging out in my room, wasn’t I?

 _I can’t talk to him like this_ , _wearing my oldest sleeping t-shirt. And my hair, I should definitely brush my hair before searching for him._

I jumped from the creaking sound coming from the hall, as if my already hammering heart wasn’t enough for my poor system.

I ran to the door and opened it in a second, forgetting about my plans of getting pretty.

And there _he_ was, standing in the hall around ten feet from me, his eyes getting an interested spark to them as he saw me.

I flushed from his stare, trying to tell myself that I was a strong, brave woman and I had done much scarier things than talking to a guy about my true feelings. _Come on Alison, put yourself together!_

I cleared my throat anxiously after walking a little closer to Brahms.

“I’m sorry. About last night.” I blurted out.

“Which part?” Brahms asked suspiciously as he walked closer to me as well, examining my poor choice of clothing.

“Well, I never wanted you to see me that drunk. I know it wasn’t pretty.” I told him in a factual voice.

Brahms didn’t say anything. He barely blinked, his intense stare still on my face.

“I remember everything though. Everything I told you.” I added. “I’m… sorry for falling asleep and we couldn’t talk about it.”

“We can now.” He said and closed the distance between us by gently pulling me to him.

“I… I read the story you mentioned. About the angel and the man.” I told him.

“Did you find my book?” Brahms asked, curious, reckoning and slightly embarrassed.

I admitted with nod that I took his beloved golden book. I thought he’d be angry with me but he just asked a question about how I liked it.

“Em… It’s a wise story with a strong moral.” I answered. “Although…”

“Although?” Brahms raised his eyebrows.

“Although, I’m not sure you fully understand it.”

“What do you mean by that?” Brahms asked in a deep voice, probably not happy about someone questioning his interpretation of his favorite love story.

“Well…” I started confidently. “In the story the man believes the angel is hesitating to stay with him on Earth because she’s scared of giving up her halo and wings. But what he doesn’t realize is that it isn’t what she fears the most, she isn’t scared of turning into a mortal creature.”

“What does she fear the most then, Alison?” Brahms asked, his tone calm.

“She’s scared that the man loves her because he believes that she’s innocent and perfect and… pure. She’s scared that he wouldn’t love her anymore if he saw her true self behind the surface with all those sinful human flaws and desires.”

I only realized the single teardrop running down my cheek when Brahms gently wiped it with his thumb.

I didn’t blush. _What would be the point to feel embarrassed? This is me, this is how I relate to this story. And he needs to know what’s been bothering me for my entire life, the reason I keep pushing him away all the time. Him, not willing to love me as I am._

Brahms’ reaction was something else though, something completely unexpected.

He pulled me on his chest, leaving only as much space as I needed to be able to look up into his eyes. _His eyes… So green. So beautiful._

“I know, Ali. I know it all. And I love you regardless.” He said, holding both of his arms tight around my waist.

“What…?”

That was all I could force out of my throat from surprise. _What is he talking about? He already knew about my emotional struggles about myself? That’s impossible. How could he know?_

“I know it since he first time I met you. I knew that you were a little dark, a little broken. Just like me.” Brahms said, his voice tender yet confident, comforting yet demanding. He took a small break but then continued. “After realizing that I’d killed someone and my… not so usual circumstances inside the walls… You didn’t even hesitate to stay and help me. I think I know you more than you could ever imagine, Alison.”

“What else do you know about me, Brahms?” I asked, my heartbeats fast as a caged bird’s heartbeats.

“I’m not sure you want to hear more.” He said calmly.

“I do. Tell me everything.” I ordered, my voice silent.

Brahms leaned so close to my face that I felt his warm breath on my cheeks. “You enjoyed it, didn’t you? At least a part of you…” He asked.

I swallowed hard as I returned his intense stare. But the revealing of my ‘dark side’ wasn’t over yet, Brahms continued. “You loved helping me. Faking the crime scene, hiding traces, scamming the police… You enjoyed every single moment, didn’t you? Lying to everyone while you knew I was watching you from the walls… I was your dirty, dark secret. And you loved it, you loved it all. You’d started to fantasize about you and me sharing a night of passion long before you admitted to me, hadn’t you, Alison? Maybe even already at the beginning when you treated my wounded belly…”

That was it, that was the moment when I understood. Brahms didn’t only knew me well. He probably knew me better than I knew myself. But the words that made me lose it once and for all were only about to come.

“You’re scared that I wouldn’t accept your broken, imperfect side… And you’re right, Alison. I don’t accept it. I _love_ it. I love your darkness. Just as much as you love mine. Do you see now that we do belong together?”

 _Yes, Brahms._ I saw it, how couldn’t I?

I stood on tiptoe so I can reach his lips with mine, Brahms prepared for my reaction and returned the kiss without hesitation.

I pulled back after a while, only a string of saliva kept us connected. A small hint of what had happened a second before. I squeezed his cardigan on his back with one hand, while holding the other on his chest, pressing my fingertips against his collarbone. I breathed in and out heavily as I spoke to him.

“I do, Brahms, I do see it.” I said slowly, another teardrop leaving the corner of my eye. “I’m ready to fall with you. Take me. I’m yours.”

 _My surrender._ That was all Brahms needed to hear after five months of struggling.

He dragged me into the closest room which happened to be the doll’s room – luckily it wasn’t anywhere near, it was still out on a walk with Mrs. Heelshire. Not that Brahms cared who and what was around us. He gently tossed me thwarts his old bed and I kneed up on the edge so our lips can crash together again.

We kissed each other hard and roughly, our entire story was buried in that one kiss. All the hurt, frustration, anger, love and forgiveness. I still kept fighting for gaining back my power until I finally accepted that it was pointless. Brahms won and I needed to hand the control over him this time.

His kiss was raw with a tiny touch of violence as he went for my neck, sucking the sensitive skin until I moaned into his curls.

“You belong to me, Alison. You’re mine.” He whispered in my ear, his hands cupping the bare cheeks of my butt under the oversized t-shirt.

I knew that was really it. I didn’t even try to fight the demanding words, I completely let him dominate me and do whatever that pleased him. _I’m his. I belong to Brahms._

I was finally able to give up control.

We both muffled a moan against each other’s mouth and only separated to get rid of his cardigan and shirt, removing my t-shirt next. Brahms’ hands caressed my breasts, his thumbs circling on my nipples but his touch moved down to my butt very quickly. We shared a deep kiss again while fondling each other, his hands massaging my butt, mine stroking his chest and biceps. Then my touches fell down onto his crotch, gasped for him impatiently as I felt how hard he was.

“You want _that_ , don’t you?” Brahms asked smugly, keeping the eye contact. “Do you know what _I_ want?”

I automatically shook my head, sending him a confused, shy look even if I had a few ideas what he must have wanted.

He never answered my unspoken question but his actions told me everything. He pinned me around in my kneeing position on bed, my back pressed against his chest and my butt against his groin. All I could do was whimpering as he started to suck on the crook of neck from behind, meanwhile cupping the soft curves on my body.

“Brahms…” I whined, tilting my head to expose more skin for his lips to discover. His hand slipped under my red, lacy underwear.

“Mmm… You’re so wet. I want to see your pussy.” He purred and lay his palm on my shoulder, then gently pressed it, forcing me to lean forward on bed. I supported myself with my elbows, showing my entire butt to his gaze. He grabbed my thighs from behind and pulled me closer to him, making my legs open up wider so he can see more of the desired sight.

I couldn’t see his reaction but I heard him let out a longing sigh as he pulled my panties to the side and exposed my swollen vagina for the world.

“It looks so pretty.” Brahms noted in a dreamy voice. I knew that he had never seen a naked woman revealing herself from behind and his inexperience would have made me giggle normally. But not this time. Now I was just holding myself with my elbow, gasping from anticipation as his thumb rubbed my slimy folds, carefully avoiding the inner parts only to tease me.

I recalled how often I had teased him in the past, how long I’d made him wait patiently for me to get the pleasure he’d yearned for. The idea of him having all the control this evening made me lose my mind and a part of my dignity as well.

“Please, Brahms…” I begged. “I’m yours now, you can do anything to me.”

Brahms let out a tiny, smug chuckle as he continued to play with my upper lips, the tickling sensation too much for the nerves of my skin to handle.

“What’s the rush?” He asked, ignoring my whining.

I whimpered impatiently but before I could have started to beg again, his thumb slid inside. I let out a moan from the satisfying stretch and moved my butt closer to his hand.

“Do you want more, Alison?” He smirked and withdrew with his thumb, two of his fingers entering instead.

I didn’t hold myself back as Brahms’ fingers were giving me an inner massage, my mind got blinded by the fog of pleasure at such high level that it was impossible for me to think straight. I’d never had an orgasm in this position but now my body yearned to release the pressure. I crawled into the red covers under me and buried my face in the thick material as I panted.

_Just a little more…_

The sound of zipper being undone broke my moment, clearing the fog out of my brain.

Brahms’ fingers left my body so he can pull my soaked panties further to the side, then he squeezed my butt to expose the desired spot even more. The next moment I felt something hard and warm pressed against my pussy.

“I’ll show you how it is to be mine, Alison.” Brahms said and slammed in hard.

I cried out loudly as he shoved his whole length inside me, the sudden motion caused my lips to fall apart and my grip to tighten around the covers.

A growl escaped Brahms’ lips too, watching his erection sinking in my body.

He seemingly lost his patience very quickly as well, his thrusts being everything but slow and gentle. He started to fuck me roughly almost right away, squeezing my hips to support his unforgiving movements. His gasps betrayed how much he enjoyed driving his cock deep into me over and over again so hard that we could constantly hear the sound of our skin slam against each other.

His roughness didn’t surprise me. It was his triumph after all. My defeat. He grew up for me, he fought for me, he became a man for me and here in this moment he finally succeeded. He didn’t need my guidance anymore, he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew that he earned his reward and the reward was me, Alison. Not just the surface or a part of me but Alison as a whole. He literally made me his in every possible meaning a man can have a woman.

And I wanted him to have me. I loved everything about the way he was burying his body into mine and he knew it. He knew that deep down I’d been waiting for him to dominate me in such a way for a very long time. I wanted him to make me _feel_ everything, to make me fragile and emotional. I craved his love and attention like never before, Brahms being the only man who was able to make me express my vulnerability.

He was the one.

I didn’t hold back my loud whines. “More… I wa-ant more. Please, Brahms, fuck me harder.”

I couldn’t find any other support to bear the speed of his thrusts so I grabbed the edge of the bed with both of my hands to receive the strokes of his hips against my butt without collapsing under his weight.

The fog was back in my mind, allowing me to focus on nothing else than Brahms’ cock moving deep inside of me, the walls of my body clenched around it so tight as if I never wanted to let him go. His presence invaded my senses, his grip on my butt and his hot moans from behind, the clear proof of how much he was enjoying himself.

A globe and toys. That was all that my foggy brain allowed me to see in the room while I was getting banged from behind. I knew what a dirty thought it was but I couldn’t help my ‘dark side’ finding a pervert pleasure in the fact that we were fucking in Brahms’ old room with all his childhood stuff around us. _A few months ago he was just a disturbed boy but I made him a man and now he’s going to take care of me hopefully for the rest of our lives. No matter how long or short we’ll live._

“You’re so close, aren’t you?” Brahms panted, his groans pushing me further. _Yes, Brahms, you’re gonna make me cum like nobody has ever done before._

My arms started to shake so I leaned lower, giving the opportunity to Brahms’ cock to slide deeper in me with every single thrust.

In his arms I could be who I really was, without the need of holding my dark side back. He saw my darkness and ugliness but he didn’t only accept it. He embraced it. He wanted me as a whole and I wanted him back with his twistedness as well. I was safe with him. I was finally home.

_I’m not the perfect princess anymore and that’s okay. I can let it go now._

I reached an incredibly intense climax. I deepened my fingernails in the covers, my trembling knees collapsing under Brahms’ thrusts, a low toned scream leaving my throat. I could’ve sworn that even a tiny drop of saliva dripped out of my mouth from the extreme release I’d been craving with a man who loved me for who I really was.

Brahms kept fucking me hard during my climax, then all of a sudden pulling out and pinning me around so I would lie on my back. Lying across the small bed, our adult bodies barely fit so he urged me to move a little further, my head slightly lost the support under it. Not that Brahms cared at all, he slammed in me one more time, his hips jerking against mine, making my orgasm last longer.

But I wanted more.

“I don’t want you to stop. Cum inside. I want you to cum inside me.” I demanded. I knew it was the most irresponsible thing to ask but just living through my metamorphosis from a good girl to a normal human being, I just couldn’t stop.

I wanted him to seal his triumph over me.

“What..?” Brahms panted and tried to take his erection out to release on my belly but I wrapped my legs around his hips, pulling him back as deep as possible. A slight shock appeared in his eyes but it was too late. His doubts were replaced by pleasure which looked just as intense as mine.

I helped him with squirming and writhing under him while he was cumming, throbbing deep inside of me. My fingers dug into his sweaty hair, Brahms pressing his face against mine.

He stared into my eyes after he had finished, still trying to catch his breath though. I reached up with one hand to touch his scarred cheek, the words left my lips so easily as a wild bird would leave its cage after months of imprisonment.

“I love you.”

Brahms looked pleased and satisfied but his eyes didn’t soften much after my statement.

I, on the other hand, felt all these emotions swamping in me as the post orgasm relief took over my relaxed body. At that moment I felt defeated in every possible way. Physically, mentally, emotionally. He made me feel like nobody had ever made me feel before. I needed to accept it then and there that I wouldn’t want to leave him. Ever. He was everything, he meant everything to me.

_I already fell in love with Brahms._

I didn’t want him to pull away, I wanted him to stay inside of me, to stay this close. I felt incredibly fragile. I hugged myself on the bed, slightly sitting up after he had pulled out, the broken physical contact left a cold sensation on my skin.

I tried to catch his eyes while he was putting on his trousers, feeling his warm cum slowly leaking out of me. I had a secret. I had never let any man release inside of me. Only Brahms. His cum was dripping on the covers, leaving a tickling sensation on my womanhood. It reminded me of my defeat that I fully gave myself to him this time.

He looked at me then. I was sitting on the bed naked, staring up at him with a look full of vulnerability as I had just opened my entire soul and spirit to him. Brahms’ eyes suddenly opened up, his lips gently separated from each other as if he saw something for the very first time in his life. Something very important.

“You love me like…?” He asked silently, waiting for the answer that would decide about his whole world.

“I’m in love with you, Brahms.”

His gaze immediately softened as he lay down on the bed. He took me in his arms, hugging me in the most protective way I had been hugged.

“I feel so safe with you.” I whispered. “I won’t let anything or anyone come between us, ever again.”

“My Alison…”

He kissed my lips and I returned the gentle gesture. Him, saying that I was _his_ didn’t bother me anymore because I finally understood. It was a beautiful thing, if not the most beautiful connection that we could share.


	88. Red and White

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello My Dear Readers. Here's the next chapter and no, it's not about wine. XD I promise, Alison won't be drunk in this, it's about something else. :D Enjoy! :))

“I’m worried about your aunt.” I told Brahms, checking the fresh snow glistering in the evening moonlight. I had no idea why Mrs. Heelshire chose to take a walk in a snowstorm but she definitely should have been at home by now. At least the weather calmed down a bit and seemed way friendlier than before.

Brahms walked behind me to the kitchen window, snaking his arms around my belly and leaving a kiss on top of my head.

“So am I.” He agreed.

“Should I go look for her?” I asked, placing my hands on his.

“I think so, if she doesn’t come home in an hour. She has a friend not far from here though, she might have visited her.”

“How do you know she has a friend from here?” I frowned, stroking the back of his hands resting on my belly.

“You’d be surprised how much you can learn from inside of the walls.” Brahms murmured against my hair.

“You’re such a stalker, you know that?” I joked. Although let’s face it, there was a strong base of my words.

“I’m not a stalker.” He protested. “I think you’d enjoy watching people and listening to their conversations secretly as well. It’s fun.”

“I don’t think so.” I shook my head, still staring through the window, examining the dark property with my eyes.

“I bet you would.” Brahms teased.

“Alright.” I rolled my eyes, closing the argument. “How’s laundry going?”

“I put everything in the dryer.” He answered.

“Good boy!” I praised, tilting my head back against his chest so I can grin up at him. Brahms let out a playful chuckle as well.

“Nobody will know what happened to the covers.” He smirked.

“They will be clean and dry before anyone could notice they were gone.” I nodded with a wide grin, knowing that it would be an inside joke between us for a very long time about having sex on Brahms’ childhood covers.

I turned around to kiss him.

“I have a feeling you’ll want it only from behind from now on, won’t you?” I teased Brahms.

“It was so hot.” He admitted and gave me a short kiss. “I enjoy watching your face too much though.”

“You do?” I chuckled and stood on tiptoe for another kiss.

“Mm…” Brahms muffled against my lips.

“Brahms…” I started in a guilty voice a few seconds later.

“What is it, sweetheart?” He stroked my cheek in a comforting way, sensing my sudden anxiety.

“It was stupid and irresponsible what I did. And I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done it.” I flushed.

It took some time for Brahms to understand what I was talking about, the way I passionately wrapped my legs around him an hour ago, basically forcing him to cum inside of me without using any protection at all.

“What happened, happened.” He told me with a serious face. “Everything’s gonna be alright. I don’t want you to worry about anything now that we finally get the chance to be happy.”

“It’s just… I don’t know what gets into me when it comes to you, I’ve never been this irresponsible in my entire life.” I explained.

A small, embarrassed smile appeared on Brahms’ face which I found suspicious.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Maybe unconsciously you want my child...” He giggled.

In less than two seconds I mentally collected a list of arguments about why I wouldn’t want anyone’s child in the next decade but then all of a sudden my defiance disappeared, leaving only a warm, tickling sensation in my chest as I looked into his sparkling green eyes.

“Sure.” I tried to joke. “My carelessness definitely could be a sign that I subconsciously want a mini version of you clinging to me all day long.”

Brahms let out another smug chuckle.

“It’s going to be alright, Ali. Please, don’t worry.” He repeated the comforting words, kissing me after slowly and gently.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” I smiled at him after we’d finished kissing.

“Really? Am I a good boy then?” He grinned, his dimples making my heart melt and my heart beat faster.

I just grinned back at him like a fool and buried my face into his hug, letting out a long, relaxed sigh. My heart had never felt so light before.

“By the way, it will be incredibly hard for me to focus on work. And it’ll be your fault.” I whined jokingly and just couldn’t stop leaving small kisses on his chest over the navy blue shirt.

“How is that my fault?” He asked while he was caressing my lower back, a little bit surprised.

“Because I won’t be able to think about anything else than _you_ the whole day.” I answered with faked resentment. In reality, I didn’t mind at all.

“Well… Every day after you go to bed, I’ll join you and make it up to you. How does that sound?” He purred.

“It sounds promising.” I giggled and kissed him for the thousandth times that evening.

Our flirty dialogue was disturbed by the main door’s heavy creaking as someone entered the ancient building. We looked at each other with Brahms, thinking of the same thing. We were so busy with each other that we must have missed someone walking through the property.

Brahms disappeared in a heartbeat, returning into the wall maze. The footsteps of the newly arrived person got louder, making my heart race, no matter that I knew it could be anyone from the other three Heelshires. I barely dared to breathe while waiting for the person to enter the kitchen and face me.

“Mrs. Heelshire!” I sighed in relief when the old lady stepped in with Brahms, the doll in her arms.

“Good evening, darling.” She greeted me in her usual dreamy voice. “It’s a lovely one, isn’t it?”

I nodded politely, unsure of whether I understood her previous sentence properly. _Did she really say that it was a lovely evening with this horrendous weather…?_

“We… Em, _I_ was worried about you, Mrs. Heelshire.” I told her, helping with taking off the extremely warm knitted sweater. “Should I make a tea for you?”

“Thank you, Alison.” She smiled and took a seat at the kitchen table as I started to prepare tea. I saw from the corner of my eyes that she was examining me the entire time I was busy with the mugs and the hot drink, his blue gaze wouldn’t give my movements a break. _Not creepy at all…_

I joined her at the table with tea, sitting next to the doll.

“You’re very handsome today, Brahms. I like your jumper.” I spoke to the porcelain boy, hoping Mrs. Heelshire would be pleased with my kindness to his ‘nephew’.

“I made it for him. Pretty, isn’t it?” The aunt smiled as she sipped her herbal tea.

“Did you knit it, Mrs. Heelshire? It’s really nice.” I asked, examining the new, grey cardigan on the doll which looked so warm and cozy that I felt a sudden urge to stroke the fabric with the back of my hand.

“Oh, thank you. I used to knit blankets and warm clothes all the time when I was younger. My enthusiasm left me later but since I’ve been here with little Brahms, I thought why not start it over and make something for him.” She laughed. “I used to have great hand but now I’m rusty”

“I think you did an amazing job.” I praised honestly. “Did you crochet as well when you were younger? My grandmother did sometimes.”

“Yes, Alison. I used to love all crafts which required my hands.” She nodded and I suppressed a little grin. She reminded me of Brahms, even if I knew they weren’t related by blood. “Actually, I’d like to show you something. Would you be so kind to wait until I come back?”

“Of course.” I nodded politely and watched the old woman leaving the kitchen.

I was sipping my tea, trying to ignore the doll’s glazed eyes on me. I wondered if the real Brahms was watching me at the moment or following his aunt secretly. I giggled under my tea mug about the silly ideas my brain just created. I couldn’t believe it but I already missed Brahms and I wanted to make a one-way conversation with him, pretending I was talking to the doll.

But the very last moment I decided that it probably wasn’t a wise idea since Mrs. Heelshire could be back any second and I was right. She appeared with something in her hand, joining me at the table again.

I curiously shifted my gaze at the two small objects.

“I kept them because they were the first baby things I have ever made.” The aunt sent me an emotional smile, placing a pair of crocheted baby shoes on the table.

“Are these…?”

“Yes, darling. They belonged to Brahms. I made them for him, before he was born.” She nodded, her eyes got a little wet.

I couldn’t say a word. My gaze adhered to the white newborn shoes on the table. Brahms’ first shoes. They were so tiny that could have easily fitted in one of my palms. I took one in my hand, a strange sensation spreading in my chest again about how special this was. Holding my man’s newborn shoe that was half the size as my palm. _He must have been a tiny baby._ I gently touched the white, satin bow on it, catching myself becoming just as emotional as Mrs. Heelshire. I had never considered myself as an emotional person so it was all new and unfamiliar, getting touchy by a baby shoe.

“You can keep them if you would like to.”

I heard Mrs. Heelshire’s gentle voice.

“No, they must mean a lot to you. I can’t keep them.” I shook my head.

The aunt chuckled softly.

“I kept my Maximilian’s newborn shoes as well, the ones I crocheted for him of course. I was hoping that one day I can give them back to him and see my grandchild wearing them.” She leaned closer to me, her voice became silent as if she didn’t want the doll to hear what she was about to say. “Since my Brahms will stay a child forever... I would like _you_ to have them, darling. If you don’t mind that they belonged to Brahms of course…”

“I don’t mind at all.” I smiled and even flushed a little. “Thank you, Mrs. Heelshire. It’s very generous of you.”

A sharp, beeping sound ended the heart-to-heart chat about baby shoes, pulling the both of us back into reality.

“I am so sorry.” I said in an embarrassed voice. “It’s the dryer, laundry must be ready.”

“Did you wash the covers of Brahms’ bed?” She asked, taking a sip of tea. “I realized they were gone when I went upstairs to look for the shoes.”

My face rushed with blood as the heated scene between Brahms and me started to play in my head over and over again. _Come on, think of something else. Something simple and distracting. Puppies and bunnies. Ice cream. The weather. Brahms’ sighs in my ear… What?!_

“I… accidentally spilled some tea on them while…. I was cleaning his toys.” I lied, feeling my cheeks being as hot as the fresh tea I allegedly spilled on the covers.

For a moment I saw the wrinkles deepen on Mrs. Heelshire’s forehead as she frowned but then she was back to being cheerful again.

“You should take them upstairs then. It’s bedtime soon, right Brahms?” She babbled.

“Yes, Mrs. Heelshire.” I nodded and I wasn’t needed to be told twice. I ran to the laundry room, taking the heavy covers out of the dryer, then grabbing the baby shoes from the table. The old lady was following my every move with her eyes.

“Thank you for the shoes again, Mrs. Heelshire.” I smiled, my cheeks still pink.

She nodded politely and I left the venue of my shameful lie, carrying two red covers and a pair of white baby shoes.


	89. Midnight Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments guys, you have no idea how much feedback means to me because I can actually see that you read my story. Seriously, that's what keeps me going.
> 
> Btw, I realized that I end up writing smuts in almost every other chapter lately… Am I trying to tell myself something??? XD Anyway, I hope you're not bored with my smut writing skills yet. :D Enjoy!

“Look how cute they are! I can’t believe they used to fit you.” I giggled enthusiastically, swinging his own baby shoes in front of Brahms’ face.

“Marvelous.” He yawned, trying to flinch from the crocheted objects. He didn’t seem impressed by the idea of how tiny his feet used to be and what an adorable baby he must have been. Bored. That’s what he looked like. “Come here.”

He gently grabbed me and I found myself pushed on bed with him on top of me.

“Careful!” I scolded him. “You’ll destroy the shoes.”

“What’s so special about these shoes?” He grimaced.

I rolled my eyes at him, couldn’t believe he didn’t care.

“Your aunt crocheted them for you. You used to wear them as a newborn baby.” I explained again but all I got in return was a _“so what”_ kind of look.

I let Brahms place the shoes on the nightstand after I’d let out a long, resigned sigh. The next moment he was on me again, kissing my neck all of a sudden.

“You could’ve at least showed a little more enthusiasm.” I murmured.

“They are lovely, Alison.” Brahms sighed against my neck but wouldn’t have stopped what he was doing.

I made disapproving sound. Brahms finally stopped kissing me and looked at me with his eyebrows high, clearly not understanding what my problem was.

“You’re such a man.” I rebuked him. He made a confused face now, normally it would’ve been a compliment for him after spending his entire twenties as an eight year old but my tone made it clear that it was rather a reproof than a praise.

“Why are those shoes so important to you?” He asked impatiently, getting frustrated.

“Because they belonged to you.” I answered. _Duh._

“I can give you one of my shirts if you want something that belonged to me.” He frowned.

“That’s not the same.” I rolled my eyes but I started to get confused as well about my own motives of adoring the tiny accessories. “They were yours when you were a baby.”

“So?” Brahms was blinking at me with the dumbest face he was capable of doing.

“I don’t know!” I shrugged, my cheeks pink. “I just imagined you being a tiny baby and it… made me a little emotional, that’s all I guess.”

Brahms kept staring at me a little longer but suddenly a spark of understanding appeared in his green eyes.

“Maybe… Maybe one day we’ll have a baby on our own who can wear them.” He said, his face embarrassed. “That’s what you wanted me to say, didn’t you Ali?”

Now it was my turn to look embarrassed. To be honest even I wasn’t sure what I wanted him to say about the baby shoes.

“It probably just… makes me wonder about our future, you know?” I mumbled.

“Our future?” Brahms asked back.

“Yeah… We can’t have a future in this house, Brahms. Not while your family’s still here.” I blurted out.

As I had expected, he didn’t like what he heard.

“I’m sorry but it’s true. I know this is your home but if you want a life with me then we finally need to consider other options as well.”

“Like moving away?” He asked with a sad face.

“Yes. I honestly have no idea how and where. I won’t lie to you, our life wouldn’t be easy.” I sighed. “I wish at least Mr. Nelson was alive to help us. I mean, you don’t even have an I.D… Anyway, you’d need to get a job regardless. We could find you one that wouldn’t require contacting too many people. It would be pretty terrifying at the beginning but you’d get used to it. We could live on the country, far from crowded cities.”

I saw anxiety appearing on Brahms’ features by my words so I started to caress his face to comfort him.

“I know it’s scary but this is the only way to be together in peace.” I explained.

“I don’t know.” He murmured.

“You don’t know what?” I asked, getting irritated. _Doesn’t he understand that we don’t have any other options?_

He shrugged instead of answering and moved away only a tiny bit but enough for me to notice. I hated when he flinched, it somehow hurt my feelings ridiculously bad.

“I’m not saying we need to leave right now.” I told him, using all my strength not to show how much his hesitation hurt me as well.

“I understand. It’s just scary.” He laid his head on the pillow next to me and looked into my eyes.

“I know.” I smiled gently. “It’s scary even for me, you know. But it’s also exciting, isn’t it? Imagine, we could be free. Just you and me. We could live like a family. Isn’t it what you always wanted?”

He kept staring at me for a little longer, then suddenly moved into my arms, burying his curly head into my chest like a little boy would seek comfort after having a nightmare.

For a second a whiny voice in my head complained about how she didn’t want a child, she wanted a man who could take care of her.

_No. This is Brahms as well. The scared boy is a part of him too and I chose to love him with all of his darkness. It’ll be alright, we’ll figure everything out. Nothing bad can happen as long as he’s here with me I can hold him in my arms._

“Ali…” He moved back next to me while holding my hand. “I really want a future with you. No matter what it costs.”

_Good. Good enough for a start._

I gave him a small but happy smile and kissed him slowly. He returned the gesture, his hand followed not long after, sliding right under my t-shirt.

“What do you want?” I asked as if I couldn’t read from the pretty clear signs.

Of course he didn’t answer, his lips were too busy kissing the crook of my neck.

“Brahms… You want it again? Seriously?” I teased.

“Hush now and put your lips on mine.” He demanded and I got so surprised of his bossy tone that did as he said.

The air started to get quite hot around us, Brahms’ kisses moving down my body. Down my breasts, my belly, my thigh…

He pulled my panties on the side and tasted me, making me stroke my finger through his dark hair and buck my hips against his face. He started to move his tongue faster so my fist tightened around his curls and a loud sigh left my lips when suddenly…

Ring, ring, ring…

My heart almost stopped when the old fashioned phone started to ring on the nightstand. Brahms lifted up his head as well in the direction of the phone, his eyes just as terrified as mine.

“Who the hell is calling this late?” I asked automatically, not expecting any calls at midnight.

Brahms only sent me a confused look.

“Hello?” I answered the call in a high-pitched voice, not expecting anything good from the other end of the line.

“Good evening, Alison. It’s Max.” I heard the voice of Brahms’ cousin.

I didn’t understand what was happening, I heard him and Mr. Heelshire arrive back an hour before. _They must be home, why would he call me from the same building? It doesn’t make any sense._

“Max?” I asked back in complete confusion.

“I apologize for interrupting this late. Father and I didn’t want to come into your room at this time of the day, we thought you might get scared if we did.”

I was shocked.

_How is it less scary to get a call at midnight?! I swear these people are crazier than all the patients of a nuthouse together._

“Is something wrong?” That was all I was able to ask.

“Everything’s alright, don’t worry.” Max chuckled.

I looked at Brahms, not knowing what I was supposed to say to his cousin. But Brahms seemingly was more annoyed than shocked, he probably believed that Max just wanted an excuse to chat to me, maybe invite me for a drink again.

_Oh, God…_

Brahms grimaced and buried his face back in between my legs, continuing what he’d been doing before the distracting phone call. I desperately tried to push his head away but he was too stubborn, slowly kissing me down there.

“Em… What ma-akes you call me thi-is late then, Max?” I stuttered into the phone, trying to keep my cool.

“We wanted to talk to you about something urgent and hoped that you could come to Father’s office for a quick chat.” Max explained as if the situation wasn’t odd enough already.

My legs started to shake while Brahms was passionately licking and sucking my sensitive spots.

“You mean right now…?” I gabbled, my breathing heavy. I needed all my strength not to moan into the phone out of pleasure and possibly get myself fired. I pulled Brahms’ curls hard, making a last hopeless attempt to stop the tease but he pinned my hips down to the sheets, not even worrying about my grip around his precious curls.

_Damn, it feels so good…_

“Yes, please. If it’s not too much to ask this late.” I heard Max’s answer but my brain couldn’t cope with the happenings of the outer world anymore.

I almost screamed and had to cover the speaker part of the phone with my hand when Brahms started to use two of his fingers as well, stretching me in such a pleasurable way that it was too much for my body to handle without making any noise.

“I’ll be downstairs in five minutes. By-ye!” I told Max, slamming the phone back to its place in a rough motion.

“Ah, God… More. I want more. Make me cum, please!” I cried out to the curly haired man between my legs and didn’t need to ask him twice. Squelching sounds pervaded the room as his fingers and tongue took a speed that made me completely breathless.

I pulled his hair again as I came, forcing Brahms to sip all my fluids mixed up with his own saliva.

“You’re killing me…” I sighed when I was able to inhale oxygen regularly again after the explosive orgasm he had given to me.

He climbed on top of me and his smirk looked even hotter now that his face was soaked by my fluids. “I’m not done with you.” He purred into my ear spiced with his refined British accent.

“Let me go, Brahms. I need to find out what your relatives want from me. I’ll come back and we can… finish.” I whined but Brahms had already opened his trousers, ready to fuck my brains out.

“No.” He sighed and pushed his cock inside.

I moaned, my body tightening around his shaft as if it wanted him to spurt his seeds deep in me right away. Brahms’ eyes slightly rolled back when he felt my vagina squeezing him and I knew exactly then that it would be a quick session this time.

“You need to take it out, babe. You can’t cum - _ah_ \- inside…” I moaned while he was slamming his hips against mine. He growled to express his disapproval and fucked me harder. I deepened my fingertips in his shoulders, throwing my head back to reach his lips for a hot kiss.

We stared into each other’s eyes while we were moving together and all I could see was the sparkling greenness above me filled with passion and pleasure. I pulled him to me to taste his tongue and lips which made our lovemaking even more heated. _So satisfying…_ That’s what it felt.

After a minute Brahms’ kiss became just as sloppy as his movements, his moans needy like he was trying to reach something no matter what. I held onto his shoulders while he buried his cock in me over and over again and I tried to keep up with his rhythm, moving my hips against his.

He suddenly growled into my ear and pressed his face against my cheek.

I was convinced he’d cum inside but surprisingly he pulled out the last moment and released on my belly, using his own hand to help himself.

“You’re such a good boy, Brahms.” I praised and let out a long, calm sigh. Little did I know about how these things worked for men but just in case, I assured him that it might get easier after some practice. I wanted him to feel confident about himself.

He sank down for a slow kiss, then took a few tissues from the nightstand to clean me up.

“What do you think they want from me?” I asked his opinion while he was wiping his cum from my belly.

“I don’t know, Alison.” He answered honestly.

“Will you be watching over me?” I asked in a timid voice. The butterflies in my belly told me how much I’d appreciate if he was listening to the conversation from one of the secret passages. _How unpredictable life can be… A few months ago I would’ve done anything so he couldn’t watch my every step and listen to my private chats and now I find it comforting knowing he’s always behind me even if I can’t see him._

“I’ll be there with you.” Brahms nodded with a serious face.

A grateful smile was all I could give him in return before get myself ready for the midnight talk with the Heelshires.


	90. The Craziest Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new chapter day! :D The next one (Chapter 91) will be in Brahms' POV and start with a one month time jump. I'm already working on it although the next few days will be very busy for me. But I'm planning to upload next week anyway. ;) Enjoy!

“Don’t leave me!” Brahms begged, his voice pleading although his green eyes sparkled from rage.

“I don’t have any other choice. You heard your uncle.” I said, trying to calm him down so his family wouldn’t hear us arguing in the nightly silence behind my closed door.

“I don’t care!” He said between his gritted teeth and needed all his presence not to scream. “You can’t leave now that we’re finally happy. After everything we’ve been through... They can’t send you away, not now!”

“You see, Brahms? That’s exactly what I was talking about earlier when I told you we need to get away for good. We’ll never find peace in this house.”

Brahms hurried to the closet angrily and for a second or two I truly believed he’d punch a hole in it but he didn’t. He just pressed his forehead against the wooden door, his hands formed into fists, only a tiny, desperate punch followed out of frustration.

I was just as much devastated, sitting on the edge of my bed, anxiously playing with the string of my black hoodie.

_“We have good news for you, Miss Heikki.” Mr. Heelshire welcomed me in his office after asking me to take a seat in one of his comfortable, pricy office chairs._

I couldn’t imagine what kind of a good news he could have for me but certainly didn’t expect what he was about to say.

_“We’re sending you on holidays.” The uncle claimed with his son sitting by his side with an honest smile on his model-like face._

_“Excuse me?” I saw the Heelshires exchange a meaningful look, my not so polite question surprised them._

_“It’ll be paid holidays, of course.” The old man added with a chuckle._

_I was still sitting there, frowning. I had no clue what was going on, why would they send me on holidays all of a sudden. And especially, why was it so urgent to announce that it couldn’t wait until the morning._

_“That means you’ll still get full payment but you’ll be free of work.” Max explained after I’d remained silent._

_“I know what it means.” I said in a way more impatient tone that I intended to. Max raised his eyebrows high and I saw longing excitement in his blue gaze, my raw answer might have turned him on a little bit. Not that I cared, I was too confused to focus on anything else._

_“The upcoming weeks will be very momentous for our family, Alison.” Mr. Heelshire claimed. I already noted that he tended to call me ‘Alison’ instead of ‘Miss Heikki’ only when he was irritated with me. Yes, he probably didn’t appreciate my cheekiness as much as his son._

_“Momentous?” I frowned._

_“Indeed.” The uncle nodded. “All you need to know is that we are organizing a remarkable party, guests will come from all over the country. Some even from other parts of the world. Now, we obviously need a lot of preparation so everything will be ready for the big day. Also, some guests might stay for a few days. I’m sure that you would understand that we need the house empty, Miss Heikki.”_

No. I didn’t understand.

_“I apologize for dragging you down this late but I’m afraid I need to leave again for business early in the morning.” He added._

_I kept staring at the uncle as if he was completely out of his mind._

_“So I can’t stay in the house for the next few weeks…” I summarized, still didn’t have a clue why I can’t just do my job, clean and sit in my room while the posh people are partying downstairs._

_“For two months, to be accurate.” The old man smiled cheerfully as if it was indeed good news._

_“Two months…?” I stammered in a high-pitched voice. I suddenly felt dizzy and found myself sweating under the black hoodie I was wearing over my sleeping t-shirt. They want to send me away for two months?!_

_“Two months of paid holidays. Doesn’t it sound wonderful?” Max asked with an encouraging smile, sensing that I wasn’t as happy as they had expected._

_I moved my gaze at the blonde guy, staring at him as if he completely lost his mind just like his father. Yes, normally it’d sound awesome, getting paid for doing nothing. But not now._

_Brahms. I can’t be without him for two months. I’m kinda in love with him, right…?_

_“You can spend time with your family, Miss Heikki. We will pay for your flight as well. Or you can visit your friend in France. Maybe both. Won’t it be delightful?”_

_“It will be.” I forced myself to agree, at least verbally. “But… I have a life here and two months might be a little too long to stay away.”_

_Both Mr. Heelshire and Max frowned visibly for a second. Since I spent all my free time in the manor, they couldn’t imagine what life I was talking about._

_“I’m sure the grocery girl… Rose will understand.” He uncle answered._

It felt hopeless and a total waste of time to argue with my employers about something that made such a perfect sense for them so I just agreed. What else could I do?

Brahms was faster than me, he was already in my room when I managed to climb the stairs again. His hands were shaking from anger and desperation so I knew it wouldn’t be an easy conversation. I was pretty mad as well, the Heelshires’ timing as awful as it could have been.

 

Now, Brahms walked to my bed from the closet, sat on the bed and looked down at me. His eyes filled with pure sorrow.

I hugged him close and left a comforting kiss on his jawline since that was all I could reach from the tall man.

“We will be alright, Brahms. We’ve been through much worse. At least now you know that I’ll be back for hundred percent sure. I would never, ever leave you.”

The comforting words didn’t make either of us feel better.

“I don’t think I can handle not knowing anything about you for two months, Alison.” Brahms said, his voice getting closer and closer to being heartbreakingly sad.

“We can at least talk on the phone. You can call me any time.” I told him but somehow my argument was too poor to be a consolation.

“I don’t want to call you, I want to hold you. Like now.” He muffled against the top of my head.

“I know. I love you too. And I don’t want to leave you, not even for two months. I love you so much.”

We kept cuddling for another ten minutes. _Three days. Three goddamn days._ That’s all we got until I’d need to leave the Heelshire manor. For a minute I even felt the urge to cry but fortunately it faded, only a miserable emptiness stayed in my chest.

“Let’s go to bed, it’s so late.” I told Brahms and he agreed with a sad nod. There was literally nothing we could do at the moment.

So we just quietly got ready for bed one more time that evening.

 

We continued cuddling under the covers, neither of us could fall asleep for a while thanks to the “good” news we had just received. I simply couldn’t believe it. Finally when we just full-heartedly got together and fell in love I got kicked out of the house for two months. _How could this happen?_

I kept gazing in the darkness for a little longer, my brain too hyper and my blood pressure too high to be able to sleep. But then exhaustion won and I gave in, my eyes finally closed.

“Darkness!”

My eyelids popped up when I heard Brahms mumble next to my head. For a moment I didn’t even know where I was and needed another few seconds to put my sleepy self together.

“Mm?” I hummed.

“Darkness might be a solution!” He repeated excitedly.

“What are you talking about?” I moaned in a tired voice.

“You don’t need to leave, Alison. You can stay with me in the darkness.”

I needed some time to comprehend what he was saying and entirely wake up.

“You mean… you want me to stay with you… in the walls?” I asked slowly.

“Exactly.” He answered, hugging me on his chest.

“No. No way.” I protested automatically.

“Why not?” Brahms asked.

“Because…” I smattered, trying to find a good excuse. _I mean, how could I live like Brahms, hiding inside the dark, moldy walls like a shadow for two months? “_ Because it’s insane.”

Brahms let out a bitter chuckle, moving his face away from me to express how much I hurt his feelings.

“That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry.” I apologized, although he wasn’t stupid, he knew that it was exactly what I meant.

“You said you didn’t want to leave me, Alison.”

“I don’t. But Brahms… How do you imagine the situation? I’d accept the plane tickets to France and lie about travelling there to visit my friend? Maybe even get a cab to the airport and then… ask Aaron to drive me back secretly and sneak back into the walls in the middle of the night? Then stay with you, hiding in the walls?” I looked at Brahms, although all I could see from him in the dark was the sparkling of his eyes. “Stealing food from the kitchen, watching people and just be together… in your lair…”

Until I finished my little speech we both knew it wasn’t a question anymore. It was a plan. My sleepy brain woke up in a second as my heart was racing from excitement.

“We need to call Aaron tomorrow.” I added and Brahms gave me an enthusiastic kiss as an approval.

 

“Did you fall and hit your head onto something?” Aaron tried to joke after I had shared the crazy plan with him.

He agreed on meeting me the next day at a small dead end type of road not far from the manor so we were now standing next to the police car in between a few tall oaks. Our feet were sunk into the incredible amount of snow that had fallen the previous day.

“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” I rolled my eyes, feeling embarrassed for asking the policeman to assist in my crazy plan.

“Oh, I _know_ that you are, Alison.” He answered, it probably wasn’t a joke this time. “I understand that you don’t want to leave your… boyfriend for such a long time but I’m not happy about you staying with those people secretly. What would they do to you if something goes wrong and they catch you?”

“But they won’t.” I shook my head, my cheeks feeling hot from Aaron calling Brahms my boyfriend. “Don’t forget that I’ll be with a person with twenty-five years of experience.”

“Right.” The policeman chuckled sarcastically. “So you’re in love, aren’t you?”

My heart missed a beat, didn’t expect a question like this.

“Okay, your face tells it all, sweetheart. You’re completely smitten, I can see it.” Aaron giggled, making my cheeks feel even hotter. “You fell in love with an allegedly dead guy living in the walls. It would be a great story, you should totally write a novel about your life one day.”

“Ha-ha, very funny.” I reacted on his tease with an embarrassed grin. “Could you please focus on the plan and stop turning my current emotional vulnerability against me?”

He laughed a little at my cynical request.

“Fine.” He rolled his brown eyes. “But don’t forget about my conditions. You can’t investigate on your own. So you need to stay inside the walls and call me immediately if you experience something shady.”

“Of course. Thank you, Aaron.” I told him in a grateful voice.

“No worries. See you at the airport on Friday then?” He asked.

I just knew he got a little excited as well about the absurdness of our plan. We were too much alike.

“See you on Friday.” I nodded with a determined smile.


	91. The Girl in the Walls - Brahms’ POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess, what’s in this chapter again...? XD But hey, they’re in love and just got together, who could blame them? This time it’ll be a little different though, written in Brahms’ POV. And of course, other important things are included, don’t forget to pay attention to details. Welcome to Brahms' head again! ;)

 

**One Month Later**

 

I was wandering around in the secret passages, determined to find Alison. She said she just went for a quick walk downstairs to move her legs. Obviously, she couldn’t leave the walls, my whole family was convinced that she’d been spending time in France with her friend.

But she wasn’t in France, nor in Finland, she didn’t leave me this time. She chose to stay with me. My Alison. In my room. In my bed where the Greta doll used to lie. Well, obviously I didn’t need it anymore. I needed my Ali. And having her with me was nothing less but a dream come true.

The last month was like Heaven, everything I ever wanted turned into reality. I always believed my only chance for a happily ever after was to force my nanny to stay with me by manipulation and physical power over her. But reality was much better than that ridiculous fake happiness I dreamed for myself. Alison’s love was real and unconditional and so was mine towards her.

It was hard to say goodbye when she traveled to the airport to make our lie believable but surprisingly only a tiny doubt appeared in me. I somehow knew that she would come back later just like we had discussed. The Aaron guy drove her back and she sneaked back in the middle of the night, using the same opening in the woods which made it possible for Greta to escape six months ago. When my Alison jumped into my arms with the widest grin on her pretty face, I knew it for sure. _We’re going to be together until the day we die._

I finally saw her. She was standing under one of the light bulbs, pressing her nose against the wall. I stood there to watch her for a while, giggling to myself because I knew how much she would enjoy watching people secretly. I knew her very well.

She was barefoot just like me, wearing nothing but the black, lacy dress, the one I loved so much on her. My Alison had changed quite a bit, for sure. She wasn’t cold and controlling anymore, she learned how to let go of worrying, live in the moment and have fun. And we had lots of fun together.

I sneaked behind the lovely girl silently and grabbed her from behind, covering her mouth with my palm before she could have screamed from surprise.

I kept my hand over her lips as she tilted her head back to catch my eyes. Her eyes were filled with playfulness when she looked up at me and I returned the cheeky look before pressing my face against the wall to see what she had been watching.

“I told you I was sorry, Stephanie. What else do you want me to say?” Isabella, a pretty, blonde thirty-something said to her sister.

“Nothing, Bella. Let’s forget about yesterday, shall we?” Stephanie answered in a silent tone, almost whispering so nobody would hear their secret chat. The women were anxiously sipping tea on the sofa of my living room, obviously being clueless about two people listening inside the walls.

“It isn’t my fault that he finds me prettier.” Bella said in a provocative tone and I knew then the conversation would end just as badly as yesterday.

“You’re so full of yourself, aren’t you?!” Stephanie asked between her gritted teeth and put the teacup on the coffee table.

Bella finally realized that her egoistic tease wouldn’t do any good for her relationship with her sister so she remained silent this time, only a grimace sat on her face.

Bella and Stephanie were two sisters, two guests from the party last night. They fell for the same man - so called William - a sixty year old bachelor from Wales who happened to be one of the wealthiest guests of Uncle.

Not that I cared about the lives of these annoying people but I had to admit that it was quite funny watching their drama from the walls with Alison. I believed Uncle’s party was going to be the most boring thing of the century but it turned out to be very enjoyable for us, even if we weren’t invited and nobody knew we were there, observing everything.

Some of the guests stayed for another few days with Uncle and Auntie which I wasn’t happy about. No matter how much fun we had with Alison getting an inside look of these dull people’s lives, I didn’t appreciate such a crowd being in my house. Yes, _my_ house. It was still my house, regardless of Uncle acting as if it had always belonged to him.

I formed my lips into a smug smile and slowly let my hand fall from Ali’s soft mouth, pulling her a few inches away from the wall. That was my way of telling her that I had enough for today. Fortunately, she didn’t protest. She placed her small hands on mine and gently pushed them down her bare thighs, pressing her butt against my pants.

It was an indubitable hint, I’d already learned that. My smirk widened as I slipped a hand under her dress, stroking the soft inner thighs of hers.

I sighed into her hair silently and my mouth partly opened from surprise when I realized that she wasn’t wearing any underwear. She threw her head back and looked up at me again, sending me a playful, seductive smile. The cheeky girl.

 _Let’s give her what she wants._ I heard the voice in my head, not that it was possible to resist such a tease. I started to kiss the crook of her neck from behind, trying not to make squelching sounds with my mouth. My fingers caressed her between her thighs and I felt incredibly pleased when she moved her head to the side so I have more access to her smooth skin.

I inhaled her sweet scent while one of my hands gave a massage to her breasts over the dress, the rough lacy material rubbing my palm, my other hand moved up her thigh. My fingertips stroked her folds and I almost whimpered loudly as my hand slid easily on her already moist skin.

Alison’s body twitched when my fingers slipped into her softness, fondling her slowly in circling motions, knowing that was how she enjoyed being touched down there. I felt her legs slightly shaking so I moved even closer to her body to hold her weight but it seemed to be a mistake. A pretty big one.

In the heat of the moment, we stepped on an unfixed part of the wooden floor which made a long, creaking sound under us, making the guests jump.

“Did you hear that?” Stephanie jumped, moving her gaze onto the wall.

“What the hell was that?” Bella stood up from her seat as well, placing her teacup on the small table next to her sister’s.

Stephanie walked right to the wall, the exact same spot Alison and I were standing.

I snaked my arms around Ali and flinched with her to the opposite wall of the passage. My reaction was fast, I had been living in these passages my whole life after all.

“I swear it came from here.” I heard Stephanie’s voice. She even knocked on the wall, trying to find out what the strange noise was.

“This house is creepy, Steph. Maybe the gossips are true and it’s indeed haunted by the boy’s ghost. The one who died here in that fire. He was Mr. Heelshire’s nephew, wasn’t he?”

“Or someone’s trying to play a trick on us.” Stephanie dodged her sister’s question.

“You might be right. It must be William then, maybe he’s trying to prank us.” Bella claimed, her voice still a little shaky.

“Of course, you’re thinking about him again, aren’t you?!” Stephanie outraged as she turned back to Bella in not a well-mannered way.

“Here we go again…” Bella whined and I knew that we could breathe because the sisters were back to their usual activity. Arguing about men.

We exchanged a relieved look with Alison and carefully moved back into another passage which wasn’t connected to any rooms. She let out a silent chuckle there and I pushed her to the wall, crushing my lips onto hers passionately.

 

She opened the door and entered my secret room with my hand in hers, trying to drag me to the bed. I didn’t want to go to bed this time though. I pulled her hand back gently, sending her a playful smile before lifting up and seating my Alison on the table.

She didn’t try to protest. Moreover, she opened her legs for me after I’d kneed down and tucked up the pretty dress, exposing her entire womanhood for my gaze. It was so pink and already swollen, glistening from her fluids in the most delicious way possible. _Such an arousing sight._

She supported herself on the elbows, rewarding me with loud moans while I was pleasuring her with my tongue and lips. She was so delicious…

I felt her fingers deep in my hair as she attempted to pull me closer to her body which urged me to take her right here and right now. But I didn’t do just yet, I wanted to give her some more time to get ready for merging together with me.

I stopped licking her and looked into her lustful eyes instead, then pushed two fingers inside her. I loved her reaction, I loved how a short curse left those pretty lips in pleasure.

I kept stretching her and massaging her soft inner walls meanwhile brushing my lips on the tender thighs until my tongue arrived back to where it was supposed to be. Alison pulled my hair roughly and I knew that she was close to end around my lips and fingers.

 _Not yet._ I didn’t want her to reach climax yet, I planned something else for my girl. I grinned wickedly on the inside at her frustrated whine when I moved away from her wet spot.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as if I was clueless about the source of the complaining.

“Why are you so mean to me, Brahms?” She asked, sitting up on the table after I had stood up from my previous position. “You enjoy toying with me?”

I didn’t answer, only smirked and gave her a gentle kiss. Alison grabbed my shoulders though, pulling me into her lips deeper in such a needy motion that it made me chuckle into her mouth.

She slid from the table onto her feet, then went down on her knees in front of my bulge. I watched her unzip my trousers and free my already hard cock. She kept the eye contact for the whole time what almost made lose my patience, simply throw her back on the table and fuck her hard but I held my passion back. _Who could say no to those gorgeous, soft lips?_

“I created a monster.” Alison gave me a last complaint about my previous tease before stroking her tongue on the tip, licking off the glistering fluid caused by my burning want for this woman.

I watched her suck my cock for a while, enjoying the sight and the excitation her amazing lips gave me. I couldn’t believe how good she was, making my knees wobbly in a minute.

But the moment when I completely lost my mind was the one when I realized where Alison’s other hand was. Playing with herself under the black dress.

“Are you enjoying sucking me that much, pretty Ali?” I gasped with a satisfied half-smile, pushing her head a little closer to the base.

She made a hum of approval, continuing to bob her head on my cock which almost pushed me to the edge.

“Alright, that’s enough.” I growled and pulled out of her mouth. “Come here, gorgeous.”

I seated her back on the table in a firm motion and lifted up her dress greedily. She lay down on her back and opened her legs for me for the second time, her blue eyes filled with anticipation as I grabbed her thighs and pulled her closer to me.

I penetrated her with a painfully slow move. I wanted her to feel every single inch, how I was making her mine again. A long, delicious moan escaped her throat when finally no space left inside of her. I felt like I could’ve pushed it further but her body wasn’t ready for that yet.

I moved in and out slowly, enjoying the soft touch and intense squeeze of her walls. Watching the exposed sight made it even more pleasurable as my cock disappeared in her again and again, my skin covered in her juices.

She loved it slow. She stared up at me with an admiring look, making soft moans with every single thrust. I couldn’t help but send her a silent smile which she returned eagerly along with another whimper.

“Do you like this?” I asked, burying myself into her a little deeper but keeping the slow pace.

“Yeah, Bra-ahms!” She sighed as she pulled my hand onto her womanhood. “I can feel you so much.”

I smirked again and started to rub her clit with my thumb while sinking into her repeatedly.

Soon she grabbed onto the edge of the table and threw her head back in passion. She was close again and this time I wanted to give it to her, I wanted to make her feel good. I held onto her thigh with one hand while rubbing her with the other one and started to fuck her hard.

The table under her slightly moved together with my sudden harsh thrusts, slamming my cock inside her as deep as possible. We both panted as she came, writhing on the table and whining loudly.

There was only one thing I loved even more than watching Alison reaching climax. Feeling her body pulsating rhythmically around my shaft during her orgasm was definitely my favorite part of sex, urging me to release as well.

I gripped her hips tight with both hands and fucked her faster and rougher until the tension in my body reached such a high level that I couldn’t hold back my climax anymore.

I pulled out with a growl and spurted a load of cum on Alison’s thigh.

It all went well, I wasn’t clumsy anymore, knew exactly when I had to withdraw. I would’ve liked to cum inside so much but she had told me about all, that we needed to at least reduce the risk of me creating a baby for her.

She made a satisfied giggle, stroking the back of my hand still resting on her hips.

“That felt good.” She said after sitting up on the table.

“Yeah.” I sighed and sealed our agreement with a kiss.

 

We were cuddling in my bed, her, playing with my hair and sending me gentle looks. Sometimes I still couldn’t believe that this was indeed happening, that she was mine to love and take care of.

I took a glimpse at my room while stroking her waist over the black dress. It looked like nothing before, it was clean and organized, everything was standing in perfect order on the shelves and in the cupboards. I still wasn’t sure how to feel about my “new” room. It was strange to have everything organized, although I had to admit it was much nicer to live in a dust free, clean area.

It was Alison’s only wish after she had secretly moved inside the walls so we attempt some “deep cleaning” together. I made a slight grimace as I recalled how annoyed I had been with her during the process. She was bossing me around and making comments about my room like she couldn’t believe how I’d been able to live like this.

But I also realized how happy it made her when we cleaned together and I wanted her to be happy. The happiest she’d ever been. She was mine to love and take care of after all.

I was pulled back into the present moment by Ali making a stir in my arms.

“I missed you so much.” She sighed calmly.

“We’re always together…” I frowned, not understanding the reason she had missed me.

“Not like that, silly.” She chuckled and supporting her head on her elbow to be able to look into my eyes.

“Oh… I missed you too.” I responded when I finally realized from her embarrassed cheeks what she meant. She meant she missed me in bed.

The unharmed side of my face suddenly turned just as pink as hers when I realized that was the first time we made love in a week because she had that time of the month when she was bleeding for a few days. Having her period, as she called it. Some of the things that I still found strange.

“What would you like to do tonight?” I asked, stroking a light brown lock between my fingers.

“We can go out for a walk in the woods after sunset.” She answered with an enthusiastic sparkle in her eyes.

I couldn’t hold back my smiling. She wanted to go for an early night walk almost every day since she’d moved in my room. She missed the touch of the open air on her skin, I thought it was only about that, although soon I realized she simply enjoyed wandering around in the dark forest by my side. She found it exciting and thought about our walks as adventures.

“We can do that.” I nodded and kissed her. She giggled cheerfully and let my lips land on hers.

 

So long story short, we were happy and truly in love. There was only one tiny detail interfering our happiness, the one that started to be more and more frustrating every day. _My nightmares._

First, they were about the fire but soon went a few hours back in time, right into the woods. I had nightmares about Emily Cribbs. They were almost the same, her tease and mockery between the eerie oaks and dense bushes, then running to Mummy with the bloody rock in my hand.

What happened in between? Still a mystery. A scream and someone being hit hard. That was all I could hear when I tried to recall the memory so I decided to give up and just leave it.

Every time I tried to recall what happened in between Emily’s hurtful words and finding Mummy, I got the worst migraine without any result. I was incapable of bringing back the memory or maybe deep down I didn’t even want to. _Why would I want to remember crushing someone’s skull with a heavy rock?_ Maybe it was for the best my brain tried to keep me in the dark forever.

_I should leave it the way it is. I could do nothing for Emily now, I couldn’t bring her back. It’s too late. What happened, happened and it should stay in the past. Buried._

_Nothing could destroy my happiness now that Alison is finally mine. I won’t let that happen._

“Let’s read something.” I offered and she agreed so I got up to find an interesting book. _Distraction. That can work._

I chose a sweet story with a fairy-tale-like ending. I let out a long sigh and joined Alison back in bed, being convinced that a happily ever after could make real life seem brighter as well.


	92. Are You Dead?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I brought a new chapter for you today. Alison is dreaming so don't get too surprised. :D Jessica Holt's storyline (together with all the dark secrets) is coming back since the finale of the story is getting closer and closer. Enjoy!

_I’m walking leisurely in the woods, following the beaten track with tiny, slow steps._

_“Thank you for coming. I have to admit, I started to have doubts when you threw away my necklace but… Deep down I always knew you would never let me down.”_

_Jessica says while walking by my side, holding her arms behind her back the same way Brahms does it all the time. Twittering sounds can be heard from the crown of the tall oaks as the birds are singing in the spring afternoon._

_“I came because we need to talk.” I tell the redhead in a relaxed tone._

_“I was scared you would forget about me, Alison.” She notes. There’s a pale threatening undertone in her voice which I’m able to ignore easily._

_“How could I forget about you? Even if I threw away your medallion a month ago, you’re like a ghost haunting everyone in that house. Including me, even if I never knew you.” I shrug._

_“We might have never met but you know me the most, don’t you forget that.” She says factually._

_“Of course.” I roll my eyes._

_“Let’s talk about something else. Something happier.” She chuckles, the afternoon sunlight glistering on her freckles. “How is being in love going for you?”_

_“It’s nice.” I flush, a tiny smile appears on my face._

_“He really makes you happy, doesn’t he?” Jessica grins. “I’m so proud of my little Brahmsy. He grew into a real man. Good job that you made with him, you two really deserve to be happy with each other.”_

_“Well… Things can never be fully perfect, can they?” I mumble bitterly, thinking about the night terror Brahms has been suffering from lately. “He has nightmares about that day…”_

_Jessica doesn’t answer but her eyes take such a dark tint to them it was impossible not to recognize._

_“Jess…” I start, my patience slowly fading. “I did everything you wanted me to do.”_

_“You did, didn’t you?” The pretty redhead pulls her full lips into a half-smile when she looks at me._

_“I did.” I try to convince her about my worthiness for the secrets she promised to share with me in my last dream. “I overcame my biggest fear, embraced my darkness and gave in for my emotions. I let him love me as a whole. I did it all that you asked me. But I still don’t have all the pieces. I still don’t know what happened to you and what is that the Heelshires up to. I still can’t figure out what it is that I’ve been missing all along.”_

_Jessica let out a long, frustrated sigh._

_“Maybe it is because things are more complicated than you thought. Than the both of us thought.”_

_“But you know more than I do. You know everything. Why don’t you just tell me?!” I ask, getting annoyed with this girl talking in rebus instead of just telling me everything she knows about the Heelshires’ plans and past secrets._

_“I can’t do that, Alison.” She shook her head, the ginger crown bouncing around her head._

_“But he’s suffering, Jess. He tries to hide it but I know those nightmares will destroy him.” I outburst._

_“The memory is what would destroy him, Alison.” Jessica says with a cold look in her eyes._

_“I don’t understand. He killed Emily, he hit her with that rock, we all know that. He knows it too, he even remembers her scream and the sound of her skull crushing. Why would it be so unbearable for him to actually bring that memory back?” I ask, my brain working crazily, trying to understand Brahms’ unconscious. I was somehow still convinced that Jessica could help me with that._

_“I told you it’s more complicated than you think.” The redhead repeats herself._

_“Did you see him doing it?” I ask suddenly._

_“Did I see him doing what?” She asks back in a mysterious voice that starts pissing me off._

_“To hit Emily.” I answer impatiently. “I know that you were there on the Heelshire property on his birthday. I know you’d visited him before Brahms and Emily went into the woods to play. Maybe you tried to leave secretly and saw the children fighting. You could also see what happened exactly, that Brahms hit her with the rock because she was making fun of him again. Or maybe…”_

_My voice fades as a dreadful idea pops into my mind._

_“Maybe what, Alison?” Jessica grins at me sinisterly as we suddenly stop next to a darker part of the forest._

_“Maybe it wasn’t Brahms who killed Emily. Maybe it was you.” I blurt out._

_“Do you honestly believe I’d be capable of murdering a little girl?” Jessica asks, an honest spark of interest appears in her light gaze._

_“Nothing can shock me after finding out about his own parents and uncle setting Brahms on fire.” I argue. “You could’ve been fed up with Emily bullying him. You were about to disappear for good, maybe you made sure it couldn’t happen again. I know that you honestly cared about him since you were his nanny and his friend as well.”_

_“That’s a nice theory!” Jessica laughs. “But don’t you think I would have been smarter than to leave Brahmsy with a bloody rock in his hand as a number one suspect if I was trying to protect him? I’m not that stupid, Alison.”_

_I let out a sigh of frustration. She’s right, that doesn’t make any sense at all._

_“Then he just hit Emily and that’s it. His brain tries to protect him from reliving the moment when he became a murderer and everything changed.” I mumble in a disappointed voice. “Maybe you saw it, maybe you didn’t. It wouldn’t change anything anyway.”_

_“Maybe.” Jessica nodded. “But there’s definitely more to the story, sweetie. You cannot trust the Heelshires.”_

_“So you do know more…” I stared at her angrily. “You keep appearing in my dreams to help but why don’t you give me proper help then? Something I can actually use.”_

_“I gave you help, darling. But you threw it away.” She raised her ginger eyebrows._

_“Are you talking about the medallion your sister gave me?” I frowned. “But there was only a photo about you and her in it.”_

_“You always need to look behind the surface. You should know that by now.” Jessica answers but I’m already too confused. “I can tell you one thing I learned. The Heelshires’ story is so twisted you can’t possibly imagine. It involves lying, cheating, jealousy, betrayal and murders.”_

_“Murders?” I ask, the hairs on my arms standing up. “Emily Cribbs wasn’t the only person who got killed because of the Heelshires?”_

_“Of course she wasn’t.” Jessica shook her ginger head._

_“Are you talking about Cole, Greta’s ex?” I frown._

_“Cole?” Jessica bursts into laughter. “Please… Nobody cares about Cole in this story. You need to run, Alison. Get Brahms and leave somewhere far where no one can find you. Make a family and share a happy life with each other. But leave this toxic town, please. The sooner is the better.”_

_“What about the truth? Shouldn’t the world know about the Heelshires’ sins? That they tried to burn Brahms alive? Or the other murders you mentioned?” I ask, my blood starts to boil as I think about the number of possible dead people on the Heelshire property and beyond. Is Jessica one of them as well?_

_“Is the truth worth more than being alive?” She asks back and wins the argument with her very much valid question._

_I keep staring at her pretty face when I suddenly realize that something isn’t right. I need a minute to figure out what the odd feeling is about. I can’t hear the noises of the forest anymore. No twittering birds, no wind, no crackling branches, nothing. The part of the woods we stand is deadly silent like a graveyard._

_“I hate this part of the forest.” Jessica talks as her gaze wonders around the trees and bushes, her arms crossed in front her in a protective way._

_“Where are we?” I ask, her sudden anxious look seems more disturbing than the creepy part of the forest._

_“In a real life nightmare.” She answers in a dark voice._

_“Jess…” I start, prepare myself to ask the one question that’s been bothering me for a very long time. “Are you… Are you dead?”_

_My question seemingly doesn’t surprise Jessica, she looks at me with almost a playful look in her eyes._

_“Do I seem dead to you?” She asks with a half-smile._

_“You only exist in my head so you can very much be dead in real life.” I frown._

_She lets out a resigned chuckle._

_“I guess you won’t stop until you find out, will you? Even if I warned you to leave while you can and leave this story behind.”_

_I don’t answer first. I want to leave, I want Brahms and myself to be safe and a chance for a life together._

_Although, the facts are just as dry as the Sahara, my only savings are the money I earned in the manor for the last two and a half months. It wouldn’t even be enough for train tickets and renting a room until I find a job. Not to mention how difficult it would be with Brahms who has never left the house in his entire life and let’s face it, not too comfortable around people…_

I couldn’t remember how my dream about Jessica ended. I only remembered waking up for my own rambling thoughts and anxiety about when, where and how to move away with Brahms.

We could wait a little longer, maybe three months and then I’d be able to pay for tickets and one month rent somewhere. I was quite confident about finding a job almost anywhere in England very quickly, my concern was whether finding a room and Brahms living with roommates. Not to mention that this time I’d really need to succeed in fitting him into society. Failing couldn’t even be an option or we’re both screwed.

I was watching my sleeping man next to me in the pale light the small lamp provided for my gaze, wondering if we can ever be strong enough to break free and get through the incredibly difficult times ahead of us. His muscled seemed tense even if he was sleeping, his forehead glistering from sweat. I brushed a wet curl away from his forehead, knowing that he was probably having the nightmare again about Emily's death.

I let out a devastated sigh as I gently caressed his scars. _Words can’t describe how tragic it is what he did to Emily but why does he have to pay for it over and over again? Hasn’t he suffered enough already? He does deserve peace._

I left a kiss on Brahms’ small, pink lips. By this moment I knew that we were going to leave no matter what. The question was only when and where.


	93. Business in the Woods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> Here's the new chapter, I'm sorry for making you wait longer than I planned. I really enjoy reading your theories and comments, I'm so happy for all of them. I'll try to answer them as well but you know, story first... :D Enjoy!

It was around midnight, the early March wind made the branches move eerily in the dark forest. I wasn’t scared though. There was something fascinating about living like a shadow for more than a month now. I learned how to move, walk and breathe in silence without anyone noticing, even if I was surrounded by at least three people – the three Heelshires – all the time, existing only a few feet away from their personal space.

The other reason of my confidence in the dark forest was the tall young man holding my hand while we were slowly walking along the tight footpath, his curly hair gently waving after him in the chilly post-winter air. The full moon surely provided some light for us but it wasn’t enough to walk around in some of the dark corners of the tree maze so I was holding a small torch in my hand. Just in case.

Walking in the woods late evening. That was my favorite activity to do with Brahms since I had moved into the walls. Well, _second_ favorite...

I didn’t even care about the cool nightly air and the dark bumps under our feet that caused me to almost fall several times while we were walking silently, the both of us getting lost in our own thoughts as usual. I was breathing in the fresh air deeply, enjoying the scent of the still frozen earth and the death leaves, started to wonder about how my life turned upside down with the simple decision I had made a month before. I still believed that falling in love was a decision and for the first time in my life I was truly happy with the path I’d chosen, even if it was the craziest one I could have made.

I suddenly felt the urge to move a little closer to Brahms so I let go of his hand and wrapped my arm around his waist instead, pressing my face against his old-fashioned brown coat which used to belong to his father once.

He returned my gesture and pulled me close to his side, the rest of our walk becoming a little jerky, trying to make steps and hugging each other at the same time. I couldn’t stop smiling at the idea of how right it all felt being with him. Brahms and Alison. _Brahms and me._

Brahms gave upon trying to walk with me clinging onto him, he stopped with a playful chuckle and closed me in his arms properly. I switched off the flashlight, sinking it in the pocket of my coat and stepped on tiptoe to kiss him.

We were cuddling when Brahms let out a big yawn in my hair.

“Are you tired?” I asked tenderly.

“Yes, a little. It’s pretty late.” He answered.

“Let’s go back in the house then.” I agreed, making a yawn as well. “We can enter the opening from the woods again so we don’t have to sneak in from the kitchen.”

“I find it impressive how much you enjoy these night walks, Alison.” Brahms noted as we turned around into the direction of the manor.

“It’s just nice enjoying the fresh air after the whole day being inside of the walls. Besides, it is my second favorite activity to share with you.” I teased with a smug giggle.

“What’s your first favorite?” Brahms asked curiously after some hesitation which turned my smirk into a chuckle. Sometimes he was still so innocent that broke my heart.

I was just about to answer when suddenly heard a distant crackling sounds and someone talking. I looked up at Brahms to check if he had heard it too but the squeeze of his hand on mine made it clear for me that he had.

We both reacted fast, jumping off the footpath and hiding behind a wide tree.

We didn’t have to wait for long, soon the voice intensified and two tall shadows appeared from between the trees. Two men. We exchanged a meaningful look with Brahms as we recognized his uncle’s voice. The other one sounded familiar as well but I wasn’t sure who it belonged to.

“You’re saying that you feel sorry for my wife but you don’t know what you’re talking about…” Mr. Heelshire said to the other man while walking slowly on the same footpath Brahms and I had been standing on a few seconds before. “My Elsa has a good life, a very good one. I gave her everything she ever desired.”

I almost jumped in our hiding place when the unknown man let out a long, loud, sarcastic chuckle.

“And a husband who has secret nighttime meetings in the forest.”

We looked at each other with Brahms again. We both recognized the owner of the voice. It belonged to the “Scary Man” as I named him earlier. I was sure it was him, his accent was unmistakable, nothing like the usual posh British accent all the other guests of the uncle talked in. The “Scary Man” appeared the next day after the Heelshires’ party and still hadn’t left the manor, staying as an uninvited guest, clearly freaking out everyone else with his bald head, muscular physique and rough features.

I recalled how Mrs. Heelshire rebuked her husband for inviting the stranger, she seemingly hated him being in the house. It was pretty clear for me that the three of them knew each other from the past, although their relationship seemed business-like only which I found even creepier. Once I made a joke about the “Scary Man” being a hitman, doing some nasty, illegal business for Mr. Heelshire but Brahms didn’t appreciate my humor in connection to his family’s reputation.

“Can I trust you, Andrei?” Mr. Heelshire asked the dangerous looking man, ignoring his tease about Mrs. Heelshire’s poor choice of a husband.

“If you go down, that would put me in danger as well, don’t you forget.” Andrei answered as they stopped almost in front of the tree Brahms and I were hiding behind.

Mr. Heelshire hesitated a little before going straight to business they were talking about.

“Did you bring what I asked for?” He made his question in a hopeful tone.

Andrei didn’t answer but reached under his long, black coat, pulling an object out and handing it to Mr. Heelshire. “Here. Exactly what you asked for.”

I frowned and leaned a little closer from behind the tree to see what the object was but it was impossible to see in the dark, although I was sure the thing was wrapped in some tissue or cloth, probably protected from potential damage. Or from curious eyes…

“I knew you’re worth your price, my friend.” The uncle nodded admiringly.

“No one ever complained about me in the past, except you…” Andrei noted but Mr. Heelshire only made a cynical hum.

“I never broke my promise, Tom. I was ready to complete the job, you decided otherwise if I’m not mistaken. It wasn’t my fault things ended badly between us two decades ago.” The scary guy continued, his voice cold and factual. For a second I could’ve sworn I saw Mr. Heelshire shiver in the dark but probably it was only my imagination.

“The circumstances changed last time, I had to react fast. I didn’t have time to discuss my decision with my business partners.” The uncle explained, his voice defiant.

“Well, the next time you should be smarter.” Andrei closed the argument firmly.

“There won’t be a next time. I’ll take my faith in my own hands from now. If I want something, I would do the job by myself.” Mr. Heelshire added.

“I hope you know what you’re doing.” The man noted sinisterly. “If you don’t need my services then I’ll leave tomorrow. I don’t want to scare your pretty wife even more.”

Mr. Heelshire agreed with a determined nod and the two men followed the footpath again, right back to the manor, leaving Brahms and me hiding in darkness with a terribly sick feeling in our stomach.

 

“I should call Aaron.” I suggested while sitting on Brahms’ bed with a cup of hot tea in my hand. We just arrived back from our secret walk in the woods and my heart was still racing due to witnessing the creepy scene between Mr. Heelshire and the spooky guy.

“Telling him what?” Brahms asked, not being too supportive about my idea.

“That your uncle has been doing some illegal business with a mysterious, criminal looking man in the woods in the middle of the night about secret objects and mentioning a potential crime they committed in the past. Just to mention one. I think it’s exactly what you should let a policeman know about.”

Brahms didn’t say anything, he was sitting on a chair in front of me, fixating the – now crystal clear – floor with his pretty eyes.

“Let’s wait a few days. Please.” He begged. I couldn’t understand why he was so protective over his uncle who’d been showing some serious sociopathic tendencies and who tried to murder him on top of that…

I wiped my eyes with my free hand anxiously.

“Come here.” I told Brahms after letting out a long, frustrated sigh.

He didn’t move, only sent me a sad look.

“Please…” I babbled with a forced cute face which I knew would make him giggle even if he wasn’t in a cheerful mood.

He sat next to me on bed and I took his hand in mine.

“It’s time for bed.” I told him tenderly. “Let’s get some sleep, we can talk about this tomorrow.”

Brahms first gave me a suspicious stare but after making a very dramatic yawn, he decided to take my offer and climb under the warm blankets with me. _Whatever the creepy dialogue was about, we can wait for another day to figure out._


	94. Incipit Vita Nova

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! The new chapter is here. I've been wondering about the readers who aren't registered on this website. How do you guys know if there's a new chapter uploaded? You keep checking if there's an update from time to time? I'm really impressed and grateful if you do that, especially since I haven't been doing updates with a certain schedule.
> 
> Anyway, this chapter is a little smutty as well but it might be the last smut in this story so I hope you like it. (I know, I know...) Although, it's a little special, not even a proper smut I guess. Something lighter and more romantic without too many details being given. Interesting things are about to come though so hopefully you guys are just as excited as I am. :D

Surprisingly, a week had passed without anything worth mentioning since Mr. Heelshire and Andrei, the scary man’s secret meeting in the woods. Nothing worth mentioning, except the fact that I fell in love with the owner of the walls even more which honestly, I didn’t know was possible at all. Nothing else mattered except whether the feeling was mutual or not. Hopefully it was. The two of us spent days lying on bed in his secret room, only staring into each other’s eyes silently for hours and hours. _Oh yes, I’m sure it is mutual._

I was in love once in the past. The crazy, earthshaking feeling was already familiar to me but never had I ever thought that I would get the chance to experience hot it feels one more time in this lifetime. When I started to fall in love with Brahms, I believed it wouldn’t be as strong as the first time, I wouldn’t be able to love him or anyone else as passionately as I used to love my ex-boyfriend in my late teenage years. That was naive and young love, possibly different from grownup love.

But how wrong I was…

I was lying in bed on my side and facing him, sinking deep into his sparkling gaze. Although we didn’t touch each other, we still were so close that the tip of my nose almost reached his.

I couldn’t eat, I could barely sleep. All I wanted to do was lying there, getting lost in his bluish green eyes forever and examining his perfect features. Well, I knew that in reality they were far from perfect but I was so in love that if someone asked me to give an example for perfection I would’ve mentioned Brahms’ face.

He slightly moved his hand to find a more comfortable pose, his index finger gently brushing my pinky. The barely sensible touch of our skin sent a ridiculously intense electric shiver done my spine and caused the butterflies in my belly to desperately flutter around.

Brahms noticed my strong reaction and awarded me with a tender smile which hadn’t been unusual at all lately, he smiled quite a lot.

“Okay…” I started in a firm but still gentle voice. “We should get up and get our shit together.”

“Aha…” Brahms mumbled as if he didn’t understand my language and continued to stare into my eyes.

I reacted with a small chuckle. God, I loved him so much it was almost too painful to bear.

“Do you love me?” He asked teasingly, probably being able to read my mind.

“Yes, I love you. I love you more than anything.” I babbled. “Do you love me?”

“Yes, Alison. I love you too. So much that I swear it physically hurts.” Brahms answered in such a sweet tone that I would have found annoying a few months ago. But now it was the cutest voice he could ever talk to me in.

“Will you marry me?” I giggled.

“I will.” He nodded, returning my grin. I already explained to him that it would be impossible for him to get married without any papers or documents but in that moment it didn’t matter. We both knew we couldn’t get married but the gesture meant everything.

“Will we have children as well?” I asked and couldn’t stop smiling like a fool.

Brahms’ features acted as a mirror of mine as he made the same grin over and over again. “Yes. Three children.” He prated.

“Three?” I grinned silently in a high-pitched, weak tone.

“Yes. And they’ll all look like you.”

“No, babe. They will look like you.” I protested with another grin.

“No.” Brahms shook his head but never stopped smiling.

“Yes.” I nodded again.

He let me win the argument and only let out a small chuckle. The adorable dimples on his cheeks deepened which added some softness to the rough look of his scars. Seriously… Every inch of him was perfect.

I left a small kiss on his chin and his nose, then found his soft lips.

The kiss was unhurried, almost agonizingly slow and deep, tasting each other in the most intimate way possible. I soon opened my eyes, looking into his green ones for the last time before everything went dark in the room.

_Power loss._

“Mm…” That was all Brahms said after we had been left in complete darkness. We couldn’t be bothered to move, blackouts tended to happen in the Heelshire manor from time to time. Also, we were too lazy and comfortable lying in bed.

“Should I bring the candles?” I asked without making any effort to get up.

“I’m good but you can if you want to.” Brahms answered silently.

“I’m good too.” I responded, stroking his curls blindly on the back of his head. It wasn’t a usual darkness that covered the lair though. It was the deepest, blackest darkness I’d ever seen. No moonlight, no stars, no light at all…

I moved closer to Brahms, clinging onto his body. He hugged me and started to look for my lips with his. I kissed him back, breathing in his scent with every breath I took.

We were slowly kissing, caressing each other’s back, hair, arms and waist alternately. I didn’t care that I couldn’t see anything, I was happy in his arms, kissing and hugging him.

Pieces of clothing getting removed, landed on the floor one by one. The outer world stopped existing and not only because of the complete darkness. There was nothing around us while we were cuddling, no light, no noises, no space and no time. Only Brahms and I, his body against mine with the same agonizingly slow pace as our kisses from earlier.

A night of passion that it was. Trapped in the depth of the old building between the walls but being free like never before. Far from the moonlight, the noises of the woods and all the distraction of civilization.

I wrapped my legs around him and had a sensation about never letting him go. The touch of his hot skin almost burned me the same way his soul burned into mine. It was so secretive and intimate making love not only in a hidden room nobody knew about but also during a blackout, so sensual to merge together under the protection of darkness.

His irregular sighs in my ear made me dig my face into his strong chest, listening to the keen heartbeats hammering from the inside. I didn’t want to break our sacred connection and I felt that Brahms shared my opinion so I just let go of worrying, opening my soul for him, ready to adopt everything he could offer to me.

We reached climax together, just like in all the silly movie scenes. Except that it wasn’t just a story, it was all real, Brahms releasing deep in me while shaking in each other’s arms, gasping in pleasure until we both finished and were able to stop.

It took a long time to separate though, the connection too pleasant to break just yet and when it happened, we still refused to fully let go of each other. We were holding each other until we both fell asleep under the cover of the cozy darkness.

*

We pretended that night with the blackout never happened, it was too awkward to face our carelessness. Again…

_“Being in love is never a valid excuse for having unprotected sex.”_

I heard the voice of my aunt in my head from ten years before when my cousins and I were teenagers. My father’s sister was never afraid of talking openly about topics which would be too uncomfortable for many parents and she always warned us to be safe. She even gave me some condoms just in case – and to piss off Dad. Good times.

So the next day I made a pact with myself about not letting Brahms – and especially not encouraging him – cum inside. _We can find an effective, actual protection when we’ll finally be out of this crazy, gossipy town._

Speaking of leaving the manor… Brahms’ nightmares were getting more severe which I found really worrying, not to mention the fact that soon I needed to start working again and pretend that I’d been spending time in France with Barbara. Even if I enjoyed acting like a bad girl with a secret life, I sometimes started to feel sick of lying to my friends, my family and basically everyone around me. And it was still nothing compare to the amount of lies I possibly had to carry to my grave if I wanted to spend my life with Brahms. Even the idea of that was tiring and terrifying but I tried to ignore it because I knew it wasn’t a question anymore what I wanted. I wanted to spend my life with him.

 

“What’s going on?” I asked Brahms after putting down the notebook full of my freshly written song lyrics – a long lost but rediscovered hobby of mine. He just entered the lair a second ago and his face seemed anxious.

“Nothing.” He responded quickly, going straight to the sink to wash his hands.

“C’mon, Brahmsy, you can’t fool me. I know you too much, you’re my little experiment, remember?” I joked but even that wasn’t enough to clear the worried look from Brahms’ face. Something was wrong. “Brahms, you’re scaring me.”

I walked up to him and tried to take his hand in mine but he gently pushed them away.

“You don’t need to be scared, Alison. I’ll protect you from everything.” He said, looking down at me with serious features.

“Tell me what you saw.” I demanded, being convinced that he saw something sinister from the passages.

“Alright.” He sighed after a long hesitation. “I saw Max arguing with Uncle.”

“About what?” I frowned.

Brahms let out another frustrated sigh.

“About… About a gun Max found in Uncle’s office table.” He blurted out.

“A gun?” I asked back, my thoughts started to ramble immediately. It was creepy as hell but honestly, I wasn’t too surprised that Mr. ‘Crazy Criminal’ Heelshire kept a gun in his office. We already knew that he had been doing some illegal stuff since forever and he was rich as well. Probably had tons of enemies too. “My only concern is that Max freaked out so much. Doesn’t he know about his father’s issues?”

“Well, Uncle told him he got the gun for self-defense since he’s got people who want to destroy his business no matter what. Maybe a few of them even want him dead.”

“What if…” I started but Brahms interrupted me.

“I know what you want to say, Alison. What if he starts to get suspicious about me being alive and I am the one he needs self-defense against.”

“Or he simply wants to kill you.” I said, a teardrop leaving the corner of my eye.

“Then I would be dead already, silly.” Brahms said, wiping the tear with the back of his hand but I saw that my brutally honest sentence upset him a little.

I had to admit though, he had a point. He’d be dead if the uncle wanted him dead.

“What bothers me the most is something else.” Brahms continued. “I saw Max find the gun and it was wrapped in a white cloth.”

My brain was as quick as electric shock.

“The object the scary man handed over to Mr. Heelshire in the woods… Do you think it was a gun? The same gun?”

Brahms only nodded.

“Maybe he was telling the truth to Max and it’s only for self-defense.”

“Maybe.” I said but a sick feeling invaded my stomach area. “Mr. Heelshire said in the woods that next time he wants to do the job for himself. Maybe he talked about some of his business enemies? I can’t see why he’d want to hurt me and if he knew about you, you were right, you’d be dead by now. I don’t think we’re in direct danger. We still need to be careful though.”

Brahms nodded again, his fists loosened a little.

“Three more months so I would have enough money and then we’re leaving.” I added firmly, taking Brahms’ hands in mine who didn’t protest this time against the idea of leaving the manor for good.


	95. The Key

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Guys. I know, I didn't update last week but the next two weeks I won't work so I have time to write a lot. ;) Enjoy!

It was my last day as the ‘walls lady’. Tonight I would meet Aaron in the woods and he’d give me a ride secretly to the airport where I pretend to just arrive back from my holidays in France when Alfred, the cab driver would pick me up.

I spent my last morning in the walls watching Brahms draw a pretty cottage house, meanwhile I curled up in bed next to him. I silently watched his hand move the pencil confidently, building up the cozy building from nothing, filling the white paper in his lap.

“It’s beautiful.” I praised in an honestly amazed voice when he finally finished.

“It will be our house once.” Brahms said factually without looking up from the paper.

My heart melted. It was probably the cutest thing a man had ever said to me. _No way I would ever destroy his dreams by telling him the truth… That likely, we could never afford a house like that._ Brahms was a dreamer, no doubt. And I let him be the way he was so I just sent him a reassuring smile about the drawing of our future home.

“How about stealing some cookies from the kitchen?” I asked after some time admiring his creation.

“But we just had breakfast.” He frowned.

“I’m hungry again.” I shrugged, craving those chocolate chip cookies more than anything in the world. To be fair, I found it quite ridiculous since I never really had a sweet tooth but this time I would’ve killed for those cookies.

“Alright.” Brahms nodded when he noticed the guilty look on my face. “Let’s go get them for you.”

 

 

I let out a silent chuckle as Brahms stuffed the last piece of chocolate chip cookie in my mouth. We were standing at the kitchen counter, automatically paid attention not to make too much noise, even if we were alone in the manor with Mrs. Heelshire. The last guests left weeks ago and Mr. Heelshire went out for a short business trip with Max.

I grinned at the sound of my chewing being the only noise when a deep bump echoed in the silence of the enormous building. We both flinched with Brahms at the same time.

His reaction was faster than mine as usual and I followed him to the lobby. _Bump. Bump. Bump._ We looked at each other, not understanding what was happening. It sounded like someone was reorganizing the furniture upstairs, probably on the third floor.

Brahms took my hand and pulled me to the closest secret opening and we both climbed into the passage. We followed the shady sounds which surprisingly led us into my bedroom. My room I hadn’t used in two months.

We approached the closet from the passage, carefully opening the hidden door and climbing in between my clothes I had left hanging there. We both clang onto the closet door from inside, looking through the tiny gaps on the wooden door to see what was happening.

The scene was much more shocking than I could have ever imagined.

My minimalist, perfectly organized room was now trashed, all my stuff thrown on the floor, my bedding in the middle of the room, my clothes in a small heap next to the empty bed. But the most shocking part was watching Brahms’ aunt making all the mess.

We only had time to exchange a quick look with Brahms, his eyes just as shocked as mine when the old lady made a firm move in the direction of our hiding place. We had withdrawn into the passage the last moment before she opened up the closet door, touching and examining my clothes.

_Please, don’t find the opening, please, don’t find the opening…_ I begged the Universe in my head but fortunately we got lucky, she just let out a very frustrated, almost angry sigh and slammed the door. We carefully climbed back into the closet, watching the creepy actions of the otherwise timid and kind Mrs. Heelshire.

She stood for a minute in the middle of the room, her hands on her hips as she looked around with the most terrifying sparks in her whitey blue eyes. _Is she looking for something…?_

Then all of a sudden she walked to my bed and lifted the mattress up with such a strength that made Brahms let out a shocked sigh next to me. I joined him when the woman actually found something under my bed.

I tried to see through the gap what the “treasure” was. I was absolutely sure that I had not hidden anything under my mattress so the object must have been there long before I’d moved in the manor. It seemed like some paper but that was all I could tell. Mrs. Heelshire quickly hid the object in her blazer’s pocket, then like nothing would have happened, started to organize my room so nobody could tell an intruder had entered.

The logical choice was obviously waiting for her to finish cleaning and following her to find out what she would do with the paper. But we both were so shocked that just hurried back right into Brahms’ lair and sat on his bed until we were able to talk again from surprise.

“What the hell did we just see?” I blurted out finally.

Brahms remained silent, the look on his face confused.

“Talk to me.” I urged him.

“Maybe she’s having a nervous breakdown.” He mumbled.

“No, Brahms. She’s certainly not. Her movements and the way she organized everything back… It was too coordinated, almost like planned… She must be in a clear state of mind.” I explained impatiently. “She was looking for something. And she found it, that paper under the mattress. _My_ mattress.”

I made an angry face at Brahms. I knew he had nothing to do with his aunt’s behavior but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t understand the intense emotions but I was at the edge of crying, some teardrops already rolled down my cheeks.

“Why are you so sensitive lately? Nothing that bad happened.” Brahms frowned.

“I’m not sensitive!” I protested, trying to hold back my tears. “I just… don’t like when people go through my stuff, especially my bed. It’s too private.”

“It’s alright, Ali.” Brahms placed his hand on mine and I snuggled up to him, somehow finding him even more comforting and protective than usual. _What is wrong with me?_

I needed a few minutes to put myself together.

“I want to know what that paper was.” I said then firmly. I saw on Brahms’ face that he wasn’t so eager about searching his aunt’s room in return but I knew it was my turn.

“Alright…” He grimaced.

“You’re not taking her side, are you?” I asked suspiciously in a blaming tone.

“Of course not, it was just… unexpected to watch Auntie do something like that to your room.” He answered.

“I know. It was so out of character.” I sighed, already feeling sorry for Brahms what we might find out from that paper. I would hate if he had to get disappointed again. His aunt was the last person he truly loved and trusted besides me.

 

We waited for Mrs. Heelshire to go out for her daily walk with the doll. She oddly seemed herself again, humming a soft lullaby while putting the grey, fabric coat on the doll. The kind, grandmother-like lady was back and the sudden change was more disturbing than if she stayed as we’d seen her earlier in my room.

Brahms and I hurried up to her bedroom after we had made sure she wasn’t in the house anymore, my heart racing in my throat to find the mysterious page.

What I found immediately when we entered the pretty, vintage looking place was more unexpected though.

“That’s Jessica’s medallion on the nightstand!” I sent a dark look to Brahms as took the gold necklace in my hand. He seemed just as confused as I felt. “I threw it out from the balcony the day I… got drunk and told you about my feelings. She must have found it outside”

“It’s broken.” He noted and he was right. It was impossible to close the medallion anymore and the tiny picture about Jessica and her sister Mary was half removed.

“Probably it broke when landed outside.” I nodded without feeling guilty about destroying the precious necklace.

“There’s something behind the photo.” Brahms said and took the jewelry from my hand, examining it.

“What is that?” I frowned but the time I finished the sentence Brahms had already fully removed the sisters’ photo and shook a tiny object from the medallion. It landed on the nightstand with a mild knocking sound.

It was a small metal key. I picked it up to see closer.

“What can be such a tiny key used for?” Brahms asked.

“A diary.” I murmured.

“Pardon?” Brahms asked as if he didn’t understand.

“I think it’s for a diary. You know, sometimes there are small padlocks on journals to lock them from curious people.” I explained calmly, trying to adjust to the new piece of information. “Not that you can’t crush those padlocks easily but that’s not the point. The point is that Jessica had a diary.”

“Of course she had.” Brahms shrugged. “She used to write it all the time but kept it hidden even from me.”

I almost chuckled at his offended face. Duh, of course she didn’t want an eight year old to know about her personal life, not to mention that she must have written about her relationship with Brahms’ uncle.

“Okay but she hid the key in the medallion which she gave to her sister. She wanted her to look for her diary. Brahms, she could have written down every single detail she knew about your uncle. She could have written down where she was planning to run away and why.”

I saw his features turning into a mess of dark emotions. He was thinking about why his aunt would have Jessica’s necklace.

“She might have just found it outside during her walk and didn’t even know it belonged to Jessica.” I tried to comfort him but I couldn’t even believe my own words.

“Maybe she was looking for the diary in your room. It used to be Jess’ room.” Brahms said in a resigned tone, ignoring my poor attempt of cheering him up.

“But she didn’t find any diaries there, only…” My voice faded as I realized.

“Only a page.” Brahms finished my sentence.

“Do you think it was ripped out of Jessica’s diary?” I asked after swallowing hard.

“Maybe. But I feel like I don’t know anything anymore, Alison. Even Auntie might not be the person I thought she was.” He let his chin fall down.

Now it was my turn to take his hand in mine.

“Let’s find that page.” I said to Brahms firmly.


	96. March of 1991

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said I'm not working this week so here's the next chapter. ;) Enjoy!

It wasn’t hard to find the page from Jessica’s diary. Mrs. Heelshire hid it in the book on her nightstand so it didn’t take us five minutes to successfully end our search. The paper was definitely ripped out of a notebook, its edge damaged which made our heart beat faster in our chest. After all those years, Brahms held the handwritten page of her beloved first nanny in his hands.

We both sat on the lacy, pale pink covers and started to read greedily.

 

**_March 24, 1991_ **

**_I know she hates me. But who would blame her? I’m the one who has been having a romantic relationship with HER husband. I would hate myself as well if I were in her place. Luckily, I’m not.  It must be a devastating role for her to bear every single day. I can see the pain and hatred in her eyes every time she sees me. Sometimes I wonder how I can still be alive…_ **

****

“Okay, I only read the first paragraph and already got the chills…” I shook my head but Brahms hushed me. He seemingly wasn’t considering to stop so I turned back to the piece of paper as well.

****

**_I wish I could go back some months in time when she wasn’t around much and I did not have to meet her accidentally in the house too often. The last weeks have been very hard since she keeps visit Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire at least three times a weeks. When Tom visits she refuses to stay home anymore. She says she misses her family but I know her real motives. She doesn’t want Tom to see me without her._ **

**_Sometimes I wish that I did not love this man so passionately and would be able to leave the whole madness behind. I’m tired. I’m tired of being the third party and all the competing with his wife. What’s the point after all? The prize is a powerful but unfaithful man. Is it worth it? And what about the guilt, my guilt?_ **

**_I used to feel guilty, of course I did. But not anymore. There are days when I look in the mirror, right into my own eyes and ask, Jess, how can you live with yourself? This man has a baby, how would you feel if a little slut would come and steal your husband, the father of your child?_ **

**_But the truth is that I wouldn’t steal him, I never wanted to. Deep down I know he would never leave his wife and child for me and that is alright, I wouldn’t want him to do that. I’m just a silly, naive girl hopelessly in love with a man who has a family._ **

****

**_March 27, 1991_ **

**_Brahms’ auntie is getting more desperate day by day. First, she only visited us more often and wouldn’t let Tom come alone. But now she went too far by involving my little Brahmsy. I saw her whispering in his ear a few times already but today she asked Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire if she could take him out for a walk outside of the property. They said yes, I think they were happy that poor Brahms was out of the house for an afternoon. I wish I had the power of saying no but I’m not his mother so I could do nothing against it. Besides, I saw joy in my Brahmsy’s pretty eyes so he finally wasn’t forced to play with Emily Cribbs for a change. He hates her with passion and I don’t blame him._ **

**_I had been happy for Brahms until he arrived back and seemed strange. Secretive even... I asked him what he was doing with his Auntie Elsa but he refused to tell me anything they had talked about. He said he had promised his aunt not to tell me anything. Of course… It could not be clearer to me that she asked him about me. Why? I do not know… Does she plan something against me? Why else would she want to know more about me? She already knows my biggest secret, having a relationship with her husband._ **

****

**_March 29, 1991_ **

**_Today Elsa visited Brahmsy’s parents again. Although, this time she came alone without Tom. I asked Brahms to read a book in his room until I come back so I can sneak down to listen to their conversation secretly. She asked Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire to get rid of me, she wanted them to send me away. She was holding little Maximilian in her arms, begging them to have mercy on her and free her from the little cockroach eating her marriage from the inside._ **

**_But Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire said no. They told her that I had been too good to Brahms and the only person who had been able to make real effect on his “unacceptable” behavior so they could not send me away._ **

**_I saw the disappointment in Elsa’s eyes. And the incredible rage towards me when I served tea for them later._ **

**_In an unexpected moment when nobody was watching us in the kitchen, Elsa grabbed my wrist with bruising strength and told me if I ever touch her husband again she would make me regret and she would be the one making me disappear forever. I have never seen her so desperate._ **

**_But I keep wonder… What if she did mean her words? I always believed Tom was the powerful one, the one who gets everything he wants but what if I was wrong and it is my Brahmsy’s aunt who I should be scared of?_ **

Brahms reached the end of the diary entry faster, he started to massage his forehead anxiously as if he was suffering from severe migraine. I took the page out of his hand to go through it one more time in case of missing an important detail.

But nothing changed the meaning of the words written down in front of us, the words that would be more than enough for the police to order Brahms’ aunt in the station for an interrogation in connection to Jessica Holt’s disappearance. Even after twenty-five years.

“Talk to me.” I said to Brahms, getting worried about the curly haired guy who was still giving a facial massage to himself, his skin already red.

“I just…” He mumbled with a devastated shrug. “I feel ashamed of my family. Including Jess.”

I understood what he meant. It was one thing finding out about the redhead having an affair with Brahms’ uncle but reading about how devastated Mrs. Heelshire looked like and how much Jessica didn’t care was a whole new kind of slap in the face for the both of us.

“Nobody’s perfect, Brahms. Everyone has flaws.” I said, although when I said it loudly, it sounded much more pathetic trying to find excuses for those people. Three of them setting a child on fire, one having an affair with a man with family and shoving it into his wife’s face and one… “Do you think that your aunt…?” I started but Brahms didn’t let me finish my question.

“I don’t know what to think anymore.”

I had no idea what to say, how to comfort him so I placed the paper on the bed and hugged him from the side, resting my head on his biceps.

“Maybe she deserved it.” Brahms’ quiet but disturbingly factual voice hit me hard.

“What do you mean?” I asked but already had a painful clue about what he meant.

“Jess made her own fate, whatever it was.” He answered.

“I don’t think she deserved to be murdered and I’m sure you don’t mean it either, Brahms.” I shook my head. “Not that we know if that was what happened by the way.”

“She gave me the marshmallows that day, you know?” Brahms said in a tormented voice, ignoring my previous words.

“Your aunt?” I frowned as I recalled the afternoon a few months ago when he had told me about his aunt feeding him marshmallows once.

“Yes. I thought she just wanted to spend time with me and bought me sweets because she loved me but… she wanted information about Jessica. As Jess mentioned in that horrendous writing of hers…”

“What did your aunt ask about her?” I inquired.

“Everything.” Brahms said. “Where she went when she wasn’t with me, what she liked to do in her free time, who her family was…”

“Did you tell her about Jessica writing a diary?” I asked but I already knew the answer.

“Yes.” Brahms nodded. “I told her she was writing it every day.”

I let out the longest sigh I was capable of. _This doesn’t mean any good for Mrs. Heelshire._

I took a photo with my phone about the handwritten page and hid it back in the book where we had found it.

*

“I don’t understand. Why didn’t she look for the diary earlier if she knew the nanny had one?”

Aaron’s deep, firm voice echoed in the police car while he was driving me to the airport. Undercover, of course. ‘My’ flight from France landed around eight in the evening so I dragged my suitcase to our meeting point in the woods early that afternoon. We needed to reach the airport in time so I can hide in the crowd and pretend I landed with that plane at eight by the time the Heelshire’s driver appears.

Obviously, we spent the few hours of ride useful with Aaron, me telling him every piece of information we found out with Brahms.

“Possibly, she saw the broken medallion during her walk, recognized that it used to belong to Jessica. Maybe even found the key in it and remembered that she had a diary.” I theorized.

“I don’t know, Alison…” Aaron slightly shook his head after taking a sharp turn on the highway. It was a gloomy day with occasional rain so we could move quite slowly with the car. “So you’re saying the diary entries were written a few weeks before Brahms’ birthday… Do you think the Jessica girl ripped out that page of her own notebook and hid it under her mattress before disappearing for good?”

“That was my first thought.” I nodded, following a raindrop on the car window with my fingertip. “My first thought was that she was scared of Brahms’ aunt since after hooking up with her husband. So she wanted some sort of insurance in case of Mrs. Heelshire doing something bad to her. Mary, Jessica’s sister told us that Jess had given the medallion to her before she went missing. She obviously wanted to let her sister know about writing a diary.”

“And what was your second thought?” Aaron asked.

“I don’t know anymore, Aaron. It’s so confusing. Every time we find something suspicious about Jessica’s case it turns out to be useless. It’s not a murder case without a body anyway.”

“It’s a large property though. The body could be anywhere in the woods. Even the part outside which was never searched.” Aaron explained. “And jealousy is one of the strongest motives as we know.”

I sighed loudly.

“Would it make any difference though?” I asked. “I mean… I know that we’re both people of justice blah blah blah but… What if they had an intense fight or something and Mrs. Heelshire killed her whether accidentally or on purpose? It’s not a solution and it’s awful but what different would it make after twenty-five years later? She suffered enough and they wouldn’t even send her to prison, only in a mental hospital in worst case. Jessica wasn’t so innocent either, not that she would’ve deserved to be killed but still... You know what I mean, don’t you?”

“I know, Heikki, I do.” Aaron agreed, calling me my surname just to tease me. He knew I hated it. “But don’t you think Jessica’s family would deserve knowing if she’s dead or alive? Mary seemed like a nice person, still grieving even after such a long time. Don’t you think she’d deserve peace?”

“You got me, Vardy.” I sighed, getting a childish revenge on him, using his last name as well.

“Besides, I’m worried about you.” He added. “What if Mrs. Heelshire sees you as a potential threat for her marriage too?”

“Me? Why?” I frowned, pretended I was offended by his assumption. In reality, the thing Aaron hinted had already crossed my mind as well.

“You’re Brahms’ nanny, you’re just as young as Jessica was…” He started. “And I hate to admit but you’re quite cute occasionally… When you’re not that annoying.”

“Are you trying to flirt with me, officer?” I giggled in a teasing tone.

“Nah. Brahms would kick my ass.” He joked.

“And Rose would kick mine.” I grinned.

“She sure would. She’s a fighter.” Aaron chuckled proudly.

“Is she?” I laughed, trying to imagine the sweet blonde grocery girl with the kindest face I’d ever seen beating up some bad guys.

At least our mood got immediately better and we kept it that way for the rest of the drive. Jessica’s name wasn’t brought up again, we only chatted about our relationships with Brahms and Rose and how happy we were with them.


	97. S.O.S.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my Dear Readers.
> 
> We need to discuss a few things... First of all, I'm sure you realized I changed 'unknown number of chapters' to '115'. I've kept telling you that the end of the story is very close but I only realized it today how close actually. I have mixed feelings about it but it is how it is. I'm not sure it will be 115 chapters (it might be a little less or more) but I wanted to put a number there to let you guys know.
> 
> About the next chapters... They will be like an intense emotional roller coaster so brace yourselves!!! ;) They also will be really hard ones for Alison but I think we’re all very excited to follow her on this journey. I know there have been quite a lot of time jumps lately and the next chapter will also start with one after Alison arrives back from Leeds (you’ll understand after reading this new one) but the story might take a faster pace from now on.
> 
> ((((((((Also, just so you guys know, Chapter 100 will be a special chapter. I’ve been planning to come up with something special to celebrate the 100th tiny part of Finding You and thank you guys for reading my story for such a long time. (Even if you're a new reader it must take time to get through all the 100 chapters. :D ) So I decided to take you ten years back in time to live through a small adventure with twenty-three year old Brahms. It will almost be like a flashback chapter. I only tell this now so you can be prepared that Chapter 100 won't be a sequel of Chapter 99, it will be a special one, although, it will relate to the story a little bit and I'm sure you'll love it. :D))))))))
> 
> As always, enjoy and see you next week with Chapter 98. :)

**ALMOST A MONTH LATER**

 

Brahms’ POV

_“You are a very naughty girl!” I tell her, trying to sound threatening but I know it isn’t enough to stop her cruel tease._

_“Mummy told me that once you would be my husband and I’d have you wrapped around my finger. You will do everything I tell you then.” Emily screams in my face with an angry grin._

_“What?” I ask, don’t understand what she is saying. Wrapped around her fingers…? What does that even mean?_

_“I don’t know. Mummy told me.” She shrugs. “I will tell everyone how horrible you are if you don’t pretend to be my husband.”_

_“I don’t want to. Leave me alone!” I say. Does it matter if she tells more lies about me to the other children? They already hate me._

_“I will tell your Mummy and Daddy that you said horrible things to me.” She continues in a high-pitch voice that I cannot stand._

_Those words hit me. I still can feel Daddy’s palm on my face when I got punished the last time because I refused to play with the terrible blonde. I don’t know what to do, I’m desperate, I couldn’t stop her from running to her parents._

_She comes close to me, much closer than I prefer. “You will be my husband, you have to kiss me, Brahms.” She says and closes the rest of the distance between us._

_I feel panic and rage building up in me so push her shoulders out of frustration._

_She loses balance with a whine and lands on the earthy ground of the forest. Alright, it’s time to leave before she hits me or something. I turn around, ready to run back to the house but she’s bigger and faster than me, already on her feet again. She pushes me back and I fall but a bush behind me stops me from reaching the ground, being my support. I curse automatically in my own childish way, telling her that she is the most horrible girl I have ever met._

_I see tears in her eyes._

_“I wouldn’t kiss you anyway, no one would!” She screams. “You should go cry to your mummy because she’s the only one who will ever kiss you goodnight!”_

_I want to cry, my hands form into fists, my nails dig into my palms. I want her to go away but not only for now. I want her to disappear forever so I would never have to see her repulsive face, ever again. We stand there in silence for a while, my heart hammering, my breathing is shaky as I continue staring at her. Her grin slowly fading and she looks… scared? Is she scared of me? Am I finally have some power over her? She quietly flinches as I start walking towards her, I see pure fear in her eyes… Yes, finally, I am the one in control… Wait, why does everything look darker suddenly? With a sharp scream everything goes black, then… BUMP!_

 

I woke up, my heart racing in my throat, my breathing irregular. I sat up, feeling the soaked t-shirt’s cold touch on my skin. It required a minute for me to realize where I was and that I had just woken up from my usual nightmare with the familiar blackout at the end.

I looked around after managing to calm myself down. I was sitting in Alison’s bedroom, in her bed but she was nowhere. It was gloomy outside but definitely daylight. I checked the small clock on the nightstand, it said half eight.

I was ready to climb out of bed when Alison opened the bedroom door and walked in. She was wearing her pyjamas as well, her hair looked messier than on other mornings and she looked definitely paler with dark circles under her eyes.

She closed the door behind her, then opened the closest drawer and placed something in it. I hadn’t even realize she was carrying a small object in her hand until then but it was already too late for me to see what it was. She then climbed into bed, right into my arms.

I was sure it was my fault. The nightmares made a terrible effect not only on me but on her as well. I unintentionally woke her up almost every night, talking in my sleep, kicking and gasping. My nightmares were more and more severe every day and I had absolutely no idea what to do. We both were helpless. If I could let the dream continue and recall what happened with Emily twenty-five years ago then probably it all would be over. But the thing was that I subconsciously didn’t want to remember. _Who would want to remember killing someone?_

Sipping sounds pulled me out of my head. They came from between my arms. _Is Ali crying…?_

I soon got the answer for my untold question because she started to cry harder, almost shaking on my chest which to be fair, scared me a little even if I believed it was because of the exhaustion my nightmares had been causing her.

“Are you alright, love?” I asked.

“No-o.” She cried.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered in her ear. She didn’t answer, she was too busy crying and I let her, rubbing her back until she looked up at me minutes later. She seemed tormented, her eyes red and swollen, tears and snot covering her face.

I wiped her tears with my hand. “You’re scaring me, Ali.”

“What are we going to do, Brahms?” She stuttered, ignoring my expression of how worried I was about her.

“I will try hard to fight these nightmares and they will stop soon, you’ll see. My brain must accept I can’t face that memory and everything will be alright. I will be the best boyfriend ever, I promise.” I told her, even surprising myself. I hate begging but I felt like I was out of choices, causing her so much frustration lately.

She had stared at me with wide eyes before started to cry again and buried her face into my armpit area. _Did I say something wrong? Maybe I should have told her something more comforting, something kinder…_

“Shh… It’s alright. I love you.”

After a while she calmed down and stopped shaking in my arms, only lied there silently, squeezing my biceps the entire time as if her life depended on holding onto it.

 

Alison didn’t look better after showering and dressing up either. She was still pale and seemed incredibly anxious. She refused eating breakfast, telling me that she felt unwell today even if I offered staying and eating with her in her bedroom before going back into the walls.

Later in the afternoon she told me that she needed to call her friend, Barbara. The one who lived in France. I trusted her enough not to listen to her conversation on the line but I stayed in the hall just in case… It was alright for her as she said.

“I was thinking why don’t we meet here in England?” I heard Alison’s voice from her bedroom. “Well, I wish we could meet. I…miss you and… I need you.”

I obviously couldn’t hear what her friend said. Ali’s voice was literally shaking, she sounded confused and so anxious that if I had not seen her a minute before, I would’ve thought something really bad was happening to her.

“Yes, I prefer to talk in person but I understand if you can’t just fly here.”

Then all I could hear was a lot of “yeses” on Ali’s side.

“Yes, I’ll call you with the details but I’m pretty sure you need to fly to Leeds… Yes… Yeah… Okay… Thank you so much, B… Yes, call you later. Bye.”

I had given her some more time before entering the room to join her on bed.

“Will you meet your friend here in England?” I asked carefully, feeling a little confused about the reason she suddenly felt the urge of meeting her friend.

“Yes, hopefully. She agreed on flying here from France.” Alison nodded.

“Will you tell her about me? About us?” I asked silently in a serious voice. I used to believe I would be furious if she ever decides to do something like that but… now that she was actually planning to do it, I was surprisingly fine. Not happy but I trusted her. _If she trusts that Barbara, I need to trust her as well, right?_

“Yes. If you’re okay with it.” Alison answered quickly without much emotions in her tone.

“Well, I couldn’t stop you, I guess.” I answered bitterly.

“Brahms…” She started and I noticed that she was truly struggling with something on the inside. It looked like her mind was somewhere far away, only her body sitting there and trying to make a conversation with me. Her voice confused and shaking, her eyes foggy. _What is going on with her…?_ “I love you and you’re the most important person in my life but… I need to talk to my friend. It’s been a while and… I can’t lie to her anymore. You can trust her, I promise. She’s just as cool as Aaron. I thought I might go to Leeds for a few days to meet her. I’m sure your uncle would let me go, he seems pretty busy with his business...”

“Why can’t you meet her somewhere closer?” I asked, feeling even more confused.

“Because… I don’t want to bump into anyone I know. Especially not into your relatives.” She explained.

I nodded, what else could I do? I just wanted her to be as happy as used to be a few weeks earlier and I would have agreed on anything to get that Alison back. _If she needs a few days break from me and my nightmares, so be it._

I cupped her face and even sent her a tiny smile to reassure her but all I got in return was a forced smile and a strange look in her eyes as our gaze met. I frowned as I tried to identify that look which was so familiar. _Is it…_ _guilt?_

“I need to go to town now to… help checking flights for Barbara in the library.” She said quickly and left a kiss on my lips before running to grab her coat and boots.

 

Alison’s POV

I finally found what I was looking for. I saved the number and a Leeds address attached to it in my phone from the computer screen and carefully deleted the search history, then got my coat to leave the library’s old building.

It was raining badly but I didn’t care, that was the least of my problem at the moment. I walked to a small, empty street so nobody would hear me talk on the phone, opened the number and placed my thumb on the ‘call’ button.

I hesitated, my heart racing and my hands shaking. Shame or not, I just wanted to sit down on the wet sidewalk and cry, let the rain wash away this terrible anxiety I’d been feeling in my stomach but I didn’t let myself lose control this time. _You need to be strong, there’s no other way… Just get it over with._

I took a deep breath and touched the green button to make the call…


	98. A Memory that Stops your Heart from Beating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's long, it's intense and finally, Mrs. Heelshire tells all she knows with a big twist at the end. Just too many emotions, I told ya... I hope you're ready. :D Enjoy!

I watched the berry flavored tea filter float motionlessly in the dark drink, the scent of raspberry and blueberry tea triggered me to helplessly fall into a memory from my childhood.

Picking berries in the forest on a warm spring afternoon behind my cousins’ house. I was around fourteen and my sister Mia got stung by a nettle. I blamed myself for not taking better care of her but my grandfather told me that it had happened to all the children living near woods at least once in their lifetime. He reassured me that it was impossible to protect a child from every single potential danger and I sure would realize once I’d have children on my own.

My childhood wasn’t specifically bad but my teenage years were haunted by the death of my brother and all the blame I carried with me from the tragedy. Although my grandfather’s words reassured me from time to time, I could never imagine to be able to bear the fear of losing a child so I convinced myself at an early age that it was better not to have one in the first place. Later it became easy to hide behind the comforting thought about never finding a man who I can trust so deeply to have his baby anyway so it wasn’t even a harassing thought anymore to think about having or not having children.

But every lie has to end once, even the most tender, most comforting ones.

I had no idea what the relevance of that memory was or if it had any at all as I stood there frozen next to the kitchen counter, fixating the full mug with an empty gaze. My thoughts felt just as empty though, my brain foggy and slow.

I would’ve done anything to avoid thinking about Leeds and everything that happened there. Barbara called me in the morning as soon as her flight landed in France to make sure if I was okay. Also, to convince me to be brave and face my decision. I needed to face it before guilt eats me up, she said.

It wasn’t only my decision that I had to face though. The idea of telling Brahms about Leeds was even worse than accepting the whole situation I had dragged myself into. I rather sank into a zombie state of mind where I didn’t have to face anything that I wanted to pretend they didn’t happen. Just a little more, a little longer…

I finally forced myself to bring the mug close to my lips and took a sip from the berry flavored tea. _Of course, it’s cool now…_

I decided to warm it up in the microwave but my cold, shaky hands failed to work the way they were supposed to work, let the tea mug slip through my weak fingers.

The mug landed on the kitchen floor hard, shattering into small pieces but still, I did not move. I watched the broken ceramic with empty eyes, the dark liquid spread on the floor like a small flood and only then bothered to go on my knees with a dry dish cloth to wipe the tea.

That was the moment when the emotions overflowed me at last, causing me to burst into tears while wiping the soaked kitchen floor.

I was crying, getting lost in self-pity when someone appeared next to me. First, I thought it was Brahms but when I looked up I realized it wasn’t him. It was Mrs. Heelshire looking down at me with wide eyes.

I immediately stopped crying and welcomed her, feeling truly ashamed of someone seeing me cry like that.

“Mrs. Heelshire…” I stuttered as I wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I thought y-you were sleeping.”

She didn’t say anything first, only continued staring at me from above. She then leaned down, grabbed my arms and pulled me up with a firm motion.

“Come here, darling.” She said in a comforting voice as seated me on one of the chairs next to the table.

“I… I need to wipe the floor and… collect the broken pieces…”

“It can wait. You need to sit here and take a deep breath first.” Brahms’ aunt told me as she sat down as well, placing her hand on the back of mine.

The kind, unexpected gesture of my employer triggered the intense emotions further, almost losing control over them as I felt my lips twitched again thanks to the suppressed tears.

“I wish my mom was here.”

That was all I could say, fixating the table even if it was hard to see anything behind my tears. The idea of how pathetic I must have sounded crying for my mom couldn’t even reach me anymore.

“I am sure your mother would tell you one thing, sweetheart. That you are much stronger than you think.” Mrs. Heelshire told me in a confident but gentle tone.

I finally moved my gaze up at her. There was something ridiculously comforting about her words and the way she said them.

“My sweet child…” She babbled, seeing my confused features. “There is only one reason a young woman would cry for her mother...”

My heart skipped a beat as I looked at the old woman.

“A forbidden love resulting something… unexpected.”

I knew that her sanity was questionable but it was something too eerie to just ignore. _She cannot know, it must be a coincidence._ Does she have mind reader skills just like her nephew? I remembered how good Brahms was with reading my feelings and thoughts, his aunt could be the same, she could be just as a good observer as Brahms. Besides, her words were valid. Why else would a grown woman cry for her mom? Logical…

Although, the next moment I realized something, something terrifying that made my stomach turn wildly.

_It doesn’t matter if it’s only her imagination or she does read my mind. She doesn’t know about Brahms so there are two men around I could feel a forbidden love for. Her husband and her son._ Then the first option reminded me of all the discoveries I had made before Leeds. Mr. Heelshire’s affair with Jessica, the diary, catching the aunt searching my room, the hidden page about her…

I suddenly ripped my hand from Mrs. Heelshire’s and flinched a little bit on my chair, recalling Aaron’s theory about the old lady seeing me as a potential threat to steal her husband as Jessica had done twenty-five years ago. I had no idea if I was extremely jumpy and paranoid because of Aaron’s anxiety was about to reach me as well or he was genuinely right about Mrs. Heelshire being dangerous to me.

“It’s not what it looks like.” I said quickly to save myself, my voice shaking. “It’s not them.”

“Not whom, darling?” Mrs. Heelshire asked in a confused, innocent tone.

“It isn’t your husband. Nor Max.” I blurted out, feeling embarrassed even saying it out loud.

The old lady frowned as if there was a crazy person sitting next to her, trying to prove that she did not have romantic feelings for Mr. Heelshire or Max.

“I’m not blaming you with anything, Alison.” The aunt said slowly. “I would like to help you.”

“Why?” I asked, my tone rude but I couldn’t help it anymore. _This is insane. What am I even doing with this woman talking about forbidden love?_

“Because you are like family, child. And I do not want to see you suffer, no matter what it is that you have been carrying on your shoulders lately.” She answered.

I remained silent for a few long seconds, rubbing my sore eyes from the absurdity of the situation, maybe even letting out a desperate chuckle as well. _It’s enough. I had enough. I should’ve asked her a long time ago instead of lying. I have enough lies in my life, I can’t take it anymore._

“I know about Jessica Holt’s diary, Mrs. Heelshire.” I said finally. “I read that page she’d written about you in March, 1991.”

The old lady pulled her eyebrows high but remained calm as always.

“Then you saw a tiny piece of the whole picture, darling.” She said with defiance in her voice and I could also recognize a hint of hurt in her blue gaze.

“Mrs. Heelshire…” I started, slowly finding the strength and curiosity in me to make further questions. “I know that Jessica hurt you bad and it was unforgivable what she did to your family… But I hope you understand that I need to know the truth… I… I need to feel safe here in this house. Unless I can’t stay anymore.”

It might have been only a coincidence that Mrs. Heelshire’s gaze had fallen down my belly area before she talked again.

“You are safe with me, Alison. I never hurt that girl and no circumstance could make me hurt you.” She spoke firmly. “Jessica Holt destroyed my marriage, my self-esteem along with a part of my sanity for sure but I am no murderer.”

My heart was still hammering but at least one heavy baggage fell off my shoulders. In that moment I had no reason not to believe Mrs. Heelshire and it felt like a tiny amount of relief, freeing me from one of the burdens.

“What do you think happened to her then, Mrs. Heelshire?” I asked, trying to sound a little bit more polite.

“She’s haunting you as well in your dreams, isn’t she?” The aunt asked back with a resigned chuckle.

“Yes.” I nodded. “I know it sounds strange but I’m Brahms’ nanny as well and… It feels like it’s my duty to find out what happened to Jessica.”

Mrs. Heelshire nodded with a serious face, not even questioning how I found out about Jessica being the Heelshires’ first nanny since they had done everything to keep it as a secret. She leaned a little closer to me before sharing her memories with me.

“I had suspected it for a long time that my husband had an affair with that redhead girl…” She started and I saw pain in her eyes as she recalled the hurtful memories. “After a while he didn’t even make much effort to hide it but he promised it was only a mistake and told me he would stop seeing her. Although, I still joined him every time he visited his brother in this house because I didn’t trust him. How could I have trusted him after such a betrayal? Every time I saw Jessica here, I saw a selfish, stupid girl who still meant a threat to my family.”

I could totally understand Mrs. Heelshire even if I wasn’t in her shoes. Obviously, she didn’t want Jessica being around her husband after the cheating.

“I believed if I kept following my dear Tom here in this house it would solve everything so… I kept coming as well, hoping everything was alright. But then the strange behavior started again… Mysterious calls, secret meetings, shady papers about a huge amount of family money missing… First, I thought it was happening again, he started to see the nanny one more time. I admit I might have lost my mind a little, becoming obsessed with that girl... I even took my little Brahms for a walk to ask him about her… It was the only thing I regret, involving that poor child into the mess he had nothing to do with. Jessica was good to him at least and it was horrible that I used the only friendship he got to learn more about her.”

I saw guilt in Mrs. Heelshire’s eyes as she continued.

“I asked my brother-in-law and his wife to send Jessica away but they refused, they told me that she had been making an exceptional effect on Brahms. I felt like I was out of choices so I decided to question her myself. So one day when nobody saw us I threatened her so she would stop the relationship with Tom. That was where the diary entry ended, wasn’t it?”

“Yes, indeed.” I nodded, craving to know what happened after the threat.

Mrs. Heelshire let out a long sigh before continuing.

“My husband still swore that he had stopped the affair with Jessica but since I was so desperate he promised he would send her away far away and I would never have to see her again. He bought a plane ticket for her and even gave her some money I suppose… But then something strange happened. A week before Brahms’ eighth birthday, the day before she allegedly disappeared, Jessica had asked me to meet her in the woods. First, I didn’t want to see her but then I decided otherwise without telling Tom where I was going.”

I swallowed hard as I listened to Mrs. Heelshire, feeling my muscles tensing. That must have been the same day Mary, Jessica’s sister saw her for a cup of coffee for the last time, one week before Brahms’ birthday.

“She seemed different than usual when I met her. She was as confident as always but… I could tell something was definitely off. She told me she had not known who she could trust anymore. She said she had a gift for me which I should ask her older sister, Mary to hand me over and that it was very important. We have one thing in common, she said. We both love Brahms to death. So it was important for me to find her so called gift.”

“Gift?” I frowned, a sick feeling building up in my stomach about Jessica mentioning their love for Brahms to the aunt. It sounded like she was trying to warn Mrs. Heelshire about something in connection to Brahms.

“I asked what her gift was because I honestly believed she was trying to play a sick game with me to take revenge for convincing Tom to send her away.” The aunt continued. “She said it was her necklace with a secret. A medallion that I needed to have from her sister.”

“A medallion with a secret?” I asked back. “Did she want you to know about her diary? Did she want you to find it?”

“I believe she did, dear. But I didn’t take her seriously. Then a week later… my little Brahms…”

Her voice faded and tears gathered in her eyes.

“It’s alright, Mrs. Heelshire.”

I had no idea where I got the nerves to do something like that but I placed my hand on hers to comfort the old lady. I knew exactly what she had to go through since Brahms told me everything about the fire. How her aunt tried to protect him but his parents and uncle ripped him out of her arms to murder him.

“I forgot about Jessica to be honest.” Mrs. Heelshire shook her head, fighting against her tears. “I found the medallion broken in the snow a few months ago and noticed the key in it. I recalled Jessica’s words from twenty-five years ago so I looked for the diary in her old room which is _your_ room now… I only found that page about myself…”

“Do you think that Jessica was messing with you?” I asked. “Or tried to frame you?”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore, Alison.” She answered. “I’m sure she could have done better if she wanted to frame me for her disappearance.”

That made sense, Jessica was smart.

“It all went down so quickly… One day I had beautiful family, a loving husband, a baby, a very special nephew and friends… First I lost my husband’s love, then Brahms… And I got the chance to see how evil they all were... All I wanted to do was protecting my only child from them but I failed badly. I was too weak, too tired and I think I just gave up. At least my mind did. It is all my fault, Alison.”

“Mrs. Heelshire…” I started carefully, decided it was time to ask the unaskable. “Have you ever thought about coming clean about all of this to the police? Telling them about what happened to Brahms?”

“Oh, my sweet child, I tried to tell them.” She sent me a smile that was more bitter than a whole pack of medicine. “But I was claimed to be mentally incapable of being a witness in court. Nobody believed me and I was sent into a hospital for years. They gave me so many drugs every day and forbid to see my son for months…”

“I’m so sorry, Mrs. Heelshire.” I stammered, seeing the teardrops disappearing in the deep wrinkles on her face.

“They were right about me not being completely sane though.” She shook her head. “Sometimes I don’t know what is real and what is not real. Sometimes I cannot tell the difference, Alison.”

_Of course, you can’t after everything your own family put you through…_

“But it’s so not fair!” I blurted out, being happy about Max and Mr. Heelshire not being around today. “Sorry for saying it but your husband is a terrible person. He’s a murderer, he tried to murder Brahms. He deserves to suffer for his sins!”

First, I didn’t notice what I said about Mr. Heelshire _trying_ to murder Brahms but then I saw a frown on the aunt’s face which rather seemed concerned though.

“I know, darling.” She squeezed my hand on the table in a reassuring way. “I know it feels like he’s still here and I know he indeed is. He just stays a boy forever.”

_She thinks about the doll, doesn’t she?_ A part of me desperately wanted to tell her the truth that Brahms was there with us and not in the form of a damn doll. He was a real man, survived the fire, grew up and… fell in love with me. He wasn’t a doll, he wasn’t a ghost trapped in the house and he definitely wasn’t a boy. He was a living man.

“Are you alright, Mrs. Heelshire?” I asked as I noticed that the old woman turned pale behind her tears and slightly stooped down.

“Yes. It must be the intense memories I have not thought about in decades… They make my heart ache.” She explained which didn’t reassure me about the old lady being fine.

“Do you want to lie down?” I asked anxiously but she shook her head, squeezing my hand harder.

“Listen to me carefully, Alison. There is something else about my husband that I never told anyone.”

I ignored the hint of pain her grip caused me on my hand.

“What is it about, Mrs. Heelshire?” I asked urgently. She turned a bit more pale but I believed it was caused by the fear of finally sharing the horrible truth about her husband.

“Phillip…” She gasped, fighting against her tears again.

“Phillip?” I frowned… I could’ve sworn I knew a Phillip but couldn’t place the name… _Phillip, Phillip, Phillip… Wait a second…_ “Nelson? You mean, Phillip Nelson?” I asked in shock, thinking about the Heelshires’ solicitor who killed himself after I’d asked his help on the phone.

“Yes.” Mrs. Heelshire answered. “He was my friend. A family friend.”

“Mr. Nelson, the Heelshires’ lawyer was your friend? Mr. Heelshire’s friend as well?”

“Yes, Alison.” She nodded with a painful grimace on her face. “But I’m not sure he committed suicide. The first day we moved into this house I caught Phillip sneaking in the garden. I didn’t know what he was doing and how long he was there but he tried to leave the property secretly. He seemed nervous… When I questioned him, he grabbed my arms and told me he needed to come here to help my dead brother-in-law and his wife. He told me I was the one who needed to help Brahms if something happens to him. He made me promise that I wouldn’t say anything to Tom about him being there because he couldn’t be trusted. I didn’t quite understand what he meant and he literally jumped into his car after to leave. The next thing I knew he was dead just like Brahms' parents.”

“Oh my god…” I moaned, my brain felt like an overfilled glass. “Do you think your husband killed Mr. Nelson? But why?”

“I don’t know why Alison but my husband was already a murderer as we know. I think he did kill him... Phillip was a great solicitor and the carrier of all our family secrets.” The aunt answered as she started to rub her shoulder anxiously. “I just wish it would be over at last… The secrets, the cheating, the lies… I wish Brahms had the chance to grow up and get away from this horrible family.”

“Mrs. Heelshire…” I mumbled, my voice shaking as I took a glimpse at the wall behind the kitchen table. I was ready to tell her, at least to give the choice to Brahms if he wanted to reveal himself for his aunt who seemingly deserved to know that her beloved nephew _did_ grow up.

I never got the chance to say anything though.

The next thing I knew was Mrs. Heelshire suddenly letting go of my hand, placing it on her chest as if she was in severe pain. She then fell from her chair, holding onto the edge of the table to give me just enough time to catch her before reaching the floor.

Brahms was next to me and his gasping aunt in a few seconds, kneeing down on the floor with terrified eyes.

I reacted fast, running to the shelf in the corner of the kitchen, took the old black phone to call the ambulance.

From the corner of my eyes I saw Mrs. Heelshire reaching for Brahms’ face, cupping his scarred cheek… From that gesture and the shock mixed with all kinds of emotions in her gaze it was obvious that she understood everything in a heartbeat. Even if her own heart was about to stop for good.

Brahms took her hands in his if the scene wasn’t heartbreaking enough.

“Brahms…” Mrs. Heelshire sighed with a last breath before losing consciousness, her nephew holding onto her hands still.

“I’m here, Auntie.” I'd heard Brahms’ silent but desperate voice before the dispatcher instructed me to start CPR…


	99. A Tiny Spot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy I had time to write so much this week guys... Here's one of the results. Enjoy! :)

“I cannot leave her now that she knows about the real me!” Brahms argued passionately, making me place both of my palms on my eyes from frustration.

“I’m not asking you to leave with me right now but the time we discussed. We discussed three months, Brahms, remember? One and a half left.”

My reminder of our agreement about leaving the Heelshire manor in three months didn’t soften Brahms this time.

“Absolutely no.” He shook his head, his dark brown curls bouncing around his face with his motion. “Auntie needs me, Alison. I can’t leave her.”

“She’s not even here! She’s in the hospital and will stay there for a while. You can’t do anything for her from this house, Brahms.” I reminded him.

Mrs. Heelshire fortunately survived the heart attack but hadn’t been released from the hospital yet. That obviously meant we couldn’t talk to her. Mr. Heelshire and Max told me she was better, recovering slowly but needed to stay under medical supervision for at least a few weeks. I couldn’t visit nor could talk to her, the only message I got from the old woman sounded something like this: “please, take care of my Brahms”. Whether she meant his living nephew or Brahmsy the doll, I had no clue…

“We don’t even know if she remembers clearly what happened.” I added firmly.

“What are you saying?” Brahms asked in a sinister tone, getting more and more upset.

“I’m saying that she might not remember you. She might think that seeing you was only a hallucination from pain. You heard her, she mentioned that sometimes she can’t tell the difference between imagination and reality.”

Brahms’ green eyes sparkled with pain and rage at the same time. _How could I dare to assume her aunt might have been unable to recall finding out about him being alive and holding her hand?_

“Okay, two more months. That’s it. We can make a secret visit at your aunt’s in the hospital before leaving.” I tried to close our argument with a compromise.

“But how could I leave her with that monster?” Brahms blurted out desperately, talking about Mr. Heelshire obviously.

“Aaron and I both have the same opinion as I already told you. If he wanted to hurt his wife, he already would’ve done it. Your uncle’s a manipulator, he needs his wife on his side and you know it. Besides, your cousin’s also there for her.”

Brahms sent me an “are you crazy?” kind of look which I accepted with a tiny eye roll. Max wasn’t the most caring person in the world, most parts of his brain rather certainly occupied by thoughts about his business achievements, parties and women with big boobs.

I sighed loudly.

“Gosh… Then can you at least work on recalling your lost memories?” I changed topic, not expecting a more positive response though.

“You mean about my eighth birthday? You want me to remember killing Emily Cribbs?” Brahms asked slowly, his eyes wide from shock.

“Yes, Brahms, I want you to finally remember for all of our sake.” I told him more rudely than I aimed.

“Are you mad?” He whined and I felt I was about to lose control over my emotions. “I don’t want to remember, you can’t force me.”

“I’m not trying to force you but you have to remember, god damn it!”

Brahms flinched a step, his eyes widened as I lost my temper in the end. I breathed in ad out slowly to calm myself down a little bit.

“These nightmares will drive you insane, they already do sometimes and I can’t let that happen.” I added just a tiny bit more tenderly. “You need to be brave and let yourself remember. I need you, Brahms, I don’t know how you can’t see it!”

Brahms’ eyes narrowed.

“Because it’s only about you…” He said between gritted teeth. I looked up at him with huge eyes, already knew what he was about to say. “You’re selfish, Alison.”

_Selfish…?!_ That was it. I turned around in the direction of the stairs, ready to leave to my room.

“Leave me alone! I need some space.” I shook Brahms’ hand off my arm firmly and disappeared from his eyes on the stairs before I could’ve said something I would regret for the rest of my life.

 

_Calm down, calm down, calm the fuck down…_

I was repeating the mantra in my head after collapsing onto my knees in the middle of the bedroom, hugging a pillow to my body. I buried my face in it and screamed…

It brought me to a pale relief, although I was still gasping, standing up and throwing the pillow back on the bed. I walked to the large mirror in the corner.

A pale girl stared back at me. Her brunette braid was messy, the usual circles under her eyes now dark and puffy with some purple undertone. Her weary face and the light sweater she was wearing made her suitable for the role of the evil ghost girl in any horror movie. Even the oversized sweater couldn’t hide the fact that she had lost a few inches from her curves lately.

“You look wonderful, girlfriend.” I told my reflection in a sarcastic voice. “ _At least I’m still alive.”_ I noted after, trying to add a bit of positivity to the chaos that meant my life at the moment. _Alive… At least I am alive…_

It reminded me of Leeds… My stomach made a sickening turn and I had to swallow hard to stop myself from throwing up. I wondered what if I had decided otherwise in Leeds a week ago. _Things would be different now._ I placed my hand over my belly area, feeling the urge to cry for the thousandth times that week.

_Brahms might be right, I am selfish._

I felt my eyes getting wetter as I recalled _that_ night inside the walls… When we were lying in bed with Brahms, being so much in love that it almost hurt... Talking about marriage and about having children before the power was gone… Making love in the darkness, melting into each other’s arms like the sun would never come up again…

_Third time’s a charm, as they say. You might not get a result twice but the third time is unlikely not to succeed… Even if it was never really my goal._

A teardrop left my eye as I recalled the first few mornings when nausea woke me up. How Brahms didn’t notice anything from me puking in the bathroom since the torturing nightmares made him so exhausted.

I had a pregnancy test with me - brought it from Finland before Christmas but never imagined I would ever need to use it. I had procrastinated taking it until I missed my period for the second time. Brahms obviously didn’t notice that either, was too occupied with fighting against his memories.

I recalled the morning when I finally took the test and it came back positive. I honestly felt like my life was over and cried for an hour in my clueless boyfriend’s arms. I couldn’t tell him, he had enough on his mind already. So I called my best friend, Barbara who understood only from the few words I shared with her what kind of a trouble I was in and did not even hesitate to meet me in Leeds to accompany me to the clinic I asked an appointment from.

I recalled the moment when I saw _it_ on the screen and had to make a choice. I tried to see it as only a tiny spot with its tiny legs and arms which were already noticeable. A tiny spot that changed everything.

The doctor was a kind-looking woman in her late forties, telling me that I still had time to decide but I knew I didn’t. So she gave me an appointment for the next morning. We went back to the hotel with Barbara and I told her everything. Everything about the Heelshires, all their sins, the deaths related to them, about our investigation with Aaron and of course about Brahms. How I found him struggling with the screwdriver, how I saved his life and raised him into a man. How I tried to run from my feelings but it was impossible. How we fell in love in the end and created this new life from a night of passion…

_Am I really selfish? For not being brave enough? Would I be less selfish if I chose the other option?_ All I wanted to do was to protect Brahms from this. _He’s too sensitive, too childish for a decision like this._

That was the moment when I realized how ridiculous it all sounded.

_He might be childish but he still should be there for me._ I blamed him for not supporting me but I never even gave the chance for him to try.

_This lie needs to end right now. How do I expect him to act like a grownup if I show him the exact opposite example, how to lie and run away from problems instead of taking responsibility. Yes, that’s what I need to do, face the facts and take responsibility._

I walked down the stairs with determine steps, calling Brahms’ name. I found him in the living room, sitting on the sofa.

“We need to talk.”

His reaction was pretty negative, he only rolled his eyes. Only me saying that I wanted to talk to him gave him anxiety… Of course, after all those pointless arguments and fights we had been through about leaving the manor or not. He thought I wanted to make another attempt to discuss that or his nightmares which made him even more frustrated.

“It’s not about leaving or your nightmares… I need to tell you something.”

I looked into his eyes. The pair of bluish green eyes which normally sparkled with fire were now tired and foggy, only a hint of curiosity turned up in them now that I wanted to tell him something different.

That tiny touch of curiosity told a lot about him, much more that I needed to see in this already tough moment. There was still a boyish innocence in his curious look, something pure like he would never assume that I was going to tell him something so shocking which might change his entire world forever.

“Brahms…” I sighed, started to hesitate then, not knowing how to tell him.

_Will he love me the same way? Or will he regret even wanting a woman to love and take care of?_

I took a deep breath and decided to simply say it as it was.

“I’m pregnant, Brahms…” I said factually. “We’re having a baby.”


	100. Tristan and Coleen – Brahms’ POV SPECIAL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys, here we are. At Chapter 100... I can't believe that I wrote one hundred chapters, it's insane... From the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading, commenting, giving kudos and again, for reading... It's been quite a journey and still the best part is about to come.
> 
> As I promised, this chapter is different, it's a special one to celebrate and thank you guys for reading and supporting Finding You. If it wasn't for you, I would have never taken this story this far.
> 
> I know, I know… You must think “yo author, we don't need a special chapter when Alison finally told Brahms she’s pregnant, give us his reaction! Like asap, right now.” Trust me, I know. But I promise this little special chapter won't disappoint you, even if it makes you wait a little longer for Brahmsy's reaction. It can be read on its own without knowing anything else from 'Finding You' but it's also related to the story and the current baby-storyline as well. It might be a little weird but I think y'all got used to it, haha.
> 
> I think that it's adorable, beautiful and it might be important in the story later. Have fun with it and happy one hundredth chapter day guys!!!!! :D <3

It was a usual Saturday afternoon, the summer of 2006. I was standing in front of the mirror in my room, carefully moving the razor on my jawline as I finished shaving. I washed and wiped my skin with a clean towel, then looked in the mirror one more time to examine the result of my work. _Smooth and soft. That’s how I like it._

I found the growing facial hairs terribly annoying so I shaved them every time before it could get out of control. For some mysterious reason there were more and more of them as I got older which I found truly terrifying.

“ _At least they’re all gone now.”_ I thought with a smug grin, ignoring the thickening hair on my chest. I didn’t bother to get rid of those. They were annoying as well but my face was my weakness, I did not want it to look more terrifying as already was. The hair was easy to get rid of at least, unlike something I could not make go away no matter how hard I used to try… For sure, the scars would follow me to the grave.

My freshly shaved face emphasized the boyish features which made me feel slightly better when I looked into my light colored eyes.

I stroked a lock of brunette curl between my fingers, tried to strengthen the lock but it curled back up the second I let go. I accepted with a sigh that my curls would never be as easy to handle as the little porcelain monster’s shiny, straight hair.

I walked to my bed to lie down with a book in my hand. I could have sneaked in the passage and watch Mummy and Daddy have fun with their guests but I disliked those people with passion.

The old couple - The Miltons - visited my parents occasionally, creating the same boring conversation every single time, talking about their daughter Ana who was a few years older than me. Their speech was always about how gorgeous Ana was, what a lovely, successful young woman she had turned into. I hated listening to their annoying praising and see the shame in my parents’ eyes so I rather spent time with my favorite books in the room during their stay.

This time there was another irritating factor of the Miltons’ visit. _Tristan…_ Tristan, the two year old grandson of the Miltons, perfect Ana’s only child.

The little invader was even worse than his grandparents, occupying _my_ room for his naps which I definitely did not appreciate. Mummy and Daddy made me promise I would behave during the Miltons’ visit and stay in my room like a good little boy. I didn’t understand the reason they were so anxious about that baby monster, I could not care less about him enjoying his afternoon nap in my old room. At least he remained quiet.

I kept reading my favorite story when suddenly a scream made me flinch on my bed.

I put down the book, running into the passages to find out what was happening. When I got a little closer, I realized it wasn’t only one scream. It was a child crying loudly. Invading the whole building. It wasn’t too hard to find out where it came from.

I climbed back into my room, waiting for someone to take care of the screaming child so it would stop making that horrible voice once and for all and I can go back to rest. But my wait was pointless since nobody silenced the screaming baby, at least five minutes had passed and still nothing. He was still crying as if he was stuck in the middle of the apocalypse, meanwhile I was very close to lose my patience.

 _“What is going on downstairs with the grownups?!”_ I asked myself angrily and got up again, throwing the book onto my bed to see it for myself.

 

_Of course…_

The Miltons’ unwanted visit ended the same way as always, with Daddy serving alcohol until they got drunk as a lord.

“A child needs to learn he is not the middle of the universe.” Mr. Milton said loudly, his nose reminded me of a reindeer from a Christmas story. Mrs. Milton agreed, saying that Tristan would doubtlessly calm down, drink his milk that they had left for him next to the bed and then go play on his own after realizing that nobody would be listening to his whining.

I shook my head inside the walls, being angry at Mr. and Mrs. Milton. After fifteen more minutes Tristan was still crying and I was close to have a migraine. _I need to do something to stop this annoying sound, I cannot take it anymore._

I let out a furious sigh and decided to punish my parents later for letting their guest ruin my day. My thoughts were rumbling between punishment ideas while hurrying up to my old room with determined steps. _Making a mess in the kitchen would definitely make it, Mummy will be furious._ I stopped at my old bedroom’s door, the screaming unbearably loud behind it.

I opened the door with a firm motion but my confidence vanished when I saw the baby standing next to my bed. His dark fringe reached the red, swollen eyes, his chubby cheeks pink from freshly waking up, all covered in tears.

He stopped crying for a second when saw me.

“Mummy?” He asked in a high-pitched, whiny tone. He then started to cry again, screaming ‘mummy’ over and over again.

I wanted to tell him I did not know where his mummy was but I was just as shocked as the small child when our gaze met.

To be fair, I had been not talked to directly by anyone in more than thirteen years. I almost forgot how it felt like to make eye contact with another living person. Even if he was only two years old and only said “mummy” to me…

Butterflies in my belly with some fear. That was what it felt like. It was exciting and a long forgotten feeling, my existence not being ignored by someone. I stepped closer to the tiny human timidly but my heart broke when he cried harder, flinching from me towards the bed. _Of course, he’s scared of me…_

I sighed bitterly behind the mask and decided it was no point keeping the otherwise uncomfortable porcelain on my face if Tristan was already terrified of me. I removed the mask and placed it on the nightstand.

For my biggest surprise, the baby didn’t seem that scared anymore.

I watched him walk to the door with his tiny feet and try to open it. But of course, he wasn’t strong, nor tall enough to turn the knob.

“Mummy?” He sniffed again.

“Your mummy isn’t here.” I answered this time. I was so nervous talking to someone that I even forgot about changing my original deep voice to the less scary, childish one.

“Granny?” Tristan asked.

“She’s downstairs but very… busy.” I answered, trying to protect him from the ugly truth about his granny being drunk.

No matter what I said, Tristan continued crying and I didn’t know what to do. I decided to sit down on the bed and wait.

I found my own actions surprising, I didn’t understand the reason not to leave Tristan simply. He was incredibly annoying and needy, his screaming already gave me the worst kind of headache. There was an unfamiliar thought though I couldn’t get out of my head… Even if he was whingy, I somehow found the little boy so fragile, his cries amusingly heartbreaking.

 _I know how it feels to be not listened to, my mummy ignores me as well._ The strange connection I felt towards the tiny child didn’t let me leave the room.

After a while Tristan was out of tears, he realized that nobody would come to see him.

“Granny?” He turned to me again with a sad face. “Whe-re?”

 _He can’t even talk properly…_ This time I truly felt sorry for him. _It must be just as hard for him to let his parents know what he wants as for me to let my parents know about my needs, communicating through the walls and the doll._

“Your grandmother is busy. She can’t play with you now, Trist.” I tried to explain to Tristan.

Fortunately, he did not start crying again, only making a sad, resigned face, then examined me curiously with his big brown eyes.

We were gazing each other for a minute, either of us knew what to do. Then suddenly Tristan walked to the wooden chest at the bottom of the bed and took a fabric bag which I had never seen before.

I let out an admiring chuckle when I saw his strength, dragging the oversized bag to my feet. _It must be his stuff…_

I opened the printed bag with tiny red cars on it but got a little confused by the sight of all the baby stuff in it. The two year old knew what he needed though as he pulled a nappy out of the bag.

“Do you want me to change your diaper?” I asked in shock after he had handed over the clean nappy to me.

“Yes.” Little Tristan answered with a firm nod.

I kept staring at him with wide eyes. I thought two year olds were… well, dumb. Stupid even. And now here I was with a baby who demanded me to change him, knowing exactly what he needed.

_How do I do that anyway? Isn’t that… repulsive?_

“Please…”

I heard Tristan’s baby voice, his politeness adding more to the shock I already experienced. I was so shocked actually that without much hesitation I reached under the child’s armpits and lifted him up the same way I had seen his grandad do it earlier. I placed Tristan on the bed next to me and he lay down eagerly on the red cover, still examining my face in the meantime.

I tried to recall all the memories I had about Auntie changing my cousin’s nappy when he was a baby. _It can’t be that hard, can it?_ I swallowed hard as I pulled down his tiny trousers. _Come on, this is only a dirty nappy, you have been through much worse…_

“Alright.” I sighed in a determined tone. “Let’s do it.”

 

I came back from the bathroom after washing my hand as I remembered Auntie doing it every time changing Max. Tristan was sitting on my old bed in his clean nappy, drinking milk from the nursing bottle his granny had left for him.

He reached his bottle towards me when I sat next to him, offering to share the milk with me.

“It’s very generous of you Trist but no, thank you.” I refused shyly, feeling a little embarrassed that someone offered something directly to me. Tristan let out a loud chuckle and took a big sip from his bottle.

“Was it tasty?” I asked, attempting to communicate with the two year old.

“Yeah.” He nodded confidently, reaching for his Teddy Bear on the pillow.

He gave me the worn toy and I accepted it this time.

“Ded-dy!” Tristan shouted cheerfully, pointing at the plush bear in my hand.

“Yes, Teddy.” I corrected him that for some mysterious reason Tristan found so funny he started to laugh loudly, screaming “deddy”.

I couldn’t help but to laugh as well, finding the little boy’s chuckles adorable. It was mad, really mad. I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed so carelessly. Or laughed at all…

Tristan climbed into my lap, the unfamiliar feeling of human touch almost made me flinch but I remained motionless and let the tiny human sit on his knees in my lap. A serious hint appeared on his chubby features when his brown gaze moved up to my face, triggering my insecurities immediately. I wanted to cover my face and protect myself from the shame even if I knew it was too late.

The move of Tristan’s hand was unexpected, almost shocking as he touched my destroyed face. He gently poked my right cheek, stroking his tiny index finger on the scars.

“Hu-rt.” He said.

“Yes…” I told him silently, looking into his large, brown eyes which reflected nothing less than pure empathy. “But I’m fine now...” I added insecurily.

Tristan babbled something which I couldn’t understand so asked him to repeat. He said it again and although I still wasn’t able to translate the baby language, I had a hint of what he wanted as he started to point at the window.

“Do you want to go out?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He answered with an enthusiastic nod.

“For a walk?” I frowned.

“Yeah.”

“Do you like being in nature?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you like forests?”

“Yeah.”

“Mm… It seems like a warm day.” I hummed as the realization hit me about how much I had been craving the fresh air as well.

“Yeah.” Tristan made a happy nod again which made me chuckle a little bit.

“Do you answer every question with a yes?” I smiled. The answer was of course a very joyful “yeah”.

I giggled and hesitated. _The Miltons are drunk with Mummy and Daddy, they possibly won’t check on Tristan in another two-three hours. I could easily take him into the woods where no one could catch me._

“Fine, let’s go outside for a walk. But don’t tell the grownups.”

Tristan screamed “yeah” again from joy and excitement, then slid out of my lap, bringing me his shoes.

“Oh…” I mumbled as realized he wanted me to put his shoes on him.

It wasn’t easy to handle the tiny baby shoes, I spent quite a time with trying when I finally succeeded. Tristan was waiting patiently and when his shoes were on his feet he cheered for the both of us happily.

“Shoes?” He asked as his brown gaze fell onto my bare feet. “Where?”

“Em… They are in my room but I usually don’t wear them.”

“Shoes?” Tristan asked again with wide eyes and I felt a slight pressure on me to put on some shoes anyway.

“Alright.” I sighed, giving in to the little one. “I’m going to get them, wait for me here.”

Tristan wasn’t too eager to stay there on his own, making a whiny sound when I tried to leave.

“It’s Brahms.” I answered shyly. “My name is Brahms. And I promise I won’t leave. I’ll get my shoes and come back for you. Do you understand?”

“Yeah.” Tristan said, although I wasn’t sure he truly understood. “Bya-hm.”

“Brahms.” I repeated.

“Bya-hm.” The baby babbled.

“Yes… I’ll be here in two minutes.”

Luckily, I didn’t hear any crying after disappearing in the passages.

*

I had never seen such a happy person as Tristan. He truly loved nature, it wasn’t hard to tell after running around on the footpath in between the oaks, screaming out of joy, jumping, learning new words like ‘leaves’, ‘bushes’ and ‘butterfly’. It was amazing to watch him get happy and excited about every small thing while carefully examining the tiniest parts of nature.

He was bright and so energetic that sometimes when he started to run and put his tiny feet down the ground so quickly it was quite exhausting to follow him.

“Pretty…” Tristan babbled as we examined an interesting white flower behind the bushes. I smiled at his statement, it was indeed beautiful.

The next moment a crackling sound could be heard from the footpath which made the both of us wince.

 _Oh no…_ I was sure nobody would walk there so close to our property in the middle of the woods but I was mistaken. Here she was, a stranger walking the path while gently humming to herself. A female, young and pretty with long black hair, carrying a backpack on her shoulders.

I looked at Tristan. He was standing next to me, moving his eyes between me and the girl, obviously didn’t understand why we had to hide. I kneed behind the bush, holding the tiny boy’s hand so he couldn’t escape. Not that it mattered…

“There!” Tristan pointed at the young lady who stopped on the path and tilted her head in the direction of our hiding place.

“Shh!” I tried to hush the baby but he didn’t listen.

“There!” He repeated in an excited voice.

“Who’s there?” The girl asked and Tristan answered with babbling, trying to tell me something I could not understand. I covered my mouth with one hand, my heart racing in my throat. I knew it was impossible to get out of this situation without revealing myself to the stranger who seemed just as scared as I was.

I took a deep breath and stood up, stepping out of the bushes.

“Hello.” The girl told me after wincing a little. I didn’t greet her back, my knees were shaking. “Are you alright?” She asked with a confused look on her face. She talked a little strangely, she wasn’t from around here. “Can you talk?” She added when I still remained silent.

I nodded shyly but Tristan wasn’t so timid even if he couldn’t be seen by the girl, still standing behind the bush next to my feet. “Byahm…?” He asked loudly, jerking my trousers to draw attention to him.

“Is there a child with you?” The girl frowned, crossing her arms in front of her body.

“It’s… Tristan.” I answered finally in a shaky tone, lifting him up to show the child to the stranger. After placing him on the ground, the little boy took my hand with one hand and my trousers with the other one, staring at the girl.

“Hi, Tristan.” She greeted him with a confused but kind smile.

“Hi.” Tristan said to her with a timid grin on his chubby face.

“He’s so cute!” The girl chuckled. “Is he yours?”

 _Mine…? Does she mean my… son? How could he be?_ I stared at the black haired beauty, feeling confused. _Come on, say something! She’s waiting for an answer._

“He’s… my friend.” I said finally.

“You’re friend…?” The girl raised her dark eyebrows high. “How old is he?”

“Two.” _A clear question at last…_

“Alright…” She frowned again with a chuckle. “Will you two stand there in the bushes forever?”

I shrugged, my face feeling hot but Tristan impatiently pulled his hand out of mine and ran towards the stranger so I couldn’t do otherwise than following him.

“Woah… You’re a very friendly boy, Tristan.” She said after he wrapped his little arms around her leg to give a hug. “I’m Coleen, by the way.”

I realized her blue eyes slightly twitched when looked up at me and had a closer look of my scars. I lowered my head, wanted nothing more than covering my right cheek but before I could have done that Coleen looked down at the babbling Tristan again, ignoring my looks from then. “Is your friend always this shy?”

Tristan let out a loud chuckle and handed a white flower over Coleen.

“I’m not shy.” I lied, feeling embarrassed. “I just don’t talk to a lot of people.”

“Oh…” Coleen stopped grimacing when her gaze wondered over my scars again. “I see.”

The conversation was already too embarrassing. I felt the urge to take Tristan and leave when he screamed my name cheerfully, pointing at a flower behind Coleen’s feet.

“Byahm! Byahm!”

“Byahm? Is that your name?” Coleen giggled.

“It’s Brahms.” I corrected her.

“It’s a special name.” She answered. “But very nice.”

“Thank you.” I mumbled after some hesitation. I still felt embarrassed, a strange excitement spreading in my stomach.

I even forgot to think about the possibility of Coleen putting together the pieces about the dead boy, Brahms Heelshire and a boy with a burnt face called Brahms she met in the woods close to the Heelshire property. Mummy and Daddy told me what would happen if people learned about me. I would be taken away to a hospital and never see them or our house again.

I swallowed, my heart started to beat faster. _What if she tells someone she saw me? How could I be so stupid telling my name to her?_

“So Brahms…” Coleen’s pleasant, tinkling voice pulled me out of my head. “What are you two doing in the woods?”

“Walking.” I answered. “Tristan wanted to go for a walk so I took him out.”

“Do you live nearby?” She asked.

“No. We took a cab.” I lied.

Coleen only sent me a smile and I hoped she didn’t have any further questions.

“I live around fifteen miles away. Only moved two months ago though so I don’t know too many people.” She explained and I noticed her cheeks got a pink tint to them.

I let out a relieved sigh. _That means she probably has not heard about me or my family._

“Byahm! C’leen!”

We both looked down at Tristan who was screaming our names impatiently. I found it incredible how much attention a two year old needed and I had no guess what he wanted this time as his whining soon turned into crying.

“Hey, it’s alright, we’re listening, little Tristan.” Coleen babbled as she picked the whingy baby up. “What’s wrong? Are you hungry?”

“Yeah.” Tristan answered in a high-pitched, whiny tone.

“Would you like some snacks?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t have any food with you if I’m not mistaken…” The cheeky girl sent me an almost degrading look, hugging the little boy close to her.

I shook my head defiantly. _Why on earth would I have food with me in the woods?_

“You shouldn’t take out a child without food and water.” She explained in a more tender voice as if she read my mind. “It’s alright, I have enough with me.”

“I came for a hike.” She added because of the suspicious look I had sent her. “Would you like to join me for a picnic?”

I didn’t know what to say, I had never been invited to a picnic, especially not by a stranger. But Tristan’s grating whines urged me to say yes and so I did.

*

It felt like I was watching someone else’s afternoon in the woods which wasn’t happening to me. _Things like that do not happen to me…_ Sitting on a soft blanket on a warm summer day with the little boy who became cheerful again as his tummy was full… and Coleen. Coleen, the pleasant girl with a pretty smile who was _kind_ to me. She ignored the ugliness of my face and for the time we spent together even _I_ forgot about the existence of the scars.

“It looks like I’m feeding two boys.” She chuckled after I had eagerly eaten all the sandwiches and biscuits she had offered me. “When was the last time you ate?”

I made an embarrassed grimace as I recalled the frozen porridge I had had in the morning.

“Thank you for feeding me. For feeding us.” I told Coleen gratefully.

“You’re welcome, Brahms.” She nodded with a smile. “I thought I would spend my last day alone, hiking in this beautiful forest but I have to admit it’s much more pleasant to have a nice company to share with.”

“Your last day?” I asked as the color of my cheeks rose due to the fact that she called me ‘nice company’.

“In England.” She nodded, wiping Tristan’s smeared face with a tissue so he can go run around again. “I’m Irish. I’m a med student in Ireland and only came here for the summer holidays.”

“Oh…” I smiled. _That explains her accent._ I liked accents, I always found fascinating how differently people can speak only because they’re from other parts of the globe. Mummy and Daddy didn’t have many foreign guests but when they did I stood there in the passage for hours, listening to the funny way they talked.

We both turned our head to Tristan who screamed with laughter while chasing a butterfly fiercely.

“He’s so sweet.” Coleen noted with a smile. “Are you sure he’s not yours?”

I blushed again. _Does that mean she finds me… sweet?_

“I’m sure. His grandparents are friends with my parents.” I answered.

“I see.” Coleen smiled.

We watched the running and jumping Tristan for a while when I forced myself to ask the questions I wanted to ask. I wanted to know more about her.

“What are you doing in England?” I asked.

“Em… I worked as a nanny. One of the children I was taking care of is two as well just like Tristan. I love children, they are so innocent…”

I sent her a smile. _Not all children are innocent… If she knew about what I had done…_

“I don’t know, I just wanted a break from my life, I guess.” She continued. “I’m twenty, this was my first year at university but I wasn’t not sure about the whole thing, being a doctor… I chose a family where the father’s a surgeon so I get an inside look of what it’s like, you know? I mean, it’s a pretty hard profession to choose, you need to be very dedicated.”

“Indeed.” I agreed, not that I knew anything about universities and professions. I was just a boy living inside of the walls after all…

“My grandmother’s from Northern-England so I decided to see her homeland, the place our family came from. It seemed like a deadly adventure as well.” She grinned. “What about you, Brahms? What’s _your_ story?”

I lowered my head, not sure what to say. I always thought that my life wasn’t worse than the average but now that I met Coleen and heard about universities, traveling, even hiking… I realized those adventures I read in books might not be only product of talented writers’ imagination. They _are_ real life adventures and I was missing them all…

“My story is not that interesting to be worth talking about.” I answered factually. For a second I thought Coleen would start teasing me to tell her anyway but surprisingly, she didn’t.

“Alright, Brahms. You don’t have to talk about yourself if you don’t want to. I understand.” She gave me a comforting smile and placed her hand on mine. I winced by the unexpected human touch but she never let my hand go.

“I don’t think that my parents love me, Coleen.”

I had no idea how it happened but it happened, the sentence left my mouth unstoppably. I checked her facial expression but it didn’t seem as shocked as I expected.

“Do you think they don’t love you because of the way your face looks?” She asked silently.

I let my chin fall again from shame but left my hand in hers, finding her touch too reassuring to let go.

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I said that. I’m so rude…” She clenched her eyes, her cheeks just as red as mine.

“Maybe…” I murmured, ignoring her apology. “Although, they didn’t love me before neither.”

“Before?” Coleen frowned. “Before you were… injured in the fire?”

My eyes widened. _How would she know?_

“I might be new to this whole med school thing but I know enough to recognize burnt scars, Brahms.” She explained.

I stared in her blue eyes.

“I wish we met earlier. Not on my last day in the country.” She said with resignation in her tone.

“So do I.” I agreed.

“It’s embarrassing to admit but… I never really had friends here.”

I wanted to tell her that she wasn’t alone because I could count on one hand how many people were friendly with me in my entire life but before I could have said anything Tristan had joined us again, jumping in my lap with a loud chuckle.

“Go’ you!” He screamed happily, giving me a big hug.

“Did you say _got you_ , sweetheart?” Coleen giggled. “Did you catch Brahms?”

“Yeah!” The little boy screamed his favorite word with a wide grin as he made himself comfortable in my lap.

“He seems so connected to you.” Coleen told me, examining the two of us.

“His grandparents abandoned him for the day meanwhile he was crying so… I thought it would be good for him to come out for a walk.”

“His grandparents abandoned him?” Coleen asked angrily.

“They locked him in a room so they can chat with my parents the whole day instead of taking care of him.” I explained.

“Bastards…” Coleen cursed. I hated swearing but there was something almost hilarious in the way this young, sweet girl did it that I couldn’t get angry with her.

“Ba-tayds!” Tristan shouted angrily, imitating Coleen.

For a second we both became silent from shock, then all of a sudden we all started to laugh. It felt so liberating, so good…

“I’m so sorry for teaching him a curse word.” Coleen apologized, wiping her tears from laughter.

“It’s alright, Coleen.” I reassured her.

Our gaze met and in that moment I felt more alive than ever.

“Brahms…” She started, leaning a little closer to me which made my heart race and my throat dry.

“Let’s run away together.” She blurted out.

“The three of us?” I asked, the idea shocked me too much to react anything smarter.

“If you’re brave enough to kidnap a child…” She grinned and then I knew she was only joking _._

*

She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek when we said goodbye. I carried the little human back into the house, he was too tired to walk, then the two of us played with puzzle until the Miltons came upstairs, I managed to climb back into the walls just in time.

I had been daydreaming about the afternoon ever since then, lying on my bed, thinking about an Irish girl with raven hair and piercing blue eyes sharing a buttery biscuit with me…

The inappropriate thoughts about Coleen weren’t the ones that surprised me the most though, it was something else. Before we said goodbye, she had told me that one day I would be a great husband to a lucky woman and an amazing daddy to a little child like Tristan. I always believed those dreams were unrealistic and they were only meant to be for the princes and princesses in stories.

Not anymore... Coleen gave me a gift nobody had ever given to me before. She gave me something to live for, a purpose. _She gave me hope…_

A heartbreaking cry woke me from my daydreaming.

 

I climbed down to my old room, a small lamp with an orange shadow was the only light in the there, shining in the nightly darkness. Tristan was sitting in the bed, tears covering his chubby cheeks, his dark hair messy. I sat next to him and he took my hand immediately.

“It’s alright, little baby.” I whispered to him. “Did you have a nightmare?”

“Yes.” He sniffed.

“Do you want me to read a bedtime story for you?” I asked. Bedtime stories comforted me as well.

“Yeah.” Tristan nodded so I picked him up along with his blanket and sat in the rocking chair with him in my lap to read a fairy-tale for him.

“Byahm…”

“Yes, Trist?” I asked.

“I’m ha-ppy.” He babbled in his child tone the most beautiful thing he could have told me.

I don’t know where the gesture came from but I kissed his chubby cheek before wiping a single teardrop from my eyes and continued reading _‘The Giving Tree’_ to him.

I read until he fell asleep right there in my arms. Then I carefully picked him up and put him back in bed. As I gently covered the sleeping boy with the blankets, then and there made an oath that if I ever have a child I would never ever abandon him, I would listen to him no matter what.

I sat there above the tiny man a little longer, watching him sleep peacefully and knew it was probably the last time I would ever see him.

*

I was right.

The next day all Tristan said was “Byahm” and kept pointing at the walls. I understood that he wanted to share our adventure with his grandparents and couldn’t blame him for it. He was only a baby after all, so tiny, so innocent.

The Miltons believed he was waving “bye-bye Byahm” to the doll but Mummy and Daddy knew the truth. They questioned me after our guests had left and I knocked twice on the wall to admit my sins about taking the baby out for a walk. Mummy cried and Daddy got upset. I hated that I made him angry but I knew they would not punish me, they never did since I had moved into the walls.

That was the last time I ever saw the Miltons as well. Since then Mummy and Daddy visited them in their house instead of ours. But I could not care less. And it was worth it, it was all worth it.

After all those years of surviving day after day, keeping my brain away from thoughts and desires so unrealistic, now at last I had something to hold onto. A dream that convinced me to get up from bed every morning and carry on to keep my sanity. The faith that one day I would have an amazing girl and a lovely baby to love and take care of. A family on my own.


	101. Sparks of Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know what to say about this, I guess you're all curious about the new chapter so enjoy! :)

Brahms kept staring at me as if I was talking to him in a language he couldn’t speak. I didn’t repeat my previous sentence, the sentence that changed everything for him. For us. No, I didn’t repeat it, I rather started to tell him everything.

I told him it was most likely the result of _that_ night inside the walls when the lights were out. I told him how I had brought a test from Finland just in case and how it came back positive one morning. I told him that I needed my friend’s support, another woman and that’s something he could never truly understand. I told him in details what had happened in Leeds, how I wanted to go for an abortion without him knowing but I wasn’t brave enough. When I talked about that part I was already crying and all I got in return was a sad, disappointed and incredibly confused look from him.

At least my monologue gave him enough time to digest the fact that I was almost ten weeks pregnant with his baby.

“So you don’t trust me, Alison?” He asked silently when he was finally able to speak after the shocking news. “You think that I’m still a little boy, don’t you? You think I’m not responsible enough to handle something like this?”

I lowered my head and wiped the tears from my eyes. That was exactly what I thought, even if it was too painful to admit. I might have been wrong, I wished I was wrong but a part of me still couldn’t see Brahms as a fully developed adult – a father – making decisions about his child.

And the worst thing was that even if I felt incredible guilt for thinking this way, we both knew there was at least some truth in my assumption. We sat there on the sofa next to each other, me sniffing silently and Brahms staring into nothingness, still trying to adjust.

“So… Is that a real thing you could choose?” He broke the silence at last. I saw tears gather in the pair of green eyes as well which made the sickening feeling in my stomach much worse.

“Wha-at?” I stuttered, fighting against the rest of my tears.

“Abortion.” Brahms answered, the word like an intense lightening in the quietest night.

“Yes.” I nodded weakly and I saw his eyes widen from shock. I forgot how little information he had about the real world and… I didn’t know why but it was the first time in our history that his innocence made me angry and even more frustrated, pushing me to a point where I wasn’t sure anymore what I was saying. I probably didn't even mean the words leaving my mouth. “It’s just a cell, you shouldn’t give me that look! It’s not yet an actual child. It’s… it’s not... Not like you’d ever understand. It would be attached to me for life, not you. I’m the one who would need to raise two children instead of one!”

I started to cry again. I knew how badly calling him my child hurt his self-esteem. I knew I unnecessarily took it all out on him and he wasn’t the one to blame. Pregnancy hormones, my unbearable guilt for even considering abortion or the burning self-blame for being so careless about having unprotected sex. Either way, I felt like I made our lives much-much harder and I hated myself for it.

Brahms looked sad and angry at the same time which was no surprise.

“I know it’s all my fault.” I continued but spoke calmly this time. “I can’t believe I was so stupid! I’ve never been this irresponsible in my life, ever. I always used protection, I can’t believe how I dragged you into this.”

“Dragged me?” Brahms frowned with a look on his face that almost seemed offended.

“Yeah, I mean it’s more understandable that you were irresponsible, Brahms… You’re inexperienced and…”

“Enough of this nonsense!” Brahms shouted suddenly, making me jump on the sofa. “I knew the potential consequences of making love to you and I still decided to do so. I’m capable of making my own bloody choices, Alison so I’m just as responsible for making this baby as you are! And you don’t need to make excuses for me, I’m not a child anymore, I’m thirty-three, damn it!”

I blinked at him in shock, I even forgot about crying.

“I hate that I can’t be there for you because I’m only a ghost for the rest of the world.” He continued bitterly. “I am completely worthless and I’m fed up with it! I want to be there for you, _with_ you. I don’t want to hide anymore like I was nothing but your secret.”

I don’t know which one of us his words hit the more but it was definitely harsh. Harsh and true. Pride overflowed my heart and for a moment I was touched by a light sensation of relief that it all would be alright.

“You’re right, Brahms. I’m sorry for not telling you sooner.” I said finally, taking a tissue from the coffee table to blow my nose. “I don’t want to do this without you, we need to make decisions together. You’re a grownup man and maybe... the reason I don’t trust you is that I don’t trust myself.”

“Why don’t you trust yourself, Ali?” Brahms asked in a tender tone now.

“Well, you know… Deep down I always wanted a family but I thought I’d never be grownup enough for taking care of another human being. And our current circumstances don’t help my doubts at all. I mean… No offense but you have no idea what a child is like. I’ve seen it because I used to be a nanny.”

Brahms slightly tilted his head to the side. For a short moment I could have sworn he gave me the “if you knew” look but I shook the weird thought off.

“You need to put them first from the day they’re born for the rest of your life. You can’t just throw them in the corner when you almost collapse from exhaustion or starve them because you can’t find a suitable job… And I could tell you examples of what it means to be a responsible parent but then we’d sit here for a week.”

“Do you think we would be shitty parents?”

My eyes widened again when I heard his use a slang curse word which never had left his posh tongue, ever.

“Don’t know…” I shrugged honestly, still under the effect of the casual way he had talked to me.

“What did your friend say?” Brahms asked curiously. “About everything.”

“Well…” I sighed. “She said that I was obviously crazy but she’s my best friend so… She said she supported me no matter what. She even told we can raise it together if it’s needed.”

I was finally able to smile as I recalled Barbara’s determined speech about how she would help me raise the baby.

“Like the three of us together?” Brahms frowned, seemingly couldn’t decide if my friend was joking or not.

“Probably.” I giggled.

Brahms sent me a pale smile. “I think you’ve already made your decision, Alison. A long time ago. You’re just too scared to admit because then you need to accept that it’s very much real.”

I stared at him with huge eyes and a hint of pride. He was so smart and read me like a book. Of course I made my decision a long time ago. Deep down I knew all along that I wanted to keep his child, no matter what and that I couldn't convince myself to go for an abortion. _No way..._

And for my biggest surprise, now that I finally admitted it to myself and it all became part of my reality, the stifling fear was all gone in a heartbeat, giving the space for the butterflies of excitement in my belly. Somewhere deep down my decision had been already made, maybe even before he or she was conceived. _I’m pregnant with_ his _child. I’m going to have a baby with Brahms._

I let out a long, relieved sigh but I still needed to know something.

“What do _you_ want, Brahms?” I asked, my heart suddenly racing in my throat waiting for his answer.

“What do you mean, Ali?” He asked back.

“Do you want to have this baby?” I asked the momentous question.

Brahms took both of my hands in his and looked me in the eyes.

“I promise I will love you two so much, no matter what the future brings for us. I’ll be the best daddy.”

I nodded, a different kind of teardrop left my eye. The first time in our relationship I could actually start to see him being a real and I knew he would be there for me, for _us_.

“Okay…” I wiped the tear with a tissue, feeling a little embarrassed from all those overwhelming emotions. “Don’t you dare making my baby a daddy’s girl or boy!”

“ _Our_ baby.” Brahms corrected me with a gentle smile.

As I looked into his green eyes I realized the old, lost sparks were back and I finally understood what they were. The glistering sparks of life.


	102. Dani and the Others

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! This is a short chapter based on a suggestion by StorytimeDreamer. I can't believe I wrote about baby names and I can't believe I actually enjoyed it... :O :D

“Let me see!” Brahms urged me to pull up my shirt to show him my belly. Like I would have been at least seven months pregnant...

“You can’t really see anything yet.” I explained with an embarrassed smile but lifted up my sweater and t-shirt anyway to prove my words. “Well, you can only feel how hard my belly is. See?”

I moved his hand on my lower abdomen, my heart beating really fast. This was the craziest feeling I’d ever experienced and I still didn’t really believe it was happening to me, to _us_. He had touched my belly so many times but this was completely different. This time he wasn’t stroking it to comfort, cuddle or arouse me… He placed his entire palm gently on my skin, looking for the tiniest changes of my body by his touch.

“I can’t believe I didn’t notice it sooner.” He noted.

“Can you feel the difference?” I asked and blushed roughly.

“Yes. It’s definitely harder and bigger than usually.” Brahms nodded. “So how big will it grow?”

“Well…” I shrugged, trying to ignore the fact how much the picture of another human growing in my belly terrified me. “I’ll look like a giant baby seal…”

Brahms’ face seemed very confused so I corrected myself. “I’ll look like a huge ball.”

“I’m sure you are going to be just as beautiful as now.” He assumed, his politeness making me giggle about his compliment.

“The baby is as big as a grape now. But it’ll grow very fast.” I explained. “It didn’t quite look like a human yet but I already saw its tiny legs and arms on the screen… The next time I can bring a photo for you.”

I saw Brahms’ face glow from excitement. _Gosh, he’s so adorable…_

“When do you have to go back to the doctors’?” He asked enthusiastically.

“In two months, she said. She said it’s very early, I’m in the tenth week only.” I sighed. “I just… want you to know that things can go wrong, especially in the beginning. I don’t want to disappoint you...”

“You would never disappoint me, Ali.” Brahms said and gave me a warm cuddle for comfort.

“Let’s hope for the best.” I smiled. “It must be as strong as its daddy so I’m not worried…”

It was Brahms’ turn to blush now.

“What do you want to call it?” He asked.

“Oh, it’s too early to give him or her a name.” I told him tenderly.

“I’d just… like to know your favorite names. Besides, we can’t call it _it_ the whole time, can we?” Brahms insisted and I gave in.

“If it’s a boy… I’d like to give him my brother’s name. Only if you don’t mind of course… We can choose another name if you don’t like Daniel.”

“I like it, Alison. It’s a lovely name…” Brahms responded with a smile and I pulled his head down to me for a kiss.

“If it’s a girl…” I mumbled.

“Danielle?”

“Mm, you’re smart.” I chuckled.

“It looks like we’re going to have a little Dani either way.” Brahms summarized and for a moment I could hear a touch of pride in his voice.

“What names do you like?” I asked, my face feeling so hot it almost burnt. Never had I ever imagined that we were going sit on the sofa with Brahms, picking baby names for our child who was slowly growing in me.

“I like Tristan besides Daniel.” He answered timidly.

“Tristan?” I frowned, trying to figure out where he heard that name.

“Yeah…”

“It’s a gorgeous name, I like it.” I nodded, realizing he must’ve read it in a story. _Tristan and Iseult maybe?_

“What about girl names?” I asked.

When Brahms took a deep breath and sighed enthusiastically, I knew my secret assumption was correct. My Brahmsy had tons of favorite female names.

“Wait, let me guess.” I giggled before he could have said anything. “Belle, Ella, Aurora…”

He raised his eyebrows.

“Alice, Bianca, Daria, Tabitha, Ariel, Gerda, Wendy…”

“Very funny…” Brahms murmured, his cheeks turning into a pink mess as I laughed loudly. _Of course, he loves fairy-tale and princess names._

“I’m so sorry, I couldn’t miss the opportunity… So what’s your favorite girl name? Besides the gorgeous Alison, of course.” I joked, making Brahms chuckle as well.

“Haylee.” He answered then.

“Haylee? Why Haylee?”

“I don’t know. I read it somewhere years ago.” He shrugged.

“I love Haylee. Haylee Heelshire sounds awesome, actually.” I agreed in an impressed tone.

“I know.” Brahms smiled proudly which told me how much he had thought about baby names already.

“Can you be any cuter than this?” I asked, my heart melted into a puddle when he pulled a confused face at me. I gently pushed his shoulders so he lie down on the sofa and I joined him, snuggling up in his arms the coziest way possible. “Do you have other favorite names as well?”

“I also like Amelia and Ellie.” He answered, stroking my hair gently.

“I like them both.” I answered. “It’s funny how much we agree about baby names.”

Brahms sent me a cheerful smile.

“Well, after little Dani we can have a Tristan, then a Haylee, an Amelia and an Ellie…”

“Excuse me!” I stopped him and he already giggled in my ear. “How many children do I have to give birth to, huh?”

“Mm… I also like Belle and Ella now that you mentioned.” Brahms chuckled.

“Okay, would you please stop right there?” I laughed and gave him a long, passionate kiss.

Before we could have gone any further, I felt the urge to share something else with him in a bubbly tone.

“I really like your name. Brahms…”

“Is it because you love me?” Brahms asked naively.

“Probably.” I said and kissed him again.

In that moment I was the happiest person on Earth no matter how awful our circumstances were. And when Brahms whispered in my ears that he loved me too, I knew my world was finally in balance.


	103. Let's Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Next chapter's here. Poor eight year old Brahms must be terrified to face his memories about what happened with Emily in the woods. Soon he needs to remember though... Enjoy!
> 
> It's been a while since I last said thank you for the kudos and comments guys, I appreciate all so much. Feedback is the best motivation. <3

The next night was the most terrifying night I spent in the Heelshire manor. More likely the most terrifying night of my entire life. I knew I’d had a few since the September of 2016 – faking crime scenes, hiding bodies in the freezer, removing screwdrivers, burying a dead guy in the woods and more… But last night something unexpected happened which almost made my heart stop for good.

I woke up in my bed in the middle of the night, alone. I didn’t really see much into the soft, missing curls next to me, Brahms could have been in the bathroom or something… So I went back to sleep. But then the cold, empty space on the sheets woke me up one more time an hour later and Brahms was still nowhere. The terrible feeling in my stomach urged me to put on a warm pullover and desperately look for him in the house.

After checking the bathroom and his old bedroom I decided to go down to the kitchen. _He might be drinking a cup of herbal tea to help his insomnia. He obviously had a nightmare again…_

An old stair made a long, creaking sounds under my weight as I walked down in the dark giant hall. The Heelshires’ gaze followed me from the enormous painting which I had never found so creepy before. A strange _deja vu_ like sensation hit me about the situation and I needed a few seconds to realize that it was eerily similar to last year’s Halloween night when Sandy Evans broke in to question me about betraying her sister.

 _“Who would have thought back then..?”_ I asked myself, then quickly shook the thought off about how much more complicated our lives had become since then.

_Okay, let’s focus on finding Brahms._

The search didn’t take much effort though. There he was, standing behind the large main door of the building which was… _Open?!_

I swallowed hard before calling his name in a shaky voice, his wide back almost absorbing the light my phone provided for me to see. He was completely motionless, standing behind the doorstep and although I could only see his back, he seemed to be fixating something outside. Yes, through the opened door…

“Brahms?” I asked again but never got an answer.

I carefully walked next to him and turned my phone in the direction of his face. My heart missed a beat when I saw the pair of green eyes… Glazed and empty, exactly like the doll’s eyes. They were just as motionless as the rest of his body, gazing into nothingness. I tried to follow his stare after realizing he wouldn’t react no matter how many times I call his name but there was so dark outside, it was impossible to see further than the first half of the dirt road.

There was nothing in that direction anyway, except the huge Victorian style gate of the Heelshire property and the dense forest around us. There was literally nothing to see, everything was quiet and steady, even the rain showed mercy on the wildlife that night.

I moved my gaze back onto Brahms, by that time already realized what was going on with him. He wasn’t looking at anything, he was sleepwalking _…_

I gently put my hands on his biceps, pinning him around to guide the sleeping man back in to the comfort of my room.

I had never seen a person sleepwalk before except on TV so I didn’t know what to do. One thing I knew though. It was another warning symptom of his nightmares, the horrifying memory he repressed.

I slowly led him back to my bed and by a gentle push he lay under the covers on his own like he knew it was where he was supposed be. Safe and warm in my arms. I tucked him in and seemingly he settled at last with his eyes closed again.

Of course, I never went back to sleep that night.

*

The next day Brahms obviously didn’t remember any of his nighttime walk. But I did and it freaked me out so much I honestly wasn’t sure about ever sleeping at night again.

“I’m sorry for scaring you, Alison.” Brahms told in a guilty voice the next morning after I’d told him about what happened. “I was focusing on regaining my memories so badly before going to bed last night, maybe that was the reason.”

“Did you change your mind about facing the nightmares? Do you want to remember?” I asked after his statement with a hint of hope.

“Of course I changed my mind.” Brahms nodded. “I can’t have a baby like this. Like struggling with my own brain every single night. I need to be brave and remember.”

“I’m so proud of you.” I hugged him tight with a big kiss on his chin.

“Thank you.” He said against my face. “I’m not sure if I can do it though…”

“Of course you can. You’re the strongest person I know and… I might be able to help you.”

Brahms raised his eyebrows high.

“I think it’ll take some time but... I have an idea.”

*

My idea was not one of those random, genius ideas hitting a person’s brain like thunderstorm and solving whacking problems so easily like they never even existed. No. My idea was nothing more than a tiny thought based on common sense. _Comforting Brahms and making him as relaxed as possible._

Somehow I strongly believed that a reassuring atmosphere could help his psyche reach a level of peace and rest where it would be able to recall the long lost memory along with the suppressed emotions. Since it seemed impossible to comfort him with words – he was way too stressed due to the countless sleepless nights behind us – I decided to start on the physical side.

We took a long, hot bath with candles and Raindrops by Chopin, the best medicine for anxiety. I gave him a massage and we made love. Slowly and leisurely, the massage oil making his body slide on mine so easily.

Well, Brahms didn’t experienced a nightmare during the nap we took then, more specifically he didn’t see any dream at all. I knew we wanted the opposite, to make him dream through the whole nightmare to recall his memories but I still believed it was a good sign. At least I managed to make him feel safe and relaxed enough for a peaceful nap.

 

“We’re gonna do this every single day until you remember. When your uncle and Max are at home we’ll do it during the night, I don’t care. It’s gonna be okay, Brahms. We got this.”

Brahms drank the last sip of his tea and placed the mug on the kitchen table. He reached for my hand then, squeezing it with a grateful look in his pretty, bluish green eyes.

Then suddenly the meditation music ended and my phone switched to a light modern pop song. The loud party music made us both wince. I caught the phone from the table, ready to stop it but then changed my mind as I saw Brahms’ almost disgusted face.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“No.” He firmly shook his head.

“This is one of the most popular party songs from last year.” I frowned with innocent eyes.

Brahms sent me a shocked dramatic look, probably thinking whether people were mad for enjoying this ‘cheap’ song.

“Hey, I know what else you need…” I started, already laughing wickedly to myself.

Brahms looked at me curiously without saying a word though, the loud powerful music giving him a headache for sure.

“A party!” I shouted so enthusiastically that it made him wince again.

“Pardon?” He asked.

“Come on, Brahms… You’re thirty-three and never been to a party. We need to change this. C’mon, dance with me.”

I jumped from the table and started to make my favorite dance moves. Brahms stared at me as if he couldn’t decide whether I went crazy or whether I was serious about the whole party thing. One thing was sure though, I knew him enough to know. Dancing for that ‘inappropriate’ music was the last thing he wanted to do.

“Could you please turn it off?” He asked in an annoyed tone, still sitting on his chair. “It’s horrendous.”

I looked him in the eyes and almost did as he said but then the next moment I sent him a playful look, turning the volume on to reach maximum level.

“I don’t like this song, Alison. Please, turn it off!” Brahms complained and I saw he was close to losing his patience.

“No.” I protested.

“Turn it off or I will!”

I answered with a chuckle and decided it was better to run. I ran to the stairs with a loud scream, but Brahms caught me halfway. He snaked one arm around me and tried to get the phone with the other, meanwhile I was screaming and laughing at the same time. His desperation to get rid of the party song was way too funny. Of course he won, took the phone and even managed to stop the music player on the touchscreen.

“You ruined the fun…” I rolled my eyes after he’d slid my phone into the pocket of his trousers, still gasping a little.

“Let’s read a book instead. That’s much more fun.” He said tenderly now, ready to leave to the music room.

“I can’t believe how old fashioned you are.” I said, just couldn’t stop teasing him.

Brahms stopped and pinned around to face me again.

“I’m not old fashioned!” He said with defiance in his voice.

“Yes, you are.” I insisted determinedly.

I saw his eyes twitch almost angrily as he walked over me.

“It’s so not fair, you know?” I asked when he stopped only an inch from me.

Brahms looked like a tower as he looked down at me with confused eyes, slightly tilting his head to the side.

“What is not fair, Alison?” He asked.

“That it’s enough for you to tower over me and bum, I feel tiny. Which is not okay because on the inside I’m strong and fearless and scary and… big.” I explained grumpily.

This time his lips twitched a little which meant he was on the edge of laughing. I formed my hand into fist and stepped on the second stair which made me almost as tall as Brahms. He just stood there and watched my hopeless attempt to look frightening.

“Are you scared now?” I asked, feeling pretty satisfied with my new ‘height’.

Brahms didn’t flinch. He held his hands behind his back, a playful spark lightened in his gaze.

“I’m shaking.” He answered.

I kept my chin high and my eyes wide to look scary but then just got tired.

“You better.” I said, trying to sound threatening. “I still love you though.” I added.

“You better.” Brahms imitated my previous gesture with a naughty grin.

“Ah, how dare you?!” I asked in a dramatic tone and he grabbed my waist, pulling me onto his lips.

*

“Did I miss out a lot?” Brahms asked in a wondering voice before bedtime.

“What you mean?”

I lazily stroked his bare chest, my head resting on his body as well. We’d been in bed for a while but weren’t sleeping yet.

“Well, you know… Partying, for example.” He mumbled, his finger in my hair with gentle, caressing motions.

I moved onto my elbow to look him in the eye and I noticed how sad he actually looked.

“You missed being a teenager and your twenties as well, yes. But that doesn’t mean you wasted your young years.” I explained, trying to comfort him with my words while still staying honest.

He looked at me as well, the meeting of our gaze woke up the butterflies in my belly.

“Like it or not, your experiences - or the lack of them -, living separated from the rest of the world are just as much the part of you as the experiences of other people being the part of their lives. They make you who you are today.’

“Do you believe so?” He asked, his features resigned.

“Of course.” I nodded. “But it doesn’t mean you can’t do things you feel would be crucial for you to experience.”

“Like what?” Brahms asked, a touch of excitement in his voice.

“I don’t know… Is there anything you want to try that you’ve missed?”

“I…” He stammered, hesitating a little. “I always wanted to go on a date.”

“A date?” I frowned. _Just when I thought he couldn’t be any cuter…_

“Yes. I heard so much about people dating and… I’d like to go on a proper date. With you.” He added.

“What would your ideal date be like?” I asked with a wide smile. “What would you do with me on our date?”

“Mm…” He hummed, thinking about the possibilities. “Taking you out somewhere nice.”

“I think we had several dates. We went for so many walks together, had dinners together…”

“But I want something special, something super… romantic.”

Brahms flushed as he said ‘romantic’.

“Let’s do it then.” I giggled. “Although, Mr. Heelshire and Max are coming back tomorrow so we might need to postpone our date a few weeks.”

“I’m a patient person.” Brahms smiled and I knew he was indeed.


	104. Stop Poking Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brahms is too funny with Alison's belly. And guess what? Time to tell Aaron. (I love this chapter, it's funny but still serious. Aaron and Alison's talks are the best, aren't they???) Enjoy! :)

Almost two months had passed by. Mrs. Heelshire was out of hospital but her husband decided it was better for her to stay in their other house with a live-in nurse for a while until she fully recovers. Max and Mr. Heelshire spent every night in the manor and they gave me so much work during the day – organizing the whole office with papers just to mention one – that we didn’t have too much privacy with Brahms. Except the nights. They were only ours, nobody could take that away from us. We were hugging tight every single night, kissing, cuddling to make up for the wasted daytime we had to spend without holding each other.

Brahms had his thirty-fourth birthday in April which we spent with some quite celebration before bedtime. I bought a pack of marshmallows and stack a small candle in one of them, convincing him to make a wish for himself.

I had never given as much love to someone as I’d given to Brahms during the last weeks. I tried to make him feel as safe as possible but his child self was still too scared of the memories to recall. He kept having the same nightmare over and over again and unfortunately sleepwalked occasionally as well.

When sleepwalking happened, I followed him everywhere but after a while I realized it was almost unnecessary since he did the same thing every time. Walked down the stairs in his pyjamas, opened the heavy entrance door and just stood there motionlessly, staring outside at the dark property with glazed eyes. Once he stood there for hours motionlessly before turning around and walking back to my bed. For sure, it was the creepiest thing I’d even seen in my life. The following times I simply carried him back to bed right away he reached the door.

*

It was a Sunday night in May, I was in bed with Brahms, trying to rest. Every time I almost fell asleep though, I had to wake up for a small pressure on my belly.

“You do realize it’s _my_ belly you keep poking, right?” I questioned Brahms in an annoyed tone after he’d gently deepened his index finger into my belly for the hundredth time that evening.

He looked up at me and rested his palm on my exposed skin.

“It’s so hard and big.” He claimed.

“It’s not that big.” I protested.

I was in week seventeen and my belly grew so much lately that I couldn’t wear tight shirts anymore in front of others since it wouldn’t have been too hard for them to discover that I was pregnant. Luckily, most of my clothes were pretty loose and the weather in Northern England allowed me to wear sweaters in May. So my secret was safe, at least for now.

When I was alone with Brahms and removed the protecting clothing from my body, my growing bump got exposed to the world and for his eyes.

Most of the time he pretended like it was nothing special and didn’t show any interest of the growing creature inside me. But occasionally when he thought I didn’t notice, he started to examine the bump with curious eyes and gentle touches. When I woke up and looked at him, he suddenly withdrew with his hand and embarrassment spread on his face as if he was caught or something. Honestly, it was hard for me to watch the scene without laughing.

“When exactly are you meeting Aaron tomorrow?” Brahms asked.

“During my lunch break, around half past twelve.” I answered as placed my hand on Brahms’.

He sent me an anxious look.

“I’m nervous too. But I’m sure he won’t freak out when I tell him. I know him, he’s not like everyone else. Aaron’s cool… What do _you_ think, Dani?” I asked the exposed baby bump and placed my hand on it next to Brahms’. “Oh… She says, tell Daddy to stop poking me.”

“She?” Brahms frowned, ignoring my joke. I noticed how embarrassed he looked when I said ‘daddy’, he was obviously still adjusting to the idea of becoming someone’s father.

“Or he. Have no idea… I just don’t want to call her – or him – ‘it’ anymore. So I’ll say him and her alternately.”

“Does Dani like stroking?” Brahms asked.

“Yes, she loves that. So do I.” I smiled as he slowly started to caress my belly. “And we both love _you_ the most.”

Brahms looked a little touched by my words but that was exactly my goal. He barely got any positive feedback during his life so I wanted him to know how much I – we – needed him.

*

“I’m listening.” Aaron said.

I met him at the small wooden bridge in the woods, not far from the main road. Of course, my confidence left me the second I saw Officer Vardy get out of the police car. We were standing on the middle of the bridge, reclining next to each other.

“It’s not because of our investigation I asked you to meet me. It’s something different I need to tell you…” I started, procrastinating the real reason. God, I was anxious as hell.

“What? Are you pregnant?” Aaron chuckled sarcastically. “I would’ve brought you guys condoms, you should’ve just asked you know…”

The nervous smile melted from my face in a heartbeat, turning into terror as I heard his attempt of teasing me. After a few seconds of grinning at his own wittiness the policeman’s face became just as shocked as mine, a deep wrinkle appearing on his forehead.

“No… No way. Tell me you’re joking…” He stammered. “Alison…?!”

“I’m not joking. It’s true.” I blurted out. “I’m pregnant. With Brahms’ baby.”

Aaron was devastated. He opened his mouth so visibly that I would’ve found it incredibly rude if it was somebody else. But I liked him too much to get offended though.

“That’s why you got so obsessed with finding a new job and a room, didn’t you?” He asked when the realization hit him.

I nodded. I did go to the library almost every other evening and searched every website to find something so we can move away. We had less than five months to clear up at least a part of the chaos we called our life.

“Have you found a job at least?” Aaron asked, still in shock.

“Yes. I got a job in Wales. They said they would help us find a room too.” I answered. “We can stay in a company accommodation until then.”

Aaron nodded factually. I couldn’t see any more emotions on his face, except some slight nervousness.

“Will you keep it?” He asked then. I needed a few seconds to realize he was talking about the baby.

“I just passed four months, Aaron.” I said, looking up at my friend with a weak smile.

“Oh my god…” That was all he told me in return, stroking his fingers through his short, dark hair. That was the moment he understood it all. I wasn’t only pregnant, but was indeed going to have a son or a daughter soon.

“I know…” I started. “I know you think that I’m stupid but I want this little human so much, we both want to have and raise him or her. I know it won’t be easy and I have no idea how but you know what? I don’t care. For the first time in my life I have faith in something, I have faith in _life_ that everything will work out at the end. All my life… I always judged people who were careless enough not to wait for the perfect circumstance to have children but now… I don’t know what’s happening to me but I love him so much and… This baby gives hope for the both of us. A chance to do better.”

Aaron let out a long, frustrated sigh.

“Alright, Alison… I said I’d protect you no matter what. But don’t expect me to give you a hug.” He rolled his eyes and I felt relief spreading in my chest.

“There’s something else.”

“Please, tell me you’re not having twins…”

“No.” I smiled. “I want you to meet him. I want you to meet Brahms.”

“I’ve always wanted to meet him. But I’m not sure if that’s mutual.”

“It is now. We talked about it and he agreed that very soon he needs to go out and meet a lot of new people so… He’s ready to meet you first.” I explained determinedly.

“Great.” Aaron nodded and changed the topic back. “Does anyone else know that you’re... pregnant?”

“Only Barbara.”

He frowned, trying place the name.

“My best friend from France.”

“Oh, of course.” He nodded.

“She flew to Leeds so I didn’t have to go alone to the hospital. I have to go back this week though so I need to book train tickets for me and… I was wondering if you could drive me to the library.”

Aaron let out a small chuckle.

“I’ll drive you to Leeds, silly.”

“No, you’ve done enough for me already.” I shook my head, blushing.

“Well, it wasn’t a question. But I warn you, I won’t hold your hand or anything weird during the baby scan…”

I burst into laughter, knowing that I couldn’t even express how grateful I was.

“There’s something I want you to do in return though.” Aaron spoke again.

“What’s that?”

“You need to tell Rose, Alison.” He answered seriously. “She’s your friend and I know we both want to protect her but… It’s too much. I can keep crime related secrets from her but not something like this… That the girl she considers her best friend is pregnant and didn’t even bother to share the news with her. You should be going out shopping cute baby clothes and post pictures with your belly or whatever it is that pregnant gals do these days.”

For a long second I remained silent, feeling the color of my cheeks rising. Rose, the sweet Rose… I was hundred percent sure that I wouldn’t post pregnant pictures and cute baby clothes didn’t excite me much either but… Rose, she was always so good to me, she was there when I had no one else to talk to and I’d been basically lying to her since the day we met. _I’m a shitty friend._

“I’ll tell her everything after we move away.” I agreed.

“That’s a good idea, then she wouldn’t get into the Heelshires’ mess and the Jessica case.” Aaron said. “We could drive to Wales once you settled and have the talk.”

“If everything goes well then we’ll be in Wales in a week.”

Silence crept onto the bridge between the two of us, a heavy, anxious but determined silence full of hope. Then out of sudden I decided to break it.

“Would you have really brought us condoms?” I frowned.

“Sure. Sometimes the solution’s much simpler than you think.” Aaron laughed as let go of the bridge railing, ready to leave.


	105. Rosy Cheeks - Brahms' POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, in this chapter the boys meet. Finally... And yaaaay, Brahms' POV. ;)
> 
> Hello Everyone! It's been a rough week but finishing and uploading a new chapter always brings me some comfort about life. Plus, I finally figured out how to write the ending. I mean I knew how the story would end from the very beginning but now I finally know how to form it. I thought a lot about the solutions because there will be a giant time jump before the end but I obviously wanted to tell what happened in between. Around 5 chapters left before the big - and final - time jump though. Enjoy! :)

I was sitting at the piano, making a determined attempt to play my favorite lullaby. I clumsily stroked my fingers on the instrument, trying to recall the moves of Alison’s hands on the worn piano keys. I smiled smugly when I succeeded, even if the melody wasn’t that perfect when she played it.

A warm, tickling sensation indicated that my thoughts rambled around the same, exciting picture over and over again. Me holding my child only in a few months.

 _Maybe I can play the lullaby while rocking her to sleep in my other arm. One arm playing the lullaby, the other one holding my baby… Maybe… Maybe I’ll teach her to play the melody when she’s older, the same way Alison taught me…_ A picture of a little girl with rosy cheeks and large, blue eyes was created by my mind - Danielle sent me a sassy smile while playing with her light brown locks. A tiny version of my Alison.

_Where is she though? She should be at home now._

I looked up to take a glimpse at the golden detailed clock on the wall. Almost eight o’clock. I sighed anxiously, even if I was sure she was in good hands with Aaron. The police man offered to drive her to the hospital in Leeds and accompany her to the scan where I could not follow her unluckily. _Maybe I’ll be strong and brave enough_ _to go with her the next time…_

I swallowed as I nervously started to play the lullaby one more time to distract my thoughts – unsuccessfully. I wasn’t only nervous because of Alison was late and I refused to go with her. My anxiety came from another sinister thought as well. _What if there’s something wrong with the baby? What if… What if it stopped growing or… something. I don’t even know what else can go wrong with a pregnancy._

I stopped my fingers on the piano keys, realizing how little I knew about such important questions. I closed the instrument and let my hands rest in my lap with the frustrating idea of how fragile life was.

Finally, a light sound of car wheels interrupted my worried thinking. I jumped from the piano chair to the window, my heart beating even faster as I saw the police car park in front of the house.

I agreed to meet Aaron that evening after they arrive home from Leeds and I knew I needed to stay true to my words. _It’s time._ I prepared myself but surprisingly, only Alison left the car, the policemen stayed still in the vehicle.

I rushed to the lobby to welcome the love of my life with the most worried face possible. She closed the heavy entrance door behind her and winced when she saw me standing at the bottom of the stairs.

“Aaron comes too, he just wanted to make a phone call or something. I think he wanted to give us some privacy first.” Alison explained instead of greeting me.

I didn’t say anything, I only cared about her and the baby. _Why would we need to have privacy?_ I quickly examined all the things could have gone wrong with the little life I needed to protect but when I caught Alison’s eyes she didn’t seem sad at all. It was quite the opposite. Her gaze was full of joy and excitement as she walked up to me. I closed her in my arms as she stepped on tiptoe to kiss me, burying her face in the crook of my neck – at least as much as she could reach it.

“Brahms…” She muffled against my collarbone, her voice almost shaking from excitement.

I remained silent, holding back my breathing and waited for her to tell me whatever it was.

“It’s a boy...” She whispered. “We’re having a little boy, Brahms.”

My heart almost broke through my chest from the rush of excitement. _Little Dani is a boy. We’re having a little boy…_ My lips formed into a silly, wide smile as the same picture from earlier recreated itself in my head – me teaching the lullaby to the little boy with rosy cheeks and… _Wait a second…_

The grin faded from my face as I slightly withdrew from Alison to be able to look her in the eyes.

“It’s still early, usually doctors can’t tell around this time yet but… our little boy decided to show himself with his legs wide open so…”

I couldn’t say a word. Me, Brahms Heelshire having a boy. A son. _There must be a mistake. Daniel should be Danielle, shouldn’t he? I need to have a girl, a daughter who looks like Alison._

“I know you always wanted a girl, Brahms.” She noted tenderly as if she could read my mind. “But it doesn’t really matter, right? You’re still happy, aren’t you?”

“I am happy, Alison.” I cupped her cheeks, my attempt pretend I was alright was definitely not enough.

“What’s wrong then?” Alison asked.

“I just… imagined our child… as a tiny version of you.”

“Why is it so important for you for Dani to look like me?” She frowned.

I sighed and let my hands fall down her arms.

“Because… what if… What if he looks like me?”

“What you mean?” Alison asked back suspiciously.

“If it was a girl then she might be as beautiful as you. But now that we know we’re having a boy…” I stuttered, the whole conversation was no doubt unpleasant.

“You don’t want Dani to look like you? You’re… you’re actually terrified that he’d resemble you, aren’t you?”

I didn’t answer, I only looked away from her, fixating the door with my eyes. Alison reached for my chin though and pull my gaze back to hers gently.

“Why would you hate yourself so much, my love?” She asked, the pretty blue eyes tender but shocked. She talked to me so gently that I was able to open up for her. _She’s Alison, she wouldn’t judge me._

“I don’t want him to be like a troubled boy I used to be. I… wanted a little girl who could look up at me as an ideal, who at least I can protect. I ca-an’t… I can’t give anything to a boy.”

Alison hesitated a little but when she finally talked, her voice was firm.

“Your son will need you just as much, Brahms. He’ll be a helpless child who needs his daddy’s love and protection. He won’t care of your past and I’m sure he’ll look at you as his ideal. You always have a choice to act like a good example and make decisions like that.”

Deep down, somewhere in the deepest part of my heart I knew that Alison was right - nothing mattered except the decisions we make for Dani. I also knew that I’d need time to adjust and truly accept the situation, I needed time to get in peace with myself. I’d come so far since she’d set me free of the screwdriver in my stomach but a part of me still listened to that sneaky, horrible voice in my head telling me that I was ugly and worthless.

“I love you.”

Alison’s soft tone and the gentle touch of her lips helped me shake off the depressing thoughts about myself. _Yes, she’s right. I would’ve needed Daddy to stand up for me when nobody did. I would’ve needed him to protect me but he chose not to and simply give upon me, his only son. I won’t repeat my father’s mistakes. Daniel will have a daddy who he can always count on, no matter what._

“I love you too, Alison. Both of you.”

The next thing I knew, I was on my knees in front of her, lifting up the loose jumper that covered her bulging belly. I left a soft kiss on the bump. I looked up at her then just to see my lover’s cheeks become flushed as the little child's rosy cheeks in my imagination.

The door opened with a long creaking sound behind us. As I turned back I saw Aaron enter the lobby and stop only a few steps away from us. I’d seen him so many times now – tall, muscular figure and short, black hair. For some strange reason there was something unusual, something new about him now and I needed some time to figure out what that was, that I wasn’t the only one looking at him from the walls. This time he stared straight back at me.

Alison reacted fast, she jumped between us in a protective way as if she was worried about us grabbing each other’s throat. But she didn’t need to worry. The reason my muscles tensed so visibly was that I would’ve been able to count on my two hands how many people had made eye contact with me since the day I'd moved into the walls.

The look on Aaron’s face was somewhat similar to mine even if he wasn’t in the same exceptional situation as I was. He seemed curios but nervous as well. My gaze fell down his right hand which slowly moved toward me. _Handshake? Does he want to shake my hand? Alison explained to me the importance of gestures like that and how people use them._ I hesitated a bit but Aaron didn’t flinch, he held his arm motionlessly without breaking the eye contact.

I literally heard Alison’s relieved sigh as I took the policeman’s hand in a strong but harmless squeeze and shook it. Just like I’d practiced with her.

“Hi Brahms. It’s good to finally meet you.” Aaron said and let go of my hand.

“I remember you.” I blurted out unexpectedly.

I saw Alison freeze from the corner of my eye but Aaron didn’t even blink. Of course I didn’t want to be rude but that was something I wanted to tell him ever since Alison had told me about him and his intentions to bring me justice.

I remembered everything just like it had happened yesterday. The Vardys’ visit, the tea afternoon with the Mr. Vardy the policeman and his son, Aaron. I remembered how friendly he was when we were left alone in my room, not caring about me sitting on my bed with a book instead of chit-chatting and playing. The truth was, I’d thought a lot about Aaron during the first years I’d spent inside the walls and all the opportunities I had missed of having a friend for the first time of my life. Well, except Jessica of course - who by the way had had to hide in her room that afternoon so the policeman didn't realize the truth about my parents hiring special help for their “odd” son.

I also remembered the gangling teenager breaking in my house a few years later – even if he’d changed a lot I still knew it was Aaron. That night he confusion was almost unbearable and the following weeks resembled an emotional rollercoaster for me. The boy who once wanted to be my friend breaking into my house. Unbelievable... Time had passed though and the strange feelings faded, giving place for other confusing thoughts and feelings which had nothing to do with Aaron – or any potential male friends.

“Thank you. For everything you’ve done for Alison. For us.” I added.

A slight, encouraging smile appeared on Aaron's masculine features.

“No worries.” He nodded. “And first of all, congratulations on little Daniel.”

“Did you see him?” I asked curiously. A hint of jealousy was mixed with a pointless but desperate hope for Aaron telling me that Alison had only joked, Daniel was Danielle, a little girl.

“I did.” The policeman nodded with an embarrassed grin. “He’s adorable, Brahms... I must admit that I became a little emotional when I saw him on the screen.”

“He was crying like a baby.” Alison chuckled.

“No, I wasn’t... Alright, there might have been a few teardrops but that was all.” Aaron protested.

“Sure, sure…” Ali laughed and I smiled as well along with them, forgetting the disappointment about Dani being a boy who might resemble me.

“Shall we sit down in the living room? I’ll bring tea.” Alison offered with a relieved smile. We nodded and changed a quick look with Aaron, knowing that we were going to get along just perfectly.


	106. Unfinished Business

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Guys! Sorry for the long wait, I don't know what to say. Shit happens, that's life. Only one more chapter to go until Brahms dreams himself through his nightmare and regains his full memory of the famous eighth birthday. And it won't be pretty... 
> 
> Thank you for more than 800 kudos, I never imagined I'd get that far kudos-wise. Thank you for every single comment and hit as well, thank you for keeping me motivated even on my worst writing days. Seriously, I'm gonna open a champagne when upload the very last chapter of 'Finding You'. Not because I'm be happy it's over but because I completed my first book and... we all know why. :) Okay, enjoy Chapter 106 y'all and see you later.

The ‘big reunion’ went absolutely well, Brahms and Aaron got along easily. It was so new to see Brahms chatting to another male friend, listening to him carefully, sometimes even having questions for Aaron and answers on his own. He was still incredibly shy but at least participated in the present moment without getting lost in his thoughts and hiding in his shell.

“I’m so proud of you.” I praised, running my fingers through the soft, dark brown curls.

We were lying on his bed in the secret room, Brahms snuggling up in my arms. We just popped in to find a book but from a sudden idea decided to… well, bring back some of our pleasant memories from the times I’d lived inside the walls with him.

Brahms awarded me with a smile, making his little dimples visible. God, I loved those dimples so much... He then rubbed his face against the crook of my neck, resembling to a purring cat starved for love and affection which I eagerly gave to him. I closed my arms around him tightly, leaving kisses on top of his locks. His hair smelled like a pleasant mixture of my sweet, bubblegum scented shampoo - which he stole from me all the time - and his unique musk.

 *

I reached the opening from the passages, leading to the living room. The one being hidden behind a painting portraying Brahms’ great grandfather. I waved goodbye to Brahms in the secret corridor as I wanted to make a tea for myself before deep cleaning the second floor.

I stepped out of the walls and closed the secret door behind me. The giant painting fell back into its original place and made a clicking sound as it merged together with the wall. Despite of Brahms’ sleepwalking and all the problems we had to take care of in the near future, I was in a good mood, I was honestly happy in the present moment. Deep down I knew we were doing the right thing and blindly following my intuitions for the first time of my life made me believe that everything was gonna be alright. I had a job in Wales and we had the help of Barbara and Aaron. I finally had faith in me – in us – that we would figure out the rest. And finally, the tickling excitement I felt about the bump under my oversized, nude sweater swept away all the fear and anxiety. Little Dani growing in my belly…

I had never imagined having a child at the age of twenty-seven – sometimes I refused the thought of having children at all - , but I somehow always had quite firm principals and ideas about how to raise a kid. I knew that I was going to be a strict parent to give away all the knowledge I had about this amazing world but the little human was going to be free to choose. Free to make his own decisions, to fail, to love, to fall, to win – simply to explore and face life fearlessly. And I was going to be behind him until I die, like a safe place he could return to anytime he needed.

I had a conversation with Brahms and he agreed to raise Daniel with unconditional love that doesn’t declare ‘only ifs’. The kind of love neither of us was given to. I knew that Brahms needed my guidance on the other hand since he’d seen so little of the world. But obviously, I was willing to give it to him, for the sake of our family.

I was humming a cheerful melody to myself knowing that nobody was home as I walked in the direction of the kitchen, thinking about how great that…

I jumped and screamed in horror as I bypassed the sofa and noticed Max lying there comfortably with a pillow under his blonde head. He did the exact same thing, pulling the white earphones out of his ears in one rough motion after his gaze had met mine.

“Alison?!” He gasped and sat up, his eyes reflecting horror as if he saw a ghost standing in front of him. For a few seconds the only noise could be heard in the living room was our heavy breathing and the silent rap song coming out of the earphones he was still holding in his hands.

“Max?” I pulled myself together while massaging my chest, making sure my heart was still beating. “When did you get back?”

“An hour ago. I was looking for you but you weren’t in your room, you weren’t anywhere… Wait… How on earth did you get here?” He asked in total confusion, checking the room with his eyes like he was trying to find an explanation for my sudden appearance out of nowhere.

I swallowed hard. I knew I had to come up with something believable. Quickly.

“I, em… I was out for a walk, then… I wanted to put a book - that I’d taken with me - back on that shelf but… But I didn’t see you when I went behind the sofa, only when I turned around.”

“You didn’t see me?” Max frowned.

“No, I didn’t… My thoughts have been very distracted lately.” I nodded, trying to seem as confident as possible.

“I can see that.” The blonde Heelshire chuckled, his blue eyes still reflecting nothing but confusion.

“How’s life?” I asked in an unusually friendly tone to distract him from my mysterious arrival. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Yeah, I’ve been busy.” He rolled his eyes and I knew that he took the bait. He wouldn’t have missed the opportunity of talking about himself. “With Father’s business and… personal agenda.”

“What kind of business does your dad own?” I asked with forced curiosity. In reality I knew they were making small piece parts and tools for different companies. That was just enough information for me about engineer stuff.

“We design and manufacture different equipment our customers wish for.” Max answered and I noticed a touch of frustration mixed in the usual pride he talked about his achievements with.

“Do you enjoy doing it?” I asked, wondering why I had never asked him the obvious question before. Probably because I’d never cared enough about him to ask.

“Are you asking me if I like business in the engineering field or doing business for my father?” Max sent me a cheeky smile, already making assumptions that I wasn’t sure about someone working for Mr. Heelshire being a wise idea. Well, he was right about that.

“I’m asking both.” I shrugged.

“That’s very droll.” Max chuckled, exposing his perfect teeth.

“Droll?” I asked back. I had no idea what ‘droll’ meant.

“Funny.” He smiled.

“Why’s that funny?”

“Because usually you don’t ask me anything at all.”

I couldn’t say a word, I didn’t even try to deny the obvious. Ever since that night in December when he’d hit on me and tried to argue with me about the reasons I should’ve hooked up with him, I’d been keeping our relationship strictly work-related, our talks short.

“It’s alright though. I’m not mad. I know you’re just playing coy. That’s what girls do to make guys believe you’re hard to get, don’t you?” Max smiled cheekily, raising his eyebrows.

“Excuse me?!” I asked, my tone being everything but well-mannered.

He didn’t answer but kept the eye contact, staring at me with a defiant look in his eyes which made me lose my temper even more.

“Or maybe some girls simply aren’t interested in you. How about that?” I asked angrily.

For my biggest surprise Max stood up from the sofa and started to walk towards me. I flinched automatically but he didn’t come near me, he bypassed and went to the oak table at the corner. I watched him take the - probably overly expensive - whiskey bottle and spill some in a glass.

“So I assume you won’t accept my invitation for a drink.” He said calmly as he drank a sip of whiskey.

I was surprised that he completely ignored my outburst. My concern about him hitting on me again didn’t fade though, I was pretty sure that Brahms was watching the little scene from the walls and I knew he wouldn’t tolerate his cousin’s another attempt to approach me. _Especially not now that I’m carrying his child._ I recalled how overprotective he’d become lately – trying to keep me away from every potential danger even if it was just a hot kettle or changing a bulb. I didn’t want to imagine what he would do if Max tried to kiss me again.

That was the thought what made me do something reckless, something incredibly stupid but by the time I comprehended what I was doing, it was already too late, my words were already free in the air.

“No. I can’t drink.” I said with a poker face.

“You can’t drink?” Max frowned. “Are you taking medicines or what?”

“I’m pregnant.”

Max froze. The flirty smile on his face, the whiskey glass in in his hand… everything froze.

“Are you… pregnant?” He stuttered and I nodded.

“Week seventeen.”

After the mental blackout he could only blurt out one question.

“Who… Who’s the father?”

His blue eyes reflected shock even if we both knew it wasn’t his problem, nor his business at all.

“My boyfriend.” I answered emotionlessly.

“The guy from Finland?” Max asked, still confused.

I needed a few seconds to recall my own lie about having a boyfriend in Finland, the lie I had told him when he’d tried to make a move on me in December.

“No. He’s British.” I answered firmly and I decided to continue when I saw Max’s face which looked more confused than ever. “It happened at the beginning of our relationship but we’re both happy about the baby.”

“But… How can you have a boyfriend? You barely leave the house.”

I - of course - expected this question.

“Love doesn’t know space and time.” I threw at him the most cliché line I could think of.

“You’re weird, Alison.” Max answered with a tiny, confused smile on his face and I knew that my plan worked.

The blonde walked back to the sofa with the glass in his hand, sat down and took a big sip. I was still standing there in the middle of the room, staying quiet for a while.

“I’m happy for you. Good for you.” Max broke the deep silence which started to get a little awkward.

I walked to the large sofa and seated myself next to him, making sure there was still enough space between us, just in case.

“Thank you.” I said politely, catching his eyes.

“I’ll never have children.” He noted in a factual voice in which I noticed a hint of bitterness.

“Why not?” I asked.

“I’m horrible with relationships. Mother always tells me that I’m not good to girls. Well, she’s right.”

His cynical chuckle made those words sound simply disturbing but I didn’t run away this time. It was hard to admit but for the first time ever I found the younger Heelshire’s sayings interesting.

“How come?” I asked him almost tenderly.

“I cheated on them all. All the girls I’ve been involved with. And trust me, there was a lot…”

I hummed a little.

“There’s always a reason people cheat.” I told him firmly.

Max sent me a small giggle.

“Do you want to hear the real reason I cheated on all of my girlfriends?” He asked.

“Tell me.” I answered.

“I simply didn’t give a shit about them.”

I knew it was a horrible thing to do but the way this posh, well-mannered man cursed and opened up for me with this raw honesty made me laugh almost hysterically. Max laughed together with me.

“Am I a bad person?” He asked after we’d both stopped.

“Probably.” I answered in a light tone. “But we all are in some point.”

“You think so?”

“Yes.” I nodded. “But you can always change your life and do something meaningful, something fulfilling. Not necessarily relationship-wise… There are so many potentials in the world to make better choices, you just need to notice them.”

“Well… thanks for the life lesson.” Max chuckled and drank the rest of his whiskey with one big sip.

“Anytime.” I told him. “By the way…. I leave next Monday. For good.”

“I guess you have to…” He pointed at my belly with his head. “You haven’t told Father yet, I assume…”

“Nope. I bet he’ll find someone else to clean the house in less than a week so… I didn’t rush to tell him.”

“Tell him. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

I nodded, being happy about Mr. Heelshire not returning in more than a week so I had an excuse to tell him via phone instead of in person.

“I can’t wait to start a new life...” I said suddenly with an excited smile. “I know it’ll be incredibly hard but… You know… Finally, just the two of us and our little boy.”

“Is it a… boy?” Max asked and I realized that he seemed more surprised than he was supposed to be. I looked up at him to catch his eyes. He looked at me as if he just understood that I was indeed pregnant.

“Yeah. It’s a boy.” I smiled, blushing.

Max didn’t return the pleasant gesture though, he rather seemed nervous. He glimpsed at the shelf behind us and for a short moment a crazy, sick idea crossed my mind about him looking at the wall instead of the shelf.

“I just came back for tonight to check on you. I’ll be away for a few more weeks again so… This is goodbye, I guess.” Max said.

“Yeah…” I mumbled and we both stood up from the sofa, knowing that we wouldn’t share a goodbye hug.

“Bye, Max.” I told him with a small smile. “Take care.”

“Goodbye, Alison.” He said quickly, mirroring my facial expression this time.

Although, I couldn’t help but to notice how forced it seemed with something strange, something sinister in that look but I couldn’t figure out what that was. The weary, exhausted woman in me locked deep into my subconscious the fact that Max looked… _Guilty_. No, I couldn’t think about that and the potential reasons behind it, I needed to cling onto the peaceful happiness I had finally found. Just for a little longer…


	107. Beginning of the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> It's been a while again. I won't answer the comments one by one but THANK YOU all so much for the kind words, trust me, I really needed them.
> 
> Thank you for your kind comments and no matter what, I wanted to upload before Christmas. So weird, when it was Christmas time in the story, Brahms and Alison had sex for the first time. Damn, I loved that scene... :D Merry Christmas my dear readers and enjoy!

It was the last weekend of May. Our last night in the Heelshire manor. The next day Brahms and I were going to leave the house and England for good, never looking back. The plan was well-thought but pretty simple. Aaron was going to pick us up, driving us to the train station where we catch a train to Wales. I had a job and a tiny flat already waiting for us in a small village between the protective mountains of Northern-Wales.

My faith in us was unstoppable. I couldn’t understand my own confidence, I’d never felt like this. Ever. On the other hand, I wasn’t thinking about the future too much – which was also a brand new feeling; me, Alison not worrying constantly about future events…

After Max had left, I called Mr. Heelshire and told him about the big news. Well, not the biggest news – that I was pregnant – but the one about me quitting my housekeeping-nanny job and leaving for good. For my biggest surprise, the uncle didn’t seem angry or devastated. He only hummed in the phone when I shared my decision with him, his tone not showing any sign of emotions. He told me he of course had not expected a twenty-something to stay in an old, empty manor forever, separated from the world and all the endless opportunities life could offer for a young adult.

_“It would be a wise choice of me to consider employing an old lady who doesn’t have a family on her own. Don’t you think, Miss Heikki?”_

That was all Mr. Heelshire asked besides the dates of my getaway and I didn’t stretch the conversation for longer, feeling relieved that it had gone so well. A mild, sickening sensation in my stomach warned me that it had been almost too easy, Mr. Heelshire had taken the loss of his housekeeper almost too well but… I ignored my intuitions. I didn’t know what else to do and we still didn’t have proof of the uncle being interested in hurting me. Despite of the fact that he was a bad man and had hurt people before, our relationship had always been strictly professional and reserved, for him I was just an employer who he could replace anytime he needed to. And it was fine. He didn’t have any reason to come after me – or Brahms, whose existence he had no idea about.

*

It was nine twenty-five in the evening and I was standing in my bedroom, in front of the life-sized mirror.

The young woman stared back at me with calm, sparkling eyes between the Victorian style frame, her brunette braid fell on her chest, partly covering the chaste shaping of the white dress she was wearing that night. The loose material around my hips was hiding most of the growing bump the tiny human created in my belly. I rested both of my hands on it.

“Good evening, little angel.” I told the bump in the mirror. “I’m going on a date with your daddy. Well, we’re kinda both going since you’re in my belly but… anyway, you just rest and grow big. Mummy loves you very much.”

I rolled my eyes at my own talk to little Daniel. _“We’re both going since you’re in my belly…” Seriously, Alison?_

I’d been trying to talk to my baby more and more but this whole pregnancy thing was still so new to me sometimes the stupidest things came to my mind I could tell my child. But hey… At least I was trying hard.

I sent a playful smile to my reflection and left the room for my first and last date in the Heelshire manor.

Brahms was already waiting for me downstairs, leaned against the railing. I let out a silent chuckle as I saw him wearing the exact same green cardigan he had worn when I’d found him with the screwdriver in his stomach almost nine months ago. The night our story had begun…

He protested for almost half an hour when I asked him to dig up the worn sweater in his closet and wear it for our special date night. He told me that I was completely nuts for wanting him to wear the “ugly, old jumper” for a special occasion like our first real date and he’d had rather chosen the white cardigan I loved so much on him. But as usually, I was so obdurate that he gave up arguing me. When I saw him stand in the lobby I couldn’t hold back my satisfied smile. It was perfect. _It all ends how it started._

Brahms looked up at me when he heard me chuckle and I stilled on one of the stairs as our gaze met. His green eyes rolled down on me in a second, then rested up on mine again. When I reached the lowest stair and accepted the hand he reached towards me, my heart was already beating like crazy.

“You look like an angel. So beautiful...” Brahms whispered in my ear after he’d left a kiss on my cheek.

“Thank you.” I giggled in confusion, his compliment and gaze made me flush like a sixteen year old on her very first date.

“Shall we go?” He asked in a soft but manly tone, his British accent adding more color to my already pink cheeks.

I nodded, keeping the eye contact and for a moment indeed felt like an angel. Innocent and fragile in Brahms’ arms.

 

“Where are you taking me?” I asked Brahms hesitantly while we were taking some sort of stairs across the secret passages I’d never seen before. I was absolutely shocked when he led me from the lobby into the walls through one of the hidden entries after making me a promise that I’d be more impressed than I could ever imagine.

“You’ll see. Don’t worry love, you’re safe with me.” Brahms comforted me and I couldn’t do anything else than to trust me, following him in the half light.

We finally reached a metal door which wasn’t taller than a ten year old child. I had sent a last frown to Brahms before stooped down and climbed through the opening, hearing the sound of my man doing the same behind me.

“Whoooah…”

My lips partly separated from surprise when I found myself outside, under the open air. The light, spring wind caught my hair right away but I brushed it from my face from because I wanted to see it all. The thousands of stars shining at us from the clear, dark blue sky. For a second I felt dizzy, not being able to see the end of the miracle over us.

“It’s… amazing.” I stuttered to Brahms but still couldn’t move my gaze away from the breathtaking view.

“I know you fancy stars so I wanted to show you this. I wanted you to have it all.” He said against my hair as he closed me in a tight cuddle from behind.

I couldn’t even say ‘thank you’, I was so blown away with the gorgeous dark sky and touched by the gesture Brahms had made for me. For a while we were just standing there, holding each other and staring at the sky.

“Where are we?” I asked finally, my voice weak from excitement.

“On the roof.” Brahms giggled, pulling me a little closer to him.

I sighed, my breath disappearing in the nightly, fresh air. Yes, it was perfect, it was all perfect…

 

We spent the evening lying on a blanket Brahms had carried with him, watching the stars. We talked about our lives, past, future and had a serious conversation about the universe. The silence between our talks was even more precious though, not the forced, awkward kind of silence when you can’t find a common ground with another person, but the deep, meaningful silence when the souls of two people meet on a higher level where words are simply needless.

We both felt when it was time for a slow, long kiss. Shivers went down my skin everywhere as our lips met in the darkness.

“Are you scared?” I whispered after we had broken the kiss.

Brahms didn’t question what I was talking about, he exactly knew what I meant.

“I am.” He answered silently. “But I know that I’m safe with you, Alison.”

“You are.” I agreed. “We’ll take care of each other. Like always.”

“It’s been quite a journey.” Brahms added with a long sigh.

“Yeah.” I chuckled. “I was so lost and too afraid to face myself. Too afraid to love. But now… Now I have something to live for, a purpose. And you Brahms… you were a little boy when I found you. And look at you now…”

I wanted to add that how proud I was of him, ready to face the real world and ready to be a responsible father and lover. But before I could’ve carried on with the words, I became too emotional, tears gathering in my eyes.

“Pregnancy hormones… They’re driving me mad.” I murmured as Brahms gently pulled my chin to his for another kiss. A kiss that was deeper than the dark blue color of the sky…

*

My throat woke me up in the middle of the night being as dry as a desert. I’d put on panties, sweatpants and a loose sweater before walking into the bathroom to drink a glass of water. When I sat back on my bed I realized that Brahms’ breathing was heavier than a sleeping person’s breathing normally should have been, drops of sweat glistering on his forehead.

He had a nightmare again.

I gently wiped the sweat from his skin using my bare hand, wondering which part of his memories he was living through at the moment.

“It’s alright, darling. I’m here with you, just let it go.” I whispered over my sleeping man, now wiping a teardrop from my own eyes. Watching Brahms suffer like this and not being able to help him was a tough one for me as well.

I let my hand slip down his arm and found his. I held his hand with both of mine as an unexpected, deep intuition guided me to start humming a soft lullaby, the one he always felt _his_. Brahms’ Lullaby.

 

BRAHMS’ POV:

_“I wouldn’t kiss you anyway, no one would!” Emily screams. “You should go cry to your mummy because she’s the only one who will ever kiss you goodnight!”_

_I want to cry, my hands form into fists, my nails dig into my palms. I want the blonde to go away but not only for now. I want her to disappear forever so I would never have to see her repulsive face, ever again. We stand there in silence for a while, my heart hammering, my breathing is shaky as I continue staring at her. Her grin slowly fading and she looks… scared? Is she scared of me? Am I finally have some power over her? She quietly flinches as I start walking towards her, I see pure fear in her eyes… Yes, finally, I am the one in control…_

_Suddenly the slightly smug feeling of power fades as a thick, dark fog invades the woods around us, darkness slowly covering the trees, bushes, then Emily’s face…_

_Of course, it’s happening again. The memory loss. That’s the last scene I remember, then bum, darkness comes, I hear a scream and wake up. I can’t remember, it’s too scary. No matter how hard I try to hold onto the dream, the forest, even the memory of the blonde standing in front of me, it’s all pointless. I feel powerless again, desperation taking over my presence._

_Then I hear a melody._

_It comes out of nowhere, it almost feels like it’s in my own head. Brahms’ Lullaby. It’s being hummed by a soft, angelic voice which somehow sounds familiar but I don’t know where from. Although, it all doesn’t matter._

_I suck all the strength out of that short melody and the woman’s comforting voice, turning my focus onto the forest around me. Slowly, the darkness fades away, I can see the trees, bushes and Emily’s scared face again clearly._

_Then I hear the scream._

_When I catch the blonde’s terrified eyes one more time, I finally realize the truth. It was never Emily whose scream I heard…_


	108. Her Grave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if you all remember Jessica and all the details so just a little reminder here. (Ignore this if you do remember, haha.)
> 
> /////////////Jessica Holt was Brahmsy's first nanny, hired secretly by the Heelshires since she worked with "problematic" children. She was last seen by Brahms twenty-five years ago on his eighth birthday, she's been missing since then. Jessica had an affair with Brahms' uncle but when Alison confronted him about their relationship, he said he'd promised his wife to end the affair and never heard about Jessica since then. Mrs. Heelshire told Alison that Jessica wanted her to have her medallion which had a key in it to open her diary. They only found one page under Alison's mattress on which Jessica complains about Mrs. Heelshire being scary.  
> Brahms has been having nightmares about his birthday, fighting with Emily but then he has a blackout every time, only hears a scream and a sound of something getting hit hard. The next thing he remembers, he's running to his mother with a bloody rock in his hand. Well, not anymore... ;)////////////
> 
> Don't forget to read the previous chapter if you haven't checked updates for a while because I uploaded on the 24th as well. I know, I haven't been good with updates so yeah, I totally understand... :D :( Alright, enjoy this new, dark chapter. Some even darker ones are coming soon. :)

Never had I ever imagined that it’d happen when finally only one single night separates us from freedom. When only less than a day had left before the departure of our train, few hours before we could have left this cursed place once and for all… The truth came after us.

I couldn’t remember how I’d fallen asleep that night when he saw his nightmare for the last time. Humming the lullaby, watching Brahms struggle with the usual horror based on his memories of the eighth birthday. Wiping sweat from his cold skin, caressing his face and humming as if he heard my voice…

When I woke up it was still dark, the old bulb of the pretty Tiffany lamp flickering, fighting against its own death like it didn’t want to give in entirely for the darkness.

I looked down at myself. I was wearing the same grey sweatpants and oversized sweater I had put on before visiting the bathroom for a glass of water an hour earlier. And Brahms… I needed some time to realize that he wasn’t next to me in bed.

He was standing in the middle of the room, trying to put on some clothes on him. First, I didn’t comprehend the oddness of the situation, nor did I notice how desperate his movements were. But then sleepiness faded from my eyes in a second when the sinister sound of hi heavy breathing reached my ears. He sounded like someone who just ran a half-marathon. I finally understood that something wasn’t right.

“Brahms?!”

I jumped out of bed but by that time he was all dressed, his green cardigan half on – half off his shoulder in the rush. For a moment he stilled and caught my eyes and when I looked into his I knew it for sure. Something terrible must have happened.

“Brahms, what’s going on?!” I cried, the blood in my veins curdled from sudden fear.

Brahms didn’t answer but the terror in his gaze told me more than words. The next moment he broke the eye contact and left the room so quickly as if he was chased.

“Brahms…?!” I called his name out of desperation for the third time, my shoes already on my feet as well, running after the tall man. Out to the hall, then down the stairs to the lobby, in the direction of the building’s entrance door. Brahms didn’t hesitate, he ripped the heavy door open and even then he didn’t stop like he’d done every time during sleepwalking.

This time he was fully awake and aware of his own actions as he stepped outside to the open air, his bare feet meeting the cold stones of the porch. He didn’t stop there either. I ran after him right away as if my life depended on not to lose sight of him disappearing in the darkness. The spring air was a little chilly and humid on the skin of my cheeks but it wasn’t raining that night. Not that I cared about the weather, I just wanted to keep up with Brahms’ explicit footsteps.

We crossed the whole property and my worst intuitions about where we were heading seemed to become reality when he almost threw himself into the woods. I silently murmured a “thank you” for being smart enough to pick up my phone from the nightstand before chasing my lover into the dark forest. My lover, who was clearly in complete shock and by the time we deviated from the familiar footpath I had a terrifying idea of what was going on with him.

He wasn’t sleepwalking for sure, he wasn’t experiencing a panic attack either since his actions seemed organized even if they didn’t make any sense to me. _Maybe… Maybe it finally happened and he dreamed himself through the entire nightmare. Maybe he regained his memories about what had happened on his eighth birthday before the fire._

I provided light for Brahms by my phone as he brushed the stray boughs away from his face, opening a path for us in the part of the forest where no soul had ever walked into.

“Brahms, where are you going?” I asked but as it was expected, he never answered. I grabbed at the back at his cardigan when I almost fell as my foot was caught by some twig or unevenness of the grassy forest ground. Our panting and the crackling sound of feet meeting the fallen leaves filled the death silence as we rushed deeper and deeper in the tree maze.

After around ten minutes he stopped. I bumped into Brahms’ wide back, my fast reaction prevented me from dropping the phone when our bodies crashed.

I moved the flashlight onto Brahms’ face to be able to read his face, making an attempt to find out what had made him stop out of sudden.

His green eyes were now almost as dark as the forest around us, fixating something in front of him intently as if he saw something horrifying. I pointed with the flashlight at the small glade, following his gaze but I couldn’t see anything except a few small pines and a thick, fallen tree trunk lying solitarily on the ground. A sick thought crept inside my mind about why Brahms would take me to a place like that in the middle of the night.

_He didn’t take you here, you followed him…_

After mentally correcting myself, I still felt sick in my stomach, adrenalin running through my veins like I would’ve needed my body to be ready for a huge fight any moment. I couldn’t imagine that things could get creepier but then Brahms walked behind one of the pines with explicit steps and without hesitation he pulled a big, heavy looking object out of the branches, gasping heavily.

I let out a desperate wine from shock when I saw what the object was. Brahms’ terrified gaze met mine for a second after he’d turned around with a _shovel_ in his hand.

I didn’t have time to ask anything – not that the words didn’t freeze in my throat completely -, the next moment he was already next to the fallen bole, sticking the edge of the shovel in the ground with a loud, devastated cry. Then started to dig.

I stopped a few feet away from him, trying to provide light for his eyes as much as my trembling hand allowed me to hold the phone straight in the air. I wanted to ask him what the hell was going on. I wanted to scream at him to demand answers immediately, grab his arms to shake him hard, convincing him to calm down and start talking to me. But I didn’t do any of it. I didn’t dare to. Not because I was scared of him to lose it more but because I was terrified of what he would tell me.

After ten minutes of desperate work digging and panting, the familiar smell of the freshly dug, wet ground invaded my nostrils, hitting the alarm button in my brain. In a second I recalled a memory of Sandy Evans, Brahms and me burying Greta’s ex-boyfriend in a similar, hollow part of the forest – only in a different direction, a few miles away from our current place.

The sickening memory mixed with the very much real scent of the earth pushed me to the edge of throwing up but somehow I managed to keep myself together.

A different sound pulled me back into the present moment. The sound of the metal part of the shovel meeting something hard in the ground. A loud scream escaped my mouth when I saw a human skull staring at us.

Brahms ignored my reaction and froze in his movements but only for a heartbeat. The shovel landed on the ground then – I wasn’t convinced if he dropped it from the shock or threw it away on purpose so he could fall on his knees and carry on with digging by bare hands. Either way, his upper body disappeared in the hole he’d dug as he almost scraped the rest of the earth in haste, his fingers sank into the ground, throwing dirt everywhere.

“No, no, no, no…” He gasped in a weak, higher tone, his breathing shakier than ever.

But it was all real. After another minute he dug up a full skeleton.

“No!” Brahms sobbed as he wiped the dirt from the black material covering the body. When I noticed that it was a – once no doubt pretty – black dress with lacy details, the sickening feeling in my stomach turned into realization about something that deep down I had already known ever since Brahms had found the shovel behind the pine.

After all those long months of guessing, theorizing and investigating… We found Jessica Holt’s body.


	109. Finding You Birthday Update

Hey guys. I unfortunately don't have a new chapter for you yet (although I'm working on it) but I have two GREAT news. From next week I'm going to have a few relaxed and calm weeks which means I can give this story the ending which it certainly deserves. And we all deserve after one year of enthusiastic reading and writing.

This brings me to the other reason I'm making this short update. 'Finding You' had its first birthday yesterday on the 13th of January. I can't believe how time flies and I uploaded the first chapter a year ago. I remember I was literally shaking from excitement when I did that and when I saw the first two hits. That's the kind of excitement I want to feel again and I'm gonna bring it back next week so you can expect the new chapter next week or the week after. And this time, we won't stop until we finish. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY! <3


	110. The Killer of Jessica

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. Here's the new chapter for you. It's not long but you find out the identity of the killer. Don't get disappointed though, there are some other secrets ahead of us, just like the motive. Have fun with it! :)

I held back my breathing.

I’d seen dead bodies before, not many but a few. The first time was during the last year of my criminology studies when Mr. Jarvinen – my crime scene studies professor – organized a “trip” as he called it to a morgue so the class can watch a doctor examine a victim’s body, searching for crime-related sings. I remembered how a significant part of the class got sick and needed to leave the room, some of them making a wise decision about pursue sociology as a career instead of criminology.

The second time was a few months later at the same location. It was part of my final exams to prove my university I was capable of clear, professional communication with the doctors and binding the new pieces of information to other details of the crime.

And then there was Cole. My third time seeing a dead person. I had never met him alive just like I had never met the other two victims either. The only difference in Cole’s case was that I wasn’t part of the investigator team. Quite the opposite, I was the companion of the unsub. I was an unsub as well.

Even if I had seen dead people in the past, looking at the skeleton in the pretty black dress, lying in her grave was a whole new level of disturbing for me. It was hard to believe it once used to belong to Jessica - to a living, breathing human being with flesh, blood and skin on her bones. The same bones I was staring at.

I held back my breathing because somehow I didn’t dare to disturb Brahms’ grief, his moment of realizing the truth. Him kneeing over her grave, his shaky fingers digging in the earth to find some stability as his whole world was about to crumble into nothingness – the scene seemed almost… intimate. Him realizing the truth, the truth I still didn’t know. I didn’t know how Jessica died, when exactly she died and - most importantly – why she had to die and get buried this horrifying way in the deepest part of the forest.

I was only sure of one thing. Jessica Holt was murdered. She got murdered by someone twenty-five years ago and got buried in the forest close to the boarder of the Heelshire property.

As my brain finally digested the information, Brahms had already jumped from his beloved first nanny’s human remains, his eyes wide and his breathing uneven as if he had just understood something else too. He almost fell from the sudden movement when he left the glade, running.

“Brahms?!” I called his name for the thousandth times that night and for the thousandth times he refused to react. He just ran with me behind, chasing him across the woods again. My thinking was stuck, repeating the same fact over and over again, stopping me from mentally following Brahms’ sudden actions. _We found Jessica’s body, Jessica was murdered._

Brahms didn’t run far though.

He stopped next to a footpath, exactly at the spot where the tight road ended. A medium sized rock marked the dead end, warning the hikers who occasionally got lost in the woods that if they carry on with their journey, they’re on their own after that point. Only the chaotic tree maze would be there to count on if someone didn’t take the sign seriously. The tree maze with all the dark, twisted secrets hidden inside.

I pointed with my flashlight at the rock, sensing that was exactly what Brahms was looking for and I wasn’t mistaken. With one firm motion and a loud groan he lifted up the edge of the heavy looking rock, tossing it away. It rolled over to the other side, exposing the bare earth underneath.

I couldn’t see anything there first but the moment Brahms leaned down to reach the ground and pick up something, I finally saw the object he found. A small notebook lying at the same place the rock had been standing less than a minute before.

I tried to catch Brahms’ eyes as he stilled next to me with the dirty, dark colored book in his hand but he didn’t return the gesture. He was staring at the object, gasping, his eyes reflecting all kinds of dark emotions ready to explode.

“No, no, no, no…” He cried, his voice high and shaky, never seen him this devastated. “I should’ve known… I should’ve remembered sooner…”

Lost touch with the outer world, he let out a loud scream as if the pages were made of fire, burning the skin of his palm, then throwing the book between the trees which got lost in the dark immediately. Poor Brahms tearing his own hair, crawling into his own skin and then it was all gone. The fear, desperation and panic all gone in his eyes in a heartbeat, turning into another powerful emotion that took over on him. _Pure rage._

I made a weak, pointless attempt to call his name and comfort him but as I’d expected, my attempt had been already sentenced to death.

“Don’t touch me!” Brahms screamed at me as I reached towards his arm, pulling it back right away. I didn’t even had time to get offended or scared since he started to run again, this time in the direction of the manor.

That was the moment when I knew Brahms had lost it.

I also knew there was only one thing I could do – following him everywhere with leaving enough distance for me to stay safe from my outraging lover. I was still convinced he wouldn’t hurt me and his unborn child on purpose but an accidental push could be enough to end with a tragedy and I couldn’t risk that. I ran after him, trying to keep up with his steps, paying attention not to approach him too much.

 

Brahms didn’t even stop after entering his own house, the furious steps aimed and had a final destination which I had no idea what was. He hurried to the stairs, kicked into a chair which was in his way – the poor antique piece of furniture landed in the corner as the man of the house let out a terrifying growl. I flinched a few feet backwards but continued following Brahms as he ran up the stairs to the first floor.

I still couldn’t understand what he was planning to do when he ripped off the door of his uncle’s home office. I stopped at the door, my feet stuck behind the threshold from fear as I watched him do the same in the middle of the room.

For a long minute it was only his heavy breathing that could be heard in the office and in the entire building as well. The next moment the silence was blew away by the most sinister, most terrifying scream I’d ever heard leaving a man’s throat that made the hairs on my back stand up and my skin rushed with goosebumps.

“Aaaaaaaaaah!” Brahms screamed and brushed off all the office supplements from his uncle’s table. The demolition was followed by the table itself and the tall lamp meeting the wall, its bulb shattering into million pieces.

I’d already flinched into the hall, back to the staircase, not even trying to stop the outraged Brahms from trashing the office. Just as I reached the stairs, I heard his scream one more time.

“You killed her! You killed her, you fucking monster! You killed heeer!”

So loud, so bitter that he almost forgot to articulate his words and sounded like someone who had nothing to lose. I supported myself by the railing and held onto it with both hands as I sat on a stair almost fainting from shock and fear, tears leaving my eyes while Brahms continued to scream the same sentence over and over again. “You killed her! You killed her!”

That was how I found out the truth. That Brahms’ uncle was the killer of Jessica.

Mr. Heelshire killed Jessica Holt.


	111. Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Brahms, poor Alison, poor everyone... This story is getting dark but to be fair it was always there behind the surface. After this, in the upcoming chapters we’re gonna jump a lot with the characters so brace yourselves. No resting here. :D There will be time jumps into the past and into the future. Diary pages from the past, memories, even some vision-hallucination kinda things… And of course Brahms' POV. Good, now I'm excited. I'll go and write, see you soon. :)

There were moments, very long moments when I truly believed it would never be over. The death screams of the furniture as its pieces reached their last moment of life, getting shattered by the furious Brahms. I was hugging myself on the top stair, clenching my eyes, crying in silence, waiting for him to stop.

I recalled a memory from my past in the Heelshire manor. A few months ago when I punished Brahms for the first time for his mischief – painting the Ludo fields blue with my favorite nail polish. He lost control over his emotions then as well and destroyed his room meanwhile I was sitting at the same spot – well, on the third floor to be more specific, not on the first one as this time. The scene in my mind seemed so distant as if it’d happened years ago, as if we’d been two different people with different lives then. Brahms losing it because he got punished for the first time after decades of getting away with his naughtiness.

This time he lost it because he was finally be able to remember everything that had happened on his eighth birthday – including the murder of his redhead nanny friend. Regaining access to his blocked memories wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies with a happy closure though. No, not at all. It also meant that he had to face the horrifying scene he had witnessed as a child. A brutal murder.

_Two murders._

My stomach made an unexpected turn as I reminded myself of the frightening fact that Brahms must have recalled a second murder as well. In the chaos I almost forgot about Emily Cribbs. I still only had half of the information and wasn’t able to put together all the missing pieces of this twisted story of Brahms’ eighth birthday. Including the timing. _Brahms killed Emily and then witnessed his uncle murdering Jessica? Does it make sense? But then how come Emily’s body was found at least a mile away from Jessica’s grave?_

To be honest, I had no clue and my head felt too weary to think. I had to focus on the present moment, on protecting Brahms from a complete, permanent mental collapse. Not that I had the ability to protect him from his own brain but I had to do anything to support him at least.

My thinking was distracted by the sudden silence coming from Mr. Heelshire’s office. No more books crushing onto the walls, no more porcelain decoration breaking… _Is it over?_

I waited for another minute before finding the mental strength in me to stand up and let go of the railing. My knees were still shaking and my throat was dry as I walked into the office with careful, quiet steps to see what was going on.

Brahms was standing in the middle of the room with his back facing the door, his green cardigan dirty from digging up Jessica’s grave about an hour before, his curly hair a dark mess on his head. Like the angel of death standing on top of the chaos – the office trashed, furniture upside down and shattered -, almost frozen, the only sign that I wasn’t staring at a sculpture of Lucifer himself was his wide shoulders moving up and down in a fast rhythm as he gasped.

Then he pinned around and caught my gaze.

His green eyes were red and swollen from the long, sleepless nights but for my biggest surprise most of the rage and hatred tranquilized from his gaze. It just seemed tired and… empty.

It was obvious. Brahms was still in shock. He was still panting, his body shaking when he looked at me like someone whose entire world just collapsed, not knowing where to go or what to do from now on.

I didn’t say a word, there were no right words to say. Guided from instincts, I reached a hand towards him and waited, hoping he’d accept my support. He didn’t hesitate much but slowly walked to me and I took his sticky hand in a tight grip.

I wanted to take him into the kitchen to prepare a cup of hot herbal tea for him but by the time we reached the last stair, he almost collapsed and I had to wrap my arm around his waist to support him to the large sofa.

“Bra-ahms…” I stuttered, I was still in shock as well. But Brahms never responded, only stared into nothingness with glazed eyes. Along with his mind, his body also reacted to the emotional shock, trembling as if he had dangerously high fever.

“Brahms?” I tried again, gently shaking his shoulders but no reaction.

I buried my face into my palm from helplessness when a sudden idea hit my mind. _Mrs. Heelshire’s sedatives…_

I ran upstairs to the aunt’s bedroom to find her left behind drug collection, along with those tiny, yellow pills she had to take when experiencing anxiety attacks. I knew it was a dangerous game to play but it was emergency. Brahms had a nervous breakdown and I had no idea what else to do with him. _That’s what they’d do in hospital as well, sedate him by similar drugs._

I gave him two of the yellow pills then put a pillow under his head. I covered ourselves with the thick, grey blanket and held him tight, trying to ignore the fact he smelled like the most hated thing I could think of at the moment. _Dirt from the freshly dug ground. He smelled like death._

“You’re strong, love. You’ll survive whatever it may be. You’re not alone this time.” I whispered to him, forcing myself to hold back my desperate tears.

Brahms kept staring at me, his gaze becoming even emptier and emptier until no feelings left behind the surface. No pain, no memories, nothing at all. Only the emptiness. I knew he was facing the most difficult battle of his life, fighting to keep his sanity and not to be crushed by his memory. I couldn’t do much else than hoping he was tough enough and his willpower was stronger than the trauma his brain had blocked for a reason.

Then he closed his eyes to sink into a dreamless sleep and I left a kiss on his dirty forehead before doing the same.

*

With the lack of drugs in my system, my sleeping wasn’t as deep and free of night terror as Brahms’s, who was still sleeping when I gave up trying. It was five in the morning and the rising of the first sunshine had already begun in the early summer dawn.

While my eyelids were still closed, I pretended that maybe it was only a nightmare and a weak spark of hope spread a warm sensation in my chest. But the moment I opened my eyes the hope was gone. Brahms’ memory was real, Jessica’s grave, Mr. Heelshire being the killer… When I realized it wasn’t just a dream, I understood that the warmness I’d been feeling under my heart wasn’t the result of hope. It was caused by the fear, terror and devastation, burning a hole in my chest and holding an imaginary grip around my throat.

But even then, a part of me still couldn’t buy any of that had happened during the night. Crazy as it sounds but after all those months of investigation, all the craziness I had been through in the manor, my brain still couldn’t comprehend that Jessica was dead and we found her body. _No, it can’t be. It must be a mistake, maybe… Maybe it wasn’t a real skeleton. That’s it, it must be a prank from last Halloween. It can’t be real. We can’t just find the skeleton of Brahms’ first nanny in the woods the night before we could finally be free for good… Not possible._

I wiped my eyes after getting up from the sofa, letting the sleeping Brahms be in peace for a little longer. I was still in strong denial, despite of the huge lump in my throat – a sinister sign of what I’d seen last night in the woods was very much real.

_I need proof. I need to see it again._

*

The early sunlight colored the dark trees grey as I followed our traces from last night in the forest.

The deeper I entered, the more I was able to convince myself that it was a very bad idea, the sickening sensation was constantly growing both in my stomach and my throat. I was exhausted and paranoid, jumped for every sound, my heart was racing, constantly pumping adrenaline into my veins to keep me going and get it over with as quickly as possible.

After ten minutes of upset wandering in the forest, I was sure I’d never find the exact same spot I’d been looking for. But how wrong I was… My heart missed an entire beat when I saw the edge of the glade, where the two oaks leaning against each other as if they were trying to form a gate for those who’d dare to enter the haunted place.

I stopped for a minute. Until now, I’d almost got sick every single time hearing a sound or seeing a shadow between the trees. I was terrified that somebody would come after me - a serial killer, a ghost, Mr. Heelshire or whomever. But now as I was standing there, gazing out at the glade, out of the sudden I started to miss the noises. _This silence is much, much worse._

Then I recalled a memory.

The first time Brahms and I went out for a walk, shortly after my arrival in September… Lying on the fallen leaves, tickling his palm and making him laugh for the first time… He then wanted to go back to the house, explaining how his stabbed wound hurt and made it difficult for him to breathe and walk. He told me he knew a shorter way back across the forest and we should’ve gone there.

“Oh my god!” I said to myself as I remember how we passed a strange, spooky part of the forest which was darker than the rest of the woods and so silent it was disturbing. I recalled how Brahms had suddenly stopped there at the edge, gazing in between the trees like a predator who sensed potential danger.

Now I knew why. He might have not had his memories but deep down he knew something horrible had happened. And eight months later I was standing there, only a bit deeper in the woods, being haunted by the same deathly silence meanwhile looking for Jessica’s grave.

I breathed in as deep as I could, trying to relax my racing heart. After realizing it was pointless, I formed my hand into fist from anxiety and walked into the glade.

I saw it almost immediately. A man-size pit next to the fallen bole. As I reached the grave I knew it wasn’t just a prank or a cruel hallucination of my own mind. It was all true. Last night really happened.

I didn’t know where those emotions came from but they overflowed me the second I saw the lacy black dress partly covering the skeleton.

_Jessica._

A teardrop left the corner of my tired eye, followed by many other. _Stop crying, you didn’t even know this girl. She died when you were a baby. Come on, Brahms needs you, you can’t break right now._

But then a picture of a face appeared in my mind. An old face with grey hair, sharp features and an evil grin – Mr. Heelshire’s face. The man who murdered a young woman in God knows what cruel, horrifying way and like nothing would’ve happened, he went back to his brother’s house. To set the eight year old Brahms on fire.

Anger and disgust hit me hard. The kind of rage I’d never felt in my entire life. I fell on my knees in front of Jessica’s grave, fighting for air as if there wasn’t enough on this planet for me to breathe. I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. With all of my desperation I wanted something to happen. A sound, thunderstorm, the Earth to open up and swallow me, anything. I wanted a sign to prove that it all had happened for a reason and no human life would go to waste in such a way. I wanted a sign that something kind and good was still up there, having an explanation for all this brutality and pointless suffering.

But nothing happened. The glade around me was still silent and Jessica’s skeleton was still lying there as if it was just a pack of stone, never had to do anything with life.

I ran to the closest bush and threw up.

For a while I felt like a mess – my body shaking, vomit and dirt stuck into my hair, tears covered my face… But then a thought crept into my mind which was stronger than the pain and even than the burning rage itself.

_I can’t let him win._

With that thought I wiped my face, pushed myself up from the ground and dragged myself back to Jessica. _I need to end this horror once and for all, I need to think about the living. Brahms, Dani, my family and friends… And myself._

“I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve to die like this. You deserved better.” I told the skeleton and with that sentence I left the place which had only seen pain and suffering.

*

“Where the hell is it?”

I was ripping away the dry leaves of a cranberry bush, searching for the book I’d watched Brahms pull out of under the rock and throw away in shock. _It must be somewhere here, not far from that rock…_

The sun was almost entirely up when I finally saw it. The notebook with the brown, leather cover stuck between the branches. I wasn’t surprised when I saw the first line after opening it up. Of course, I already knew what it must have been.

I sat under a tall oak with the book in my hand, stretching my aching back across the tree.

**“This diary belongs to Jessica Holt. If you read it, I’m most likely dead.”**

I’d stroked my fingers through my messy hair and taken a deep breath before started to read Jessica’s diary.


	112. Tales of a Dead Girl Part I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finalized my notes about the rest of the story and organized them into chapters. It looks like Finding You is gonna have 124 chapters. It might only get 1-2 more in case of some being too long like this one and I have to break them into two. But 124 is the final number for now.
> 
> I didn't want to divide Jessica's diary into two chapters but I rather give you a detailed story to be able to live it with the characters than rushing it.
> 
> Thanks for the comments guys, they make my day and motivate me so much. :)
> 
> Enjoy!

The first thing I noticed was the format of the book. It wasn’t a real diary. It seemed more like a… letter. It didn’t take me long to realize that it wasn’t Jessica’s original diary. She created this book to tell something, to tell her story as Brahms’ nanny and everything that came with the package which could mean only one thing.

She knew something terrible was about to happen and she needed proof in case of Mrs. Heelshire not finding the original diary. In case of something happening to her. Jessica knew that she was in danger.

The first letter was addressed to Brahms…

 

**_My dearest Brahms,_ **

**_My heart is breaking that I have to leave you. You have been the light of my days during the past year and I want you to know that you are not responsible for any of the reasons I leave. You are not the one to blame. Sometimes life puts such heavy burdens on our shoulders that we can’t bear for long and we need to free ourselves to survive. It’s not you, Brahms. You are perfect and do not let anyone tell you something different, ever._ **

**_As I am writing these lines, I can only hope that you find this book one day, a day not far in the future since the shortness of time we have. This book is important, Brahms. It can save lives, it can save us all. Please, take it back to the house and pass it over your parents or your aunt but no one else. No matter what you do, do not show it to your uncle!_ **

**_I don’t want you to read it neither. I trust you and know you are strong but you don’t need to face these terrible things I am about to write down on the next pages. Please, Brahms… Just take this book and give it to Mummy. She will know what to do._ **

**_I realize I am not at the place of giving you orders anymore but for one last time, you need to trust me and act as I say._ **

**_I will never forget you and I will never give upon the hope that our paths will cross again one day._ **

**_You will be in my heart forever._ **

**_Love you always,_ **

**_Jessica_ **

 

I turned the page, my heart raced to finally see everything that happened through Jessica’s eyes. A twisted thought crept into my mind about her writing these lines to me even if she died twenty-five years ago… I took another deep breath and started to read the second letter.

 

**_Dear Anyone Who Reads These Lines,_ **

**_I do not know who you are or when you are reading my letter. It might be too late but naively, I am still hoping this book reaches the right hands in the right time. My name is Jessica Holt and I am writing these lines on the 11 th of May, 1991._ **

**_I would like to tell you a story about lying, intrigue and a dark secret that forces me to create this diary about my past months at the Heelshires. Whoever you are, I encourage you to read it with an open mind and act as your conscience tells you. But please, read the whole book, don’t stop because of your judgments. Just finish it. That is how the story will be complete._ **

**_I need to start where it all began or maybe even earlier in the past. My job…_ **

****

**_Not long after my graduation from Norland I received a call. It was my past school. A wealthy family from Northern England made a request to the headmaster to find a nanny for their seven year old son. They tried to reach to all their freshly graduated nannies but almost all had a job already. Unlike me whose wanderlust was stronger than the desire of pursuing a nanny career._ **

**_The family’s requirements were particular for more than one reason. First of all, the child had some “issues” as the parents drew up. Instead of sharing details with the academy, they requested a nanny who wouldn’t be discouraged by a boy who “did not play well with other children”, whatever that meant. Secondly, they wanted someone willing to sign a contract about absolute secrecy. No one could know about the job._ **

**_Why did I say yes to this strange offer? Telling no to my dear alma mater would have been already difficult but refusing an opportunity involving so much money and the valid excuse for keeping secrets from my dear mother would have been nothing but pure stupidity._ **

**_That’s how I ended up in the Heelshire manor as a secret nanny._ **

**_Travelling the world has been my true dream since I can remember but saving money and being part of a mystery was also part of my plans. And I got it all from the Heelshires. Great money and dirty secrets. Lying to my family wasn’t as complicated as I expected. It was a pleasure to annoy Mama with my suddenly top secret job and my sister Mary trusted me enough not to ask too many questions._ **

**_Soon, little Brahms became my best friend. Who would have thought that a friendship between a young woman and a seven year old can indeed exist? Despite of the warning of his parents, Brahmsy was the easiest to handle of all the children I had experience with. He was the happiest when we sat in the study room for hours, listening to music and reading books. Although he didn’t enjoy much talking, he was keen to listen to the stories about different countries and cultures of Earth I’ve been so passionate about. He was the first and only one who has ever listened to me with honest interest and appreciated my dreams to travel to all those exotic places. His difficulty with history and geography faded in a week after I had taught him how to learn by creating imaginary stories about the topics._ **

**_On a rainy day when we had nothing to do, little Brahms opened up about his passions as well. Drawing. He told me that his parents forbade him to draw in the faith of art occupying his mind and energy from socializing with other children. So what did I do? I got him papers and rainbow pencils the next day. We needed to break some of the strict rules of Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire, didn’t we? Brahms was the happiest boy in the world and his parents never found out._ **

**_After becoming friends, I managed to convince Brahmsy to participate on the playdates without the ferocious tantrums he had usually thrown at his mummy and daddy. There was only one child his parents still had to force him to play with every single week. Emily Cribbs._ **

**_I could perfectly understand. Emily was two years older than Brahms, the kind of girl I would have avoided in school as well for her big mouth and bossy attitude. Possessing her parents’ obsession over reuniting the two families by a potential marriage made everything worse. I explained Brahms that no matter what this Emily girl or his parents tell him, he could be anyone who wants to be and marry the girl he chooses when he grows up. I mean, it’s 1990 and we live in a free country, right?_ **

**_Long story short, Mrs. Heelshire was pleased with me and I couldn’t have found a more advantageous first job._ **

**_It all went well until that rainy August Sunday afternoon when I met him, Tom Heelshire. He was Brahms’s uncle, Mr. Heelshire’s older brother. I knew he was trouble the moment he looked at me. I will never forget him hanging his soaked coat and sending me a playful smile as Mr. Heelshire mentioned how much they had talked about me to their relatives._ **

**_Although, I wasn’t interested for a long time. He was just a handsome rich man in his late thirties or early forties and the brother of my employer. Not to mention, he was a family man with a wife and a newborn._ **

**_His visit became more and more regular until one day he told me he would never give up and wouldn’t rest until I fall under his charm. His persistence got me. He was the first man who supported my dreams and encouraged me to be adventurous. I can’t believe what a fool I was for believing him and let him wrap his arms around me over and over again until he had me in the tightest grip a man had ever had. I didn’t know that he would have said anything I wanted to hear to make me fall for him. And I did fall for him…_ **

**_That’s how I had another scandalous lie to keep besides my secret nanny job._ **

**_Every week Tom visited to take care of “business related issues” in the area but after everyone had fallen asleep, he came to my room every night. When his wife was around, I would find excuses to leave the manor for a few hours and meet him in a hotel. Of course, he would pay the staff to stay quiet every single time._ **

**_Sometimes I felt guilty, especially when I held baby Maximilian. But I knew he would be fine, my father left us as well and we survived. My sister and I. My mother was always difficult and part of me still blamed her for the separation. Maybe that’s the reason I didn’t feel too bad for Tom’s wife._ **

**_Elsa is a sophisticated and pretty woman, she looked like the perfect wife for him. Although most days I didn’t feel guilty, jealousy was my well-known companion. Every time he held her hand or kissed her cheeks I felt this burning rage in my chest. That’s how I knew I fell in love with Tom. I fell in love with a man with a family, the brother of my employer._ **

**_On the other hand, I never wanted Tom to leave his wife for me. The excitement of a forbidden romance, the adrenalin of hiding in my room, all the lies I told… As if a dark spell left my mouth every time… It was magic, real dark magic. But I needed it, I craved more and enjoyed every moment. My jealousy was only a tiny spark of sorrow compare to the ecstasy I felt when this handsome, powerful man spent hours of his precious time in my bed instead of his wife’s. Being with him was playing with fire - I craved it, I craved the hot air an inch away from burning myself and Tom was just a plaything, the object to give the pleasure to me._ **

**_Don’t get me wrong, I loved Tom. I was in love with him, maybe a part of me still is. But it wasn’t the pure, true love like in fairy tales. I could see through him, I saw the monstrous creature behind the mask. At least that’s what I believed._ **

**_But I found out soon that there was one thing about him even I wasn’t smart enough to figure out in time._ **

**_It all started with a family dinner on a casual Saturday evening. It was a windstorm outside when Mrs. Heelshire started to complain about the occasional power loss in the house and the disadvantages of living in the middle of the woods._ **

**_“You are right, my darling.” Mr. Heelshire – Brahms’s daddy said. “But don’t forget how great it will be for our son one day. You know he’s not eager to be close to other people, having neighbors definitely wouldn’t do any good for him. Our Brahms will be a shy man, it is his best interest to grow old in this house, far from crowd and… distraction.”_ **

**_I tried not to roll my eyes. I was sure Mr. Heelshire wanted to say “people” instead of “distraction”. I hated that they saw Brahms as the odd, problematic child and refused to help him._ **

**_The oldest Heelshire interrupted his brother._ **

**_“Excuse me, Brother, I can’t help but to remark… As far as I remember, you didn’t want Brahms to stay here.” Tom said in a surprised voice. “I thought you wanted him to go to Cambridge or St. Andrews and marry the Cribbs girl. The Cribbs property is younger, it’s closer to important towns and more suitable for raising children.”_ **

**_“We would still be pleased if the children decided to unite our families when they’re older…” Mrs. Heelshire answered with a polite smile instead of her husband. “But we thought about the possibilities and realized that it would be the best for our Brahms to live his life here in this house due to his… peculiarity.”_ **

**_“Don’t you want to stay here forever with your future family, Brahms?” Mr. Heelshire asked Brahms but he only sent his father a sinister look, reminding him that he disliked getting involved in the grownups’ chitchat. I carefully stepped on the little boy’s foot under the cloth to stop disobey his father. I would have hated if he got punished again. Brahms winced with an almost unnoticeable motion and his bright green eyes met mine._ **

**_“Yes, Daddy.” He turned back to his father who was seemingly pleased with the answer._ **

**_Tom wasn’t on the other hand._ **

**_He was pale but his cheeks pink – looked like all the blood rushed into his face, his grip tightened around the glass as he gazed the younger Mr. Heelshire._ **

**_“Are you alright, my love?” Elsa asked, placing her fork on the table._ **

**_“Should I bring you a glass of water, Mr. Heelshire?” I asked Tom, ignoring the death stare I got from Elsa. By that time, she had already found out about our relationship._ **

**_But Tom didn’t want a glass of water, nor anything. He remained oddly quiet during the rest of the dinner and acted strange ever since then._ **

**_He became secretive and distant, but not only with me. Elsa came over one day to complain about how much he worked and started to go on secret meetings at odd times like eight in the evening. I knew she wanted to blame it on me, even if I hadn’t met Tom in weeks._ **

**_Elsa was confused but she wasn’t the only one. Another affair? Probably, we both thought the same, both blinded by jealousy. Ending our relationship because of his family was something I could understand and respect, but ending it for another – third – woman? No, that’s too much, how dares he?_ **

**_My entitled thinking didn’t allow me to see the truth. That Tom was keeping a much more horrible secret than cheating…_ **


	113. Tales of a Dead Girl Part II.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is guys, the second part of Jessica's diary. And the next chapter might come tomorrow! :D Enjoy.

**_To see the whole picture and find out the truth, you need to understand the enemy’s motives. Let me tell you a story about a monster, called Tom Heelshire._ **

**_Tom was the older brother and always felt that his parents loved his baby brother more. I know this because he told me. Surprisingly, he told me a lot about his childhood, I think he never thought I would be in his life for too long so it just simply didn’t matter if he told me._ **

**_He lived in the Heelshire manor with his whole family – parents and grandparents - until his grandfather and grandmother passed away. Ironically, they both died in the manor from natural causes, only two months separately. Tom’s father couldn’t stay with his grief in that house so he decided to move away with his family to Scotland. Tom was seven years old then, the same age as Brahms now. Mr. Heelshire - Brahms’ father – was born in Scotland the next year._ **

**_Due to the emotional stress, the mother’s pregnancy wasn’t easy, she had serious health problems so did the baby. Maybe that was the reason Tom got ignored and neglected a lot by his parents during growing up. He told me that he had always felt like a burden to his parents._ **

**_As a defense mechanism, he created this fantasy about an idealized childhood in the manor before his grandparents passed away and “pure” family heritage on the property. He always wished to move back but as he grew older, he more and more wished to move back alone, without his parents and brother._ **

**_He still desperately tried to prove himself to his father who always favored his younger son so Tom became the best student of the class and went to St. Andrews. During his first year, his father decided to move back to England, to the Heelshire manor for his old years. Although, Tom didn’t move back after his graduation, he was getting more and more obsessed with the idea of living there on his own. I know how childish it sounds, but the break in his development after the two deaths and neglect of his parents was too big to mentally grow into a healthy grownup man. His jealousy towards his brother is like a drug addiction for him._ **

**_So Tom created his own business and bought his own house. When his parents passed away as well, he made an agreement with his brother that he would leave the house and Tom can move in. But then a few months later Mrs. Heelshire happened. He met the woman of his dreams and told Tom that he’d changed his mind, he wanted stay in the house with his new wife and make a family._ **

**_Tom soon found a wife as well, Elsa. Both of the couples were struggling to have children for long years but as we know, his brother succeeded earlier again. For seven years even the existence of Brahms made Tom’s jealousy worse. His younger brother got everything he wanted, everything that in his mind was supposed to be his – living with a perfect family in the old Heelshire manor. Hit heritage._ **

**_Tom and Elsa fought a lot over not being able to have a baby and deep down I knew this was a major thing that led to our affair. Elsa had spent the last couple of years visiting Brahms, treating him as his own son what made Tom even more jealous and frustrated._ **

**_When finally, Maximilian was born it was too late for Tom. His obsession deepened so badly, there was no way back from there. Then at that family dinner it exploded and he lost it forever. His brother scamming him again about moving out of the house… It was too much for Tom’s disturbed mind and he made an unforgivable, dreadful decision which forces me write this letter._ **

****

**_So as we all learned from Elsa, Tom started to work a lot and had secret meetings at strange times, leaving us with the belief of having a second affair with a new lover._ **

**_My curiosity started to rise besides the jealousy I felt towards the other woman. How could he find someone better and more exciting so quickly? I wanted to see her with my own eyes._ **

**_First, I thought it was impossible and tried to tranquilize my burning curiosity, telling myself that his new lover must live close to their house, not in this boring small town. But then something unexpected happened…_ **

****

**_It was the last week of April, I was sitting in my window, smoking a cigarette. I don’t usually smoke but that night I just felt the desire of doing so and everyone was sleeping already anyway. I had a difficult day, I visited my sister which didn’t end well. Mary told me that she’d been worried about me, in her opinion my top secret job did not only force me to keep secrets from my family but also changed me for the worse. She was suspicious and I was desperate to talk to someone so I told her about Tom and our relationship. I didn’t mention who he was, only that he was a married man with a baby. Obviously, Mary and I had a huge fight. Not that it mattered, Tom had ended our relationship weeks before. There wasn’t much to talk about anymore, except the pain I felt every time Elsa complained about him disappearing for hours in the evening for “business meetings”._ **

**_On top of everything, the “other” Heelshires visited us again today. They appeared at the manor like a perfect family – mummy, daddy and the baby – and I had to fake a smile during dinner, watching them chat and laugh as if everything was alright. As if Elsa wasn’t sitting there on the same chair two days before, whining about her husband to Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire. Ridiculous._ **

**_So that night I was smoking in the open window when I saw Tom sneaking out of the house. He hurried in the direction of the main gate, taking small glimpses at the house to make sure no one was watching him._ **

**_But I was. And I didn’t hesitate. I snubbed out the cigarette and left the house to follow him. Tom didn’t go far but I went after him like a shadow between the trees, determined to see the face of his new lover._ **

**_Although, I had to realize very soon that I was the only woman in the woods that night. It wasn’t a secret lover who showed up to meet him. It was a man._ **

**_I had never seen that man before and I was sure he wasn’t from around here. His accent was different, giving some additional roughness to his bald head and sharp features. I found out his name from listening to their conversation. Andrei. But what came after, that exceeded my imagination and worst nightmares. I remember every word as it happened yesterday._ **

**_“When?” Andrei asked in his deep tone._ **

**_“Soon.” Tom answered but Andrei wasn’t satisfied with the answer. “I need to work out the details, we can’t rush such an important thing, my friend.”_ **

**_“Just tell me the exact time, I have other jobs to do.”_ **

**_“I understand.” Tom nodded._ **

**_“What do you want me to do with the bodies?”_ **

**_I thought I misunderstood the rough man’s question but there was no other way to interpret his words. Bodies? Are they talking about murdering someone?_ **

**_“Andrei, my dear friend…” Tom placed his hand on the man’s shoulder which he visibly found threatening, following it with his eyes. “The reason I hired you is because I know you are the best of the best in your job. I have no doubts you will have a creative solution for every problem we are facing. I trust you. Do as you wish.”_ **

**_“Sedating and a shot in the head. All of them.” Andrei summarized and I had to cover my mouth to suppress a scream as I listened to the horrifying conversation._ **

**_“Indeed. I don’t want them to suffer.” Tom agreed._ **

**_Andrei let out a sarcastic chuckle._ **

**_“I know it sounds… incontinent but I love my brother, Andrei.” Tom continued. “But I finally need to take what’s meant to be mine. What always has been mine. Despite of my warning he broke his word again. We had an agreement that the house will be mine after the boy’s studies but as usual, my dear brother didn’t keep his word. He wants my fool nephew to live a happily ever after in my house. My brother and his beloved wife… As arrogant as they always have been. They don’t leave me any other choice, I have to make them… disappear.”_ **

**_“The boy too?” Andrei asked in an emotionless voice and I started to feel sick in my stomach. They were talking about killing Brahms._ **

**_“I thought you’re the best…”_ **

**_“I am. But a child…?”_ **

**_“I believe you have done far worse things than that, my friend.” Tom insisted. “Besides, my nephew has… issues. Trust me when I say, you make him a favor for saving him from a life nothing but misery.”_ **

**_Andrei only nodded and was ready to leave until Tom stopped him._ **

**_“Oh and Andrei… Please, no blood on that cashmere carpet in the hall. That’s my favorite.” He added._ **

****

**_I can’t remember how I got back into my room that night. I felt sick and was in shock. Tom wanted to murder Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire and… Brahms. I felt the worst disappointment, devastation and disgust towards the man I had been loving for months._ **

**_I wanted to go to the police but what was I supposed to say? That my employer’s brother hired an assassin to kill them for keeping the house? The same man I had an affair with? Nobody would have believed me and I didn’t have proof. Everyone would have said that I was a hysterical jealous young nanny who would do anything to destroy her ex lover’s family for revenge._ **

**_But I thought maybe if I was able to show them the whole story - if they read it in my diary – then maybe they’d believe me._ **

**_The next day Tom asked me to meet him at our old, secret meeting point behind the property. I didn’t want to go, what if he’d seen me the previous night? But I knew I didn’t have any other options, I had to be brave and play dumb._ **

**_It turned out he had not seen me following him into the woods... He wanted me to leave the town for good. He wanted me to disappear. He gave me money in an envelope and a plane ticket to Asia. He said he didn’t want to hurt me and his wife anymore so it would be the best for everyone – I could make my dream about travelling come true and his wife would be happy again. But I knew the truth, I knew he wanted me out of the house as far as possible before his murderer friend puts a bullet in the Heelshires’ head. My Brahmsy’s head._ **

**_I can’t let that happen._ **

**_That’s why I gave the medallion to my sister with the key to my diary inside. A clear hint to find out the truth. I told Elsa to visit my sister and ask for the necklace. I couldn’t just give her the diary straight away because I need to disappear first. Otherwise, they’d never believe me. I hope she will talk to Mary and find the key, God I hope she will._ **

**_But just in case, I had to create another one, a second book to make it sure Tom never succeed. My “proof diary”, that’s what – whoever reading these lines at the moment – you’re holding in your hand. I will hide it under the rock at the end of the footpath, the spot Brahms and I visited every single Friday morning._ **

**_I’m going to see my little boy on his birthday to say goodbye and hope that even if I’m not with him, next Friday he’ll visit the dead end rock in the woods. I’ll tell him to look under. He’s smart. He’ll figure it out._ **

**_And you my dear reader, now you know the truth. Everything I know. I hope with all my heart that it’s not too late._ **

**_Act as your heart guides you._ **

**_Jessica_ **


	114. It Hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I promised, here's the next chapter guys. I hope you like it and these dark chapters overall. I'm planning to upload Chapter 115 on Sunday. :)

I always knew my brain was kinda… solution oriented so to speak, but seeing a clear vision of what I was supposed to do was pretty shocking. The most logical choice would’ve been to get Brahms out of the house, clean up the lair and passages inside the walls so no trace would ever lead to him surviving the fire. Then take the diary, go straight to the police station and tell a story to them how I was hiking in the woods when I found the dug up grave with a skeleton in it.

_No, that’d be too sketchy and what would you say if they ask where the diary came from?_

_Maybe… I should tell the police I found the diary in the attic or somewhere in my room… They would reopen Jessica’s case, question Mr. Heelshire and they might even find her body in the woods without me leading them there. Or maybe at the end Mr. Heelshire would confess all his sins…_

_That’s it. But I should discuss it with Aaron first. And what about Brahms’ memory? He knew exactly where Jessica was buried, he must have seen something or…_

Suddenly, I felt a rush of dizziness hitting my head and I had to hold onto a tree to stop myself from landing on the ground. My hand automatically slipped down my belly, making a caressing motion with my palm. I realized I hadn’t eaten since last evening.

“I’m sorry, baby.” I told the bump, feeling guilty about forgetting to feed ourselves. No matter what insane events I was in the middle of, Dani was supposed to be my number one priority and I didn’t even want to think of how bad things could end after the stress I’d lived through last night.

_Okay, calm the fuck down, Alison. You’re a goddamn criminologist. You were trained to deal with these kind of shit every day. Murderous psychopaths and bodies in the woods, it’s not your first time of investigating a murder case._

*

After forcing myself to eat a sandwich and hiding Jessica’s diary in my room I laid down on the sofa next to Brahms. I was stroking his dirty hair and face, waiting for him to wake up. When he finally opened his eyes, I could clearly see the phrases of comprehension about everything had happened last night wasn’t only a bad dream. It was real.

He looked at me with the most fragile look I’d ever seen on him, like a scared, little boy seeking an adult’s protection from monsters. He was still in shock.

“Would you like to take a shower?” I asked, not being able to bear the smell of the earth, dug up grave and dirt anymore. I was careful with my tone and tried to sound as gentle as possible but it didn’t matter. Instead of giving me an answer, Brahms started to weep, shedding tears down his muddy cheeks. Again, he reminded me of a child who was about to have a meltdown.

And I wasn’t far from the truth.

I dragged him upstairs and as we reached the bathroom he burst in tears. He was completely helpless, lost touch with the world again so I had to undress him and support him into the water. He hugged his knees while I washed him, using a plastic jug to pour warm water on his back and hair.

It was a devastating scene, my thirty-four year old man sobbing like a five year old, his shoulders shaking. His breakdown was different from last night though, he wasn’t dangerous at all. He was just… vulnerable, all those repressed emotions from his eighth birthday reached him at the same time. Everything he’d been carrying for so long. He let me brush the dirt from under his nails, still couldn’t stop sobbing and I knew I had to sedate him with those drugs one more time. _His nervous system needs more rest._

“Please don’t!” Brahms cried when the sponge reached his scars on his right cheek.

“I have to clean you…” I said and continued washing his scars.

“It hu-urts!” He stuttered between his tears. “It hurts.”

“It’s alright, it’s almost over.” I whispered him in a shaky voice when I realized he was reliving the whole trauma from that day, including burning his face in the attic. My heart broke for him but I couldn’t get my empathy get too far, I had to stay calm and capable of making logical decisions for all of our sake.

After Brahms had been clean and dressed, I seated him on the bathroom floor and took a thorough shower as well to be ready to put him to bed one more time.

*

“Yeah, that’s everything what happened.” I said to the black phone, sitting on the edge of my bed.

“What about Emily Cribbs?” Aaron asked from the other end of the line.

“I’ve no clue.”

“Did he mention anything about he saw? Did he mention that he actually saw his uncle kill Jessica?”

“No. I told you, Aaron… He completely lost it, I didn’t have the chance to ask him anything.” I answered in an impatient tone.

“Alright…” My policeman friend sighed. “Listen, I got stuck here in Healstone with this bloody case, I’ll be in the manor in a few hours. I’m leaving in ten minutes. Don’t go anywhere, wait for me and call me if anything happens.”

“Okay.”

“And Alison…” Aaron added. “He’s a fighter. He’ll be fine.”

*

It was almost noon when Brahms opened his eyes again and Aaron was right. He seemed fine, compare to how he’d been before.

“Hey.” I said to him, caressing his face.

Brahms didn’t answer, but sent me a tiny smile – or something resembling to a smile.

“Are you feeling better?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He said at last.

“We need to leave in a few hours. Whether for our train or to Aaron’s place. He’ll be here soon and we’ll figure out what to do.”

Brahms nodded.

“Did you find her diary?” He asked.

“Yeah.” I answered in a careful voice. “I went back into the woods to search for it.”

“Have you read it?”

I only nodded.

“What did she write?” Brahms asked.

“Brahms…” I started. I wasn’t convinced he was well enough to hear the terrible truth.

“Tell me.” He demanded. “I need to know.”

“It was a second diary Jessica made in case of your aunt not finding the original one.” I explained. “She… saw your uncle meeting that scary looking man we saw in the forest as well and…”

“And what?”

“He hired him to kill you and your parents.” I answered quickly.

Brahms seemed only a bit surprised and hurt when he heard about Mr. Heelshire’s plan. He didn’t expect much good from his uncle anymore.

“Why?” Brahms asked calmly.

“Because he wanted the house. He wanted to live here on his own. He believed it was his… heritage and right as being the older brother.”

Brahms’ eyes twitched but didn’t say anything.

“Do you think he still wants that?” I asked the most obvious assumption.

“Probably.”

“But he’s not dangerous for us, is he?” I raised my eyebrows high. “I mean, he knows that I’m leaving for good today and he believes you’re dead. He can keep the house, it’s all his.”

“I think so.” Brahms agreed. “But we need to leave as soon as Aaron arrives. I might…”

“What?” I asked after he’d bitten his tongue not to finish the sentence.

“If I see my uncle… I’ll kill him.” He blurted out.

I sighed, forcing myself not to say anything.

“I could have saved her, you know…” He added.

I looked at Brahms, my stomach making an uncomfortable turn.

“I might have not remembered what had happened to Jess but I did remember her visiting me and hinting me to look under the rock. I never went back to that rock again because I was so mad at her for leaving me… And later I thought she just made a joke or something. I… I’ll never forgive myself, Alison. ”

“You were sick for weeks because of your burnt wound and your parents were hiding you inside the walls, Brahms… And finding that diary later wouldn’t have brought Jessica back. It happened too fast, you couldn’t have saved her.” I argued.

“Anyway…” Brahms closed our talk and attempted to get up from the bed but I stopped him. We had to clean up his liar for sure but first, I needed to hear his side of the story. I wanted to hear his memory.

“Wait.” I said, gently grabbing his arm. “Tell me what happened in the woods exactly. With Jessica, your uncle and Emily.”


	115. My Worst Memory - Brahms' POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here. The long waited memory of Brahms. I wrote it in his eight year old self's POV. That's why it's a little messy and his thinking/decisions might not make sense for us. He was a child. An already disturbed child. It wasn't easy to write this and imagine myself in an already complicated eight year old's mind - what he must think about death and murder. But here it is. :)
> 
> Next chapter comes tomorrow or on Wednesday.

BRAHMS' POV:

 

_For a short moment I believe I heard Emily’s scream but no, it wasn’t her. The blonde is standing in front of me, her eyes are huge but she’s silent. When her gaze meet mine, I notice she’s just as confused as I am. The burning rage I feel towards her slowly shifts into fear._

_“Was it a scream?” She asks._

_Despite of the fear, I hate her so much I don’t even want to answer her question. Of course it was a scream, what else would have it been?_

_“You heard it too Brahms, didn’t you?”_

_I only nod and look around but only see trees and bushes. I start to feel anxious. The scream was real and someone could be in trouble._

_“It was a woman, wasn’t it?”_

_“I think so.” I answer the question this time._

_“Do you think it’s the Tree Monster?” Emily asks._

_“The Tree Monster isn’t real.” I roll my eyes but deep down I feel scared as well. What if it_ is _real after all?_

_“Did you hear it?” She asks again, her voice terrified._

_I did hear it, someone shouting. Now I hear them again and they’re getting closer. People arguing._

_The next thing I know, Emily dragging me off the footpath, right behind a big cranberry bush. We hide just in time before the people approach our previous spot._

_“Let go of me, you bastard!”_

_I recognize Jess’s voice immediately._

_“Don’t you dare turning your back on me!”_

_I get an answer to my question when Uncle shouts back at Jessica. I don’t understand anything, why would they fight in the woods? Why are they so mad at each other?_

_“I’m not scared of you, Tom.” Jessica says but her voice betrays that she feels otherwise._

_“Oh, but you should be scared of me, dear. You must know by now what I’m capable of.” Uncle tells her and his threatening tone makes me shiver behind the bush. My hands form into fist and I catch Emily’s terrified eyes, she must be thinking the same as I’m thinking. Would my uncle really hurt Jess?_

_“I gave you everything you ever wanted. I gave you that ticket and money to travel as much as you wish… That’s how you show gratitude? Threatening me?” Uncle continued._

_“You’re sick, Tom.” Jessica cries desperately. “And soon everyone will know about your plan. I won’t let you murder them and get away with it. Your wife will be the first I make sure to know.”_

_“You wouldn’t do that.”_

_“I already did it.” Jessica responds. I wish they would stop fighting and go away but that’s not what happens next._

_“What did you do?” Uncle hisses._

_“Let go of me!”_

_Jessica’s scream made me start to cry a little but Emily presses her palm against my mouth so Uncle doesn’t hear us. I try to fight her in silence, I want her to take those hands off me so I make a last attempt to free myself but it’s pointless. She’s older and stronger than me._

_“You can’t help her.” Emily whispers in my ear and now I’m sure she’s crying as well. Our sobbing is oppressed by sounds of the struggling from the footpath. Then I hear coughing as if Jess is fighting for air. Why can’t she breathe? Uncle must be hurting her badly… I can’t believe this is happening and I still don’t understand anything._

_After a minute everything goes silent. For a while it feels like the whole woods became quiet but then I hear one of them make noises on the dry leaves. I feel Emily’s grip loosening around me and I use it to step on tiptoe behind the bush to see what’s happening on the footpath._

_“Brahms, no!” Emily whispers in desperation, trying to drag me down by my shirt but what I see makes me withdraw voluntarily. Uncle pulling Jess off the footpath, into the trees. She isn’t fighting him anymore, her body motionless like a ragdoll._

_I can’t hold back my cries anymore. Uncle stops. When his footsteps are getting louder, I know we’re in trouble. He heard me._

_A large hand reaches behind the bush, grabbing both me and the screaming Emily. We find ourselves facing Uncle._

_“Well, well, well…” He hums with a smile on his face._

_Emily tries to run but he grabs her shoulder._

_“What’s the rush?” Uncle asks, still holding Emily._

_“Why did you kill her?” She shouts at him and that’s the moment I see it. Jessica lying on the ground next to the footpath. I look up at Uncle but barely see his face through my tears. What has he done to her?_

_“Why-y?” I stutter._

_“And finally he speaks…” Uncle laughs which confuses me more. How can he laugh in such a situation? “You talk so rarely, Brahms that I almost forgot you can actually talk.”_

_I feel it. The sudden rage rising in me – that rare, devastating type of rage which I usually cannot control but this time I don’t even try to hold it back. I run towards Uncle and start to hit him with both of my fists wherever I reach. He easily stops me while laughing louder, now holding me with one arm and Emily with the other one._

_“Brahms, Brahms, Brahms…” He says. “We do not hit our family and as I remember I am your only uncle. Why would you try to hurt me when I would never do the same to you?”_

_I cry, can’t make any sense of what he’s saying._

_“Besides, what happened to Jessica… It wasn’t my fault.” He adds._

_“I just heard you hurt he-er.” I sniff._

_“I didn’t have any other choice, Brahms.” He explains and lets go of my arm so I flinch a few steps away from him. “You didn’t give me any other choice.”_

_“Wha-at?” I stammer._

_“What happened to Jessica… It’s on you, Brahms. It’s your fault. I just helped you.”_

_I want to tell him that he’s lying but the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I know Jessica wanted to leave me, she said it herself an hour ago. She came to say goodbye because she wanted to leave me forever. She didn’t say why so I must have done something bad to make her go away… I must have been a very bad boy._

_Uncle takes my hand and pulls me to Jessica. I cry that I don’t want to see her like this and try to cover my eyes but Uncle forces me to look at her._

_“This is your fault, Brahms. Look what you’ve done.”_

_Panic is the only thing I feel as I watch Jess’s lifeless body. Her black dress, her red hair and familiar face are the same but somehow I still can’t believe it’s her. Her light colored eyes open and seem even lighter now, glazed and staring into nothingness. The sight destroys me._

_I cry and start to blame myself. I have read about death in many stories but never understood what it really means. Probably I still don’t. People who die, they… can’t play anymore or meet their loved ones. We put them into the ground because they don’t feel anymore and can’t do things._

_I don’t feel guilt or anything else. Only fear. Fear of the sight of those scary, glazed eyes and fear of what Mummy and Daddy will do to me when they find out what I did. They loves Jessica._

_“It’s alright, Brahms. I can help you. You can trust me but you have to act as I say.” Uncle talks again and I nod in between my tears._

_He pins me around and I face the crying Emily._

_“She’s the only one who knows about what you’ve done. You have to silence her, Brahms.”_

_I don’t understand. Uncle takes off his suit coat and picks up a rock from the ground with the material covering his hand, then reaches it towards me._

_“Take it.” He demands so I accept the heavy stone._

_“What are y-you doing?!” Emily sobs and I’m not sure what I’m doing neither. I also don’t understand how holding a rock will help me._

_“This girl will run to her parents and tell them what a bad boy you have been. She will tell them what you did to the sweet, kind Jessica, the nanny your parents adore so much.”_

_My grip tightens around the rock as I look into Emily’s eyes. I feel the sharp edge cutting a small wound into my fingertip as anger start to build up in me towards her. Uncle stands behind me and gently pushes me closer to Emily as he whispers._

_“What would Mummy and Daddy do if she tells them what happened? That Jessica tried to leave because of you and ended up in such a tragic situation because of you… Hasn’t she get you into enough trouble already? It’s her who convinced Mummy and Daddy to forbid you to draw. Do you remember when Daddy hit you? He told me about it, Brahms, but I know it was_ her _fault. All the punishments, the humiliation… It’s all her fault.”_

_Her fault… Suddenly, I hear an ugly voice in my head. “Go to your Mummy because she’s the only one who would ever kiss you goodnight.” It feels like as if all the rage I’ve ever felt was because of Emily. Uncle’s right. It’s all Emily’s fault. She’s the most horrible person I’ve ever met and I want her to disappear… Forever. Her loud crying is only a distant noise as I can only sense my own anger nothing else._

_“Your life would be so much better if she disappeared. No more torment, no more punishments… Maybe… Mummy and Daddy will love you again if she disappears.”_

_Bump!_

_Emily falls down as I hit her. That was it? Did I silence her?_

_Uncle walks to her motionless body and touches her neck. A red paddle is spreading, her blood covering the leaves around her blonde head._

_“Good job, Brahms. Now, stay here and don’t move until I come back.” Uncle tells me._

_And again, I do as he says._

_*_

_I didn’t really think while he was away. It felt like the time stopped with me, Emily and Jessica in the woods. Either of them moved anymore._

_When Uncle comes back, I stand still at the exact same spot. He carries a shovel in his hand and takes Jessica in his arms._

_We walk a lot to reach a glade in the forest. “It’s a nice place for her to rest.” Uncle points at an old bole lying on the ground. “She would love it here, don’t you think Brahms?”_

_I don’t answer, I don’t feel like talking anymore. I watch Uncle dig a deep hole and bury Jess. When I start weeping again, he mumbles something about I should stop acting like a baby since I’m a big boy now with a dark secret._

_He wipes the sweat from his forehead with a tissue then throws the shovel behind a bush._

_“It’s okay, Brahms.” He tells me. “Your secret about Jessica will be safe with me forever. No one will ever find out. But you need to tell Mummy about Emily.”_

_“Why?” I ask._

_“Because she will know what to do with her, Brahms. You won’t be in a big trouble because of hitting Emily, I promise. We just need to hide you for a little while. Do you understand, Brahms?”_

_I nod._

_“Good boy. Now go back to the garden and find Mummy. Give her the rock and tell her you hit Emily because of all the mean things she said to you. I will take care of the rest.”_

_I look down at my hand. I realize that I carried the bloody rock with me to the glade and still holding it._

_“Run, Brahms!” Uncle urges me and I run. As Uncle said, Mummy will know what to do._


	116. Cat and Mouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter and it's full of action. :D Enjoy!

I was organizing some of Brahms’ books in his old room. The ones from his lair but we had to clean up the secret room so there wouldn’t be any trace leading back to him being alive. Since he had tons of books, we decided the best would be just stick them on every shelf in the manor and mix them up with the Heelshires’ library. We already got rid of kitchen tools, bed sheets and all the other stuff he had inside the walls – some of them ended up in the garbage, some packed in a bag we were going to take with us to Wales. Only a part of the books waited for us to hide them, Brahms was organizing downstairs in the study room and me upstairs.

During cleaning, my thoughts were occupied by Brahms’ memory he had shared with me a few hours ago. Everything he told me about that day, about Jessica, Emily and Mr. Heelshire… It still felt like a nightmare even if he really had go through it.

I tried to tell Brahms that it wasn’t his fault, his uncle was the only one to blame. Brahms was barely eight years old, he didn’t have enough conciseness to recognize the manipulation and the terrible consequences of his actions. He might have ended Emily Cribbs’s life but he still wasn’t the one to blame. His uncle convinced the child Brahms to hit Emily with a rock and made him watch how he buried Jessica. Then set him on fire. Mr. Heelshire committed three brutal murders on Brahms’ eighth birthday. Well, the third one failed. My Brahms is alive.

I pressed the last book in between the ones already standing on the shelf when I heard a bump coming from downstairs.

I believed Brahms had accidentally dropped something but I went to the hall to hear what was going on.

“Brahms?” I shouted down, holding onto the railing of the staircase. I didn’t get any answer so called his name again a little louder. All I got in return was complete silence. _Okay, this is weird, why is he so quiet? Did he go back into the walls?_

I slowly walked down the stairs to check on him but he was nowhere in the study room. I examined the book shelves – I recognized most of the pieces from the secret room. I made a sound of appreciation, Brahms did a great job mixing them with the others. _But where did he go?_

I walked back to the lobby when I had the odd feeling that I wasn’t alone. I got used to it thanks to Brahms but this was different. When he watched me I knew I was safe but this feeling… It rather gave me the chills, it was unpleasant and threatening.

My intuition didn’t mislead me this time neither. I heard someone step out from the hall behind me. When I turned around to face the person I had a terrible feeling who it was. And of course, I was right.

Mr. Heelshire was standing in front of me.

“Good afternoon, Alison.” He told me with a smirk between his wrinkles.

I didn’t say a word, I knew I was in big trouble. My mind was already searching for the nearest getaway option but as if he read my thoughts, he slowly moved towards the entrance door to block my way. I didn’t move.

“You know…” He started. “When I came back to my house, I believed you wouldn’t be here. I believed, you already left in the morning.”

I still stood there speechless.

“Correct me if I’m mistaken but I remember you intended to leave early in the morning.”

“I…” I stuttered.

“Excuse me, I can’t hear you.”

“I said late afternoon.” I told him clearly this time, regaining my voice.

“Oh…” Mr. Heelshire chuckled. “I must have misunderstood it over the phone then, my mistake.”

I stared at him, my knees shaking. I couldn’t decide if he was honest or just messing with me, but I got the answer when he talked again.

“Please, Alison…” He started in a kind voice which was worse than shouting. “Don’t think that I’m lying because I am really not… I traveled back, thinking to find an empty house. Not that I would have a problem with you still being here. No. You see, my problem is the shocking scene that welcomed me… I saw you chat to someone who eerily resembled to my brother in his younger years, except… This person had the ugliest burnt scars on his face.”

I tried to flinch but Mr. Heelshire was faster, he grabbed my arms from behind and pulled me to him in a tight grip.

“I didn’t want to believe my eyes but then you called him Brahms.” He let out a horrifying chuckle again as he talked. “So that was the shocking discovery I had to make today. That my dead nephew who burnt alive in the attic twenty-five years ago was standing here, talking, walking… How is that possible, Al…?”

Before he could’ve finished his question, my elbow managed to give him a strong punch, right in the stomach. He made a painful sound and loosened the grip around me. I freed myself and without hesitation ran up the stairs as fast as my muscles were able to push me.

I heard Mr. Heelshire curse and run after me as I opened the first secret opening behind a painting and climbed into the walls.

I knew I was running for my life but I didn’t know where. I was familiar with the passages after the months I’d spent there, although there weren’t many options to hide. The space was tight and the small bulbs made it impossible to be invisible in the corners. The only place I could think of was Brahms’ secret room. _There’s a phone there, I could call the police._

I panted as I moved quickly, determined to ignore the thoughts about what Mr. Heelshire must have done to Brahms.

I was somewhere on the second floor when I almost bumped into the monster who just entered the passage. I heard my own scream as I changed direction, desperately trying to get away from him.

“Stop running, Alison!” Mr. Heelshire shouted after me but I didn’t listen. The whole situation felt like a sick, twisted version of the cat and mouth game I used to play with my sister when we were little. This was real though, me, Alison the prey and Mr. Heelshire the predator.

For a second almost believed I could run away from him when a gunshot shook the whole passage. I threw myself to the wall and covered my head, screaming in fear as the bullet reached the ceiling somewhere over my head.

“Finally…” Mr. Heelshire sighed when I stopped, approaching me from behind.

I turned around, holding my arms over my body as a symbol of surrender when I saw him pointing the gun at me.

“Nah we can finally talk.” He mumbled, still aiming his weapon towards me.

“Let me go.” I said. The calmness of my voice surprised me, I wasn’t hysterical nor crying. I knew my only chance to survive was to stay cold and not breaking mentally.

“So the very interesting story of the previous nanny was true, wasn’t it?” Mr. Heelshire asked. “I have to say, Alison, I’m very impressed. A young woman misleading the police on her own… Spectacular... If the circumstances were different, I’m sure we could be friends.”

“I doubt that.” I answered calmly but on the inside feeling disgusted.

He reacted with a chuckle.

“So are you friends with my… miraculously resurrected nephew?” He asked in a sarcastic tone.

“Kinda…” I couldn’t hold back my impudent answer.

“I can’t believe my brother and his dear wife saved him from the fire and was hiding him for twenty-five years…” Mr. Heelshire said, his tone honestly impressed that his family managed to hide such a secret from him.

“They didn’t. Brahms saved himself.” I corrected him.

“Did he?” Mr. Heelshire raised his eyebrows. “I assume he escaped through one of these passages. I always thought that fireplace in my wife’s room was shady. Well… Now I know why An entry to the walls.”

I didn’t respond, nor did I break the eye contact.

“I’m just curious. Have you been here a lot?”

It took some time to realize he was talking about the passages. Not that I intended to answer.

Suddenly, Mr. Heelshire started to laugh in such a sinister tone that made me jump a little.

“You’re not saying you had some sort of… _relationship_ with him, are you? Alison, my dear Alison… This man was locked away for twenty-five years, he must be... Wild. Uncivilized.” Mr. Heelshire laughed with disbelief. “Unless that’s exactly what you like…”

I stayed silent again.

“And I thought you were nice girl. But it looks like you’re more like Jessica.”

The grin faded from his face.

“And you’ll also end up like her.” He added and moved the gun up to my forehead. That was the moment I started to panic. It wasn’t my life I was the most worried though, it wasn’t my life I would’ve done anything to save.

“Don’t kill me. I’m pregnant.” I told the monster, my voice shaking.

The wrinkles on Mr. Heelshire’s forehead deepened so much it was hard to read the emotions from his face. Not that he had any.

“Is it my nephew’s?” He asked, his voice reflecting pure shock.

“No.” I answered after a lifesaving idea had popped into my mind. “It’s your son’s. It’s Max’s baby.”

The old man didn’t remove the gun from my head but I saw the confusion in his ice-blue eyes.

“Congratulations. You’re gonna have a grandson in less than five months.”

Every single word hurt when I said it but I knew it was my only chance to live and I wanted to live for Dani, I wanted to save him no matter what. According to Jessica’s letter, Mr. Heelshire wanted the manor because he was obsessed with the idea of the Heelshire heritage and his bloodline. I knew he wouldn’t have had a problem murdering children but maybe if he believed it was his grandson…

“Does my son know?” Mr. Heelshire asked and I nodded.

“Go.” He pointed at the opening behind him with his head. I wasn’t sure what he was going to do to me and if he believed me or not but I did as he said.

 

We left the passage through the fireplace in Mrs. Heelshire’s bedroom. The old man hurried to the antique table and took the black phone, calling someone, meanwhile holding the gun towards my head the whole time.

“Hello, Maximilian.” He spoke into the phone.

My heart was beating in my throat when I realized what Mr. Heelshire was trying to do. He wanted to find out if my story was true.

“I don’t have much time, I have lot of tasks to execute this afternoon. But I found out something very interesting I would like to share with you.”

I couldn’t hear what Max said at the other end of the line but I was sure it was gonna be the end. _Mr. Heelshire’s gonna find out I lied to him. He’s gonna kill me. There’s no way out of this._

“I had the chance to speak a few words with Miss Heikki today and she told me something astonishing. She claimed that she’s carrying a child and that you, my son, already know about it.”

Max’s answer must’ve been short since Mr. Heelshire threw his question on him almost immediately.

“Don’t you think it is something I should know about?”

His tone was so threatening that for a moment I felt sorry for Max even if it was my head his father held a gun to.

“Why would I care?!” He asked Max, probably repeating his question to him. “I suggest you to meet me tomorrow so we can have a discussion about your loyalty towards your father. You know I don’t appreciate secrets… I need to go now… Have a wonderful evening.”

The uncle let out a long sigh after putting away the phone. He then turned to me.

“Alright, Alison.” He told me. “We should go down and take care of your… friend.”

“What did you do to him?” I asked, feeling sick in my stomach. I wanted to cry when I reminded myself that he could’ve easily killed Brahms already.

“He grew as big as his father, maybe even taller. I had to use chloroform to put him down. He must be awake now.”

And he was…

 

Panic almost overran me again when we walked into the billiard room – the billiard thrown to the wall now – and I saw Brahms chained up to the metal pillar next to the wall. He was struggling to free himself but the rope was strong enough to hold him.

He violently jerked his captured upper body with a growl when he saw me walking into the room with Mr. Heelshire holding the gun to my head.

“Hi, Brahms.” He told the struggling Brahms who didn’t greet him back for obvious reasons. “The last time I saw you, you were small and supposed to die. I locked you up in the attic and made sure there was such a big fire you would not escape.”

“Oh, I assume you told the whole story to Miss Heikki, didn’t you?” The old man turned to me but I had no idea what to say. He must’ve heard us talk about Brahms’ memory so it was pointless to deny I knew the truth.

“Let her go!” Brahms shouted at his uncle, his green eyes filled with rage, disgust and panic. “It’s me you want to kill, not her!”

“Aw…” Mr. Heelshire chuckled. “You love her, don’t you? Did you know that she’s pregnant with my son’s child?”

When our gaze met, I saw the shock in Brahms’ eyes. But it only lasted for no more than a second and I was sure he knew I only told it to his uncle to save the baby. _Our_ baby.

“Let her go.” Brahms repeated.

“I haven’t decided yet what to do with Miss Heikki, Brahms.” He mumbled. “But I do know she knows too much about my past, don’t you, Alison?”

I didn’t answer.

“So, the most obvious thing to do is to prove yourself to me.” The uncle said as he walked next to me.

“No. I won’t do it.” I protested when I realized what he wanted me to do, reaching the gun towards me. He wanted me to kill Brahms.

“Why not? He’s sick and I assume he never left the house. He doesn’t have a life, you would do him a favor. Besides, it’s your only chance to save yourself and your child, Alison. I will help you to aim in case of having some naughty thoughts about pointing the weapon at me instead of the one person who should die today. The one who should have died twenty-five years ago!”

“No…” I stammered, tears gathering in my eyes, my thoughts going wild to find the way I could point the gun at the monster anyway when we were interrupted.

“Drop the gun!”

It was Aaron. Almost like he appeared from nowhere, he entered the room with his own weapon, holding it to the uncle.

Mr. Heelshire reacted fast though. I felt him grabbing and pulling me to him in less than a second, pressing the gun against the temple of my head.

“Put your weapon on the floor or the girl dies.”

I saw Aaron hesitate but he did as Mr. Heelshire said and slowly placed his gun down. He knew there wasn’t anything else to do.

“Walk here.” The uncle said to Aaron and they switched places.

The police man was standing next to me, Brahms kneeing on floor around six feet away from us. Mr. Heelshire let out a long sigh again.

“You could have all just left in the morning. But you didn’t. You were too slow and you all have to die for your mistake.” He said to us.


	117. Gunshot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I'd like to say thank you for all the kudos and everything, it means the world for me when I feel like I lose motivation to finish this story. I just look at the kudos, read through the comments again and feel inspired in a minute. Sometimes I can't believe I still receive kudos, seriously, when I started writing I imagined I'd never reach a hundred. Thank you guys for the support! <3
> 
> So this chapter is one of the most important ones, connecting all the dots together. Except, the last small mystery that you're gonna find out in the upcoming chapters.
> 
> !!!!!!! I know you're gonna hate me forever because of this cliffhanger but the next upload is coming very-very soon, I promise. :) !!!!!!!!!

After Aaron’s attempt to save the day had clearly failed and the monster cornered all three of us with his gun, I knew my lie about the pregnancy crashed as well. It wouldn’t matter to him if I was carrying his grandchild or not, he was going to kill us all, one by one.

With this knowledge, I only wanted one thing. Answers…

“I thought you loved her.” I remarked, my voice filled with revulsion.

Mr. Heelshire looked at me with his eyebrows high.

“Jessica?” He chuckled. “I believe I was highly generous with her, don’t you think, Alison? I offered her the future she always desired but playing the hero was more of her priority. She was nosy and weak. How could I love a weak woman?”

“Did you plan the whole thing?” I asked again. “Convincing Brahms to hit Emily and then his parents to get rid of him?”

“It was more like a snatch at the opportunity sort of thing when I found those two hiding behind the bush.” The uncle explained and I couldn’t help but to notice that he almost seemed proud of his sins. “I, of course, knew how angry Brahms felt at the blonde already so I only used his rage to get what I wanted. It was so easy.”

I clenched my eyes from frustration. As I listened to this psychopath talking, I realized how much sense it made and it was hard to believe we didn’t figure it out sooner. I hated myself for not being smart enough to find out his wicked plan.

“How did you know his parents would agree on killing Brahms so easily?” Aaron interrupted my devastated thoughts, having a few questions for Mr. Heelshire on his own as well.

“Actually, I didn’t.” The monster chuckled. “But I had a feeling they would with a tiny little push. I knew they wouldn’t send him away to a mental institute because they were too scared of the shame and people talking. No offense, Brahms, but you already was a burden to them, a difficulty. Your mother also started to, well… fear you. You spent most of the time alone in silence and she never knew what was in your head. Their fear became stronger than the guilt after you had crushed the innocent girl’s skull.”

Instead of giving his uncle the verbal attack he possibly waited for, Brahms stayed quiet and made an unsuccessful attempt to free himself from the ropes one more time.

“What happened after the fire?” I continued interviewing the devil. At that point I knew it was pointless to gain more time, there was clearly no one who could save us. A voice in my head argued to stop asking questions - _who cares about the twisted thoughts in this psycho’s head anymore? He’s gonna kill us anyway, let’s get over with it and the misery will be over at last._

Mr. Heelshire seemingly enjoyed the situation – him in the center of attention, having all the power over his trapped prays.

“My brother called the police and told them that we had found little Emily’s body in the woods but of course did not know what happened to her. It was an enormous chaos when the police cars arrived. The attic on fire, a dead girl in the woods… Then the girl’s parents arrived as well and everyone was shocked, hysterical… It was the perfect time for me to sneak up to my beloved Jessica’s room and search for her diary which I knew she’d been writing every single day. I wasn’t mistaken, the fool wrote down every tiny detail about me and hid the book under her mattress, hoping my wife would find it.”

Mr. Heelshire let out a long, loud chuckle again which made both Brahms and Aaron wince but not me. I was hit by the realization about something that had been bothering me ever since we’d seen the aunt turning my room upside down to find the diary.

“You placed that page under my bed, didn’t you?” I threw my allegations on the killer, silencing his evil laugh in a second. “It wasn’t Jessica, it was you. You ripped that page out. The page about your wife and Jessica fighting… Then put it back under the bed in case Mrs. Heelshire would ever search for the diary herself. You thought she’d find the page and believe Jessica wanted to frame her so she’d stop investigating her disappearance.”

“What can I say, Alison, I’m a careful man...” He answered in a played, modest tone that made me even sicker in the stomach than I already felt. “Although, as it turned out, my wife had to be delivered into a mental asylum after the tragic loss of her nephew. So searching for that silly little diary was the least of her concern to be fair. So I destroyed the book, my wife was hospitalized and everyone who could know about my true intentions was dead.”

“Good for you.” I murmured, fighting against being sick.

“Not quite…” Mr. Heelshire replied, the joy from his voice faded. “It would have been too suspicious if my brother and sister-in-law magically died or disappeared after everything had happened on the property. People were still upset after the investigations – Emily Cribbs and Brahms Heelshire dead, Jessica Holt missing… I couldn’t get along with my plan to obtain what belonged to me.”

“Why wait for twenty-five years?” I asked.

“I thought you were smart enough to know, Alison. I kept myself occupied with my business and sometimes truly believed my life was satisfying enough without my heritage. Until fortune finally showed mercy on me and my brother and his wife suddenly… got out of the picture.”

“The Heelshires committed suicide, man!” Aaron spat, his voice so desperate I’d never heard him like this before. “The house is yours now with everything in it. I get that you don’t trust me because I’m a policeman but why don’t you let these two go? They could disappear and you’d never hear from them ever again. You can keep the bloody house, nobody cares.”

Mr. Heelshire’s ice-blue gaze moved to Aaron, sparkling with rage.

“Have you ever heard of the law of inheritance, Mr. Vardy?” The uncle asked sarcastically, his teeth gritted.

“I don’t understand.” I interrupted. “Brahms is legally dead, he can’t inherit the house.”

“You underestimate the wit of my brother, Miss Heikki and so did I. They would have done anything so no one else moves into the manor and now I know why. They didn’t want anyone to find out about their little secret inside the walls.” Mr. Heelshire sent a death stare to Brahms and brandished the gun in the air which made all my muscles tense. “My brother left a will to protect his precious son.”

 _What? Brahms’ parents left a will?_ I saw the confusion on Aaron’s face and Brahms looked just as surprised.

“That’s right.” Mr. Heelshire continued, his head red from anger. “When I thought I finally got everything, I received a letter from court. They had strong reasons to believe my brother left a will and I cannot claim rights on the house until the will is found and executed.”

“So there was a lost will…” I summarized.

“Nobody knew where to find it but I knew a person who could have had some very good ideas.”

“Mr. Nelson…” Aaron noted as if he just enlightened about every missing piece of the story we could never find.

“Our dear friend, Phillip Nelson.” Mr. Heelshire nodded, his voice reflecting anger and… _Jealousy?_ “He was my brother’s lawyer and the only person he truly trusted.”

I recalled the newspaper Brahms had showed me right after my return to the Heelshire manor from Finland. Mr. Nelson committed suicide as well, shot himself in the head in his house. I also recalled Brahms’ aunt sharing her fear with me that her husband might have something to do with Mr. Nelson’s death.

“Did you kill him too?” I asked, my voice shaking.

Mr. Heelshire looked at me, the expression on his wrinkled features constantly switching between anger and excitement of the attention he received from us.

“There’s one thing everyone knew about Phillip Nelson. He passionately loved drinking. So I visited him that evening with a bottle of scotch. After a few glasses he opened up about the will but when I asked where it was, he only said it was in a safe place. I offered him anything you could imagine to destroy the will but unfortunately, he was too loyal to my brother. He was planning to send it to the judge so I had to kill him. I shot him with his own gun. He was a drunk so everyone believed it was a suicide. Everyone, except his daughters but they failed to prove the opposite as well.”

I exchanged a painful look with Brahms. We genuinely believed Mr. Nelson rather chose to kill himself than helping us, meanwhile he was shot to death by Mr. Heelshire. Because the man did want to help Brahms. I felt tears gathering in my eyes.

“So you’re still searching for the will…?” I asked, wiping my tears with the back of my hand.

“Why did you think I sent you home for months and organized a fancy party, Miss Heikki?” The uncle asked back. “I invited all my brother’s friends to find out if any of them had information about the will. But I was unlucky. Nobody heard anything about it.”

“You wanted me out of the house so I wouldn’t find out about the crimes you committed, didn’t you?” I asked between my tears. I felt completely defeated. I failed to unveil his plan despite I had the clues all along, they were right in front of my eyes the whole time. I failed badly and me, Brahms and Aaron, we’re all gonna pay with our lives for it. And my baby who never even got the chance to be born.

“You can still let them go.” Aaron said out of the sudden, his voice still hadn’t lose the confidence. “Nobody knows about the will, there’s a great chance it’ll never turn up, ever. Brahms and Alison will leave and after a few more months you can inherit the house.”

As if Aaron put the filthiest curse on him, Mr. Heelshire cornered the policeman and pressed the weapon against his neck. I suppressed a scream but Aaron stayed calm, lifting his hand up to surrender.

“No, I cannot inherit the house!” The old man shouted at Aaron, articulating as if he was talking to someone with difficulties understanding his language. “Didn’t you listen to what I just said?! They - both - need - to - die.”

Mr. Heelshire let Aaron go and then withdrew a step or two, moving the gun on all three of us alternately.

“Story time’s over, children.” He pronounced and I knew what that meant. It was the end. The end of everything. “Tell me who wants to die first… Wait, let me choose instead.”

“No!” I cried as the monster walked closer to Brahms and pointed the gun at his forehead.

I saw between my tears that Brahms had already stopped fighting against the rope he was tied up with. He was kneeing in front of his uncle and when he looked up at him, his green eyes were filled with surrender. The eyes I loved so much. No, he can’t die, it can’t be happening.

I screamed ‘no’ again as loud as my throat could handle and tried to jump in between them but Aaron held me so tight I couldn’t free myself no matter how badly I kicked and squirmed.

“You were meant to be dead twenty-five years ago, Brahms.” Mr. Heelshire told Brahms, leaving only an inch between the weapon and his forehead.

“I know.” Brahms responded, his voice almost calm. “Just let them go, please. I’ve never asked anything from you. I’m fine with dying but let _them_ live. Please.”

The devil sent him a half smile that was darker than the black sky.

“Sorry, son. Not taking any requests.”

Then my screaming was broken by a gunshot.


	118. Brahms’ Lullaby – Brahms’ POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. I know that the last cliffhanger was a bit (or very?) traumatizing so I didn't want to leave you guys without the next part for more than two days. I'm not THAT mean, haha.
> 
> So this is a chapter I'd been fantasizing about writing for a while... First, I was very anxious you’d find it silly and cheesy or hard to place into what's really happening in the story right now, but somehow I feel like it's a very important one for Brahms, this is the moment when he truly grows up. If you don’t like it, that's totally fine but I love this chapter, I had so much fun writing it and not gonna lie... I enjoy sharing my real ideas/thoughts/ideologies in a dramatic way, hiding them into my stories. But that's the point of writing at the first place, isn't is? ;)

BRAHMS' POV:

When Uncle held the gun on me, I didn’t mind it. I naively still hoped if I die first, Alison and Aaron could figure out how to survive. _Maybe when I fall on the floor, Aaron can put my uncle down and save her. Then they can both survive._

I felt heartache that I was going to miss out a lot. Becoming a family, growing old with my Alison… It hurt so much that this bastard was going to take that all away from me but then I thought about how strong Alison really was.

_She will survive. She can raise the baby on her own and she will do a wonderful job without me. She doesn’t need me, they don’t need me. She will be sad for a very long time for sure, but she has her friends and the baby will keep her mind off me. Slowly she will recover and realize she can do this alone. Yes, it has to be like that. She will be enough to raise Dani. I don’t matter that much so I’m the perfect sacrifice._

When I was facing the gun, I didn’t mind at all to die for them.

But when I closed my eyes for the last time, something incredibly strange happened. It felt like my mind was sucked out of the billiard room, out of the building and landed somewhere else. It all happened in less than a second. When I opened my eyes again, I could have sworn the time completely stopped around me.

The first thing I felt was the pleasant warmth the blinding sunlight caused on my skin in the fresh, open air.

I looked around. I was standing in the middle of a large, green area – a garden or field. The sky was blue with a few white, fluffy clouds, the grass soft under my feet and everywhere I could see. Twittering birds and a chorus of cicadas filled the fascinating view with a comforting melody so kind to my ears. From the distant, I could also hear sheep bleat and other noises of the nature.

_Yes, I must be in some sort of a garden. Or a farm maybe?_

A pretty cottage style house stood in the distance, covered by the soft curves of hills and short mountains. The view was so beautiful and peaceful, a part of me wanted to stay there forever. _Did I die? Am I in Heaven?_

I quietly laughed at the silly idea. Even if I died, I wouldn’t end up in Heaven. _Only the best people go there and I probably wasn’t as good as I could’ve been._ I shook off the thought and decided to walk to the house to see if anyone was there.

Before I could’ve made the first step, I heard a new sound echo from the horizon. It was a distant but joyful laughter of a child. I tried to see the source but for a moment I was blinded by the sharp sunshine.

When my vision cleared, I finally saw it. A baby toddling in the sunlight, laughing carelessly. I nictitated my eyelids, the light still not letting me see clearly. The tiny child figure slowly walked towards me, but… _Wait a second…_

It wasn’t a baby anymore, it was an older boy, getting taller and taller as he walked towards me. I didn’t want to believe my eyes. It seemed like the child just grew up in front of me in a few seconds. _How is it possible…?_

When he finally stepped out of the sunlight, he was a grownup man around my age. But that wasn’t the most shocking thing. No. The fact that absolutely left me speechless was that the man looked exactly like me… Not that he looked like me… He _was_ me.

_What the hell is going on? Am I going to meet… myself?_

I had a few more seconds to examine the stranger while he was approaching me.

I took a glimpse at his clothes and couldn’t hold myself back from pulling a face. I would certainly never wear those clothes. White sneakers and dark blue jeans, way tighter than I preferred.

The “other me” didn’t stop until he was only two feet away from me. He was the same height and had the same features as I had. His curly, dark hair looked the same as mine, only a bit shorter. When he carefully smiled at me, I even recognized those dimples near the corner of his mouth, Alison praised endlessly when I smiled at her.

Then I realized the most obvious difference between us. The scars. This guy didn’t have them. Only a few pale freckles covered his nose and unharmed cheeks. But no scars. _He wasn’t burnt so he can’t be me, can he?_ Then I noticed something else. His eyes were much closer to a bluish shade than mine and were round just like… _Alison’s_.

The stranger didn’t only look like me, he also looked like Alison.

He then started to talk, his voice and accent very similar to mine as well. Although, it wasn’t the way he talked that stuck with me. It was the words he spoke.

“I know you always wanted a girl. A girl who looks like her. But she told me you were so happy when you held your little boy for the first time.”

I stared at the man. _It can’t be…_

“Daniel?” I asked in a tone filled with disbelief.

His face was so calm and confident, I could have described his whole presence with one word… Peaceful. When he nodded, I noticed something in his eyes though, a hint of vulnerability or fragility… As if he was waiting for me to give him some kind of reassurance or support.

When I remained silent, he spoke again.

“She told me you promised that you’d always protect me and be there for me, no matter what.”

I didn’t like what he said. The slight demanding undertone reminded me of myself. It sounded like he wanted me to feel attachment or… love but… I couldn’t. I didn’t understand how it was even possible to meet my grownup son who in reality wasn’t even born yet, and I just couldn’t feel it… I couldn’t feel the connection, I couldn’t feel anything. _And why would he scold me on promising Alison I would protect him? Didn’t I do the best I could to protect them both?_

“That’s exactly what I did.” I found my voice at last. “I protected you.”

“How? By giving up?” Daniel asked in a sarcastic tone and his blue eyes twitched the exact same way Alison’s did every time she tried to tease me. _At least I know where the wittiness comes from…_

“What do you mean giving up?” I asked back impatiently. _I could certainly imagine a more pleasant afterlife than arguing with my – let’s face it - imaginary grownup son._

“I didn’t have any other choices. He shot me in the head.” I added to prove my point.

Shock and confusion appeared in ghost Daniel’s eyes.

“Who shot you?” He asked.

“Uncle. I mean, your grand-uncle. He’s a very bad man.” I explained.

“Ah… I heard the stories.” Daniel said with a tiny smile. “But I’m not talking about that.”

“What did you mean when you said I’d given up then?” I asked, secretly hoping my actual son wouldn’t turn out to be like this guy here.

Daniel still didn’t finish scolding me though.

“Acting like a victim. Being the martyr. You try to tell yourself that we’d be fine without you, that I wouldn’t need you but it’s bullshit.” He responded.

At this point, I truly wished Alison had put this boy in the naughty corner more often.

Seeing my eyes narrow, his facial expression and tone took a more gentle hint.

“I need you, just like you needed _your_ dad. It’s not my fault he was never there for you, don’t punish me for that.” Daniel continued and I suddenly started to feel ashamed of myself. I wouldn’t want my child to feel this way. “I don’t want to grow up without you. I need you. I need my dad. I know that I don’t really say it anymore but… I love you.”

I must’ve made a very dumb face. His words shook me up like an ice-cold shower on a warm summer day. Painful but effective. I probably should have been there for them more. Maybe Alison wasn't as fine on her own as I imagined.

On the other hand, I still didn’t feel for this grownup version of Daniel, I didn’t have any emotions towards him. I still didn’t know what exactly he wanted from me in this strange vision or dream or whatever it was.

“You still don’t understand, do you?” Daniel sighed, seeing my senseless face.

After some hesitation I shook my head. Admitting my grownup son my cluelessness was definitely not my favorite thing to do. But Daniel only pulled that small smile at me which reminded me of Alison again.

“I show you how it could be.”

As he said those words, he reached to my face and placed his palm on my forehead with almost angelic grace.

As soon as his skin connected with mine, I saw it all. I saw everything. It was like a movie from random scenes playing in front of my eyes but… The scenes didn’t only feel like pieces of a fast movie that I watch on screen. They felt familiar. They felt like memories.

I saw Alison on a hospital bed.

A pair of large, blue eyes staring at me when I held the newborn for the first time. He was so tiny he could almost fit in my palms and stopped crying immediately as a nurse placed him in my arms. We kept staring at each other silently until he fell asleep and I knew my life changed forever.

I saw how I rocked him to sleep thousands of times or let him sleep on my chest because he felt safe there. His first smile. The chubby baby with cute dimples and dark curls which Alison never let the grandparents cut too short. All his tantrums and meltdowns which sometimes drove us both crazy. The sleepless nights and endless crying when he was sick. I saw his first, frustrated attempt to crawl and his very first steps.

I saw when I taught him how to play my favorite lullaby on the piano. When he wanted to sing lullabies with “Mummy” every single bed time. I saw when he played superhero on the playground and jumped from a slide, breaking his arm. How I stroked the crying Alison’s hair the whole night because she blamed herself for the injury and how I was the only one who was able to comfort her.

I saw the little entertainer make everyone laugh at every family event. He was the funniest child and no doubt got a notable amount of his mom’s sharpness. Sometimes shy but mostly bubbly. A little boy who loved animals, enjoyed sitting on the train with us and when Alison played with his curls.

I saw a very independent teenager and how we constantly had to remind each other with Alison that we raised him to be like a confident young man who's able to think on his own. I saw when he joined a music band, had a tattoo and bleached his hair platinum blonde but luckily, the phase only lasted for a few months. When he started to work at the age of sixteen so he can go to a theater school in London. When he decided to move to America and we had to let him go. How we trusted him and his decency and how proud we were of the person he became.

I saw him succeed and fail, his ups and downs, tears and joy, all the strengths and weaknesses he had. I saw his light and darkness, a whole human standing in front of me.

Daniel removed his palm from my forehead and looked even more vulnerable than before. With the same look a little boy would look at his parent who owns the power to raise him or crash him in a heartbeat. A heartbeat called life.

And that was the moment when I finally understood.

Guided by some strange instincts I had never felt before, I cupped my grownup son’s cheeks with both hands.

“You’re so… So smart… And strong… You’re gorgeous.” I told him, completely falling under the effect of the scenes he showed me.

Daniel’s cheeks rushed with blood and he sent me an embarrassed smile.

“Because you made me like this.” He said. “You see? You have the power of creation. That’s why you never gave up inside the walls. Because you believed in it, even if it was unconscious.”

“I always wanted a family and be there for them…” I mumbled, thinking about the wise words.

“It’s not really about creating a life biologically. It’s about helping the new life grow into whoever it meant to be. And embracing every step during the way. That’s what you and Mom did. You helped me to be who I am. Together. I’m not perfect, I’m just a human with flaws that really suck sometimes and tons of mistakes behind my back. But I’m brave, humble and decent.”

“That’s what your mother told you all the time, didn’t she? To be decent.” I smiled. I could easily see Alison teaching our son to be free but humble. To be a simple, decent man.

“That’s what both of you told me all the time.” Daniel nodded, his eyes sparkling with life. “That’s what I’ll teach my sons too when they are a bit older.”

“Your sons?” I asked with a frown. “Am I a… Grandfather?”

“Yes. Twin boys.” He chuckled. “Twins run in the family as we know…”

I smiled as well, although couldn’t recall anyone with twins in my family. Alison’s line, probably…

“She needs you.” Dani said in a gentle tone as if he knew I was thinking of Alison. “I need you too.”

I nodded and asked the most obvious question I could ask.

“What are you?”

“I’m the part of a potential future.” He answered.

“A potential future?” I frowned. I thought he’d simply tell me that I was dreaming or hallucinating.

“Well, you always have choices.” Daniel nodded. “You need to go back and make those choices.”

As he said so, the field around us started to become gloomy, then so did Daniel’s face.

“What’s happening?” I asked, the anxiety from the real world slowly returning in my chest.

“Don’t worry.” Daniel said, his smile was the only thing that had not faded. “You’ll know what to do.”

 

I felt the cold touch of the weapon on my forehead and when I heard the gunshot I would have done anything to live. I would have given anything I had to stand by the side of that wonderful woman and raise up the perfect little soul who chose us. When I heard the gunshot, I would’ve done anything to live.

For a very long, painful moment everything went silent, even Alison’s screams stopped.

I still held my eyelids clenched and waited for something to happen – whether the bullet ripping my brain apart or something similarly big. But nothing happened. My brain indeed felt like something teared it apart, although I was pretty sure if I was shot in the head, I wouldn’t have been in the condition of wondering. Then I realized that I still couldn’t hear anything, only a sharp, tingling sound echo in my ears from the gunshot.

I opened my eyes, expecting to face my uncle but it didn’t happen neither. I saw Alison instead, trying to free my hands from the ropes. There was Aaron behind her, talking to someone. The loss of my hearing didn’t let me understand the conversation but I saw his mouth move. He was talking to Auntie and the grocery girl. _Wait, what the hell are they doing here…? Why is Auntie holding the gun?_ Aaron walked towards me and crouched to check something in front of me.

I followed him with my eyes and I finally understood where Uncle was. He was lying on the floor motionlessly, a paddle of blood spreading under his shirt and painted the floor red.


	119. One Last Hour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Here's the new chapter, it took me forever to write it. I was sick and stuff but no, no more excuses. :D Only five chapters left, can you believe it? I have mixed feelings, happy but sad at the same time... :\

My first instinct was running to Brahms and ignoring the chaos in the room. I desperately tried to free his hands and finally, the roped gave up and loosened the grip around his wrists. He was free.

“He’s dead.” I heard Aaron’s voice from behind me and Mrs. Heelshire sniff.

I refused to turn around yet, I helped Brahms stand up and held his arm in a tight grasp. He seemed confused. We all were confused. When I heard the gunshot I thought that I lost him forever. I thought Mr. Heelshire shot him in the head and I couldn’t do anything to save him.

But what happened was completely different from the horror my brain had created. Brahms was still kneeing on the floor, his eye clenched. Meanwhile, his uncle fell down, dropping the weapon as a bullet from another gun hit his back. His ice-blue eyes widened from shock, his body collapsing as a marionette’s powerless body when its string was cut. He never moved again.

It took me a second or more to realize what had happened.

Mrs. Heelshire – the aunt of Brahms – was standing behind her husband’s body, still holding the gun in the air. And next to her there was… _Rose?_

“Are you okay?” I asked Brahms after pulling him up from the floor. He still seemed a little confused but his nods confirmed that his hearing was back.

“He’s dead.” Aaron repeated in a factual voice, looking up at me. Then he turned to Mrs. Heelshire who was crying silently, staring at his husband’s dead body. The old lady handed over the gun to Aaron without a word, relieved to get rid of the metal burden she’d been carrying for God knows how long.

“Brahms…”

Mrs. Heelshire dragged herself to Brahms and buried herself in her long lost nephew arms. I let go of his hand to offer it for our old savior. That was the moment I caught Rose’s eyes. The always cheerful, warm brown gaze stared at me with shock and disappointment in it. The eye contact was broken by me, I couldn’t handle the shame for all the lies I’d told her. _The kind, sweet Rose who never had a bad word for me…_ I couldn’t look into her eyes, fixating the floor instead until Aaron ended the unpleasant silence.

“I suggest that we all sit down.”

And so we did.

*

We sat on the sofa – Brahms in the middle embracing his aunt on one side and holding my hand on the other, Rose keeping her eyes our trio from the other couch. I still avoided looking at her but her gaze almost burned a hole into my hand that rested in Brahms’s. A long, concerned sigh filled the living room as Aaron placed the two guns on the coffee table and joined Rose.

Everyone’s gaze followed the two weapons and for a few long moments a heavy silence sank onto the room.

“We need to act fast. Whatever it is we’re gonna do.” Aaron warned all the participants.

“We have an hour. One and a half best case.” I added and the policeman nodded. The coroner will tell the estimated time of Mr. Heelshire’s death with around two hours accuracy. _If we ran out of that time, they’ll know we hesitated to call the police._

“I shot him.”

We all looked at Mrs. Heelshire as she spoke.

“I killed my husband and you children did nothing wrong. I take the responsibility on my own.”

“It was sort of a self-defense, wasn’t it?” Rose raised her tone in dismay. “Nobody’s guilty in anything. He almost shot all of you.”

I exchanged a look with both Aaron and Brahms since we knew our situation was way more twisted than that.

“It’s not that simple.” I shook my head, wondering how much Rose and Mrs. Heelshire knew. “What were you doing here anyway?”

“I want to know that too.” Aaron agreed and we didn’t realize how ungrateful we both sounded.

“Saving your lying arse, that’s what.” Rose threw a comeback at us.

 _Fair enough._ I watched Aaron pull his furious girlfriend to him, wrapping his arms around her in a comforting way. When he whispered a guilty apology to her, the level of my shame reached the ceiling. _It’s all on me. I should’ve been honest with Rose from the beginning._

“Your friend was worried about you, Alison.” Mrs. Heelshire spoke silently from the other shoulder or Brahms. “She called me on the phone and offered a visit in my house.”

“Mrs. Heelshire was very kind when I drove up to her.” Rose explained. “I told her how worried I was about Alison because she’d been acting weird and shut me out completely.”

The fact that Rose was talking about me in third person, as if I wasn’t even present hurt but I understood. She only talked to Aaron and Brahms – although she avoided to look at Brahms as well. On the other hand, Brahms did quite the opposite with her. He was staring at Rose with wide eyes, shamelessly examining every detail on her face – his usual reaction when a new person talked to him directly instead of the doll.

“What happened to you, Mrs. Heelshire?” I asked the aunt. “I wasn’t allowed to call you.”

“My husband kept me in the house after the doctors had released me from hospital - although, with full time supervision by a nurse. Tom wouldn’t let me use the phone. Maximilian bought me one last week.”

“I got the new number from Max.” Rose added as explanation.

I was furious with myself. If I knew that Mr. Heelshire held his wife hostage, I would’ve tried to convince Max to get me a visit, no matter what.

“Did you… did you remember…?” Brahms turned to his aunt in a weak voice as if he was still not quite sure whether the old lady acknowledged that he was real and not the product of her imagination.

“Brahms…” Mrs. Heelshire cupped Brahms’ scarred cheek in a gentle motion. “I could not think anything else than your face every minute I was awake since I had seen you. There were times of confusion but… deep down I knew what I saw was real. My sweet, sweet Brahms…”

“It’s alright, Mrs. Heelshire.” I mumbled to her, caressing Brahms’ hand to comfort him as well. “We’re all going to live thanks to you. And Rose…”

I took a glimpse at our other savior but she still had the same, sulky features.

“Why did you decide to come here? Why didn’t you just call me to check on Alison?” Aaron asked the blonde.

“Isn’t it obvious? Because I didn’t trust you, Aaron.” Rose answered with a bitter chuckle and I saw the pain in my officer friend’s eyes. He didn’t react though, he did the same as me – trying to take the scold as we both knew we deserved it. “I asked you so many times what was going on with Alison but you only said nothing special. Even when you sneaked out to talk to her every day. _My_ boyfriend and _my_ friend meeting secretly behind my back and I couldn’t do anything about it.”

“It’s nothing like that, Rose…” I tried to save ourselves from the accusation.

“Oh, I see that now.” She pointed at Brahms with his head. “Mrs. Heelshire told me about what she saw. She told me she believed that Brahms… that _you_ were alive and have been hiding in the house for decades.”

“That’s right. I’m very much alive.” Brahms nodded, looking Rose in the eyes what surprised me - I’d never seen him confronting like this anyone but me.

Rose sent him a “you don’t say” kind of look and I realized that a part of me was relieved. When my gaze met with Aaron’s, I was sure the policeman felt the same way. Mrs. Heelshire shooting his murderous husband dead and our betrayal shocked Rose so much, she was simply too angry to be scared of Brahms.

“Well…” Rose continued. “When Mrs. Heelshire told me what she saw, I knew immediately what was going on. That you two…” She made a confused chuckle as if she had a hard time believing what was right in front of her eyes. “Normally, I would’ve thought you were suffering from Stockholm syndrome, Alison, but… Every time I visited, you seemed so happy. Like you were in love. And Mrs. Heelshire agreed.”

My cheeks rushed with blood.

“But I didn’t understand what you, Aaron had to do with that. Why would you need to talk to Alison all the time? It made no sense and I knew something was off so we decided with Mrs. Heelshire to come and talk to Alison in person. And thank God we did.”

“Great timing…” I mumbled.

“Where did you get the gun, Mrs. Heelshire?” Aaron asked the old lady after some thinking.

“Phillip gave it to me and I hid it in my house.” She explained, tears coming down her weary cheeks. “He always knew that Tom was the crazy one, not me. I couldn’t let him hurt you too as he hurt Phillip.”

“You saved us, Auntie.” Brahms told the old lady in a soft tone.

“I want you to have a life, darling. After all those lonely years you must have been through…” She sniffed, squeezing his nephew’s arm. “I want you to live a happy life with this lovely girl and have a family on your own.”

Brahms sent me a meaningful look and I heard Aaron let out a tiny chuckle from the other sofa.

“Actually…” I smiled but stopped talking since I felt the urge to cry at the same time. _Damn hormones…_

“We’re having a baby.” Brahms finished my sentence, causing the room to go silent again. Even Mrs. Heelshire stopped sniffing.

“Are you pregnant?” Rose asked, her voice shocked.

“I am.” I nodded.

“We’ll have a son by Christmas.” Brahms added. There was cheerfulness in the way he said ‘son’ which made me the happiest person in that moment.

Mrs. Heelshire cried again but now from joy. She gave a hug both to Brahms and to me, whispering how she knew it the whole time. Rose remained in shock though, only sent a disappointed look to Aaron when she realized that her boyfriend knew already.

“I’m so worried.” The words suddenly slipped through my mouth, accompanied by some teardrops. I placed a hand on the small bump hidden by the oversized shirt I was wearing. “I try my best every day but all the stress… Everything we’ve been through lately… What if…”

“Don’t even think about that, darling.” Mrs. Heelshire interrupted me. “You will not lose the baby. Everything is going to be alright, you will see.”

“It’s just… So many horrible things happened and it’s still not over.” I blurted out. Brahms pulled me into his lap.

“You heard Auntie. Everything’s going to be alright.” He said, wiping the tears from my cheek. “I’ll take care of you, no matter what. I will always take care of you, love.”

My feminine side – with all the freaking pregnancy hormones – was ready to melt into Brahms’ muscles, hide from the world in his arms and just cry. I knew how pathetic I looked and how inappropriate the scene was since there were three other persons in the room. Not that it mattered in my self-pity.

“Put yourself together, Heikki!”

Aaron’s voice made me wince in Brahms’ lap.

“We need to focus.” He continued. “We need to tell Rose and Mrs. Heelshire what happened and have to come up with something. We have an hour. It’s in Daniel’s best interest too, you know that. You both know that.”

Brahms nodded and so did I. Aaron was right. We needed to keep going.

“I don’t understand…” Rose told Aaron with a frown. “Why can’t you just call your colleagues and tell them what happened?”

“They would search the house and find the secret passages eventually.” He answered.

“And…?” Rose asked.

“And they’d realize Greta’s story was true.” I explained.

“Oh…” Rose whispered with dismay, moving her brown gaze at Brahms.

“You know… Emily Cribbs and Cole…” I added carefully.

“Greta’s ex Cole?” She asked, already knew that the worst of her imagination must have happened in the Heelshire manor. “What did you do to his… body?”

“It’s in the woods.” Brahms answered in a dry tone. Both Mrs. Heelshire and Rose stared at him with shock in their eyes.

“They buried him. With Sandy Evans, Greta’s sister.” Aaron said.

“So… there’s a body in the woods?” Rose stammered.

“Two bodies.” The policeman answered.

“Jessica Holt.” I added.

Rose party opened her mouth from surprise while Mrs. Heelshire buried her face in her palm. We quickly exchanged a look with Brahms and Aaron. It was time to let the two women know about everything we’d been through. All the information we had. I took a deep breath and told them how I saved Brahms from the walls and how he saved me from myself.

*

“I don’t have it. I’m so sorry, darling.” Mrs. Heelshire wiped the tears from her wrinkles and sent her nephew a guilty look. Brahms smiled at her gently but I saw disappointment in his eyes. I expected the aunt’s words though. If she knew where the Heelshires’s will was, she would’ve told us sooner.

“So…” Rose sighed, ready to summarize everything we knew. “Mr. Heelshire was searching for the will Brahms’ parents had left. He wanted to destroy it so he can legally own the entire house.”

“Correct.” I nodded and the blonde continued.

“He arrived home earlier and heard you and Brahms talking about Brahms’ memory and how he recalled the death of Jessica and Emily. So he decided to murder both of you to get rid of the witnesses.”

I remained quiet for a while and so did the others. A thought still bothered me but Brahms suddenly broke the silence.

“They both need to die...” He said and we both stared at him. I needed some time to realize he repeated his uncle’s words when he pointed the gun at his head.

“He wanted to kill you not only for knowing about the crimes he’d committed.” Aaron frowned at Brahms. “He would’ve shot you both regardless of your memories or what you know.”

“Of course, Brahms is alive so he’s the inheritor if his parents named him in their will. He wanted to get rid of him.” Rose said the obvious impatiently.

“But something’s still not clear.” Aaron shook his head. “Why did he say they both needed to die? Why murder Alison too?”

“Maybe because he knew I tried to trick him about the baby.” I said. “He assumed it was Brahms’ child so he could be an inheritor too.”

“It’s not that simple, it’s not how it works.” Aaron disagreed.

“Okay, he was crazy – no offense Mrs. Heelshire -, probably he didn’t have to have any reasons to kill Alison or you or anyone else for that matter.” Rose said, getting visibly frustrated by the twisted story.

“We need to decide what to do.” Aaron nodded but Rose jumped from the sofa.

“I need to get a glass of water first.” She said and ran to the kitchen.

“I’ll go.” I told Aaron who wasn’t so keen to leave the two loaded guns unguarded.

 

“I know it’s a lot to take in.” I told the blonde as I poured some tap water in a glass.

Rose took small sips from her water but refused to talk to me.

“I’m so sorry, Rose. I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry for dragging Aaron into this mess.” I begged.

The blonde put the empty glass on the kitchen counter in a firm motion and finally looked at me. Her dark brown eyes were filled with disappointment.

“You need to understand...” I continued.

“Malcolm was my friend, Alison.” She interrupted me.

“I know…” I mumbled.

“I can’t forgive you. Nor Aaron.”

My heart broke but I also started to lose my patience. _Doesn’t she understand we were trying to protect her?_

“We’re literally accompanies in a murder case, Rose, don’t you get it? If we told you, you’d have become one as well.”

She shook her head as a protest.

“You’re pregnant, Alison.” She whispered and I understood what her main problem was.

“You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you. But how was I supposed to say it without telling you about Brahms and everything else?”

We both winced a little as someone cleared his throat to pay attention to him. Brahms was standing in the door.

“We need to discuss what to do.” He warned us in an emotionless tone.

I’d taken a guilty glimpse at Rose one more time before we both followed Brahms back to the living room.

 

“I can say it was only me.” Mrs. Heelshire insisted. “Tom caused me so much harm, I escaped from the nurse and shot him.”

“I drove her but left before and didn’t see anything. That’s a valid story.” Rose nodded.

“No. I won’t let you go to prison, Auntie.” Brahms raised the volume of his tone to protest.

“They can track my car, they’d know I was here anyway.” Aaron agreed.

“How about coming clean about everything?” Rose asked.

I heard a creaking sound coming from the lobby.

“Guys…” I said but no one listened to me.

“They’d arrest Brahms and Alison. And me as well.” Aaron shook his head. “Greta’s ex is buried in the woods and we all knew about it. We all lied to the police.”

“What about saying Cole attacked Brahms and he killed him for self-defense?” Rose suggested.

“They would ask Greta and… Malcolm.” Brahms sighed.

“Can’t we look for that will at least? It should be somewhere…”

“We don’t have time...”

I heard the sound one more time.

“Guys!” I ended their argument. They all payed attention to me at last. “There’s someone here.”

Everyone’s heart raced with the same fast rhythm for sure as we looked at the door. The footsteps were getting closer and I saw Aaron reach for his gun when a tall, blonde guy walked into the room. Maximilian Heelshire.

He rolled his gaze over each of us, his eyes stuck at Mrs. Heelshire.

“Mom?” He asked in a confused tone, then his gaze got caught upon Brahms. “What’s going on here?”


	120. The Heelshires' Will

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Chapter 120 is here, yaaay. Even if 4 chapters has still left, this is the last one in the present... It's so sad, feels like this is the end of the story, even if there will be a very long - 4 chapter long - resolution. Goodbye Heelshire manor and everything, Chapter 121 will come with a very long time jump. (But of course, I give you a cliffhanger anyway because I'm a bad person. :D :D)

“You’re all mad.” Max accused us after slowly collapsing into an armchair.

He went to see his father’s lifeless body and just returned from the billiard room. We explained him what happened and he’d been repeating how insane everything was ever since then.

“This is all madness.”

The odd thing was he didn’t seem devastated or overly emotional. No. Sadness covered his features but his grief didn’t look intense or unexpected. It looked resigned. Max Heelshire must have known for a long time that his father wasn’t a good man.

“Why is he still lying in there?” He asked us as if we’d done something terrible. “Why are you still here and not at the police station?”

“Because…” Aaron started but I interrupted him.

“There’s a lot you don’t know, Max.” I said.

The younger Heelshire rolled his blue gaze on me.

“I bet there is.” He said in a sarcastic voice.

I took a deep breath, not quite feeling ready to initiate another person into every detail of the horror. _Jessica, Emily, Brahms, Cole, Mr. Nelson…_

“You know what?” Max frowned. “Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”

“That’s probably for the best.” Aaron agreed.

“I know enough anyway. My father is… _was_ a murderer and I have a cousin who spent the past twenty-five years inside of the walls.”

During the last words, he looked at Brahms but moved his eyes away right away.

“Nice…” He continued, his tone turning into bitterness. “I have to be honest, the fact that everyone knew – even the policeman and the grocery girl, no offense – but nobody bothered to tell me is truly astonishing.”

Max looked at Mr. Heelshire.

“Isn’t it, Mother?” He asked.

“Max…” The old lady said. “I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s okay, Mom.” The blonde chuckled, didn’t even try to hide how hurt he’d been for probably a very long time now. “At last you have the son you always wanted. You always loved him more anyway.”

He pointed at Brahms, although it was obvious for all the participants he was talking about his cousin. And I felt for him, I felt for Max. What happened to Brahms twenty-five years ago drove Mrs. Heelshire insane and couldn’t be the mother to his son he would’ve deserved. He was mostly raised by a psycho.

Mrs. Heelshire mumbled something about how untrue those allegations were but we all knew it didn’t matter anymore. The damage was already done decades ago.

“Anyway.” Max shook his head in a slight motion. “I have something for you, Alison. That’s why I came here, I was hoping to find you. But first, you have to promise me I wouldn’t get involved in this mess. I want to leave and pretend I’ve never been here today. You have to promise. All of you.”

The awkward silence of the room turned into a thrilling silence with anticipation in the air. Everyone nodded one by one, taking an oath to give the youngest Heelshire the freedom he desired.

“You have my word.”

Max pulled a medium sized envelope out of his jacket’s internal pocket and handed it over me.

“What is this?” I asked, every eye in the room fixating the weary paper.

“It’s for Brahms and you.” Max explained and I recognized a hint of guilt on him. “Mr. Nelson gave it to me. He told me to do whatever I wanted but do not give it to my father in any circumstances. I didn’t want to give it to you because I didn’t think you deserved it but… You told me you were pregnant so… I changed my mind.”

“Is that…?” Aaron stuttered from surprise.

“The Heelshires’ will.” I nodded as I read the first sentence on the paper.

*

“Are you okay?” Aaron asked me while I chewed on my fingernails, my hands shaking.

“No!” I blurted out. “We don’t even know what that means.”

“Well, it’s obvious.” The policeman answered as he ran his eyes through the will one more time and quoted the text. “We give all our personal property to our son, Brahms. If he cannot be named as our legal heritor for any reason, we give our property to the woman he chose to have as his nanny.”

“You’re the official nanny of the Heelshires since Greta left, Alison.” Rose agreed.

“No. I don’t want it.” I protested.

“Of course you do.” Brahms told me in a demanding tone which reminded me of his old self.

“Brahms is right, Alison.” Rose took his side. “Your child will have a safe future, think about that.”

Her words made sense. I knew my friends were right. I had to accept the Heelshires’ wish for my child’s sake even if that meant I had to accept the blood and horrifying memories coming with the property as well.

I swallowed the lump.

“What now?” I asked.

“You have two choices.” Aaron summarized, his voice never been so serious. “Brahms can run away, at least for a while. I can get a fake ID for him, he can take that train to Wales and stay there until things settle. You keep quiet about Cole and everything as if Brahms never existed. They couldn’t do anything if they don’t find him. He can move back later and live like he used to… Inside the walls. But with you here with him.”

“Sounds sad but it makes the most sense.” I nodded. I knew the other option and even the thought gave me the chills. I wanted to protect Brahms, no matter what. Even if it meant we needed to separate for a while. I wanted him with me, with _us_ but I wanted him to be free more.

“What about the other option? To go to the police and come clean about everything.” Rose asked.

“Brahms killed a man, Rose. That ex-boyfriend of Greta was a jerk but it still counts as homicide, obviously. It wasn’t self-defense, Greta and Malcolm would say that.”

“Malcolm’s my friend.” Rose said. “I could fly to Montana and talk to them. Maybe if I explained everything they’d be on our side.”

“It’s too risky.” Aaron disagreed. “Worst case scenario, Alison goes to prison and Brahms to a mental institute for the criminally insane.”

“What would happen to the baby then?” Brahms asked.

“They’d ask his closest relatives if they wanted to have him.”

“Alison’s parents?” Rose asked and Aaron nodded.

“It’s your decision.” He sighed, looking at Brahms and me. “We support you whatever you choose but you have to decide now.”

I wanted to tell Brahms to go Wales. I wanted to tell him to go but as I caught his eyes, the words got stuck in my throat. _I can’t tell him what to do. After all those years hiding and living as a boy, it’s finally his moment to grow up. I can’t take away the choice from him to take responsibility as a man._

I took his hand in mine and stared into the green gaze.

“How will it be, Brahms? What will you choose?” I asked him.


	121. Eight Years Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. I'm back with a new upload. Only three chapters left. :O :((( In the next one you can read in details what exactly happened to our favorite couple but first let's take a look into their lives eight years later. This is how I imagined the end of the story from the very beginning and I can't believe I actually got to write it. <3 Now that I see it written down, I can't believe what I did to Brahms' character, haha. And also to Alison's. How did we end up here from screwdrivers and childish Brahms?? :D But I kinda like it... Anyway, have fun with it. :)

EIGHT YEARS LATER

 

“Eight years ago my whole life changed…” I typed on the computer in my lap. “Gosh, what a cliché…”

I quickly deleted the sentence.

“Come on, Alison, you can do this.” I cheered for myself to fill the empty document which had been staring at me for at least a week. It was time for me to finally come up with something. Something decent.

“My name is Alison Heikki, I’m a thirty-five year old Finnish woman. I live in a lovely small town in Wales...”

I sighed and pressed the delete button again. My eyes wondered around to seek inspiration in the room.

The early afternoon sunlight painted yellow stripes on the nursery’s light pink walls. I yawned, stretching my stiff muscles in the comfortable armchair when I felt a pressure on my left knee. A tiny hand tried to pull up a tiny body from the floor, using my knee as support.

“Hi, Amelia.” I smiled down at the chubby face and dark locks. “I know… Mommy’s boring, isn’t she?”

I placed the computer on the small shelf next to me along with my glasses I had to wear for reading.

“What a strong girl.” I babbled to the baby while she managed to pull herself up to standing position, still holding onto my knee. Her proud laughter didn’t last long though as another tiny hand grabbed at her rainbow striped onesie until Amelia landed on her bottom again. After the shock she let out a loud chuckle, watching the second dark haired baby pull Amelia’s hand in her own mouth.

“Hayley…” I laughed. “Your sister’s fingers are yummier than yours, huh?”

Hayley giggled back at me while sucking on Amelia’s fingers.

The babies were entertaining each other meanwhile I was just sitting there, my lips forming into a tired smile constantly at the sweet view. The unique locking sound of the entrance door interrupted the playtime, followed by a joyful scream.

“Mummy! Mummy, I’m home!”

A little boy entered the nursery, attracting the girls’ gaze onto him as he bypassed them, running to me for a hug.

“Hi, sweetheart. How was your walk?” I asked, brushing a dark curl away from Daniel’s face.

“It was awesome! We saw a jumping bunny in the woods!” He told me with childish excitement in his voice.

“Wow, a jumping bunny?” I chuckled. Daniel nodded enthusiastically when his father walked in the nursery. Tall and handsome as always.

“Hi.” He said, brushing a curl out of his eyes the same way I’d done it to his son a minute earlier.

“Hey.” I greeted him.

“How are my girls?” He asked, kissing the top of my head.

“We’re great. Missed our boys though.” I smiled up at Brahms. His bluish-green eyes twitched in a playful way when they locked with mine.

“Da-da!” The twins babbled loudly, trying to draw attention to them.

“Shouldn’t you two be sleeping?” Brahms picked up Amelia who tried to explain something very interesting to him in baby language. “Aha, I see.”

Hayley desperately tried to move from my arms to his father’s, craving his attention.

“What about you, Hayley? What are _your_ excuses for skipping naptime again?” Brahms asked, holding both of the babies. “Looks like someone needs some spanking.”

“Daddy!” Daniel scolded his dad for the joke and we grinned at each other how protective our oldest was of his baby sisters.

“Okay, watch this.” I said as reached under Daniel’s arms, picking up the almost eight year old as well.

“You guys got a strong mummy.” Brahms giggled and gently pressed his lips against mine.

“Eww, that’s disgusting!” Daniel covered his eyes, making us all laugh.

*

“Will we have a party for my birthday?” Dani asked us from under the covers during his bedtime.

“Of course we will.” I answered and kissed his forehead.

“Daddy…” He frowned as if he had a very important question in his head.

“Mm?” Hummed Brahms, sticking the storybook back to the shelf.

“Did you have a big party too when you turned eight?”

Brahms froze with his hand still on the spine of the book.

“Yes, I had.” He murmured quickly but Daniel didn’t let go. Brahms was his idol, he wanted to know about his daddy’s big day as well.

“How was your party? How was turning eight years old, Daddy?”

Brahms hesitated a bit. I sent him an encouraging look as he sat on the other edge of Daniel’s bed.

“A lot of… bad things happened to me that day, Dani.”

“What bad things?” Asked the almost eight year old.

“I saw some sad, horrible things. My uncle wasn’t a good man and… My parents didn’t love me as much as we love you, you know?” Brahms explained.

Daniel stared up at him with a serious face.

“Are they dead now?” He asked with childish innocence.

“Yes, they’re gone.” Brahms answered. “And they’re forgiven.”

Dani hesitated, hugging the yellow, worn-out toy duck tighter to his chest.

“Sometimes bad things happen for a reason. I was sad for a long time but I realized those bad things made me who I am today just as much as the good things. Besides, I never would’ve met your mummy if those bad things didn’t happen.”

“Did Mummy save you from those bad things?” Daniel asked.

Brahms looked at me to help him out.

“Well, I showed your dad the way but he saved himself. You always save yourself, love.” I told Daniel gently.

Settling with the answer, he made a big yawn, his blinks becoming longer and more frequent.

“See you in the morning.” I smiled at him as Brahms kissed him goodnight. “We love you very much.”

“I love you.” Daniel told us.

“Sleep tight.”

*

I held the soft towel around my body after placing the lotion back on the commode. The shower made wonders freshening me up but the bed still looked very tempting. Two strong arms wrapped themselves around my toweled body and soft lips brushed against my neck.

“Brahms…” I sighed. “I need to write.”

“I know.” He said but his actions said otherwise. He pinned me around to pull me to him for a deep, passionate kiss.

“I can’t wait for our holidays.” I sighed again.

“I know.” Brahms repeated. It didn’t seem like his patience were strong enough to hold until then.

“You know what?” I whispered playfully against his lips. “You let me write that synopsis and then… you can tell me all about those jumping bunnies.”

Brahms chuckled and kissed me again when a painful cry broke our moment. Then another one followed.

“I’ll go.” Brahms left a last kiss on my cheeks. “You finish your writing.”

“Thanks.” I sent him a grateful smile.

*

I put on my glasses and opened the still empty document.

“Let’s do this.” I told myself and started writing the words.


	122. Battle for Freedom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Sorry for the delay. Of course, I read your comments and appreciate them so much, even if I didn't reply. This chapter basically tells what happened during the last eight years and it's part of Alison's book. I'm gonna add more details about their life and other characters too. I don't know, maybe I should've finished the story with one chapter after the time jump but I personally enjoy longer closures and hey, this story was so long, I didn't want to just throw everything in one chapter. "And they had Dani and then twins and lived happily ever after, bye." Haha, nope. :D I want to write two more scenes (one is about Daniel's birthday and the last one about Brahms and Alison). Originally, I wanted them in two separate chapters and have 124 in the end, but I'm not sure anymore, they might be better together. In that case, the next one would be the very last chapter. I start writing today and will see how it feels more natural. But for sure, I'm going to finish the story this week. My birthday is on the weekend and I want to celebrate it with my first, complete fanfiction. It'll be my gift for myself. And of course, for everyone who's still following this story. :)

“Our battle for freedom was the second hardest fight in my life, - the hardest was the one I had to go through after losing my brother as a little girl.

On this exact same day, eight years and four months ago I was sitting on the largest sofa of the Heelshire house - with my friends and the love of my life surrounding me, four months pregnant, and the dead body of Tom Heelshire lying in the next room.

I knew we had to make the hardest but most important decision we could’ve imagined. I was very confident about what I wanted to do – I wanted to run away and hide with Brahms, and with the possibility of living a secret but peaceful life. I wanted Brahms to be safe, even if that meant I could never come clean about him to my family or anyone else. Ever.

But Brahms decided otherwise. He chose to end the lies and twisted secrets once and for all. He wanted to stop hiding and take responsibility for himself, me and our child. I knew it was his big moment to do the thing he believed was right so I didn’t argue him, accepting his wish with a nod.

Although, our friends assured us that they were going to be beside us no matter what the future would bring, facing the world wasn’t easy.

My dear friend, Rose drove to the airport from the house to fly to Montana. She went to see Malcom and Greta to tell them what happened before could have got an official letter from the court as witnesses in Cole’s murder case. Rose told them everything – from how I met Brahms to the horrifying things about his past and how we got out alive of the monster’s hands. Malcolm and Greta – who were expecting their first child around the same time we did – listened to Rose’s story and we couldn’t do anything else than to hope they wouldn’t speak against us.

Meanwhile Rose drove to the airport, Aaron drove us – Brahms, Mrs. Heelshire and me – to the police station. Walking in the building was the beginning of a giant chaos. The officers were shocked when Brahms admitted the murder of Cole and Emily. The confused policemen had no clue what to do so they let us all go with one condition. After Mr. Heelshire’s body was taken away, we were told not to leave the house until higher organs would get involved.

So we waited.

On the second day they started to search the woods and they found both Cole and Jessica’s body. On the third day Brahms got arrested and so did I, although I could stay in the Heelshire manor under house arrest since I was pregnant. I was alone in the house for two days, the two longest days of my life. Rose was in the US, Aaron got questioned by the police over and over again for days and Mrs. Heelshire was taken to a mental hospital.

It was time to call my parents.

I imagined speaking calmly and factually, keeping my cold blood during the call. Well, my plan obviously failed as I cried so much, I could barely talk. My parents and my sister got on the plain that night to fly to the UK.

I don’t know which part of my story shocked them the most – that they were going to be grandparents in a few months or that their daughter got arrested for accompanying a murder in a foreign country -, but my dad wanted to take me home, leaving all the “nonsense” behind. Mom agreed. It took them a few days to comprehend that police cars were watching the house and I had that thing around my ankle creating the most unbearable beeping noise the second I stepped out of the house.

When my parents finally accepted the situation, they had to face another obstacle. Their daughter was in love and nothing or no one could have taken her away from his man, even if she could walk away freely.

Brahms was delivered to a mental hospital for the criminally insane and I couldn’t say goodbye to him. By that time Rose arrived back from her mission in Montana and moved in to the Heelshire house with me. She didn’t leave my side for the next months.

During the previous seventeen years of my life I was always the one who took care of others and was there for my family and friends no matter what. This time though, the opposite happened – suddenly everyone was there for me. My family, Rose, Aaron, Barbara and even complete strangers contacted me to keep fighting. Oddly, I felt devastated and the luckiest person at the same time.

Brahms was allowed to talk to me on the phone only after three incredibly long weeks and we couldn’t see each other for three more months.

The next months were about lawyers and court appointments. The most bittersweet and ironic moment arrived when I received an official letter which claimed that from that day I was the Heelshire property’s one and only owner. Then the next day I received another letter that the heritage belonged to Brahms Heelshire who was officially a living, existing person again.

Our twisted but true story shook up the boring life of the town but soon the media got hooked from all over the world. Rose made an enormous effort to keep me away from the articles written about us since some were “bloody nasty” as she described.

There were some advantages of our sudden fame though. Doctors were competing with each other to examine Brahms - the boy who was raised in the walls - and that’s how one of the best doctors of the UK found us. He stayed by Brahms’ side and was determined to free him. He’s the one we can thank our freedom and the one who proved Brahms’ sanity to the world.

Another miracle was when Mr. Nelson’s daughters – both great lawyers - took our case to show gratitude for finding their father’s killer and clearing his name. Nobody believed anymore that Phillip Nelson was a coward, nor a sad alcoholic who shot himself in the head. The daughters promised us they wouldn’t rest until Brahms and I can raise our son together as free people.

It felt like miracle after miracle when Greta didn’t make her statement against Brahms. She made it in favor of him. I’ll never forget when she walked in the court room with a belly just as big as mine. We’d never talked to each other, I only recognized her from a picture. Our eyes met while she walked up to the podium and she told the judge that Brahms’ actions against Cole were caused by her call to Brahms, asking for his help to protect her from Cole. She said that Brahms still wouldn’t have hurt him until he got violent, dragging her arm and breaking the doll purposefully. The murder charges against Brahms were dismissed after he’d been found incompetent during the time of Cole’s death. At the same time, I was found guilty in misleading the police and hiding traces. For punishment, I could never work in law enforcement or as a criminologist ever again. Dad was devastated for a week that I had to “give back” my university degree after all the work I’d put into studying, but later he found peace with the situation. I was about to become a full time mom, besides, let’s be honest here… Investigating crimes and Alison Heikki is not the best pairing anyway. It was probably for the best.

Our next fight was for Brahms’ freedom, literally – he might have been free from the murder charges but we still had to prove he wasn’t a danger for himself or for others. I had our son, Daniel during the procedure, they let Brahms out to be there when the baby was born, although, he could hold him only with police supervision. This fight was an unpleasant one, we had to share every detail of our private life with the jury, even extremely intimate things. But it was all worth it, because we won. Brahms was officially a free man, after twenty-five years of wall imprisonment and half a year of psychiatric hospital. Dani was almost two months old but Brahms still couldn’t be with us without supervision. There was still one battle we had to win.

Luck was on our side though and our last fight was the quickest. It was won by the next court appointment when an Irish girl walked in with long, black hair and piercing blue eyes. She flew to the UK straight from Cork after hearing about Brahms’ story. Her name was Coleen and she was the final witness, telling a story about how she met Brahms and a toddler in the woods. That story was the reason the court decided that Brahms wasn’t a danger for Daniel and he was entirely capable of practicing full custody as his father.

Despite of their protest in the beginning, my parents accepted Brahms quickly. His sad past woke up my mom’s mother instinct and from the first day they’d met, she treated him like her own son. Neither admitted it, but there was something heartwarming in their relationship – my mother who lost a son too early, and Brahms who was starving to experience unconditional motherly love. And Dad? Well, his adoration for Dani was obvious from the first time he held him and he loved his son-in-law for creating the “most adorable grandchild in the world”. I’d never seen my dad like that, babbling to the baby all day long as if he was a happy child himself as well.

When Daniel was around six months old, we were ready to move on once and for all. We sold the Heelshire manor to a private entrepreneur who turned it into a hotel and restaurant. I heard, visitors were coming from all over the world to stay in one of the rooms and discover the passages in the walls – where the “Doll Man” grew up.

Brahms and I bought a small house in a Welsh village, far away from curious eyes and moved there - now as man and wife - to raise our baby. Soon, Rose and Aaron followed us.

I never thought after eight years of silence, I would be bringing our story into pages, but here I am. The past eight years were somehow the most boring, most ordinary part of my life, but still, I’ve been the happiest. My life was far from perfect and different from how I used to picture my future, but overall, I found what I had been looking for.

I found peace.”


	123. Finding You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, guys. The end, the last chapter. It took me forever to write it because I wanted it to be a "perfect" closure but then I realized it's impossible and just let go. Sorry for the spelling mistakes if I made some. I can't believe I finished the first long story of my life. Thank you so much everyone who ever read it, commented and/or left kudos. This story was a part of my everydays for the last one and a half years, writing it and reading your comments helped me through so many downs, you have no idea. I never would have imagined I'm capable of finishing a 123 chapter long story but here I am now. I couldn't have done it without my readers though. I know everyone has a real life outside of the fanfic world and obviously, not many people stuck with me from the beginning to the end but that's alright. I got an enthusiastic comment every time I needed one and I'm so grateful for every single one of you. I actually saved all of the comments into a folder. :D That's how much they meant to me. So thank you so much!
> 
> Goodbye Brahms, you're an awesome movie character. God bless every storyteller who brought "The Boy" to life on screen. No movie has ever made me this hooked.
> 
> I can't believe my first fanfic is done. It was a pleasure writing for this fandom. :) <3  
> Love you all.
> 
> AppleSpice

“Would you please slow down?” Brahms asked, watching me fold my favorite sweater and place it in the suitcase.

“We won’t have time to pack tomorrow. Birthday party number one’s today, number two tomorrow and holiday starts tomorrow evening, remember?” I asked back, reaching for a pair of jeans. “How about you helping me instead of slowing me down?”

“I think I’m doing enough.” Brahms mumbled. No doubt, we both were a little grumpy. Brahms was sitting on our bed, playing with the twins, but guarding them would have been a more accurate expression.

“No, Hayley! You’re going to fall.”

Hayley, the naughtier twin, started whining in a high-pitched tone when Brahms pulled her back from the edge of the bed. Getting upset with her father – how dares he hold her back from discovering the world anyway -, threw her head back in the large, protective arms around her tiny body and made a not so tiny scream from frustration. Watching her sister’s head turn to red, Amelia – who was peacefully playing with her baby bottle – now started crying as well.

“So much drama…” Brahms told the girls in a tired voice.

“I swear they know we’re leaving and they’re freaking out.” I shook my head. “We should take them with us…”

“No.” Brahms said in a determined tone and turned to the baby in his arms. “No way. Mummy and Daddy need a little break. And you babies are staying with your brother and auntie… and granddad and grandma… You’re going to have sooo much fun together, aren’t you?”

Hayley stared at Brahms, sniffing her tiny, pink nose before bursting into tears again.

“Good job, father of the year.” I teased Brahms, tears running down my cheeks too. It was the first time we were going to leave the girls for a few days and even if I craved the short escape every single day, it made me ridiculously sad. I wanted to spend time with my husband more than anything but… _They’re so small yet, so clingy…_

Brahms sent me an almost scornful look as his overly emotional wife ran to the bed, burying herself into his arms and joined the whining choir.

He sighed and started rubbing my head, holding the screaming Hayley with his other hand. He would’ve possibly comforted the crying Amelia with a third arm too, if he had one. Our son entered the room in the middle the little scene we made.

“You see this, Daniel?” Brahms joked. “This is how girls really are. This is their true nature. You always need to keep them safe to protect their sensitive soul from the world. They simply cannot handle real life struggles.”

“What? What is this b.s.?” I repressed a whiny giggle against Brahms’ chest. The next moment I felt Daniel clinging to my back.

“Don’t worry, Mummy. I will take care of my sisters while you and Daddy are away. I’ll be good, I promise.”

“You’re always good, sweetheart.” I hugged him and couldn’t miss to notice the pride in Brahms’ eyes. He raised a gentleman.

The sound of a car parking down the street spiced up the twins’ crying. Daniel freed himself from my arms and ran to the main door, screaming “Auntie Mia” in the most excited voice.

“It’s your sister.” Brahms nodded towards me after taking a glimpse through the window. Just as usual. Mia arrived just in time to save the day.

*

“Finally, you’re here.” I greeted my sister with a big hug after Daniel had let go of his favorite auntie.

“You missed me, didn’t you?” She giggled and hugged Brahms and the twins as well. After all those years and all the cuddles, Brahms still seemed a little embarrassed every time Mia or my mom did kind physical gestures towards him. Flushing in the cutest way possible.

“You look great.” I said to Mia, playfully pulling her long, blonde ponytail. “That breakup did good for you.”

“I know, right?” She chuckled. We all knew what we meant. Her ex was giving her more pain and frustration than joy and love. “But hey, here I am finally, spending a week with the best family ever.”

“I’m so happy you’re here.” I agreed. “You’ve no idea how much we appreciate you spending your break to help us out.”

“Of course. And you two need this holiday after… how many years?” She frowned.

“Lost counting.” I laughed.

“What’s up, Brahms?” Mia turned to Brahms after getting rid of her shoes and pullover. “You’re so silent.”

“Oh…” He murmured. “It just made me sad… to hear about that man treat you so poorly.”

“That’s sweet of you, but I’m okay now. Stronger than ever.” Mia smiled.

Brahms let out a long sigh though, sending Haylee and Amelia – who were now quietly sitting in his arms - a look of fatherly love.

“No one will break your precious little hearts, I promise. I won’t let them.” He babbled to the girls and gave kisses on their chubby cheeks one by one.

“And how are you planning to do that?” I asked my sweet, naive husband.

“Easy.” He answered, staring at the girls with adoration in his eyes. “No dating until they turn thirty.”

_Thirty…?_

“Did I say something wrong?” He looked at me with an innocent expression. “Alright, twenty-five. No man can go near my babies until then, right? I’ll protect you from everything and everyone.”

As he continued talking to the twins, I caught my sister’s eyes and it was obvious. We had the same thoughts on the topic.

“Okay, give me those babies.” Mia laughed and took Amelia in her arms. “Don’t you worry cutie, Auntie Mia will teach you about life.”

“I’m sorry, Brahmsy.” I told Brahms. “Heikki women cannot be daddy’s girls.”

“Your poor father…” He rolled his eyes in response which made both Mia and me laugh.

“Speaking of our dad… When exactly are he and mom coming tomorrow?” Mia asked.

“Ten in the morning.” I answered.

“And we’re going to have my second birthday party with Grandma and Granddad!” Daniel added, his eyes glowing.

“Is that so?” Mia asked, joining him at the kitchen table where he was working on his drawing. A big birthday cake with eight colorful candles on top. “What about your first birthday party?”

“It’s today!” Dani screamed. “With you, Auntie Rose, Uncle Aaron and Aunt Elsa, and Mummy, Daddy, Hayley and Amelia.”

“Wow. That’s an impressive guest list.” Mia nodded.

“Okay, I need to leave in ten minutes to pick up Elsa from the nursing home. Will you come with me?” I asked my sister. Even if she followed my steps and moved to the UK to chase her dreams, we didn’t have the chance to meet very often because of our busy lives. I missed her so much.

“Sure.” She responded and gave Amelia back to Brahms. When we left, I still heard him mumble to the babies, something about ‘no boys in the next thirty years’.

*

“Good boy!” Brahms praised his son after he’d managed to blow out all the eight candles on his birthday cake.

“What did you wish for?” Asked Adam, Aaron and Rose’s oldest son. He was seven, only one year younger than Daniel – our friends clearly had gotten inspired back in the Heelshire manor, spending so much time helping us with baby Dani. And didn’t stop at one. The following years they got a second son and then a third. No wonder after the born of the twins last winter, Rose and I shared a bottle of wine, wondering what on earth we were gonna do with two girls now – since we had absolutely no clue about raising daughters.

“I can’t tell you what I wished for. It might not come true then.” Dani said to his friend with such great seriousness and started eating his chocolate cake.

 

“Take it easy, boys!” Aaron warned the energetic gang, after they’d almost bumped into Mia while playing and running around in the garden.

“So how’s med school going?” Rose asked Mia who joined us at the oversized terrace table.

“It’s going well. Not smoothly though.” She answered.

“It must be hard. I heard you also work at the Edinburgh Hospital.” Rose added.

“Yeah, currently I’m at the emergency department so… let’s just say I’m a bit overwhelmed.”

“We’re so proud of her.” I smiled, meanwhile wiping Hayley’s chocolate face after the boys thought it was a good idea to share a piece of cake with someone who only had three teeth.

“I’m proud of you too.” Mia responded. “You’re such a good mom. And a great wife, I suppose.”

“She’s the best wife I could ask for.” Brahms smiled at me and I flushed a little.

“And part time pub singer when the kids are in bed.” Rose added.

“It sounds pretty badass.” Aaron giggled over my titles. “Like having a double life.”

“Says who…” I teased the policeman the usual way. Aaron worked as a detective in Cardiff, but traveling throughout the country to assist the most twisted crime cases was also part of his job.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how do you guys handle being so far from each other so ofter?” Mia asked Aaron and Rose.

“It’s hard, we miss him every minute of our lives but, you know… I get very busy with the boys and running the nursery. Not to mention that I don’t often get too lonely with these two in the neighborhood either.” Rose explained and pointed at Brahms and me with her head.

“Yeah, staying busy is the only option.” Aaron agreed. “And facetime’s a bliss too.”

We all stayed quiet for a little.

“Look at you, you’re so adorable!” Mrs. Heelshire broke the silence, babbling to Amelia who had been sitting in the old lady’s lap, entertaining her by pulling cute faces and talking in baby language. Elsa cuddled the little girl close to her, kissed the top of her head, a few teardrops running down her cheeks. We brought her to our house every Wednesday for dinner and Brahms visited her with the girls another additional day as well, but a big family reunion still made the sweet, old lady a little emotional.

She pulled something out of her handbag which looked like a paper card, then showed it to Amelia.

“This was sent to me by your uncle. Uncle Maximilian.”

“A-a, that’s not food.” Said Brahms, taking away the card from his daughter who tried to eat it. “Is Max still in Australia?” He turned to his aunt, examining the card.

I kept my promise to Max. I never mentioned his name during our trials, we rather came up with a story that Elsa had the will for the entire time, so Max wouldn’t get involved. That was the last time we saw him. He disappeared the next day and nobody knew where he went. A few weeks later Mrs. Heelshire received a card from him, followed by another one every single month during the last eight years. Although, neither of us communicated with Max, Brahms included his name into the list of people who the nursing home was allowed to give information about Elsa’s condition. As we found out later, Max called the institution regularly to know if his mom was well. Mrs. Heelshire cherished every card his son sent her as the sign of him sharing a few lines about his life. As far as we knew from those messages, the blonde Heelshire never settled, but traveled the world, going for the farthest and most amazing places on Earth.

“He is still in Australia, indeed.” Elsa answered, smiling at the card in her hand. “He seems happy. His writing seems happy.”

 

I poured some cranberry juice into a glass, trying to catch Aaron’s eyes who was still chatting to the others at the table. After it’d finally happened, he joined me at the beverage counter. He took a quick glimpse at the cheerful guests as if we were about to do something blameworthy, turning to me then.

“So…?”

I imitated his previous gestures, checking Brahms and Rose at the table. They seemed busy talking to Mia so I moved closer to Aaron until our sides touched. I slid a piece of paper in his hand – a whole page folded into a tiny message and he hid it deep in his pocket.

“I’m ninety-nine percent sure that it was the ex-lover. It had to be her.” I whispered to the policeman in a determined voice.

“That’s what I thought but I doubt there’s enough evidence to convince the entire investigation team.” He answered.

“I watched the tape you sent me. I wrote down my analysis on that paper. Everything she said… also her body language tells me that she’s a sociopath.” I explained.

“Did you write down her potential motives too?”

“Of course I did.”

“Okay, thanks. Alison…” Aaron sighed in a guilty voice and I knew what he was about to say. “Let’s tell them.”

There were a few things in our life that never changed. Aaron and I were still an awesome team investigating murders and occasionally, I helped him connect the dots in some of the cases he worked on – of course – secretly, since I was banned from working for the police for life.

“Yeah, you’re right. We shouldn’t keep secrets from them. They need to know. I’m sure they’d understand.”

Aaron nodded but then, Brahms’ voice could be heard from behind us.

“What is going on?” He asked, the wrinkles deepened on his forehead.

Rose was standing by his side, having the same anxious facial expression.

“We have something to tell you.” I started after an exchange of look with Aaron.

“I kinda… involved Alison into something… something work related, she’s not supposed to do. But it’s completely safe and no one will ever find out.” He continued.

Now it was Brahms and Rose’s turn to share a meaningful look with each other. But what happened next was something neither Aaron, nor I expected. Rose burst into laughter and Brahms pulled his lips into a wide smile as well.

“Aw, sweetheart…” Brahms said in a gentle, forgiving tone and stroked the back of his hand down my left cheek. He then turned back to Rose. “They still believe we don’t know, don't they?"

“That they've been secretly working together on that murder case from London? Of course, they still believe we don't know. Aw... You two are so adorable and so naive.” Rose giggled at Aaron and me. “C’mon, Brahms. Let’s try those mini burgers while these two are investigating.”

Brahms sent a playful look to the both of us and followed Rose, leaving Aaron and me standing at the beverage table. Frozen, speechless.

“What the hell just happened?” I asked.

“They know. They always knew. I think, we’ve been caught.” Aaron frowned.

“How’s that possible?” I asked.

“They simply know us too well.” He smiled.

“Yeah…”

“I bet you miss the doll sometimes.” Aaron teased. “Easier times, weren’t they?”

“Nah.” I said. “The doll earned his noble places as the Heelshire manor’s main visitors’ attraction, don’t ya think?”

Aaron laughed and took a big sip from his beer.

“You’re damn right, my friend.”

*

Finally, the big day arrived. We traveled up to the mountains for a romantic long weekend to share some time with alone each other. As husband and wife. Only Brahms and I. We needed those peaceful days like breathing in fresh air.

We were sitting in the grass, staring at the beautiful landscape ahead of us – hills, mountains and the clear, blue sky – as we held each other. Mostly stayed in silence, sharing deep, meaningful looks and soft kisses just like we used to do every evening when we were living in the Heelshire manor. Keeping each other from the world as the craziest but most beautiful secret.

“I love you.” I whispered.

“I love you too.” Brahms responded. His green eyes never stopped sparkling during the last eight years and still twitched playfully when he looked at me.

“By the way, I found out the perfect title for my book.” I told him. For long years, people encouraged me endlessly to transform our story into a book and share the whole truth with the world. After all this time, I was finally ready. The book was finished.

“What’s the title?” Brahms asked, curiosity rose in his gaze.

I sent him a gentle smile as I answered.

“Finding You.”

Brahms touched my cheeks in a caressing motion and kissed me on the lips.

“What is it?” I asked after noticing the confusion on his face. Something was bothering him.

“It feels like a closure to our story. That’s all.” He responded. “What do we do with the happy ever after? What happens next?”

I chuckled at him.

“We have three children to raise. We have a life to carry on with.” I said.

Brahms smiled down at me with hope in his eyes. He knew I was right. He didn’t have to fight anymore, at least not for something he’d never had, he wasn’t lonely anymore. But he knew he had to cherish and look after what he got for the rest of his life.

I smiled at him again and snuggled up in his arms, finding peace in his closeness as always.

“We have each other to love and take care of.” Brahms whispered into my hair.

He was right.

We were exactly where we belonged.

THE END


End file.
